THE SECRETS OF SATIR - therapynetwork.eu · gained from Virginia Satir, who was a world famous...

THESECRETSOFSATIR

CollectedSayingsofVirginiaSatir

SHARONLOESCHEN,M.S.W.,L.C.S.W.

Copyright©1991SharonLoeschenIllustratedbySusanGreenLoNigro

e-Book2017InternationalPsychotherapyInstitute

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CreatedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

TOTHEMEMORYOFVIRGINIASATIR

www.freepsychotherapybooks.org 4

TableofContents

Introduction

Acknowledgments

I—Families

II—Self-Worth

III—Communication

IV—Feelings

V—Change

AbouttheAuthor


Introduction

IdecidedtowritethisbookasawayofsharingthewisdomI

gainedfromVirginiaSatir,whowasaworldfamousfamilytherapist

andsocialworker.ManyrefertoVirginiaasthe“ColumbusofFamily

Therapy” because she discovered the effectiveness of conducting

psychotherapy with entire families, as opposed to the traditional

methodofworkingwithoneindividualatatime.

In1979, IwatchedVirginiaworkwithfamiliesataworkshop

in Springfield, Illinois. I was very impressed with her knowledge,

skills,andmostofall,herlovingwayofbeingwithpeople.Theninthe

springof1986, IwatchedherworkwithcouplesataworkshopinLos

Angeles.AgainIwasimpressedandIdecidedIwantedtostudywith

her.

Thatsummer Iwent toVirginia’smonth-long training,which

she called a “process community,” held high up in the Rockies of

Colorado.Mostoftheninetyparticipantswerecounselors,butthere

were also teachers, physicians, homemakers, musicians, and

ministers.Thetrainingwasthemostgrowthproducingmonthofmy

life—so much so that I decided that I wanted to go back the next

summer for further training. I am very grateful for that decision,

becauseVirginiadiedthefollowingJune.


ThebookisacollectionofVirginia’ssayings—orasIpreferto

call them, her “secrets.” Virginia discovered many of the universal

principlesofhowandwhypeoplebehave theway theydo,andshe

shared these during her trainings. The opportunity to gain her

“secrets”firsthandwaslostwithherdeath,soIdecidedtosharethe

onesIhavecollectedthroughthisbook.

Ichosetheword“secrets”forthetitlenotonlybecauseofher

discoveriesabouthowwehumansoperate,butalsobecauseVirginia

wasfamousforhelpingfamiliestogettheirown“secrets”outinthe

open and deal with them. Virginia believed that freedom of

expression is the key to an emotionally healthy family, and that

“secrets”createbarrierstoexpression.

I have organized her sayings under five major headings:

families,self-worth,communication,feelingsandchange.

Thebookcanbereadinanyfashionthatsuitsyourfancy.You

mayreaditsequentially,jumparound,orreadapageatatime.

Ihopeyoufinditofvalue.

SharonLoeschen

LongBeach,CaliforniaAugust1991


Acknowledgments

Iwanttoacknowledgethesepeoplefortheirtremendoushelp

inbringingthisbookintoexistence,

· Bob Loeschen, my wonderful husband, who fullysupportedme in taking the time, money andenergy to study with Virginia; also for hispatient and constructive editing of my manyrewrites;

·HarrisandMildredParsons,myparents,whogavemea loving, nurturing environment in which togrowandblossom;

·BeckyThorn,whohasbeenamarveloussupportandcriticofmywriting;

· Ruth Williamson-Kirkland, who sent me manymessages of encouragement to help me getthroughthemonthlongtrainingswithVirginiainColorado;

·SirriHanson,whonurturedandguidedmygrowthtothepointthatIhadthecouragetotaketherisktostudywithVirginia;

· Joan Brown, who suggested that I create a separateworkofVirginia’ssayings;


· Jackie Schwartz and JudyWeinstein,whohelpedmegetmycreativejuicesflowing;

·DeeAbrahamse,whopatientlylistenedandsupportedmethroughthemanyhurdles;

·DianneRamsteadwhogavemeherfeedback;

· Sharon Olson, who enthusiastically helped with theformatandediting;and

· Susan Green LoNigro, who did the magnificentdrawings for this book—so beautifullycapturingthefeelingsofVirginia’ssayings.


I—Families


“Familiesaresystems,andalllivingsystemsgotowardbalance”

Virginia first discovered that our families work as systems

when she was working as social worker in a mental hospital in

Chicago.Shewastreatingayoungwomanandshenoticedthatjustas

the young woman starting getting better, her mother got deeply

depressedandherfatherhadaheartattack.Shealsonotedthatwhen

theseeventsoccurredinthefamily,theyoungwomangotsickagain.

Virginiaconcludedthatthesechangeswerenotcoincidentalandthat

sheneededtotreatthefamilyasasystem—asawhole.

When we change our behavior, we may experience strong

pulls fromour family togoback toouroldwaysofbeing.Wehave

upsetthebalanceofthesystemandthesystemwilltrytorightitself

bypressuringustoreturntoourformerbehavior.

Whenweunderstandthenatureofsystems,wecanresistthe

pressuretoreturntoourpreviouswaysofbeing.Wecanbecomethe

personwewanttobe.


“Therearetwokindsofsystems:openandclosed.”

Virginiadeterminedthatallsystems,includingfamilies,canbe

openorclosedbasedontheirabilitytorespondtochange.

Whenwehaveaclosedfamilysystemwetendtobe

·inflexibleabouttherules,

·unclearaboutwhattherulesare,and

·secretive.

Whenwehaveanopenfamilysystemwetendtobe

· flexible, changing the rules as the children’s needschange,

·clearaboutwhattherulesare,and

·upfrontwithwhatishappeninginourfamily.


“Childrenarelikeseedlings—theygrowbestwhentheyareinanurturingenvironment.”

Virginia believed that often we create unnurturing

environmentsforourchildrenbyassuming:

· that in marital and parental relationships, someonemustdominateandsomeonemustsubmit,

·thattobedifferentfromothersinthefamilyisbad,

·thatwhenthereisaproblem,onepersonhastobeatfault,and

·thatit’sbesttoavoidchangeandpreservethestatusquo.

Shealsobelievedweareverycapableofchange,andthatwe

canchangeourfamiliestonurturingenvironmentsby:

· seeing the members of our families as equal inpersonhood,regardlessofageorgender,

· celebrating our personality differences, ouruniqueness,

·understandingthatourproblemsaremulticausalandnotneedingtofindfault,and

·acceptingandcelebratingchangeasthewayofnature.


“Thekeytoahealthyfamilyisahappymarriage”

When childrenwere referred toVirginia for help, shewould

begin her assessment by looking at the health of the parents’

marriage.Virginiabelievedthatchildrenaregreatlyaffectedbywhat

ishappeninginthemarriage.

Whenourchildrenseeusinpainandunabletoresolveit,they

toowillbeinpain.Theymayexpresstheirpaininavarietyofways

suchas:

·wettingthebed,

·beingaggressivewithotherchildren,

·beinghyperactive,

·performingpoorlyinschool,

·under-orover-eating,

·havingnightmares,

·havingdifficultysleepingintheirownbeds,or

·turningtodrugsoralcoholintheirteens.

When our children see us treating each other with respect,

communicating openly and being able to work out our differences,

theyfeelmoresecure.


