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HT203 - Transforming Subconscious Beliefs - (5 clock hours) This course empowers the student with skills for uncovering the underlying belief systems which

generate negative emotions and which motivate unwanted behaviors. Techniques are taught to

uncover these beliefs as well as to change them into positive and constructive models from

which to live one’s life.

TRANSFORMING SUBCONSCIOUS BELIEFS

Events lead to Beliefs

Beliefs lead to Emotions

Emotions lead to Symptoms and Behaviors

1. Uncovering belief systems

2. Reframing with the truth

a. What is the truth?

b. How would you like to feel?

(Both questions lead to the same place)

3. Incorporate into suggestions, affirmations and visualizations

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SELF-ESTEEM Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Patrick Fanning

“There is no value-judgment more important to man–no factor more decisive in his

psychological development and motivation–than the estimate he passes on himself.”

-Dr. Nathaniel

Branden

1. Self-Esteem is how highly you regard/evaluate yourself.

2. High self-esteem is regarding yourself highly

3. High self-esteem is the recognition of one’s positive qualities and an attitude of self-

acceptance and non-judgment towards one’s self and others.

4. An inner self-portrait – self-image

5. You never live outside of your self-image

6. Everyone has self-esteem – the question is: is it high or low?

7. A child’s self-esteem is largely molded by the parent’s child rearing style during the first

3 to 4 years of life.

8. High Self-Esteem is the recognition of one’s positive qualities

9. Self-esteem is a self-reinforcing characteristic.

10. Self-esteem has to do with what I think of me, not what anyone else thinks of me. True

high-self esteem is innate, undeniable and is independent of anyone’s opinion.

11. True high self-esteem cannot be diminished by criticism nor increased by praise

12. High self-esteem consists of an attitude of self-acceptance and a non-judgmental attitude

towards one’s self and others

13. Affirmations which attempt to raise self-esteem are only marginally effective if a person

is operating irresponsibly in key areas of their life.

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Low Self-Esteem High Self-Esteem

Unworthy Worthy

Unlovable Lovable

Incompetent Competent

Stupid Intelligent

Not important Important

Not valuable Valuable

Not Likable Likable

Bad Inherently Good

Useless Useful

Worthless Worthwhile

Not Good Enough More than Good Enough

Ugly Attractive

14. True self-esteem is innate, undeniable and independent of anyone’s opinion. It cannot be

diminished by criticism nor increased by praise.

15. A client must have some sense of victories to gain self-esteem.

16. Low self-esteem is stored in the subconscious mind.

17. Key words for self-esteem:

Secure within yourself

Self-assured

Confident

Self-accepting

Self-love

Non-judgment

18. Key components of self-esteem:

Secure because you confront or eliminate what frightens you

Solves problems instead of worrying about them

Find ways to help people respond positively to them

Copes directly with inner and outer personal conflicts

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Major Influences on Self-Esteem

1. Child rearing style of parents/caregivers

warm and loving or cold, judgmental and punishing

2. Present day thoughts

positive statements or negative ones

Two Kinds of Self-Esteem

1. Situational – specific areas/specific skills

2. Characterological - basic identity – core beliefs

Low Self-Esteem Manifests As:

1. Overly defensive

2. Blow up easily – short fuse

3. Losing friends

4. Cold or distant

5. Anxious or on guard when meeting new people

6. Afraid to try or finish new things

7. Inadequate to cope with life’s anxieties

8. Inability to cope with inner personal problems

9. Fear of challenge/taking risks

10. Inability to ask for what you want

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THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM By Nathaniel Branden, PH.D.

1. Living Consciously. To live consciously is to be present to what we are doing; to seek to

understand whatever bears on our interests, values, and goals; to be aware both of the

world external to self and also to the world within.

2. Self-acceptance. To be self-accepting is to own and experience, without denial or

disowning, the reality of our thoughts, emotions and actions; to be respectful and

compassionate toward ourselves even when we do not admire or enjoy some of our

feelings or decisions; to refuse to be in an adversarial or rejecting relationship to

ourselves.

