THESECRETSOFSATIR
CollectedSayingsofVirginiaSatir
SHARONLOESCHEN,M.S.W.,L.C.S.W.
Copyright©1991SharonLoeschenIllustratedbySusanGreenLoNigro
e-Book2017InternationalPsychotherapyInstitute
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CreatedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
TOTHEMEMORYOFVIRGINIASATIR
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TableofContents
Introduction
Acknowledgments
I—Families
II—Self-Worth
III—Communication
IV—Feelings
V—Change
AbouttheAuthor
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Introduction
IdecidedtowritethisbookasawayofsharingthewisdomI
gainedfromVirginiaSatir,whowasaworldfamousfamilytherapist
andsocialworker.ManyrefertoVirginiaasthe“ColumbusofFamily
Therapy” because she discovered the effectiveness of conducting
psychotherapy with entire families, as opposed to the traditional
methodofworkingwithoneindividualatatime.
In1979, IwatchedVirginiaworkwithfamiliesataworkshop
in Springfield, Illinois. I was very impressed with her knowledge,
skills,andmostofall,herlovingwayofbeingwithpeople.Theninthe
springof1986, IwatchedherworkwithcouplesataworkshopinLos
Angeles.AgainIwasimpressedandIdecidedIwantedtostudywith
her.
Thatsummer Iwent toVirginia’smonth-long training,which
she called a “process community,” held high up in the Rockies of
Colorado.Mostoftheninetyparticipantswerecounselors,butthere
were also teachers, physicians, homemakers, musicians, and
ministers.Thetrainingwasthemostgrowthproducingmonthofmy
life—so much so that I decided that I wanted to go back the next
summer for further training. I am very grateful for that decision,
becauseVirginiadiedthefollowingJune.
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ThebookisacollectionofVirginia’ssayings—orasIpreferto
call them, her “secrets.” Virginia discovered many of the universal
principlesofhowandwhypeoplebehave theway theydo,andshe
shared these during her trainings. The opportunity to gain her
“secrets”firsthandwaslostwithherdeath,soIdecidedtosharethe
onesIhavecollectedthroughthisbook.
Ichosetheword“secrets”forthetitlenotonlybecauseofher
discoveriesabouthowwehumansoperate,butalsobecauseVirginia
wasfamousforhelpingfamiliestogettheirown“secrets”outinthe
open and deal with them. Virginia believed that freedom of
expression is the key to an emotionally healthy family, and that
“secrets”createbarrierstoexpression.
I have organized her sayings under five major headings:
families,self-worth,communication,feelingsandchange.
Thebookcanbereadinanyfashionthatsuitsyourfancy.You
mayreaditsequentially,jumparound,orreadapageatatime.
Ihopeyoufinditofvalue.
SharonLoeschen
LongBeach,CaliforniaAugust1991
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Acknowledgments
Iwanttoacknowledgethesepeoplefortheirtremendoushelp
inbringingthisbookintoexistence,
· Bob Loeschen, my wonderful husband, who fullysupportedme in taking the time, money andenergy to study with Virginia; also for hispatient and constructive editing of my manyrewrites;
·HarrisandMildredParsons,myparents,whogavemea loving, nurturing environment in which togrowandblossom;
·BeckyThorn,whohasbeenamarveloussupportandcriticofmywriting;
· Ruth Williamson-Kirkland, who sent me manymessages of encouragement to help me getthroughthemonthlongtrainingswithVirginiainColorado;
·SirriHanson,whonurturedandguidedmygrowthtothepointthatIhadthecouragetotaketherisktostudywithVirginia;
· Joan Brown, who suggested that I create a separateworkofVirginia’ssayings;
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· Jackie Schwartz and JudyWeinstein,whohelpedmegetmycreativejuicesflowing;
·DeeAbrahamse,whopatientlylistenedandsupportedmethroughthemanyhurdles;
·DianneRamsteadwhogavemeherfeedback;
· Sharon Olson, who enthusiastically helped with theformatandediting;and
· Susan Green LoNigro, who did the magnificentdrawings for this book—so beautifullycapturingthefeelingsofVirginia’ssayings.
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I—Families
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“Familiesaresystems,andalllivingsystemsgotowardbalance”
Virginia first discovered that our families work as systems
when she was working as social worker in a mental hospital in
Chicago.Shewastreatingayoungwomanandshenoticedthatjustas
the young woman starting getting better, her mother got deeply
depressedandherfatherhadaheartattack.Shealsonotedthatwhen
theseeventsoccurredinthefamily,theyoungwomangotsickagain.
Virginiaconcludedthatthesechangeswerenotcoincidentalandthat
sheneededtotreatthefamilyasasystem—asawhole.
When we change our behavior, we may experience strong
pulls fromour family togoback toouroldwaysofbeing.Wehave
upsetthebalanceofthesystemandthesystemwilltrytorightitself
bypressuringustoreturntoourformerbehavior.
Whenweunderstandthenatureofsystems,wecanresistthe
pressuretoreturntoourpreviouswaysofbeing.Wecanbecomethe
personwewanttobe.
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“Therearetwokindsofsystems:openandclosed.”
Virginiadeterminedthatallsystems,includingfamilies,canbe
openorclosedbasedontheirabilitytorespondtochange.
Whenwehaveaclosedfamilysystemwetendtobe
·inflexibleabouttherules,
·unclearaboutwhattherulesare,and
·secretive.
Whenwehaveanopenfamilysystemwetendtobe
· flexible, changing the rules as the children’s needschange,
·clearaboutwhattherulesare,and
·upfrontwithwhatishappeninginourfamily.
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“Childrenarelikeseedlings—theygrowbestwhentheyareinanurturingenvironment.”
Virginia believed that often we create unnurturing
environmentsforourchildrenbyassuming:
· that in marital and parental relationships, someonemustdominateandsomeonemustsubmit,
·thattobedifferentfromothersinthefamilyisbad,
·thatwhenthereisaproblem,onepersonhastobeatfault,and
·thatit’sbesttoavoidchangeandpreservethestatusquo.
Shealsobelievedweareverycapableofchange,andthatwe
canchangeourfamiliestonurturingenvironmentsby:
· seeing the members of our families as equal inpersonhood,regardlessofageorgender,
· celebrating our personality differences, ouruniqueness,
·understandingthatourproblemsaremulticausalandnotneedingtofindfault,and
·acceptingandcelebratingchangeasthewayofnature.
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“Thekeytoahealthyfamilyisahappymarriage”
When childrenwere referred toVirginia for help, shewould
begin her assessment by looking at the health of the parents’
marriage.Virginiabelievedthatchildrenaregreatlyaffectedbywhat
ishappeninginthemarriage.
Whenourchildrenseeusinpainandunabletoresolveit,they
toowillbeinpain.Theymayexpresstheirpaininavarietyofways
suchas:
·wettingthebed,
·beingaggressivewithotherchildren,
·beinghyperactive,
·performingpoorlyinschool,
·under-orover-eating,
·havingnightmares,
·havingdifficultysleepingintheirownbeds,or
·turningtodrugsoralcoholintheirteens.
When our children see us treating each other with respect,
communicating openly and being able to work out our differences,
theyfeelmoresecure.
