The Fuddler February 2009

NOW HERE! - DMC SILKSAida, evenweave,

Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Cardmaking & Scrapbooking Supplies Helium & Latex Balloons, Banners & Table Confetti Robin, Wendy & Rico knitting wool & Patterns

Coming Soon:- Sirdar Wool and Quilting Supplies

Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

THE DROVERS ARMS INDIAN RESTAURANT Flitwick Road, Steppingley, Beds

Fine Dining and Take Away Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

THE WHITE HART HOTEL OF AMPTHILL 10 Luxurious en suite double rooms from £59.95

including full English breakfast Tel: 01525 406863

www.whitehartampthill.co.uk

PURE BAR AND NIGHTCLUB OF BEDFORD Presents live ‘Lemar’ on 14th February

£10.00 ticket price on the door all night - last entry 1.00 Tel: 01234 354102

www.purebarandclub.com

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

R.P.P.T (Registered Professional Pest Technician) Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Fully Insured Special Rate

for OAPS! Free Estimate01525 288207 07500 431131

Do you need a venue for a Friday or

Saturday night party?

Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar,

excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

Please turn to our ad

on page 24

Plus - All aspects of

home security

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 18

Hel lo young l ove r s wherever you are and a huge welcome to this packed edition of your Fuddler! There’s all your usual fun and nonsense inside with all your favourite characters plus one or two surprises too! We hope you enjoy the

edition and don’t forget to carefully look at what our advertisers are saying because - you know it - ‘whatever you’re looking for you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’

If you would like to advertise with us all our contact details are on page 4.

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Winter now firmly here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie has received an enormous number of thank you cards from wives since their husbands have had a meal in the Dew Drop ...

...They now appreciate how good their wife's cooking is!

The Templefield Association (Registered Charity no 1091051) are organising two events in February to raise funds for Templefield Lower School in Flitwick. Firstly, there is to be an adults Quiz Night on Saturday 7th February at the School. Starting at 7.00 pm entrance is £5.00 per ticket which includes sausage and chips supper, and you are invited to bring your own drink along if you wish. Tickets are available from the School office. Secondly there is to be a Jumble Sale at Flitwick Village Hall on Saturday 21st February from 1.00 pm - 3.00 pm.

The Joy of Painting You too can experience …

Have a wonderful day learning this special Wet-on-Wet oil painting technique.

No experience necessary! This is a great painting technique for those who have never painted

before. (Ages 9 - 90)

Never more than 3 in a class, so personal attention assured!

All equipment, paint & canvasses provided.

‘Paint a beautiful picture the very 1st time!’

Mike Cox, C.R.I. 01525 280849 for details

14 Church Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 406456

See our full range at www.ampthillwoodfloors.co.uk

Ampthill Wood Floors is a company specialising in solid and engineered hardwood flooring for the last 10 years. We take pride in genuine quality and we offer a friendly and efficient service.

We are confident you will not be disappointed with the quality, prices and service we offer.

VALENTINES DAY

Huge range of fragrances for her and for him at up to a massive70% OFF LIST PRICES!! Don’t forget Mothering Sunday too!

F o l l o w i n g t h e overwhelming success of the 2008 Wedding Fayre, The Rufus Centre in Flitwick will be holding a 2009 Fayre on Sunday 15th March from 11 am - 3 pm. Entry to the event is free, with many people on hand to offer practical advice and suggestions on how to make your special day really special! A big feature will be the interactive catwalks plus lots more besides. See next month’s Fuddler for more details. If you would like more information please contact Nigella or Mary on 01525 631905

There is to be a huge charity event on August 15th of this year at the Millennium Park in Flitwick. Raising funds for The Anthony Nolan Trust and The Willow Foundation, the event includes a 40 mile and 10 mile cycle challenge plus a host of other attractions on the day. Watch out for the h u m a n ‘ F o o s b a l l ’ t o u r n a m e n t , B M X competition plus a lot more. To take part in the events, registration will be from the beginning of March and we will have more details for you in the March edition of the Fuddler.

There is to be an open day with private readings given by visiting medium Tony Gadsby who is from Irish Romany parentage, in the meeting rooms at The Star & Garter, Silsoe on the 14th March from 1 pm to 10 pm. Limited tickets available, book early to avoid disappointment. 10% of all profits are being donated to Keech Cottage Children’s Hospice. (Registered Charity no: 1035089) For details please contact 07813 145112

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750

“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Digital Print Bureau. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Across: 5 Edits, 8 Hospital, 9 Snake, 10 Shortage, 11 Smear, 14 Led, 16 Grotto, 17 Outlaw, 18 Wet, 20 Stark, 24 Superior, 25 Drain, 26 Perilous, 27 Cargo

Down: 1 Chase, 2 Ascot, 3 Tilts, 4 Haggle, 6 Dynamite, 7 Take away, 12 Criteria, 13 Starting, 14 Low, 15 Dot, 19 Etudes, 21 Remit, 22 Pilot, 23 Crash

A BRIANISM

I’m against the new runway at Heathrow. I think the rot set in when they started with the railways.

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

Check-It-Out, Duster and myself were watching

some ghastly TV programme or another and

the particular scene showed the cast dining and

drinking wine. It was outrageous - does not the producer have any idea? A glass of wine should never be more than two thirds

full, and held by the stem whilst drinking. Not gulped down as if one had been in

the desert for hours! Now you know

Ciao

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern and traditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk Monday to Saturday 10.00 am - 5 pm

Ways to beat the credit crunch from Ampthill Fireplaces - 1. This Valentines Day buy the one you love a box of Kiln Dried Logs instead of expensive chocolates!

PLUMBING & HEATING ENGINEER I.M. CLAYTON

Tel: 01525 873627 Mobile: 07779 776797 or visit my Web Site at

http://imclayton.bttradespace.com

PERSONAL TRAININGFrom £25.00 - Fully qualified and insured

Personal Trainer & Instructor. ‘We come to you’

Tel: 07740 675507 See our website at www.boxfit-luton.co.uk

Finance Matters – The Search for IncomeRecessions are nothing new. However, unlike previous recessions, on this occasion we also have a ‘Credit Crunch’ to make matters worse. Rapidly increasing unemployment and dramatic cuts in interest rates highlight the worrying times that we are in. As is always the case, some will do better in a recession than others. This is equally true of companies, where some will see an increase in business in a recession (such as cheaper supermarkets, discount stores and cheaper clothing outlets) and others will suffer considerably (car manufacturers, DIY stores and pubs/restaurants). The individuals to benefit will be most borrowers, who will see their payments fall, although the fact that the rate cuts are not being passed on in full will restrict this benefit. The main losers, and they are often the forgotten majority, are savers. The returns on savings accounts are falling rapidly, although the real impact of this will depend upon individual circumstances. For those who do not use the interest they receive as income, the expected plummeting level of inflation may actually see them better off. However, for those using the interest as an income, an altogether more worrying problem is faced – how to generate sufficient income? Arguably the most successful savings vehicle in modern times is the Cash ISA. Millions of savers have taken advantage of the annual allowance and moved money, in banks and building societies, out of their normal taxed accounts, into the tax free shelter of Cash ISAs. Like other accounts, however, the rates on these are falling fast.