3. Self-responsibility. To be self-responsible is to recognize that we are the author of our

choices and actions; that we must be the ultimate source of our own fulfillment; that no

one is coming to make our life right for us, or make us happy, or give us self-esteem.

4. Self-assertiveness. To be self-assertive is to honor our wants and needs and look for

their appropriate forms of expression in reality; to live our values in the world; to be

willing to be who we are and allow others to see it; to stand up for our convictions, values

and feelings.

5. Living purposefully. To live purposefully is to take responsibility for identifying our

goals; to perform the actions that allow us to achieve them; to keep on track and moving

toward their fulfillment.

6. Personal integrity. To live with integrity is to have principles of behavior to which we

remain loyal in action; to keep our promises and honor our commitments; to walk our

talk.

Two Major Components of Self-Esteem

1. Self-efficacy: Confidence in the ability to cope with life’s challenges. Self-efficacy leads

to a sense of control over one’s life.

2. Self-respect: Experience oneself as deserving of happiness, achievement and love. Self-

respect makes possible a sense of community with others.

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THE PATHOLOGICAL CRITIC

1. Also known as the Inner Critic

2. Born during your earliest experience of socialization by your parents forbidding gestures

3. It is learned

4. Negative inner voice that attacks and judges you

5. Everyone has one

6. People with low self-esteem tend to have a more vicious and vocal critic

7. Blames you for things that go wrong

8. Compares you to others and finds you wanting

9. Sets impossible standards of perfection and then beats you up for the smallest mistake

10. Provides a script of your “shoulds”

11. Thinks it helps by setting standards of perfection that are impossible to reach yet causes a

false sense of supremacy or over-achievement

12. Keeps an album of your failures, but never reminds you of your strengths or

accomplishments

13. Has a script about how you ought to live and screams that you are wrong and bad if your

needs drive you to violate its rules

14. Tells you to be the best and if you are not the best you are nothing

15. Calls you names – stupid, incompetent, ugly, selfish, weak

16. Reads others people’s minds and convinces you that they are bored, turned off,

disappointed or disgusted by you

17. Exaggerates your weaknesses by insisting you “always say stupid things,” or “always

screw up a relationship,” or “never finish anything on time.”

18. It seems reasonable and justified

19. Seems natural – a familiar part of you

20. Always seems true

21. It’s worse than almost any trauma or loss

Five factors that determine the strength of the Inner Critic

1. The degree to which issues of taste, personal needs, safety, or good judgment were

mislabeled as moral imperatives.

2. The degree to which parents failed to differentiate between behavior and identity.

3. The frequency of the forbidding gestures.

4. The consistency of the forbidding gestures.

5. The frequency with which forbidding gestures were tied to parental anger or withdrawal.

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Where the Critic comes from

The critic is developed during early socialization while the child is learning which behaviors are

acceptable, dangerous, morally wrong or lovable from parents, authority figures or other

caregivers.

- Loving Gestures vs. - Forbidding

- Accepting - Frightening

- Supportive - Rejecting

How the Critic gets reinforced

Positive Reinforcement for the Critic

1. The need to do right

2. The need to feel right

a. self-worth

b. feeling accepted by critical parents

3. The need to achieve

Negative Reinforcement for the Critic

1. The need to control painful feelings

a. feeling not OK or bad or valueless

b. fear of failure

c. fear of rejection

d. anger

e. guilt

f. frustration

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Factors that determine the strength of early feelings of NOT being OK:

1. The degree to which issues of taste, personal needs, safety were mislabeled as moral

imperatives

a. good vs. bad

b. example: low grades = sin

2. Degree to which parents failed to differentiate between behavior and identity

self is bad vs. behavior is bad

3. Frequency of forbidding gestures

4. Consistency/inconsistency of forbidding gestures

confusion is worse

5. Frequency with which forbidding gestures were linked to parental anger or withdrawn

affections/love

parental anger or withdrawal threatens survival, “you are bad,” I reject you = I

don’t love you

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The Cognitive Distortions of the Inner Critic

The tools of the Critic

The bad habits of thought that you consistently use to interpret reality in an unreal way

Based on unrealistic beliefs

1. Overgeneralization – words like – never, always, all, every, none, no one, nobody,

everyone, everybody

2. Global Labeling – “my love affair is a hopeless tangle.” “I’m just a failure.” “My house

is a pigsty.” “My degree is a worthless piece of paper.”

