The Fuddler April 2011

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

ROYAL WEDDINGFamily Fun Day at

The White Hart Welcome glass of bubbly for the adults, and for the kids, face painting, giant slide, prize football tournament and a BBQ for everyone!

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in for details We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! DMC Silks, Jewellery, beads and findings. Stockists of wool - Robin, Bretts, Peter Pan & Wendy. ‘FIZZY

MOON’ NOW

IN!

ATTENTION ALL CRAFT CLUBS

Would you like a free card making session at our shop?

Please ring for details - 402959

Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

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on page 32

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See our ad on page 30

Hello again and a very big welcome to another packed edition of your Fuddler!As always we very much hope you enjoy this issue and please don’t forget to look carefully at those all important messages from our advertisers because without a doubt ‘Whatever

you are looking for you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’We hope you all enjoy the Easter holidays and we look forward to seeing you again next month. If you decide you would like to advertise with us, all of our contact details are on page four of each issue.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Spring arriving, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

THE FRENCH HORN

www.thefrenchhornpub.comTel: (01525) 720122

Richard and Laurencesecure long lease,

preventing misery of a managed house!

RESTAURANT Food served Monday to Friday 12 - 3 pm and 6 - 10 pm,

Saturday 12 - 10 pm and Sunday 12 - 9 pmPub open all day

Church End, Steppingley, Bedfordshire MK45 1WA


Our Gala Day Parade is going to be the biggest, best and noisiest ever. There will be music from around the world and lots of local groups interpreting our theme of "Foods of the World"! How can you get involved? We need marshalls to help us on the route from Station Road to the Park and volunteers to collect money from the crowds (buckets provided). It is fantastic fun. If you can spare a few hours from around 11am to 1.00pm on Sunday 10th July, please email [email protected] or [email protected] If you are part of a local community group and would like to take part in the parade - get in touch. There are prizes and trophies for the best dressed groups. Come and join in the fun!

We have been asked to publish the following: ‘I would like to say a big thank you to everybody who came to the car wash and valet at Ampthill Fire Station on the 2nd April. We raised £1554.92.A very big thank you to all the local businesses who helped make the day such a success, and also thanks to Bedfordshire & Luton Fire Rescue Service for the use of Ampthill Community Fire Station and all the fire officers on the day. All money raised will go directly to Macmillan Cancer support as I have paid all expenses myself.’ David Cox - Macmillan Mid Beds Fundraiser.

Saturday 14th May sees Ampthill Twinning Association presenting a light hearted evening of wine tasting along the lines of the old TV Panel show. To be held at Parkside Hall in Ampthill, you are invited to go along and enjoy the wines and decide which ‘celebrity’ is giving the correct description - true or bluff! The event begins at 7.45 pm for an 8.00 pm start and tickets are priced at £10.00 which includes a welcome drink, tasting wines and French plate. There will also be a bar and raffle.Tickets are available from: Bows Boutique, 11 Church Street Ampthill, The Engine & Tender, Dunstable Street Ampthill, and Richard’s Convenience Store, Dunstable Street, Ampthill.

12.30 pm Sunday 12th June 2011 Katherine’s Cross Ampthill Park Speaker: Reverend Anne Brown

Music: Ampthill Town Band Children’s Activities

ALL WELCOME - BRING A PICNIC! If the weather is unpleasant we will meet in Parkside Hall, Ampthill

Enjoy a three course meal for just £9.95 at theThai Chilli House Restaurant inside

The White Hart Hotel.(Monday - Thursday 5.00 pm - 10.00 pm)

Tel: 01525 406910 Don’t forget take away

and collection service too!

Fully Qualified Apprentice Served Established 28 years Experts in all aspects Quality Guaranteed Public Liability Insured Reliable Professional Service Interior & Exterior FREE ESTIMATES

Tel: 01525 280176 Mob: 07759 240 414

LushNails and Lashes

Bio Sculpture Gel overlays Hands £20.00 Toes £15.00 Hands and Toes £30.00 (together)

Manicure £15.00 Pedicure £18.00

Individual Eyelash Extensions Full set £40.00 * Glue test required Maintenance £20.00 Based in Flitwick, call Alison today

07956 467352

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750


“The Fuddler” i s pub l i she d by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I was in a local hostelry recently chatting to

Duster, Check-It-Out, others in the

assembled company and anyone else who would

listen when Gracie suggested that I

should perhaps see Nanny and have a

volume control fitted as it would appear

that I was conversing rather loudly.

Such impertinence. Ciao

Across: 1 Plausible, 8 Lured, 9 Premature, 10 Tor, 11 Rear, 12 Cheats, 14 Seesaw, 15 Voices, 18 Estate, 19 Eric, 21 Nap, 23 Indignant, 24 Bacon, 25 Grovelled

Down: 1 Paper, 2 Average, 3 Sham, 4 Boughs, 5 Elevator, 6 Brats, 7 Address, 13 Farthing, 14 Stand by, 16 Curtail, 17 Studio, 18 Epoch, 20 Cited, 22 Ogle

A BRIANISM I went to the Doctor’s and he listened to my

chest. He said breathe in and out.

I said I am.

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern andtraditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

Install a wood

burningstove and

turn off your

centralheating this

Spring

Accountancy ServicesFull Management Accounts, Book-keeping, VAT,

Self Assessments, C.I.S. etc. Professional discreet service at local rates. (Ampthill based).

Also available for temporary assignments: Month- end, Year-end etc

Tel: 079 123 04517 [email protected]

ANTIQUES TO SELL?

Talk to Elfyn at Town Hall Antiques. Established in 1993 we are always looking to buy,

from single items to whole collections. Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Every Day

Tel: 01525 290950 email: [email protected]


Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319 email: [email protected] Facebook Engine & Tender - Bar

NOW EXTRA CHOICE OF REAL ALES IPA, Old Speckled Hen + 2 Weekly Guest Ales

WATCH ALL LIVE SPORTS EVENTS IN HD

ON UK SKY SPORTS / ESPN

Great Value Quality Food Served Monday to Friday 12.00 - 2.00

Plus ... Great new evening menu served Monday - Thursday 5.00 - 8.00

Choice of 6 meals all at £5.00 each!

29th April

Join us for a

Royal

Wedding

Garden Party!

Sunday April 24th

EASTER QUIZ NIGHT

Cash Prizes!