Advison is a small, friendly and reliable firm specialising in Investments, Retirement Planning and IHT Mitigation.

We offer a return to the traditional values only a smaller company can offer, a service we find

is appreciated by the more discerning client.

All staff at Advison are either AFPC or FPC qualified.

------------------Expert, Independent Advice------------------

Regularly quoted in the National Press for over 10 years Used as financial planning experts on BBC, Sky, Bloomberg and others

Choice Magazine’s Pensions and Trusts expert Planned Savings Magazine – National Estate Planner of the Year

Please call us for a preliminary chat or to arrange an appointment.

No 7, Water End Barns, Eversholt (Nr Woburn), Beds. MK17 9EA

T: 01525 288488 E Mail: [email protected]

Advison Ltd is an appointed representative of IN Partnership the trading name of The On-Line Partnership Limited which is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Registered (England) No. 5009271

Finance Matters Brought to you by Advison Independent Financial Advisers

Expert independent advice is essential to ensure you make the most of the opportunities available for you and to establish an effective strategy. Unlike many IFAs, Advison not only provides the initial advice you require but also produces regular personalised reviews of your Investments, Pensions and Protection Policies, enabling us to ensure the assets you hold are still relevant to your circumstances. We would be pleased to discuss your specific situation and plan the most appropriate course of action for you. For full details about Advison please see our advertisement below.

One of the key factors to be taken into account when looking at alternatives is the level of risk that you are happy to take. For those who want the lowest possible level of risk, then it is a case of searching for the best returns from the vast range of savings accounts available. Of course, the first port of call is to check how much you are receiving on your money at present and can it be moved without penalty. If you are happy to have your money tied up, then a fixed rate bond may be attractive and certainly provides stability. However, be careful how long you tie your money up for as no one knows how long we will be in a low interest rate regime. National Savings are another popular choice, especially as they are government backed. However, be careful to check exactly the terms of each investment account. For instance, the current Indexed Linked Certificates are paying 1% above inflation. If inflation does fall to 1% or lower, as many are predicting, then this would be a low rate of return. For those prepared to take some risk with their capital, there is a greater choice available. Gilts and Corporate Bonds are an obvious area to consider at present, especially the latter as they are offering high levels of income due to their low capital values. These could be particularly attractive to those who are used to taking regular income. For the more adventurous minded, the option of investing into shares is always there and with the falls seen in the markets over the last eighteen months, this could be an advantageous time to be investing. However, this carries with it a much greater risk. Finally, remember that it is now possible to move Cash ISAs into Investment ISAs.

After last month’s tricky puzzle with Tarquin, we now bring you another of Marjorie’s quick crosswords which she has been kind enough to send to us.

Valentine

1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8

9

10 11

12 13

14 15 16

17 18

19 20 21

22 23

24 25

Down: 1 Sink ship (7) 2 Went crazy (7) 3 Viral (anag) (5) 4 Disarray (7) 5 Blaspheme (5) 6 Jealous (5) 9 Study of lore (9) 14 Promote (7) 15 Listening to (7) 16 Expand (7) 19 Deluge (5) 20 Sifter (5) 21 Braid (anag) (5)

L

I

E

N

N V

E T

A

Sandra’s been going barmy finding new words! Here again is a word she’s found for us. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 7 Sheep herder (6) 8 Bloom (6) 10 Tree training (7) 11 Clan chief (5) 12 Dregs (4) 13 Precipitous (5) 17 Absolute beauty! (5) 18 Penchant (4) 22 Photograph (5) 23 Angered (anag) (7) 24 Hostelry (6) 25 Al fresco meal (6)

J HELECTRICAL

• DOMESTIC • INDUSTRIAL • COMMERCIAL

24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken

email: [email protected]

Bob AmblerCarpenter & Joiner

Carpentry Fitted Kitchens

Kitchen re-doors and worktops Fitted Bedrooms and Home office furniture

Fitted Bathrooms Fitted Bathroom Furniture

A complete design, supply and installation service or

You supply and we install 01525 405393 ans. phone

Mobile 07889 058345 email: [email protected]

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF

* FRESH FISH NOW AVAILABLE FRIDAY & SATURDAY

Little Emm’s Unisex Hair Studio

Tel: 01525 237687

“A Cut Above The Rest” For a totally new look for Christmas why not come and see ‘Emma Scissorhands’?!

22A Woburn Road Heath & Reach Nr Leighton Buzzard Beds LU7 OAR

I’m happy as I am - please don’t canvas me!

Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

at trade prices!

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK

At Comfort Mattress we manufacture and distribute high quality

Memory Foam mattresses locally from Shefford.

We sell direct to the public and trade cutting out the middle men, allowing us to sell a range of foam products at

FANTASTIC low prices!! Take advantage of massive

discounted prices only available from our Factory Outlet at

12C Oldbridge Way, Shefford Ind Est, Beds SG17 5HQ

30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.

Not to used with any other offer

YOUR LOCAL

No.1 For Scooters,

Stairlifts & Mobility

Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free

no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly

sales advisors.

Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

New and used Scooters, part ex

welcome. Wheelchairs,

Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,

Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing

& much more. For more information call us or

visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk

Meerkat would like to draw your attention to a very exciting theatre evening in Ampthill in March. The very talented Alison Neil will be performing one of her creative “one women” shows…………Meerkat hopes to welcome some of you that evening.

The Ampthill and District Preservation Society, in support of Parkside Hall, theatre evening:

“Yours Truly, C.B” the story of Charlotte Bronte: Written and performed by Alison Neil

Friday 6th March 2009 at Parkside Hall 7pm for 7.30pm

Admission by ticket £10 Cash bar, raffle and Lucky ticket draw with prize

Tickets and further information from: Carolyn Chappell, 19, Morris Gardens, Ampthill. Tel: (01525) 403095

With Geoffrey THE Golfer When the Maharajah of Merchandandalani was taken suddenly ill during a holiday in England he was attended by a young locum filling in for the Wimpole Street surgeon. The Maharajah's appendix was deftly removed and the patient was beaming. ‘You saved my life,’ he said to the young man. ‘Whatever you want shall be yours.’ ‘It was quite a simple procedure really,’ protested

the young surgeon. ‘But I am a rich man, I insist,’ said the princely patient. ‘Well, I'd love a new set of matching golf clubs,’ the young doctor admitted. ‘Consider it done,’ came the stately reply. The surgeon forgot all about this grand promise until some weeks later when he received this cable:

HAVE YOUR CLUBS BUT SADLY ALL NOT M A T C H I N G S T O P FOUR DO NOT HAVE SWIMMING POOLS STOP GTG

Cast iron guttering

Aluminium guttering

Lead Roofing

We are a local company with over 35 years experience in the industry. We specialise in the refurbishment of listed and period properties as well as new build. View a sample of our work at www.roofingplumbers.co.uk

Contact us on 01234 856922 or 07778188952

Members of The Institute of Plumbing

MICK HULATTCARPENTRY SERVICES

QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF

CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133

E-mail: [email protected]

ampthill.infoinformingengaging

empoweringthe new home of Ampthill -

Past, Present and Future

By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why does having a bit of common sense have anything to do with bread ? 2) What happens if you spill carpet cleaner? 3) Is there a right end to a stick? 4) Who is Joe Public? 5) When it is quite clear you do not have a bag why do supermarkets say "Do you need a bag" - OF COURSE I NEED A BAG !! Julio's Top Tip: Save electricity by shortening all the cables on your household appliances N.B. To the Julio fan (great taste) who tried to worry me for a second time last month - Well I'm afraid I didn't let it get to me this time mainly because your worries only came in to the class 2 bracket of worries and have already been filed away, so all I can say is um? ........yawn ........dribble .........zzZZzzz!! P.S. It isn't funny to make jokes out of people who are suffering with their sanity - after all, as you said, it could be you!