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“Wheneachpersoninacouplehasacenter,bothwillfeelofvalue,andtherelationshipwillbeenhanced”
ForVirginia,tohaveacentermeanttohaveasenseofidentity
andwholeness,ofcompletenessinandofoneself.Often,however,we
havebeentaughttolooktoourpartnersforasenseofcompleteness.
Forexample,womenhavebeentaughttolooktomenforleadership,
andmenhavebeentaughttolooktowomenfornurturance.
Whenweenterarelationshipwithsuchexpectations,weoften
becomedisillusioned.Wemaybeunhappyandblameourpartnerfor
our unhappiness, not realizing the inappropriateness of our
expectations.
As we are able to become aware of and let go of our
expectations,wewillbeable to letgoofourdisappointment inour
partner. In addition, as we are able to call upon our undeveloped
parts,wewillfeelbetteraboutourselvesandmorecomplete.
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“Conflictisunavoidablebecauseitisamanifestationofourdifferentness.”
Virginia assumed we will have conflicts in our families,
becauseeachofusisadifferentpersonwithadifferentperspective.
When we pretend that we don’t have conflicts, we often
developpsychosomatic illnesses. Thepain of the conflict is felt and
heldinourbodies,makingussick.
Whenweacceptconflictasanormalpartof life,wecandeal
withitopenly.Wecanevenlookforwardtoit,knowingthatwecan
learnandgrowfromit.
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“Womenlearnfromtheirmothershowtoparentandfromtheirfatherswhattoexpectofahusband.Menlearnfromtheirfathershowtoparentandfromtheir
motherswhattoexpectoftheirwives.”
Virginiabelievedthatthemodelwehadfromourparentofthe
same sex influences howwe are as a parent. She also believed our
experience with our parent of the opposite sex affects our
expectationsofhowourspousewouldandshouldbe.
Ifwearenotawareoftheseprinciples,wemay
·feeldisapprovedofbyourpartnerbecauseourparentwasdisapproving;
·feeldisappointedinourpartnerbecausewehadbeendisappointedinourparent’sabilitytomeetourneeds;
·feelcontrolledbecauseourparentwascontrolling;or
· feel abandoned because we were physically oremotionallyabandonedbyourparent.
When we understand that we bring expectations into our
marriage from our past, we can look for them. We can talk about
them.Wecanworkonlettinggoofthem.
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“Youcan’tteachsomethingyoudon’tknow.”
Virginia believed that if we weren’t taught how to be
emotionallyhealthy,itishardforustomodelthisforourchildren.
Whenwe
·fightoverwhoisright,
·stuffourfeelingsorexplode,
·getdownonourselveswhenwefail,
·workallofthetime,
·havedifficultydiscipliningourselves,or
·usesubstancestohelpuscope,
ourchildrenwilltendtodothesame.
Whenwecan
·learntonegotiateandaccommodate,
·learntoreleaseourfeelingsappropriately,
·acceptourfailures,
·disciplineourselves,
·andallowtimeforplay,
ourchildrenwilldothesame.
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“Theintentofparentsistobehelpfultotheirchildren.”
Virginiabelievedthatwewanttobegoodparents.Wewantto
be helpful to our children, even though oftentimes we don’t know
how.
Whenweasparentsarehavingdifficultywithourchildren,we
mayblameourselves.Wemayfeelguiltorshameandnotbeableto
askforhelp.
Whenwecangiveourselvescreditforgoodintentions,wecan
bemore forgiving of our humanness.Wemay also find it easier to
seekinformation,guidance,orsupportforourselves.
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“Theemotionalhonestyofparentswithchildrenismoreimportantthananyspecifictechnique.”
Virginia believed that being straight with children is the
foundationofeffectiveparenting.
Whenwearedishonestwithourchildrenaboutwhatisreally
goingon forus, our childrenmayhavedifficulty trusting theirown
perceptions. They see one thing but are told something else. They
becomeconfused,sometimestothepointofnottrustingthemselves.
Children will always assume they got it wrong. They will never
concludetheirparentsaremistaken.
When we are dishonest with our children, they may have
difficulty trustingothers aswell as themselves.Theymayapproach
theworld from a distrusting place. This is not healthy.We need to
teachourchildrenhowtobediscriminating—butbasically,theyneed
tobeabletotrust.
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“Achildisanintruderfortheparents.”
Virginiarecognizedthatwhenwehaveachild,therelationship
that we had prior to the child’s birth has been intruded upon. She
believedthatthisfactneedstobeacknowledgedanddealtwith.
Whenweasparentsdenyorcan’t talkabout thechangeswe
gothroughwiththeadditionofachild,weoftenexperiencetension.
Thetensioncomesfromholdingbackourfeelings.Wemayevenstart
fightswitheachotherasanattempttorelievethetension.
When we can acknowledge and talk about our problems in
adjustingtohavingachild,wearemorefreetolove.Wedon’thaveto
useourenergytoholddownnegativethoughtsandfeelings.
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“Weoftenputhatsonothersthatdon’tbelongtothem.”
Virginia used the image of “hats” as away of helpingpeople
understand thatweoftenattributecharacteristicsofourparentsor
otherrelativestoourspousesorchildren.
Wemayseeourchildasbeingstubbornsimplybecausehehas
anosesimilar toUncleGeorgeandUncleGeorgewasstubborn.We
mayresentoneofourchildrenbecauseheorsheremindsusofanex-
spouse.
Wemayaccuseourspouseofbeingcontrolling,becauseoneof
ourparentswascontrolling.Wemayfeelabandonedbyourspouse,
becausewewereabandonedasachild.
It canbeextremelyhelpful to remove the “hats”wehaveon
familymembersthatdon’tbelongtothem.Wecreatetheopportunity
fornewbeginnings.
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“Allchildrenaregearedtowardexpression.Iftheyarenotexpressingthemselves,theyhavebeenstifledby
familyrules.”
Virginia believed that all families have unspoken rules that
childrenlearnabouthowtheyaretobe.Sheidentifiedfiverulesthat
she felt are common in families and especially destructive to our
children’sself-worth.
Thefiverulessheidentifiedare:
·“It’snotokaytoexpressmyself—tosaywhatIthinkandfeel.”
·“It’snotokaytoseeandhearwhatisreallygoingoninmyfamily.”
·“It’snotokaytofeelwhatIfeel.”
·“It’snotokaytoaskforwhatIwant.”
·“It’snotokaytotakerisks.”
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“Allchildrenknowwhatisgoingon,butdon’tnecessarilyhaveavoiceforit.”
Virginia once told a story of being called in by a hospital to
help treat a babywhowas vomiting uncontrollably. The physicians
could findnophysical reason for thevomiting.Virginiadetermined
thatthebabymusthavebeenpickinguptensionbetweentheparents.
She suggested that they hold the baby between them while she
workedontheirrelationship.Thebabystoppedvomiting.
Whenweasparentsassumethatourchildrenaretooyoungto
perceive our pain, wemay ignore physical or emotional signs that
theyarehurting.
Whenweasparentsunderstandthatourchildrenarecapable
of picking upwhat is happeningwith us,we can bemore alert for
signsthattheyareinpain.Wecanreassurethemthattheyarenotthe
reasonforourpain.Wecanreassurethemthatwewill takecareof
them,andthattheydonothavetotakecareofus.
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“Childrenarewillingtosacrificethemselvesfortheirparents,always.”