3. Filtering – words like – loss, gone, hurt, dangerous, unfair, stupid

4. Polarized Thinking – “I’m either going to win the scholarship or completely blow my

future.” “If you can’t be funny and ‘on’ then you’re a bore.”

5. Self-Blame – observed in the person with incessant apologizing. Blaming yourself for all

of your shortcomings.

6. Personalization – The entire universe centers around you.

7. Mind Reading – “I’m boring her. She can tell I’m really a dull guy trying to fake it.”

“He’s quiet because I was late and he’s angry about it.”

8. Control Fallacies – “I’ve got to make them listen.” “She has to say yes.” “I’ll make sure

he arrives on time.”

9. Emotional Reasoning – You feel useless, so you must be useless. You feel unworthy, so

you must be unworthy. You feel ugly, so you must be ugly. – You are what you feel.

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Catching the Critic

Look for the critic when:

1. Meeting strangers

2. Contact with people you find sexually attractive

3. Situations in which you have made a mistake

4. Situations in which you feel criticized and defensive

5. Interactions with authority figures

6. Situations in which you feel hurt or someone has been angry at you

7. Conversations with parents or anyone who might be disapproving

Introduce your Client to the “Inner Critic”

1. Name it – The Bully, The Shark, My Kicker, Mr. Perfect, Marsha (the client’s mother)

2. Personifying the critic helps the client to begin to recognize and get some distance from

the self-accusing voice

Introduce your Client to the “Healthy Voice”

1. The ability to think realistically

2. A supportive, loving, encouraging, accepting, non-judgmental inner voice

3. An inner best friend

4. Name it – My rational part, My accepting part, My compassionate part, My healthy coach

**Gestalt between the two parts

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Transforming the Inner Critic

Identify the main function of the client’s critic

The client must understand why he/she uses the critical voice and how it serves to protect

1. To promote desired behavior

2. Paradoxically to protect self-worth

3. To control painful feelings

Questions for the Inner Critic

1. Questions that expose overgeneralization

“Is it true that you always screw up? Every single task? You do nothing right, ever?”

2. Questions that expose faulty labeling

“Is it true that getting a B means you’re screwing up?”

3. Questions that expose the lack of evidence

“What evidence do you have that people think you are screwing up?”

4. Questions that “Ask the Price”

Requires the client to refocus on the cost of listening to the critic rather than to the critical

message itself

“What is your life like having this message constantly playing in your head?”

“What are you missing out on?”

“What positive feelings could you be feeling instead?”

“How is it effecting your relationships with others?”

The price of having an inner critic:

a. Defensive with my wife around any criticism

b. Blow up at my daughter when she doesn’t mind

c. Lost friendship with Al because I got hostile

d. Dump on my mother when I detect the slightest criticism

e. Afraid to be assertive with potential clients because they might reject me. (This

probably costs me ten thousand a year in commissions.)

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f. Tend to be cold and distant with bosses and authorities because I am afraid of

them

g. Feel anxious and on guard with people

h. Constantly thinking that people don’t like me

i. Afraid to try new things for fear that I’ll screw them up.

Howitzer Mantras – Talking Back

Selected words and phrases designed to hit the critic like a cannon blast

1. This is poison. Stop it!

2. These are lies.

3. These are lies my father told me.

4. Stop this shit!

5. No more put-downs.

6. Shut up!

7. Screw you, asshole.

8. To hell with these put-downs!

9. Get of my back!

10. Stop this garbage!

Or

“Cancel that” or “Cancel, Cancel.”

