The Iron Warrior Magazine: Volume 3, Issue 2

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he pecial 'Surprise in Every Box Issue •



· ........

History, Tradition, and

What to be Proud of ..

No m tter how civilized

nd well-rounded we m y

ctu lly be, it's still not

quite good enough t

overcome people's memory

of how we used t be.

I-EOry and tradition can be good things. When

you can look into the past and say, yes, this001, or this faculty, or this newspaper has a

tradition of excellence, that can incite you to strive tocontinue that tradition. Much of the time, I am proud toassociate myself with the facUlty of Engineering at theUniversity of Waterloo, and I am usually proud to saythat I arn the editor of the Iron Warrior. I believe that

there is a tradition of excellence in Engineering at UW,and a similar, although slightly more recent, tradition inthe IW. A couple of weeks ago, however, I was anything but proud of tl1e tradition of the Iron Wan ior.

Recently, we acquired some copies of b ck issues ofthe Warrior and the now-defunct Engillews. 111e firsttime that the title '11'On Warrior" was ever used was inOctober of 1980. To mark this occasion, the cover wasgr ced witl1 a picture of a naked woman, and the caption, "Look at those tits Yum Yum " The rest of theissue was filled with obscenities, cru de non-humour,and numerous references to engineers having sex witl1nurses.

Once I got over the shocktl1at something that tastelesshad actually been pub-

lished, all I felt was despair.Our goal in producing theIron arrior is to depictengineering s tu d ents asthey really are: a diversegroup of people with variedinterests and talents. I had

known lhat this would be achallenge, because there is acontingent who believesthat we shouldn't have varied interest , but should beinterested only in beer and

tools. That contingent is,however, a minority, and Ifigured that representing

the majority was moreimportant not to mentionmore interesting andwouldn't be too hard.

ter h ow civilized and well-rounded we may actuallit's still not quite good enough to overcome peopmemory of how we used to be. That's why engineeevents like frosh week are scrutinized so closely appropriateness - it doesn't seem possible that we chav e reformed entirely.

There's very little in this tradition, then, to inspireto continued excellence . I was prepared to giventirely for a while, believing that nothing thacould do would really make a difference in the lrun. I realized, though, that even though the IW mhave a shady and shameful past, there is a more rtradition here . The Iron Warrior has, in recent histbeen "expanding its horizons" by experimenting wnew formats and including an Arts section, am

othe r things. The paper/magazine has looked prsional, and has contained interesting an d intelligentcles. This new tradition is the one we want to upand we welcome the support of anyone who wants

help us clean up our tarnished reputation.It would seem that as engineering students, we

outgrown o ur reputation. We have a collective respsibility to prove this reputation false, as we knowbe. Public perception is a slow thing to cl"lange,cially considering that our notoriety was well-deservfor a significan t length of time. But if we contdown this path of change and growth, we will evally earn a more accurate reputation. Some day,neering students will be able to look at their hiswith pride, and will be proud to follow in our foots

NOWOPEN

I forgot to consider IUstory in my plan. The engin ee r in g newspaper like

engineering students in gener a l, has this history ofoffensiveness and brainlessness and whiffs of thatstench still hover today.We've been so astonishinglycrude in the past that no onecan quite forget it. No mat-

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Advertislng ManagerSeyhan Sherifali

Layout EditOTScottDumviUe

Layout StaffSarah Mee

Jennifer Wong'?

William AlcottScott HoweHenry O.Murchland

LindsayWood

TV kQII W4CrI« it fIlrumfor oaabt provokiG.and infonnatlve mkle. pre by he 1Cadcmk:CCIIIlIIIWlityof die UIII , ,\}' of Waterloo. Views .xpmsedIn TJtc IrQn Wqcclqr are IlIoseof die alllllon aad do IlOl nece5$lrily",lIocI1beopu1-

ioos of he I n,lneerinaSociety.

The Iron Warriorencourl,os SUbmlst lOll l from students. facull)' and othermembersof the univenlty eommllllllY.SubmissiOllS IIaouIcIreII«11be CGDCefIISandInteilecauaJ .1IrIdanIof aile uoivmity in pmnI. and IbouJd be Iypewrium on •Moclnlosbor MS·DOS 3 1(2" disk. The IUdaor', name.elus If applicable)andphone number should be included.

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All submissioosand ad.emsinasboold be fOlWarded to:The I R WmiotBn I - . io SocietyCPH 1327Unlve lty of WaaerlooWaaerloo,OnllrioN2L3GI

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E-melI : IwB ior@Wedge .walltar.uw8terloo.ca

Do we realfy n eedEdcom? Weigh theevidence on page 77

In This Issue:

History of the Tool

The ron Warrior Magazine

Volume 3 Issue 2

October 24,1994

• • , , • • • , I , , , I , , , ,4hose facts that everyone needs to know

Engineers Communicating • • I , , • • ,

Everyone says that Engineers need to be able to speakand write: Now you can learn how

Tough Theatre -. , . . , . , . ,

he Drama Department 's first production of the season.

he Apocalypse is on its way, , , , , , , ,7he world isn't over yet, but it must be soon

Scunt Pictures . , . ,

Assault and Battery were strong enough to survive.

New Environmental Building . , . . , , , 7 7Bob Rae gives us lots of mooah.



rom Whence The Tool Began

Amanda PintoA Electrical

- ; .

year 1968 brought with it The TOOL, the greatsymbol that identifies Waterloo Engineering and

its members to the rest of the world. That year,EngSoc had established a committee to create a mascotto represent the faculty, similar to the pink tie of theMathies. The EngSoc president at that time went on awork term for Do£asco, came upon a Ridge Tool Com

pany pipe wrench, and liked it.The donation of the 60 inch, 100+ poLmd wrench was

soon arranged, and the TOOL made its debut at the

semi-formal in October of that year . It was originallyencased in glass in the Carl Pollock Hall foyer, but as itsnotoriety among other schools grew, it was decided

that The TOOL should be hidden and its bearers' identities concealed. The TOOL bearers, entrusted with itsprotection, donned black robes and hoods . For publicappearances, they were secured to The TOOL, with achain donated by Dominion Chain .

In 1981, a tragic event occurred when The TOOL was

. ; , , t . I . . : .

returning from a Welcome Back Stag at Bingeman's

Park. The bearers had sto pped for some light refreshments at McGinnis Landing when a group of visiting Uof T engineers tore open the trunk of the bearers' carand sto le The TOOL.

"please p use for a

moment of silence"

A careful investigation ensued, and the perpetratorswere contacted and wamed. The TOOL was promptly

returned, encased in a forty gallon drum of concrete.

Around theWorld

andin Your FaceAxel NoriegaINVINCIVIL

a ce upon a time, a very powerful nation exist. For sak of argument, let's call it Engineer

land. As had happened in the past and in other

countries, the nation was governed by a part of society,and to your surprise, U is was the privileged class . The

people of this privileged class had forgotten that theywere a minority, but it was not their fault. Nobody elsegave a shit TI,ey took advantage of the opportunity,and did tl1e best they could for tl1eir own purposes, forgetting that there was a majority who also paid taxes totl1eir laborious institution .

For years and years, tl1e majority lived a life of conformity, as they continue to do today. TIley have let thegoverning minority do wit h tl1eir money anything theywant. Parties, celebrations, insignificant events, any

thing for a good cup of wine and a good laugh .Events where everybody is welcome but not recognized. Anyone can fit, but only if they behave accord

ing to tl1e nonns and "rnanners" already established bythe "highe r class".

When this higher class needs money, they hold a

democratic referendum to see if the "little people

will react. But, as has happened in the past, only a smallportion of the majority comes to tl,e polls. To your surprise (and mine of course) the little people do not show

up. Their voice is not heard once again . Why, you ask?Simple. Because they don't give a shit They are in tl1eirlittle cosy home, living in tl1eir little own world, waitingfor others to run their lives and use th eir tax-payed

money for tl1eir own parties amean purposes).Well, I hope you are waiting for a happy ending,

because there ain' t one. Nothing has changed, and

notl1ing will change until these people come out of theirshells as individuals witl, a clear state of mind, and

become an active part of ilieir society.Wake up Smell the coffee Corne on out, express

your ideas. TI,e governing people are made of fleshand bone, just like you and me. TIley can't bite

Be pro-active, be a liberator, be whatever you want tobe, but be something . More importantly, 0 0 SOMETHING, to enrich your lives and the ones of your co m

rades . But above all, be YOURSELF.

Once the concrete was removed, however, tl,e T

was found to have 0 of T Engineering" engraved

its surface . It was quickly sandblasted and rechroand returned to its original form to erase the te

memory of its capture and desecration.The name "TOOL" also has an interesting past.

ing tl1e late sixties and early seventies, it was know

TI,e RIDGID TOOL, in recognition of the companyhad donated it. m e Ridge Tool Co. uses tl,e tradem

"RJIX;ID" on all of their tools). However, as awareof sexism in engineering grew, many people objectethe name. One of tl1e main charges protested thatTOOL was a phallic symbol, and represented

virility . As well, the black hoods and robes wornbearers were said to resemble Ku Klux Klan gam suniform was changed to overalls. The face coverinthe bearers is now grey instea d of black, and hard

are worn over top.Such is tl1e past of our mighty TOOL. t will oon

to be present at all major E ngineering events, to sera great reminder of our proud Engineering traditifor generations to come.