Virginiabelievedthatourmostbasicinstinctistosurvive.As
children, we equate our survival with the survival of our family
system. Because of this, we will do or be whatever we sense our
familyneeds,inordertoinsureitssurvival.Thismaynotbewhowe
reallyare.
Wemay:
·senseourmother’sneedforsupportandbecomehercounselor, even though we are not ready tohandleitemotionally;
·intuitthatthefamilyneedsgloryandbecomeanover-achiever, driven to achieve, but withoutsatisfaction;
· feel the need our brothers and sisters have fornurturance, andbecome their caretaker, eventhough we have not had that need met inourselves.
As we become aware of the ways in which we sacrificed
ourselvesforthesakeofthesystem,wecanbegintochange.Wecan
letgoofrolesoroldwaysofinteractingwhicharenolongerusefulto
us.
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“Thebeliefsthatmadeitpossibleforustolive—maykeepusfromliving.”
Virginiausedtheterms,“beliefs,”“familyrules”and“survival
messages” all interchangeably. She believed that as children we
behaveaccordingtoourfamily’srulesorbeliefs inordertosurvive.
Thesebeliefsshouldbeblessedforhelpingussurvive,butsomemay
behinderingusnow in termsofour ability to expressourselvesor
interacteffectivelyasadults.
Whenwefindourselves
·unabletofeelorunacceptingofourfeelings,
·reluctanttotakerisks,stuckinourfear,
·hesitanttoshareourthoughtsandfeelings,
·unawareofourwantsorfrightenedtoaskforthem,or
·denyingwhatisgoingonaroundus,
weareprobablycarryingbeliefsfromchildhood.
Whenwebecomeawareofourbeliefs,we candecidewhich
onesarekeepingus from livingmore fully.Wecanpracticebeinga
differentway,despiteabeliefthatsaysit’snotokay.Wecanreassure
ourselves that we are no longer children needing to follow a
particularruleinordertosurvive.
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“Allchildrenarefirst-born.Thereisthefirstsecondchild,thefirstthirdchild,andsoon.”
Virginia noticed that when we perceive ourselves as “the
secondchild,”wemayalsoperceiveourselvesassecondbest.
Shebelievedthatourworldiscreatedbyourperceptions,and
thatwecancreatenegativeperceptionswhenwe labelourchildren
accordingtotheorderoftheirbirth.
Whenwerefertoourchildbysuchlabelsas“mymiddleone,”
“daughternumberthree,”or“ourbaby,”wearecreatingaperception
forourselvesandourchildwhichisdepersonalizing.
When we as parents can recognize the uniqueness of each
child and relate to the child based on his or her personality rather
thanbirthorder,wehelptocreateasenseofworth.
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“Alittleprotectionneverhurtanyone.”
Virginia believed that childrenneed to be protected by their
parents.Theyneedprotectiontosurvive.Theyalsoneedprotectionin
ordertohaveasenseofpsychologicalsafety.Whenchildrenfeelsafe,
theyaremorelikelytohaveahighsenseofself-worth.
Whenweacquiescetoteachersattheexpenseofourchildren,
wearenotprotectingthem.Whenweacquiescetoourspouseatthe
expense of our children, we are not protecting them. When we
acquiesce to family or community pressure at the expense of our
children,wearenotprotectingthem.
When we can gather our courage and stand up for our
children,theywillbebenefited.
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“Wecanfullycontactonlyoneotherpersonatatime.”
When Virginia wanted to give her complete attention to
someone,shewouldsitorstandsquarelyinfrontoftheperson,often
holdingbothoftheperson’shands.Virginianotedthatwecannotbe
squarelyinfrontoftwopeopleatthesametime.
Asparents,wemayfindourselvesfeelingfrustratedintrying
togiveattentiontomorethanonechildatatime.Wemayalsofind
ourchildrenfeelingcheatedandactingdemanding.
Whenweunderstandtheprinciple thatwecanonlygiveour
fullattentiontooneotherpersonatatime,wemaytakemorecarein
thewaywepositionourselvestolistentoourchild.Wemayalsotake
timetoreassureourotherchildrenthattheywillbeattendedtolater.
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“Welearnedaschildrenthatweshouldlookupratherthanacross.”
Virginiabelievedthatahealthyrelationshipbetweenparents
and children means one in which the feelings and thoughts of the
children are considered to be just as important as those of the
parents.Sherecognizedthatchildrenneedlimitsandbelievedthese
canbesetwithoutthenegativeuseofauthority.
Whenourchildrenexperienceusascontrollingorthreatening,
they often growup to be adultswho are overly accommodating or
overlydefianttoauthorityfigures.
When our children experience us as respectful of their
thoughtsandfeelings,theyaremorelikelytobecomeadultswhoare
ateasewithpeopleinpositionsofauthority.
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“Childrenseeonlypartsoftheirparents.”
Virginia developed a therapeutic intervention called “family
reconstruction.” This is a process where a group will re-enact
segmentsofaperson’sfamilyhistory,suchasthechildhoodsoftheir
parents, and their parents’ courtship. One of the purposes of the
interventionistohelppeopleseetheirparentsmorefully, togaina
greaterunderstandingofthem.
When we view our parents solely from the view we had of
themaschildren,wetendtobemoreblaming.Weoftenlackempathy
fortheirdeficits.Wemayseethemintermsofblackorwhite,leaving
noroomforgray.
When we as adults can look at the lives of our parents as
havingbeenchildrenandyounglovers,weoftenseetheminamuch
different light. We may be able to appreciate their strengths more
easilyandhaveagreaterunderstandingoftheirweaknesses.
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“Weneedtoappreciatethefive-year-oldwithineachofus.”
Virginiarecognizedthatasadultswestillcarrywithusmany
ofthebeliefs, feelingsandunmetyearningsfromourchildhood.She
felt that if we can realize this, we can bemore understanding and
acceptingofourselves.Wecanalsobemorenurturingtoourselves.
Weareappreciatingthechildwithinuswhenweare
·comfortingourselveswhenwearefrightenedorhurt;
·askingforhelpwhenweneedit;
·acknowledgingourfearofbeingvulnerable;
·allowingtimeforplay;and
·talkingkindlytoourselveswhenwemakemistakes.
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“Thereisadifferencebetweenthepainofblameandthepainofrecognition.”
Virginiabelievedthatwecanbecomestuckandnotgrowifwe
areblamingourparentsforthewaytheyraisedus.Shebelievedthat
forgrowthweneedtobeabletorecognizeourpain,feelit,andthen
lookforwaystomakethingsdifferentforourselves.
Wearestuckinthepainofblamewhen
· we bring up the same complaint about our parentsoverandover;
·wekeephopingtheywillchange;
·weresistchangingourattitudetowardthem.
Weareinthepainofrecognitionwhen
·weseethelimitationsofourparents;
·wefeeltheimpactoftheirlimitations;
· we know that the only person we can change isourselves.
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“Aspermandanegggottogethertocreateus,soweallstartedoutaspartofatriangle
Virginiabelievedthat theconceptof triangles ina family isa
very importantone.Whenthe firstchild isborn, the first triangle is
created.Witheachadditionalchild,thenumberoftrianglesincreases
geometrically.