Then replace the negative statement with a positive affirmation of self-worth

Positive Self Talk

1. Like an accepting friend

A friend is someone who sees you better than you see yourself

2. Like a coach – encouraging and supportive

3. Like a compassionate mentor

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Reframing Failure

1. It is an opportunity for feedback and learning. There is no failure, only feedback.

2. Failure simply means something still needs to be learned.

3. What aspect of the situation was entirely under my control?

4. What was learned from this situation and how can it be applied in the future?

5. People always do the best they can with their given resources. I did the best I could do

and that was/is more than good enough.

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Meeting Your Inner Child

Meditation on meeting your inner child to ask:

1. Are you happy with the person I have become?

2. Are you happy with the life that I have created for us?

3. How do you feel about me?

4. How do you feel about your inner child?

Celebrate Your Strengths

1. Daily Affirmations

2. Reminder Signs – 3x5 index cards

3. A Commitment to accuracy

a. Acknowledging and remembering your strengths

b. Describing your weaknesses accurately, specifically and non-pejoratively

4. Active Integration – everyday take a few minutes to remember your successes and

positive accomplishments in life

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NLP – BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

Set-up:

1. Someone who loves you very much and would be very happy for your success

2. Your dream home and when you would like to be in it (# of years)

Guided Meditation:

1. Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are in your dream home. You sit down with a

lovely journal at a desk that overlooks the backyard and you begin to write your

autobiography.

2. You look out of the window and see that one person who loves you so very much

standing there looking at you and they are smiling because of your success.

3. Now float out of your body into the backyard and stand next to them and look back at

yourself in the house. Admire all of the wonderful qualities about you.

4. However, instead of looking through your eyes, step into [person who loves you] and

look through their eyes and feel through their heart. See yourself the way they see you.

5. Now, float back into the house and back into your body and write about how the rest of

your life gets even better.

6. Now, take those positive feelings and bring them back right here now. From your toes

rush them to your head and from your head rush them back down into your whole body.

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COMPASSION

1. Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

2. “Compassion is love seeing pain.”

3. To be directed at yourself and others

4. Compassion is a skill

5. It consists of three basic components:

a. Understanding

b. Acceptance

c. Forgiveness

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The Compassionate Response

The compassionate response begins with three questions you should always ask yourself to

promote an understanding of the problematic behavior.

1. What need was (he, she, I) trying to meet with that behavior?

2. What beliefs or awarenesses influenced the behavior?

3. What pain, hurt, or other feelings influenced the behavior?

Next come three statements to remind yourself that you can accept a person without blame or

judgment, no matter how unfortunate his or her choices have been>

4. I wish _______ hadn’t happened, but it was merely an attempt to meet (his, her, my)

needs.

5. I accept (him, her, myself) without judgment or feeling of wrongness for that attempt.

6. No matter how unfortunate (his, her, my) decision, I accept the person who did it as

someone who is, like all of us, trying to survive.

Finally, two statements suggest that the slate can be wiped clean, that it is time to forgive and let

go of it.

7. It’s over, I can let go of it.

8. Nothing is owed for this mistake.

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Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values

1. Healthy values are flexible versus rigid

2. Healthy values are owned rather than introjected (introjected rules – accepted from

parents)

3. Healthy values are realistic rather than unrealistic

4. Healthy values are life-enhancing rather than life-restricting

Discovering Your Shoulds

Shoulds for various areas of your life:

1. Relationships

2. Activities in the home

3. Recreational and social activities

4. Work activities

5. Creative activities

6. Self-improvement activities

7. Sexual activities

8. Political and community activities

9. Religious and church activities

10. Money and finances

11. Self-care

12. Food and eating

13. Ways of expressing and dealing with feelings

14. Inner experience

1. Do I have feelings of guilt or self-recrimination in this area – either past or present?

2. Do I feel conflict in this area? For example, do I feel torn between doing something I

should do versus something I want to do?

