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alcoholism. Why? Because of the high expectations placed on children in
successful families. They have higher-than- usual levels of anxiety about their
performance, what kinds of people they are, whether they are truly
successful.
And the vast choice children of wealthy families have about what to do in lifecontributes to existential doubt - which is very stressful.
Brave, Self-Reliant and Imaginative
Bill and I didn't worry too much about raising children to live with wealth
because, at first, we didn't have it. Instead, we focused on building a family
culture. We wanted our children to be brave, self-reliant and imaginative.
So we took them to France to live. The challenge of living in France brought
our family together in a way that might not have been possible in the US. It
helped us create bonds of shared experience. We also developed shared
values and shared memories. We share a common experience that wove us
together as a family. In France, something very important happened to us as
a family. We became our own support system.
Of course, financial wealth is important. We believe - as you do too, I'm sure -
that wealth represents two things: opportunity and freedom. Precious things.
More precious than houses, cars, sailboats and cellphones. As a family, we
like that 19th-century idea of living a life in the pursuit of truth and beauty.
Collecting butterflies. Exploring dark continents. Being an inventor, a poet, a
philanthropist.
As the Bonner family matriarch - officially in charge of family and feelings -
here is the fruit of my experience and reflection. For a family to survive as a
useful unit, it has to be three things: strong, cohesive and flexible.
For a family to be strong, it has to share a common culture and common
values.
To be cohesive, it has to share things - places, memories, time together. A
common narrative, if you prefer.
It also has to be flexible, because rigid structures break under pressure. A
strong family culture still has to be able to allow its individual members toexercise free will. And I mean that in the Augustinian sense, not in the
libertine do- whatever-you-want sense. Free will in the sense of freedom to
choose the good, or the pursuit of a happiness that is based on the realization
of your particular talents and virtues.
But above all, a family has to be a place where feelings matter. It has to be a
place that you and your children, spouses and grandchildren associate with
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happiness. Otherwise, there are just too many internal and external pressures
pulling a family apart.
There are dangers too. I call them the "Three Ds":
1. Division - Jealousy, sibling rivalry, divorce - we all know examples in our
families or around us.
2. Dissatisfaction - Hurt feelings that go on for a lifetime, disappointments
that sour relations between siblings or toward parents.
3. Distance - Whether it be geographical or emotional. For a matriarch, it can
be her own career interests, charitable work... or the endless opportunities for
"self-improvement."
Bringing the Family Together
Counterbalancing the "Three Ds" that pull us apart are the "Three Cs" thatkeep us united:
1. Common values - Especially the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you.
2. Connection - That sharing of places, memories - time so important for
creating a family culture. It's nice that we now have Skype, email and the
phone to help us bridge geographical distance. But we do have to use them!
3. Communication - What transmits those shared histories, shared ambitions,
shared perceptions that bind together a family in a shared culture.
Communication is the most important of the three. You have to be able to
communicate with your heirs if you want them to understand and follow your
plan to keep the family wealth together - to accept and even help develop the
institutions and structures that we've discussed here.
You have to be able to communicate your values and family culture to
potential spouses and actual spouses. This is something we have had
experience with. It is not always obvious. Nor does it follow a formula.
v You also have to be able to communicate with yourself. Maybe you and your
spouse have been so busy creating wealth and building a family that youhave not had time to look inside yourselves. Now is the time to understand
your own priorities, so that your message will be clear and easy to
understand.
But in my experience, there are three even more essential qualities that
make possible the kind of solid families we want to build, the kind of families
that can work together to hold onto and grow wealth over many generations.
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You might call these the matriarchal qualities. These are love, clarity and
kindness.
Love is the easy one because it is totally natural. And that's lucky, because it
is the basis for all enduring relationships, from a couple to an extended
family.
Clarity requires us to think. It is what you need in order to determine your
values and goals and to turn them into words so you can impart them to your
children, grandchildren, in-laws.
Finally, there is kindness. Love is not always gentle.
Clarity can be harsh - sometimes it has to be. But a word or a touch of
kindness can do so much to take away the sting.
With these qualities present, you will have a family - one that is capable of
holding itself together in a common purpose. As matriarchs, it's our role topass down not just the material capital, but also the emotional and
intellectual capital that endures over generations in so many successful
families.
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