With Dave (Theo) Saurus Two weevils grew up together. One of them went off to Hollywood and became a world famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much at all. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Avec Monsieur Lolo from France Bonjour mes amis, and zis time I ’ave found zis picture of a magnificent tiger’s head. C’est bon, n’est ce pas? … or is it 2 tigers laying on the rocks by a waterfall? You decide - I cannot! Au revoir until next time.

Quiche tasting

Exciting news for Ampthill’s Sweet Shop! ...

Sweet Sensations, Church St, Ampthill Tel: 01525 405352

...Yes, due to expansion we are moving into our new premises at 100a Dunstable Street Ampthill! Doors open on 2nd March!!

So now we will have even more room for all your favourite sweets, chocolates etc.

In the meantime we still have a great range of gift ideas for Valentine’s Day -Boxes of love sweets, hand made sweet flower bouquets, gift bags and a whole lot more!!

We look forward to seeing you soon!

BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICES

For all those jobs around the house and garden, that you never have time for!

We are an established, reliable trustworthy & a very reasonably priced company.

NO JOB TOO SMALLTel: Joolz or Michael on

01525 211670 Mob: 07871 802815

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]

Babs decided that she would broaden her knowledge and, taking a tip from Henry, popped into the library to borrow a book. She didn’t like it at all so went back to the library to complain. ‘What was wrong with it?’ asked the librarian. ‘It had too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever’ replied Babs. ‘Ah’ said the librarian nodding, ‘You must be t h e p e r s o n w h o borrowed our phone book.’

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. And I thought you needed a ticket to get on Soul Train. I’ve been on a Vodka diet - I’ve lost three days already. Imagine how stress free you would feel if you had filled out your tax return using Roman Numerals. My friend’s husband is so silly she has decided he is an experiment in artificial stupidity. 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot. A bird in your hand is worth more than 200 in the forest. Plastic surgery is something that makes you look ten years scarier. (Wearing a toupee makes you look 30 years sillier) Sometimes I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You still can’t respect a man who carries a dog. Women are like cats: they’re fussy about their food, they like to toy with lesser creatures and they can get their claws out when you least expect it. You’re a lot smarter than anything you eat. A torch is a carrying case for dead batteries. 1 Stephen Foster, 1852, 2 1858, Indian

Mutiny, 3 American Indian, 4 Cooking, 5 Bury, 6 1901, 7 Merry Wives of Windsor, 8 Seashell, 9 Beautician, 10 Feb 14th 1912

1. Who wrote ‘Way Down Upon The Swanee River?’

2. When was the battle of Banda? 3. What is a Wappo? 4. I f y o u s u f f e r f r o m

Mageirophobia, what are you afraid of?

5. What is the collective name for rabbits?

6. In what year was the safety razor invented?

7. Where would you find Mistress Page?

8. Apart from the obvious what is a Scotch Bonnet?

9. What was the first job of Sylvester Stallone?

10.When was Arizona admitted as the 48th US State?

MRC CONSTRUCTION Brickwork, Patios &

Conservatories Very high standard of work

Reliable, clean & tidy tradesman

Free quotes.

Mark: 01525 280584 07811 406055

General carpentry Kitchen fitting Tiling Coving

Decorating Garden decking Fencing And much, much more ...

Do you find it difficult to get a reliable tradesman to do the small to medium sized jobs around your house? Then we are the answer to your prayers! We have many years experience in carrying out all types of general domestic maintenance. No job is too small, work is carried out to the highest standards and is realistically priced. Call Paul on 01525 751752 or 07906 221444

for a free written estimate. References available. email: [email protected]

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial

Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS

NICEIC Approved Contractor

Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057

The planning has already begun!Would you like to get involved planning the 2009 Ampthill Festival? Well planning may have already started, but it’s never too late to get involved! Why not join our planning committee, as we need help in planning the following on Gala Day, namely:

· The Arena Stage · The Music Stage · The Festival Site Attractions, Rides, Fun Fair,

Charity and Business Stalls & Food Concessions · The Festival Parade

Sub-committees do the ‘leg work’ in planning the above and additional sub-committees also plan the Art Festival and consider fundraising, sponsorship and publicity. It should not be forgotten that Ampthill Festival is reliant and a small band of dedicated volunteers who organise Ampthill Festival each year and that it is not the Town Council that stage the event as many think! We are however very grateful for the Town Council’s continued support. Also, have you got any ideas that might reinvigorate and refresh the Festival? If so, contact us with your ideas. We would love to hear from you! Please contact Mark Smith (Home 402560 or Work 01234 354366 or [email protected]). Alternatively, visit www.ampthill.org.uk/festival.htm for more details. And don’t forget - the festival is run entirely by volunteers!

Beat the credit crunch with Formula One Scooters

F1 Scooters Pilgrim House, Dunstable Street, Ampthill 0845 313 8400 07961 775420

www.f1scooters.co.uk

With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.

You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required.*

We have a wide range of 50cc and 125cc scooters, both in sports and retro style. Prices vary from £749.00 to £1,099.00 including road tax and registration.

After six months of trading from the new premises in Dunstable Street, Ampthill, F1 Scooters are proud to announce that during current the financial downturn and credit crunch, sales are going from strength to strength.

* Providing licence obtained prior to February 2001

Do it our

Weigh!Allied Weighing specialises in all forms of weighing equipment from bathroom scales to heavy duty devices for commercial applications. We can provide service and repair to any scales or weighing equipment, give us a call we’ll be glad to help.

Kitchen scales • Bathroom scales • Jewellery scales • Postal scales • Body fat monitors • Hanging scales. Retail and industrial • Fishing/Luggage • Laboratory and educational • Medical scales. HoMedics products and massage cushions

SALTER Stainless Steel

electronic Salt & Pepper

Mill Set with ceramic

grinding mechanism. Can also be

used for herbs & spices.

Full 10 year guarantee.

