married life may be looked upon as the intensification of most human problems^ and as such it becomesthe rallying ground for the forces of bondage as well asfor the forces of freedom

SEXAND

THE SANCTITY OF

MARRIAGE

meher baba

Published by : ■'K. K. Ramakrishnan, ' ■Secretary,.Avatar Meher Baba Centre,X07/5, Range Hills, Kirkee, Poona^.

Printed by :D. D. Gangal,Lokasangraha Press,1786, Sadashiv Peth,Poona-2.

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In commemoration of the39th Silence Anniversary ofAvatar Meher Baba,10th July 1964.

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By permission fromShri Adi K. Irani,Sole licensee ofAvatar Meher Baba Copy-right

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'£ife at <Sts £BestIf understood^ life is simply a jest]If misunderstood, life becomes a pest.Once overcome, life is ever at rest.For pilgrims of the Path, life is a test.When relinquished through love^ life is at its best.

—MEHER SABA

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INTRODUCTION

"Love, love — everybody talks of love.But who knows what love really means?"

So sang Chandidas in reference to the love ofa man for a woman and a woman for a man

becoming a means to love for God. And, nodoubt, so will sing another poet-saint in another700 years.

But we now in this most unfortunate time of

the world are fortunate, for God-Man Himselfhas set out the matter of what is love and what

is not; and how a man and a woman togethermay free themselves step by step, from entanglements of attraction until they come to the doorof the Master who will give them that perfectOneness they have been seeking.

Guru-prasad,Poona. > Francis Brabazon

lOth June 1964. J

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The Problem of Sex

gEX is decidedly one of the most important problems withwhich the human mind is confronted as long as it does

not step outside the domain of duality. It is one of the things

The arising of theproblem of sex Up of human nature and has to be dealt

with. Like every other thing in humanlife sex also comes to be considered through the oppositeswhich are the necessary creations of the limited mind. Justas the mind tries to fit life into a scheme of the alternativesof joy or pain, good or bad, solitude or company, attractionor repulsion, in relation to sex, it has a tendency to think ofindulgence and repression as alternatives from which there isno escape. It seems as if man must accept the one alternativeor the other. And yet he cannot whole-heartedly accept eitheralternative because whfen he tries repression he is dissatisfiedwith his lot and longingly thinks of indulgence and when hetries indulgence he becomes conscious of his bondage to thesenses and seeks freedom by going back to mechanical repression. The mind remains dissatisfied in both the alternativesand there thus arises one of the most vital and complicatedproblems of human life.

In order to solve the problem of sex the mind must firstunderstand how both of these alternatives are equally thecreation of imagination working under the deluding influence

of craving. Craving is implicitly presentThe opposites ■ r u

of indulgence and the repression of sex as well as itsmechanical i-epres- gratification ; both presuppose the vitia-

Ssapj^nting consciousness by the operation oflust or the desire for sensations. The

mind is therefore inevitably restless in either alternative.Just as when there are clouds in the sky there is gloom and

lack of sunshine, whether it rains or not, so when the humanmind is shrouded by craving, there is diminution of beingand lack of true happiness, whether this craving is gratifiedor not. The mind which is restless with desire creates anillusory idea of happiness in the gratificaton of desire, andthen knowing that the soul remains dissatisfied even aftergratification of desire it seeks freedom through repression.Thus in search of happiness and freedom the mind gets caught upin the opposites of indulgence and repression which it finds equallydisappointing. And since it does not try to go beyond theseopposites its movement is always from one opposite to theother and consequently from one disappointment toanother disappointment.

Craving thus falsifies the operation of imagination andpresents the mind with the option between the two alternatives of indulgence and repression which prove to be

^ j equally deceptive in their promise ofmises oAC oppol happiness. However in spite of alter-

and repeated disappointment inindulgence as well as repression, the

nund usually does not renounce the root cause of unhappi-ness which is craving, because, while experiencing disappointment in repression it is easily susceptible to the falsepromise of gratification and while experiencing disappointment in gratification it is easily susceptible to the falsepromise of purely mechanical repression.