Bank Holiday Monday BBQ’S

are back

Hello Shannon


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7 8

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21 22 23 24

25 26 27 28

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Marjorie is back amongst us again with another of her quick crosswords

Asparagus

A

P

S

S

A A

UG

R

Sandra’s working her way through her new big book (dictionary?) so she’s found lots more words for us! See whether or not this one jumps put at you. (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 1 Lashes (5) 4 Tintinnabulate (5) 10 Tall tower (7) 11 Rush like plant (5) 12 Acerbates (5) 13 Graceful (7) 15 Indolent (4) 17 Recede (5) 19 Flower (5) 22 Verdi Opera (4) 25 Worry (7) 27 Dull (5) 29 Carte (5) anag 30 Male fowl (7) 31 Charges (5) 32 Agonise (5)

Down: 2 Epitome (5) 3 Place (7) 5 Celerity (5) 6 Conciliate (7) 7 Money lending (5) 8 Gloat (5) 9 Insignificant (5) 14 Heavy metal (4) 16 Cherished (4) 18 Slavery (7) 20 Defender (7) 21 Steep slope (5) 23 Dormant (5) 24 Revere (5) 26 Record (5) 28 Courtyard (50

BOB AMBLERHOME DESIGNS

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THE GREEN MAN, EVERSHOLT, PRESENTS...

FOOD • FUN • LIVE MUSIC • BEER!

THREE-DAY BEER & SAUSAGE FESTIVAL

MAYDAY WEEKEND 2011SATURDAY 30 APRIL • SUNDAY 1 MAY • MONDAY 2 MAY

The Green Man, Eversholt MK17 9DU • 01525 288111

Saturday 30 April

12pm 25 ales & ciders • 10 varieties of sausage •

Stands with jewellery, scarves & handmade gifts

3pm Pig Roast

7pm Live music from The Codebreakers

Sunday 1 May

12pm Beer & Sausages

3pm Pig Roast

4pm Live music from Junkyard

7.30pm Live music from The Misfitz

Monday 2nd May

12pm Beer, Sausages & Pig Roast

RAISING MONEY FOR HELP FOR HEROES

Help for Heroes is strictly non-political and non-critical; we simply want to help. We believe that anyone who volunteers

to serve in time of war, knowing that they may risk all, is a hero. These are ordinary people doing extraordinary things

and some of them are living with the consequences of their service for life. We may not be able to prevent our soldiers

from being wounded, but together we can help them get better.


Benedictus of the ‘9Tails’..........

Benny was now extremely confused…everywhere looked the same yet somehow different so in order to try and get his bearings he slinked back to the front of the church. As he did so, something glistening lying at the side of the great front door caught his eye…it was not there before…or was it? He strolled over and saw a golden key…he gingerly put out his paw to touch it, when it slowly lifted from the ground and in a series of twisting movements lodged itself into the open church door key hole…the door slammed shut and the key started to turn…once…twice…three

times and on and on till it had turned twenty times. The door slowly opened … Benny slunk in and the great door closed slowly and silently behind him. He had in his mind to return to the safety of the Chantry Chapel and who knows, Uncle Abraham might be there again...but wait a minute …there was no Chantry Chapel…it had gone…in its place was another aisle and people were t h e r e c h a n t i n g i n prayer….Benny did not want to be seen so he moved stealthily to the back of the church when once again he heard the sound of horses hooves coming towards the church but this time they did not disappear, they thundered on right up to the church door followed by the sound of men’s gruff voices….the chanting stopped

as the great door was flung open and men moved in demanding that the people leave at once. The people did not need to be asked twice …they fled. The men then proceeded to fill large cloth bags with all the beautiful ornaments of the church…there was total confusion and then it happened…….Benny was noticed and a large burly man came striding towards him and within a scoop Benny himself was bundled into one of these cloth bags. It was now dark and he was very, very frightened but powerless to do anything. What seemed like hours Benny was tossed about in that sack as he travelled with the burly man on horse back, to heaven knows where. What would happen to him? All Benny

could think about was the fact that he had left the key behind. Would he now like Great Uncle Abraham be lost in time for ever? Suddenly all movement stopped…the sack was opened and Benny lifted gently out to the squeals of delight of three young children…he need not have worried he was to be s a f e … b u t w h e r e w a s he?..........................

‘I fink I’ve done somefink silly again - after the soap incident I’ve now flushed my comb down the loo.’

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]

Nik Martin GHSC Registered Counsellor & Hypnotherapist

Phobias, anxiety, stress, depression, addictions, confidence, relationship and sleep problems

Evening & Saturday appointments available

Call 01908 760475www.nik-martin.co.uk


Forthcoming Events to look forward to…….

FRIDAY 29TH APRIL

- Royal Wedding Weekend - (Open 10.30 am Friday)

A massive four day Beer and Food Festival With huge marquee, 3 live bands, a selection of over 20 real ales, ciders and lagers, hog roast,

bouncy castle, children’s games and much more… (Royal Wedding shown outside and inside on 3 big screens)

SUNDAY 24TH APRIL

- EASTER SUNDAY 2pm- Come along to our annual Easter Egg Hunt there are lots of

chocolaty prizes to be won plus BBQ and Bouncy Castle

CONTACT TELEPHONE 01525 405466


By Julio Van Peebles 1) Has anyone ever bought a packet of cheddars with the top biscuit not broken? 2) Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? 3) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 4) What did the Jones family do to become so successful? 5) If Loch Ness was drained, would there be a giant teaspoon left in the bottom? Julio’s Top Tip: If your name is Laurence and you are known as Lol, it is probably best to not put your name at the end when texting bad news !!

With Jimmy The Voice JTV has gone all romantic on us this month! He reckons that there are 7 hearts in this picture ...

What do you think? We’re not sure at all! (We counted 6!)

CONGRATULATIONS Justine and Paul on the birth of Amber born

on 7th April and weighing 6 lbs 3 oz Lots of love from all the family xxx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JO For 17th April

Love from all of us!!

Oh, and me! J x

PETER SLADE Congratulations on reaching your 60th

Birthday on 15th April Love from your little

(large) younger brother and everyone at

The Fuddler!

