CM 1240TOPIC THREE

Editing Business Messages for Clarity

In this unit, we will examine:

Using concise wording Changing wordy phrases to single

adverbs Removing statements of the obvious Removing empty of needless adverbs Removing repetition and redundant

words

The link between communication and success as a businessperson

If you can’t put your message into clear and concise terms, you cannot expect results to match your goals

One of the most important skills a manager can have is the ability to clearly express ideas, suggestions, strategies and tactics

The Communication Process

Have you ever asked yourself...

“What is he/she trying to say?” “Where is he/she going with this?” “What is his/her point?” “When will this email/presentation/letter

end?”

Or... “I’m lost!”

This usually happens when people use too many words to try to say what they mean: speaking or writing

Why do we do this?

We were taught to focus on quantity over quality:

Essays (minimum word count) Time specification for presentation

How do we fix it?

Be Concise!

The word concise means, “using less to say more”

‘trim the fat’ off of your messages!

9

More is in vain when less will serve.

Isaac Newton

To be concise, learn to cut the lard in your writing.

10

Redundancies

Writing zeroes

Needless adjectives and adverbs

Needless passive voice

Needless words weigh down your prose.

11

absolute guarantee

my personal opinion

blended together

bright green in color

guarantee

my opinion

blended

bright green

Eliminate redundant words.

12

already existing

alternative choices

at the present time

presently

basic fundamentals

completely eliminate

continue to remain

currently being

empty space

first began

had done previously

introduced a new

mix together

never before

none at all

now at this time

period of time

private industry

separate entities

start out

still persists

whether or not

Zeroes are empty phrases that add lard to your sentences. They contribute nothing to meaning.

13

it is my intent to show that = 0

as a matter of fact = 0

as is well known = 0

it is noteworthy = 0

the presence of = 0

What else is a “zero” or a statement of the obvious?

I’m sending this email to notify employees of the new regulations.

Edited: Please note the new regulations

Other examples of stating the obvious

Some zeroes can be replaced with words that mean something.

16

at this point in time replace with now

at that point in time replace with then

has the ability to replace with can

has the potential to replace with will

in the event that replace with if

in the vicinity of replace with near

owing to the fact that replace with because

the question as to whether replace with whether

there is no doubt but that replace with no doubt

When you find zeroes, use delete.

17

Vibration measurements made in the course of the Titan flight test program were complicated by the presence of intense high-frequency excitation of the vehicle shell structure during the re-entry phase of the flight.

Vibration measurements made in the Titan flight were complicated by intense high-frequency excitation of the vehicle shell during re-entry.

Needless adjectives create lard-laden prose.

18

The objective of our work is to obtain experimental data that can be used in conjunction with a comprehensive chemical kinetics modeling study to generate a detailed understanding of the fundamental processes that leadto engine knock.

Our objective is to obtain experimental data to be used with a chemical kinetics model to explain the processes that lead to engine knock.

Many adverbs are unnecessary

19

rather unique

slows down

well demonstrated

The achievement of oursuccess relies veryheavily on a ratherdetailed understandingof the somewhat complexprocesses that governgas velocities.

unique

slows

demonstrated

Our success relies on understanding the complex processes that govern gas velocities.

Strategy for eliminating lard-laden prose.

Consider this sentence: Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people

toexpress the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words (38 words).

It’s not difficult to make this sentence more concise, but I’m using an easy lard-laden sentence in order to demonstrate a strategy for revising prose to be more concise.

Use the following strategies when you have a more complicated sentence that is filled with lard.

20

1. Remove Repeated Words

What does repeated mean? Sometimes (in legal documents, for

example), repetition is needed for clarity

However, when it can be avoided, we should do so

1. Remove Repeated Words

Consider this sentence:

I gave the files to the file-clerk to be filed in the filing cabinet

Ah! Let’s edit that, shall we? I gave the files to the clerk to be put in the

cabinet.

Much better!

1. Remove Repeated Words

Repeating word roots Repetition is about patterns: if refers to the habit

of repeating roots, words, or phrases needlessly

Example: A)Repeated Root: We will meet for the meeting.

Edited: We will have a meeting.

1. Remove Repeated Words

Example: B) Repeated Word:

Our department’s managers should try to keep their managers’ needs in mind, when we are shaping policies that may affect many of the managers in the company.

Edited: Our department's managers should try to keep our

needs in mind when we are shaping policies that may affect many of the executives in the company.

Note: Notice how the word managers is repeated for clarity, but it unnecessary. It can be replaced by a pronoun or by a synonym (a word that means the same thing)

1. Remove Repeated Words

Repeating Phrases This is easy to spot as well and can be easy to fix.

Example: C) Repeated Phrase:

This week, we will begin a progress report on the profits from the first quarter, to compare with the progress report of the profits from the last quarter

Edited: This week, we will begin a progress report on the

profits from the first quarter to compare with the one from the last quarter

Step 1: Identify Repeats (all forms)

Wordiness is a word that is often used by many people to express the idea that something that was written by someone in a larger number of words could have been expressed in a smaller number of words.

Eliminate what seems easiest.

Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express theidea that something written by someone in a larger number ofwords could have been expressed in a smaller number of

words.

We now have eliminated 4 words – it’s a start.

26

2. Converting Wordy Prepositional Phrases to Single Adverbs

What is a preposition? Examples?

2. Converting Wordy Prepositional Phrases to Single Adverbs

Therefore, a prepositional phrase is a phrase that results when a group of subordinate words begin with a preposition.

After the meeting, we will call the customers in Dubai

2. Converting Wordy Prepositional Phrases to Single Adverbs

When are they wordy?

Sometimes a prepositional phrase can tell us about the manner of something

He edited the memo in a careful manner.

Remember these?

Step 2: Substitute Phrases with Words

Wordiness is a word often used by many people to express the idea {means} that something written by someone in a larger number of {more} words could have been expressed in a smaller number of {fewer} words.

Wordiness means that something written in more words

could have been expressed in fewer.

That move cut 20 words, so we now have 14 total.

30

Step 3: Eliminate Expendable Phrases and Be Specific.

If the sentences refers to both writing and speech, then no

need to specify writing.

Wordiness means that something written in more words

could have been expressed in fewer. (14 words)

Wordiness means using more words than necessary. (7 words).

Note: be certain the phrase is expendable.31

Why Stop Now?

Wordiness means using too many words.

From 38 to 6 words.

When you first start editing for conciseness, it may be unsettling because a document you thought was finished may be reduced to little more than a few paragraphs.

When that happens, consider what you have not included such as specific details, examples, analogies, etc. and develop your writing to fulfill the intended purpose.

32