This is like moving within a cage. The gateway to

Internal and spo- spiritual Path of internal and spon-ntaneous renunci- taneous renunciation of craving remainsf craving closed for those who have not the goodIS made possible r . ^ , , , ,

through awakening fortune to be awakened by a Master.But true awakening is the eritering

into the path of wisdom which in the course of time surely

leads to the Freedom and Abiding Happiness of Life-Eternal. Internal and spontaneous renunciation of cravingis different from mechanical repression as it is from indulgence. Mind turns to mechanical repression of craving because ofdisappointment", but it turns to internal and spontaneous renunciation of craving because of disillusionment or awakening.

The need for indulgence or mechanical repressionarises only when the nature of craving is not clearly grasped.When the aspirant becomes fully awake to the inevitable

bondage and suffering entailed by crav-The opposites of ing it voluntarily begins to disburden

indulgence and re- j craving through intelligent un-pression are rela- ^ . r * j itive to craving derstanding. The question oj indulgence or

repression arises only when there is cravingsthe need for both vanishes along with the complete disappearance ofcraving. When the mind is free from craving the mind canno more be moved by the false promises of indulgence ormechanical repression. •

However it shoidd be borne in the mind that the life offreedom is nearer to the life of restraint than to the life of indulgence(though in quality it is essentially different from both).

Hence for the aspirant a life of strictRestraint is near- celibacy is preferable to the married life,

rndulgenct*"" if restraint comes to him easUy withoutany undue sense of self-repression. But

Such restraint is for most persons difficult and sometimesimpossible and for them the married life is decidedly muchmore helpful than a life of celibacy. For ordinary personsmarried life is undoubtedly advisable unless they have aSpecial aptitude for celibacy.

Just as the life of celibacy requires and calls forth thedevelopment of many virtues, the married life in its turn also

-nourishes the growth of many spiritual qualities of utmostimportance. The value of celibacy lies

of""^eUbac^^and of detack-marriage ment and independence which it gives. But as

long as the mind is not altogether freefrom craving there is no true freedom. In the same way,ihe value of marriage lies in the lessons of mutual adjustment andthe sense of unity with the other. But true union or dissolutionof duality is possible only through Divine Love whichcan never dawn so long as there is in the mind the slightest shadow of lust or craving. Only by treading the pathof inner and spontaneous renunciation of craving is itpossible to attain true freedom and unity.

For the celibate as well for the married person the pathof inner life is the same. When the aspirant is drawn by theTruth he longs for nothing else; and as the Truth increasinglyThe path of per- within his ken, he gradually disbur-

fectipn is open in dens himself of craving. Whether in celiba-celibacy as well aia • • t • ^in marriage m marriage he IS no longer swayed

by the deceptive promise's of indulgenceor mechanical repression and he practises internal and spontaneous renunciation of craving untU he is freed from thedeceptive opposites. The path of perfection is open to theaspirant whether in celibacy or in marriage; and whether hebegins from celibacy or from marriage will depend upon the sans-karas and the karmic ties of the aspirant. He theerfuUy acceptsthe conditions which his past life has determined for himand utilises them towards his spiritual advancement in thelight of the ideal which he has come to perceive.

The aspirant however must choose one of the two courses

The necessit of open to him; he must eithero clear choice take to the life of celibacy or to the

married life; and he must at all cost

. avoid a cheap compronuse between the two. Promiscuity in

.sex gratification, is bound to land the aspirant in the most pitifuland dangerons chaos of ungovernable ZiAfij and as such, diffused and undirected lust veils the higher values, itperpetuates entangleinent and creates insuperable difficulties in the spiritual path of internal and spontaneousrenunciation of craving. Sex in marriage is entirely different from sex outside marriage. In marriage, the sanskaras

- of lust are much lighter and are capable of being removedniore easily. When sex-companionship is accompaniedby a sense of responsibility, love and spiritual idealism,

■ conditions for the sublimation of sex are much more favour-• able than when it is cheap and promiscuous.