“Wheneachpersoninacouplehasacenter,bothwillfeelofvalue,andtherelationshipwillbeenhanced”

ForVirginia,tohaveacentermeanttohaveasenseofidentity

andwholeness,ofcompletenessinandofoneself.Often,however,we

havebeentaughttolooktoourpartnersforasenseofcompleteness.

Forexample,womenhavebeentaughttolooktomenforleadership,

andmenhavebeentaughttolooktowomenfornurturance.

Whenweenterarelationshipwithsuchexpectations,weoften

becomedisillusioned.Wemaybeunhappyandblameourpartnerfor

our unhappiness, not realizing the inappropriateness of our

expectations.

As we are able to become aware of and let go of our

expectations,wewillbeable to letgoofourdisappointment inour

partner. In addition, as we are able to call upon our undeveloped

parts,wewillfeelbetteraboutourselvesandmorecomplete.


“Conflictisunavoidablebecauseitisamanifestationofourdifferentness.”

Virginia assumed we will have conflicts in our families,

becauseeachofusisadifferentpersonwithadifferentperspective.

When we pretend that we don’t have conflicts, we often

developpsychosomatic illnesses. Thepain of the conflict is felt and

heldinourbodies,makingussick.

Whenweacceptconflictasanormalpartof life,wecandeal

withitopenly.Wecanevenlookforwardtoit,knowingthatwecan

learnandgrowfromit.


“Womenlearnfromtheirmothershowtoparentandfromtheirfatherswhattoexpectofahusband.Menlearnfromtheirfathershowtoparentandfromtheir

motherswhattoexpectoftheirwives.”

Virginiabelievedthatthemodelwehadfromourparentofthe

same sex influences howwe are as a parent. She also believed our

experience with our parent of the opposite sex affects our

expectationsofhowourspousewouldandshouldbe.

Ifwearenotawareoftheseprinciples,wemay

·feeldisapprovedofbyourpartnerbecauseourparentwasdisapproving;

·feeldisappointedinourpartnerbecausewehadbeendisappointedinourparent’sabilitytomeetourneeds;

·feelcontrolledbecauseourparentwascontrolling;or

· feel abandoned because we were physically oremotionallyabandonedbyourparent.

When we understand that we bring expectations into our

marriage from our past, we can look for them. We can talk about

them.Wecanworkonlettinggoofthem.


“Youcan’tteachsomethingyoudon’tknow.”

Virginia believed that if we weren’t taught how to be

emotionallyhealthy,itishardforustomodelthisforourchildren.

Whenwe

·fightoverwhoisright,

·stuffourfeelingsorexplode,

·getdownonourselveswhenwefail,

·workallofthetime,

·havedifficultydiscipliningourselves,or

·usesubstancestohelpuscope,

ourchildrenwilltendtodothesame.

Whenwecan

·learntonegotiateandaccommodate,

·learntoreleaseourfeelingsappropriately,

·acceptourfailures,

·disciplineourselves,

·andallowtimeforplay,

ourchildrenwilldothesame.


“Theintentofparentsistobehelpfultotheirchildren.”

Virginiabelievedthatwewanttobegoodparents.Wewantto

be helpful to our children, even though oftentimes we don’t know

how.

Whenweasparentsarehavingdifficultywithourchildren,we

mayblameourselves.Wemayfeelguiltorshameandnotbeableto

askforhelp.

Whenwecangiveourselvescreditforgoodintentions,wecan

bemore forgiving of our humanness.Wemay also find it easier to

seekinformation,guidance,orsupportforourselves.


“Theemotionalhonestyofparentswithchildrenismoreimportantthananyspecifictechnique.”

Virginia believed that being straight with children is the

foundationofeffectiveparenting.

Whenwearedishonestwithourchildrenaboutwhatisreally

goingon forus, our childrenmayhavedifficulty trusting theirown

perceptions. They see one thing but are told something else. They

becomeconfused,sometimestothepointofnottrustingthemselves.

Children will always assume they got it wrong. They will never

concludetheirparentsaremistaken.

When we are dishonest with our children, they may have

difficulty trustingothers aswell as themselves.Theymayapproach

theworld from a distrusting place. This is not healthy.We need to

teachourchildrenhowtobediscriminating—butbasically,theyneed

tobeabletotrust.


“Achildisanintruderfortheparents.”

Virginiarecognizedthatwhenwehaveachild,therelationship

that we had prior to the child’s birth has been intruded upon. She

believedthatthisfactneedstobeacknowledgedanddealtwith.

Whenweasparentsdenyorcan’t talkabout thechangeswe

gothroughwiththeadditionofachild,weoftenexperiencetension.

Thetensioncomesfromholdingbackourfeelings.Wemayevenstart

fightswitheachotherasanattempttorelievethetension.

When we can acknowledge and talk about our problems in

adjustingtohavingachild,wearemorefreetolove.Wedon’thaveto

useourenergytoholddownnegativethoughtsandfeelings.


“Weoftenputhatsonothersthatdon’tbelongtothem.”

Virginia used the image of “hats” as away of helpingpeople

understand thatweoftenattributecharacteristicsofourparentsor

otherrelativestoourspousesorchildren.

Wemayseeourchildasbeingstubbornsimplybecausehehas

anosesimilar toUncleGeorgeandUncleGeorgewasstubborn.We

mayresentoneofourchildrenbecauseheorsheremindsusofanex-

spouse.

Wemayaccuseourspouseofbeingcontrolling,becauseoneof

ourparentswascontrolling.Wemayfeelabandonedbyourspouse,

becausewewereabandonedasachild.

It canbeextremelyhelpful to remove the “hats”wehaveon

familymembersthatdon’tbelongtothem.Wecreatetheopportunity

fornewbeginnings.


“Allchildrenaregearedtowardexpression.Iftheyarenotexpressingthemselves,theyhavebeenstifledby

familyrules.”

Virginia believed that all families have unspoken rules that

childrenlearnabouthowtheyaretobe.Sheidentifiedfiverulesthat

she felt are common in families and especially destructive to our

children’sself-worth.

Thefiverulessheidentifiedare:

·“It’snotokaytoexpressmyself—tosaywhatIthinkandfeel.”

·“It’snotokaytoseeandhearwhatisreallygoingoninmyfamily.”

·“It’snotokaytofeelwhatIfeel.”

·“It’snotokaytoaskforwhatIwant.”

·“It’snotokaytotakerisks.”


“Allchildrenknowwhatisgoingon,butdon’tnecessarilyhaveavoiceforit.”

Virginia once told a story of being called in by a hospital to

help treat a babywhowas vomiting uncontrollably. The physicians

could findnophysical reason for thevomiting.Virginiadetermined

thatthebabymusthavebeenpickinguptensionbetweentheparents.

She suggested that they hold the baby between them while she

workedontheirrelationship.Thebabystoppedvomiting.

Whenweasparentsassumethatourchildrenaretooyoungto

perceive our pain, wemay ignore physical or emotional signs that

theyarehurting.

Whenweasparentsunderstandthatourchildrenarecapable

of picking upwhat is happeningwith us,we can bemore alert for

signsthattheyareinpain.Wecanreassurethemthattheyarenotthe

reasonforourpain.Wecanreassurethemthatwewill takecareof

them,andthattheydonothavetotakecareofus.


