"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw

Quotes

Thought Frequency As Pie Charts

Men thrashing

AgingHaving to

pee

Things we shouldn’t

have eaten

Food

PetsSex

The relationship

Women

Sports

The relationship

Sex

Men

Going bald

AgingStrange ear & nose hair

growth

Career

Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. --- ANNIE HALL

Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything. ---The Purple Rose of Cairo

Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. --- Manhattan

Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.

Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes. ---Crimes and Misdemeanors

Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and distant.

By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace. Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize. ---Interiors

Early Attraction Factors

• Proximity (physical distance, repeated exposure)

• Anxiety Affiliation Link (Dr. Zilstein study)

• General Emotional Arousal Attraction Link

Results of Schachter’s “Dr. Zilstein study”

20

18

16

14

12

10

8

6

4

2

20

18

16

14

12

10

8

6

4

2

Nonanxious subjects

Anxious subjects

# of S

ub

jects

Choose to wait alone

Choose to wait with others

Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects’ choice to wait with others or to wait alone.The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with others more than non-anxious subjects.

Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with other anxious people rather than those who were not anxious

Attitude similarity and attraction

13.00

12.00

11.00

10.00

9.00

8.00

7.00

6.00

.00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00

Attraction

toward

other p

erson (ran

ge = 2-

14)

Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person

Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.)

As the graph shows, the greater

the proportion of attitudes subjects shared with the

stranger, the more subjects liked him

Why such a powerful effect of similarity?

A) Cognitive Consistency (We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)

B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)

C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes, interests)

D) They will like us also (reciprocal)

Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions

scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”

Core Traits ---

Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?

Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world?

Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?

Application of Similarity TheoryKey Dimensions Used by eHarmony

[http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions]

Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship

Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition, Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with.

Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your

compatibility profile

Application of Similarity Theory (cont.)

From eHarmony

Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening

Repulsion Hypothesis

“Lab” studies Avg. attraction score

• Similar attitudes 5.5

• No information regarding attitudes 5.2

• Dissimilar attitudes 2.1 (less attraction)

No difference

Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)

Description of person

Democrat

No party affiliation

Republican Disliked

No difference

D S S D S

D S S D D

D D D S S D

D D S D D D

S D D S D

Reject those who are dissimilar

S S S S

S S S

SEnd result is that we are

left with similar people to interact with

• Balance Theory Imbalance is motivating

• Congruity Theory Incongruity is motivating

• Dissonance Theory Dissonance is motivating

• Equity Theory Inequity is motivating

The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other theories in social psychology:

Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other’s attitudes is quite different

Active search process

The “Bridge” StudyMisattribution of Emotional Arousal

• Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled

• Low handrails (3 feet)• 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids

Misattribution of Emotional Arousal

versus

Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge

Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content

2) % of men who called female back

Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction

Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)

Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation

Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image

• Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males (emphasis on thin as attractive)

“Undesirable” Male

“Desirable” Male

• Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a desirable male

Equal intake of candy by males and females

5

4

3

2

1

0Undesirable

manDesirable man

0

3.7

Amount of attitude

conformity Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation

Conversation Style and Relationship Type

Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)

Voice Quality

FeminineBabylikeHigh pitchRelaxedPleasant

Trait Ratings

SubmissiveScatterbrainedApproachableSincere

• Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a casual versus intimate friend.

• No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how things were said, paralinguistic cues.

Physical Attractiveness

Advantages:

• Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date)

• More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent)

• Higher income

• Higher evaluation of work performance

• More lenient treatment in the legal system

• Better mental health

• Matching

Length of relationship

Short

LongCouple is equal in physical

attraction

Often different in physical attraction

Impression of man

Female’s attractivenessLow High

7.5

7.0

6.5

6.0

5.5

5.0

Romantically linked

Strangers

7.1

5.96.1

5.5

• In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003)

• Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in 2002

• Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year

• Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles)

• 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club membership per year in the U.S.

Attractiveness as a Business

Misattributions of Friendly BehaviorRoutine

ConversationFemale

Male

Observers

Female

Male

Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as

flirtatious and seductive

Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner;

females as promiscuousSexual

lensInteraction

Attraction

Communication/consolidation

Buildup

Ending

Deteriorationand decline

Relationshipcontinues

Triggering factors:

Proximity, Similarity, Erotic

love etc…

Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self-disclosure, Communal

concern, External supports

Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative

attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to

dissolution

Important variables

influencing attraction

Emotion

Low: Relationship in stable state

High: Heady feeling of

romantic love

High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption

The life cycle of a

relationship

• Costs (Inputs)

• Benefits (Outputs)

• Comparison Level (e.g., a standard)

• Comparison Level for Alternatives

Loss of freedom, $, time, etc.

Companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc.

