3 ThemeDescription4 Parakay

5 PoemsandSongs6 Unsaid7 AsILookAtYou8 13SticksbutAlwaysBackto110 Fortune11 Gathering12 Hapdi13 IHateYou14 KeyinTree15 Name16 MyPaper-InkExistence18 Poem119 Reasons20 SecondApril21 SexWithoutLove22 Status23 ThankYou,EdgarAllanPoe24 TheMender25 Tobetrappedbyawoman’sincapacity26 TowhatI’mfeeling28 Whowouldhavethought...29 Why30 YouNeverSawThisComing31 YouWeren’taFallacy32 8Minutes33 ...34 Hey36 Untitled

38 ShortStories39 BlueRose41 FamilyMatters48 Kiss49 WhenHeFell

56 Photographs57 Fast58 ItCouldHaveBeenBetter

59 Contributors

Paraitosa‘dimapakaliatnaghihintayparinsasandalinatuluyannangmagwawakasangpamba-bahalasabukas.

Paraitosaumiibignapinupuslitsahimigosapapelattintaanglihimnainiingatan.

6

UnsaidAnonymous

IknowsheknowsThatwheneverIlookintohereyesIwanttolookintoherwholebeing

IknowsheknowsThatwheneverItouchhercheekIwanttotouchhersoul

IknowsheknowsThatwheneverIholdherhandIwanttoholdherheart

IknowsheknowsThatwheneverItellherIloveherIwishshecouldlovemeback

7

AsILookatYouI.A.

ThoseeyesTellmestoriesof wondersandIwonderwhy

IbecomestumpedandlosecontrolOf allthethingsIbelievedbeforeAndonethingIwishfromyouisPleasestoplookingatmelikethat.

ThosewordsLingerinmyheadlikedancingaway

FromallshameandIthinkTheyworkwellwhenyoumeanthemAndwhenIknowwhattheymean.

IusedtofeelnumbAndI’vebeenthinkingthatWhynottakemychances

LeteverythingfallintoplacesAndfallforyou.

Yesterdaywasalong-livedmemoryItmeantnothingbecauseYouwerenothingthen

AndtodayiseverythingIneverthoughtofWhatIwishedallmylife.

8

13SticksbutAlwaysBackto1LikeAFoojin

“Istartedthehabitcauseitmademehappy.Ineverreallyunderstooditwhenpeopletoldmetheydiditcausetheywerestressed.”

I flip it open, pull one out and reinsert it in reverse.My second is my first.

1stickIbreatheindeeply,holdingitinlikethefeelingthathauntsme.

It’s the first time I’ve taken one without a drink to accompany it.MyheadfeelslightandIexhale,wishingthatalltheillleavewiththesmoke.

Itdoesn’t.I finish. And light another.

2sticksItrytopushitoutof mymind,wishingitwouldalljustgoaway.

Onlymysecondandtheevening’sstillyoung.MyfriendasksmewhyIfeelsooutof it.

It’sgoingtobealong,longnight.I finish. And light another.

3sticksIknowthisisn’twhatIwant;I’mnotfeelinganybetter.

Butthat’sexactlyit.I’mdoingthisnottobehappy.Mychestheavesatthethoughtof whereI’mgoing.Iwondertomyself whyI’vemadethisresolution.

I finish. And light another.

9

4sticksIrunthewordsthroughmymindinarepeatingmonotonoussymphony.

ProblemshavecomeandgoneandI’vedealtwiththembeforewithoutdoingthis.Sheasks:“Whystartnow?”Atwo-wordostinatobeginstoplayinresponse.

“Whynot?”I finish. And light another.

7sticksIfeellikeIskippedovermylasttwo.

Feelsdrywithoutadrinkbutthecoldairandcompanykeepsmegoing.She’s shared a couple in the pack. It’s comforting to know I won’t finish it all alone.

Butevenif shewasn’thereI’dcarryon.I finish. And light another.

13sticksIlookupatthenightsky.There’snomoontonight.

Don’t ask the time. It’s moved so slowly as I go fly by so fast.Whateverreasontheytellyouwhenyouaskthem“Why?”

Don’teverbelievethem.They’relying.I finish. And light another.

I’velostcount.Only to find myself back at one. First stick.

I take it between my fingers and close my eyes and ponder.Thereisonlyonethingwewishforinthedepthsof ourheartsand

Thereisonlyonereasonforafeelingsuchasthis.Iwishforboth.Foryou.Forhappiness.Yourhappiness.

Admitit.Youallwishforthistoo.Allthetime.I open another pack and find myself at 1 once again.

10

Fortunetivoli

Turningoverthecardsof fate,TheQueenof Heartsappearstome.Outof reach.Intoodeep.Woeforme.Again I reach and shuffle quickHopingmyQueencomesclosertome.

11

GatheringRalphDantes

If recollectingwereforgetting,ThenIremembernot.

Andif forgetting,recollecting,HownearIhadforgot.

If tomiss,weremerry,Andtomournwereglad

How very blithe the fingersThatgatheredthistoday.

12

Sa

AkingPagkabata

HabangnaglalaroAkoaybiglangnadapa

DahilsasakitnanadamaPalayawnapag-iyakakingpinak’walan

Ngunit‘dinagtagalpinunasangtubigLuha’ykaydalingnauwisasigla

NgayonakingtinitingnanangsariliSasalaminako’ynagmuni-muni

AkoaymulingumiiyakNgunitangsugatnanadarama

AyhindinadulotpaNgDapa.