“Childrenarewillingtosacrificethemselvesfortheirparents,always.”

Virginiabelievedthatourmostbasicinstinctistosurvive.As

children, we equate our survival with the survival of our family

system. Because of this, we will do or be whatever we sense our

familyneeds,inordertoinsureitssurvival.Thismaynotbewhowe

reallyare.

Wemay:

·senseourmother’sneedforsupportandbecomehercounselor, even though we are not ready tohandleitemotionally;

·intuitthatthefamilyneedsgloryandbecomeanover-achiever, driven to achieve, but withoutsatisfaction;

· feel the need our brothers and sisters have fornurturance, andbecome their caretaker, eventhough we have not had that need met inourselves.

As we become aware of the ways in which we sacrificed

ourselvesforthesakeofthesystem,wecanbegintochange.Wecan

letgoofrolesoroldwaysofinteractingwhicharenolongerusefulto

us.


“Thebeliefsthatmadeitpossibleforustolive—maykeepusfromliving.”

Virginiausedtheterms,“beliefs,”“familyrules”and“survival

messages” all interchangeably. She believed that as children we

behaveaccordingtoourfamily’srulesorbeliefs inordertosurvive.

Thesebeliefsshouldbeblessedforhelpingussurvive,butsomemay

behinderingusnow in termsofour ability to expressourselvesor

interacteffectivelyasadults.

Whenwefindourselves

·unabletofeelorunacceptingofourfeelings,

·reluctanttotakerisks,stuckinourfear,

·hesitanttoshareourthoughtsandfeelings,

·unawareofourwantsorfrightenedtoaskforthem,or

·denyingwhatisgoingonaroundus,

weareprobablycarryingbeliefsfromchildhood.

Whenwebecomeawareofourbeliefs,we candecidewhich

onesarekeepingus from livingmore fully.Wecanpracticebeinga

differentway,despiteabeliefthatsaysit’snotokay.Wecanreassure

ourselves that we are no longer children needing to follow a

particularruleinordertosurvive.


“Allchildrenarefirst-born.Thereisthefirstsecondchild,thefirstthirdchild,andsoon.”

Virginia noticed that when we perceive ourselves as “the

secondchild,”wemayalsoperceiveourselvesassecondbest.

Shebelievedthatourworldiscreatedbyourperceptions,and

thatwecancreatenegativeperceptionswhenwe labelourchildren

accordingtotheorderoftheirbirth.

Whenwerefertoourchildbysuchlabelsas“mymiddleone,”

“daughternumberthree,”or“ourbaby,”wearecreatingaperception

forourselvesandourchildwhichisdepersonalizing.

When we as parents can recognize the uniqueness of each

child and relate to the child based on his or her personality rather

thanbirthorder,wehelptocreateasenseofworth.


“Alittleprotectionneverhurtanyone.”

Virginia believed that childrenneed to be protected by their

parents.Theyneedprotectiontosurvive.Theyalsoneedprotectionin

ordertohaveasenseofpsychologicalsafety.Whenchildrenfeelsafe,

theyaremorelikelytohaveahighsenseofself-worth.

Whenweacquiescetoteachersattheexpenseofourchildren,

wearenotprotectingthem.Whenweacquiescetoourspouseatthe

expense of our children, we are not protecting them. When we

acquiesce to family or community pressure at the expense of our

children,wearenotprotectingthem.

When we can gather our courage and stand up for our

children,theywillbebenefited.


“Wecanfullycontactonlyoneotherpersonatatime.”

When Virginia wanted to give her complete attention to

someone,shewouldsitorstandsquarelyinfrontoftheperson,often

holdingbothoftheperson’shands.Virginianotedthatwecannotbe

squarelyinfrontoftwopeopleatthesametime.

Asparents,wemayfindourselvesfeelingfrustratedintrying

togiveattentiontomorethanonechildatatime.Wemayalsofind

ourchildrenfeelingcheatedandactingdemanding.

Whenweunderstandtheprinciple thatwecanonlygiveour

fullattentiontooneotherpersonatatime,wemaytakemorecarein

thewaywepositionourselvestolistentoourchild.Wemayalsotake

timetoreassureourotherchildrenthattheywillbeattendedtolater.


“Welearnedaschildrenthatweshouldlookupratherthanacross.”

Virginiabelievedthatahealthyrelationshipbetweenparents

and children means one in which the feelings and thoughts of the

children are considered to be just as important as those of the

parents.Sherecognizedthatchildrenneedlimitsandbelievedthese

canbesetwithoutthenegativeuseofauthority.

Whenourchildrenexperienceusascontrollingorthreatening,

they often growup to be adultswho are overly accommodating or

overlydefianttoauthorityfigures.

When our children experience us as respectful of their

thoughtsandfeelings,theyaremorelikelytobecomeadultswhoare

ateasewithpeopleinpositionsofauthority.


“Childrenseeonlypartsoftheirparents.”

Virginia developed a therapeutic intervention called “family

reconstruction.” This is a process where a group will re-enact

segmentsofaperson’sfamilyhistory,suchasthechildhoodsoftheir

parents, and their parents’ courtship. One of the purposes of the

interventionistohelppeopleseetheirparentsmorefully, togaina

greaterunderstandingofthem.

When we view our parents solely from the view we had of

themaschildren,wetendtobemoreblaming.Weoftenlackempathy

fortheirdeficits.Wemayseethemintermsofblackorwhite,leaving

noroomforgray.

When we as adults can look at the lives of our parents as

havingbeenchildrenandyounglovers,weoftenseetheminamuch

different light. We may be able to appreciate their strengths more

easilyandhaveagreaterunderstandingoftheirweaknesses.


“Weneedtoappreciatethefive-year-oldwithineachofus.”

Virginiarecognizedthatasadultswestillcarrywithusmany

ofthebeliefs, feelingsandunmetyearningsfromourchildhood.She

felt that if we can realize this, we can bemore understanding and

acceptingofourselves.Wecanalsobemorenurturingtoourselves.

Weareappreciatingthechildwithinuswhenweare

·comfortingourselveswhenwearefrightenedorhurt;

·askingforhelpwhenweneedit;

·acknowledgingourfearofbeingvulnerable;

·allowingtimeforplay;and

·talkingkindlytoourselveswhenwemakemistakes.


“Thereisadifferencebetweenthepainofblameandthepainofrecognition.”

Virginiabelievedthatwecanbecomestuckandnotgrowifwe

areblamingourparentsforthewaytheyraisedus.Shebelievedthat

forgrowthweneedtobeabletorecognizeourpain,feelit,andthen

lookforwaystomakethingsdifferentforourselves.

Wearestuckinthepainofblamewhen

· we bring up the same complaint about our parentsoverandover;

·wekeephopingtheywillchange;

·weresistchangingourattitudetowardthem.

Weareinthepainofrecognitionwhen

·weseethelimitationsofourparents;

·wefeeltheimpactoftheirlimitations;

· we know that the only person we can change isourselves.


“Aspermandanegggottogethertocreateus,soweallstartedoutaspartofatriangle

Virginiabelievedthat theconceptof triangles ina family isa

very importantone.Whenthe firstchild isborn, the first triangle is

created.Witheachadditionalchild,thenumberoftrianglesincreases

geometrically.

