a polit ica l, l iterar y & general news-papervol clx v, issue 2, November 2014

est. 1843

University News

UCD commerce students’ ten FUNNIEST blackface Halloween costumes.

Current Affairs

page 3

University News

Viral Video: 10 hours of walking in sweatpants, football jersey and Asics around the arts block

page 5

Lifestyle

Arts block fountain fl ow to be cut to slightly more fl accid dribble in water-saving regulations page 7

EXCLUSIVE: Ents Man Murphy in Double Wine Bottle Booze Shame

Tries to take Photo of own Head in Drunken Stupor

Campus News

Vaguely Circumscribed Parts of College Buildings To Be Named After Alumni Benefactors Following Success of Kinsella Hall

Speaking at the launch of Kin-sella Hall, a newly defi ned building formerly encompassed by the Ussher library, last month, Provost Patrick Pren-dergast announced that it was just the fi rst instance of naming an indistinct section of a build-ing after generous alumni. Kin-sella Hall, formerly known as half of the Ussher library, is now apparently a distinct entity, be-ginning approximately where you walk across the little bridge walkways inside the Ussher and past the fi rst of the study tables and ending presumably at the windows facing onto the cricket pitch.

Prendergast declared that this represented a new opportunity to raise much needed funds for the college and an opportunity to honour philanthropic gradu-

ates. “We have been bound pre-viously by the limitations of architecture and conceptions of closed space. How many fundraising opportunities have been lost through the nam-ing of the Hamilton building, the Berkeley library or the Da-vis Theatre? After shaking free of the confi nes of traditional space, they are now divisible into a literally infi nite number of distinct nameable spaces. Right now we are in talks to rename the middle third of the Ed Burke theatre after Nessa Childers, and Chuck Feeney has acquired naming rights of all space within the Postgraduate Reading Room above a height of approximately 2.5 metres.”

Nor do the provost’s develop-ments undermine only spatial limitations. “The unreasonable

dimension of time has also un-necessarily limited fundraising opportunities. Following nego-tiations with Dermot Desmond, a large, vaguely defi ned tract of the Long Room Hub shall be named in his honour from the hours of 4-4.30pm on week-days.

Eric Kinsella, speaking at the opening, stated that this devel-opment represented a new op-portunity for graduates to feel they were giving back to the college which meant so much to them, “It’s heartwarming to know that when I take just a few short steps from the Ussher library I am probably but by no means defi nitely standing in a building named after me.”

Eric Kinsella and Provost Patrick Prendergast Standing Probably in Kinsella Hall

There has been a reported increase in students

removing themselves from the register of electors for the upcoming marriage equality referendum following a persistent social media-driven voter registration drive led by SU president Domhnall McGlacken Byrne, described by one student as “invasive and frankly a bit desperate”.

The counter-productive efforts started as a twibbon and public message campaign, urging students to “check the register” before the referendum in May, but measures have become more desperate in recent weeks, with McGlacken Byrne posting pleas in unrelated Facebook groups, individually calling to residences in Halls and, in one unverifi ed incident, calling to one student’s door in the pouring rain at 2.30am holding cards which explained that “Without you on the Register I don’t know what the

hell I’m going to do. I’m a mess and I love you”. The student in question told The Piranha that “Domhnall obviously thought it would be like that cute scene in ‘Love Actually’ but it was really just pathetic and now I want to vote No.”

His campaign of calling to individual residences in Halls provoked similar ire, with one fi rst year Science student commenting on Facebook that “That’s my personal residence. That is my personal space, Byrne. You don’t call to my house like that. I don’t know what your register is but I don’t want anything to do with it if this is what it’s about.” In another incident, one student woke up to 36 texts and 19 missed calls from McGlacken Byrne, wavering between anger and remorse, saying “I’ve checked the register. Where the hell are you? I need you so bad. So bad <sad emoji><angry emoji>”

"I'm a mess and

I love you."