HapdiAnonymous

13

IHateYouAnonymous

Ihatethatyoutalktomeeveryday.

IhatethatIalwayscheckif you’reonlineornot,andclickyournameimmediatelyif youare.

IhatethatIalwayslookforyouafterclass.

Ihatethatyoulaughatallmyjokes.

Ihatethatyou’resonicetome.

Ihatethatyoubringmehome,evenif Idon’tneedaride.

Ihatethatyouhugmeatthemostrandomtimes.

Ihatethatsmileof yoursthatalwaysmakesmyday.

Ihatethatyousay,“Iloveyou”tomeandnotmeanitinthatway.

Ihatethatyoudon’tandIdo.

Okay,I’mlying.Idon’thateyou,Inevercan.

IjustwishIcouldhateyousoitwouldn’thurtsomuch.

14

KeyinTreetivoli

Farewelltotheskyandtoallthatglimmeredinfrontmineeyes.

Foreverythinghaslostitslustre

ImmeasurableWorthOf yourcompanyIsought,Found,Forsaken,

Foranotherholdsthekeytoyourgarden.

15

NameMadsSalazar

It was difficultButtherearenomoremistakes

TheyknowwhoIlove

16

MyPaper-InkExistenceAvrilBries

My words are little more than broken lines on dragonfly wingsandtwo-pennywishesonstarsthatneverlearnedtofall;oryetagainhalfwaydreamshangingfrompuppetstrings.Butneverjustwords;eitherIwriteformore,ornotatall.

Peoplearecompilationsof whatthey’reexpectedtobe;pragmaticpaperdollsinsky-castles,hand-in-hand,

trappedinsidethebelljarof whattheycall“reality”,their heads filled with pretensions they can’t understand.

This is my fragile flight carried by crumbling whispersof anantheminsidetheheadsof allwerunaways

andescapists;ourwordsareourprayersforthecondemnedtothishumdrumeveryday

of theafterthoughtsandwhat-should-have-beensclutteredwithman-mademachinesandclichésplastered with squiggles and unintelligible grinsvandalizingthevacuumthatbegsforaphrase

tobewrittenacrossthedesuetudeandwastededgesthatholdnothinginside.

Strangehowemptinesscanbesocrudewhen it’s filled with tears we never bothered to cry.

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Theysaywe’recrazy;maybewe’retheonlyonessane.There’snothingwrongindancingtoamusewepreferunheard—

so let me make it clear; this is all quite (un)explainedbecausetheonlytruthIhaveiswhatIputdowninthewords;

butnooneseemstocareforpreachingandpoems.They’drathergetalivingthanhavehopesorrevelationsinsidetheirlittleBarbieworldcontainedinplasticdomes

hardandshinylikeheartsthatproducebloodbutnotemotions.

WhyremaininyourNovocainslipstreamof simulatedloveanddead-endvocations?If youstartyourlifeattheendof adream,your squinted eyes will only blur the visions

thatremainif youcanpickthemupfromtheshards;bloodornone,stillIholdtovalidatemyexistence

insteadof beingavictiminthisshakyhouseof cards—from the captured into the captor with a final sentence.

Don’tgivemesleepingpillsbecauseIrefusetoclosemyeyes.Inaparallelworldmypaper-inkheartmaybedeadbutinthisoneIchoosetoliveanddreaminstead

so leave me to hold onto this pedestal floating above your lies.

18

Poem1EnzoClemente

Aplacewherefewhavebeenbefore Withonlymyself asaguide Whowouldhavethoughtthatitwouldbemyparadise? Soaringhighabovethemountains Passingthroughrockyroadsandsteepways SeeingthingsIcouldhaveneverimagined Iaskmyself,AmIstillalive? Walkingthroughforests,notknowingwhereitwilllead Icanonlyrelyonmylovedonesforaid Puttingourmindstogether, Wetooktheriskandsawnature’sgifts. Seeingtheblueskiesatday Amazedbytheviewof brighttinyspotsatnight Togetherwithnewandoldfriends, Wewishuponstarsforittoneverend. Butasthesunrisesandgivesusabrandnewday, Wearetornapart,notwantingtoputanend. Dropsof waterfalling,warmthof bodiesfromalldirections, Reminiscing,longingforthesamejourneyonemoretime

19

ReasonsAnonymous

Iloveyou-becauseyougetmewhennooneelsedoes.I’mnotafraidtotellyouanythingbecauseyouwon’tjudgeme.I’mnotcapableof doubtingyou.Youdon’talwaysreplybutIknowyou’relistening.YoucantellmethatI’mwrongandmakemebelieveit.You’recapableenoughbutyoucanstillmakeroomformetobeabletohelpyou.Iloveyou.Because,Ineverneededareasonto.Ijustdo.

20

SecondAprilRalphDantes

Aprilthisyear,nototherwise ThanAprilof ayearago,

Fullof whispers,fullof sighs, Of dazzlingmudandgrimysnow;

Flowersthatpleasedyouso Are here again, and butterflies.

Thereringsahammeringallday, Andblockslieaboutthedoors; Inorchardsnearandfaraway

Thegreywood-peckertapsandbores; Themenaremerryattheirchores, Andchildrenearnestattheirplay.

Thelargerstreamsrunstillanddeep, Noisyandhastythesmallbrooksrun. Amongthemeadowstalksthesheep

Goupthehillsideinthesun, Pensively,onlyyouaregone,

youalonethatIcaredtokeep.

21

SexWithoutLoveAvrilBries

Pillowtalk,likeeveryotherlanguagereasonsnotinwordsbutinthecontext.