Virginiataughtthatweneedtounderstandthecomplexitythat
isaddedwitheachchildintermsofthenumberoftriangles.Shealso
believed that triangles can contribute to the strength of a pair, but
most of us see a thirdperson as taking away fromapair.Wehave
believedtheoldadagethat“twoiscompanyandthreeisacrowd.”
Virginia viewed triangles as offering greater stability than is
possible with a pair, just as a tripod provides more stability than
something that is two-legged. She also saw triangles as offering
greaterpossibilitiesfornurturanceandfeedbackthanispossiblewith
justapair.
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“Trianglesconsistatanyonetimeofanactivator,aresponder,andanobserver.”
Virginiaidentifiedtheactivatorastheonewhoisspeaking,the
responderastheonelisteningtothespeaker,andtheobserverasthe
one who is taking in the interaction of the activator and the
responder.
Virginiasawtrianglesasprovidingthepossibilityfortherole
ofobserver,andsheconsideredthatagreataddition.Theinteracting
pairhassomeonewhocangivethemfeedbackabouttheirinteraction.
She used this concept a lot in her work, asking one member of a
familytogiveobservationsofhowtwootherswereinteracting.
Wecanusethisconceptaswell.Whenweareinconflictwith
someone,wecanaskanobserving thirdperson togiveus feedback
aboutourinteraction.
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“Weareallmadeofparts,onlyoneofwhichisforegroundatatime.”
Virginia saw us as having many different parts to our
personality.Shebelievedthatweneedallofourpartsinsomeform.
Shebelieved that themoreweknow, accept, andmanageall of our
parts,themorewholewewillbe.
Someofourpartsare:
ourpowerfulpart
.... ourvulnerablepart
ourintelligentpart
.... ourstupidpart
ourhelpfulpart .... ourselfishpart
oursexypart .... ourprudishpart
ournurturingpart
.... ourcriticalpart
ourhonestpart .... ourdishonestpart
ourlovingpart .... ourcruelpart
When we interact, sometimes our parts clash. For example,
whenoneofushasoursexypartout,theother’sprudishpartmaybe
out. Orwhen one of us has our vulnerable part out, the othermay
havethecriticalpartout.
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Aswe can allowmore of our parts to surface, wewill have
moreawarenessandcontrolofthem.Wewillalsohavemoreenergy
andresourcesatourdisposal.
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“Theworldisafamilyofnations.”
Virginia traveled around the world demonstrating family
therapy. As she did, she began to see similarities between the
problemsoffamiliesandtheproblemsofnations.Theseare:
·theconcentrationofpowerinonepersonorrole
·thepressureforconformityandobedience,
·theuseofblame,and
·theuseofthreat,forceandviolence.
WiththisrealizationVirginiafelthopeful,becauseshebelieved
wecancreategreaterpeacebetweenourfamilyofnationsjustaswe
dowithfamilies,bylearningto
·communicatehonestlyandclearly,
·cooperateratherthancompete,
·empowerratherthansubjugate,
·enhanceindividualuniquenessratherthancategorize,
·useauthoritytoguideandaccomplish,ratherthanforgainingcompliance,
·love,value,andrespecteachother,
·beresponsibletoeachother,and
·useourproblemsaschallengesandopportunitiesforcreativesolutions.
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II—Self-Worth
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“Self-worthisthecrucialfactorintermsofwhathappensinsideandbetweenpeople.”
Virginiabelievedthatthelevelofourself-worthisthekeyto
howwefeelandhowwebehave.Shewastrained inpsychoanalytic
theory,whichworksonthepremisethatthekeydeterminantsofour
behaviorareoursexualandaggressivedrives.However,afteryearsof
experience in treating people with emotional and behavioral
problems, Virginia concluded that self-worth is even more of a
determinant.
Shenoted thatwhenweareexperiencing lowself-worth,we
are more likely to behave in destructive ways—either toward
ourselvesortowardothers.Wemayholdontonegativebeliefsabout
ourselves, creating the possibility of depression, anxiety, or
defensiveness.Weoftengetinvolvedinhurtfulrelationships.Weare
morelikelytobeaddictedtoharmfulsubstancesorharmfulactivities.
On the other hand, Virginia noted that when we are
experiencinghighself-worthwebehaveinmoremature,productive
andlovingways.Wecanseeourselvesasworthwhileevenwhenwe
makemistakes.Wecantakerisks.Weareabletochooseandmaintain
supportive relationships. We have creative energy and a desire to
contributetosociety.
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“Weallhaveresourcesinsidewhichcanbetapped.”
Virginia believed that one of themanyways to increase our
level of self-worth is to usemore fully the inner resources thatwe
havebeengiven.
She identified our inner resources as such things as our
abilities
toexplore,
imagine,
feel,
see,
hear,
express,
ask,
act,
andchoose.
Virginia also believed that courage and wisdom are inner
resourceswhichcanbetapped.
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“Weallhavetheabilitytochoose.”
TheabilitytochoosewasaresourcethatVirginiacontinually
emphasized.Herbeliefwasthat themoreweexerciseourability to
choose, themore empoweredwewill feel. And vice versa, that the
more empowered we feel, the more we will see the many choices
availabletous.
Whenwearenotfeelinggoodaboutourselves,wetendtosee
ourselvesasprisonersof lifewith fewchoices.We feel trappedand
helpless, believing thatwe are stuckwithwhomwe are,wherewe
are, or what we have. And we are more likely to see problems as
havingalimitednumberofsolutions.
Whenwearefeelingbetteraboutourselves,wecanseemore
solutions,morechoices.Wearemoreopentonewwaysof thinking
andbeing.
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“Highself-worthmeansbeingabletorespondtopeoplebutnotbedefinedbythem.”
ForVirginia,themoreweareabletofeelgoodaboutwhowe
are,themoreweareabletomakedecisionsbaseduponwhatseems
rightforus.Weareabletoheartheopinionsofothers,butwearenot
boundbythem.
Conversely,themoreweareabletodecideandactuponwhat
seemsrightforus,thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.
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“Peopleareunique,andthereforeimpossibletocompare.”
Manyofushavebeengiventhemessagethat“tobedifferentis
bad,”thatitisnotokaytobedifferentfromothers.Wehavebelieved
it. Virginia saw this message as being very destructive to our self-
worth.
To her, themiracle of life is that no two of us on earth are
exactlyalike,thatweareeachunique.Itisimpossible,therefore,for
ustocompareourselves.
We can, however, celebrate our unique contributions to the
world.
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“Rejectionisanissueofself-worth.”
ForVirginia,itisamatteroflowself-worthwhenweperceive
ourselvesasbeingrejected.
She believed that when we are not feeling good about
ourselves,wearemorelikelytoseeexclusionasamatterofrejection.
Ifwearenotinvitedorincluded,wetendtothinkthereissomething
wrongwithus.
Whenwearefeelingworthwhile,wearecomfortablewiththe
factthatsometimeswefitinwithaparticulargrouporsituationand
sometimes we don’t. We understand that it is a matter of fit, not
worth.
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“Peopletendtorespondtoothersastheythinkofthemselves.”
Itwas Virginia’s belief that thewaywe act toward others is
directly related to our feelings about ourselves, our level of self-
worth.
When we do not feel good about who we are, we are more
likely to see others negatively and to be critical andunaccepting of
them.
Asweareabletothinkmorepositivelyofourselves,however,
wearemoreabletobeacceptingofothers.Aswecanacceptourown
mistakes,wecanmoreeasilyacceptthoseofothers.
