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alcoholism. Why? Because of the high expectations placed on children in

successful families. They have higher-than- usual levels of anxiety about their

performance, what kinds of people they are, whether they are truly

successful.

And the vast choice children of wealthy families have about what to do in lifecontributes to existential doubt - which is very stressful.

Brave, Self-Reliant and Imaginative

Bill and I didn't worry too much about raising children to live with wealth

because, at first, we didn't have it. Instead, we focused on building a family

culture. We wanted our children to be brave, self-reliant and imaginative.

So we took them to France to live. The challenge of living in France brought

our family together in a way that might not have been possible in the US. It

helped us create bonds of shared experience. We also developed shared

values and shared memories. We share a common experience that wove us

together as a family. In France, something very important happened to us as

a family. We became our own support system.

Of course, financial wealth is important. We believe - as you do too, I'm sure -

that wealth represents two things: opportunity and freedom. Precious things.

More precious than houses, cars, sailboats and cellphones. As a family, we

like that 19th-century idea of living a life in the pursuit of truth and beauty.

Collecting butterflies. Exploring dark continents. Being an inventor, a poet, a

philanthropist.

As the Bonner family matriarch - officially in charge of family and feelings -

here is the fruit of my experience and reflection. For a family to survive as a

useful unit, it has to be three things: strong, cohesive and flexible.

For a family to be strong, it has to share a common culture and common

values.

To be cohesive, it has to share things - places, memories, time together. A

common narrative, if you prefer.

It also has to be flexible, because rigid structures break under pressure. A

strong family culture still has to be able to allow its individual members toexercise free will. And I mean that in the Augustinian sense, not in the

libertine do- whatever-you-want sense. Free will in the sense of freedom to

choose the good, or the pursuit of a happiness that is based on the realization

of your particular talents and virtues.

But above all, a family has to be a place where feelings matter. It has to be a

place that you and your children, spouses and grandchildren associate with

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happiness. Otherwise, there are just too many internal and external pressures

pulling a family apart.

There are dangers too. I call them the "Three Ds":

1. Division - Jealousy, sibling rivalry, divorce - we all know examples in our

families or around us.

2. Dissatisfaction - Hurt feelings that go on for a lifetime, disappointments

that sour relations between siblings or toward parents.

3. Distance - Whether it be geographical or emotional. For a matriarch, it can

be her own career interests, charitable work... or the endless opportunities for

"self-improvement."

Bringing the Family Together

Counterbalancing the "Three Ds" that pull us apart are the "Three Cs" thatkeep us united:

1. Common values - Especially the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would

have them do unto you.

2. Connection - That sharing of places, memories - time so important for

creating a family culture. It's nice that we now have Skype, email and the

phone to help us bridge geographical distance. But we do have to use them!

3. Communication - What transmits those shared histories, shared ambitions,

shared perceptions that bind together a family in a shared culture.

Communication is the most important of the three. You have to be able to

communicate with your heirs if you want them to understand and follow your

plan to keep the family wealth together - to accept and even help develop the

institutions and structures that we've discussed here.

You have to be able to communicate your values and family culture to

potential spouses and actual spouses. This is something we have had

experience with. It is not always obvious. Nor does it follow a formula.

v You also have to be able to communicate with yourself. Maybe you and your

spouse have been so busy creating wealth and building a family that youhave not had time to look inside yourselves. Now is the time to understand

your own priorities, so that your message will be clear and easy to

understand.

But in my experience, there are three even more essential qualities that

make possible the kind of solid families we want to build, the kind of families

that can work together to hold onto and grow wealth over many generations.

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You might call these the matriarchal qualities. These are love, clarity and

kindness.

Love is the easy one because it is totally natural. And that's lucky, because it

is the basis for all enduring relationships, from a couple to an extended

family.

Clarity requires us to think. It is what you need in order to determine your

values and goals and to turn them into words so you can impart them to your

children, grandchildren, in-laws.

Finally, there is kindness. Love is not always gentle.

Clarity can be harsh - sometimes it has to be. But a word or a touch of

kindness can do so much to take away the sting.

With these qualities present, you will have a family - one that is capable of

holding itself together in a common purpose. As matriarchs, it's our role topass down not just the material capital, but also the emotional and

intellectual capital that endures over generations in so many successful

families.