Other person in a relationship, yourself in the past, an ideal

Evaluation of the value of other partners

Social Equity Theory

Gender and the Personal Columns

Males Females

Offer Seek SeekOffer

Money

Status

Career

Young

Physically attractive

Physical attractiveness

Money

Job information

Personality traits (e.g., sincerity)

U. S. Divorce Rates per 1,000 population

1990 2000 2004

4.7 4.2 3.7

U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting (California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana).Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006.

Relationship Breakups

• Who identifies more problems?

• Who initiates most breakups?

• When are the partners most likely to remain friends, when the male of female initiates the breakup?

Relationship-Enhancing and Distress-Maintaining Attributions

Positive Event

Relationship-Enhancing Attribution

Distress-Maintaining Attribution

My partner takes me out to an expensive

dinner

My partner is sweet and thoughtful

My partner took me out to write the cost off on taxes

Internal, stable, global

Negative Event

My partner forgot my birthday

External, unstable, specific

Something unexpected must

have come upExternal, unstable,

specific

My partner is always uncaring

and selfishInternal, stable,

global

Liking Love

Liking Loving

Separate constructs or along a continuum?

Sample Liking Scale Items

When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.

I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.

I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.

In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.

I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.

I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect.

_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.

_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.

I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.

Sample Love Scale Items

I would do anything for _____.

I feel responsible for _____’s well being.

I feel very possessive toward _____.

If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.

If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.

I would forgive _____ for practically anything.

In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.

When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her.

I would be hard for me to get along without _____.

Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends

Index Women Men

Love for Partner 89.5 89.3

Liking for Partner 88.7 84.6

Love for Friend 65.3 55.1

Liking for Friend 80.5 79.1

Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches

Relationships

• Individual subjective reactions to cues in an interaction

• Active search/detection process for cues

• Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g., baking a cake example)

Thoughts about interpersonal interactions

Evaluation of interaction as good,

average, poor

• Future possibilities

• Strategies

Narratives/stories about

relationships

• Who is told? When they are told? What is said? Why they are told?

• Difference in perceptions; memory for facts

Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches (cont.)

IntimacyIntimac

yrating

5.5

5.0

4.5

4.0

3.5

3.02 men(best

friends)

2 women best friends)

Man & woman

(platonic)

Man & woman

(romantic)

3.5

4.5 4.4

5.3

Health & Longevity

Low

High

Marriage, Health and Longevity

Men Women

Happily married

Unhappily married

Unmarried

9.5

9.0

8.5

8.0

7.5

Liking for woman

Playing Hard To Get

Woman’s Interest

No one Only the participan

t

Any (all) the

eligible men

Control

7.9

9.4

8.4 8.6

40

30

20

10

0

40

30

20

10

0

Men

Women

High Budget

Low Budget

Physical attractivene

ss

Social status

Physical attractivene

ss

Social status

% Monet spent

% Monet spent

Gender Differences in Mate Preferences

Go on a date

Go to apartment

Sexual invitation

100

90

80

70

60

50

40

30

20

10

0

% “yes” Females

Males

0

Gender Differences in Sexual Behavior

Years of marriage

0-1 1-2 2-5 5-10 10+

90

80

70

60

50

40

Love marriages

Arranged marriages

“No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain

Consummate

Commitment

Liking

Passion

Romantic

Intimacy

Companionate

Fatuous

Infatuate Empty

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

(Intimacy & Passion)

(Intimacy & Commitment)

(Passion & Commitment)

˜ Intimacy Component ˜

I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____

I have a warm relationship with _____.

I am able to count on _____ in times of need.

˜ Passion Component ˜

Just seeing ________ excites me.

I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____

My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.

˜ Commitment Component ˜

I know that I care about _____.

I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.

Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.

Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular Love Theory

Intimac

yPassion Commitment

Non-Love x x xLiking x xInfatuated x xEmpty x x Romantic xCompanionate

x

Fatuous x Consummate

Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love

Sternberg’s Love Story Approach*[Based on past experience and personality]

• Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues

• Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all needs

• Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and princess)

• War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser

* Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model

• I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on others [Trust]

• I often wonder that my partner does not really love me [Anxiety]

• I am nervous when anyone gets too close [Closeness]

• I know that others will be there when I need them [Trust]

• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like [Anxiety]

• I am comfortable having others depend on me [Closeness]

* Source: Collins & Reid (1990)

Sample Items --- Adult Attachment Scale*

Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues

• Jealousy ---

Men Sexual infidelity (60%)

Women Emotional infidelity (83%)

• Communication ---

Demand-withdraw interaction pattern (Females wish to discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions)

• Sex

• Children

• Money

• Different expectations

Self Other Self Other

Self Other

Self Other

Relationship Closeness

Self Other Self Other