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

Safety Continuity PAT Testing Call Paul for a down to earth quote

Email: [email protected] Tel: 01525 716 936 Mob: 07931 935120

Ensure That Your Portable Appliances Are Safe To Use

Our Home in Es GrauOur Home in Es GrauOur Home in Es Grau

Prices from £495

Our holiday home in Es Grau, Menorca is available torent for the 2011 season, the home is situated in an idyllicposition with lovely views over the bay and beach

The village of Es Grau is situated 6 kilometers north ofthe capital, Mahon and is approached through the beautiful low hillsof the area, the village is mainly occupied by Menorcan’s whichensures a different atmosphere from the normal holiday locations.There are good facilities which include a shop, bars and restaurantsand the swimming within the bay is very safe. Included in the cost is aToyota 7 seater car and the use of our dinghy to explore the bay

PLEASE VISIT OUR WEB SITE WHICH WILLPROVIDE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU REQUIRE

www.ourhomeinesgrau.co.ukTele: 01525 718729 e mail [email protected]


Babs wanted to go out and buy a new pair of shoes and matching handbag to go to a ‘do’ and she didn’t want to add to her credit card, so she went into her bank to withdraw some cash. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself. A little confused, Babs opened her handbag, took out a small mirror looked into it and said sensibly ‘Yes, that’s me all right’.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? A boomerang is a Frisbee for someone with no friends. My friend’s husband is so silly that he went into a shop and asked if they sold glow in the dark sunglasses. I would have taken my friend to the party but I knew it would be full of beautiful people and I didn’t want her feeling left out. If you are the boss and there is a kitchen area in your office where staff can make themselves cups of tea or coffee, be sure to get in early in the morning and hide all the teaspoons. We all spring from animals, but some men didn’t spring far enough. Asking for advice is just like waving a white flag. Some men are thinkers and some men are sexy. Others are a cross between the two - they just think they are sexy. There is something both emotionally and physically soothing about crying. Don’t let a little friendship ruin a good feud. 1 Hand, 2 Toad, 3 Fez, 4

Agatha Christie, 5 Warship, 6 Durham, 7 Needles, 8 Nerve cell, 9 Irish Porcelain, 10 1950.

1. Where is ‘The Mount of Apollo’?

2. ‘Knab’ is the collective term for which creature?

3. What is a ‘Tarboosh’? 4. Who created the character

‘Superintendent Battle’? 5. Apart from the obvious, what

is a monitor? 6. Where in the UK is a place

called ‘Pity Me’? 7. I f you suffered from

‘Belonephobia’ of what are you afraid?

8. Where would you find the ‘Node of Nanvier’?

9. What is ‘Belleek’? 10.In which year was ‘Velcro’

invented?

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE & CAFE

85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds Tel: 01525 280279 or 288282

www.thefirsatridgmont.co.uk

GREAT VALUE AT THE FIRS!Bed & Breakfast from only £25.00 pppn

CONTRACTORS WELCOME

Why not call in for one of our FAMOUS ALL DAY BREAKFASTS?

Plus … Teas, coffees, sandwiches, rolls and a large selection of home cooked meals at

£5.00 or less! Eat in or take away CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL

Tel: 01525 402173

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead

& surrounding villages.

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Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF

* FRESH FISH NOW AVAILABLE FRIDAY & SATURDAY

Extensions Conservatories & Windows Kitchens & Bathrooms Fencing PatiosElectrical And … Lots More!


CANCER (June 22-July 23) Sometimes you can be too kind! Your generous nature could easily be taken advantage of if you are not careful. Look forward to your own company.

LEO (July 24-August 23) The planetary alignment seems to indicate a change in direction in either your love life or your career. Think carefully before taking action.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) A long hot summer seems to be on the cards. Are you seeking sunnier climes? Or perhaps that is something you wish to do.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Don’t think too hard before you make your decision! If you leave it too long you may miss the opportunity that you have been waiting for.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Now that you realise that you don’t have to organise everyone else, give yourself some time! The summer looks to be a good time for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) If you are still concerned that the thing you are about to do is a worry - step back for a moment and consider all your options.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Sometimes it is better to concede defeat rather than struggle uphill to attempt to win a battle that you have already lost.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) The travel arrangements that you are contemplating may not turn out to be what you have hoped for. No matter, the trip should be good anyway.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) Oh joy! Spring is very much in the air and that may lead you to embark on a new career. Financial aspects look promising.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) We all want something that we can’t have. But if you achieved that which you wish for, would it make you truly happy?

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) You may sometimes be disorganised but anyone that knows you realises that you have a heart of gold. Don’t be taken advantage of.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) If you could only keep your feet on the ground you would progress a lot better. Don’t celebrate what is to come - just what has been achieved.

SUNDAY ROASTSThe incredible demand for professional chef Daniel’s Sunday Roasts continues and continues! We have to recommend that you book your table well in advance!

REAL ALESUp to 8 real ales now available!

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAYWith our resident Quizmaster and his lovely assistant - starts at 9.00 pm - why not have a go? Also: Comfortable smoking area with additional heating installed plus side patio where you can catch the last of the day’s sunshine! 2 bars plus cosy lounge ideal for private conversations, meetings, book clubs etc - pop in and have a look!

ST GEORGE’S DAY - 23rd APRILIf you’ve not tried a pint of our Bombardier now’s the time! It’s the ‘The drink of England’!

SUNDAY MAY 1stWith Spring in the air it will soon be time for the May Day Celebrations in A m p t h i l l P a r k a s m e m b e r s o f t h e

Redbornstoke Morris and other Morris Dancers dance in the sunrise at 5.25 am on Monday morning May1st . Here at The Queens Head we open at 7.00 am when Daniel will be serving delicious full English breakfasts with all the usual ingredients plus a juicy lamb’s kidney! No Sunday Roasts on this day, but breakfast will be served all day.Redbornstoke Morris in action!

The Number 1 Ironing and Laundry Service

Professional, high quality and friendly service

Free delivery and collection

Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service

For further information contact

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31, Russell Drive, Ampthill MK45 2TX


Here comes Easter I have to say, But don’t worry, come to Martins,

We have some cracking deals on the way. So as the children get egg-cited,

They can choose from our eggs-cellent deals which have all been highlighted. (Yellow stickers).

With Easter eggs from just a one pound I think we may have the cheapest eggs around,

And it’s not just Easter eggs that we sell, We also have a great range of Easter cards and gifts as well. With bunnies, chicks, mugs, and Easter bonnets to list just

a few, They are all out on display ready for you to view.