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“Theproblemisnevertheproblem.Itisourcopingwiththeproblemthatistheproblem
It was Virginia’s philosophy that there will always be
problems,thattheyarepartof life.Toher, thecritical issue iswhat
kindofcopingskillswehavefordealingwithourproblems.
Virginiabelievedthatthegreaterourself-worth,thebetterour
copingwill be.Correspondingly, themore coping skillswedevelop,
thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.
ForVirginia,copingmeant
· being able to communicate clearly, directly andspecifically;
· being able to communicate feelings honestly andrespectfully;
· being able to use our inner resources such as ourcreativity;
·beingabletobeopentonewlearning;
·beingabletoseechangeasanopportunity;
·beingwillingtomakechangesandtakerisks.
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“Thereisayearningbehindeverydefensivestance.”
Virginiabelievedthatwhenwehave lowself-worth,wehave
deepunmetyearningsaswellasbeliefsthatwearenotokay—that
wearecoveringbydefensiveness.
Theseyearningsmaybetobe
·wanted,
·loved,
·recognized,
·nurtured,
·approvedof,
·accepted.
If we can become aware of our defensiveness, we can also
becomeawareofouryearningsbehindthedefensiveness.Whatisit
thatwearereallylongingfor?
Weoftenstillholdtheimpossibledreamthatwearegoingto
getthatneedmetbyourparent.Weneedtoletourselvesfeelthepain
ofthe lossthat thatwillneverhappen.Wecanthenmoveontothe
workoflettinggoofthathopeandlookingformorerealisticwaysof
gettingourneedsmet.
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“Self-worthisbehindeverydefensivestancewaitingtobereborn.”
Virginiabelievedthatthewaytohelppeoplebelessdefensive
istohelpthemraisetheirlevelofself-worth.
Sheidentifiedfourcommonwaysthatwegetdefensive.
Theseare:
· placating, when we are overly accommodating andpleasing;
·blaming,whenwearequicktoaccusesomeoneelseofbeingatfault;
·intellectualizing,whenwegetsuper-reasonable;and
·distracting,whenwetrytodivertthefocus.
ForVirginia,underlyingeachofthesedefenseswasthesame
belief—thatwearenotokay.
Shebelievedthatthemorewecanfeelokayaboutourselves,
the less we need to be defensive. Conversely, the less we are
defensive,thebetterwewillfeelaboutourselves.
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III—Communication
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“Communicationistorelationshipswhatbreathistolife.”
For Virginia, effective communication is vital to a healthy
relationship.
Whenwearenotcommunicatingwitheachothereffectively,
we often make incorrect assumptions about what the other is
thinkingandfeeling.Wemaywithholdourtruethoughtsandfeelings
or be unclear about them.Weoftendon’t feel heard or understood
andconcludethatwearenot loved.Wemaybecomedepressedand
looktoothersoutsidetherelationshiptomeetourneeds.
Whenwearecommunicatingmoreeffectively,weareableto
shareourthoughtsandfeelingsandtoexamineourunderstandingof
theotherperson.Weareopentolearning.
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“Congruenceisthemarkofhealthycommunication.”
To Virginia, “congruence” meant having our behavior match
ourfeelings.Inotherwords,thatweareabletobehonestaboutwhat
we feel. It alsomeans having a high level of regard for others and
ourselves.
Virginiapointedoutthatsometimesweshowlittleregardfor
others by using a blaming style of communication. Other timeswe
showlittleregardforourselvesbystuffingourownfeelingsandbeing
overlyaccommodatinginordernotto“makewaves.”
Whenweareable tobe congruent,weare able to shareour
feelings,needs,andwants.Wearealsoable to listenrespectfully to
thefeelings,needs,andwantsofothers.
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“Thegreatestgiftonecangiveanotheristosee,hear,understandandtouchthem.”
Virginiadevelopedaposterwiththeabovesayingonitwhich
has been distributed throughout the world. On the poster is a
beautifulpictureofahummingbirdmakingcontactwithaflower.To
Virginia,thewaywecanmakecontactwitheachotheristolistenand
observe for understanding. We also can make contact by touching
eachotherinnurturingways.
Whenwe don’t feel listened to or understood, we often feel
cheated.Wemayresorttoblaming,withdrawing,oreven“actingup”
insomewayinordertogetsomekindofattention.
Asweworktowardreallylistening,seeing,andunderstanding
each other, we will feel a greater sense of satisfaction in our
relationships.Wemayalsofeelagrowingdesiretobemoregivingto
eachother.
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“Whateveryouperceiveiswhatyoubelieve.Yourworldistheoutcomeofwhatyouperceive.”
WhenVirginialistenedtopeoplecommunicate,oneofthekey
elementsshelistenedforwastheirperception.
She believed that our perceptions—that is,whatwe see and
hear,andthemeaningwegivetowhatweseeandhear—createour
feelingsandoftenthewayweexperiencelife.
She taught that the meaning we give to our perceptions is
basedonourinnerbeliefsaboutthewaythingsare.Ourinnerbeliefs,
however, evolved out of our unique and limited experience of the
worldasachild.Althoughthesebeliefswerethebestconclusionswe
couldcometoatthetime,theymaynotreallyholdtruenow.
In order to be effective in interpersonal communication, we
needtoacknowledgethatourperceptionisnotreality,butsimplyour
viewbasedonourbeliefs.Withthatacknowledgment,wecanbegin
tobecomeawareofourbeliefsandexaminetheirvalidity.Wecanask
othersiftheyseetheworldaswedo.Wecanopenourselvestonew
waysofthinking.
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“Communicationiswithyourselfaswellaswithothers.”
Virginiabelieved that thewaywe talk toourselves is just as
importantasthewaywetalkwithothers.
We often talk to ourselves in very unkind ways. We label
ourselvesnegatively,callingourselvesnameslike“stupid”or“idiot.”
Wecompareourselvestoothersandtellourselvesthatwearenotas
goodassomeoneelse.Wearecriticalofourselves, tellingourselves
we“should”bedifferentthanweare.
Virginia believed that we can change this, and that it is
extremelyimportantforourself-worththatwedochangeit.Wecan
talk to ourselves regularly, telling ourselves that we are valuable,
worthwhile, andunique.We can accept our feelings as not right or
wrong, but simply our feelings. And we can forgive ourselves
regardingourmistakes.
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“Meetingisthebeginningofarelationship.”
Virginiatookgreatcareinthewayshegreetedpeople.Shesaw
eachnewmeetingastheopportunitytobringthegiftofanewperson
intoherlife.
Whenweviewtheprocessofmeetingasinsignificant,weare
morelikelytotreatitlightly.Wemayevenseeitassomethingto“get
through,”andfeelrelievedwhenit’sover.
Whenweviewmeetingasthebeginningofarelationship,we
aremore likelytotaketimetoreachoutandtrulyseeandhearthe
other.Wegiveourselvesthepossibilityofaddinganewmeaningful
relationshiptoourlives.
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“Contactcannotbemadefromadefensivestance.”
“Contact” was Virginia’s word for connection. To her, it is
impossible forus tobe fully connectedwith someonewhenweare
defensive. She believed that when we are defensive, our energy is
goingintoprotectingourselvesandnotintoconnectingwithanother.