RRP £25.00 Our Price

£19.99

SHIATSU Plus Massaging Cushion Model SBM 300 Never in your life will you experience a more invigorating massage-you’ll actually feel as if a massage therapist is hidden inside the cushion. Consumer Digest has awarded it a Best Buy Award. RRP £169.99 Our Price £139.99

On production of this advert you will receive 10% discount off anything you purchase 10%

DISCOUNT ON ANY PURCHASE

ALLIED WEIGHINGProviding weighing solutions for the future

17A CHURCH STREET, AMPTHILLOpposite the NatWest Bank behind Martins Newsagent

Telephone: 01525 841306

Ampthill Festival Planning Committee is pleased to announce that Proms in the Park will take place Saturday 27th June 2009 (the evening before this year’s Gala Day). So make a note on your diary and look out for booking information for this new cultural highlight in Ampthill’s calendar of events. More details will be posted on www.ampthill.info as and when they become available. If you are interested in helping plan or help out on the day of this event (or indeed Ampthill Gala Day), contact Mark Smith at [email protected] or phone 01234 354366 (Work) or 01525 402560 (Home). Ampthill Festival ‘Proms in the Park’ is supported through funding from the National Lottery’s ‘Awards for All’ Funding Programme. Mark Smith, Ampthill Festival Planning Committee

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The White Hart Hotel car park.

call us today and save up to

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Inventory sheet for your own records

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For a free estimate for your storing needs, call our freephone number to locate your local branch:

Tel: 0800 0193009 email: [email protected]

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*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON?Saturday 28th February

Tap your toe to a trio of top tunesmiths!

‘THREE STAR SWING’Don't stop Boppin' to 40's Swing/Jive

Saturday 28th MarchPut on your Denims and Gingham shirt, Stetson

and frilly skirt 'Cause here comes ...

‘ROBBO’Great vocals and Guitar from this very popular

Country and Western SingerNEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME

CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds

And here’s another brilliant snapshot of things that chefs get up to when they get bored!

Very many thanks again!

A very Happy Birthday to the Lady Miriam for the 18th February xx

Courtesy Ruby Thanks again to Ruby for challenging us with her exceptional knowledge of words. This month’s word is ‘Sternuation’. If you don’t know what it means the answer is a t the foot of the page.

Sneezing

CAUTION: The consumption of

alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Coming Soon … Tales from the Hert(s) side ...

With Archie Fairweather Mrs F. is very excited! She has seen an ad in this month’s Fuddler promoting a special technique for oil painting with a gentleman called Mike Cox. Having always wanted to create beautiful pictures she has decided that she must sign up for a class to learn the ‘Bob Ross’ technique as apparently you don’t need any experience, all the

equipment and stuff you need are provided and you can create a painting at your first class! I’m all for it - means I can nip off with Henry to grab a bite and a pint somewhere whilst she’s at it. (I’ll let you know how we get on.) Thinking about it, if she gets that good at painting - the hall needs doing …

You can see Mike’s ad on page 3 of this issue.

JD - Congratulations on your 21st Birthday on the 13th February!!

Bookkeeping and Payroll Services A-O-S-Ltd is a local, family run bookkeeping and payroll service. We work either at your office or ours.

Telephone: 01525 631698 web: a-o-s-ltd.com e-mail:[email protected]

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Computer repairs, Hardware or Software, Security, Networks, Internet, Computer and software training,

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BedfordshireHEARINGH althcare

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Stephen Beale RHAD, FSHAA, MRSHMost experienced hearing aid audiologist in Bedford with over33 years experience

Call today to arrange your FREE hearing testor to request our FREE information pack

01234 34814452 Harpur Street, Bedford. www.bedfordhearing.co.uk

If you are unable to call into our centre, we can arrange a hearing test in the privacy of your home

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Getting the wrong hearing aidis worse than none at all

CANCER (June 22-July 23) The current planetary aspects indicate good times ahead for Cancerians everywhere. Take care wi th expenditure for a while. LEO (July 24-August 23) With this the most romantic of months upon us, it may be time to wear your heart on your sleeve so that others know your true feelings. VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) As we move towards the next full moon you may find an interesting development on an unexpected front with fulfilling consequences. LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) You could find that the latter part of the year is best for your travelling plans. Meanwhile make the right decision about an important choice. SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Your undoubted attraction to that person could yet lead to that which you hope for. Be careful not to push too hard. Think happy. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) There seems to be a positive aspect to your thinking just now. Could a big change be on the horizon? Keep your feet on the ground.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) There can be no let up if you wish to achieve the goals you have set yourself. The toughest part is to make the decision and stick to it. AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Sometimes you can be too obstinate for your own good. Try seeing the other person’s point of view and accepting good advice. PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) If you have your travelling head on just now, you may wish to consider the implications that this could have on those around you. ARIES (March 21-April 20) Now is the time to keep your head clear and think positively about those things that you wish to happen. Anything is possible. TAURUS (April 21-May 21) As with most springtime babes, you tend to keep a positive outlook which can only keep you in good stead with the forthcoming situation. GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Over the next month or two you could notice a significant change in your plans. This can only be for the good if you keep your nerve.

Combat these rising costs by installing solar panels to your house & remember solar works on UV not just Sunlight so you can gain free energy all year round!

We are an accredited company which means Grants are available towards

the cost of the work (currently up to £400.00)

All types of plumbing and heating work considered:

* Boiler and central heating servicing & breakdowns

* Boiler and central heating new or replacement systems

* Landlord safety certificates and fault diagnosing

* Bathroom installations.

* All work guaranteed.

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd

01525 403924 Mobile 07860 504222

www.pjdennisplumbingandheating.co.uk

Family business established 21 years & specialising in renewable energy.

We can arrange your Dream Reception Complete for £3,500

Our qualified team will arrange Food for 100, either sit down or buffet Table flowers to match your theme Aperitifs and canapés on arrival, wine with meal and Fizz for Toasts Music - great disco China, glasses linen plus waitress service included STOP PRESS - 11th HOUR SERVICE TOO!

You Find the Venue, We Do the Rest!

Call Chris & Co

01525 290785 (Woburn)

07774 205235

Ask us about our new and exciting venue!

Pamper Me!Wellness inside and out for men & women

By Sarah Panter, Libra Wellness Centre How are we all doing with our new year’s resolutions? If getting fit & losing weight were on your list, here are a few tips to keep you motivated if it’s all getting a bit dull! Weight Loss:

Drink plenty of water – it’s a natural appetite suppressant and often when we think we’re hungry, we’re actually just thirsty. (Important: only drink to thirst, it is very dangerous to drink too much water). Nettle tea supports metabolism and has natural diuretic properties, and chickweed tea is also good for breaking down fatty deposits. They actually taste quite good! Co-enzyme Q10 is a metabolic stimulant that assists with weight loss and is particularly useful if you are feeling tired or lacking in energy. Available from health food shops. Relax and reduce your stress levels. Excess stress causes us to hold onto body fat. Consider yoga, meditation, or treat yourself to a relaxing aromatherapy massage once a week.

Tackling Cellulite: Vigorous massage can help break down fatty deposits. Aromatherapy oils such as grapefruit and fennel boost the draining and detoxifying effect. This form of massage may be a little uncomfortable but should always be well within your pain tolerance. A course of 6-8 treatments is usually needed to achieve good results.