Loveandlustholdthesameitems,butit’showyouusethemthatreallymatters:thebivalveroundness,thesecretpink

shellof secretsthatyouconsumebutdonotcomprehend,thehandsthatlearnof sensitivitybutnotof soul,

themouththatmapsthecontoursof heatwithoutheart—thesecomplicatednuancesmakethedifference

in our definition: lovers, partners by convenience, an obsession, an experiment,a mutual understanding (why then do I fail to comprehend

this schadenfraude addiction, this taking advantage?).Youneverreadbetweenthelines,only

betweenmylegs—thenyourweightrollsoff mine.Thereyouhavethestory,beginningandend.

Itismovementlikethiswhichremindsmethattherearecorpsesintheground,lonely flesh, soundless bodies made

of stickyclay,emptierthanthegraveyardstheyresidein;thissamenihilismlaysinthesheets

beneathus,soakedswollenwiththesmellof suppressedemotionsanduntamedmotions,

stainedwhitelikeanironicportraitof innocence.

22

StatusAnonymous

IwonderwhywelearnTobelonelywhenwealreadyfoundour

Specialsomeone.Commitment?Whoneedsthat?

OnlyyouisallIneedMyheartmissesyouwhenyou’reaway

Pleasestay.Lovingyouisforbiddenbut

I’mwillingtofacetherisk,breaktherulesCanwegraduatenow

Andlivetherestof ourlivesTogether?

Everyone’saskingwhatweareDowereallyneedtoanswerthemnow?

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Thankyou,EdgarAllanPoetheBiggestFan

KeepingmeawayandastraybecausethoughtsdolingerBeinmyheadalldayandneverletyourself go

Killthetimefortimewillhealitself,itwon’tcareforyouandmeWhattimecanleadusissomethingfarfromthereality

Ibegintosay,itwillstaythisway.

24

TheMendertivoli

If yourheartwouldbebrokenbyanother,cometomeandI’llpickitup,tapeitso,andgiveitbacktoyou.Butif everyourheartwouldbebrokenbyme,comecloseandwithnaryatearI’llpluckmineouthandittotheeandwhisperinyourear.

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Tobetrappedbyawoman’sincapacityAllthingsarcane Iamtrappedbyawoman’sincapacity Andforeversilencedbymylongingforyou. I am never to utter the first word Aswecannotbetooforwardnortoorash. Icanonlywait,bestill,foryou, Sendupmywishtothesmilingsky Then dream quietly of your music Grazingtheinsideof mycheeks, But awake with a flourishing sea Thatblocksmyvision. Iamnevertorecitetoyoumyodes. Onlyinthiscoldanight,whenmyinnardsshiver, CanIspeaklouderthanthebrightestmoon. Stirringmysoul,notyours Nothingcouldbeworsethan Myprovincebeingshookbyyourbeauty, Battlefields won and lost inside my skin, Butmyexteriorkepthushedandmotionless. (My affliction can never be cured, Unless you grow an affliction too.) Not a love unrequited can be worse than Tobetrappedbyawoman’sincapacity Andforeversilencedbymyaffectionsforyou.

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TowhatI’mfeelingReuelRealin

NoIcannotsay

Iloveyouandwhateverhappens

thisfriendshipismuchworththan

beinglovers

thememorieswehaveshared

andthemoments

wehavetreasureditwillneverbefor

wastedefforts

forgetthatI’mwillingtotake

arisk

IdonotwishthatonedayIcouldloseyouand

bysayingsuch

“Iloveyou”

becomes

“Ilikeyou”

andmy heart will never ask questions

whenthetimeitdoeswhenithasgrownintosomethingelseand

theonlythingtosaytothisfriendshipisYes.

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Yestheonlythingtosaytothisfriendshipiswhenithasgrownintosomethingelseandwhenthetimeitdoesmy heart will never ask questionsand

“Ilikeyou”

becomes

“Iloveyou”

bysayingsuchonedayIcouldloseyouandIdonotwishthat

it’sariskthatI’mwillingtotakeForgetwastedefforts

itwillneverbeforwehavetreasuredthemomentsandwehavesharedthememories

beingloversismuchworththanthisfriendshipwhateverhappensIloveyouandIcannotsayNo

TowhatI’mfeelingReuelRealin

28

WhoWouldHaveThought…TheTermsof Endearment

WhowouldhavethoughtthatIcouldtrulysaythatIfeelyourpain?

WhowouldhavethoughtthatI’dwishyoudidn’thaveto?Hopingthatyouneverneededto?PrayingthatI’mwrongaboutitall.

WhowouldhavethoughtthatI’deveracceptit?Happiness;NotthatIwillnotbutit’sbecausethatIcannot.Dreaming,Icouldbe,buttruthisI’m

nottheone.

WhowouldhavethoughtthatI’dstandherenaked?

WhowouldhaveguessedthatIthoughtyouweretheonewhocouldtearthesewallsdownaroundme?

Noonewouldhaveeverknownthatyou’dbethereasontomakethemstronger.

Thankyou,youtaughtmealessononlyyoucouldeverteach.Nowwhowouldhavethoughtof that?

29

Why?Anonymous

IamnotthemostbeautifulgirlIwouldn’tevenconsidermyself attractive

Idon’tknowwhatyousawinmeAndIjustcan’tunderstandwhyyoulikeme

IamnotthemostcaringgirlIevenpunchyourfaceveryoftenEvenif you’rephysicallyhurting

Whyareyoustillstayingupwithme?