Oh and I nearly forgot you can have 3 Cadbury crèmes eggs for just one pound twenty,

You will see them in the shop cause we got plenty. So there’s no egg-cuse for you not to visit, You will find our offers quite eggs-quisite.

Also if you buy a sandwich you can have a free can of coke, Honest it’s true, it’s not a joke.

We have many new offers on display in our store, Please pop in and see us, and we will show you many more.

Happy Easter from us all, And if you want more information please give us a call

Your local newsagent.

P.S. What’s happened to our Fuddler stand?! (Coming soon!)

Martins, 17 Church Street Ampthill. 01525 404314

Spring Offers at Fajitas

Our 2 Course Menu is Back - Only £12.00 Monday - Wednesday

All House Wines for just £9.00 a bottle Thursdays

2 Cocktails for the price of 1 Sundays

Kids Eat Free for the whole of April

(Offers are subject to terms and conditions)

Fajitas Mexican Restaurant & Tequila Bar

The Kings Arms Yard, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2PJ

Tel: 01525 404 303 www.fajitas.co.uk

www.thepetaupair.co.ukwww.thepetaupppppppppppppppaaaair.co.uk

DOG WALKING

Excellent socialisation for your dog, peace of mind for you!

PET SITTING

Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, rats & ferrets are welcome in our home!

PET TAXI

01525 860606

DOG SITTERS WANTED


The football season may be in it's final weeks but Ampthill Town have a wonderful finale at their ground on Sunday May 1st. The club are hosting a Legends Football Match when former Town players and some not so old will play a team of ex Football League stars. The Legends Football Match will see an Ampthill Town Invitation side play against a Legends team including former Premier stars such as Luther Blissett, Clive Walker, Micky Hazard, Graham Roberts and Ken Monkou and many more. The Legends side is managed by Mick Harford so I am sure he can tempt a wealth of experienced players to Ampthill park for the afternoon of fun. KICK Off is at 2pm and there is a barbecue throughout and a penalty competition also. Admission prices are £5 for an adult, £3 for a child or O.A.P and £12.50 for a family of four. The event has kindly been sponsored by The White Hart Hotel and donations are going to Signpost Local Homeless Charity. Get there early for an enjoyable afternoon and cheer on all your favourite players, past and present.

If you would like to book an advertisement in The Fuddler please

ring Martin on 01525 841434 for all the details

Fully QualifiedFully Insured10 years Salon Experience

Cuts •Colours• Blowdrys •Hair UpLadies• Gents •ChildrenIn the comfort of your own home

Ladies Cut & FinishRe Style / Long Thick, Cut & FinishGentChild fromBlowdryBlowdry / Long Thick HairHair UpFull Head FoilsLong Foils½ Head FoilsSemi Permanent ColourFull Head Permanent TintRoot Tint

£25.00£32.00£10.00£5.00£15.00£18.00£20.00£40.00£45.00£30.00£20.00£25.00£20.00

Free Consultation Sarah Aldous

Call: 07917 727 265 or 01234 768 706Email: [email protected]

What’s on at

THE OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill

www.ossoryarms.co.uk 07711 000 628 or 07791 908 699

Don’t forget every Wednesday is CURRY NIGHT!

EASTER WEEKEND 4 Day Beer Festival Friday 22nd - Monday 25th

Saint George’s Day Celebrations Saturday 23rd

Music + Charity Casino Night

LiveMusic

Sunday

24th

With the oneand only‘Our Kev’

ROYALWEDDING WEEKEND

Thursday 28thJoin us for Kate & Wills hen and stag do!

Quiz night special

Friday 29th• Watch Kate & Wills get hitched here and have a right Royal party ... Games, BBQ, music and memorabilia ! Plus even some

Royal Wedding Real Ale!


With Kerf Headcap Here are some more daft new words to enter the dictionary recently plus their meanings! Dandelion: Big camp cat. Delight: To make things go dark. Descant: White collar insect. Digression: Welsh fighting talk. Direct: Ruined by a Welshman. Disappear: To insult a lord. Discover: Record sleeve. Doughnut: Eccentric millionaire. Egocentric: Yolk. Equip: Joke found on the internet. Esplanade: Attempting an explanation while drunk. Ethics: County where girls with white stilettos live. Evanescent: Welshman who glows in the dark. Extemporary: Permanent. Extort: Having left school. Feckless: Unsuccessful Irish romeo. Fiasco: Bad wall painting. Fondue: Affectionate sheep. And there’s more to come!

Happy Birthday to Katy for the 16th April xx

Happy Birthday to Bob for the

8th April

A Quality Job at Quality Prices

Extensions & New Build Domestic & Commercial We can build from your approved drawings or we can offer you a full build and design package including architectural drawings, planning applications and see the whole project through from start to finish relieving you from all the stress.

Driveways & Patio Specialists Marshall’s Regional Winners 2010Over 30 years of experience, we are Trading Standards Approved and Marshall’s Building Product Registered Contractors. We can offer you a wide range of block paving and quality products for your driveways and patios, we can also surface your drive in either tarmac or concrete. We undertake garden walls and fencing.Deep clean patio and driveway refurbishment services - now available

Groundworks We offer a full range of services for either the domestic or commercial Sector, demolition site clearance, foundations, excavations, brickwork, drainage and concrete works.

Office: 01525 875903 Mobile: 07768 782966Web: www.radfordplant.co.uk Email: [email protected]

Tythe Barn, Wood End, Tingrith, Bedfordshire, MK17 9ER

Please give us a call

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www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes

Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)


FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The Prince of Wales in Bedford Street, Ampthill. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!

WANT TO STOP SMOKING? Cheesemans Pharmacy in Ampthill offer you a complete range of nicotine replacement therapy products to reduce nicotine cravings and to help you stop smoking more easily. They also provide one to one support and expert advice on medication and are there to support you on your treatment programme to stop smoking. You are 4 times more likely to stop smoking with NHS support. Help is available FREE OF CHARGE for exempt patients or £28.80 if you pay for your prescriptions for a complete 12 week treatment.You are invited to call into their pharmacy in Church Street Ampthill for advice and support in stopping smoking, alternatively please call them on 01525 402173.