HeyThe next deadline for

submissions t

the Iron Warrior is

JFrriicdl J;Y9N CIDW®ITIIDl])®rr



The Sandford Fleming Foundation4306 Carl Pollock Hall, University of WaterlooWaterloo, Ontario , N2l3G1

CONGR TUL TIONS TO

9t£[yson jraham, Civil T,ngineering

Waterloo Campus Activities

519) 888-4008

the 1994 Winner of the Karen Mark Scholarship

In addition to the above, the Sandford Fleming Foundation presents the following prizes in the Fall Term:

The Technical Speaker CompetitionTeaching ASSistantship Awards

Work Term Report AwardsEngineering Debates

Funding for this award comes from engineering student contributions and depends on them for continuation.

An organization devoted to the advancement of engineering education.

Frosh Weeks Past Present nd FuturePiyush Bhatnagar

A Systems

HhlIO everyone I certainly hope that you've allrecovered from the post-OktoberfrstSickness. By10W, all the new additions to UW Engineering

have found out that the most difficult part about university isn't just getting in. Midterm season is afoo t and

people are probably getting a dose of what real wUversity life is about.

Now this article was supposed to go in the last IW,but was somehow misplnced. {No,S01rlEOl1e just d idn t getit to the right place 011 time. - Ed.] So here it is .

This year we made quite a few changes to FroshWeek to refl ect the varying needs of the peopl e forwhom it is organized - the FROSH. In recent years,there has been a trend towards younger and youngerpeople corning to wUversity . There are large numbers

of people who are completing high sd1oo1 in four years,making them 17 or 18 years old when they get here.This trend made us cl1ange the way we run Frosh week

in Engineering.Many former events assumed that people were of

legal drinking age. This year we ensured that there

were events which catered to the needs and tastE of themosaic of people which makes up the class of 1999.(boy, tha t sounds like a long way off ) Each of our nightevents was tailored so that clubs and other localesallowed for people of all ages. We organized nights out

with ot her faculties to break down the inter-faculty barriers and stigmas. Every year we re asked to do more

inter-faculty events and I think we re on our way todelivering just that.

The structure of this year's organizational committeewas quite different from previous years. In this past, afew Super Huges have been responsible for organizingthe entire week. This year, each day of Frosh Week had

a Super Huge (or group) and a conunittee who tookcare of runn ing all the events for their day. They tookthat day off from whatever their duties were during therest of the week. That was their designated sober day

which meant that they were to be responsible for any

troubleshooting tha t needed to be done. This allowed

the group of organizers to concentrate on a smaller

number of events and make sure that they went offwithout a hitch. It reduced the amount of responsibilitylaid on the shoulde rs of each person. It also meant thatthey did not have to give up the entire week for the sakeof organization and they could still have fLm. I have tothank the people who ran each day for me :

Weekend :

Tuesday:Wednesday

Thursday

SCUNTFridaySunday

01ris Sharpe, Scott Hoefman,Graeme SkllmerShelly FIsherSteve Aderna, John Campbell,Will TeronMichael Popik, Scott L.azc'U11k,

ChrisWilkTrevor Baine, Tracey SmileyIan ClarkeKathy Argiriou, Terence Gilhuly

I would also like to thank a group of people behindthe scenes who did an incredibl e amount of work withlittle or no recognition - the media guys: Alun Fry r,

Mario Bellabarba Mike Svarc , and Mik e Kresin. TI1eseguys not only did all the video and photographic jobs ,but also some serious running around in crunch situations. Without them this week would not have happened.

FInally, there are two more people who deserve special recognition. First, this year's Headcom, Paul Trevisan, did a phenomenal job with EdCom. Theyworked well as a tearn and helped out whenever theywere needed . Thanks to the whole group. And last,but certainly not least, Steve Kingsley -Jones. Heworked hard all summer with me to get the noveltiesstraightened out and the budget under control. He s

hard with the pocket book, but the one you should allthank for coming up with the funds to give out more ,and better, novelties and having the events that w e ctid.Thank s to everyone.

Even though the week went so well, there is a dimside to it aJl The administration is reviewing the structure of the week and its events. The administrati on isunder the impression that we may not be keeping with

the times and that some of our practices may be

medieval. ll1e questionable practices are the obstaclecourse and the existence and need for EdCom. It hasbeen brought to my attention that th ese traditions maynot be the best way to create bonds among the people ineach colour group. Som of th things that go on arevery disturbing to ob rvers out ide of ngin r i n .

The way that EdCom hollers and intimidates thealread y fragile first years may not be the way to go.

My take on the s ituation is that the obstacle coursebrings everyone to the same level and gives people

so me common ground and experience. It is an icebreaker which seems impossible to find on your own.Corning to a new city, a new school and not knowinganybody can be a very frightening experience. FroshWeek and all of its events attempt to make the transition from high sc hool to university life easier. Givingpeople some common ground to build team unity issom thin g which is essential in < l ~ I . . ' o m p l i s h i n gthis t ~ l l .

Ju s t look at our rientation participation r'1Lt' in comparison to the numlx.1 S in any tIwr (,1 IIty throughoutth ntir ' w k and you will s( C that W iU doing

sometIling right.I havc always believed that c.1Ch individual sho uld

have a say in his or h r future. On 's p.lth 'hould notbe dictated to him or h r. Furth rrnore, ca h person isalso responsib le for his or h r act ion s and how tho seactions may affect thers . Poopl should also look out

for the int rests of those who are not able to look o ut forthemselv es. So, th sermo n asid , we have prepared acomment sheet for anyone wh has an opinion (we d

especially hke to h ear from th e Fro h) about froshWeek The forms are s till available in th Orifice. Tellus what you like, what you dislikc. If there arc thingsthat need changing, tell us not only what lhose thingsare, but how to change th em . It is easy to criticizethings, but if you cannot offer a solution to the problemsthat exist, no-on e is any furth er along.

Please take this request very seriously.Thank you again to everyone. and I hope all you

Frosh had a great time . Enjoy the pho tos and I hope to

hear from you soon.



Engineers CommunicatingReprinted with permission from theSeptember /October issue of Engineering Dimen

Dr_ Garland E Laliberte, P.Eng.PE

President

lYOU are not a good communicat<:>r, you are not a

good engineer. Good communication is a key factor. good engineering. It is important in engineering

to be able to articulate your ideas, to influence other s tosupport some plan that you have in mind, or to helpthem understand a very complex phenomenon. Asengineers, both at a teclmicallevel and at a more general level, not a day goes by that we do not have toexpress our thoughts and ideas, to make ourselves

understood or to give our ideas credibility.Why, then, do so many of us regularly present our

se lv es a poor communicators?

admission subjects, but do not insist on English orFrench. Perhaps we should change the admission

requirements.The inappropriateness of the view that engineers

need not be good communicators begins to manifestitself as the student moves progressively through thecurriculwn. The importance to the developing engineerof being able to communicate his or her ideas becomesincreasingly apparent. By the time the engineer has

graduated, the importance of good communication

skills has become obvious.The quality of communication skills is possibly the

most frequently mentioned deficiency by employers ofour graduates. Nonetheless, most of us hone our communication skills on the job. We have to, or else we

would not be the effective employees our employersrequire us to be. For many of us, it requires consider-

able effort and the guidance

It probably s terns from a phe-

nomenon that manifests itself at

an early stage in our personaldevelopment. We are attractedas high school students towards

n • • • good wit numbers,but not wit words.

of others. However, by thatt ime, m a n y of us have

become convinced that weare not good communicators

the linearity of mathematics and science and we steeraway from the multidimensionality and the indetenninate nature of the liberal arts and the language arts subjects . We appreciate the logic of the sciences and we

derive satisfaction from successfu l completions of amathematical proof. We find considerably less intriguing the analysis of what Shakespeare or Moliere migh t

ve meant Wh CJl they cro ted a passag in a certainway. And so we t ~ n to excel in mathematics and science and we "get by" in the langua ge arts.