In promiscuity the temptation to explore the possibilities of mere sex contact is almost formidable; and it is onlyby the maximum restriction of the scope of mere sex that

the aspirant can arrive at any real under-prl^sc^ty^'^ standing of the higher values which are

attainable through the gradual transior-maton of sex into love. But if the mind once tries to understand sex through the increasing of its scope there is no endto the delusions of which it must be a prey, because thereis no end to the enlarging of its scope. In promiscuity, thesuggestions of lust are necessarily the first to presentthemselves to the mind and it is doomed to react to people withthe limitation of this initial perversion and thus close the door todeeper experiences.

Truth cannot be understood by skipping over the surface of life and multiplying superficialcontacts; but it requires the prepared-

intelligent handling ness of mind to centre its capacitiesof marriage upon selected experiences and to free

itself from its limiting features. This process of discrimina-

tioii between the higher and the lower and the transcen-'dence of the lower in favour of the higher is made possible through whole-hearted concentration and a real and earnestinterest in life", but such whole-hearted concentration andTeal interest is necessarily precluded when the mind becomesa slave to the habit of running at a tangent and wanders tomany other possible objects for similar experience. Inmarried life, the range of experience in the company of thepartner is so wide that the suggestions of lust are not necessarily the first to present themselves to the mind, and there-is a real opportunity for the aspirant to recognise and annul the■limiting factors in experience. By the gradual elimination oflust and a progression through a series of increasingly richerexperiences of love and sacrifice, he can finally arrive atinfinity.

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The Sanctification of Married Life

most persons enter into married life as a matter ofcourse, but marriage wUI turn into a help or a hindrance

according to the manner in which it is handled. There is nodoubt that some of the immense spiri-

Married 1 i £e tual possibilities are accessible through a

tttXmte^rise married life, but all this depends uponhaving the right attitude. From the spiri

tual point of view, married life will be a success only if it isthoroughly determined by the vision of Truth. It cannotoffer much if it is based upon nothing more than the limitedmotives of mere sex, or if it is inspired by considerationswhich usually obtain in the partnership of 'business. Ithas to be taken as a real spiritual enterprise which is intendedto discover what life can he at its best. When the two partnerstogether launch upon the spiritual adventure of exploringthe higher possibilities of the spirit they cannot at theoutset limit their experiment by any nice calculationsconcerning the nature and the amount of individual gain.

Married life almost always makes upon both the partners many demands of mutual adjustment and understanding and creates many problems which were originally beyond

their expectation; and though this mightMarried itfe is j true of life in general it

essentially dijGTer- _ . , , r • j vr Tent from promis- is particularly true oi married iiie. incuous sex-partner- j^^^rried life, two souls get linked with® ^ each other in many ways with the resultthat they are called upon to tackle the whole complex problemofpersonality rather than any simple problem created by some isolateddesire. This is exactly the point in respect of which marriedlife is utterly different from promiscuous sex-partnership.Promiscuous sex-partnership attempts to separate the pro-

blem of sex from other needs of the developing personalityand seeks to solve it in isolation from them; and though

' this kind of solution might seem to be easy it turns outbe very superficial and has further the disadvantage of side'tracking the aspirant from attempting the real solution.

The relative values of the various sides of the limitedpersonality can be best appreciated when they get intertwined and appear in varied setting and perspective. It is_ difficult to discriminate between them ifThe tension bet- .1 „ „

ween the varied n^y appear fitfully in a disconnectedpurposes of mar- series.' In married life there is amnleriecl life calls forth r . , , . , ^subUmation room tor varied experience with the

result that the different tendencies whichare latent in the mind begin to get organised aroundthe crystallised scheme of married life. And this organisation of varied purposes . not only provides an' unlimitedfield for discrimination between the higher and lower values but alsocreates between them a necessary tension which requires and callsforth effective and intelligent sublimation.

In one sense, married life may be looked upon as theintensification of most human problems; and as such it becomes the rallying ground for the forces of bondage as well as forthe forces of freedom, the factors of ignorance as well as thefactors of light. As the married life of ordinary persons is' . ... , determined by mixed motives and consi-

i he conditions of .• .. . i .marriage invite & aerations, it inevitably invites an uncom-precipitate the promising opposition between the hieherchanges in inner j xi. i i ®life lower self of man; ana such op-

position is necessary for the wearing outof the lower part and the dawning of the true divine self.

