Handling Disagreements

Avoiding Poison Patterns

Adapted from Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage, Revised (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).

Our Mate Has an Emotional “Bank Account”1. Affection and care

act as deposits• Regular deposits

keep the marriage strong and resilient

2. Tensions and hurts act as withdrawals

• 1 negative interaction makes a withdrawal worth 5-10 deposits

All Couples Have About the Same Degree of Conflict

Key difference among couples is how conflict is managed•About 80% of differences cannot be resolved•Happy couples don’t let disagreements poison their friendship; distressed couples do

What Is Your Parents’ Conflict Style?

1. Volatile• You value frankness and

passionately fight and make up

2. Validating• You value closeness and

seek to understand each other

3. Avoidant • You tolerate differences and

don’t argue much

• Each style has strengths and weaknesses• Key is for you

both to find a shared style

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid I

These habits quickly drain warmth and safety

1. Criticism: Blame Game

2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid II

These habits quickly drain warmth and safety

1. Criticism: Blame Game

2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing

3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs

5 Poison Patterns to Avoid III

These habits quickly drain warmth and safety

1. Criticism: Blame Game

2. Escalation: Ugly Out-doing

3. Contempt: Painful Put-downs

4. Negative Interpretation: Looking for Dirt

5. Withdrawal: Hide & Seek

What Issues Cause Conflict for Couples?

Issues that Cause Conflict

• Money• Children• Sex• In-laws• Independence• Substance abuse

• Communication• Careers• Housework• Recreation• Religion

Issues Alone Don’t Usually Cause Fights

Most issues come out during stressful incidents• Often the only times couples discuss issues• We often avoid talking about emotionally loaded

topics

Issues Come Out During Incidents

Unresolved issues build up pressure •Erupt when triggered by incidents•Worst times to deal with issues

Issues

Incidents

Need to gain control over issues or they will control you

Tool: Time Out

1. Discuss examples of “Time Out” or “Pause” words or gestures you have seen in other couples

2. Discuss what word or gesture your couple might use

• Use before a conflict gets destructive• Break for 20 minutes or postpone discussion to

a later agreed-upon time

Agree to Discuss Issues Apart from Incidents1. During a triggering

incident, agree to talk at a later time

• Create the time and safety to understand each other

• Meet later• Write each other first• Go for a walk

2. Protects friendship time

• Dispels fear of explosive incidents

• Calms concerns about never talking about issues

Couples Can Learn to Handle Conflict Well • Reverse these poison patterns and repair their

damage • Make their relationship safe and protect their

friendship• Use disagreements to build closeness

Tool: Discussion Strategies

1. Think about what might be the best way you could communicate with your partner about an issue that bothers you.

• Consider good examples you have seen

2. Share this with each other.

3. Look for a strategy you could agree on.