In other words, we amplify the natural divergence inour talents. In fact, many of us choose engineering forour careers because we ge t so much satisfaction from

dealing with quantitative concepts. As an engineeringeducator, I don' t know how many times I have heard afirst-year engineering student declare that he or she isgQOci with numbers, but not with words. TI10SC of us inthe engineering schools validate this view of our profession when we spec ify mathematics and the sciences as

and even though we have bythen cultivated our communication skills, we still perpetuate the myth that most engineers are not good

communicators.My view is that we should sto p underselling our pro

fession as a profession of poor communicators. If, as

individuals, we really believe that our own communication skills require improvements , we should ge t onwith some profession l d ev e lopment activitiesdesigned to improve these skills. Also, we should notshy away from opportunities to express ourselves. Wesh o uld accept that invitation to be a guest speaker We

sh o uld not decline that opportunity to write a guest edi-torial. I n ~ e m e n tin teclmical societies and in profes

sional organizations provides and ideal opportunity toimprove ourselves as communicators. Accept thosed1allenges, even seek them out. By doin g so, we and

our organizations both benefit

Gareth O LoughlinCommunications Director

Egineerin g Communications is a new dir

ship of the Engineering Society which wasto address the needs of engineering stud

for better c ommunicat ions skills. The principal goEngineering Communi cation s are:

1 To provide an opportunity for UW enginestudents to meet and develop these skills in angroup environment, and

2) To prepare a large number of students fupcoming Ontario Engineering Competition to b

at Ryerson in February.Engineering Communications will be holding

lar meetings generally Wednesdays) whichinvolve activities from the following three main

areas:- presentations and public speaking,- debating, and

- theatre skills.So far this term, an introductory meeting and s

seminars have been held . Ultimately, a situation issioned where students meet regularly in small grat times that suit them, to work on the these actiThe entire group will continue to meet every

weeks so that members can showcase their skills larger audience.

TI is framework has been chosen so that interstudents hose schedules may not p er mit theattend the larger meetings can easily fom1 small gand emulate what is being done at the advertisedings. fu addition, students will have more opportto participate effectively in small groups . Hopethis will pay big dividends at the Ontario EngineCompetiti on in February.

Upcoming events for Engineering Commun icatwill be advertised on balU1ers and flyers in theneering buildings. The Watstar calendar a ndboard s also contain details about upcomi ng events.

For further information, contact one of the Engineeing Communications Directors by leaving a note EngSoc Office or by sending e-mail to Speak@Wed

:n 1IS S E AT S T ' ~ N .



The Monstern side

Casey Co/ak2A Chemical

Bill broke the lock ,vith a loud cra h. He wa toldnot to, but this was an accident. He wa s just being curi -o us. Allyway, that didn't matter. Th deed wa done .He amId hear the monster come from the dark , evilplace where it was imprisoned . It wa s now loose and itwould attack whoever se t it free.

Billy kn ew that h e had to hide. li e ran to I k hi.m selfin his room. He almo t ma d e it, but the monster wastoo quick . It g rabbed hirn and threw him int o the room.TIle mo nster wa on a rampage. It tepped on hi toys,breaking them, it th r ew things across the room, itknocked his books off his shelves and it roored savage-ly. TI1e TOclr alont' was enough to make Billy ,vish hehad never released t he beast. It was full of rage and

rnalicc , but the mon..stcr was not ontent with ju t scar-ing the Little boy . Illashed out and struck him hcu·d . He

instantly fel t his cheek swelling. Then he Celt a noth er

blow , th is tim e on the other cheek. His eyes were open

wide \·vith terror as the mo n ster con tinu ed to st rik em rcilessly. He repeated th a t he was sorry and that he

would never do it agam , but the monster couldn' t

understand him or didn't care . He must be punished

for waking the bea t

Billy couldn't t ake it anymore. He was now so inun-dated with pain that he could not feel the monster'sblows. He closed his eyes and whispered: Please, goaway . As if that wer Lh magic phrase to sendmonster back to its dark place, it left the room quietly.

Billy was now sObbing on his bed. His room seemedso big, so empty. All he could think of was howless he felt around the monster. He couldn ' t defend

himself and nobody would protect him. He felt soalone and the room seemed to grow even bigger.door opened. Billy sat up and saw his mother. He Wa 'relieved to see her, but he couldn't express any

tion: he was completely numb. She sat down onbed and took him mto her arms. He began to cry on hPT

shoulder . Tt's o K sweethearc, she Mid, everyth·

will Ix fine. Daddy just had a hard d..l 1t work .

The Smile

J DT oem

Pradeep Nair

To say:Yodellirlg is the ONLY way Locry. Look both

ways before you eat an apple.Do You Understand?To state:

Dumb is Lhe fruitfly who eats a C'lITot.dO yOU uNDERSTAND?To profess :

'To fly is the Power of the f IOLlr . Drinks arc 4Scents.

Do YoU uNdErStAl1D?(do you smi le?

Or am I crazy?In a land where the machine is supreme

and the human isobsolete .. .

(No longer can I smile . . . )



he HandsT h e Reverend James ollis So I went on about it. I told them how cool it was. cinating. Hnun maybe I would. watch the news

Now we would never have to hunt for the convert er a man has to have his principles after all. I wen

have probably seen a set of these hands at again. 1 old them that yes I think that the hands looked bed.least once before. They are black and consist of very nice and oh but weren't the y artistic. They looked. 1woke up the next morning and stumbled atwo hands with the palms pointing upwards so happy . gradu ally getti ng cleaner, fuller, and more clothe

towards the sky. The arms continue to a single base not much of a morning person. I like to grow

where the elbow is. They are sold at the Den for Fmally I made it to the kitchen where my moth

and are supposedly for holding 1V convert- r - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ' " f t itting. She gave me a mildly disapprovinA final statement of the decadence of our soci- and said ''Kevin, your father went downs

1 uppose. watch Good Morning America this m

My parents have never been accused of hav- and can you guess what happened?good taste. Our house is cluttered with stuff A very intriguing question. I had

that looks like garage sale bargains, things U1at the imaginative ideas but Mom didn't lookstore would consider too tacky for sale. We wanted to hear them No Mom, what?Y 1ave a complete set of the dog posters you He fOillld the converter on the floor

know, the ones where the dogs are playing poker couch. Kevin, we went out and bough

and pool and stuff, and they are in little bronze hands so that that wouldn't happen anframes. When ever a friend comes over I tell them The least you could do is use them. that J was adopted. Seeming ly within hours of W ell you could have knocked me ovewhen these hands went on sale my parent s were feather. I started to protest but then thoug

the proud OWllCrs of a set [don't know how they Ler of it. Wl1at wa I going to tell her? Thaf i n Lhe,e thing. I think that they have some sort but don't worry because converters don't

radar. They are sitLing at home and suddenly those hands? Sometll1,\es they get shufflthey bolt upright sniffing the air and they know and forth too? I mumbled an apology.that somewhere a Star Trek poster complete with Oh, that's OK Kevin, just try and remflashing lights has just gone on sale. They gel so next time.excited about these thingi; though that I hate to tell Now 1 was getting kind of nervous. them that they have the worst taste of anybody going crazy? Sho uld I see a luink? Shoti1at I know, so I always get excited for them too. on Geraldo? Maybe I could hav a TV

This time, when I got home from m friend" made of it. al with that later, it was

my parents were beaming. r knew tha t they school.had found something. This is what they alway s School passed OK I told all my frienddo. They won't just come out and tell me. I have my parents' new acquisition . They wto notice the new object lying around and get excit- sympathetic. I decided against telling aned about it. It's like a little game, if I don't notice about the transporting converters, rnaybethen they get disappointed. There is no time limit and just imagined it all. Maybe the CI i1ad put LSone of the rules is that I'm not supposed to hun. : for it. I FInally I had heaped enough compliments on them drinking water and it was all just a giant halluchave to notice it somewhere in my daily routine. I sup- for them to be satisfied until next time and I retired back That was probably it. I just won't drink water. Lpose it could be worse. ll1ey could have been physical- downstairs to watch TV. J went to the hands and had a what would be safe to drink. Vodka should

ly abusive inst ead of taste abusive. I went dOWl1 tairs to bit of a shock. The converters had switched hands. I Finally it was time to go home.the living room and started looking for the converter had been sure that the VCR converter had been in the I walked in the door. My parents wouldn'wondering wl1atthe new pur hasc could possibly be. It right hand but now it was in the left. Oh well, I thought home for a couple of hours. I microwave d mywould haw to be pretty impressive to t op the giant to myself, I must hav e been mistaken. I grabbed the TV couple of hot dogs and went downstairs withElvis stamp which is framed in the front hall. In my converter and spent the night entiu-alled b y Roseanne's hension. ll1e hands were not there. I looked ahouse finding th • converter is always a relatively the room and couldn't find them. I

myself not to think about it and tumed o'najor excavation but [ wab l'Wving more troublethan Ui:iUdl. r had IiftL l..i ,,11 the cllshions, checkedunder the Clge of the sofa, and sorted through Maybe the CIA had put LSD in the

TV manually. Soon the comforting o

bars of Cheers flooded the room, aneverything was OK. Sudde nly the TV w

I jumped up with a start. How had thpened? A short or something?