IamnotthemostintelligentgirlIcan’tevenexpressmyself well

Comparedtoyou?You’reohsogreat!Why’d you even talk to me in the first place?

Iamnottheprettiest,sweetest,smartestButwhydoyouloveme?

Idon’tdeservesuchperfectloveYetIcan’thelpmyself butloveyoutoo

30

YouNeverSawThisComingLikeAFoojin

“Foreveryboywho’severfoundthemselvesinexplicablyenamoredwithspecialgirlwho’spassedyourway.You never saw this coming.”

ShetakesyourbreathawayEntering the room like butterflies and hurricanes

Roaringbeautyinthewhispersof hermovingmotionsEyesalluring,enchanting,captivating

NeverhadachancethemomentshewalkedinDevastatingeverythingyouthoughtyoueverknewofInspirations,aspirations,andwhatdreamsmaycome

Prudencewouldhavebeenthepracticalcourseof actionInstead,unprepared,off-guard,andtakencompletelybysurprise

ThisperfectiondreamedintoexistencehastakenyourheartYouweredoomedfromthestart

31

YouWeren’taFallacyKennethReyes

wherehaveyougonetomydear?wheredoyousleep?

inawaterfall,betweenasteroidsundermyeyelids

andacrossmystreet

youwereasrealastheplanetsonmybedandwearedestinedfornothing

no fire, no sacrificenolimitsthere

your fingernails, your starethesyntaxof yourhairforgetthepanicroom

let’scallitadayno,let’scallitalife

ionlysingKTVandeventheniwouldnotsingforyou

ican’tbeyourknightsoibeyoursnake

don’t fidget as i hold youstaysteadymydear

howdoiexplainthis?allwordsaregone

everythingfallsaway

32

8minutesAnonymous

IstandaloneontheshoretodayGazingacrossthestill,silentseathatbeforemelayIlookback2daysago,youwereherewithmeItwas8minutesto6,maybe.

We were sitting quietly, it was dusk alreadyPicturesque, but no doubt, it didn’t equal your beautyTheseabreezeblewagainstmesadlyAndmademelongforthewarmthyourembrace gaveme

If IcouldIwouldhaveheldhandswithyouButIdidn’twantyoutoletgoNowjust3minutestosix,motionlessonthatspot

“Whydoubtourlove?Whynow,mydear?”IpulledyoucloseandwhisperedinyourearTogetherwe’llrisk,we’llbattleourfearsIwillbetheretodryyourtears

1 last minute to 6, you finally looked at meYou’rereallygoing,yourchestnuteyesaretellingmeIwantedyoutostayButIlovedyoutoomuch,Iletyouhaveyourway

IstandaloneontheshoretodayWondering,whatif youdidn’tgoawayIlookbackatourmemoriesandcry‘causeaftereverything,8minuteswereallittookfor youtosaygoodbye

33

...PattyBucao

34

HeywordsandmusicbyWillJSarmiento

Verse:Idon’thavesweetsickeninglinesthattalkabouthowyoushouldbemine.AllIhaveismysincerity.

Anditallplayedbackjustnowinmyhead,allthewordsthatIcould’vejustsaidCozwhatcameoutwasamysterytome

(it was like)

Chorus:HeyHowyoudoin?Whereyougoin?CanIcometoo,butdidyouknow?ThatI’vefallenforyou

Areyouupyet,how’dyousleep?Haveyouhadlunchyetdoyouwannaeat?ThisishowIsay,I’vefallenforyou

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Verse:Itellmyself thatthisistheday.I’ve built up the courage to finally sayjusthowmuchyoutrulymeantome.

SoIwalkuptoyouwithasmileonmyface,apepinmysteplikeIowntheplace.Open my mouth so you can finally hear, how i feel

(I was like)

[Chorus]

Bridge:Imaynotevertellyou,howItrulyfeel.Buttakemywordforit...

fallinginloveisreal

[Chorus]

36

UntitledwordsandmusicbySimoneCarpio

SomanythoughtshavecrossedinmymindDon’treallyknowhowtofacerealityTimeandspace...MemorieshavepassedBut all the more the questions grow vast

Unsureof thepastthatbroughtmetonowWhatremainsclearisthefutureof doubtWhyamIinthiskindof position?IhopeImaketherightdecision

Chorus:GivemeasignShowmethewayForconfusionhasovercomemeIdon’tknowhowtodealwithitI’mgraspingforthetruthThisfeeling’sgettingthebestof me

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My head is filled with uncertaintyIt’scomplicated,can’tyousee?Ican’tseemtomakeupmymindThese life-changing answers I need to find

Chorus

Bridge:Idon’tknowwhattobelieveanymoreOrevenwhototrust,what’sthatfor?Thepaininmyheart,isitpossible?IfeelbrokennowI’mvulnerable

Chorus

39

BlueRoseAncillaInocencio

Theysaythatdreamsdocometrue,thatdreamsaresupposedtogiveyouhopeforwhattomorrowmightbring.However,youareboundtonotlikeallof yourdreams.Somedreamsarebeautifulyetsomearealittletraumatic.Butif todreamadreamisbetterthantodreamnothingatall,andtheworldinyourdreamsendsupbeingbetterthanthisworld,wouldyoustillwanttowakeup?

Wewereyoungwhenhewascourtingme.ClassesalreadyendedandIwasleftalonetowaitforourdriver.Hesuddenlycamewithabluerose,alldressedupandlookingveryhandsome.Asasymbolof loveandprosperity,thebluerosecaughtmyattention.Itdoesnotexistinnature,butseeingitmadeeverythingfeelmagical.Itenchantedmyheartasitwasalmostlikeawandthatswayedtomakethisfairytalehappen.