3. Do I feel a sense of obligation or owing in this area?

4. Do I avoid something I feel I ought to do in this area?

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Your Legitimate Needs

1. Physical needs

2. Emotional needs

3. Intellectual needs

4. Social needs

5. Spiritual, moral, and ethical needs

Rules for Requests

1. Healthy requests are clear, direct and uncritical

2. If possible, get the other person to agree on a convenient time and place for your

conversation

3. Keep your request small enough to avoid massive resistance

4. Keep your request simple – just one or two specific actions for the other person to

understand and remember.

5. Don’t blame or attack the other person. Use “I messages” so that you will stick to your

thoughts and feelings. Try to be objective – stick to the facts. Keep your tone of voice

moderate.

6. Be specific. Give exact figures and times for what you want. Don’t hedge. Don’t make

a lot of conditions. Describe what you want in terms of behavior, not a change in

attitude.

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7. Use assertive, high self-esteem body language: maintain eye contact, sit or stand erect,

uncross your arms and legs, make sure that you’re close enough. Speak clearly, audibly,

and firmly, without a whining or apologetic tone to your voice. Practice your requests in

front of a mirror to correct problems in your body language. You can also listen to your

request on tape to evaluate your voice tone and inflection.

8. Sometimes it’s helpful to mention the positive consequences of giving you what you

want. You could also mention the negative consequences of denying your request, but

the positive approach works better. As the old adage has it, you’re likely to catch more

flies with honey than with vinegar.

Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations

1. See yourself making small, positive steps each day toward your goal(s).

2. Visualize action rather than just being.

3. Include the positive consequences of higher self-esteem. See yourself successful at work

and in relationships, enjoying life more, achieving goals.

4. Include assertive, high self-esteem body language: erect posture, leaning forward to

people, smiling, arms and legs uncrossed, close to people rather than keeping a distance,

nodding as someone else speaks, and touching others when appropriate.

5. See yourself struggling a bit at first and then succeeding.

6. See yourself liking you more and not just other people liking you more.

7. See yourself as not only “better” in the future, but also as being basically OK right now.

8. Think of self-esteem as something you have but are out of touch with.

9. Combine affirmations with visualizations.

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Handling Mistakes

Reframing Mistakes

1. See mistakes as teachers

2. See mistakes as warnings

3. Mistakes: Prerequisites for Spontaneity

4. Mistakes: The Necessary Quota

Forgiving Yourself

1. Realize that everyone makes mistakes

2. Realize that even you make mistakes

3. Forgiving Yourself

a. You made the best decision you could make given your needs and

awareness at the moment you made it.

b. You have already paid for your mistake.

c. Mistakes are unavoidable.

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Visualizations and Affirmations of High-Self Esteem

I am a unique and valuable human being

I always do the best I can

I love (or like) myself, mistakes and all

I have legitimate needs

It’s all right to meet my needs as I see fit.

I am responsible for my life.

I accept the consequences of my actions.

I feel warm and loving toward myself.

I am free to make mistakes.

Everything I do is an attempt to meet legitimate needs.

I am expanding my own awareness to make wiser choices.

I am letting go of unwise choices in the past.

Shoulds, oughts and musts are irrelevant.

Since everyone is doing his or her best, I easily feel compassion and empathy.

My basic job in life is expanding my awareness.

No one is any more or less worthy than I.

My mere existence proves my worth.

I learn from my mistakes without guilt and worry.

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ATONEMENT – WHEN SHOULDS MAKE SENSE

1. It is important to acknowledge the wrongness of what you did to the person you hurt.

This makes it clear that you are accepting responsibility for your behavior.

2. You should atone directly to the person you wronged. Donating money to a charity,

becoming a big brother, or joining the Peace Corps will atone less effectively than

directly helping the one you hurt.