Libra Wellness Centre provides a range of complementary therapies to suit everyone. We’re based at 2nd Floor Rear, 2 Church Street, Ampthill (entrance from The Oxlip). For a free consultation please call 07786 912353

IAIM INFANT MASSAGE COURSE

5 weeks

1 to 1 time with your baby / grandchild

BENEFITS INCLUDE RELAXATION, BONDING, STIMULATION AND PAIN RELIEF, may help

relieve colic wind, constipation, tummy pain, teething pain

SMALL CLASSES Morning and afternoon courses

Refreshments

PERSONAL 1-1 instruction ALSO AVAILABLE

For further details Contact: Gaynor Strange

01525 716891

www.gaynorstrange.co.uk email:[email protected]

HOLISTIC MASSAGE Deep tissue massage

Full body massage

Advanced massage

Massage for areas of stress and tension

Pregnancy massage

Indian head massage

Hopi ear candles (benefits sinusitis and headaches)

Please contact Gaynor Strange at the Physiotherapy Sports & Spinal Clinic

Russell Drive Ampthill Tel: 01525 841845

or 01525 716891 (Therapy Room)

Dingley Dell Garden Centre, Toddington Rd,Westoning MK45 5AH

Tel:07884 366300

Glenda & Harry welcome you to The Bay Leaf Tea Room and are pleased to offer:-

Freshly prepared Homemade soups £2.95

Amazing breakfasts from £3.50 Sunday Roasts £6.95

Daily specials and lunches Cream teas plus a selection of homemade cakes & scones ...

We are pleased to tell you that this month sees exciting expansion plans for two local businesses.

Sweet Sensations, Ampthill’s own sweet shop, is moving to new premises in Dunstable Street (opposite the carpet shop) in the town where we understand that there will be a larger floor area to a c c o m m o d a t e t h e growing number of customers calling in to purchase all manner of

s w e e t s , m a n y remembered from times gone by.

The Craftz Shop at Staples Garden Centre in Mil lbrook is also expanding and is taking on an extra unit at the Garden Centre to allow them to add Cross Stitch materials to their already considerable range of craft supplies, knitting wool and the many other lines that they stock. Our very best to both!

INNOVATIONS

fixed price aerial installations

poor reception specialists sky repairs & installations digital aerials freeview systems plasma installations A family run company with over 15 years experience Registered Digital UK installer, NVQ qualified

01525 84101716 Chiltern Close Ampthill Beds MK45 2QA

Rapid Response Mobile:

07887 710558www.innovationsaerials.co.uk

The Number 1

Ironing and Laundry Service

Professional, high quality and friendly service

Free delivery and collection

Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service

For further information contact

LOUISE on01525 841114

The Acorn Centre, Unit 2, Station Road, Ampthill

(Plenty of free parking)

A & F Fabrics Ltd Your LocalLocal Carpet

and Upholstery Cleaning Service

‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

01525 712639 Email: [email protected]

All furniture moved and replaced Stain and odour removal Stain Shield protective treatments All work fully insured and guaranteed

Mark—Apprentice Stylist

Think hair. Think colour. Think cuts.

Think cutting the cost of colouring!When the sculptor Michelangelo looked at a block of marble, he saw the figure of ‘David’ waiting to emerge. In the same way, when you walk into our salon, we can see your hidden beauty waiting to emerge. We won’t mess around with big promises and small results. We won’t charge you like a wounded bull. We will make sure you’re 100% satisfied with your hair and you’ll look infinitely better leaving than you did coming in. We will make certain you come back again. And again. Because when you’ve seen what we can do for you, you’ll want to see a lot more of us. So think transformation. Think Kevin Reynolds. Then call us. You’ll be delighted you did.

Printers Court , 11c Church Street, Ampthill, MK45 2PL. Through the archway, opposite the Natwest.

01525 841992www.kevinreynolds.info

*Offer ends February 14th 2009. Discount cannot be combined with existing discounted services e.g. senior citizens’ offers.

The alchemy of transformation

And here’s more from Random Wraith DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

DICTIONARY: When you rearrange the letters: INDICATORY

LISTEN: When you rearrange the letters: SILENT

CLINT EASTWOOD: When you rearrange the letters: OLD WEST ACTION

THE COUNTRYSIDE: When you rearrange the letters: NO CITY DUST HERE

WAITRESS:When you rearrange the letters: A STEW, SIR?

THE MEANING OF LIFE: When you rearrange the letters: THE FINE GAME OF NIL

CONVERSATION: When you rearrange the letters: VOICES RANT ON

TOM CRUISE: When you rearrange the letters: SO I’M CUTER

PROTECTIONISM: When you rearrange the letters: NICE TO IMPORTS

SOFTWARE: When you rearrange the letters: SWEAR OFT SEMOLINA: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO MEAL THE DETECTIVES: When you rearrange the letters: DETECT THIEVES

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB WITH RESTAURANT

LUNCHTIME OFFER Homemade Soup & Ploughmans £6.00

Plus full menu + specials

SUNDAY 8th FEBRUARY Family Quiz - 4.00 pm

(Everyone welcome)

SATURDAY 14th FEBRUARY 4 Course Valentines Menu

£25.00 per person

The Green Man Church End

Eversholt MK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111 Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training

38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training,

Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

One of our readers has sent us this interesting exercise in the power of punctuation! The two examples with the same words have very different meanings as you will see! Thank you Sir! Example 1:

Dear Thomas, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours? Susan Example 2:

Dear Thomas, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Susan

I am is the shortest sentence in the English

language. I do is the most regretted.

It makes you think - we live in a

democracy - we have no choice!

LOVELY VALENTINES DAY Spoil your loved one with heart covered spatulas and mixing bowls or make them

heart shaped biscuits using some ofour numerous cookie cutters!

Or spoil them with some scrumptiously, delectable cheese! For example, the

Delice de Bourgogne makes girls swoon!

ARE YOU EQUIPPED FOR SHROVE TUESDAY?!

24th FEBRUARY? We have frying pans galore! (Lots on

special offers – superior quality at a great price!) Also lemon juicers, jugs, spatulas, whisks and oil drizzlers that will ensure you have lots of fun tossing pancakes!

Open 7 days a week!

4b Bedford Street, Ampthill Tel: 01525 402023

Woburn Country Foods BUTCHERS

& FARM SHOP

Plus...Fresh Bread, Free Range Eggs, Cheese,

Homemade Cakes, Jam, Chutney, Fruit Juices,

Cooking Sauces, Plants, Gifts, Cards & More!

For more details & special offers visit our website: www.woburncountryfoods.com

West End Farm, London Lane,

Haynes West End, Beds, MK45 3RA

Tel:01234 740300

Specialists in top qualitylocal meat from Beds & Bucks

Local Fresh Fruit & Veg

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL FARMERS

This new book charts how shopping has changed in the Georgian market town of Ampthill.

The book takes you for a walk through the streets remembering the parts of old Ampthill that have disappeared. Postcards and pictures illustrate the home grown parlour shops and family businesses that served the towns folk. The author, Jeanette Waller, had a keen eye for a collection and a particular interest in History and Architecture. She took great pleasure in using her postcard collection to document the social and commercial changes in the town. She delighted in sharing her knowledge and understood the importance of “keeping the memories alive”. Shopping plays a major part in all our lives, take a trip down memory lane, how many of the shops featured can you remember? George the Mynah Bird in Hills Dairy, buying a cake from Norah’s Bun Shop or Saturday mornings at the Zonita Cinema or going to Pecks for your Christmas Gifts. After the successful launch at Christmas, it is now available to purchase at Pastiche, Bows and the Antique Emporium. Further details can be found at www.earlyclosingontuesday.co.uk

In a community lead project Ampthill is looking to join a growing band of towns that has a twin with a town/village in another country to enable the residents (in particular the young) of Ampthill to experience the culture of another country. We are looking to our near neighbour France and initial links have already been made with Nissan Lez Enserune, a village in the Languedoc Rousillon area of France. Nissan is approximately 25 minutes from Beziers airport that has a direct flight from Luton with Ryanair. Would anybody wishing to volunteer to be involved in the creation of the formal Twinning please contact Dave Ratcliffe in the first instance at [email protected]. www.nissanlezenserune.com (website under Construction)

To keep up to date with everything that’s happening in the town, do have a look at the new Ampthill website at www.ampthill.info where you’ll find lots of helpful information.

