Escape the Power Struggle (and the #Selfie)

The Communication Strategy for Becoming a More Empathetic Family

Dr. Joshua Straub

Breaking Free

Step I: Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall

Step II: Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel”

Step III: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story

Step IV: Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’

Step V: Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others.

Being Loved & Loving Others

We rely on secure base relationships in marriage

2 roles in attachment relationship: Secure-base use—(attachment) Secure base provision—(caregiving)

Signals distressSeeks comfortExperiences calmHealthy confidence

Secure Base Script

Secure Base User

Secure Base Provider

Interest = Availability

Awareness = Sensitivity, Concern

Empathy = Understanding, Comfort

Responsiveness = Care, Helpfulness

Four Basic Phases

Identification

Enhance Motivation and Commitment (Will Set)

Skill Acquisition Phase (Skill Set)

Skill Application and Follow-Through

Phase 1: Identification

Identifying emotional distress--e.g., anxiety, depression, addiction—and linking to interpersonal conflict

Can you see connection between relationship conflict and ongoing symptoms?

Phase 2: Will Set

The price of intimacy

Choosing between 3 options

Giving up intimacy incompatible attitudes and behaviors

The Price of Intimacy

Intimacy: Your willingness to endure the negative feelings you will get when you get close to another person.

– David Burns

Choosing 1 of 3 Options

One: Maintain Status Quo — continue trying to change the other person

Two: Leave the relationship

Three: Stay, but take 100% responsibility to change the way you deal with conflict

Giving Up Intimacy Incompatible Attitudes

Giving Up Blame: Your right to punish another person when they hurt you

Giving Up Being Right: Your right to be viewed by the other person as being right

Phase III: Skill Set

Empathy—acknowledging and accepting how another person feels and why they feel that wayAssertiveness—expressing your feelings, wants, needsRespect—being kind and valuing your relationship with other person

EmpathyInquiryFeeling empathy

what the other person is feelingThought empathy

why the other is feeling that wayDisarming

seeing grain of truth in other person’s criticism

Two Laws

The Law of Reciprocity (The Golden Rule)

&The Law of Opposite

AssertivenessExpressing your feelings:When you______________, I feel__________.Expressing what you need/wantExpressing your own negative feelings about your own behavior—humility• I’m really angry with myself for doing x.• This is really painful to hear, but there is a lot of truth in what you are saying

RespectD0• Be Kind• Overtly value the relationship• Give person benefit of doubtDon’t• Blame• Judge• Use sarcasm

Situational Description

-Moving beyond global, transitional description-Anchoring relationship events into an actual place and an actual time frame-Identifying a slice of time: with a beginning, a middle, and an end.-Block commentary/interpretations-Identify hotspot in the conversation-Move to Relationship Event Worksheet

Relationship Event Worksheet

1. What exactly did the other person say?2. What exactly did you say?3. How, exactly, did other person respond to your statement4. Evaluate what you said in step 2.

1. Empathetic?2. Assertive?3. Respectful?

5. Consequences: Did your response at 2 make things better or worse? Why?6. Revise 2

Three Pathways

Compliance Interaction

Grace Pathway

Truth Pathway

Safe House Pathway

Collaborative Problem Solving

E—Empathy A—Assert R—Respect

----------------------------- I—Invite C—Collaboration

Empathy

Listening and understanding child concernsHelping child articulate concerns what the concernTaking concerns seriouslyEmpathy is a reciprocal process, so you may try to empathize but if the child does not believe you understand then you have not empathized

Assert

Define problem, expressing concern or expectationDon’t mistake your solutions for concerns or expectationAppeal to rules as important principles to follow

Respect

Work at monitoring and managing your own emotion regulation—if too upset, go to pathway CNon-contingent respectNever use disrespect as a form of punishmentAvoid global, negative attributionsRemain warm—avoid triggering CER’s

Invite

Asking child to generate possible solutions Avoid forcing solutions Think out loud

Collaboration

Working with child to come up with workable solutions Help child use foresight and hindsight Model flexibility Model regulation Model respect Maintain warmth

Qualities of Good Solutions

When to use A When to use C Different kinds of C’s, some are better than others Two kinds of B’s Emergence Proactive—timing is everything

Moments of Connection

Turning conflict into learning