With Archie Fairweather

34, Dunstable Street, Ampthill (Formerly Turners - Next to The Albion)

Tel: 01525 630265

OPENING TIMES: 8 am - 6 pm Monday to Wednesday 8 am - 8 pm Thursday to Saturday

9 am - 4 pm Sunday

Off licence GroceriesHot drinks

BooksGreetings Cards All major cards now accepted

and cash back available(at our discretion)

For your everyday essentials www.f1scooters.co.uk

F1 Scooters Unit D, Station Road Business Park, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2QY

(Immediately behind Eckart) 0845 313 8400 07961 775420

Formula One Scooters

... With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £16. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon. You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required. (Providing licence obtained prior to February 2001)

Summer is fast approaching so why don’t you treat yourself to a brand new 11 plate Scooter FROM AS LITTLE AS £720.00 BRAND NEW, TAXED REGISTERED AND ON THE ROAD. WE ALSO HAVE A FULLY EQUIPPED WORKSHOP AND CAN SERVICE AND REPAIR ANY MAKE OF SCOOTER

50 CC TO 125 CC

The sun is shining high in the sky, get on your scooter and watch the miles fly by, with the cost of petrol going up and up, the cheapest way is a scooter....... Hurry up!!!!!


With Mavis Plimpton

Hello again. My friend Gladys has just been round for tea and left some more silly things that have been in Church newsletters where perhaps the words should have been checked. Barbara is still having trouble sleeping after her illness. She has requested tapes of Reverend Jack’s sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing ‘Break Forth into Joy’. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘hell’ to someone who doesn’t care about you. Mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Thanks again Mavis!

A BIG Happy Birthday to Lanie for the 27th April!

Multitudinous Birthday greetings to Roger

on reaching this multitudinous age on

the 7th April !!

Westoning Post Office and Stores

Telephone: 01525 712675

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Longer opening hours ...

Monday to Friday6am to 8pm

Saturday 7am to 8pmSunday 7am to 2pm Post Office 9 am to 5.30 pm Mon - Fri,

Saturday 9 am to 12.30 pm

Special offers in store on alcohol and all stock

reduced to competitive prices .....

A new look store coming soon .....

Come in and meet us and see the changes for

yourselfHarvey, Sarina, Tara and Kay

Debit & Credit Card Payments accepted - ATM Machine

arriving soon

T Butlin Building and Plastering Est 1987

www.timbutlinbuilders.co.uk

For your extensions, renovations, alterations, Upvc fascias / soffitts,

guttering, block paving and all plastering.

Tel: 01525 405670 / Mob: 07778 680393

Also offering:

Impressions Female decorators

All aspects of painting and decorating.

With female finesse to make the most of your home

Tel 01234 751282 or 01525 405670 / Mob: 07944 710179


‘Get a right Royal treatment for your new carpets this Spring’


With Rocky Clifton who alas now brings us the last of the crazy things that people have said on the game show ‘Family Fortunes’ Something that you wear on the beach: ‘Deckchair’ A method of cooking fish: ‘Cod’ Something your borrow from your partner: ‘Shoes’ A part of the body beginning with N: ‘Knee’ A famous Scotsman: ‘Jock’ A kind of ache: ‘Fillet-o-fish’ Something with a hole in it: ‘Window’ Something you do in the bathroom : ‘Decorate’ Something you put on walls: ‘Roof’ A word or phrase you hear in a tennis game: ‘Fore’ Something you hang when its not working right: ‘Wall’ A domestic animal: ‘Leopard’ Something in the garden that’s green: ‘Shed’ Something a blind man might use: ‘Sword’ A song from the Sound of Music: ‘Over the Hills and Far Away’ A bird with a long neck: ‘Blackbird’ Something that flies without an engine: ‘Bicycle with wings’ Something made to be wheeled around: ‘Hammer’ The last thing you take off before going to sleep: ‘Your feet’ An excuse you might use if stopped for speeding: ‘I was drinking’ Well that’s that! And very many thanks Rocky for providing such spectacularly silly entertainment for us - we look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Spring Lamb Leg A traditional Easter favourite. Succulent & full of flavour

Rib of Beef21 days matured on the bone

Beef TopsideA lean and mean roasting joint that’s easy to carve

Pork LegGreat flavour & great value with plenty of crackling.

Turkey BreastSucculent meat with no wastage

Honey Cured Gammon

Come and meet our cheery NEW BUTCHER Paul.

Mention this ad and he’ll give you a free 400g

pack of Breakfast Sausages!! That’s how cheerful he is!!

(One pack per customer only)

Please pre-order to avoid disappointment

Mother’s Day & Easter at Woburn Country Foods

Tel: 01234 740300 web: www.woburncountryfoods.com

Farm Shop West End Farm, London Lane, Haynes

West End, Bedford. MK45 3RA Open Mon-Sat 8.00-5.00pm (6.00pm Fri)

Frosts Food Hall Frosts Garden Centre, Newport Road, Woburn Sands, MK17 8UE Open Mon - Sun 9.00pm -5.00pm (4.00pm Sun)

Frosts Butchers Counter

NOW OPEN 7 DAYS


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We are pleased to bring you this recipe from reader ‘Sac’ in Dorset!

AN AFTER DINNER TREAT

FRUITY CORNFLAKE CRUNCH

“This particular recipe was o b t a i n e d d u r i n g a conference meeting, or rather at a dinner held after the daily mumbo jumbo that does seem to pervade at some conferences and other types of meetings. Following the main course was this delightful pudding, sweet or ‘afters’ call it what you will and it is an easy one to make! You need: 2 lbs rhubarb, 2 tbsp water and sugar to taste. Boil these together till fruit is soft. Take 1 oz butter, 2 oz

cornflakes and 1 tbsp Golden Syrup. Melt the butter and Golden syrup in a saucepan over a low heat and stir in the cornflakes until they are well coated with the mix. Pour the fruit mix into an ovenproof dish and spread the cornflakes mixture over the top of the fruit.Place in the oven at mark 4 and bake for about 10 mins, watching carefully that the corn flakes do not burn. Serve with a splash of cream, ice cream or custard!Note: Although the recipe gives rhubarb, any other fruit may be used e.g. Gooseberry, red or black currants etc.” ENJOY! Sounds delicious Sir, and thanks for sending it in!