When we can be open to each other—sharing and listening
from a place of caring and honesty—we are more likely to feel
connected.Wefeelrespectedandequal.Wefeelvalidatedasseparate
individualsandatthesametimeconnectedinourhumanness.
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“Intimacyisyourwillingnesstoshareyourtruth—withrelevance,appropriateness,andtiming.”
Virginiabelievedthatintimacymeanstakingtheriskofbeing
honestandvulnerablewithapartner.Italsomeanschoosingthetime
and the topic for sharing, basedon a consideration of the partner’s
energylevelandcapacitytohandlewhatwehavetosay.
Whenwe disregard our partner’s needs and sharewhat we
want,whenwewant,wemayhurttherelationship.
Whenwe takeourpartner’sneeds intoaccount,we increase
ourchancesofhavingasatisfyingconversationandachievinggreater
closeness.
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“Touchingisauniversallanguage.”
Virginia believed that, nomatterwhat their verbal language,
all people can understand the language of touch. She also believed
thatweallneedtouch.Infact,itwashercontentionthattouchisone
of the great unmet needs of most people. Because of this, Virginia
touched people a great deal. And she did it in a very caring, loving
manner.
Sheusedtosaythatwecantouchwithoureyes,ourvoice,and
ourbodies.
If we have grown up in families where there wasn’t much
touching, we may feel uncomfortable with it. But our
uncomfortablenessdoesnotmeanthatwedon’thaveayearningfor
touch. Unfortunately, there is often a negative correlation between
ourageandtheamountoftouchwereceive.
Ifwechoose,wecanpracticegettingcomfortablewithtouch.
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“Everyonehasaninvisibleskinabout18inchesoutfromthebody.Insidethisiseachperson’spersonalspace.”
AlthoughVirginiawasfamousforhertouch,shealsowasvery
respectfulandawareoftheneedpeoplehaveforspace.Sheobserved
carefully to see what amount of closeness was acceptable for each
individual.
Ifwearenotawareofthebodylanguageofothersinrelation
to our closeness, wemay cause them to feel uncomfortable—even
violated.
Whenwearerespectfuloftheneedsofothersregardingspace,
wearemore likely tocreatea feelingofcomfortbetweenourselves
andthem.
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“Whenyoumeetrigidity,that’sparforthecourse.Thekeyis:tonotbecomemorerigidyourself.”
Virginiasawrigidityasanaturaldefenseweusewhenwefeel
threatened.Shebelievedthatthewaytoavertfurtherdefensiveness
istolessenthethreat.
WhenVirginiawastreatingsomeoneandtheywereprotecting
themselvesbybeing rigid andunbending, shewouldbecomesofter
and more nurturing. She tried not to get hooked into a power
struggle.
When we find ourselves being rigid, we can take a look at
ourselvesandtrytofigureoutwhywearefeelingthreatened.
Ifweareconfrontedwithsomeoneelse’srigidity,wecanhelp
ourselvesbyunderstandingthatitisaprotectivemechanism.Wecan
stopourselvesfromescalatingtheinteractionintoabattleforcontrol.
Wecanworkonincreasingourflexibility.
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“Inoursociety,judgingusuallycomesbeforeobserving.”
Virginia believed thatmost of us jump to conclusions about
others much too quickly. Virginia was deaf from the age of five to
seven,andduringthistimeshebecameveryastuteatobserving.She
invited people to increase their own observing skills and decrease
theirjudgments.
When we are quick to judge, we often do not see the full
picture or we distort the picture. We attribute meaning to the
appearances or behavior of others that is based on our own
experience,ratherthanreality.
Whenweareabletoobservewithoutjudgment,weoftenfind
thatourassumptionswerenotcorrect.
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IV—Feelings
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“Feelingsgiveusourjuice!”
Virginia believed that having access to our feelings is what
givesusourenergyandouraliveness.
When we are cut off from our feelings, we may feel numb,
lethargic,anduninspired.Depressionandanxietymaysetin.Wecan
evendevelopillnessesbecauseourfeelingsarestuckinourbodies.
Wefindourrelationshipsunsatisfyingwhenwecan’trelateto
thefeelingsofothers.
Virginiahelpedpeoplegetintouchwiththeirfeelingssimply
byaskingthemfrequentlyhowtheywerefeeling.Herbeliefwasthat
we can learn to be in touch with our feelings by increasing our
awarenessofthem.
Whenwecandevelopourcapacitytofeel,wegainasenseof
relief,freedom,andenergy.Wealsoincreaseourabilitytoempathize
withothers,whichisaveryimportantaspectofbeinganemotionally
healthyindividual.
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“Whenthoughtenhancesfeelingandfeelingenhancesthought—thenwehavewholeness.”
ToVirginia,weneedtobeabletouseourcapacitytofeeland
ourcapacitytothinkinordertobefullyhuman.
Whenweareover-developedinourabilitytothinkandcutoff
fromourfeelings,wearemorelimitedinourabilitytoexperiencethe
many facets of life.We tend to only see and trust facts.We tend to
undervalue relationships. Our spiritual needsmay get neglected as
well.
Whenweareover-developedinourabilitytofeelandcutoff
from our ability to think,we often act impulsively.We can become
overwhelmedandimmobilizedwithourfeelings.Wemaytendtosee
ourselvesashelplessandneedy.
Whenwearemoreinbalance,ourfeelingsgiveusenergyand
ourmindsgiveus theability tochannel thatenergy intoproductive
waysofbeing.
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“Feelingswehaveinthepresentareoftengeneratedbythoughtsfromthepast.”
AsVirginia saw it,we often have feelings based onprevious
experienceswhileattributingthemtopresentones.
Whenwe are upsetwith someone in the present sometimes
wearereallyreactingtoareminderfromourpast.Wemayseeour
spouseascontrollingbecausewehadacontrollingparent.Wemaybe
intimidated by our boss because as children we learned to be
frightenedofauthority figures.Wemaybe impatientwithourchild
becauseheremindsusofourselfasachild.
Whenwecandevelopmoreawarenessaboutourselves,weare
moreable tokeepclearaboutwhatbelongs towhom.Wearemore
able torelate topeople forwhotheyare, rather thanwhowethink
theyare.
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“Feelingsaremerelybarometers.Theydonotdictateourbehavior.”
It was Virginia’s contention that we have grown more and
moretobelievethatwemustactonwhateverwefeel.Shedisagreed
withthiswayofthinking,invitingustoacknowledgeourfeelingsand
thendecideifwewishtoactonthemornot.
Whenwe feel at themercy of our feelings, we usually don’t
trust ourselves.We feel a sense of inadequacy.We also tend to be
morejudgmentalofourselves,believingthatwearewrongforwhat
wearefeeling.
Aswegetmoreinchargeofourfeelings,wecanfeelmoreself-
assuranceandself-acceptance.
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“Fearconstrictsandblindsus.”
Virginia observed that when we are frightened we are less
flexibleandlessabletoseewhatishappeningaroundus.Wearealso
oftenunabletoseethatwehavechoices.
Whenwecanacknowledgeandacceptourfears,wearemore
able to seenewpossibilities.Wearealsomore free to acton those
possibilities.
Virginiaoftenhandedpeopleanimaginary“couragestick,”as
shecalledit;thatwastobearemindertothemoftheirinnercourage.