Students De-registering from Register of Electors after SU President’s “Pushy” and “Creepy” Voter Registration Drive

A Photograph that Domhnall has been putting into student's lockers as part of the so-called "Campaign"

Campus News

Address all frivolous complaints to:

The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

Editor-in-Chief:Hugh Guidera

Design/Copy Editor:Jordan Boyd

Foreign Correspondent:Anna Sheehan

Writers:Aifric Ni ChriodainHannah BeresfordOswald Michael BartonEoin O'GormanPaul CorcoranAisling Crabbe

Anonymous Contributor:Cormac Shine

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and a member of family Characidae[1] in order Characiformes, an omnivorous[2] freshwater fi sh that inhabits South American rivers. In Venezuela, they are called caribes. They are known for their sharp teeth, powerful jaws, and voracious appetite for meat. Piranhas belong to the subfamily Serrasalmina, which includes closely related

omnivorous[3] fi sh such as pacus.[4] Traditionally, only the four genera Pristobrycon, Pygocentrus, Pygopristis, and Serrasalmus are considered to be true piranhas, due to their specialized teeth. Piranhas are normally about 14 to 26 cm long (5.5 to 10.25 in), although some specimens have been reported to be up to 43 cm (17.0 in) in length, and the opinions expressed therein are not refl ective of the Piranha as a creature, its constitutive writers and editor, nor of Trinity College. The Piranha is also a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Offi ce of the Press Ombudsman. Serious complaints about the content should be addressed to The Editor, Regent House, Trinity College Dublin. Frivolous complaints should be sent to the same address, where they may be used as material for the following issue. Complaints about the way things are just absolutely going down the drain these days with the kids smashing windows and smoking hash now around the corner from the house are to be sent in telephonic form to Joe Duffy, Liveline.

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

“Please delete me from this mailing list”

Warm response to Provost's E-zine

"Oh the Trinity News social justice brigade is probably lapping up this one”

Scholar being evacuated from bedbug-infested apartment in

House 69.

"Sorry love, but we’re not going to be able to make that Student Wildlife Photography magazine happen this year. To tell you the truth, the grant for that went straight up my fucking nose at the Pubs Halloween Party.”

Will Foley, Secretary,Trinity Publications Committee

SU Human, Domhnall McGlacken-Byrne

Notes from the ThroneIn many ways, this is the best time to be producing a free of cost, poorly-executed 2 plate satirical student paper con-fi ned to a single college; the old 2-month mark. First years have not yet established suffi cient social capital to feel comfort-able pointing out that an article or joke isn’t funny and will in-stead laugh along with a crowd who equally doesn’t under-stand it, yet they have reached a point where they have briefl y encountered tired college ste-reotypes upon which some jokes are premised. “Wonder-ful!” they shall cry, as they read the article about Domhnall Mc-Glacken Byrne, knowing now, as they did not in Freshers’ Week, that that is indeed a pho-tograph of Domhnall McGla-cken Byrne accompanying the article. “Hmmhmm” they shall chuckle as they read the lazi-

ly-written article on the Sport Centre Charge Referendum, knowing that it is a thing that happened and that the article therefore technically qualifi es as satire. “Oh man! Cutting! Did you see how they really nailed the Provost in this one? He sure is a fogey, that Provost. I know that because they used the same joke in the last issue.”

So enjoy the issue. We stopped writing on the googledoc for this about a week and a half be-fore printing because we forgot about it, but in many ways it’s that timeless quality that makes our brand of comedy so magi-cal. Timely satirising of current affairs will last but a daytime, but a joke about Finn Murphy being a lad? Dear reader, that shall last at least 4 issues.

Hugh Guidera - Editor

On This Day in Trinity2014

Inexplicable hickies on particularly rank scholar’s neck attributed to bedbugs.

1982Trinity Publications deny application from ‘Trinity Now!’, a vanity project monthly profi le of SF engineering student Patrick

Prendergast.

2015Surf, Sail, Salmon and Suspicious Parents pitched

to BBC4

2016Zeta Psi Fraternity accepts slightly scrawnier male members under new

inclusion policy

2058DU History runs out of fun themes, runs EU Fiscal Stability Treaty themed

club-night.

2017UCCSU approves ‘Wipe the Slate’ motion to clear all records of it being a shit

college.

"There is nothing in the statutes

stipulating that the scholars’

on-campus accommodation

is to be free of cimex lectularius."