■Married life develops so many points of contact between the'two souls that severance of all connection means the uri-settlement and derangement of practically the whole tenor of

life; and since this difficulty of getting away from each otherinvites and precipitates inner readjustment, it is really adisguised opportunity for the souls to establish a real and alasting understanding which can cope with the most complexand delicate situations.

The spiritual value of married life is direcdy relative tothe nature of the preponderating factors which determineits daily happenings. If it is based upon shallow considera

tions it can deteriorate into a partner-Married life must ship in selfishness as against the rest of

Dirinrplan'"'''*' the World; but if it k inspired by loftyidealism it can be raised to a fellowship

which not only requires and calls forth increasinglygreater sacrifices for each other but actually becomesa medium through which the two souls can offer their unitedlove and service to the whole family of humanity. When .married life is thus brought into direct line with theDivine Plan for the evolution of the individual it becomesa pure blessing to the children which are the fruit of thatmarriage, for they get the advantage of imbibing spiritualatmosphere from the very beginning of their earthly career.

Though the children are thus the benefactors from themarried life of the parents, the married life of the parents is inits turn enriched by the presence of the children. Children giveto the parents an opportunity for expressing and developing a real and spontaneous love in which sacrifice becomes

easy and delightful and the part play-Married life is hy children in the life of the parents

Sed^byc^drTn is of tremendous importance for thespiritual advancement of parents them

selves. It therefore follows that when children make theirappearance in married life they ought to be wholeheartedly welcome to the parents.

10

In view of the clainis which children have on marriedlives the present Birth Control movement deserves carefulattention and eritical examination. The question must not

be considered from the point of view ofThe Birth Control • , i- i ^ imovement tries to o^e special or limited interest butsecure its aim from the point of view of the ultimate

means'* ° ° S well-being of the individual and society.The right opinion in this respect as in all

repects, must above everything be based upon spiritualconsiderations. The attitude which most persons havetowards the Birth Control movement is oscillating andconfused because it contains a queer admixture of goodand bad elements, while the Birth Control movement is rightin its aim of securing the regulation of population, it is disastrouslyunfortunate in the choice of its means. There can be no doubtthat the regulation of children is often desirable for personal and social reasons. Uncontrolled breeding intensifiesthe struggle for existence and may bring about a socialorder where ruthless competition becomes inevitable. Apartfrom creating for parents a responsibility which they cannotadequately discharge, it becomes an indirect and contributory cause of crimes, war and poverty. But though thehumane and rational considerations demand and justifyall serious attempts to regulate the birth of children theuse of physical means for securing this purpose remainsfundamentally indefensible and unjustifiable.

The purely physical means which are generally advo-cated by the supporters of the Birth

sical^m^ns takjj Control movement are most objectiona-away the ordinary ble from the Spiritual point of view.

contrSr^ Although the physical means of BirthControl are advocated on humanitarian

grounds they are almost always used by the generality of the

11

people for serving their own selfish ends and for avoidingthe responsibility of bearing and bringing up children.And since the physical consequences of yielding to lustcan be so successfully avoided through the use of thesemeans those who have not begun to be awake to the highervalues have no incentive to be moderate in the gratification of passion. They thus become victims to excessiveindulgence and bring about their own physical, moraland spiritual ruin, by neglecting mental control and becoming a slave to the animal passion.

The easy use of the physical means obscures the spiritualside of the question and is far from being contributory tothe awakening of man to his real dignity and freedom

as a spiritual being. Thoughtless andindilpe^saWe'^for uncontrolled indulgence must inevitablyrising from pas- lead to reaction and spiritual bondage,sion to peace spiritual aspirants in particular and

also for all human beings (because they are all potentiallyspiritual aspirants) it is extremely inadvisable to rely uponphysical means for the regulation of children. For the regulation of childrtn they must rely upon nothing but mental control.Mental control secures the humanitarian purposes whichinspire the Birth Control movement and keeps clear of thespiritual disasters entailed by the use of physical means Jand it is not only useful for regulating the number of childrenbut is also indispensable for restoring to man his divinedignity and spiritual well-being. Only through the wiseexercise of mental control is it possible for man to rise from passionto peace, from bondage to freedom and from animality to purity.In the minds of thoughtful persons the much ignoredspiritual side of this question must assume the importancewhich it deserves.