the piles of stuff on the floor.r don't want to say that my parents are

messy, but I suppose that everything has its place

and in my home tl1at place is the floor . I gave upand went to tum on the TV by hand and therethey were. A set of hands resting on top of theTV with the TV converter in one l'Iand and theVCR in the other. I winced inwardly and let out

drinking w ter and t w s ll just aI went over to the TV and tuned it b

a long sigh. I don't know if this beat the Elvis stamp but

it was pretty close. ll1e n it struck me that t he VCR con-verter was there. Wow, I hadn't seen it in months. I

thought that it l1ad made a break for the rea] world .Oh well, I guess I had to go upstairs and make

the obligatory comments.I climbed back up the stairs and

looked at my parents. They looked so cute like this.ll1eir faces were lit up with expectation (md beamingwith pride at their new possession.

gi nt ha llucination.

latest escapades, Bart's newest jokes, and the Bundys'oldest. Finally 1got to the magica l time when 1V couldno longer fufill me (the news was all that was on) and

decided to turn in.I put the converter on the ground aJld then remem

bered about the hands. Retrieving Lhe converter Iwalked. over to replace the converter and had anothershock The VCR converter was in the right hand. Now

I was confused. Oh well, blame it on the 1V. Cathoderays had eroded my brain to the point that I was l1allu-

Norm sat down at the bar. No, say it w

I missed Norm's line. a knew themfavourite was, lilt's a dog eat dog worfm wearing milk bone underwear. ) I

down. Blink the 1V went off again. This was

lous. After ~ 1 i n git on again, I caught somethinof the comer of my eye on the way back to the cowas the hands sitting on a shelf in the bookcase.watched, the thumb bent over and pressed thebutton on the 1V converter. The sound from behind me went off. My mouth hung open. I hathe thumb move. But it was plastic. Damn.

crazy, and the weekend was just con1i.ngup too.I starte d talking to myself. I kept repeating,

not real This just isn't 11appening.



On that note the door opened and my Dad entered.He was carrying a paper bag and his briefcase. Hecalled out, "Son, I have something for you."

I entered still mumbling to myself. ~ y Dad had alook on his face like the cat that killed the canary. Hisgrin was literally from ear to ear. He said, "Son I knewhow much you had admired this, so I got you one."Having said that he pulled out another set of hands

I fainted.I woke up to my Dad shaking me and asking me if

I was alright. I slowly got to my feet and told him,"Dad, I think I'm going crazy."

He looked at me long and hard and said, "Son, it'

just hormones, soon you will be through these teenageyears and "

I cut him off, "Dad not that kind of crazy, it's thesehands." I then told him everything. I told him all aboutthe converters switching hands, about leaving the con-verter in the hand and finally about the hand turningoff the TV.

When I was finally finished he looked at me longand hard with a curious look in his face. Finally heasked me, "Son have you been doing a lot of LSD?"

I said, 'No, not a lot."He said, 1 think I know what the answer to your

problem is."Relieved I said, "What? Tell me Dad What?"He said, "Just wait until tonight. I ll do better than

tell you, I'll show you."

Later on my Mom came home and I noticed thatmy Dad didn't tell her anything about what had hap-pened so I took the cue and dummied up. We ate sup-per and my Dad told

but he didn't.I caught the bus home a f w minut . Inter. till

running I threw open the door and walked insid . Myjaw dropped. My mother was lying 11illed n top of

my best friend' father . he was ven..>d in sweat and ittook her a minute to recognize m She ran upstairsand slammed the batluoom door shut with the n . 11 fol-lowing right behind her.

r \va going crazy. First 1 find out my D,1d's ajunkie and nm here' my 10m having:: \. with nwbest friend's father. I hear a noise behind me, I tumaround and it's the h.:md ,and they are dipping. I heara noise coming from th kitd1en. The other set of hand

hops out of th kitchen and they are clapping too. S ld-denly I can hear my mom moaning loudly fr m theupstairs bathroom.

I ran outside.I made it over to Eric's. (He' my second best

friend. My best friend is Dave, but I really don't thinkthat I wanted to go over there.) I told hin1 the wholstory. Eric believed me. Of course i you told Eri thatthe moon was made from green cl1eese he ' d beli vthat to. Eric is pretty easy going. I told him . that I need -ed his help. He said sure man. I had had a plan brew-ing in the back of my mind on the walk over and now Itold him

I spent the night at Eric's and we made our prepa-rations. The next day when it was time to leave forschool we left, but we had mo re important places to go

than school.We stopped by the park around tl1e comer from

my house and donned the outfits that we had preparedlast night. We

my Mom that I wasgoing bowling withhim tonight. My Dadgoes bow ing twice a

Suddenly can hear my momdonned green armyfatigues and lashedall of Eric's mother'sknives on our belts.

week with his buddies.She told us to have agood time and kissedDad goodbye.

moaning loudly from the upst irsWe each carr ied abaseball bat. Wewere lean, we were

I got in the carwith Dad and buckled

bathroom.111ean, we wereready. Those hands

were going down.up. I asked him whid1lane we were going to. He toldme to be patient. We drove for half an hour W1til we

were right downtown. He parked the car beside an oldchurd1. I was completely mystified by this point. My

Dad led me into the d1urch. All the lights were on andthere were a fair number of people congregated about acoffee machine. A bunch of tables were set up in a cir-cle.

My Dad turned to me and said, "Welcome to thefirst day of the rest of your life. Welcome to NarcoticsAnonymous."

Ever felt your mind go into meltdown? That's howI felt. My Dad thought I was a junkie. Then I heard myDad speak. He said, 'My name is Alex and I am a drug

addict."Everyone else there said, "Hi Alex ."What the hell kind of greeting is that. Do I walk up

to girls and say, Hi my name is Kevin and I am

horny?" No of course not. Well except for that timewhen I was really drunk, but besides that. No. And

what the hell is my Dad doing being a drug addict any-ways? Althoug h it did explain where he got his tastefrom. Strawberry fields forever hey pops. What aboutMom? Is she a drug addict too? And what is Dadhooked on? He's the kind of guy who thinks that he'sbeing exciting i he drinks grapefru it juice.

Then my Dad turned to me and told me to intro-duce myself. He said that I would feel a lot better. Hehad a strange gleam of pride in his eye. I ran out ofthere screarning. I half expected my Dad to follow me

We waited in the park until an hour after my par-ents were supposed to leave for work. I said, "It's

time.", and rose.Eric gave me a crazy look and pulled a large object

out of his pocket. It was a gun. 'Just in case. It's myDad's," he said putting it back.

I was mad with him for bringing it, but we had notime to take it back now. We walked back down thstreet to my house . There were no cars in U1 driveway.Good. They had left . I opened the d r slowly wilhmy baseball bat raised. I couldn't them. I creplinside , Eric right behind me. Suddenly a baseball flewfrom the top of the stairs. It shot pasl my houlder at aterrific speed and hit Eric squarely in the forehead. Helooked really dazed, sort of wavered back and force,and in a really high pitched voice mumbled, "l)jd youcatch the license plate of that car officer?" and passedout.

I was in by myself now . I moved over to Eric keep-ing a watchful eye on the top of the stairs and tookEric's gun. Don't want to leave that for them . I had justput in my pocket when another baseball flew at me . Imoved into my batter's stance. I had played leaguebaseball for seven years,) and swung mightily. Imissed. Eric had just started to raise his head as the sec-ond baseball plough ed into him. He collapsed again.

A third baseball followed. This time it was almosta mystical feeling. I could see nothing except the base-ball. It seemed to move at a snail's pace . Stepping intothe swing I hit it with the mightiest swing that I had

ever hit an , ball \'.ith. M bat cracked in half as theymade ntact. The ball flew back up the stairs and Ih ard a loud crash. I grabbed Eric' bat and raced upthe. t.1irs. t tll top of the tan lying on its side was

one of tlle set of l'kmds. Onl' it \vasn't really a set any-more. I had knocked one of l1e hand off witl1 my hit.Just to be sure I pounded it with my baseballbat until it 1:1)' in pi ~

It was then that I noticed tl1e ceiling nowha :t a huge dent in it. Imbedded in this dent was thebaseball. Oops, I thought to my _ If, Dad' going to kill

KABLAM.

me. Then I thought, I'll just give him a gram of pot, he'llunderstand.

Wher could th econd s t be I wond red. Iglan ed in my room. It was in shambl . That musthave been what the hands had been doing. Everythinghad been thrown all arolmd, paint had been spilled . Itwa a giant mess.

I remembered Eric lying th re de£, nceless and ranba k down the tairs. Sure enough ther were the

hand and they were holding a knife to his throat.Unbidden, the gw1 in my pocket jumped into my hand.

I felt myself go stiff as I raised the gun to ye level I

thought back to when my father had taught me how tofire my nerf dartboard gun . Let tl1e ann loosen, aim.down the barrel, and pull, NOT jerk the trigger.

KABLAM. The gun went off. Shing. TI1C knife flewout of the hands' hand. The thing started hopping

away madly. Slowly moly I walked down the stclirs. Iwalked down two stairs, stopped, aimed, and took fireBlam, I winged it, one of the fingers flew off. I walkeddown a up1e more t ps and fired again. This time Ihit it at its base. It couldn't hop now but it was till t r y

.ing to drag itself out of the room. I started firing aswalked. Three shots rang out. With each shot the h ,a r t .

degenerated . Finally with tl1e last hot it just exp loded.Pieces of the h.:mdsflew everywhere.