- Patrick Prendergast, Provost

"One of my many quirky campaign promises was to limit the amount of killer viral diseases students have to deal with in their everyday lives in Trinity. Like Ebola, its just not banter, is it? Did I say that right- banter?”

There has been a bit of a furore in recent weeks over the merit of the Foundation Scholarship, and while anyone who knows me from the Dining Hall tables will attest to the fact that I revel in the hurly-burly of public debate (D’Israeli’s action in the Suez was rash but invaluable!) and I value deeply the opinion of the working man (Vox populi vox Dei), I’m afraid the liberal agenda has pushed the envelope a bit far on this one.

Now while I haven’t exactly read Dee Courtney’s article in Trinity News, I believe I can still provide a brief recap...presently. Essentially, what Dee Courtney desires is that everyone sits the scholarship exams and the people who attain fi rst class honours through hard work are set upon, beaten and vilifi ed as out of touch. Surely a bit more ‘pox voculi’ than ‘vox populi’! (I am chortling good-naturedly).

Then people who attain second class honours second degree are applauded and given brand new French cars. I apologise if I dismiss this as ludicrous but frankly what’s next? Men marrying dogs? Oh I’m sorry, I was thinking of something else.

Am I one of the people dismissed as “elitist”? Probably. Am I a wealthy man? Indubitably! Did I attend one of what she terms “private schools”? Well suffi ce to say, “Floriat Etona”. Yet I simply do not see how such criticisms can stand coming from a person who is presumably merely bitter and probably comes from Kimmage or somewhere. If a rich man orders a cake, should the chef shit in the cake just because he’s rich? No doubt Dee Courtney thinks so, but excuse me for rewarding hard work. It’s interesting that a supposed liberal takes umbrage with an

institution which supported Samuel Beckett. The man spoke French and wrote plays for God’s sake; Boyd Barrett probably thinks even that’s a bit far left.

I value hard work. And frankly, if that’s not politically correct enough for Dee Courtney then I’m proud not to tow the PC

line. If political correctness results in slightly adjusting an anachronistic institution with some small means-testing procedures while still recognising academic achievement, then I think we can all agree that political correctness has once again gone too far.

Campus News

Op-Ed: Those Who Call Schols Elitist Are Jealous Losers Who Speak No Latin and Probably Live in CabraA Joint Declaration from Michael Barton, Sch. (Old CBC Monkstownian), Cormac Shine, Sch. (Old Gonzagan), and Paul Corcoran, Sch. (Old Gonzagan).

"Am I a wealthy

man? Indubitably"

Fresher’s Cover Photo With Notable Trinity Landmark Achieves Brief, Moderately Positive Recognition

A photo uploaded to Facebook on September 26th by Ameri-can Trinity student Matthew Duding managed to rake in 7 ‘likes’ and 2 comments within 48 hours. The photograph, of a smiling Matthew in Front Square with the Campanile just over his left shoulder, ad-equately conveyed the fact that Matthew was now a student in Trinity College, exactly his intention upon uploading the photograph of his in Trinity College. It represents the latest stage of a self-described 'social media campaign', which Duding admits has alleviated the pain of rejection from Harvard.

The photograph was described in the fi rst comment, left by an old acquaintance called Lucas who he met on a French ex-change 3 years previously, as “Beautiful!! -Luc :)” His Aun-tie Mae continued to pile on the praise, writing, “My clever

nephew! Looks wonderful. Os-car Wild watch out lol!!!” (sic), before humorously adding that she hoped her nephew “has a great time over there in uni, but not too much fun!!! lol, your auntie mae x” This comment is believed to open the door for future comments from more distant relatives, perhaps on photos from nights out, where, while still good-natured, the humour will be fi rmly tongue in cheek, such as commenting on a photo of Matthew on a night out with pints in front of her, saying “Uh oh, they don’t look like books!!! lol just kidding L, have fun in Ireland. ~Mae x”. His school-friend Victor, in a move widely believed to be ironic, liked Mae’s comment.

