Charlie piranha
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Transcript of Charlie piranha
“Stupid Muslim student population, using all
their social capital to curb MY freedom of
speech”, mumbles Piranha editor Wilt Crinsby
as he crudely etches his 12th caricature that day
of Mohammad, striving to deride the Muslim
doctrine of aniconism without any comedic merit
in a way he has never done to any Western
values, but it’s ok because it’s freedom of speech.
“Haha, this’ll show them. Especially the picture
of the willy. Fuckin’ trying to curb my free
expression”, he laughs, ignoring the irony that
he leads one of many all-white satirical
newspaper or website editorial boards in Ireland
alone, as well as in many West European
countries, and the groups for whom he holds an
inexplicable contempt have incomparably little
public recourse or ability to exercise same
expression, but free speech though.
“You see the thing is”, he begins, with stupid
stubble, a smug grin, and an opinion about the
limits of satire derived solely from two or three
AskReddit comment threads, “the thing is, it’s
not for entitled groups to come here and tell me
that I can’t have a laugh at the things they do. I
mean if someone from a minority religion [who
frequently had their places of worship burned to
the ground and were attacked in the streets for
wearing religious headwear] told a joke about
white people I wouldn’t be fucking offended, you
know? I’d take the joke, like. But all of a sudden,
when multiple satirical writing staffs from the
predominant racial and religious group which
socially and legally persecutes them tell a few
dozen jokes undermining the core tenets of their
religion then they all kick up a fuss. It’s like
they’re fucking having their cake and eating it
too. I mean, the contemptible actions of a small
amount of rogue extremists did technically
emanate from a quarter of the world’s
population of which I am not a member, so
surely, it’s THAT one and a half billion people
who can take a bit of flac for this.
“And, I mean, even if it is unfair or whatever”, he
continues, appreciating the symbolic significance of
the pen he’s spinning between his fingers and
imagining himself as some sort of warrior at the
forefront of a fight against oppression, “like, even if
it is unfair, it’s equal opportunities slagging you
know? I mean, our all-white staff also takes the piss
out of Christians and white people, which is
obviously qualitatively the same. I also flipped the
shit out at my 93 year old Catholic Grandmother
for saying ‘God Bless us’ at Christmas dinner there
last month and called her a fucking moron so you
can’t call me Islamophobic or a bad guy. Like, if
they want to set up commercially self-sustaining
all-Muslim media outlets in Western countries to
satirise ME then be my guest, you know”, he
continues, despite the fact that deep down he would
actually hate if that happened.
“That’s satire, you know? If we don’t go out of our
way to undermine actively vilified groups then who
will? Society? Well, ok society will, but there’s no
harm in adding a little extra. Je suis Charlie, like.
It’s just important that we show underprivileged
groups that we’re not afraid of them and that we
shall persevere. Three cheers for white people! To
be honest, if we don’t repeatedly share cartoon
images of the Prophet Mohammad and make social
media an inaccessible place for most Muslims, then
the terrorist have won, in my opinion. It’s basically
exactly what they wanted, like minorly
inconveniencing us with slightly increased airport
security checks in the aftermath of 9/11. They won
that battle, but the Musli…, I mean the terrorists
won’t win this one! Let’s show two fingers to the
bullies and target some Muslims!”
The interview is cut short at this point as Wilt
turns away to read the latest New Yorker article on
how Islam is the single greatest threat to the west.
“Hear fucking hear”, he whispers, nodding
furiously, his hand trembling on the mouse as he
bookmarks the article to read again later. He takes
out his Moleskine and adds a few bullet point notes
to his idea for the great American novel which is
about a dystopian future where affirmative action
has gone too far and young white men are put in
prison for not being politically correct enough.
“Ohhh yeah, this is it, man. This is fucking it.”
‘Haha Nothing is off Limits from Our Satirical
Genius’, Thinks All-White Piranha Writing Staff
As They Excessively Target Minority Religions
#JeSuisMore
FreeThanYou