Virginiataughtthatweneedtounderstandthecomplexitythat

isaddedwitheachchildintermsofthenumberoftriangles.Shealso

believed that triangles can contribute to the strength of a pair, but

most of us see a thirdperson as taking away fromapair.Wehave

believedtheoldadagethat“twoiscompanyandthreeisacrowd.”

Virginia viewed triangles as offering greater stability than is

possible with a pair, just as a tripod provides more stability than

something that is two-legged. She also saw triangles as offering

greaterpossibilitiesfornurturanceandfeedbackthanispossiblewith

justapair.


“Trianglesconsistatanyonetimeofanactivator,aresponder,andanobserver.”

Virginiaidentifiedtheactivatorastheonewhoisspeaking,the

responderastheonelisteningtothespeaker,andtheobserverasthe

one who is taking in the interaction of the activator and the

responder.

Virginiasawtrianglesasprovidingthepossibilityfortherole

ofobserver,andsheconsideredthatagreataddition.Theinteracting

pairhassomeonewhocangivethemfeedbackabouttheirinteraction.

She used this concept a lot in her work, asking one member of a

familytogiveobservationsofhowtwootherswereinteracting.

Wecanusethisconceptaswell.Whenweareinconflictwith

someone,wecanaskanobserving thirdperson togiveus feedback

aboutourinteraction.


“Weareallmadeofparts,onlyoneofwhichisforegroundatatime.”

Virginia saw us as having many different parts to our

personality.Shebelievedthatweneedallofourpartsinsomeform.

Shebelieved that themoreweknow, accept, andmanageall of our

parts,themorewholewewillbe.

Someofourpartsare:

ourpowerfulpart

.... ourvulnerablepart

ourintelligentpart

.... ourstupidpart

ourhelpfulpart .... ourselfishpart

oursexypart .... ourprudishpart

ournurturingpart

.... ourcriticalpart

ourhonestpart .... ourdishonestpart

ourlovingpart .... ourcruelpart

When we interact, sometimes our parts clash. For example,

whenoneofushasoursexypartout,theother’sprudishpartmaybe

out. Orwhen one of us has our vulnerable part out, the othermay

havethecriticalpartout.


Aswe can allowmore of our parts to surface, wewill have

moreawarenessandcontrolofthem.Wewillalsohavemoreenergy

andresourcesatourdisposal.


“Theworldisafamilyofnations.”

Virginia traveled around the world demonstrating family

therapy. As she did, she began to see similarities between the

problemsoffamiliesandtheproblemsofnations.Theseare:

·theconcentrationofpowerinonepersonorrole

·thepressureforconformityandobedience,

·theuseofblame,and

·theuseofthreat,forceandviolence.

WiththisrealizationVirginiafelthopeful,becauseshebelieved

wecancreategreaterpeacebetweenourfamilyofnationsjustaswe

dowithfamilies,bylearningto

·communicatehonestlyandclearly,

·cooperateratherthancompete,

·empowerratherthansubjugate,

·enhanceindividualuniquenessratherthancategorize,

·useauthoritytoguideandaccomplish,ratherthanforgainingcompliance,

·love,value,andrespecteachother,

·beresponsibletoeachother,and

·useourproblemsaschallengesandopportunitiesforcreativesolutions.


II—Self-Worth


“Self-worthisthecrucialfactorintermsofwhathappensinsideandbetweenpeople.”

Virginiabelievedthatthelevelofourself-worthisthekeyto

howwefeelandhowwebehave.Shewastrained inpsychoanalytic

theory,whichworksonthepremisethatthekeydeterminantsofour

behaviorareoursexualandaggressivedrives.However,afteryearsof

experience in treating people with emotional and behavioral

problems, Virginia concluded that self-worth is even more of a

determinant.

Shenoted thatwhenweareexperiencing lowself-worth,we

are more likely to behave in destructive ways—either toward

ourselvesortowardothers.Wemayholdontonegativebeliefsabout

ourselves, creating the possibility of depression, anxiety, or

defensiveness.Weoftengetinvolvedinhurtfulrelationships.Weare

morelikelytobeaddictedtoharmfulsubstancesorharmfulactivities.

On the other hand, Virginia noted that when we are

experiencinghighself-worthwebehaveinmoremature,productive

andlovingways.Wecanseeourselvesasworthwhileevenwhenwe

makemistakes.Wecantakerisks.Weareabletochooseandmaintain

supportive relationships. We have creative energy and a desire to

contributetosociety.


“Weallhaveresourcesinsidewhichcanbetapped.”

Virginia believed that one of themanyways to increase our

level of self-worth is to usemore fully the inner resources thatwe

havebeengiven.

She identified our inner resources as such things as our

abilities

toexplore,

imagine,

feel,

see,

hear,

express,

ask,

act,

andchoose.

Virginia also believed that courage and wisdom are inner

resourceswhichcanbetapped.


“Weallhavetheabilitytochoose.”

TheabilitytochoosewasaresourcethatVirginiacontinually

emphasized.Herbeliefwasthat themoreweexerciseourability to

choose, themore empoweredwewill feel. And vice versa, that the

more empowered we feel, the more we will see the many choices

availabletous.

Whenwearenotfeelinggoodaboutourselves,wetendtosee

ourselvesasprisonersof lifewith fewchoices.We feel trappedand

helpless, believing thatwe are stuckwithwhomwe are,wherewe

are, or what we have. And we are more likely to see problems as

havingalimitednumberofsolutions.

Whenwearefeelingbetteraboutourselves,wecanseemore

solutions,morechoices.Wearemoreopentonewwaysof thinking

andbeing.


“Highself-worthmeansbeingabletorespondtopeoplebutnotbedefinedbythem.”

ForVirginia,themoreweareabletofeelgoodaboutwhowe

are,themoreweareabletomakedecisionsbaseduponwhatseems

rightforus.Weareabletoheartheopinionsofothers,butwearenot

boundbythem.

Conversely,themoreweareabletodecideandactuponwhat

seemsrightforus,thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.


“Peopleareunique,andthereforeimpossibletocompare.”

Manyofushavebeengiventhemessagethat“tobedifferentis

bad,”thatitisnotokaytobedifferentfromothers.Wehavebelieved

it. Virginia saw this message as being very destructive to our self-

worth.

To her, themiracle of life is that no two of us on earth are

exactlyalike,thatweareeachunique.Itisimpossible,therefore,for

ustocompareourselves.

We can, however, celebrate our unique contributions to the

world.


“Rejectionisanissueofself-worth.”

ForVirginia,itisamatteroflowself-worthwhenweperceive

ourselvesasbeingrejected.

She believed that when we are not feeling good about

ourselves,wearemorelikelytoseeexclusionasamatterofrejection.

Ifwearenotinvitedorincluded,wetendtothinkthereissomething

wrongwithus.

Whenwearefeelingworthwhile,wearecomfortablewiththe

factthatsometimeswefitinwithaparticulargrouporsituationand

sometimes we don’t. We understand that it is a matter of fit, not

worth.


“Peopletendtorespondtoothersastheythinkofthemselves.”

Itwas Virginia’s belief that thewaywe act toward others is

directly related to our feelings about ourselves, our level of self-

worth.

When we do not feel good about who we are, we are more

likely to see others negatively and to be critical andunaccepting of

them.