Matthew expressed slight dis-pleasure, when interviewed, at the fact that becoming friends with 19 people in his course in his fi rst fortnight of studies

didn’t give the photo a “second wind” as they “can’t have not seen the photo” but agreed it was ultimately understandable as “they all also go to Trinity”. Certainly, an extra handful of likes from family friends would have been a nice addition, as would a comment from his old drama coach Rick to the effect of “Whew, lucky you. Have a pint of Guinness for me M!”, but Matthew was ultimately happy with how the whole thing played out, and is already planning a “big profi ler” from the Cliffs of Moher over the Christmas break which he says will be really “lapped up by his Irish relatives and European class-mates.”

Campus News

By now the salacious details of Finn Murphy’s trip to Paris are well known to the student body, and most students are simply asking, “What does this all mean for me?”. This is a time of great uncertainty and fl ux in the Ents offi ce but we at The Pi-ranha have got your back, much like Finn Murphy during the weeks he is not on holidays. As Finn himself says, “Keep Calm and Party On” because things are going to be just alright!

Of course, there really isn’t a need to ‘fl og the [proverbial] dead horse’ as most students are familiar already with the outrageous Parisian antics of the Ents Offi cer and his friends on the so-called ‘unwinding weekend’. In short, as seen in the outrageous leaked photo

below, ‘unwinding’ was the last thing the rowdy crew had on their minds, unless it was un-winding the local corkscrews and slugging back the contents straight.

The photo attached captures Murphy in a most compromis-ing situation, placing his phone on his head, presumably as he is too drunk to put it in his pocket, leading the way in a crude drinking game with his ‘drinking buds’ watching on in a haze of drink-fuelled drink glee. “Drink some more alcohol, Finno”, they’re no doubt shout-ing drunkenly at the so-called responsible leader of Trin-ity College events, “Yes, good riddance to the responsible student electorate. Let’s keep playing this ridiculous alco-

game. Yes, let us all put our cell phones on our heads like our leader and drink ourselves into a stupor”.

Well excuse this particular jour-nalist for saying NO-THANK-YOU, Mr Murphy. Not content with merely playing the ridic-ulous game, he seems also to have indulged in a bit of graffi ti on the walls of some unsuspect-ing Cafe. This isn’t one of your ‘Warehouse grunge-athons’, “Finnster”, and people aren’t free to just write on walls as they please willy-nilly. If it was indeed our Ents Man who wrote ‘Boobs’ on the wall to the right then I think I can be the fi rst to say that he is impressing no one with that sort of carry on.

What could have fuelled such a

vandal-orgy? Well look no fur-ther than the devil’s nectar on the table. Two towering bottles of the local vino for Finn and his two chums, no doubt slugged back “sans-food” and paid for in Euro, the very same currency which WE use to pay OUR fees.. And this isn’t day-time, folks. The dark lighting in there sug-gests the ‘wee hours’, 10.30pm onwards.

No doubt Finn would call me a prude for fi nding his wine-fu-elled, all night drinking-game fest something unbecoming of an Ents Offi cer, and indeed the SU has yet to release an of-fi cial statement regarding the photo. What’s next? Samuel Riggs photographed big-game hunting in the Savannah? The drunken chortles of the SU

chum-pack would be little help then indeed.

Listen up Murphy, here's the deal: renege on your promises, cheat in exams, leverage your elected position to build social capital in Labour Youth - but for the love of god don't make me complicit in this these outra-geous booze stunts. All I’m say-ing is, if the future of student politics means the boot of Finn Murphy stamping on the idea of representative democracy, try-ing to drink his mobile phone through his forehead presum-ably, while on a Parisian binge for the rest of time, then you can count this humble corre-spondent out.

The Last Days of Sodom and GomorrahFinn Murphy's Parisian Getaway and what it means for you

Fresher pre-maturely refers to Doyle’s as his “regular”Doyle’s “Late Bar”, just a stone’s throw from Trinity College, has long been an infamous haunt of said college’s students, and this year’s newly-settled freshers are wasting no time in feigning assimilation into this question-ably grand, potentially old tra-dition. Having now made a rel-atively insignifi cant dent into their time in college, fresh faces have already been heard confi -dently ascribing various virtues to the pub.