Since woman has to undertake the troubles and the

12

responsibility of bearing and rearing children she mayseem to be affected by any possible failure in mental controlmore seriously than man; but in fact it does not mean any

real unfairness to woman. It is true

Uty°^* parentibood Woman has to undertake the troublesand the responsibility of bearing and

rearing children, but she has also the compensating joy offeeding and fondling them. Thus motherhood is muchgreater than the joy of fatherhood. Further the man alsomust face and shoulder the economic and educationalresponsibility towards the children. In a properly adjustedmarriage there need not be any injustice in the distributionof parental responsibility which should be shared by manas well as woman. If the father as well as the mother aretruly conscious of their mutual responsibility inconsidtratenesswill give place to active and co-operative endeavour to attain fullmental control-, and in the event of there being any failurein mental control they would cheerfully and willinglydischarge the joint responsibility of parenthood.

If a person is not prepared to undertake the responsibility of children there is only one course which is left for

him. He must remain a celibate and

cl^d"n"^ust^l practise strict mental control. For, thoughwelcome such mental control is extremely difficult

to attain it is not impossible. Fromthe purely spiritual point of view strict celibacy is best;but since it is so difficult few can practise it. Andfor those who cannot practise it the next best course isto marry rather than fall a prey to promiscuity. Withinmarried life one can learn to control animal passion. Butit is bound to be a gradual process and in cases of failurein practising control parents must allow nature to take its owncourse rather than interfere with it through artificial means. They

13

ahust cheerfully weleome the consequences and be pre-'pared to. shoulder the responsibility for the upbringingof children.

From the spiritual point of vie'w, Birth Control mustessentially be effected through mental control and nothingelse. And physical means are under no circumstancesadvisable even when a person seeks to use them merely as a provi

sional and a second aid without intending

onderaSned by re- 1° ignore the ideal of developing mentalliance on physical control. While using the physical means

he can never arrive at real mental control

though he might -want it in right earnest; on the contraryhe becomes addicted to the use of physical means and evenbegins to justify them. To explain it still more elearly, whathappens in the use of physical means is that while one thinksthat he is using them merely as a preliminary step before .mental control is fully developed, he actually gets addictedto their use and becomes a slave to that habit. And thoughhe may for some time remain under the delusion that heis trying to develop mental control (side by side with theuse of physical means) he is actually losing it gradually.In short, mental power is necessarily undermined by reliance on thephysical means. Thus the use of physical means is detrimental to the development of self-control and is positivelydisastrous for spiritual advancement; it is therefore under

no condition advisable even for the best of motives.

In the beginning of married life the partners are drawnto each other by lust as well as love.

Spiritual advance- But they can with conscious and deli-mar- co-operation gradually lessen the

element of lust and increase the element

of love. Through this process of sublimation lust ultimately gives place to deep love. By the mutual sharing of

14

joys and sorrows the partners march on from one spiritualtriumph to another spiritual triiunph, from deep love toever deeper love, tiU the possessive and jealous love of the initialperiod is entirely replaced by a self-giving and expansive love.In fact, through the intelligent handling of marriage aperson may traverse so much of the Spiritual Path thatit needs only a touch by the Master to raise him intothe sanctuary of eternal life.

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AVATAR MERER BAB A CENTRE, BOON A

Weekly get-together of Meher Baba lovers is held at 441/2-Somwar Pcth, every Monday betw^een 7 and 8-30 p. m.

The Centre is open to all seekers of Truth and Lovers of God.

"We are all ONE in God's Love".

Books and literature on and by Meher Baba in English, Marathi,Hindi, Gujarathi, Persian, Urdu, Sindhi, Bengali, Telugu and' Malyalam arefor sale at the Centre.

A library section is maintained which gives books and periodicalsto its members, who regularly attend the Centre's said Monday meetings.

»r K. K. Ramakrishnan,X'iL ] Secretary,

Avatar Meher Baba Centre, Poona

107/5, Range Hills, Kirkee, Poona—3.

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