Asweareabletothinkmorepositivelyofourselves,however,

wearemoreabletobeacceptingofothers.Aswecanacceptourown

mistakes,wecanmoreeasilyacceptthoseofothers.


“Theproblemisnevertheproblem.Itisourcopingwiththeproblemthatistheproblem

It was Virginia’s philosophy that there will always be

problems,thattheyarepartof life.Toher, thecritical issue iswhat

kindofcopingskillswehavefordealingwithourproblems.

Virginiabelievedthatthegreaterourself-worth,thebetterour

copingwill be.Correspondingly, themore coping skillswedevelop,

thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.

ForVirginia,copingmeant

· being able to communicate clearly, directly andspecifically;

· being able to communicate feelings honestly andrespectfully;

· being able to use our inner resources such as ourcreativity;

·beingabletobeopentonewlearning;

·beingabletoseechangeasanopportunity;

·beingwillingtomakechangesandtakerisks.


“Thereisayearningbehindeverydefensivestance.”

Virginiabelievedthatwhenwehave lowself-worth,wehave

deepunmetyearningsaswellasbeliefsthatwearenotokay—that

wearecoveringbydefensiveness.

Theseyearningsmaybetobe

·wanted,

·loved,

·recognized,

·nurtured,

·approvedof,

·accepted.

If we can become aware of our defensiveness, we can also

becomeawareofouryearningsbehindthedefensiveness.Whatisit

thatwearereallylongingfor?

Weoftenstillholdtheimpossibledreamthatwearegoingto

getthatneedmetbyourparent.Weneedtoletourselvesfeelthepain

ofthe lossthat thatwillneverhappen.Wecanthenmoveontothe

workoflettinggoofthathopeandlookingformorerealisticwaysof

gettingourneedsmet.


“Self-worthisbehindeverydefensivestancewaitingtobereborn.”

Virginiabelievedthatthewaytohelppeoplebelessdefensive

istohelpthemraisetheirlevelofself-worth.

Sheidentifiedfourcommonwaysthatwegetdefensive.

Theseare:

· placating, when we are overly accommodating andpleasing;

·blaming,whenwearequicktoaccusesomeoneelseofbeingatfault;

·intellectualizing,whenwegetsuper-reasonable;and

·distracting,whenwetrytodivertthefocus.

ForVirginia,underlyingeachofthesedefenseswasthesame

belief—thatwearenotokay.

Shebelievedthatthemorewecanfeelokayaboutourselves,

the less we need to be defensive. Conversely, the less we are

defensive,thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.


III—Communication


“Communicationistorelationshipswhatbreathistolife.”

For Virginia, effective communication is vital to a healthy

relationship.

Whenwearenotcommunicatingwitheachothereffectively,

we often make incorrect assumptions about what the other is

thinkingandfeeling.Wemaywithholdourtruethoughtsandfeelings

or be unclear about them.Weoftendon’t feel heard or understood

andconcludethatwearenot loved.Wemaybecomedepressedand

looktoothersoutsidetherelationshiptomeetourneeds.

Whenwearecommunicatingmoreeffectively,weareableto

shareourthoughtsandfeelingsandtoexamineourunderstandingof

theotherperson.Weareopentolearning.


“Congruenceisthemarkofhealthycommunication.”

To Virginia, “congruence” meant having our behavior match

ourfeelings.Inotherwords,thatweareabletobehonestaboutwhat

we feel. It alsomeans having a high level of regard for others and

ourselves.

Virginiapointedoutthatsometimesweshowlittleregardfor

others by using a blaming style of communication. Other timeswe

showlittleregardforourselvesbystuffingourownfeelingsandbeing

overlyaccommodatinginordernotto“makewaves.”

Whenweareable tobe congruent,weare able to shareour

feelings,needs,andwants.Wearealsoable to listenrespectfully to

thefeelings,needs,andwantsofothers.


“Thegreatestgiftonecangiveanotheristosee,hear,understandandtouchthem.”

Virginiadevelopedaposterwiththeabovesayingonitwhich

has been distributed throughout the world. On the poster is a

beautifulpictureofahummingbirdmakingcontactwithaflower.To

Virginia,thewaywecanmakecontactwitheachotheristolistenand

observe for understanding. We also can make contact by touching

eachotherinnurturingways.

Whenwe don’t feel listened to or understood, we often feel

cheated.Wemayresorttoblaming,withdrawing,oreven“actingup”

insomewayinordertogetsomekindofattention.

Asweworktowardreallylistening,seeing,andunderstanding

each other, we will feel a greater sense of satisfaction in our

relationships.Wemayalsofeelagrowingdesiretobemoregivingto

eachother.


“Whateveryouperceiveiswhatyoubelieve.Yourworldistheoutcomeofwhatyouperceive.”

WhenVirginialistenedtopeoplecommunicate,oneofthekey

elementsshelistenedforwastheirperception.

She believed that our perceptions—that is,whatwe see and

hear,andthemeaningwegivetowhatweseeandhear—createour

feelingsandoftenthewayweexperiencelife.

She taught that the meaning we give to our perceptions is

basedonourinnerbeliefsaboutthewaythingsare.Ourinnerbeliefs,

however, evolved out of our unique and limited experience of the

worldasachild.Althoughthesebeliefswerethebestconclusionswe

couldcometoatthetime,theymaynotreallyholdtruenow.

In order to be effective in interpersonal communication, we

needtoacknowledgethatourperceptionisnotreality,butsimplyour

viewbasedonourbeliefs.Withthatacknowledgment,wecanbegin

tobecomeawareofourbeliefsandexaminetheirvalidity.Wecanask

othersiftheyseetheworldaswedo.Wecanopenourselvestonew

waysofthinking.


“Communicationiswithyourselfaswellaswithothers.”

Virginiabelieved that thewaywe talk toourselves is just as

importantasthewaywetalkwithothers.

We often talk to ourselves in very unkind ways. We label

ourselvesnegatively,callingourselvesnameslike“stupid”or“idiot.”

Wecompareourselvestoothersandtellourselvesthatwearenotas

goodassomeoneelse.Wearecriticalofourselves, tellingourselves

we“should”bedifferentthanweare.

Virginia believed that we can change this, and that it is

extremelyimportantforourself-worththatwedochangeit.Wecan

talk to ourselves regularly, telling ourselves that we are valuable,

worthwhile, andunique.We can accept our feelings as not right or

wrong, but simply our feelings. And we can forgive ourselves

regardingourmistakes.


“Meetingisthebeginningofarelationship.”

Virginiatookgreatcareinthewayshegreetedpeople.Shesaw

eachnewmeetingastheopportunitytobringthegiftofanewperson

intoherlife.

Whenweviewtheprocessofmeetingasinsignificant,weare

morelikelytotreatitlightly.Wemayevenseeitassomethingto“get

through,”andfeelrelievedwhenit’sover.

Whenweviewmeetingasthebeginningofarelationship,we

aremore likelytotaketimetoreachoutandtrulyseeandhearthe

other.Wegiveourselvesthepossibilityofaddinganewmeaningful

relationshiptoourlives.


“Contactcannotbemadefromadefensivestance.”

“Contact” was Virginia’s word for connection. To her, it is

impossible forus tobe fully connectedwith someonewhenweare

defensive. She believed that when we are defensive, our energy is

goingintoprotectingourselvesandnotintoconnectingwithanother.