These ‘Doyle-aholics’, as they have humorously titled them-selves, have been fearless in their denunciation of generic club nights, instead opting for a venue they consider more ‘real’. Indeed, its proponents have placed what many consider an indecent focus on the supposed ‘quirks’ and ‘charms’ of the pub, frequently defending its fl aws by merely phrasing them as endearing idiosyncrasies with no further justifi cation. “It’s the little things,” explains JF English and Film student Co-lin Ruthner. “The poor light-ing does a great job of masking the revolting decor. Having said that, I can’t deny the peeling paint-job and damaged wooden fi ttings really add character. Come to think of it, the place is

fucking dripping in character. That’s home.”

Some freshers have forged bi-zarrely superfi cial bonds with resident DJ Mick ‘Buzz’ Fitzger-ald, frequently referring to certain songs as ‘classic Buzz’. “Ohhh they always play this one here,” mused Ruttner on hearing that chillstep remix of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere’, which he had heard on his only previous visit here on the VTP pub-crawl in Freshers’ Week. “When Buzz drops it, it just hits you, you know? Like a drug, but better, though preferably in conjunction with a drug. My man on the door can sort you out, just saying.” This over-fa-miliarity often extends to bar staff - following three visits in a fortnight Ruthner was heard attempting to order ‘the usual’, with mixed success.

When pressed for comment, management of Doyle’s had no recollection of Ruthner - al-though one bouncer referred to him as a ‘jumped-up fuck-wanker’, he later retracting this, having mistaken Ruthner for someone who had succeeded in making an impression.

Butt Benler, Campus Champ and Senior Sophister TSM Busi-ness and Businessmanship, last week told our reporter that Stu-dents’ Night at the most recent Dublin Web Summit was the “best yet” and that the contacts he secured were “practically certain” to secure him invest-ment in the near to middle future. Benler’s idea, Syner-app, is an app which identifi es struggling app developers in developing countries and auto-generates small-scale, micro-fi nanced networking events in village squares, as well as pro-viding low-interest loans to subsistence farmers in Malawi who want to be angel investors.

Benler claims that his white t-shirt with ‘Entrepreneur’ writ-ten in block letters on the front and ‘Potential Investor….You?!’ written on the back “raised a few eyebrows” at the Web Sum-mit and probably caused a stir with the Silicon Valley Brigade present there, who “tend to appreciate a bit of a shake-up, some new thinking, an entre-preneurial spirit if you will. Did I secure any quote unquote confi rmed investments? Well, suffi ce to say I got chatting to

an Apple recruitment rep in Zaytoon’s after the night out on Thursday who said my idea

was, and I quote ‘Sounds cool bud. Seeya later.’ Later, indeed! Invaluable connections.”

Entrepreneurial Student Comes “Clos-er than Ever to Securing an Investor” at Recent Web Summit.

“Waves crash into shore eventually”, mused Paschal Horkney in an interview last week. “I don’t know how something that was all so right went so...well..so nothing frankly.” Paschal is a JF Science student and he’s confused. He had a great friendship in Freshers’ Week; light chatting, a facebook chatlog with messages numbering in the dozens after three days, and two private jokes, one of which involved props but which he can’t explain to us in the interview as “it was, like the best private jokes between friends, highly context dependant.” Paschal’s story isn’t unique, but it might

fi ll four paragraphs, and we tell it here.

“His name was Clemens. He was from Munich but his English was outstanding. We bumped into each other at the scuba-diving society stand. Bit expensive we both agreed, but something we’d love to try. He laughed at my joke that we should “dive in”. Lame, I know, but his laugh was warm and comforting. The next two days were a blur of at least four interactions; we got lunch in the Buttery, chatted at a Phil reception in a light-hearted manner about minor social differences between German and Irish culture, and

told each other two anecdotes each at a Food and Drink event. It was just like the movies. Huh, I guess I was pretty naive.”

Two weeks passed without any interaction between the two immediately after Freshers’ Week before Paschal fi nally received a Facebook mail from Clemens. “I can’t describe how it felt. It was like a hug from an old friend”. What was to follow, however, was more like a shove from an old enemy, as the saying goes. “It was a copy/paste. Fucking clearly just pasted right in there. ‘Hey Paschal, can you vote for my friend in this competition to

win a record label?’ This wasn’t the Clemens who had warmly texted me “HB :) -C” on my birthday during Freshers’ Week. Frankly I didn’t know who this guy was anymore.