Shewouldsuggestthatthisimaginarystickwasavailabletothemat
anytimethattheyneededto“leadwiththeircourageandleavetheir
fearbehind.”
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“Foreveryfeelingwehave,wewillhaveabodyresponse.”
While working at the Mental Research Institute, Virginia
workedcloselywithphysicianstryingtounderstandtherelationship
ofillnesstofeelings.Itwasherconclusionthatthereisaverystrong
relationshipbetweenfeelingsandillness.
She believed that when we hold on to our feelings, we are
increasingourchancesofillness.Wemayholdontooursadnessby
notallowingourselvestogrievealoss.Wemayholdontoouranger
byblamingothers.Wemayholdontoourfearbynotsharingitwith
someone.
When we are able to let go of our feelings, we cleanse our
body.
Letting go of feelings can be accomplished by first
acknowledgingandthenacceptingthem.Oncewehavedonethis,we
can choose howwewant to let go.We can express our feelings, or
simplymakethedecisiontoletgoofthem.
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“Theeventisnotwhatwehavetodealwith—itisthefeelingsgeneratedabouttheevent.”
Virginiabelievedthatour feelingsarecreatedbythewaywe
interpret words and behaviors, not the words and behaviors
themselves.
Shebelievedthistobeaveryimportantconceptfromthepoint
ofviewofpersonalempowermentaswellaseffective interpersonal
communication.
Whenwe do not understand this, we often accuse others of
making us have certain bad feelings. We may say, “You made me
angry,”or“Youhurtmyfeelings.”Wecanfeelatthemercyofothers.
Wecanalsoputthemonthedefensivebyourattackingwords.
Shehoped thatwe could come to understand thatwe are in
chargeofourfeelingsbecauseweareinchargeofourownthoughts
andinterpretations.
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“Angerisoftenadefensivefeeling.Therearesofterfeelingsunderneathwhichneedtobedealtwith.”
Virginiasawusashavingfeelingssuchasdisappointmentand
hurtbeneathourprotectiveanger.
Whenwearefeelingangry,wemaythinkthismeansthatwe
are in touch with our feelings, but often there are other more
vulnerablefeelingsunderneathwithwhichwearenotintouch.
Whenwe are able to connect with the feelings beneath our
anger,weoftencangetcleareraboutthesourceofourpain.Wecan
moreeasilydetermineourneedsandworktogetthemmet.Wecan
communicatelessdefensivelywithothers.
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”Wehavefeelingsaboutfeelings.”
OneofVirginia’scontributionstotheprocessofhelpingpeople
was to explore feelings about feelings. She discovered that it was
often at this level thatwe get stuck.We carry judgments about the
feelingsweareexperiencing,andthese judgmentsget in thewayof
theirexpressionorrelease.
Wemaycarryamessageinsidethatsaysit’snotokaytofeelat
all.Orwemayhave judgmentsaboutcertain feelings.Whenwefeel
afraidwemaybelieve that it’snotokay tobeafraid, and soweget
embarrassedaboutbeingafraid.Whenwefeelangrywemaybelieve
thatit’snotokaytobeangryandsowefeelguilty.
When we become more aware of our judgments about our
feelings,wecanworktowardgreateracceptanceofthem.Andaswe
are more accepting of our feelings, we will have greater energy
availabletous.
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Allpeoplehavethesamefeelingswhethertheyaretwoorninety-two.”
Virginiabelievedthatweoftenseechildrenandtheelderlyas
somehownotfeelingasmuchaswedo,soweminimizetheirneeds.
When we see children as not feeling as much, we often
discount the level of their loss, rage, or fear. This is not only
depersonalizing,butalsoverydangerousbecauseitcanleadtoabuse.
The same is true for the elderly.When we see them as not
havingthesamekindoffeelingsasourselves,wetendtotreatthem
with less compassionandunderstanding.We tend todiscount their
needsandtheirindividuality.
We need to understand that we all have the same feelings
regardlessofourage.
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V—Change
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“Peoplearecapableofchange.”
Virginia saw growth and change as the natural order of the
universe.Shebelievedthatwecanlearnnewwaysofbeingnomatter
whatourage.
Whenweresistchange,it’softenbecausewedon’thavehope
that things can be better for us. Virginia always had hope and
promoted hope because she knew people are capable of positive
changes.Shealsoknewthatweneedtheenergyfromhopeinorderto
change.
Overtheyearsofobservingchangeinpeopleshesawthatwe
gothroughuniveralstages.
First—wehaveanawarenessthatweneedtochangebutwedon’tchange.
Second—somethinginterruptsourusualwayofbeingsuchasadivorce,ourchildgetsintotrouble,orweloseourjob.
Third—we feel in chaos, distressed and anxious. We areofteninagreatdealofpainandfeeloutofcontrol.Wecangooneof twoways.We can choose to stayasweareandblamesomeoneelseforourpain,orwecanchoosetolookatourselvesandmakesomechanges.
Fourth—ifwedochoosetochange,wecometoanewlevelofunderstandingandintegration.
Fifth—we must practice the new changes to make them
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ours.
Onceweunderstandthesestages,wearemorelikelytobeable
to recognizewhenourpain is really “the stage of chaos.”With this
recognitionwe can feelmore in control, andknow thatweareat a
choicepointintheprocessofchange.
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“Thereismorepulltowardthefamiliarthantheunfamiliar.”
Virginiaknewthatpeoplearecapableofchange.Shealsoknew
thatwearedrawntostaywiththatwhichweknow,nomatterhow
miserableweare,simplybecauseitisfamiliartous.Weareafraidto
change—togooutoftheknownandintotheunknown.
Wemaycontinuetoplacateeventhoughweknowit’scausing
usphysicalproblems,becausewefeartheconsequencesofstanding
upforourselves.Wemaycontinuetobecontrollingbecausewehave
anundefinedfearofnotbeingincontrol.Wedon’tknowwhatwould
happenandthatisterrifying.
Wemaystayinhurtfulrelationships—evenenduringphysical
cruelty—becauseat least it is familiar,wehavealreadyexperienced
it.Wedon’t knowwhatwemight have to experience ifwewere to
leavetherelationshipandgooutonourown.
When we can understand our natural pull to stay in the
familiar,wecanacknowledgeitandthen,ifwechoose,wecangather
ourcourageandmoveintotheunfamiliar.
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“Theonlyrealcertaintyinlifeischange.”
ToVirginia,theacceptanceanduseofchangeforgrowthwas
theemotionallyhealthyapproach.Shevieweditasunhealthytotryto
getsecurityandcertaintybyresistingnaturalchanges.
Whensheworkedwithparents,shelookedtoseeiftheywere
“up to date” and adjusting their expectations for the ages of their
children.
We can choose to resist change or acknowledge it and even
lookforwardtoit.Thisisnottosaythatweshouldn’tallowourselves
tofeelthelossesthatgoalongwithchanges.Butitmeanswecansee
changeasthewayofnature,andtheopportunityforgreaterwisdom
andactualizationonourpart.
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“Itisnormaltoseebarriersalongwithwishes.Theproblemiswhenyouseethebarriersaspermanent.”
Inherlateryears,Virginia’sfocuswasinternationalpeace.All
ofhermajorworkshopsendedonthetopicofpeace.Sheworkedto
inspire people from all around theworld towork toward peace as
well.