I heard from the door. "Stop Police Put thedown "

Dazed 1 ooked over and they shouted at me,the gun down now, or we're going to shoot you."

I dropped the gun They led me away.Now many months later I'm in an insane

Can you believe it? I told them the whole story, butth y didn' l beli ve me . Th y told me that it was just adelusion. That" why J wrol ' lhis. P pll lwvc to lxwamed. The evil is oullhl'r'C and it is m)l, .md youbu it for $20 at tlw '11 Cor M 'no



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rom the yes of 9

pradeep Nair

f}\{s,w6ornsitting in my {ap.:Helps me remem6er.Viti have a efaugfiter tfiat wet as mucfi as tfiat?

Wow ..

(1\9cl(tfie 6abygentry)(Caress its pretty baM fieacf)I remember5ilirGandS 1993 .. I was baM.Pfaying a crazy Ice Cube.

can stiff Jed tfie eitcitement oj breaking boites ana masing on stage

(:Jeeef tfie ba6y)('Burp it)

remember 6urping contests whire working wardS as avofunteer.What a gas 1Jie patients fovea it.:Fun fun ..

(Put the 6aby to beef)(Its toy-·macfe in Japan)

rememGer my 6uefefyS Japanese penci[ case."'Demo tsugi waf 'B'BQjf }

:Hee fiee riee ...(Put the toys away)

(Why, it S not pfastic f)remember the rrransformers toys ... the efie·cast meta[ o

% e movie is stiff a favourite ... thegreeting oj peace:Bah weepgranah weep mini Gaum }

(Watch some rr. l/.)(Commerciafs toefayhave no c£ass)

rememGer the oMcommerciafs."MikJ-y fif:gs it, } Jl.rmy Jl.nts, ~ v i n ,ana Mr. Potato:Heat 's 'Buckf-t oJParts."weeGfes wobfj[e Gut tfiey aon 't fare efownf }

(J{ow tiring babysitting is)

('But tfiegames we pray are fun)remember Geing babysat witfi myfriendS y my unc[e a

grarufma.M y Guefefieswith me-·a [ together.CamGing the mattress that stooa on the ware in my Gasement .

(Checl(on tfie baby)

(Sfeeping peacefu([yunefer its G{ankf-t)remember my6eef.

IFie afcove at tfie heacfoj fie eefwfiere I set up my gfietJ2Lnd tfie s t i c ~ r sthat stucl(a [ over it.

(Cfase trie Mor)(Wipe the tear from my cheek)

Wow ..It 's Geen a (ong time since was a chiU.£But must say that it Jeers gooa.I t jeers goaef to remember.



scott dumviJ eiw staff

The Tripgrin and occassionly burst into a peal of way they made julie feel ecstatic.laughter. he sounded so happy that julie the dust flew up around them in awould erupt into laughter too. fa ter and giant mael trom, but they passed

ulie reread the poem which had been faster the car flew small towns pa ed by through unheedingly. they were stillh a s t i ~ ~ r a w ~ d o n~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~the napkin. in big ou know things re strange when... juli couldn't believe

black block letters it it, they mu t behad written on it going at thousands

- orgasm s a synonym for violencelately, i've been of miles per hour.dancing on ceiling - your plain ordinary black g o rbage can decides to attack your african violet fa ter and fasterfans. i'll circle the - your friend has been shallowed by the local flying pig they were going,kitchen and out the - the raisin you intended for your mouth ended up in your friend's navel everything wasback gate. i know it - your own personal version o the necronomicon s found taped to your room- becoming a blur.sounds strange mate's wall sand was flying upcause there should - you french horn is found untwisted all around them,be some other way - your lips have stretched enough to kiss your own ass goodbye julie couldn't see outround through this - you shove all your numbers into a big stew pot, stir slowly, then pick them out any of the windows.maze when i don't one by one AND they work she began to feelknow your name. th . . t apprehensive. they

h t- e crowning achlevemen of capitalism s the removal and selling of organs were travelll'ng too

rape me, a e me, from live humanstell me a good one fast . the man wasand maybe i'll cry - your snot takes the form of the itsy bitsy tiny winy yellow polka-dot bikini starting to look outgo with ' me, show - having faith in the future is a sign of a sane individual of control. his hairme, tell me a good - no one else saw that pole encased by a car whipped wildlyone and maybe i'll - your I wanna be a supermarket shopper instruction kit s missing its canned around his head,die . the young man vegetables and his eyes, hiswith intense eyes - your glow-in-the-dark skeleton isn't glowing because it's covered by a fine beautiful blue eyeswas still standing layer of skin and does not have a chance to recharge now contained athere. she could - your skin-covered skeleton glows in the dark madness that heswear that she had _ your book of aU-knowing does not know had not possessed a tnever seen him _ you realize you are not naked under aU your clothes the s tar t of the trip.before, yet he had _ Ken and Barbie decide to use your blender as a love nest his laughter waswalked over and coming out in shorthanded her the - you actually make it to the funny farm and life isn't beautiful all the time maniacal bursts andnapkin without a - your slinky walks sideways through petroleum jelly it no longer soundedword. she looked up - your yo-yo s found swinging from a peli can's beak happy. julie was

at him.he

was - Oscar the Grouch refuses garbage starting toget

wearing faded blue - you can sleep and plunder at the same time scared. they passedjeans, a white t· - Tigger and Piglet t rade personalities into central ameri-shirt and a blue - you receive a petrified fish in the mail ca. they wereplaid longsleeve - your pet walrus s mistaken for a coat rack travelling evensh l r t 0 t h' fast r now. thever op IS - you catch yourself leaving dead mice on paper plates on your neighbour'shair was ear length doorstep jungle whipped by

and tangled . julie _ Phil Eastman's shirt stays tucked in throughout an entire lecture al ulmosphcrith ought that he spe ds, J'ttlie $ UW

- the conditions are ideallooked magnificent. th m narrowly misshe met her gaze and - it starts raining juice berries indoors hitling a giant tresaid, come with me. - fire doesn't burn and when it rains, the earth doesn't get wet and d id d thatshe stood up and - riboflavin s no longer your friend she want d out.. shefollowed him obedi- demanded that he

ently out of the Psycho Liquid nvert ugar Product Substitute stop. he told h rsmall restaurant. that she couldn'ts h e ~ i n a d a z e a s~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ e r i d e

she opened the passeng er door of his old was finished. hisbeat-up dodge and climbed in. the car in the blink of an eye. they passed through eyes blazed a sickness at her that terrifiedsquealed off as he hit the accelerator. she s ta te after state. they never stopped, not her. without thinking, she opened the doorlooked at him, he was staring intently out even for gas or bathrooms. the tires of the and jumped out. he kept driving withoutthe windshield with a small smile on his car seemed to leave the road. suddenly slowing down.face. the car flew over the roads. they they passed a sign that said, you are now Slowly the doctor filled out in his cramp dpassed out of the city and into the country. en ter ing mexico. the line at the border spidery writing a deceased person report.farms flew by atan unbelievable speed as crossing was empty and they flew through He looked at the form with regret. Shehe pressed down the accelerator harder without even slowing down. now they were been so young, only 22 and dead of a speedand harder. they had unrolled their win- flying down roads with small brown overdose. It was sad. With a flourish hedows and the wind was blowing julie'S long skinned children playing in the fields. the signed his name.straight brown hair all over. he had a huge squalor and poverty were horrific but in a



]

e Drama Department's first production of theterm is Tough , written by George F. Walker.The play s billed as a comedy that portrays a

world of post-adolescent angst that audienceswill recognize at once. So I expected an entertaining and humourous play about people in theirtwenties . I had forgotten that much of the worldbelieves that the people of our age group, the

G eneration -Xers, have no ambition, no pride,and no concern for anyone but themselves.George F. Walker seems to agree with this view,and so his play provides very litt1e to laugh at.

The aciion opens with Tina screaming abuse ather boyfriend Bobby , who is confused andtongue-tied. When Tina gets tired of screamingand starts to cry, her best friend Jill takes over forher . This continues for slightty more than an hour .Initially, we believe that the reason for this abuse isthat Bobby has cheated on Tina at a party . Thisbetrayal is certainly cause for reproach , but hardlyseems worthy of the kind of tongu&iashing Bobbysuffers. We mentally tell Tina, So he's a schmuck.DITch him, and find someone else. U

We soon find out, however, that Tina is pregnant, and therefore desperately wants to hangon to the one chance at a rela1ionship that she'sgot. She seems to want Bobby to tell her he'll takecare of her , that he loves her, and that he ' stayby her side forever. Bobby's reaction to the news ,however, is more shock and fear for his own futurethan care and concern for Tina. Since Bobbycannot come up with the appropriate words, Tinadecides , after screaming for quite some time , thatshe 's better off without him .