3. The atonement should be real, rather than symbolic. Lighting candles or writing a poem

will not rid you of the critic. What you do to atone has to cost you something in time,

money, effort, or even anxiety. And it has to be tangible enough so that it has an impact

on your relationship with the person who is hurt.

4. Your atonement should be commensurate with the wrong done. If your offense was a

moment of irritability, then a brief apology should do the trick. But if you’ve been cold

and remote for the past six months, then you’ll have to do a little better than “I’m sorry.”

Handling Criticism

1. When a critical remark is received, ask “what is one the other person’s movie screen?”

They are coming from a place of their own perceptions and are criticizing their own

perceptions.

2. Remember, people only criticize what is on their own movie screen and not your true

self.

3. Ask, “What is your intention in saying these things to me?”, “What’s your motivation?”

Ineffective methods for responding to criticism

1. Aggressive Style (Counterattack)

a. The benefit is only short term

b. Does not encourage intimacy or honesty

2. Passive Style – Agrees to change, becomes silent

a. Usually causes suppressed emotions

b. Seldom stops the attacker

3. Passive Aggressive – The worst of passive and aggressive put together

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- When attached a person will respond passively but later will get even by forgetting,

failing to keep a promise or being late.

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Effective Methods for Responding to Criticism

1. Most effective method is being assertive, not aggressive. Being assertive doesn’t attach,

surrender or sabotage

2. Clear up misunderstandings when they occur

3. Consider what is accurate and ignore the rest

4. Acknowledge when you are wrong

5. Agree in probability – “I could see how you could think that”

6. Agree in principle – “That could be the problem.”

7. Probing – Ask questions concerning what they are criticizing you about

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Forming Assertive Requests

An increase in self-esteem equals an increase in assertiveness

1. The form: Simply stating, “I want (when, where and with)”

Use “I” statements

a. I think…

b. I feel…

c. I want…

2. State the whole message when communicating

3. Negotiating and Requesting

a. If possible agree on a time to discuss the problem

b. Keep requests small enough to avoid massive resistance – keep it simple

c. Ask for more than what you want and then ask for less

d. Use I statements and stick to the facts

4. Do not blame or attack

5. Be specific

6. Use assertive high self-esteem body language during a request

a. Eye contact

b. Uncross arms and/or legs

c. Sit or stand erect

d. Speak firmly, clearly and audibly

7. Mention the positive consequences in them giving you what you want

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Assertiveness Training by Dick Sutphen

1. It is your right to do anything as long as you do not purposely hurt someone

else and you are willing to accept the consequences (without resentment.)

2. It is your right to maintain your self-respect by answering honestly, even if it

does hurt someone else (as long as you are being assertive rather than

aggressive.)

3. It is your right to be what you are without changing your ideas or behavior to

satisfy someone else.

4. It is your right to strive for self-actualization.

5. It is your right to use your own judgment as to the need priorities of yourself

and others, if you decide to accept any responsibility for another’s problem.

6. It is your right not to be subjected to negativity.

7. It is your right to offer no excuses or justifications for your decisions to

behavior.

8. It is your right not to care.

9. It is your right to be illogical.

10. It is your right to change your mind.

11. It is your right to defend yourself.

And:

12. It is your right to say no.

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General Strategy for Building Self-Esteem

1. Uncover negative beliefs

2. Create positive affirmations of self-worth and teach client how to use them

a. Index cards

b. Repeat often

c. Howitzer Mantras (“Cancel That” – followed by positive affirmations)

d. When falling asleep and when waking up

3. Hypnosis with suggestions and visualizations (recorded for repetitive use)

4. NLP Techniques, including:

a. Resourceful State

b. Stacking Anchors

c. Sphere of Excellence

d. Autobiography Exercise

e. Visual Squash Patterns

f. Visual Swish Patterns

g. New Behavior Generator

5. Teach Assertiveness Skills

6. Parts Therapy with Inner Critic/Parent, Child and Adult

7. Regression Therapy to Sensitizing Events

8. Homework based on the Self-Esteem exercises found in this Program