“Sure I’m expecting an SU election campaign message, maybe a group invite to one of his society events next year, but I’ve already been stung. I’m not one prone to hyperbole, but to think you could invest over twelve hours of light-hearted banter and small-talk in someone just to have it thrown back in your face like this has left me feeling physically sick. I’ve learnt my lesson.”

"I guess I was pretty

naive."

Intense Friendship from Freshers Week On The Rocks After Considerably Less Contact In Every Week Thereafter

Campus News

When we got that email the week before Halloween, we all had a chuckle, you know? The ‘Ghoul of Nursing and Midwifery’? It’s a slightly clumsy but ultimately likeable play on the actual name of that department, which is obviously the School of Nursing and Midwifery…and it was for charity, too, so we thought it would be a laugh. But every time I’ve managed to get a couple of minutes’ sleep since that night I’ve woken up screaming and drenched in my own sweat. To be honest, I don’t think I’m the same person I was before that night...it’s like I’m hollow or something.

Anyway, the morning of the event, we decided to have a wander over between classes to see what kind of decorations they had and maybe enter the charity raffl e in aid of the National Children’s Hospital. All for a good cause, you know? But when I say that I didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘horror’ before setting foot into that building, I’m by no means exaggerating. Even just approaching the D’Olier Street entrance, it was like you could feel some kind of malicious presence just waiting for you, like it wanted to consume you. You might think that those tiny plastic pumpkins with an electric light in them that’s

meant to look like a candle but doesn’t really like one are cute. At worst, you might think they’re kind of kitschy. But after what I saw that afternoon, for me, they’re nothing other than a symbol of boundless and unnatural horror. And that kid who had cut eyeholes in a sheet and drawn a frightening mouth on it and was drifting around the building selling raffl e tickets and handing out helpful brochures about what we as individuals can do to support paediatric care services in our areas? Jesus Christ, that little guy was fucking chilling.

Diary: ‘Ghoul of Nursing and Mid-wifery’ Halloween Charity Event Actually Fucking Terrifying

Rise in Passive Online Animosity Between Erasmus Students Vying to Make Their Mistake Look Like Better Craic.What temperature is it in the European city you were given because you didn’t get good enough grades to go to Aus-tralia? 10 Degrees? HAH! We have, like, -8!! I’M IN SCANDI-NAVIA!! I am having SO MUCH FUN! The coat I bought in TK Maxx at home is far too light to keep out these Baltic tempera-tures, and I can’t afford to buy a new coat here because I spent so much money on fl ights to other European cities because fl ying is just so much easier when you’re in the Schengen zone....But it doesn’t matter at all because I am having too much fun to notice that my toes have all turned black. It is literally snowing here and it is October and that isn’t incon-venient at all and I don’t mind waking up as the sun sets at noon; it’s all part of the experi-ence! Eternal darkness!! yay!!!Oh yeh?!! Well, look at me!!! My new best friends and I, (who are all from Latin America by the way, I’ve gotten so di-verse!!!) have travelled to this completely unheard of island off the coast of Finland which looks EXACTLY like The Shire!! You know, the Shire?! From Lord of the Rings?? Yeah that! I swear it does!! It was so magi-cal!!! I only put it through three different photo fi ltering apps because I’ve gotten mad into

photography here too . . . not because it actually just looked the exact same as your aver-age fi eld in Co.Mayo…. It’s all so cultural! LIKE MY PHOTO I CAN’T HAVE PEOPLE THINK-ING I REGRET NOT STAYING AT HOME.

Hahaha yeah, C’est cool. . . What have you guys been eating ev-ery day on Erasmus? I eat crois-sants and macaroons and drink chocolat chaud. It’s not that big of a deal really. Hey, why didn’t you reply to my snapchat? The one I sent to all my contacts and put as my story twice? The one of me beside the Eiffel Tower on a completely average Tues-day afternoon captioned ‘What do you during your breaks from college?’ haha I spend mine beside the national landmark of a country I barely speak the language of. It doesn’t matter that I spent the rest of the day crying on skype to my parents and attending 8AM lectures . . .it’s so worth the loneliness and lack of friends because I’m really fi nding ME you know? I know it’ll give me the edge when looking for a job back in an Irish law fi rm…. I swear it will! Je suis certainé!!!