When we can be open to each other—sharing and listening

from a place of caring and honesty—we are more likely to feel

connected.Wefeelrespectedandequal.Wefeelvalidatedasseparate

individualsandatthesametimeconnectedinourhumanness.


“Intimacyisyourwillingnesstoshareyourtruth—withrelevance,appropriateness,andtiming.”

Virginiabelievedthatintimacymeanstakingtheriskofbeing

honestandvulnerablewithapartner.Italsomeanschoosingthetime

and the topic for sharing, basedon a consideration of the partner’s

energylevelandcapacitytohandlewhatwehavetosay.

Whenwe disregard our partner’s needs and sharewhat we

want,whenwewant,wemayhurttherelationship.

Whenwe takeourpartner’sneeds intoaccount,we increase

ourchancesofhavingasatisfyingconversationandachievinggreater

closeness.


“Touchingisauniversallanguage.”

Virginia believed that, nomatterwhat their verbal language,

all people can understand the language of touch. She also believed

thatweallneedtouch.Infact,itwashercontentionthattouchisone

of the great unmet needs of most people. Because of this, Virginia

touched people a great deal. And she did it in a very caring, loving

manner.

Sheusedtosaythatwecantouchwithoureyes,ourvoice,and

ourbodies.

If we have grown up in families where there wasn’t much

touching, we may feel uncomfortable with it. But our

uncomfortablenessdoesnotmeanthatwedon’thaveayearningfor

touch. Unfortunately, there is often a negative correlation between

ourageandtheamountoftouchwereceive.

Ifwechoose,wecanpracticegettingcomfortablewithtouch.


“Everyonehasaninvisibleskinabout18inchesoutfromthebody.Insidethisiseachperson’spersonalspace.”

AlthoughVirginiawasfamousforhertouch,shealsowasvery

respectfulandawareoftheneedpeoplehaveforspace.Sheobserved

carefully to see what amount of closeness was acceptable for each

individual.

Ifwearenotawareofthebodylanguageofothersinrelation

to our closeness, wemay cause them to feel uncomfortable—even

violated.

Whenwearerespectfuloftheneedsofothersregardingspace,

wearemore likely tocreatea feelingofcomfortbetweenourselves

andthem.


“Whenyoumeetrigidity,that’sparforthecourse.Thekeyis:tonotbecomemorerigidyourself.”

Virginiasawrigidityasanaturaldefenseweusewhenwefeel

threatened.Shebelievedthatthewaytoavertfurtherdefensiveness

istolessenthethreat.

WhenVirginiawastreatingsomeoneandtheywereprotecting

themselvesbybeing rigid andunbending, shewouldbecomesofter

and more nurturing. She tried not to get hooked into a power

struggle.

When we find ourselves being rigid, we can take a look at

ourselvesandtrytofigureoutwhywearefeelingthreatened.

Ifweareconfrontedwithsomeoneelse’srigidity,wecanhelp

ourselvesbyunderstandingthatitisaprotectivemechanism.Wecan

stopourselvesfromescalatingtheinteractionintoabattleforcontrol.

Wecanworkonincreasingourflexibility.


“Inoursociety,judgingusuallycomesbeforeobserving.”

Virginia believed thatmost of us jump to conclusions about

others much too quickly. Virginia was deaf from the age of five to

seven,andduringthistimeshebecameveryastuteatobserving.She

invited people to increase their own observing skills and decrease

theirjudgments.

When we are quick to judge, we often do not see the full

picture or we distort the picture. We attribute meaning to the

appearances or behavior of others that is based on our own

experience,ratherthanreality.

Whenweareabletoobservewithoutjudgment,weoftenfind

thatourassumptionswerenotcorrect.


IV—Feelings


“Feelingsgiveusourjuice!”

Virginia believed that having access to our feelings is what

givesusourenergyandouraliveness.

When we are cut off from our feelings, we may feel numb,

lethargic,anduninspired.Depressionandanxietymaysetin.Wecan

evendevelopillnessesbecauseourfeelingsarestuckinourbodies.

Wefindourrelationshipsunsatisfyingwhenwecan’trelateto

thefeelingsofothers.

Virginiahelpedpeoplegetintouchwiththeirfeelingssimply

byaskingthemfrequentlyhowtheywerefeeling.Herbeliefwasthat

we can learn to be in touch with our feelings by increasing our

awarenessofthem.

Whenwecandevelopourcapacitytofeel,wegainasenseof

relief,freedom,andenergy.Wealsoincreaseourabilitytoempathize

withothers,whichisaveryimportantaspectofbeinganemotionally

healthyindividual.


“Whenthoughtenhancesfeelingandfeelingenhancesthought—thenwehavewholeness.”

ToVirginia,weneedtobeabletouseourcapacitytofeeland

ourcapacitytothinkinordertobefullyhuman.

Whenweareover-developedinourabilitytothinkandcutoff

fromourfeelings,wearemorelimitedinourabilitytoexperiencethe

many facets of life.We tend to only see and trust facts.We tend to

undervalue relationships. Our spiritual needsmay get neglected as

well.

Whenweareover-developedinourabilitytofeelandcutoff

from our ability to think,we often act impulsively.We can become

overwhelmedandimmobilizedwithourfeelings.Wemaytendtosee

ourselvesashelplessandneedy.

Whenwearemoreinbalance,ourfeelingsgiveusenergyand

ourmindsgiveus theability tochannel thatenergy intoproductive

waysofbeing.


“Feelingswehaveinthepresentareoftengeneratedbythoughtsfromthepast.”

AsVirginia saw it,we often have feelings based onprevious

experienceswhileattributingthemtopresentones.

Whenwe are upsetwith someone in the present sometimes

wearereallyreactingtoareminderfromourpast.Wemayseeour

spouseascontrollingbecausewehadacontrollingparent.Wemaybe

intimidated by our boss because as children we learned to be

frightenedofauthority figures.Wemaybe impatientwithourchild

becauseheremindsusofourselfasachild.

Whenwecandevelopmoreawarenessaboutourselves,weare

moreable tokeepclearaboutwhatbelongs towhom.Wearemore

able torelate topeople forwhotheyare, rather thanwhowethink

theyare.


“Feelingsaremerelybarometers.Theydonotdictateourbehavior.”

It was Virginia’s contention that we have grown more and

moretobelievethatwemustactonwhateverwefeel.Shedisagreed

withthiswayofthinking,invitingustoacknowledgeourfeelingsand

thendecideifwewishtoactonthemornot.

Whenwe feel at themercy of our feelings, we usually don’t

trust ourselves.We feel a sense of inadequacy.We also tend to be

morejudgmentalofourselves,believingthatwearewrongforwhat

wearefeeling.

Aswegetmoreinchargeofourfeelings,wecanfeelmoreself-

assuranceandself-acceptance.


“Fearconstrictsandblindsus.”

Virginia observed that when we are frightened we are less

flexibleandlessabletoseewhatishappeningaroundus.Wearealso

oftenunabletoseethatwehavechoices.

Whenwecanacknowledgeandacceptourfears,wearemore

able to seenewpossibilities.Wearealsomore free to acton those

possibilities.

Virginiaoftenhandedpeopleanimaginary“couragestick,”as

shecalledit;thatwastobearemindertothemoftheirinnercourage.