Wewerepracticingforpromwhenthegirlsoutnumberedtheboys.Beingthetallestgirlintheclass,Ihadtowaitforaboytocomebackfromhispreviouspartnertobemypartner.ThebigdaycameandI,onceagain,wasleftalonewhilewaitingformypartnertorunbackforme.Lookingallworried,Iwasstartingtofeelself-pity.Butthenhecamerunninglikeaheroreadytorescuehisdamselindistress.Hecamebackformeeventhoughhewasnotmyactualpartner.I’dhatetothinkit,butitfeltlikedestinygaveusachancetowalkthroughthatballoonarchandredcarpettogether.

Ayearcamebysofastandwealreadygraduated.WepartedwaysashestudiedwherehisdadteacheswhileIwentwiththeuniversityof mydreams.Weneversaweachothersincethen.Weusedtohavecommonfriendswhowespendtimewith,butbirthdayscamebyandhenevershowedup.Hedidn’tevenshowupinhisbestfriend’sbirthday.

“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies,” and for his case, time has truly changedhim.Heprobablyhadmovedonwithhiscollegelifeorhemighthaveforgottenabouthispast.Whateverhisreasonsmaybe,Istillkeptthebluerosehegaveme.

We were on a college field trip when we accidentally met. Our eyes met and talked butnowordscamefromourmouths,notevenasimplegreeting.Severalscenesstartedto flood my mind; each and every one had him in it. I just couldn’t understand how he managestolingerinmymindwhilesimplecollegetopicscan’t.Hehastrulymadehismarkinmeandunfortunately,heusedapermanentink.

MemorieswithhimsuddenlystartedtofadeintothebackgroundasIstrivedtorememberthemall.Theystartedtodisappearlikemagic,asif nothingeverhappened.Myblueroseturnedintoashesandwasblownawaywiththewind.Thoseashesandthose memories were all gone in a split second. But in the first place, were they even real?

40

Abluerosedoesnotexistinnature,weremymemoriesnotexistentaswell?Istartedtofeelpaininmychestasmyeyesstarttoopenwithtearscomingout.Thefeelingwasnotatallsurreal,thoughitfeltmagical.Unfortunately,itwasalladream;abittersweet,fictional dream.

41

FamilyMattersBySiegAlegado

Isattherewaitingforsomedivinebeingtoclearupmyhead.IsattherelikethewayIsattheresinceundergraduateschool.Withamugof macchiatoonmyhandandDunhillontheotherIstayedontheporch.

ThebreezeembracedmybodyasIcuddledmyself insearchforrelief.Withmyarmsaround my legs, one hand clasped on the mug and a cigarette in between the fingers of theotherIlookeduptheskyinsearchforanswers.Whatwaslifefor?Iwondered.Iwondered,justthewayIwonderedforyears.Isattherethinkingaboutthebitterpast,therestlesspresent,andtheuncertainfuture.Isatthere—andthisvoicecame.Andnoitwasn’tGod’s.

“Hey!”Papasaid,“Iwasrightthinkingyou’reintheporch.Youspendmostof yournightshere.Ialwayswonderedwhat’sinherethatyouaresofondabout.”

Ididn’twanttomindhim.Hehasbeenalwayslikethat.Annoying,thatis.Heneverfailedtozoominatthepinnacleof myemotionalmoments.OneinparticularthatIrememberintenselywaswhenIlockedmyself atmyroomwaybackinseniorhighafterseeing Mama and Papa fight. Seeing them, for the first time, hurl up words against each otherwasjusttoomuchformetohandle.AloneinmyroomIshoutedmyheartout.Iwasmad.Ithoughtof howfunitwouldbetobeborninanotherfamily.IdeclaredhowIdidn’twanttobeapartof thechaos.AndIwishedtheyweren’tmyfamily.

Ididn’tknowthatPapaunlockedthedoor.Hebuttedin.HebuttedinjustthewayhebuttedinonmytantrumswhenIwassix.“Didyoueverthinkif weeverwishedyouweren’tourson?”Papaasked.Thatwasablowthathitmelikeathousandcannonballshittingaship.Wehadthattalk.ItwastheonlytimeIrememberthetwoof ustalklikecrazy.Wetalkedaboutlove,life,anddreams.Butwenevertalkedaboutthefamily.

Afamilymatterwassomethingthefamilynevertalkedabout.Somethingweneverbroughtup.

Itookasipatthemugandasked,“Pa,whyareyoustillawake?It’spasttwelve.Don’tyouhaveameetingwithDi-pe tomorrowmorning?”Yes,Di-pe—TitoBert.AlbertoGotaucotherestaurateur,therestauranttycoon.

42

“Wecancelledthemeeting.Itseemshehastorunsomeerrands.Bert,he’salwayslikethat.Cancelsmeetingsonsuchashortnotice,”Papareplied,“Canwetalk?Iwanttotalktoyouforsometimenow.”

“WearetalkingPa.Andwhat’swithmethatyou’resuddenlyinterestedin?”

“Ijustwantsomefather-sonbonding.Ijustwanttoknowwhatyouhavebeenuptolately,”hesaidashelitacigaretteusingthelighterIplacedonthecoffeetable,“So,how’slifebeengoingkiddo?”

Kiddo,thewayhesaidkiddomademefeellikeatoddlerwantingsomemeagerattentionfromhisdad.Itmademefeellikeanorphandesiringhisparents’goodnightkissontheforehead.