I had the feeling that , left to themselves, Tinaand Bobby might have been able to salvagewhat was left of their relationship and face thefuture together . But rather than work through their

troubles together in privacy, they have the help ofJill, who since kindergarten has harboured ahatred of Bobby that s never qUITe accounted for.Whenever Tina begins to think that maybe shecan face the future , Jill helpfully reminds her howmuch of a schmuck Bobby is, and how miserablethe life of a single mother willbe .

While the script is weak and the plot rather thin,the actors are able, and the set is impressive. Theplay is performed in tiny Studio 180, in Hagey Hall.All the walls have been painted with graffiti , making the room look remarkably like the surroundingsof our Campus Centre. Since the aciion of theplay is set in a park, the set consists of the grass,(yes, real grass) a sandbox, a picnic table, and acouple of trees (also real). The dialogue s sprinkledwith traffic sounds, to remind us that we are outdoors.

Although there s lITtleopportunITy for characterdevelopment in Tough , the actors manage toprovide believable performances . The portrayal of

Bobby, by Paul BetheL evokes a mix of pITy andscorn for the confused bo y . Leanna Nash 's Jillcaused me instant dislike, and so I conclude thather performance was Indeed effective. Of thethree actors, Mercy Valamparampil seemed theleast comfortable on the stage , but her characteri-

zation of Tina was believab le nonetheless.Ican't qUITe explain why Ididn 't enjoy this

play more. Pemaps IT s a lack of sym-pathyon my part - in the circles Imove in,

people don't drop out of school to wortk in astore, an d so.l can't identify with the situation . Orperhaps IT s that I was expeciing a comedy, andinstead came away slightty depressed. Maybe Ijust don't ike to be forced to see realITy.

Pau l Bethel, Leanna Nash, an d Mercy VaJamparampil star in Tough

Push start

f I should goWould I corne back

Would I be unfufilled,Feel cheated

Nothing venturedNothing gained

That s what they tell usBut then why?

Why all the structureThe systems, the constant push

to succeedI never asked for it

I don t even know if I want itLet me try

I don t care t if I failI l l try again tomorrow, no pressure

I don t know about youBut I m getting really

Tired of the game

(Jimmy F



Office Supplieshe ext Generation

Werner C StrijewskiBComp

written for five-year-old friend)

Space, the final frontier ..

These were the voyages of Billy thePaperclip bent into the shape of a spaceship. Looking for new challenges, newcivilizations, and a neverendingsupply of those peanut butterflavoured M&M's.Oh yes, he realized thevalue of a peanut butterflavoured M&M. He used tobe indifferent about M&Ms,eating them whenever they

might be floating his way, butwhen he found out that they hadones with peanut butter, hereshuffled his priorities. He wouldgive about a half an inch of his ownwire for one of those tasty pieces ..

But they were so rare to find.He just recently visited a bluish planetwith a lot a white streaks and somefunny brownish yellow and green irregular spots on it. There were these funnylooking really big pinkish-like creaturesthat kept taking him and attaching him tothe top left corner of a bunch of white thin

thingies. He didn't like that too much sohe tried to always leave a brown mark on

the white thingies, and that always usedto annoy the pinkish creatures.One day an extraordinarily large specimen of these pinkish creatures took himand put him down next to something thatlooked like an M&M. It looked like anM&M, smelt like an M&M, and Billy washungry, so he ate it. But it didn't taste likea regular M&M. It was just sooooo goodAfter that, Billy was hooked. Every imehe came near an M&M, he would firsttake a nibble to test it. If he detected thetaste of peanut butter he would swallowthe piece whole, and make a satisfiedburping noise. This would often startlethe big pinkish creatures who had no cluewhere their M&Ms were disappearing toa nd where these burping noises werecoming from.One time this big kinda brownish creaturecalled O .J." wondered where his M&Mswent. He actually pulled out a little shinythingie and fired some small pieces ofmetal into these other two p inkish creatures, accusing them of stealing his

M&Ms. Billy felt kinda bad because heate 'em. Then these pinkish-blue · creatures came and took the big brown guyaway. Billy had to giggle because allthese big creatures just had no clue whatwas going on.Eventually Billy became bored of living

among these dumb pinkish crea-tures. So one day he just felt like

moving on . He bent himself intothe shape of one of those

spaceship thingies he hadseen on one of those funnyflashing picture boxes, and

he went. Up , high into thesky he went. Up through

some wet and coldwhite fluffy things.Eventually he got so

high, he could seethe places where

he had beenbecome too

small to distinguishfrom the rest of the brown

ish green land. Then all he couldsee was a big blue ball with funny spots

and white streaks. And so Billy moved on

through space. He moved further awayfrom the blue ball, all the whITe noticing

that there simply weren't too manypeanut butter flavoured M&Ms floatingaround in free space. But hemoved on anyways.All of a sudden henoticed this hugebrownish rockthingy movingat an incredible speedtoward theblue ball. ItwasHUGEl It

was aiming straightfor theplacewhere theymade allthe M&MsIf that hitthe bigblue ball, itwouldsquish allthe M&M

factories Billy couldn't let thathappenSo Billy decided on a plan. He wouldpush the big rock aside, if it was the I .astthing he did . It seemed ridiculous, thissmall paperclip pushing this big rock. Buthe decided i he accelerated fast enough,he could do it. So he accelerated. Soonhe went really fast, faster than any paperclip had ever gone. And still he accelerated. He could see little light particlesclearly now, and he was going faster thanthem. Suddenly he hit the big rock.BOOOOOOMThe rock flew apart into many smallpieces. Some of them actually hit the

blue ball, but they burned up in a yellowish red flame.Billy, he was all banged up, and out ofcontroL He headed straight for one ofthose really huge big massive hot yellowflame balls.Billy knew this was the end. He hit theyellow ball, and melted . As his moltenmetal turned into a gas, Billy caught onelast glimpse of the blue ball, and washappy that the M&Ms were safe ..And to this day, the pinkish creatures onthat blue ball just have no idea that theyowe their lives to a little peanut -butter

M&M-Ioving paperclip.

mKUU.-



Engineers nd the Apocalypse Don t MixMario 8eJ/abarbaVP Getting Vei/ed(?) References n mathNEWSWhat, me STRESSED?

W ell, if I timed this submission right, youshould all be in the middle of midterms.

Hahahahahahahahaha, enjoy As i myrecent rise to fame in the mathNEWS wasn't disturbing

enough, here's some more reasons why our wholeworld is caving in on us.

-I drove across the US/Canadian border with myself. and one of my passengers wearing nothing but

bathrobes, and the border guards were more roncernedabout when I would be switching my vehicle regjstration from Quebec to Ontario. I think they just saw it asan opportunity to ensure that one more person would

be susceptible to photo-radar.- McDonalds is offering CD's for $5.99. Choose from

your favourite artists. OK, so your favourite artists

would have to be Garth Brooks, Elton John, Roxette and

Tina Turner; but hey, at least they're not re-introducingthe McRib ..again. O n the bright side, it will allow

Woody to greatly expand his rerord collection.- On a related topic, some months ago a midwestern

radio station switched to an all Garth Brooks fonnat. Letme paint a picture for you: you're in the middle of

Kansas, a winter stoml is raging, the power's out, and

all you can pick up -on your portable radio is the 24 hour

Garth Brooks network. Sounds like a twilight zone

episode, doesn't it? The worst part is, Garth Brooks hasonly made 5 albums, and one of them is a collection of

Christmas music.

•

oMario -the MQ990+ BOIj refurns 0

N e . e d ( e ' ~Hq/l, i ~ ~ i $ Staf"C\..-. fa,.Coop Dl\ck . ,

GreQ1- Scot :~ -\1 s it.Q+-M Q ~ < J o ' - h e Q d e d

f,- low , ~ q i...

- Campus Rec offers line danci ng courses. at onlydoes the popularity of this ridiculous fonn of "dancing "boggle my mind , but a couple of instructors I on met

told me that they're making a ton of money doing it.When I pointed out to them that they were only helpingto spread a cancer that was eating away at our very

way of life, they told me, "Yeah. but have you seen thechicks who line dance?" I might be able to appreciate

that, if it weren't for my personal philosophy that I willput up with only so much brain-numbing tupidity toget a glimpse at good-looking women. Actually, it's thesame reason I don't watch Babewatch as religiously asmost guys do.

- Have you ever been leafing through a copy of theWeekly World News and come upon some crackpotclaiming to have grown a vegetable in the shape of

Satan's head? Well now, thanks to the power of latenight advertising, you too can grow a squash in the

shape of a human head. Vegi.heads, ladies and gentlemen. Just place the mold around a growing vegetable,and the neit thing you know, your picture can be on

the cover of the WWN with the caption, '''The face ofElvis in my eggplant told me to break up the marriageof Michael and Lisa-Marie "

- Hockey season is in jeopardy, and the eBC had putaside 3 hours a night for hockey garnes. The way I see it,if the NHL does strike, the CBC will have nothing toshow but curling, golf and CFLgames. KILLME, KILLME NOW.