With Geoffrey THE Golfer Best friends Jack and Len decide to play a quick round of golf. As they were a bit short on time they decided to play just 9 holes. Jack said to Len ‘Why don’t we add a bit of fun to the game and make the game worthwhile at least for one of us and spot £5.00 on the lowest score for the day?’ Len agreed and they enjoy a splendid game. However, after the 8th hole Len is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ‘Would you help me find my ball; you look over there.’ he said to Jack. After about 5

minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two stroke penalty, Len pulled a ball from his pocket and dropped it on the ground. ‘I’ve found my ball!’ he announced triumphantly. Jack looked at him forlornly and said, ‘After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly fiver?’ ‘What do you mean cheat?’ replied Len ‘I found my ball sitting right here!’ ‘You’re a liar too’ said Jack in amazement ‘I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!’ GTG

By Sultan Sheik

1) VURTIT.....I have caused pain to a certain part of my body ! 2) SEDALO........................I expressed my da i ly greeting ! 3) SAMAM...........A portion of meat from the pig rather nice with mustard ! 4) GUDAMMA.....The tool used for driving in nails is of a very high quality ! 5) 2's D..................The day after mun d !!??

The Munchkin in Grand National

suspicion outrage!

Here’s a bit more nonsense that I’ve just come across: While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while you are doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction! Have a go and see if you can outsmart your foot!

Happy Birthday Martin B. for the 22nd April

Investigates, determines and treats the cause of disease for a wide range of common health issues in people of all ages eg eczema and other skin complaints, hayfever, whiplash, anxiety, depression, period pain and other menstrual problems, recurrent infections eg tonsillitis, chest infections. Specialist in women’s, babies and children’s health.

Plus:

Constantia Clinic, Rectory Road, Steppingley, Bedfordshire, MK45 5AT 100 yards from French Horn pub *Not a registered medical practitioner

Classical osteopathic medicine Homeopathy Ayurvedic medicine Meditation Help with conception & pregnancy

Cranial Osteopathy Allergy diagnosis and treatment Life coaching Stress management Help with childhood asthma, eczema etc

Constantia Clinic www.constantiaclinic.co.uk 01525 719588

Primary Care Physician* in Natural Medicine Dr Julia Spivack BSc (Hons), DO, MSCC, MICO, Dip Hom, MSc (Ayur)

Dick MolloyLocal

Painter & Decorator Free quotations

07872 93803728 years experience

Honky Tonk Music By Paul Roberts

Solo performing Trumpet player and vocalist with backing tracks Pubs, Clubs, Bars, Weddings

Jazz, Jive, Rock ‘N’ Roll, Swing

Tel: 01525 404069 or Mob: 07973 971 209


A very Happy

Birthday to ‘The

Mouse’ for 27th April!!

With Gerard Boughtye

The lovely Louise at The Engine and Tender pub in Ampthill has now started serving evening meals on

Mondays to Thursdays with a choice of 6 dishes all at a fiver each! For more details see their ad on page 5 of this issue.

Sil and Meerkat have been on the razz in the month of March ... they are now experts at working the blob pens at bingo; the fact they still don't manage to win has nothing to do with it! They have also passed their degree course in selling raffle tickets.

Spotted by an eagle eyed reader who very kindly sent these in: Spo t t ed hang ing in restaurant window ‘Open seven days a week and weekends.’ And in an office: ‘After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.’ Thanks again for those.

With Hayley - D.I.

Someone’s going to be in big, big trouble -

the flippers and scuba diving mask have gone! OK - that’s serious!

• • •

• •

We’re 1 year old this April!!

A BIG THANK YOU for all your ongoing support.

Russell & the team


CONTINUATION OF ROCKET’S GRAND TOUR ON A BMW MOTORCYCLE

(copied from his daily journal) Day 5 22nd October 2010 Woke up at 6.05 am, had the best night’s sleep so far on this trip. I think if this room was in England it would have had a preservation order on it for the 1960’ and 70s decor alone! I have taken a photo of the bathroom tiles for my sister, Katy, they would certainly appeal to her. Had another bath! (will have to go steady with the baths I’ve had more than I have at home. Getting stuff together for another day of riding, hopefully in another country. Viva Espania. I managed to pull the handle off the loo when I flushed it, sat on the toilet seat to put my socks on and that collapsed, so I think a quick check out is needed, good job I paid last night! Set off at 8-18am and made it to the Spanish border, 1423 miles now travelled. The old original border post is still in the middle of the road, probably in case Spain wants independence from Europe in the future and who could blame them.It’s 9-01 am and I have stopped in Figueres for food and already the atmosphere seems better just across the border, it already feels more friendly than France did, if that makes sense. I have now found the coast road and passed a lot of Architectural salvage yards, one of which had a red telephone box in. Just had a little slide on the bike, there is a slick of oil or diesel about a foot wide up the middle of the road, will have to avoid that! I am in a tourist resort of Spain which I have heard mentioned on holiday programmes. Stopped at 11-26am to take a photo of the road I have just ridden down, just outside Tossa Del Mar. Had to stop, my arms are killing me, although it’s the most fun I have had on a bike for years. I don’t know whether to tackle Barcelona or not. I might make it my last big city to ride through, as I want to see what Freddie Mercury was shouting about. It is now 14-10, I managed to get through Barcelona ok, best big city I have ever been through, found the coast road again and decided to stop for a break in a lay-by. Decided not to stop in first one as a woman was soliciting herself, gave that one a miss. I did feel that if she had stood on the A6 at 4winds garage or Ampthill Hill she would have had more luck! Got to go and find myself a map now. Filled up at 1567 miles. Next stop was Villanova La Geltra, for a short break. It’s getting dark now and I am getting quite desperate to find a camp site for the night. I must have passed one every 5 miles on the way here, but now all I can see are power stations and processing plants. I rode into one about 40 miles back and saw a lot of fat men with no shirts on, so did not stop. I rode in and out of a town called St Carios De La Rapita, or tried to but could not find my way out, all the time it was getting darker. Managed to get off the road at 18-40pm and found a camp site after following some poor little signs and found myself at what looked like a residential camp and caravan site. Although the owner and no one else speaks a word of English. I somehow feel very safe and comfortable staying here. There is a little shop, bar and restaurant, the shop was shut, but the man in charge opened it up for me (at the back of the bar) and I bought a bottle of orange, croissants, cheese and crisps. As I leave the bar there is a group of Spanish men all getting beer down them, like there is no tomorrow, very reminiscent of pubs at home. I am actually camped on a gravel parking space, but I don’t care, it is somewhere secure to stay the night.

To be continued ...


