Codependency - March 2011
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CODEPENDENCY AND YOU
RON HARRISON
You
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HE’S ALL YOURS!!
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What You Need to Know:Your Competency as a Parent,
PartnerProfessional, etc
and CoDependent Behavior
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Co-DependencyCo-dependency is a primary illness developed
through a dysfunctional pattern of living and
problem solving which is nurtured by a set of
rules within the family system. These rules
make healthy growth and change very difficult.
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-OR-
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I GET MY NEEDS MET
THROUGH OTHER
PEOPLE.
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Codependent people often Love others to death.
Literally
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“KINDLY LET ME HELPYOU OR YOU WILL
DROWN,”SAID THE MONKEY
PLACING THEFISH
IN A TREE.
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• You grew up with a chemically dependent parent
• Your grandparent(s) were chemically dependent
• You were emotionally abused as a child• You were sexually abused as a child• You were physically abused as a child• You are chemically dependent• Your significant other is chemically
dependent.
You might be co-dependent if:
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter
SELF
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter
SELF
OTHERS
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
SURVIVAL-health/safety/shelter
SELF
OTHERS
SelfActualization
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
SURVIVAL health/safety/shelter -
OTHERS
Self
Actualization
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MODIFIED MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
1. Others Codependent behavior takes us back to the first level.
2. Survival Once back here we repeat the same behavior and of course get the same result!
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PROGRESSION OF AN ADDICTION
EARLY MIDDLE LATE
NO SYMPTOMSNOTICEABLE
SYMPTOMS BEGIN-TO SHOW UP
DIAGNOSIBLE “BY A 10 YEAR OLD”
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PROGRESSION OF CODEPENDENCY
EARLY MIDDLE LATE
NO SYMPTOMSNOTICEABLEIN FACT, SEENAS A WONDERFULCARINGPERSON
SYMPTOMS BEGIN-ING TO SHOW UP, HOWEVER STILL LOOKS LIKE ACARING SENSITIVEPERSON
DIAGNOSIBLE. ANGRY, REPEAT-ING BEHAVIOR, SEE’S LIFE AS BLACK AND WHITE,CONTROLLING, ETC.
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MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW
SELF
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MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW
SELF SELF and OTHERS
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MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW
SELF SELF and OTHERS
OTHERS
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MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW
YOU YOU and OTHERS
NOOTHERS ONE
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MODIFIED JOHARI’S WINDOW
SELFSELFANDOTHERS
OTHERSNOONE
UNCONSCIOUSSUBCONSCIOUSMEMORIESREPRESSED MEMORIES
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PSYCOLOGICALLY HEALTHY PERSON
SELF AND
OTHERS
NOONE
OTHERS
SELF
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ADDICT
SELF AND OTHERS
SELF
noone
OTHERS
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CODEPENDENCY
OTHERS
SELF
NOONESELF AND OTHERS
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THE PERFECT MATCH
ADDICT CODEPENDENTAddict
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THE WINNER
THE ADDICT -
Your sonYour daughterYour partnerYour husband
Your wifeYour motherYour fatherYour client.
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Signs and Symptomsof CoDependency
Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships
Seeing life as black or white
Being overly responsible for others
Having feelings of powerlessness
Having difficulty setting boundaries
Fear of change
Seeing yourself as a “martyr”
Allowing yourself to be used
Resentful Attitudes
Reactive Behavior Instead of Proactive Behavior..
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SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS CON’T
Frozen feelingsTrouble with intimacyLow self esteemDevelop victim roleBoundary issuesPersonalize everythingDon’t trust your perceptions and/or instinctsOthers behavior is a reflection of youUnrealistic expectations for yourselfUse control and manipulation in relationshipsFear rejection and abandonment…
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The Co-dependent
Often we feel we are expected to:
• Put our own issues aside• Maintain control
• Create a safe environment for our- • Husband,wife,son,daughter,mom,dad,client,whomever
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Which just happens to be a perfect growth environment
for co-dependency
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-so-
We must -
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.
AVOIDBelieving that we can manipulate our
others into becoming healthy
COMPLIANT
≠
HEALTHY
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AVOID
• Feeling personal blame when things don’t go right
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AVOIDTaking credit for others success
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AVOIDLinking success with our efforts
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AVOID Second-guessing every decision
wemake..
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CONSEQUENCES OF UNTREATED CODEPENDENCY
1. Chemical dependency.2. Other dependencies such as infidelity, workaholism, obsession with outside
interests.3. Eating disorders.4. Angry most of the time.5. Develops stress related illnesses such as ulcers, rashes, migraines,
depression, high blood pressure and stomach disorders.6. Becomes passive or controlling in relationships.7. Becomes totally dependent on others for feelings of self-worth. Low self
esteem develops.8. See themselves as failures.9. Labeled, rigid, judgmental, self centered, and perfectionist.10. Life becomes simplistic - either black or white.
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Obstacles to RecoveryFrom Codependency
• Your use of drugs or misuse of alcohol• Your parents (or grandparents) use of drugs or
misuse of alcohol• Your spouses use of drugs or misuse of alcohol• Your enmeshment• Your guilt regarding any of the above• Your urge to over-simplify any of the above• (or a need for simple answers)• Trouble with the disease concept• Your successful drug use as a child• Your “partial” recovery • Anger at any of the above.
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SOLUTIONS:
1. THERAPY2. SELF EXAMINATION
3. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS4. AL-ANON
5. OTHER 12 STEP MEETINGS
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• EXTERNAL MOTIVATION
CREATES
EXTERNAL CONSEQUENCES
CREATES
INTERNAL MOTIVATION
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TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4.Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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STEP 6WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE
ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER.
STEP 7 HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR
SHORTCOMINGS
THEN GET TO WORK!!!
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RULE 62
DON’T
TAKE
YOURSELF
TOO
SERIOUSLY!!