Staples Garden Centre,Fordfield Road, Millbrook

FREEPHONE 0808 180 9450 Emergency: 07866 943977

DISCOUNT ON: • BRUSHCUTTERS • MOWERS • RIDE-ONS ETC

We can supply most leading brands

• HAYTER • HONDA • MOUNTFIELD • LAWNFLITE • EFCO • ATCO • MTD • APACHE

Full after sales service - Collection and delivery

SERVICING OF ALL MACHINERY AT REASONABLE RATES

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

D & D WINDOW CLEANING SERVICES LTD

Fully experienced window cleaners - fully insured. From £10.00 per house including

windows, ledges & surroundsTel: 07740 675507

Here we have another great recipe that us been sent to us:

CHICKENWITH AN

INFLUENCEOF ITALY

This is chicken with an Italian touch which will delight the family! For 4 you will need: 1 kilo chicken joints from the butcher. 100 gm mushrooms 1 green pepper 1 garlic clove 25 gm seasoned flour 8 small white onions

3 tbps olive oil 1 can condensed tomato soup and 1/2 soup can of water 2 tbps lemon juice 1 tbps Worcestershire sauce 1/2 teaspoon thyme 200 gm spaghetti And - as we are Italian how about some decent Chianti for slurping purposes! This is what to do: Dust chicken in seasoned flour. Fry in the oil till browned, then remove. Slice pepper into strips, slice mushrooms and chop

up the garlic. Chuck all this into the frying pan and lightly brown. Throw in all the remaining i n g r e d i e n t s e x c e p t spaghetti and replace chicken. Cover and simmer for 30 m i n u t e s s t i r r i n g occasionally, giving you ample time for a crafty slurp and to get the spaghetti on. Drain spaghetti and serve with the chicken and sauce.

Warning - if you over consume the Chianti you might be tempted to burst into a rousing rendition of Nessun Dorma much to the chagrin of your family members and possibly the neighbours!

Although the weather has been pretty atrocious of late, our correspondent Sil has found these pictures taken in April 1908, 101 years ago, and just look what happened then! (Thanks Sil)

The Embankment, Bedford April 24th

The Aftermath, River Ouse April 29th

Building & Roofing Tel: 01525 403563

Mob: 07979 053834

VALENTINE SURPRISE!!!

www.minikinicolour.com

Surprise the love of your

life!

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE (&Village Shop)

85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds Tel: 01525 280279

ATTENTION CONTRACTORS - ARE YOU LOOKING FOR B&B? We have 10 letting rooms and prices from just £25.00 pppn including full English breakfast!

ALSO .. MEALS TO GO - IN A BOX!! Liver & bacon mash + veg, Chilli + Jacket Potato, Beef

Casserole mash + veg, Lasagne, breakfasts plus lots more too numerous to list! ALL AT £4.00!!!

“All you expect a village shop to be ... And more!”

With Mavis Plimpton

Hello again. My friend Gladys has just been round for coffee and biscuits and she has found some advertisements where perhaps the words should have been checked more carefully! Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too. Four poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Thank you once more Mavis!

We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.

The club can also offer ample parking facilities for £40.00 per month including free membership to the club!

Thursday is quiz nite, newcomers welcome - 8.30 pm onwards. Cash prize. Darts Mondays 7 pm - 9 pm PLUS - TEXAS HOLD’EM POKER

EVERY MONDAY 7.30 for 8.00 pm £5.00 registration fee. Saturday February 28th Sensational Singer / Dancer KARIN BELLO

Members free, guests - £3.00. 8.30 Onwards

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

All types of property maintenance undertaken Whether it’s your garden, kitchen, bathroom or

bedroom that needs sprucing up…. Call Mick on 07935 208 306

With Eunice Eilwen I can only please one person in a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky. Then I thought to myself, wherever is the ceiling? You can really annoy people by facing the back when standing in a lift. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Very many thanks to you all for sending in your nominations for this prestigious event and to everyone involved in making the afternoon one to remember!?

Happy Valentines Day to Meerkat with

love from Lionheart xx

Why do banks leave their doors open but chain their pens to the counter?

As with everything in life, technology changes the way we do things and forces us to think about the world in which we live. Who would have thought that technology would have had the same impact on the boring everyday world of doing our laundry and washing our clothes as say modern televisions? This technology has allowed Miele to design a new washing machine that will use less water per washing cycle and still bring your clothes out sparkling clean. MIELE’s PRESTIGE PLUS 6, A energy rated Washing Machine with its 1300 rpm spin speed, 6 kg Wash load, Variable wash temperature, Time remaining indicator, Delicate wash and a Half Load option, led it to be voted “Which” Magazines BEST BUY washing machine in their October 2008 edition. As well as all of the above, Miele have so much confidence in this machine that they have given it a full 5 year Parts and Labour Guarantee. They can do this because they test their machines programmes for at 10,000 hours, they close and open the door 60,000 times, they run the spin programmes for 600 hours and give 50,000 tests to the control panel of their machine to ensure reliability. This they believe is the equivalent of twenty years of use in normal service. On the ECO friendly front, the machine itself will only use a maximum of 49 litres of water per wash cycle. It only uses coldwater filling to ensure no wastage of electricity. Both of these in this era of conservation saves both energy and money thus reducing your carbon footprint. To find out more about this great washing machine call into: MICHAEL R PETERS 19 The Broadway, Bedford. MK40 2TL or Tel: 01234 352107 (see their ad on page 15)

Saturday 14th February

VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE PARTY!

The theme is Gangsters and Molls - prize for best dressed couple!

Chicago style pizzas, music plus a whole lot more!

Plus:

Bigger choice of regular Guest Ales! Delicious bar meals served every day

(new menu on the way!) Traditional games from Bar Billiards

to Crib, Dominoes & Darts Quiz Night every Wednesday with a

different Quizmaster every week

If you’re booking a hall for a special do -

call Paul or Sue for your Party Bar

With Kerf Headcap Kerf’s been out and about again finding more silly words and their new dictionary definitions: Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage. Burglarise: What a crook sees with. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does. Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty: How golfers create divots. Pharmacists: A helper on the farm. Polarize: What penguins see with. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief: What trees do each spring. Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued: A guy that works on submarines. Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official

DOG WALKING!

We provide an excellent dog walking service, from once a week to daily,

from occasional to regular. We collect from your home and transport in safe, segregated vehicles, for 45 minutes of

fun and exercise in beautiful local parks and woods.

All dogs are walked off lead where possible. Excellent socialisation for your pet, and peace

of mind for you, knowing that they are having a great time!!

(Max 4 dogs per person per walk)

PET SITTING!