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Very definitely not Strictly

. . . Arthur’s World

Eat your heart out Brucie. Nod your head Fred. Our lad from Hartlepool has been seen out on the streets struttin 'is stuff lately in Old Ampthill Town. It wasn't exactly the Lyceum or your average Palais de Dance but the Fuddler 100 bash in our own jazzed up Parkside Hall. He really did give it some “wellie” twisting and turning with his mate LF. She did all the real graft on the dance floor – what a star, an ultra lively little blond bomber who really is a great looking mover and shaker. She turned the

heads . . . . . . our lad just shuffled his feet a bit, twisted a bit, twirling LF on his index finger a lot and they brought the house down. Mrs Arthur wants to know what went in to the Fuddler special 100 brew – whatever it was she wants him to have more of it. “Never seen him so lively for 30 years” she said.Any other time or place and they would have got straight 10's right across the board. With all the twisting and twirling our lad from Hartlepool thought he might have seriously damaged his right hand – a bit restrictive when you're on bar duty ! ! Thankfully nothing as serious as that - but he has

been booked in for a complete knee replacement. It was a brilliant night out – all credit to Fuddler, a theatrical entrepeneur of i m m e n s e p r e s e n c e (whatever that means) and to Honky and his mates on stage.I'm not even going to hazard a guess at the average age of The Swingers – it's irrelevant, they actually sang and played music we old rockers could understand – that was a bonus. There's nowt like a bit of bopping and a lot of smooching to revive the blood pressure. The memories came flooding back of a not such a misspent youth as my old man used to accuse me of. At least this time there was

no rush to grab a girl and catch the last bus home. It was me and Mrs. Arthur climbing up Park Hill to home at midnight. That's the reason for the knee replacement ! ! As an aside – but of equal importance – who says advertising doesn't pay ? Having spent most of my life in the business, after I got too old to bop and smooch, I've l e a r n e d t h a t q u a l i t y advertising of a quality product works all the time. Within twelve hours of the March Fuddler hitting the streets I'd booked ourselves a Mediterranean holiday. Seriously folks – in between the columns of literary rubbish that holds Fuddler pages together, there is some really good quality creative stuff.

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Madeleine Phillips Interiors provide a complete solution for creating attractive hand finished window dressings

Madeleine Phillips InteriorsHighfield House Church Road Westoning Bedfordshire MK45 5JWTelephone 01525-718729 Fax 01525- 714332E-mail [email protected]

The best isn’t always the most expensive.

BIO SCULPTURE GEL OVERLAYS INDIVIDUAL EYELASH EXTENSIONS FRENCH FINISH HANDS £22.00 GLUE TEST REQUIRED FEET £17.00 FULL SET 2 HOURS £40.00 HANDS & FEET £34.00 INFILLS 1 HOUR £20.00 45 MINS £15.00 COLOUR FINISH HANDS £20.00 FEET £15.00 HHD BROWS TREATMENT £20.00 HANDS & FEET £30.00 PATCH TEST REQUIRED SCULPTURE/REPAIR £2.50 NUBAR GELICURE HANDS £15.00 FEET £10.00 MANICURE WITH WARM MITT TREATMENT £15.00 PEDICURE WITH FOOT SPA TREATMENT £18.00

THREADING EYEBROWS £3.50UPPER LIP £2.50CHIN £3.50NECK £3.50SIDE OF FACE £4.00WHOLE FACE £12.00 WAXINGBROWS £4.00 UPPER LIP £4.00 UNDER ARM £8.00 HALF LEG £10.00FULL LEG £18.00BIKINI £10.00

Special Offers and Loyalty Card

Paula 07981 478149 1 Woodcock Walk, Flitwick. MK45 1RD


Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

With Lauren Louella Boughalls Greetings again to everyone and thank you all so much for entering my little competition. Congratulations to Geoff and everyone else who correctly identified last month's photo as being part of the Drovers Arms at Steppingley. Algi and I had hoped to introduce a new twist with our photographs but this is not quite ready! (Hopefully next month.) In the meantime we’ve been out cycling again and found this building for this month’s poser - where do you think it is? (You might get a cup of tea here!)

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Saturday 28th May sees the famous Ampthill 3 legged beer race which raises a tremendous amount of money each year for the Gambia and local charities. As this year will be the 11th such event the organisers are hoping for a record turn out. Sponsorship forms will be available soon from the pubs in Ampthill, or alternatively you could download a form at www.ampthillthreeleggedrace.com. So if you plan to take part in the race, now is the time to get your sponsorship and your costumes sorted out! You’ll also find full details on posters which will shortly be around the town. The day promises to be full of fun with the race commencing at the Engine and Tender at 12.00 where competitors can register from 11.00.

LOOK WHO’S 50 on the 2nd MAY!! Congratulations Nick Ashton on this remarkable achievement! Love from the archaeological people!

MANY CONGRATULATIONS TO PRINCE WILLIAM AND CATHERINE ON YOUR

FORTHCOMING WEDDING ON THE 29th APRIL

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or visit us at www.claydonmicrogeneration.co.uk

For more information or to arrange a survey please call us now on 01296 434 611

On behalf of everyone at The Fuddler a huge thank you to everyone involved in our Charity dance in March and, of course, to all of you who came along to support the event! You’ll be pleased to know that we raised £447.33 for Alzheimer’s research!


He was so ugly that the demons themselves would have had to question the existence of a benign deity. He stood transfixed, almost as if he had seen a supernatural being, when in fact he had merely observed the membership of the assembled company in the depths of their self created silliness. After a moment or two, as the shadows created by movements within the tavern seemed to extend themselves about him and hover about his very soul, he took half a pace toward the mayhem he had thus far been too afraid to be part of last he would be inextricably drawn into a web of confusion from which there could be no escape. Still struck dumb, a stranger relieved the man’s ineptitude at opening a conversation by uttering the simple greeting ‘Hello. Can we help you?’

P o s s i b l y e x p e c t i n g vituperance and standing as if o n e f o o t h a d b e e n inexplicably nailed to the creaking timbers of the ancient floors, he muttered unintelligibly, clearly seeking to vocalise his onward goal for reception of the documents he clutched so carefully to his breast. Finally, he was able to communicate his wishes to fulf i l his contractual obligations, having accepted responsibili ty for the documents in the first instance. Directing the man toward the conclusion of his delivering agenda, one of the group described the location of his final destination. Execrating, he turned on his heel, perhaps fearful that such demons that he had imagined he had observed within the establishment would plunder his precious cargo, and fled.