In keeping with her belief that we needn’t see barriers as
permanent, she had been a pioneer in working behind the Iron
Curtain,inEasternEurope,andtheSovietUnion.
Unfortunately, Virginia did not live to see her wish for the
Berlinwalltocomedownbecomereality.
Shebelievedthatpeoplearecapableofgettingridofbarriers
andshewasright!
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“Takeadirectionandseeifitfits.Beawarethatyourlegscangoforward,sideways,andbackward.”
Virginiabelievedwealwayshavechoices.
Oftentimeswegetdepressedbecauseweseeourselveslocked
intothinkingthatifwemakeachangeanditisn’ttherightoneforus,
wearestuckwithit.
Virginia’smetaphorwasherwayofsayingthatwecanchange
ourminds.Wecanexperimentwithachangeand if it isn’tworking
for us, we can go back to our old way or we may discover other
possibilitiesoncewe’vemadethefirstchange.
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“Wecan’tseeourownbacksides.”
ForVirginia,helpingpeoplebecomeawareofthemselvesisthe
firststepineffectingchange.Shebelievedthatweallhaveblindspots
regardingourownbehavior.Wecan,however,learnaboutourselves
fromothers.
Whentreatingafamily,Virginiaoftenwouldsaythatshehad
noticed something about what was going on, and ask if they were
interestedinherobservations.Inthisway,shehelpedthemseetheir
backsides.
Virginiawas famous for letting people see her backside. She
worked with families in front of professional audiences and then
askedforfeedbackaboutherwork.
We can be helped to see our own backsides by asking our
friends, children, partners, bosses, or co-workers how they see us
interactingwithothers.
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“Awarenessreleasesenergythathasbeenboundupinburiedfeelings.”
Virginiawouldsaythattryingtokeepfeelingsburiedwaslike
trying to keephungrydogs down in the basement. The longer they
are in the basement, the hungrier they get, and themore energy it
takestokeepthedoorshut!
She believed that it was an important part of her role as a
therapisttohelppeoplefreetheenergythatwasbeingusedtohold
downfeelings.
Shethereforefocusedonhelpingpeoplebecomeawareoftheir
feelings. She did this ismanyways: Encouraging people to breathe
deeply as theywere having a feeling in order to feel itmore fully.
Encouragingpeopletoclosetheireyesandconnectwiththeirimages
as they talked about a significant event in their lives. Encouraging
people tonotice the sensations in theirbodies as they talkedabout
somethingimportanttothem.
Whenwecanfeelourburiedfeelingsinwhateverwaywefind
worksforus,wewillfeelreleasedandenergized.
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“Youdon’thavetocompletelyletgoofonethingtogainsomethingnew.Wecanaddratherthandiscard.”
Virginiabelievedinwhatshecalledthe“principleofaddition”
rather than “subtraction”when it came to trying toeffect change in
behavior.Toher,thismeantfocusingonaddingnew,moreeffective
behaviorsratherthantryingtoeliminateineffectiveones.
She did not believe in trying to eliminate behaviors because
she noted how it often did not work. She concluded that whenwe
focus on eliminating ineffective behaviors, we set up an internal
conflictandresistanceforourselves.Onepartofustellsourselveswe
need to stop doing the unwanted behavior, while another part
becomesrebelliousandwantstodoitevenmore.
When we simply focus on adding new, more effective
behaviors,we don’t create resistance for ourselves—so changing is
easier.
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“Howwegottobeacertainwayisimportantforourunderstanding,butitdoesn’tfixus.”
Virginia believed that in order to effect change, we need to
practice newways of thinking and behaving in addition to gaining
newawarenessaboutourselves.Thisdiffers fromtheviewof some
therapists,whobelievethatwecanchangesimplybybecomingaware
ofineffectivebehaviors.
Virginia would help people gain new awareness and then
provideopportunitiesforthemtopracticenewwaysofbehaving.She
might coach them on how they could be more direct and
straightforward, if their tendencywas topleaseothersat theirown
expense.Shemighthelpapersonpracticespeakingforhimself,ifhe
hadatendencytospeakforothers.Shemighthelpapersonlearnhow
to express the softer feelings underneath his anger, if his tendency
wastoblameothers.
Whenwediscoversomethingwewould like tochangeabout
ourselves,wecanpractice.Wewillslipandwewillbeawkward,but
that’s normal. Oftentimes we give up when it comes to changing
ourselves, becausewe expect to change instantly andperfectly. But
thatisnotthewaywehumansoperate—weneedtimetopractice.
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“Healingoccurswhenyoucanexpresswhatyouknewallthetimebutdidn’thavethewordsfor,orcouldn’t
express.”
Virginia believed that when we experience traumas in our
lives,weneedtobeabletoexpressourfeelingsandthoughtsabout
them.Itisthroughthisexpressionthatweobtainreleaseandhealing.
Virginiaworked tohelpedpeopleheal frompast traumasby
encouraging them to reconnect with their images and memories
regarding the traumas. She would then explore their feelings—
helping the people get in touch with their feelings and talk about
them.
Virginiabelievedthatforrealchangetotakeplace,weneedto
beabletobeintouchwithourfeelingsaswellasourthoughts.It is
not enough to gain an understanding of what happened to us. We
needtofeelitandtalkaboutit.
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“Whenwehavenewinformation,wehavenewpossibilities.”
Virginia believed that when we have access to information
abouttheunversalprinciplesofhumaninteraction,we increaseour
abilitytolivemoreeffectively.
She saw a major part of her role as a therapist as that of
conveyinginformation.Shedidnotgiveadvicebutrathersharedher
observationsandunderstandingofhumaninteraction.
She believed thatwhenwehave been given information,we
havemorechoicesforhowwewanttobehaveandliveourlives.
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“Riskisapartoflife.Itrejuvenatesus.”
Virginia identified the attitude we were taught toward risk-
taking as one of the most critical in terms of our self-worth. She
believedthatwhenwecantakerisks,wefeelbetteraboutourselves.
Similarly,whenwedon’ttakerisks,weloserespectforourselves.
Virginia modeled risk-taking. When she began doing family
therapy, it was not an acceptedmethod of treatment. She not only
took the risk to do family therapy, but she also took the risk to
practice it on stage while skeptical professionals watched and
critiquedher.
When we can tell ourselves that our success or failure at
somethingnewisnotrelatedtoourbasicworthasahumanbeing,we
aremoreable to takerisks.Themorerisksweareable to take, the
easieritistofeelgoodaboutourselves.
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“Transformationhasoccurredwhenapersongoesfromsaying‘Iwanttobeloved’to‘Iamloved—byme’.”
Virginiasawusashavingshiftedtoaplaceofhighself-worth
whenwecanlooktoourselves,ratherthanothers,forvalidationand
love.
Shebelievedthatoncethischangehastakenplace,wearefree
to
·chooselovingrelationships,
·takestandsforwhatwebelievetoberight,and
·focusourenergyonproductiveandcreativeactivities.
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AbouttheAuthor
Sharon Loeschen is a licensed clinical socialworker, teacher
and author. She studied with Virginia Satir and has written two
additional books on her work, The Satir Process and Systematic
TrainingintheSkillsofVirginiaSatir.
For furtherresourcesontheteachingsofVirginiaSatir,goto
https://satirglobal.org.
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