Friendly dogs are welcome to stay with one of our host families, they live in the home as part of the family. You provide their food, bed, toys etc, we

provide a minimum of 2 walks a day, lots of playtime with other dogs and plenty of love!

Cats can relax in their own home, with either one or two visits per day.

We can let them out, bring them in, feed, clean litter trays and provide tickles!

Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, rats etc are all welcome in our home!

We collect the hutch / cage, run, bedding and food, then transport them here

for their stay.

Please contact Rebecca on 01525 860606 or 077 17 27 6811

Website: www.thepetaupair.co.uk * Insured *Police Checked * References

Available * Established 2003

DOG SITTERS WANTED! Due to the enormous success of this new service, we now require more host families. You must be based at

home, have a garden and be able to walk your guests at least twice a day. Please telephone for further details.

Covering Ampthill, Flitwick, Maulden, Clophill, Silsoe, Barton-Le-Clay, Westoning and surrounding villages for all your pets needs.

not everything is black and white

. . . in Arthur’s World Has any one bumped into Michael McSpleen lately ? He seems to have gone “walk about” – missing – kaput – done a runner – scarpered or words to that effect. Or maybe he’s simply retired to the warmth of his duvet for an extended stay ! Who’s Michael McSpleen queries the voice from the back - as the devout Fuddler readers swell the public bar grappling over the “hot off the press” copies of this month’s Fuddler. I don’t believe this, I thought to myself, after steadying my one good arm to get a hefty slurp of my ale. “You Fuddler readers have got short memories” I shouted to the gathered throng. “You must remember Micky McS” – mind you, I thought to myself, he has been in hiding for a few months. “He’s yer actual Man In Black – the scourge of Old Ampthill Town” I reminded them. “Awe ‘im “ came the united response “isn’t he the geezer that wrote about mystery and magic and The Ampthill Horror in The Fiddler or was it The Fuddler” said one, hand trembling with fear and spilling his beer at the mere mention of the name. “Thought The Maffia had caught up with him” Well his absence and whereabouts have just ever so slightly brought cause for concern among the readership. I’ve seen the black sombrero around town but I don’t think it was him under it. Someone thought they’d seen him dressed in white – but we think that might have been the butcher dashing off to the bank with the days takings. He might have got into his Arctic combat gear to merge into the recent snow, we are aware he’d bought a suitable pair of boots for such weather. But I can’t go along with the gossip about him being that “White Vision of Beauty”, that emerged from a foggy dawn in Ampthill Park up by the war memorial. That’s stretching nonsense a bit too far ! ! He was supposedly sighted hiding under Westy’s Throne beside the fag machine. But that turned out to be Micky’s black and white dog attempting to be partly in disguise. We’ve tried by putting a “Wanted notice” in the post office window. Nice white card and beautifully handwritten in black. Someone rang in to say they had found a child’s black and white panda – is that what we were looking for ? Come back Micky McSpleen . . your readership awaits you ! (Er - Are you sure Arthur?)

TAMSIN I was going to write a poem but I didn’t!

Located in The Oxlip,

Ampthill Town Centre

(just off Waitrose car park)

Introducing … A range of professional beauty treatments with a holistic touch

Luxury Algologie Facials Organic Waxing

Detox Aromatherapy Massage Manicures & Pedicures

Slimming & Toning Massage Herbal Body Wraps

Please call for a full treatment menu. Appointments available Mondays and Fridays (including Friday evenings).

Telephone Sarah on 07968 051257

Aromatherapy Indian Head Massage

Hot Stone Massage Therapy Thermal Auricular Therapy Holistic Facial Treatments Swedish Body Massage

Remedial Massage Crystal Therapy Sports Massage Tarot Reading Reflexology

Reiki For enquiries, bookings or to request a full brochure,

please telephone - 07928 725581

If you would like low cost local advertising - you’ve found The

Fuddler! For more details or to book a space in our next edition just ring

Martin on 01525 841434

A Very Happy Valentines to

‘Topbird’

love from ‘A-Face’ xxx

DESIGN, WEBSITES & PRINT?

design & marketing services

content managed website packages

drop-in print shop with fast turnarounds

01525 300001/2 [email protected]

www.corporatecreations.co.ukUnit 24 Station Road Ind Est, Ampthill

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR

A LOCAL ONE-STOP SHOP FOR

WE'RE IN AMPTHILL......DROP IN OR CALL!

at Corporate Creations

Continuing the deductions we can all make after watching films: All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

I am an actress that you may not have trusted in a popular television series, but now I’ve popped up on an American TV show. Answer below. Also, why is it just us girls that the studio people are messing about with? Why not the chaps too? OK - see what we can do!

Happy Birthday Colin for the 4th!!

Jaime Murray, formerly from ‘Hustle’ and now appearing in ‘Dexter’

Here’s a tricky one: If you write down the following on a piece of paper: 5 + 5 + 5 = 550 Now you have to correct the equation with just one stroke of your pencil! Answer below.

5 + 5 + 5 = 550

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With Jeremy 1 If you take the letters ERGRO there are 3 letters you can put in front of it, and the same 3 letters after it to form a common English word. What are they? 2 What number gives the same result when added to 1.5 as when it is multiplied by 1.5? 3 rearrange the following letters to give the name of a US state: VIEWING A STIR 4 What do the following numbers have in common: 3,7,10,11,12? 5 Who’s name is hidden in this anagram? WESTERN VIDEO 6 And which song is hidden here? ECHO IN MUDDY LANE? 7 Peter picked 1 more pepper than Paul. Pat picked 1 more pepper than Pam. Peter and Paul picked 10 more peppers than Pat and Pam. Pat and Pam picked 60 peppers. How many peppers did Peter pick? 8 Rearrange the following letters to give three different 8 letter words: A A E L N P R T 9 And if you like quizzes, think of a nine letter word that has only one vowel.

1 UND, 2 The number three, 3 West Virginia, 4 The only vowel they each contain when written out is ‘e’. 5 Stevie Wonder, 6 Unchained Melody, 7 Eighteen peppers, 8 Parental, Paternal, Prenatal, 9 Strengths.

Well thanks very much for that Jeremy, please let us know if you have any more.

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With Mrs Pinkleton ‘You couldn’t make everyone in the world love each other - they don’t even get on in blocks of flats.’ Jenny aged 7 ‘They told me to bow to the Altar - but he wasn’t there. I think he’d gone out with the vicar.’ Jeremy aged 7 Well thanks for those Madam and if you have any more please do let us know.