With apologies to Dean Koontz

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training

38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training,

Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU


Hi! You will find me on your television sets in a curious US programme that finds the answers in a way that others may find a little bit mental! (And that’s a big, big clue!) But who am I? You’ll find the answer at the foot of the page.

Amanda Righetti from The Mentalist

1) ‘I like the steaks there - they’re all meaty.’

2) ‘My first child was born a week late, the second was 4 days early and the third arrived on her birthday.’

3) ‘At the Bangers and Mash night - do we get bangers and mash?’

4) ‘My Mum was skipping in the kitchen when she got her feet caught under the units.’

Happy Birthday ‘Tinky Winky’

for the 20th April! By Henry Flagstaff Now that I have nearly finished the dusting and Gladys is happily pottering about in the garden with the cat, I found time to pop in and see the delightful ladies in the library. Perusing the shelves I was drawn to a tome entitled ‘The Know’ by Martina Cole. I remember reading some of t h i s w r i t e r ’ s w o r k p rev ious ly and had thoroughly enjoyed it. (Even though Gladys was not quite so sure!) As soon

as I started to read I was immediately drawn into Cole’s fictional underworld with a compelling tale concerning one mother’s obsession to find out the truth behind her daughter’s disappearance. Described by the Sunday Express thus: ‘Martina Cole again explores the shady criminal underworld, a setting she is fast making her own.’ But don’t read it if you easily offended! I had to have a malt (or two) to calm down!

HF

Ampthill TV is a project to produce a pictorial showcase of Ampthill and Ampthill life so that news, events and local talent can be

recorded for posterity and available to view free on the internet.

Now includes John Day’s Ampthill Millennium Video collection (with old cine footage) and many contributions from YouTube.

Local news and weather page including local crimes section.

www.ampthill.tv

Contains the 3 days of Ampthill Festival 2010, Aragon Day, Ferret Racing, Remembrance Day, Pie Festival, Xmas Lights, May Day, Zonita

Cinema Re-launch, Frog Racing, and much much more….


Here we bring you some more from the whimsical world of Montgolfier: What do Edward the Eighth and Robert the Bruce have in common? -You will notice that they both have the same middle name. Notice in the rear window of a van: ‘I’m in no hurry - I’m on the way to work.’ I stopped to chat to a fisherman who was fishing in a large lake. I asked if it was deep. He replied that it was bottomless. I then asked what it was like on the far side. He said that it was even deeper. Did you know that if we were meant to take snuff, our noses would be the other way up. I was once given a rise in a small car from Millbrook to Silsoe - it ran on coal and was built in Silsoe. Did you know that wind speeds in outer space can be 600 miles per second? This equals 2,160,000 mph - I would hate to try erecting my tent. A local man got fed up with life so he decided to become a monk. They said we have a code of silence here and you are only allowed to speak every 5 years. He said that was OK and joined. After 5 years he was asked if he’d like to say anything. He said would it be possible to have 2 slices of toast for breakfast as 1 wasn’t enough. They said no problem. Another 5 years went by and asked if he have fresh straw in his mattress. They said no problem. another 5 years went by and this time he said he would like to leave. This time they said ‘Thank goodness for that, you’ve done nothing but complain since the day you arrived.’

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I must apologise to my reader that I have not had time to pen a tale for this month’s issue as I have been away to foreign climes on an archaeological adventure . However, I hope to be back in full flow in time for the May edition and look forward to seeing you then.

Daniels Lament......Little trolley wheeled by meTo the shop and backTo all of you out there...Please, don't give me flack.......

Anon

I THINK I MEANT WHAT

I SAID, BUT WHAT DID

I SAY? West Sicily 1971 I owed the hospital less than £20 and kept my passport till I paid up; I needed said passport to get the money from the bank!....... Enter the carabinieri! These chaps had been sent to guard the site following the theft of our boats, (previous tale). The two young guys with their motor cycles, rifles and pistols were really great, it was a good job for them; they ate with us and were really just enjoying

themselves, so it was not long before they were trying to learn English and we were being helped with our Italian and Sicilian. After quite a while I believe the guys understood what my problem was with the hospital, and eventually wrote down what I should say to the hospital office, and coached me on how to say it. It was at this point that they did a lot of giggling and talking between them selves, I ignored this as I was simply pleased to be making progress. As I remember it, all this took over a fortnight so I was getting a bit anxious about my passport, (in reality, it was probably

safer in the hospital than in my tent). Any way, I went to the hospital with my note and read out my message with as much authority as I could muster, they listened and gave me my passport, I went away and got some money, paid them and everyone was happy. I still have no idea what that note said but I think I may have said a few things I did not really mean. I had to return to the hospital some time later after a play fight accident to have my pelvis X-rayed. That precipitated two more tales.Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

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Based in Flitwick


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*On selected models only. Promotion runs from Mar 28th to June 5th 2011. Terms and conditions apply. See leaflet or ask in-store for details. Models must be in working order. Promotion runs in UK and Ireland only. ‘Sony’, ‘make.believe’, ‘BRAVIA’, ‘Qriocity’, ‘3D World’ and their logos are registered trademarks or trademarks of Sony Corporation. All other logos are the property of their respective owners. Sony reserves the right to audit claims. Facebook is a trademark of Facebook Inc. Skype © 2011 Skype Limited. Sky News copyright ©2011 BskyB. LOVEFiLM, the LOVEFiLM logo and all other LOVEFiLM product or service names are trademarks of LOVEFiLM International Ltd. © 2011 LOVEFiLM UK Ltd. All rights reserved. YouTube and the YouTube logo are trademarks of Google Inc. The FREEVIEW, FREEVIEW+, FREEVIEW HD and FREEVIEW+ HD words and logos are trademarks of DTV Services LTD. DTV Services Ltd 2002. 2008. The FREEVIEW service is subject to coverage. An aerial upgrade may be required. ITV 1 HD © Copyright ITV plc 2011. Channel 4 © 2011. ‘Demand 5’ and the Demand 5 logo are trademarks of Channel 5 Broadcasting Ltd. © Channel 5 Broadcasting. All rights reserved. BBC iPlayer recommend a minimum actual broadband speed of 1.5mbps for standard definition and 3mbps for high definition viewing.

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The Fuddler April 2011

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Transcript of The Fuddler April 2011