- The Detroit l ions quarteroack has a three-year, 11million dollar contract. Prior to signing this contract, he

had only ever started 7 games in his career. I can't

o

Coop Duc.k? - 'he:s deadNow ~ o q W ~ ~o, IQ t € ~ V L

,,/olle) ~ o ~ He.tI- q > q l ' \ e ~

f'Nto.l:: t

••• 'out ~ e . . f i l ' \ ~ S~ f . eqre, V\o

e A ~ ' j s w e . r ~ .

I' m ~ f r , i dthe p . ~ \ ' \ o s i sisrd ~ o o d ,

M q ~ ~ o t8 o ~ .\ ~ \ooks ( t ) t h O I . \ ' ~yourO) d i+iol'\ lS < - ~ r o ,ic. j04 re *url'\i I'\'j

i'\-to a ~ I o . - \ : :m q , ~ o t .O ~ ,~ ~ ti-l,e\ o J q ~ 1~ i S i ~ ~ c o t e ~ c l\.\1Id,Q.r ' : 1 0 ~ { '

s t l . l d . ~ l ' \ t-

understand why the y' re saying pro sports players arebeing paid too much.

- Bruce Willis DID make another movi . This time,he ' paired up with Jolm Travolta. I know what they'rethinking down at the studio , ' ''There's no WAY thimovie can be a bad as every non-Diehard movie he

ever made ." Personally , I think tlley're up to the cl1ale.nge .

Well, it's time for me to set in motion my plan to takover the wor1...1mean, I've gottaget back to marking, sI'll sign off. But reme mber: Oktoberfest isn ' t just a week

in October , it's a state of mind. It's also the only time o

the year in K / W when you can be loaded and pukingyour gutsou t , and everyone clleers, ' ' fHA T'S the spirit "

Bob was supposed to announce these new holidaysat the same time he was aru10tmcing the 25 million forthe new Environmental Science building, but I guesthey're trying to spread out the good news as far as tl1ecan.

Oct 24 - Int'l Red Beanand Rice festival MississippiOct 25 - Twilight Zone premiers, 1959Oct 22 -Boxer shorts are introduced, 1901Oct 23 -Silk boxer shorts are introduced, 1901

Oct 30 - World's Ugliest Pick-Up parade, NebraskaNovl-FirstissueofPlayboy,1953

Nov 2 - FIrst pimply-faced teen is told he's to yOWto buy a ropy of Playboy, 1953

ov 5 - World Record set for 106hrs of belly dancing1984

Nov 9 - The Berlin Wall comes down, 1989

. GOOf Duc,k dead -hO W cO"lld i t ~ e Z

~ A R 6 H {-c:ri in':} ~ G1. \ " .

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Scott Howessault & Battery

sky was beginning to brighten as I stumbled home after an exhilara ting ni ght. TIUs year's SCUNT definitely met the expectations o

both new and experienced SCUNTers.Reports from teams on the road indicated that events in Toronto,

Guelph, London and K W were a blast (as usual), with groups making an

ap pearance on Electric Circu s and meeting various government officialsThere were many events held on campus, including invinciba1l, bat spin,blind taste test (for the daring), as well as those events whicl1 did not actu

ally happen (but we wished they had). Lists were as baffling as ever; onlythe diligent movie buff or the loyal Trekkie were guaranteed successThose of us who lost our lists were forced into two hours of improvisationat which point I was thankful for my checkers expertise.

Unfortunately, our attempt to s teal the TOOL failed. crust kiddinJohn )

A huge lJ.w1ks goes out to the SCUNT Gods, Invincivil, for all of theihard work Thanks and congratulations as well to the rest of the SCUNT

teams for participating . 24 hours and a cheesecake later, we were already

planning th e next SCUNT ... we expect to see you all there - you won t bdisappointed

•



On EdcomHenry G. Murch and

Rece nt mumblin gs abo u t the ro le of Edco m have

occu pied so m e of m y q ui e t time and have led me

o ask the follow in g q uestions: Wh yedcom?Wh y mud pits? And w hy worry a bout either?

Ed co m fulfi.lls three rol es durin g o rien ta tio n: security,logistical support (i.e. se ttin g up events ,) an d th e education of first year students .

Security750 of the m os t talented mind s from a varie ty of back-

grounds with a diversity of ideas unparalleled on m a nycampuses , are pooled together to enjo y their first week

of freedom. Two hundred spirited veterans of th e Engi-neering Society will volunteer to serve as their primary

source of guidance and be their first friends. To allow an

event of magnitude tooccur without a control ele-

progress ha been made in area such it inter-facultyrivalry , hazing, and coercion of frash into illegal and l orhazardou activities . Strides have been made with

respect to sexism. The members of Edrom hilve made

setting the tone for these improveme n ts pilrt of th ireducational role .

Edcom s rol e as ed uca tors is a ymboli one as well .On e of t he firs t thi n gs th e £ras h are re qu ted to do U

im press Edcom wi t h their re nd i tion of th En gin ee rin gso ng so th ey ma y "ea m " th eir ha rd hats . This disp lay isthorou g hly re jected on the ba is that th Ycan n o t s in gand dan ce their w ay through engin ee rin g. To e arn theirhard hat s the £rash must all mak e th e indi vid ual ch o ito compl ete a course no matter how to ug h and dirty thtask may be . In going through the co urse th ey d 100se todo somethin g novel . The y un d er g o trial and tribu la tion

in order to attain th eir goalof receivin g hard ha t s. f

ment is irresponsible. Arespected group of responsible individuals whose

HWhat must also bean indi v idual do es notwant a hard hat h e or sh echooses as an individual

voice is heard and who canaccept the responsibility of

being the control element isa requirement of Orienta

tion Week. This particularrole is fulfilled very well

internally, as it should be,

not to ru n . This choice not

acknowledged is the evolution to run differs little fromthe individual s choice to

of ideas.

by the effective use of

run except in resul t .

Those who do, share inthe community of people

who have done the same .Th e s am e poin t can b e

Edcom mad for tl wh don't. Y t Y £rash seem 0

logIst ical Support choose this community experience overwhelmingly inSo m eo ne has to run around, set up tables, move favour of running the course. What it boils down to is

equipment and provide marshaling . Edcom provides dirty shirts and dean fun, but its significance is more

an organized group of grunts for the backbone of the important.orientation events. 'N uffsaid. An individual can choose becoming aJl engineer as

Educatingthe

First·Years

his or her goal. To attainthis

goal, he or she must sur-The education of first-year students is one of the vive certain tests and attain certain levels of excellence.founding roles of the EDucation COMmittee and is also At any point during the process one can choose not tothe most contentious. The essential question every complete it . We must hope, however, that the privilegeEdcom must ask him or herself is What do I want to of being an engineer is not

impress upon the frosh?" In the the answers . . _ . granted to one who

to this question were: has not ace pt -- Respect (for upper year students?) ed th

through intimidation;- "Just try and outdrink us ."

(sort of a 70s AnimalHouse thing);

- Be scary assholes inorder to unify the

frosh for their

mutual protec

tion.However, these

are old ideas that

no longer have relevance. We must

ons i ous l y

acknowledge this as

our common history.

What must also e acknawl-edged is the evolution of ideasf engineers did not progress

we would still be at the same level as

AHS A number of engineering

students have contributed to the

rt Spom ibility of being an engineer .Engin rs will nm the g llU tl t run b

bt.'Gluse of tlwir choos ing. Th re is nothing mlSter in

cl'la.ing i\ goal o r drcam in co m m unity w ith ot h t pe0

ple. f the h oi e to run a cer tai n pa th i mil de, t hd\Oice to e njoy it m u st illso be decided up o n ilnd s

you cannot sing and dance

your w y through

engineering.

mu s t th e d10i ce to co ntinu e. Th e rol e of Ed co m isoffer th e ta sk and tl1e resultant re w ar d of

ment. llUs rol e diffe rs littl e from th e d e p a r t r l u~n ts

to offer engineering courses with the reward of aupon completion . At no moment are fro h forcedcomplete either task, but if they don t, they have

right to claim either reward, because they won t have

eamedit.

As far as I can tell, the maj or objection Dean Bums has

to the mud pit is the degradation of £rash. This degrad a tion d oes not exis t if th e d\oi ce to run exists . fDean does not beli v e fro sh are a w are of th eirdoesn t that call for further EDucation of frosh inmatter? ll1at role would be taken up by the existingCOMmittee . Th e Dean 's objections can be dealt .through development of Edcom , not throu gh ab<) l1tloor a radical change of procedure . Eng Soc must rea liz

the benefits of previous development and the necessityof it. The Dean must realize tl1at development is possible . Enough with all the mwnbling.



John ampbell8 ivil

recovering from Oktobert t at Ruby's,John collects hi.. thoughts ..

