Family Disease

Alcoholism and drug addiction affects the whole family - young, teenage, or grown-up

children; wives or husbands; brothers or sisters; parents or other relatives and friends. One

family member addicted to alcohol and drugs means the whole family suffers. Addiction is

a family disease that stresses the family to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the

home, the family's unity, mental health, physical health, finances, and overall family

dynamics.

Without help, active addiction can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that

can last a lifetime.

Regrettably, no family is born with the knowledge of how to deal effectively with

addiction. It is a skill that must be learned and practiced daily.

But, with the proper help and support, family recovery has become a reality for millions!

Preoccupation

Arguments

Guilt

Stress

Defensiveness

Mood Swings

Problems

Depression

Rage

RULES IN ADDICTED FAMILY SYSTEMS

Rules tend to be overt (hidden) vs. covert (out in the open).

Tend to be arbitrary, illogical, and inconsistent.

Shaming to enforce rules or lack of consequences.

THREE RULES X 2

Three major rules

Addict’s drug use is the most important thing.

Addict is not responsible for behavior nor family problems.

Status quo must be maintained

Three other rules

Don’t talk

Don’t trust

Don’t feel

The Addict

The person with the addiction is the center, and though

the key to alcohol and drug addiction recovery,

not necessarily the most important in family recovery.

The "world" revolves around this person, causing the

addict to become the center of attention.

As the roles are defined, the others unconsciously

take on the rest of the roles to complete the balance

after the problem has been introduced.

Continued…

FAMILY ROLES: CARETAKER/ ENABLER

The Caretaker (Enabler) makes all the other rolespossible. They try to keep everyone happy andThe family in balance, void of the issue.

They make excuses for all behaviors and actions,And never mention addiction recovery or gettinghelp. The Caretaker (Enabler) presents a situationwithout problems to the public.

The underlying feelings are inadequacy, fear, andhelplessness.

FAMILY ROLES: HERO

The Hero is the one who needs to make the family, androle players, look good.

They ignore the problem and present things in a positivemanner as if the roles within the family did not exist.

The Hero is the perfectionist. If they overcome this rolethey can play an important part in the addictionrecovery process.

The underlying feelings are fear, guilt, and shame.

FAMILY ROLES: SCAPEGOAT

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat often acts out in front of others. Theywill rebel, make noise, and divert attention from theperson who is addicted and their need for help in addiction recovery.

The Scapegoat covers or draws attention away fromthe real problem.

The underlying feelings are shame, guilt, and empty.

FAMILY ROLES: MASCOT/CLOWN

The Mascot

The Mascot's role is that of the jester. They will oftenmake inappropriate jokes about the those involved(family members).

Though they do bring humor to the family roles, it isoften harmful humor, and they sometimes hinderaddiction recovery.

The underlying feelings are embarrassment, shame, andanger.

FAMILY ROLES: LOST CHILD

The Lost Child is the silent, “out of the way” family member, and will never mention alcohol or recovery.

The Lost Child gives up self needs and makes efforts to avoid any conversation regarding the underlying roles/issues.

The underlying feelings are guilt, loneliness, neglect, and anger.

CODEPENDENT: A CLOSED SYSTEM

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

I feel responsible for you… I have to: Fix

Rescue

Protect

ControlI feel:

Tired

Anxious

Fearful

Guilty

Angry

Rejected

Self pity

✓ “Standing between a person and his or her consequences.”

✓ “Doing for someone something he or she should be doing for him or

herself.”

✓ “Engaging in actions that ultimately perpetuate someone’s problematic

behavior.”

Continued…

• Getting stuck in the defenses

– Denying there is a problem

– Minimizing the problem

– Avoiding discussions about the problem

– Blaming others or lashing out with anger

– Joining in the rationalizations/justifications that their children create

• Taking over their responsibilities

• Continuing to provide financial support

• Helping to resolve legal problems

• Promising rewards for abstinence

• Suggesting a physical fitness program or a job change

• Threatening to kick them out

• Provoking arguments/nagging

• Avoiding getting help for themselves

Families will enable their loved ones and keep them

from recognizing the seriousness of their problem by:

Detachment is:

•Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick,

dysfunctional or irrational

•Giving another person the space to be himself

•Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people

•Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person

•Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have

previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life

•Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly

enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense

of autonomy and independence

•Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter

and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering

•Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a

need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life

INTERDEPENDENT: AN OPEN SYSTEM

• I take responsibility for myself and bring the benefits of my healthy lifestyle back into my relationships. I share myself with other healthy people. I am responsible by being:– Sensitive

– Empathetic

– Encouraging

– Confronting when appropriate

– Open to listening

• I feel:– Relaxed

– Free

– Aware

• You take care of you; I take care of me; We support each other.

The phrase Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) refers to those individuals who

were adversely impacted by familial alcoholism. An ACOA is an individual who

experiences a recognizable, diagnosable reaction to familial alcoholism. These

individuals are particularly vulnerable to certain emotional, physical, and spiritual

problems.

Al-non is a resource and support group for adult relatives and close friends of

alcoholics. Al-Anon is available to interested individuals even if the alcoholic does

not participate in

WHAT CAN I DO NOW?

Take your children to an Al-Anon/Family Group meeting

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Get the book: Preparing for the Drug Free Years: A Family Activity Book. Paperback 1988 by J. David Hawkins (used amazon $5.99).

Have group members write a short story to break through denial, have each

group member write a short story of how she began using drugs, including

all details leading up to her referral or entrance into the substance abuse

group therapy process. No member should include her name on the writing

assignment. The therapist collects the stories and redistributes them so that

no one receives her own story. Members read each story aloud, and all

members silently raise their hands whenever they hear a statement read

that appears to include denial of addiction or the seriousness of the

consequences involved.

Items needed:

Empty pop bottle

Baby oil

Water

Liquid food coloring

Step 1.Take your bottle and fill it with half water and half

baby oil.

Step 2. Put one drop of food coloring in. This represents you

in a normal world with out substance abuse.

Step 3. Lightly shake the bottle. You’ve found out your

spouse is using substances and it has started to trickle down

an affect you and everyone surrounding.

Step 4. Drop the bottle on the ground from about eye level

with the cap screwed on tight. This represents the cloud you

are in and what substance abuse can do to your family.

Step 5. Set the bottle on the table and let it settle. This

represents you talking to your souse and going to get help.

Step 6. Reflect on how alcohol abuse is a family affair.

http://www.ehow.com/facts_5245370_ideas-substance-abuse-group-therapy.html

http://www.ncadd.org/index.php/for-friends-and-family/family-disease-and-

recovery

http://www.hopelinks.net/addiction/family/roles.html

http://www.mental-health-

matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=434

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Al-Anon

http://detachwithlove.com/index.html

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/284430532688471243/

http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/codependency-for-dummies-cheat-

sheet.html