Oh, still in Europe are you? That’s cute…. I’m running my own Club Night in the United

States. And I met Hilary Clin-ton and loads of other Ameri-can politicians who I swear I knew about before I went to the talk in desperate search of friends, knowing they’d have to talk to me in the three hour queue to get into the event. I’ve even started a new blog where I detail all the interest-ing media I’ve consumed on my year abroad! I’ve been watch-ing loads of amazing movies here, not because I’m bored or anything, just because they’re so much easier to access on an American VPN! It’s on Tumblr . . . you should go follow that too. Hey, you should also like the photo I put up of the White House!! I was there!!. . . No? It’s not a stock photo I fl eeced off google images… Yeah I know everybody else here with me has scaffolding on their pho-tos of it, I just went a day be-fore them. . Listen, I gotta go, my fl at mates are having an-other beer pong party and I can’t miss this one they all love me so much and refer to me as their Captain! Such good craic! I don’t miss my old nickname my actual friends gave me at home at all.

Here, don’t forget to skype me again tomorrow though?

Since taking the role in 2011 Provost Patrick Prendergast has faced multiple accusations of not being in touch with the student body, so, after three years of refusing to meet with representative student bodies and failures to consult with students on major College decisions as was explicitly promised in his manifesto, those critics were truly left with egg on their faces last month when he held a short question and answer session.

Students responded exceptionally positively to the shortening of the laborious and outdated term ‘Question and Answer Session’ to ‘Q & A’. The general consensus was that the use of letters as opposed to whole words was way cooler and that, by extension, the Provost was also a pretty hip guy.

“In this modern world of Twitter

and techno music I don’t have time to waste on whole words”, Senior Freshman Law and Political Science student Matthew Nuding told our reporter. Responses were mixed on the use of the ampersand ‘&’, with many students concerned that an ‘n’ with apostrophes on either side with have been more fi tting thematically with the usage of individual letters, with some disgruntled students going as far as to claim that this inconsistency was a sign that the provost was once again fl ip-fl opping on the major issues like abbreviations, foreign policy, and gay marriage. Prendergast denied that these views were representative of the general student body and then wrote a humorous graffi to in an Arts Block bathroom cubicle and turned on an Arcade Fire vinyl to win over any last detractors.

"the Provost

was also a pretty hip

guy."

Provost’s Q&A Praised As a Highly Innovative Acronym

Campus News

Sense prevailed in October as student voters expressed a preference for the solid, middle-ground, sub-optimal solution to the sports centre charge referendum. When asked what price the Students’ Union should campaign for, students agreed that it should campaign on their behalf for the charge to be raised by €30 to €120. Some argue that this was completely self-defeating and bore no logical grounding given that this was not a vote on what the sport centre should charge and provide but rather providing a mandate to the representative student body to campaign for an expressly sub-optimal outcome as their ideal, but in this newspaper’s opinion it was refreshing to see students occupy the sensible middle-ground.

Despite suggestions that obviously the SU should campaign for no signifi cant price-rise along with maintained services, given that that is the ideal outcome which now no students expressly support, it was good to see the student body being sensible and

opting to actively campaign for a price-rise in their own student services.

Asked for comment, one voter explained her position, “I haven’t researched the issue much, but common sense leads me to believe that the answer lies neither on the extreme left nor the far right as that’s something that people tend to assert in casual political discourse, so rather than actively campaigning to be charged €70 more, or campaigning to be charged the same amount, I think the safest choice is to campaign to be charged €30 more. I mean, presumably it’d be radical and overly idealistic for the Students’ Union to not occasionally actively pursue policies which work to our own disadvantage. Next up, a campaign to cut library access slightly for no clearly explicable reason!”

Victory for the Moderates as Option B Prevails in Sports Centre Charge Referendum