“Crazy,that’showmylifehasbeensincecollege.It’slikearoadtripgonewild.Iloveit!”

“You’restillfullof sarcasm.Eh,kiddo?”hesaidashepuffedwhitesmokethatdriedoutmyvisionof him,

“Bytheway,Bertaskedmeaboutwhereyouplantoholdyourexhibit.”

“Whydidheask?”

“He knows this fine gallery in Bonifacio High Street. He can book that for you, for fee. Hesaidyoucantalktohimatyourbrother’sparty.”

“Really,he’lldothat?DidIdosomethingnice?”

“You’rethetalkof thetown.Bert’sfriendskeeponaskingaboutyoueversinceyourphotographywasfeaturedinthatlifestylemagazineshow.”

“Wow,thisfamilyreallyhasaknackforshowingtheworldhowwarmandperfectweare.Whybother?It’snotasif I’maBartopnotcherlikeMark.”

Ourfamilyseemedtobehappy.Papabeingasuccessfulentrepreneur,withagrocerychaininCaviteandotherventureswithDi-pe,wasagoodprovider.Mama,ontheotherhand,couldwinbesthomemakerof thecentury.Shekeptthehousesotidythatatonepointitseemedwewouldn’tneedhousehelpanymore.Shepreparedpackedlunchfor

43

Markandmeupuntilourundergraddays.Andshegrewthenicestorchidsinthevillage.

MarkandIweredoingwellinschool.Mark,of course,wasthebetterof ustwogarneringawardsinnationaldebateandspeechcompetitions.Thefourof uswerealwayspresentatthevillagechurchonSundays.AndbothMamaandPapaalwaysattendedourschoolaffairs.Everythingappearedtobeperfectattheexterior.Butintheinterioreverythingwascrippling.

“Bartopnotchornot,weareproudof youAnton.”

“PleasePa.Alawschooldropout,chainsmoker,confusedartistforason,abrother,anephew.Allof youmustreallybeproud.”

“Well, you’re unique.”

“Areyoujoking?Pa,pleasedon’teventrytosoundlikeonecooldad.”Buthewasandisacooldad,atleastthat’swhatmyfriendssay.Fortheloveof God,hewearsthelatesttrendslikeheisworkinginfashionhouse,andhisgymbuddyisMark.AndbackinhighschoolheaskedforEminem’s8milealbumforaChristmasgift.Ithought—whatonearthiswrongwithmyfather?Shouldn’thebeaskingforBarbaraStreisand’sorNeilDiamond’sgreatesthitsalbum,instead?

DuringaroadtriptoPagudpudonesummer,PaandMarkwerelisteningtoSlapshock.MarkbanginghisheadlikethepassengerseatwasarockconcertvenueandPa,myGod,roaringoutthelyricslikehewasJonBonJovigonenuts.Iwasatthebackseathopingwereachtheresortasoonaspossibleandgetmyassoutof theExpedition.AndMamawaslookingoutthewindowlikeshewasanticipatingthecryof theoceancausedbythecrashingof waves.

Mama was always like that on our family trips, always sitting quietly looking out the windowpane.Ihadalwayswantedtostrikeinwithrandomremarksaboutthetriporanythingthatconcernstheworldandourpettylives.ButIneverdid.WithPapaandMark having their loud moments, I found it sensible that the two of us had our quiet ones.Yin-Yang,that’sjustthewayitshouldbe.

“That’saknock-outAnton.I’mabsolutelyhappyyou’reopeningup.SweetJesus,Ithoughtitwouldtakeyouforeverbeforeyouspeakyourmind,”hesaid.

44

“If thereisonethingIlearnedfromlawschoolthatistospeakmymind,”IsaidasItookinalittlesmoke.

“DoyouknowthatImetyourmominlawschool?”

“Lawschool?Thetwoof youattendedlawschool?”

“Well,yes.Yourmomwasalwaysinthelibrary.Totellyoufrankly,Ineverreallywantedtostayatthecampuslibrary.Ineverlikedtoseethesectionscrampedwithstudentscramming,sleepingprobablyaftercrammingortakinganexam,andkillingtimereadingnewsmagazinesthatpiledupfromthoseyearsthatpassedby.Ineverlikedwaitingforafewminutesuntilsomebodygotboredorexhaustedonwhateverheorshewasdoingandvacateoneof thosecarrels.Butalltheboyswereinthelibrary,stalkingher.SoIwasthereallafternoon.Onedaywewereinvitedtothispartyasororityorganized.Yourmomwaspartof it,soweobliged.Everybodywasdrunkthatnight,includingmeandyourmom.Andeverythingthatfollowedcametobe.”

“Wow,veryprofoundlovestoryPa.Bytheway,Ididn’tknowthatyouandMaattendedlawschool.”

“Igotyourmompregnant.Imarriedher.YourAngkong gotmadatmefordoingthat.”

Ipuffedsmokeandsaid,“Whathappenednext?”

“Webothdroppedoutfromlawschool.Ithinkthat’sobvious,”Papasaidashethrewthecigarettebuttintheashtray,“AndIwasdisowned.”

“Yougotdisowned?”

“She’snotChinese.”

“Justthat,‘causeMa’snotChinese?Ithoughtyouwerenotdisowned.YouandAma areingoodterms.”

“Therearelotsof thingstoo.Iwasalreadyarrangedtomarryanotherwomanbythattime.ThenImarriedyourMomatagetwenty-one.Idroppedoutfromtheprogramthebestlawschoolinthecountryoffered.YourAngkong wasreallymadthattime.YourAma couldn’tdoanythingaboutthat.”