‘I got lost wandering around in someone

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With Ann, Robin & Son, For your delectation and pleasure, here are some more of those unbelievable answers that contestants have genuinely come up with on various game shows. 1) What is a female sheep called? - A goat 2) Which black & white animal is also a name for a police car? -

A Zebra 3) What meat goes into shepherds pie? -.Luncheon 4) Name a TV chef? -Rolf Harris 5) Who was the first black footballer to captain England? - Alan

Shearer 6) What did Roger Bannister do in 1954 in under 4 minutes ? -

Orbit the Earth. 7) How many toes would 3 people have? - 23 8) What is eleven squared? - 5 9) What does the letter ‘M’ stand for in MI5 and MI6? - Murder 10) Who were the funny men that entertained Kings and Queens

at Court? - Lepers

With Wayne Torpid I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. I don't jog: it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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NW Australia 1974 (Cape Lambert, not far from Hammersley) During the lead up to Christmas 1974 in the mining town we were warned of the threat of cyclones, a rapid drop in pressure accompanied by high winds , similar occurrences in the northern hemisphere are known as hurricanes, especially in the Caribbean where they are given girls names. The “min ing to wn” comprised two main structures, the living quarters, a small town made up of about 700 working

men supported by an infra structure of shops, bank, filling station and a police force of 11 officers! (Equivalent to Flitwick having over 200 policemen, It was a rough town!) The other component was the ore processing plant some seven miles away at Cape Lambert, a sprawling spread of industr ia l technology covering some fifty to one hundred acres, with the Indian Ocean to the NW and hundreds of miles of desert to the SE. At the time of writing in 2005, the plant could deliver 8000 tonnes of ore per hour to the wharf for loading on the giant ore carriers. In 1974 the numbers where lower but

still impressive, I mention this to give some idea of the size of conveyor belts used to move the raw material around the plant during processing, I will refer to this later. Back to cyclones, during the cyclone season we got regular radio reports of approaching cyclones and I plotted their position on the map pinned to the wall in my duplex room. It was hard to forecast what the cyclone would do and the difference between a cyclone going right through y o u r p o s i t i o n w a s dramatically different to that of one missing you by as little as forty miles. If a cyclone was going to make a near pass, we

needed at least 36 hours to prepare, this meant shutting down the plant for safety of personnel and equipment, but also preparing your home and property against damage. I remember going to a union meeting called to argue the case that we should have at least 72 hours warning to prepare for a “hit”. When the show of hands was called for, the guy next to me said, while raising his arm, “What are we voting for”. It was at that exact point that my faith in voting took a sudden change! To be continued

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With James Shue Here’s a handy exercise that I came across to start on that all important road to fitness and well being. The exercise is designed to develop muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. As it seemed quite simple I thought I should pass it on. Stand on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room around you. With a 2 lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms outwards from your

body and hold them there for as long as you can. Ideally try for a full minute. Repeat the exercise daily and you should find that you can hold the position a little longer. After a week or so move up to a 5 lb potato bag and then later even a 25 lb potato bag. Try each time to hold the bags for a full minute. Once you are feeling confident and comfortable with the position try putting a potato in each bag.

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By Henry Flagstaff Hello again. As you may be aware I have not been too well lately. This is a direct result of Archie and Mrs F. popping round for seasonal drinks. He attacked my best malt with no shame whatsoever! However, one recovers and Gladys kindly popped to the library to find me a literary piece that mayhap I should enjoy. Well, bless her, she came back clutching a book entitled ‘Cooking for one’ (I

thought she may be trying to tell me something) but I was also presented with a delightful tome called ‘Love Poems’ which although not a novel, I read - enraptured. (I think this may be a Valentines ploy on behalf of Gladys). This is by Francis Turner Palgrave and I quote thus: ‘For thy sweet love remember’d Such wealth brings That I scorn to change My state with Kings

What more can be said?

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Here are some more observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: The phone rings: ‘Hello, its only me’. For the next five minutes you try to make out whether its Me from Millbrook, or Me from up in Glenfinnan etc. The most unusual Christmas present I received was ‘Chilean Monkey Puzzle Tree Seeds’ from a female forestry researcher in Vancouver. Did you know that under the pitch of the old Wembley Stadium there lies a FULL SIZE old steam railway engine? A friend tells me that she now has various veins in her legs. If the earth were only a few feet in diameter, floating a few feet above a field somewhere, people would come from everywhere to marvel at it, people would walk around it marvelling at it’s big pools of water, it’s little pools and the water flowing between the pools. People would marvel at the bumps on it, and the holes in it and would marvel at the thin layer of gas surrounding it and the water suspended in the gas. The people would marvel at all the creatures walking around the surface of the ball and the creatures in the water. The people would declare it as sacred because it was the only one, and would protect it, to be healed, to gain knowledge, to know beauty and wonder how it could be. People would love it and defend it with their lives because they would somehow know that their lives, their own roundness could be nothing without it. If the earth were only a few feet in diameter.

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As a change from her Victoriana postcards Sil has kindly sent us this picture from many years ago. As it is Valentine’s Day this month we thought it would be appropriate to share this with you!

Once again Sil, many thanks and as always we look forward to hearing more from you!

With The Fuddler Vet - Siggi Almplunger Continued from last month (It may be best to take Siggi’s advice a little tongue in cheek!)Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

To be continued ...

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Episode V: Fatter Christmas

Well, if you remember the last time we saw our reluctant weight watcher he had slumped to an all time low, on a par with our beloved sterling monetary unit. I can now confirm that the month of December was classed as a holiday period in so much as the weight loss programme was put on unofficial hold until Jan 1st. Sounds corny I know but there you have it. The month had already announced parties galore; pub parties, university parties, rugby club Christmas party, old work chums’ parties and even the odd neighbour (and Topbird has a few odd neighbours!) invite to share in an annual glass of mulled wine and a mince pie or three. For Christmas itself I had been invited along with Topbird to her father’s in

Weymouth, for the readers who do not know Dennis, he is a retired “man of the cloth”, though you would not be aware of his retirement as he speeds around his parish, indeed he has been known to stand in for our very own minister here in Ampthill on occasion, on his motorcycle visiting the ill and recently bereaved. Christmas Eve was spent doing the last minute duties that comes with this time of year; wrapping presents, buying that elusive gift for an aged relation, preparing the vegetables for the big dinner the following day etc etc. The evening was spent watching Scrooge (no, not Westy), on the television before going to a delightful local parish church to attend a midnight service given by Dennis himself. When we arrived home a bottle of wine a n d s o m e w h i s k y accompanied by an array of

cheeses and biscuits was consumed. It was difficult to discourage Topbird opening her presents there and then. Christmas Day and for me it was as if I’d travelled back in time. It was perfect for a big kid at heart like myself. Dennis & his dutiful daughter set off around the parish, hospital and church whilst I assisted her stepmother in the kitchen, both armed with a wine of choice; she with a delicate dry white and your truly with a full bodied claret. For the meal itself there were two starters, a fruit salad followed by a homemade soup. For the main course there was a small allotment of vegetables, an assortment of potatoes, a small lake of gravy which the turkey was happily swimming in on each plate and some pigs in blankets too. As usually happens far too much was consumed at this stage and it was futile behaviour to bring out the flaming Christmas

pudding, mince pies and trifle, but it arrived anyway and an attempt was made by all to be polite and try each one. It was all rounded off with more alcohol, coffee (‘tea for the aged ones’) and cheese and biscuits. To say I was stuffed would honestly be an understatement. Little did I know that whilst I w a s ha v in g f u n i n Weymouth a certain brother o f F u d d l e r w a s impersonating a well known jolly, rotund white bearded gentlemen famed for giving out presents to well behaved children and climbing down chimneys and drinking glasses of sherry and eating mince pies only half a mile away at Weymouth harbour. I shall have to endeavour to get another invitation next year to see him then…

To be continued…… As ever all characters and events portrayed in this diary are real and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely intentional

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The Fuddler February 2009

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Transcript of The Fuddler February 2009