Shewouldsuggestthatthisimaginarystickwasavailabletothemat

anytimethattheyneededto“leadwiththeircourageandleavetheir

fearbehind.”


“Foreveryfeelingwehave,wewillhaveabodyresponse.”

While working at the Mental Research Institute, Virginia

workedcloselywithphysicianstryingtounderstandtherelationship

ofillnesstofeelings.Itwasherconclusionthatthereisaverystrong

relationshipbetweenfeelingsandillness.

She believed that when we hold on to our feelings, we are

increasingourchancesofillness.Wemayholdontooursadnessby

notallowingourselvestogrievealoss.Wemayholdontoouranger

byblamingothers.Wemayholdontoourfearbynotsharingitwith

someone.

When we are able to let go of our feelings, we cleanse our

body.

Letting go of feelings can be accomplished by first

acknowledgingandthenacceptingthem.Oncewehavedonethis,we

can choose howwewant to let go.We can express our feelings, or

simplymakethedecisiontoletgoofthem.


“Theeventisnotwhatwehavetodealwith—itisthefeelingsgeneratedabouttheevent.”

Virginiabelievedthatour feelingsarecreatedbythewaywe

interpret words and behaviors, not the words and behaviors

themselves.

Shebelievedthistobeaveryimportantconceptfromthepoint

ofviewofpersonalempowermentaswellaseffective interpersonal

communication.

Whenwe do not understand this, we often accuse others of

making us have certain bad feelings. We may say, “You made me

angry,”or“Youhurtmyfeelings.”Wecanfeelatthemercyofothers.

Wecanalsoputthemonthedefensivebyourattackingwords.

Shehoped thatwe could come to understand thatwe are in

chargeofourfeelingsbecauseweareinchargeofourownthoughts

andinterpretations.


“Angerisoftenadefensivefeeling.Therearesofterfeelingsunderneathwhichneedtobedealtwith.”

Virginiasawusashavingfeelingssuchasdisappointmentand

hurtbeneathourprotectiveanger.

Whenwearefeelingangry,wemaythinkthismeansthatwe

are in touch with our feelings, but often there are other more

vulnerablefeelingsunderneathwithwhichwearenotintouch.

Whenwe are able to connect with the feelings beneath our

anger,weoftencangetcleareraboutthesourceofourpain.Wecan

moreeasilydetermineourneedsandworktogetthemmet.Wecan

communicatelessdefensivelywithothers.


”Wehavefeelingsaboutfeelings.”

OneofVirginia’scontributionstotheprocessofhelpingpeople

was to explore feelings about feelings. She discovered that it was

often at this level thatwe get stuck.We carry judgments about the

feelingsweareexperiencing,andthese judgmentsget in thewayof

theirexpressionorrelease.

Wemaycarryamessageinsidethatsaysit’snotokaytofeelat

all.Orwemayhave judgmentsaboutcertain feelings.Whenwefeel

afraidwemaybelieve that it’snotokay tobeafraid, and soweget

embarrassedaboutbeingafraid.Whenwefeelangrywemaybelieve

thatit’snotokaytobeangryandsowefeelguilty.

When we become more aware of our judgments about our

feelings,wecanworktowardgreateracceptanceofthem.Andaswe

are more accepting of our feelings, we will have greater energy

availabletous.


Allpeoplehavethesamefeelingswhethertheyaretwoorninety-two.”

Virginiabelievedthatweoftenseechildrenandtheelderlyas

somehownotfeelingasmuchaswedo,soweminimizetheirneeds.

When we see children as not feeling as much, we often

discount the level of their loss, rage, or fear. This is not only

depersonalizing,butalsoverydangerousbecauseitcanleadtoabuse.

The same is true for the elderly.When we see them as not

havingthesamekindoffeelingsasourselves,wetendtotreatthem

with less compassionandunderstanding.We tend todiscount their

needsandtheirindividuality.

We need to understand that we all have the same feelings

regardlessofourage.


V—Change


“Peoplearecapableofchange.”

Virginia saw growth and change as the natural order of the

universe.Shebelievedthatwecanlearnnewwaysofbeingnomatter

whatourage.

Whenweresistchange,it’softenbecausewedon’thavehope

that things can be better for us. Virginia always had hope and

promoted hope because she knew people are capable of positive

changes.Shealsoknewthatweneedtheenergyfromhopeinorderto

change.

Overtheyearsofobservingchangeinpeopleshesawthatwe

gothroughuniveralstages.

First—wehaveanawarenessthatweneedtochangebutwedon’tchange.

Second—somethinginterruptsourusualwayofbeingsuchasadivorce,ourchildgetsintotrouble,orweloseourjob.

Third—we feel in chaos, distressed and anxious. We areofteninagreatdealofpainandfeeloutofcontrol.Wecangooneof twoways.We can choose to stayasweareandblamesomeoneelseforourpain,orwecanchoosetolookatourselvesandmakesomechanges.

Fourth—ifwedochoosetochange,wecometoanewlevelofunderstandingandintegration.

Fifth—we must practice the new changes to make them


ours.

Onceweunderstandthesestages,wearemorelikelytobeable

to recognizewhenourpain is really “the stage of chaos.”With this

recognitionwe can feelmore in control, andknow thatweareat a

choicepointintheprocessofchange.


“Thereismorepulltowardthefamiliarthantheunfamiliar.”

Virginiaknewthatpeoplearecapableofchange.Shealsoknew

thatwearedrawntostaywiththatwhichweknow,nomatterhow

miserableweare,simplybecauseitisfamiliartous.Weareafraidto

change—togooutoftheknownandintotheunknown.

Wemaycontinuetoplacateeventhoughweknowit’scausing

usphysicalproblems,becausewefeartheconsequencesofstanding

upforourselves.Wemaycontinuetobecontrollingbecausewehave

anundefinedfearofnotbeingincontrol.Wedon’tknowwhatwould

happenandthatisterrifying.

Wemaystayinhurtfulrelationships—evenenduringphysical

cruelty—becauseat least it is familiar,wehavealreadyexperienced

it.Wedon’t knowwhatwemight have to experience ifwewere to

leavetherelationshipandgooutonourown.

When we can understand our natural pull to stay in the

familiar,wecanacknowledgeitandthen,ifwechoose,wecangather

ourcourageandmoveintotheunfamiliar.


“Theonlyrealcertaintyinlifeischange.”

ToVirginia,theacceptanceanduseofchangeforgrowthwas

theemotionallyhealthyapproach.Shevieweditasunhealthytotryto

getsecurityandcertaintybyresistingnaturalchanges.

Whensheworkedwithparents,shelookedtoseeiftheywere

“up to date” and adjusting their expectations for the ages of their

children.

We can choose to resist change or acknowledge it and even

lookforwardtoit.Thisisnottosaythatweshouldn’tallowourselves

tofeelthelossesthatgoalongwithchanges.Butitmeanswecansee

changeasthewayofnature,andtheopportunityforgreaterwisdom

andactualizationonourpart.


“Itisnormaltoseebarriersalongwithwishes.Theproblemiswhenyouseethebarriersaspermanent.”

Inherlateryears,Virginia’sfocuswasinternationalpeace.All

ofhermajorworkshopsendedonthetopicofpeace.Sheworkedto

inspire people from all around theworld towork toward peace as

well.

In keeping with her belief that we needn’t see barriers as

permanent, she had been a pioneer in working behind the Iron

Curtain,inEasternEurope,andtheSovietUnion.