45

“ButyouandAngkong,thetwoof youreconciledright?”

“Wedidn’tgetthechancetodoso.Hediedincaraccidentbeforeyouwereevenborn,”hesaidlookingouttheporch.

Ithoughttheywereingoodterms.PapaalwaystookustoAngkong’sgravetopayourrespect.Thatwasaroutinewedidfourtimesayear—onallsaintsday,onAngkong’sbirthdayanddeathanniversary,andonChristmas.

I stayed quiet, and drank my macchiato empty. I stayed quiet just the way I did on that night—thenightIsawMamasittingattheporch.ThatwasthethirdnightthatPadidn’tcomehome.Iwasabouttogooutof thehouseandpartywithmybarkada whenIsawMama as she stared blankly at space. Her tears were flowing down her cheeks. I couldn’t sharewithherpain,evenforamoment.AllthatIcouldtowasgazeather.

The week after, Pa finally decided to show up and pick me up from campus. On the road he tried to talk to me about the conflict back home and failed because he thought that hiseldestsonwouldactuallygiveadamnaboutthesubject.Ididn’twanttomeddlewiththeir problems. So I just pretended I was asleep as we made our way through the traffic. Playingpretendthat’swhatthefamilywasgoodatanyway.

IlitanothercigaretteasIwatchedPapalookouttheporch.“Pa,doyouloveMama?”Iaskedinasudden.

“IloveyouandMarkif that’swhatyouwanttoknow.YouandMarkarebothimportanttome.Deartome.YouaremykidsforChrist’ssake.”

“That’s not the question Pa. I asked if you love Ma.” Pa didn’t answer back. But I knew anyway.Thelatehourshecamehome.Thenightshewasmissing.Theoutof towntripshehadonweekdays.Everybodyknewit.Itwasanopensecret.

“AntonthereissomethingIwanttoconsultyouabout,”Pasaid.

“What’sthataboutPa?”

“It’sactuallyafamilymatter.IshouldbeannouncingthistoeveryonebutIthoughtImustconsultsomebodybeforeIdoso.”

46

“Andyou’reconsultingme,”Iaskedinwonder.Iwonderedwhyhedidconsultme.Ineverbotheredgettinginvolvedwithfamilymatters.Ididn’tlikethecrushingpoundingsensation at my chest whenever I think about the fights Mama and Papa had. Hearing MamaandPapathrewwordsof profanityateachothermademyarterieswanttoexplodethatIcouldn’tbreathe.Withalltheshouting,cursing,andcryingthathappenedsofast,everythingjustwasn’tworthdramatizing.SoIchosetoneglecteverything,togoonwithmundaneactivitiesasif everythingwasniceandperfect.Ithoughtwhocaresif everyoneinthefamilywouldgoberserk.It’snotasif we’retheonlyfamilyintheworldworthadramasitcom.

“Yes,”Pareplied,“You’regoingtobethenewmanof thefamilyanyway.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“I plan on filing for an annulment Anton.”

“Pa, you’re 45. By the time the marriage is nullified you’ll be what, fifty. What in the worldcouldbeoutthereforyou?”

“Life,lovethat’swhatisoutthereforme.”

“Oh,soshestillhasn’tgivenup.”

Howcouldshe,Ithought.Shehadalreadywaitedforsolong.Icanstillrememberthefirst time I saw her with Papa. It was way back when I was a freshman in college. I was out with my newfound friends when I saw a familiar face hugging a woman at this fine café. That moment all of my suspicions were confirmed. That moment I knew it was over.

“Whoareyoutalkingabout?”Paasked.

“PleasePadon’tpretendlikewedon’tknow.”

“Well….shestillhasn’tlosthopethatI’llleaveyourmom.I’vecontemplatedaboutthisforsometimenow.”

“Thenwhywaitforsolong?Whyjustnow?”

47

“Ihavekids.IhaveyouandMarkinmylife.SoItriedtoforgetabouther.Ichosetostay,” Pa said, “But now the two of you grew up to be quite some men. Now, I’m pretty surethetwoof youwilldowellinlife—bothof youaresmart.Ithinkthismighttherighttime.”

IstaredatPaforawhileasIgatheredmystrengthandsaid,“Doit.”

“Anton?”

“PaIsaiddoit.Doit.”

“But….”

“DoitPa.Filethecase.”

Forawhilewewereembracedbythenoiselessmistof midnightasthetwoof usfellintodeafeningsilenceof theweehours.Inthefractionaldarknessof deadtimePaspokelookingstraightintomyeyes,“Idon’tknowhowyourmomwilltakethis.Takecareof herAnton.Pleasetakecareof herwillyou.”

And as I held the tears about to flow out of my eyes I said, “I will Papa. I will.”

Wespenttherestof themorningtalkingaboutanythingunderthesun.WetalkedaboutGodandreligion,politics,andAcrosstheUniverse.Butwenevertouchedfamilymattersagain.

The two of us puffed our way through dawn. With each white smoke a thought flew with itintotheheavens,witheachbreathanentreatytothegods.

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KissByG

Kiss.It’sjustakiss.Howcanitbesuchabigdeal?Itsjusttwolipsintertwiningwitheachother.Justakiss.Withagirl.Whilehavingaboyfriend.Oops.Asthesonggoes,“IkissedagirlandIlikedit.”What?