Oktoberfest

First, 1 hope veryone enjoyed themselves at Ruby's.The TOOL made an appearance just in time for the tap

of the keg. The Rolling Steins had another fantasticThank-yous to Merv and Dave for all their help.thanks to the Special Events directors and their

Student Achievement

I would like to congratulate the fo llowing undergraduate engineering students who were recognized fortheir respective efforts at the Celebration of Achievement dinner on the 4th of October: Charles St. On g e,Elise Fear, Ryan Ferguson, Steve Gleruoy Betcher, Terrence Koehler, Stefano D. NOrmanl Michael Oswald ,Mark Pichora, Stephen J Paquette, and Jeff H. Miller.The dinner was a special celebration to recognize some

the University of Waterloo's most outstanding students and to celebrate their achievements in academicexcellence, student leadership, community service, athletics, and other areas of personal challenge. Kudos alsoto everyone else whose accomplishments were recognized.

25,200,000

On a more serious note, I attended an announcementthe Premier of Ontario, Bob Rae on Thursday, Octo-13, 1994, at the Davis Centre. Mr . Rae made an

announcement that the Province of Ontario will providemillion over the next four years for the develop

ment of a new Environmental Science and EngineeringBuilding. The Building will be constructed in the B1

parking lot (between D .C., E3 Physics and Earth Sci-ences).

There is an article in this issue regarding the specificsof the project. The presentation in the Davis Centre was

well received. Speaking were Peter Sims (Chairman of

Board of Governors), Bob Rae (Premier of Ontario),

Fan"lan (Associate Minister for Education andMPP Cambridge), James Downey (President

UW ) , Matthew Barrett Clair of Campaign WaterlooCEO for the Bank of MontreaD , Stephen Codring<President of Federation of Students), and Roger

Board of Governors).

Look to the Future

Tidbits from the Onta rio Engineering Societies PresiConference:

In February 17 - 19, 1995, Ryerson is hosting the

Engineering Competition.

Canad ian Congre ss of Engineering Societies will takeplace in New Brunswick, 1st week of January 1995,and then in Waterloo in 1996.

Carleto ff'tm gineering is donating a playground 'to a

local community; there is the opportunity for all Engineering Societies to do the same, and the potential for adesign contest.

That's all for now, I welcome any ideas, suggestions,beefs or stupid facts .

EinProsit

Ehink it's safe to say that quite a few people had one

hell of a good time at the Ruby's Oktoberfest on the4th I sure had a great time, although I may have

been just a tad loaded towards the end of the night. Ithink Skinner and his Special Events crew deserve a pat

on the back for a job well done. Appare ntly the keg tapping ceremony was a tad late but at that point I don t

think anyone cared . It was nice to see the Tool there forthe ceremony .

Things in the Orifice have settled down somewhat

since we have finally got some idea of what is going on.Our class (XSCIV - B Civil) finally acrepted responsibility for the creative parking job of one Chevette.

I found out recently that the cover article for thistenn s Project Magazine (due out soon) is written by

me. So just for fun, pick up a copy when it gets hereand tell me what you think. The issue is focused on theInfonnation Highway and related topics, so you might

even learn something.As far as conferences go, come in to the

fill out a fonn if you want to go. Here is

important conferences and approximate daCCFS - January 2-8 in Fredericton, New

PEO - Late January in WindsorOEC - Late January, early February (t

or Rod about this one)If you haven t a clue what the acronyms

come in and see me and I'll talk to you abou

I m organizing the 14 Not Forgotten mevice for the morning of December 6. If you

out and missed the meeting, come and sOrifice. Chances are I've already delegatedtasks involved but I need input on the mem

cheers,

Bull



A ~ o t h rissue, another spew I hope you're

.L'\. eady.

Congratulations, the referendum ha passedThank you very much to all who came out and votedand made their voice heard . As a result of the referend l l \ (75.5% were in favour of the increase and only23 5 % opposed) the EngSoc fee will be increased to $14beginn ing]anu ary 1995 May 1995 for A-Soc) . This willallow us a little breathing room and an ability to maintain and hopefully improve all our services. A word tothose who supported the fee increase, I'm glad you find

the services offered of value and I hope you will continue to use them and help us improve them. ow aword to those who opposed the increase, why? Iwould appreciate those who have comments and concerns with regard to the EngSoc fee to please come andtalk. to me. I believe that the fees are appropr iate to theservices offered but some don't and therefore I wouIdlike to hear these views so that we can bet ter service all

engineering students. Again,

thank you to all and congratulations for our display ofsupport for the bes t EngSoc in Canada.

Wo w , chariti and special events are goin g apeshitBoth se of directors have been extremel busy andkeeping me busy COWlting the money . Charities habeen collecting for Habita t for HWl'lanity and th K\VFood Bank, and doing \ 'ery well. imilarly , pecialevents sent over 220 people to Ruby' for Oktober lestand a a result of this upport we were able t includethe Keg Tapping Ceremony a hope your hangoverthanked us in the morning ). Continue to watch forevents from them in the future .

More money talk ' At the last Eng oc meeting(Tuesday October 1 ), three groups made presentationsto cowlcil to receive funding. Glances are the wentwell and we rillbe able to fund them to their expectations . (At the time of writing this I had no ide as to theresults) .

ew novelties are ordered TIley hould be in overthe next couple of weeks, so look out for them . Talkabout efficiency, buy your family's and friend ' XMASgifts in one stop. Come in to the Orifice and ask Bettyto model all our new wears .

Finally, by the time this issue is published the budgetshould have passed council (Tue day Octob er 18).Each directorship will know how much they hav e beenallotted and don't worry , I'll remind you when you ' regetting dose to your limit. Also, a reminder, expenseforms are due in each week by Wednesday and checkswill be available the following Friday . (amounts under$10 ca n be collected d.i.rectlyform Betty .

That's all for now, so good luck on midterms andtake care

Bob Rae Shells ut~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

UW News Bureau

Pemier Bob Rae announced on October 13, tha t th e province will provide $252

million in funding over the next four years for the development of a new Environ

mental Science and Engineering facility at the Univers ity of Waterloo.

·. r r . n P l p Skinnerivil

W ell hello and weI ome to nud-teml weekThis sp w will be noticeably shorter themy last sp w a n d probably shorter then

an thing else in here . Oh well . J hope every nenjo ed Oktobcrfcst, whether it was with the Engneen; , somewhere cls with friends or with both ,long a ou didn ' t study . Getting down to bu inesthing to com in the near future : The Fall rawl on

ov. 4 , g t your tickets now in the Orifi , it's goingbe a blast. The famous Bnmswick House road trip wibe held this ternl on ovember 10th. The Bnmny roatrip is a lnU -t - this is not ju t another bar, it's a leg nThis is a place for drinkers and no n -drinkers, comewatcll your friend make fools of themselves aknowcouple of people who have done it in the pa s t, yourtruly included). So if you think you're ready o swimwi t h the big fish, come on out . Well good luck omidtenns and see you at the Hallowe' en Pub.

Math Computer Bldg.Room 2018Mon-Fri lOam-3pmTel: 888-4636

The new six-storey Envirorm lental Science and Engineering facility will add 13,880square metres of teaching and research space for environmental issues relatin g to waterquality and suppl y. In additio n to th e Waterloo Centre for Groundwater Researcil, thebuilding willho use the Risk Research Institute and the environmental component of theBiotechnology Resea rch Centre. It will also be the focus for four undergraduate programs: Geological Engineering, Environmental Engineering, Environm nml Science,and Environmental Hydro geo logy.

nnouncing th •••

"More than 375 jobs will be created in Waterloo Region as a result of this strategicinvestment in post-secondary education and in Ontario's environme ntal researd l in frastructure," said Premier Rae . "This buildin g will enab le the University of Waterloo to doessential basic researcil, d eve lop innovativ e teclmologies in the environm ental sciences,and create new and valuable learning opportunities for stud en ts who will be em ployedin this important and growing field of study."

It is expected the new Environmental Science and Engineering Building will have amagnetic effect for the Wa t erloo Region, facilita ting the growth of m ore inn ova tive environmental technologies and fostering additional productive links with the commwuty.

"Concern for the quality of our environment and the prot ect ion of our naturalresources continues to grow," said Associate Minister of Education and Training, MikeFarnan. "Through this investment we are helping the University of Waterloo to enhanceits ties with indu stry and to further its leadership role in the de v elopment and commercialization of new and innovative technologies that will hopefully lead to the improvement of the environment."

'The Environmental Science and Engineering Building is a tremendously importantaddition to the University of Waterloo," said UW president James Downey. " Over 100researchers at UW identify environmentally related projects as a primary focus for theirresearch programs. The Environmental Science and Engineering Building will bedesigned for interdisciplinary teaclung and research in the faculties of science and engineering, taking into account, where possible, the interests of researchers in other facuI-ties.

Construction should begin in 1995-96 and should take 18 to 24 months to complete .

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The Iron Warrior Magazine: Volume 3, Issue 2

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