Unfortunately, Virginia did not live to see her wish for the

Berlinwalltocomedownbecomereality.

Shebelievedthatpeoplearecapableofgettingridofbarriers

andshewasright!


“Takeadirectionandseeifitfits.Beawarethatyourlegscangoforward,sideways,andbackward.”

Virginiabelievedwealwayshavechoices.

Oftentimeswegetdepressedbecauseweseeourselveslocked

intothinkingthatifwemakeachangeanditisn’ttherightoneforus,

wearestuckwithit.

Virginia’smetaphorwasherwayofsayingthatwecanchange

ourminds.Wecanexperimentwithachangeand if it isn’tworking

for us, we can go back to our old way or we may discover other

possibilitiesoncewe’vemadethefirstchange.


“Wecan’tseeourownbacksides.”

ForVirginia,helpingpeoplebecomeawareofthemselvesisthe

firststepineffectingchange.Shebelievedthatweallhaveblindspots

regardingourownbehavior.Wecan,however,learnaboutourselves

fromothers.

Whentreatingafamily,Virginiaoftenwouldsaythatshehad

noticed something about what was going on, and ask if they were

interestedinherobservations.Inthisway,shehelpedthemseetheir

backsides.

Virginiawas famous for letting people see her backside. She

worked with families in front of professional audiences and then

askedforfeedbackaboutherwork.

We can be helped to see our own backsides by asking our

friends, children, partners, bosses, or co-workers how they see us

interactingwithothers.


“Awarenessreleasesenergythathasbeenboundupinburiedfeelings.”

Virginiawouldsaythattryingtokeepfeelingsburiedwaslike

trying to keephungrydogs down in the basement. The longer they

are in the basement, the hungrier they get, and themore energy it

takestokeepthedoorshut!

She believed that it was an important part of her role as a

therapisttohelppeoplefreetheenergythatwasbeingusedtohold

downfeelings.

Shethereforefocusedonhelpingpeoplebecomeawareoftheir

feelings. She did this ismanyways: Encouraging people to breathe

deeply as theywere having a feeling in order to feel itmore fully.

Encouragingpeopletoclosetheireyesandconnectwiththeirimages

as they talked about a significant event in their lives. Encouraging

people tonotice the sensations in theirbodies as they talkedabout

somethingimportanttothem.

Whenwecanfeelourburiedfeelingsinwhateverwaywefind

worksforus,wewillfeelreleasedandenergized.


“Youdon’thavetocompletelyletgoofonethingtogainsomethingnew.Wecanaddratherthandiscard.”

Virginiabelievedinwhatshecalledthe“principleofaddition”

rather than “subtraction”when it came to trying toeffect change in

behavior.Toher,thismeantfocusingonaddingnew,moreeffective

behaviorsratherthantryingtoeliminateineffectiveones.

She did not believe in trying to eliminate behaviors because

she noted how it often did not work. She concluded that whenwe

focus on eliminating ineffective behaviors, we set up an internal

conflictandresistanceforourselves.Onepartofustellsourselveswe

need to stop doing the unwanted behavior, while another part

becomesrebelliousandwantstodoitevenmore.

When we simply focus on adding new, more effective

behaviors,we don’t create resistance for ourselves—so changing is

easier.


“Howwegottobeacertainwayisimportantforourunderstanding,butitdoesn’tfixus.”

Virginia believed that in order to effect change, we need to

practice newways of thinking and behaving in addition to gaining

newawarenessaboutourselves.Thisdiffers fromtheviewof some

therapists,whobelievethatwecanchangesimplybybecomingaware

ofineffectivebehaviors.

Virginia would help people gain new awareness and then

provideopportunitiesforthemtopracticenewwaysofbehaving.She

might coach them on how they could be more direct and

straightforward, if their tendencywas topleaseothersat theirown

expense.Shemighthelpapersonpracticespeakingforhimself,ifhe

hadatendencytospeakforothers.Shemighthelpapersonlearnhow

to express the softer feelings underneath his anger, if his tendency

wastoblameothers.

Whenwediscoversomethingwewould like tochangeabout

ourselves,wecanpractice.Wewillslipandwewillbeawkward,but

that’s normal. Oftentimes we give up when it comes to changing

ourselves, becausewe expect to change instantly andperfectly. But

thatisnotthewaywehumansoperate—weneedtimetopractice.


“Healingoccurswhenyoucanexpresswhatyouknewallthetimebutdidn’thavethewordsfor,orcouldn’t

express.”

Virginia believed that when we experience traumas in our

lives,weneedtobeabletoexpressourfeelingsandthoughtsabout

them.Itisthroughthisexpressionthatweobtainreleaseandhealing.

Virginiaworked tohelpedpeopleheal frompast traumasby

encouraging them to reconnect with their images and memories

regarding the traumas. She would then explore their feelings—

helping the people get in touch with their feelings and talk about

them.

Virginiabelievedthatforrealchangetotakeplace,weneedto

beabletobeintouchwithourfeelingsaswellasourthoughts.It is

not enough to gain an understanding of what happened to us. We

needtofeelitandtalkaboutit.


“Whenwehavenewinformation,wehavenewpossibilities.”

Virginia believed that when we have access to information

abouttheunversalprinciplesofhumaninteraction,we increaseour

abilitytolivemoreeffectively.

She saw a major part of her role as a therapist as that of

conveyinginformation.Shedidnotgiveadvicebutrathersharedher

observationsandunderstandingofhumaninteraction.

She believed thatwhenwehave been given information,we

havemorechoicesforhowwewanttobehaveandliveourlives.


“Riskisapartoflife.Itrejuvenatesus.”

Virginia identified the attitude we were taught toward risk-

taking as one of the most critical in terms of our self-worth. She

believedthatwhenwecantakerisks,wefeelbetteraboutourselves.

Similarly,whenwedon’ttakerisks,weloserespectforourselves.

Virginia modeled risk-taking. When she began doing family

therapy, it was not an acceptedmethod of treatment. She not only

took the risk to do family therapy, but she also took the risk to

practice it on stage while skeptical professionals watched and

critiquedher.

When we can tell ourselves that our success or failure at

somethingnewisnotrelatedtoourbasicworthasahumanbeing,we

aremoreable to takerisks.Themorerisksweareable to take, the

easieritistofeelgoodaboutourselves.


“Transformationhasoccurredwhenapersongoesfromsaying‘Iwanttobeloved’to‘Iamloved—byme’.”

Virginiasawusashavingshiftedtoaplaceofhighself-worth

whenwecanlooktoourselves,ratherthanothers,forvalidationand

love.

Shebelievedthatoncethischangehastakenplace,wearefree

to

·chooselovingrelationships,

·takestandsforwhatwebelievetoberight,and

·focusourenergyonproductiveandcreativeactivities.


AbouttheAuthor

Sharon Loeschen is a licensed clinical socialworker, teacher

and author. She studied with Virginia Satir and has written two

additional books on her work, The Satir Process and Systematic

TrainingintheSkillsofVirginiaSatir.

For furtherresourcesontheteachingsofVirginiaSatir,goto

https://satirglobal.org.


https://satirglobal.org/

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THE SECRETS OF SATIR - therapynetwork.eu · gained from Virginia Satir, who was a world famous...

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