Butseriously,IneverthoughtthatIwouldbeoneof thosegirlswhowouldbecheatingontheirboyfriends.TheworsepartisIcheatedonmyboyfriendwithagirl.Damn.MostpeoplethinkthatI’mnotsupposedtobehurtbecauseIwastheonewhocheated.Butthey’rewrong.IalsowashurtbecauseIknewthatIwashurtingsomeoneIcaredabout.Someonewholovesme.SomeoneIthoughtIloved.

Itriedtoendit.ButIdidn’thavethecouragetosayitoutloud.Iwasafraidof hisreaction.It’sironic,Ididn’twanttobreakhisheart–butIalreadydid.

IchosethegirlandIeventuallytoldhimeverything.Hegotmad,of course.Butwhatkillsmethemost,uptonow,ishowheforgavemeandhowwebecamegoodfriendsafter.IgotohimwhenIhaveproblemsandhewouldalwaysbesotrustworthy.He is such a gentleman. And I always pray that he soon finds a girl who could love him. I knowthathealsodeservestobehappy.

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WhenHeFellCocoyVargas

I loved him. I just knew I did. Every day I was reminded constantly why I loved him, why I started to love him, and why I

continue to love him. I woke up to his calls each morning, and my days always started right when I heard his voice. His tone resounded in my head and his words left a mark on me. He walked me home even if it were late. He wrapped me in his arms at the right moments, and his warmth sowed love in my skin. Each passing moment was a constant reminder of my love for him.

I knew I loved him. He knew he loved me. And I knew he loved her, too.

LeaningagainstthewallwhileIsatonmychair,Izonedmyself outfromtherestof theworldwhileIreadmyphysicsbook.Lawof conservationof momentum.Ididn’tunderstandhalf of whatIwasreading;faintmemoriesof velocityandimpulsejustmixedupinsidemyheadwhenItriedtorecallwhateverIhadread.Whilereading,IlookedupfromthepageIwastryingtostudytoseewhatwasgoingonintheclassroom.Therewasagroupthatwastalkingaboutthepartytheywenttolastweekend.Isawsomepeoplewhowerestudyingaswell.Quiteafewenjoyedtheirownsolitudeastheytriedtocatchuponlostslumber.

Infrontof me,InoticedthatMikewasthere.Hewasplayingtheguitarandsingingwithsomeof myotherclassmates.Istaredathimforabittoobservehim,eyesclosed,fingers furiously strumming, and he was lost in the tune of his song. For a moment, he openedhiseyesandIimmediatelyputmyattentionbacktowhatIwasstudying,hopingthathedidn’tcatchmestaring.

Ifoundmyself repeatingthesamestatementinmybookoverandoveragain.Momentum is the quantity of motion. It is the product of velocity and mass. SuddenlyashadowcastoverthepageIwasreading.IlookedupandsawMikesmilingatme.

“Isawyoulastnight,walking.Ithinkyouweregoinghome.”I tried to recall what I did the previous night. “Yeah, I was. I went home quite late

yesterday,”Ireplied.InoticedthatIdidn’tsmilebackathim,soImadeanefforttocurluptheendsof mylips.Mike’sfacebrightenedup.“Youwerestillinschoolduringthattime?” I inquired.

“Yeah,Iwas.Rehearsalskilledmeyesterday.Ialmostcouldn’thitanynoteright.”Igavealightchuckle.“You,nothittinganynoteright?Youhavetobekiddingme.”

AndIwasserious.Mikewasbeyondimpressiveasasinger.Nobodyevergrewtiredof hearinghisvoice.

Mikegaveoutasoftlaugh.Ifeltweirdseeinghissmile.“Well,I’vebeenhavingahardtimesinginglately.Ireallydon’tknowwhy.”

50

“Probablyyoushouldstopsingingwiththoseguys,”Isaid,pointingtoourotherclassmateswhoweresingingwithMikejustmomentsago.Thebellsuddenlyrang,andtheclassstartedtosettlethemselvesintheirownplaces.Mikegavemeawinkbeforehewentbacktohisowndesk.

The two of us didn’t usually talk, so I found it quite weird that he made it a point to approachmeallof asudden.Ifoundmyself earnestlywatchinghimashecontinuedtosing and play his guitar in his seat. It was the first time that I really got to look at him, and his face slowly grew on me. He actually looked quite attractive. I felt the passion that he radiatedwitheverynoteandtunehesang.

Eventually, I was lost with him as he continued his song. It was like our quick chat wasatrapthatIfellin,becauseIcouldnotgetoutof histrance.Iguessthatthatchatwasgoingtobethestartof somethinggreatthatweweregoingtoshare.

***

He was the only person I knew who had the innate quality to be cute. Lots of peoplearecute,butwhentheystarttoactcute,theystarttolosetheircharm.Mikewasoneof thecutestguysinclasstosaytheleast,buthewasn’tliketherestof hiskind.Everythinghedid,everyaction,everymovement,wascute.Whenheactedcute,hebecameevenmorecharming.Thatfeatwaseffortlessforhim,unliketheothersforwhomactingcutewasaforceddeed.ForMike,itwasnatural.Hemadeitwork.

Thetwoof usdidn’treallytalkverymuch.Wewereclassmates,buthewasoneof themwhoseexistencetomedidn’tmatterthatmuch.Hewasjusttheretobemyclassmate.That’sall.Imighthaveworkedwithhimforanactivityorprojectacoupleof times,butourrelationshipwasnothingmorethanthat.Imindedmyownbusinessandhemindedhis.Ourmerecoexistencewasenoughforthetwoof usbecausewedidn’tplay very significant roles in each other’s lives. And that was that.

Thereweretimesthatwegottotalktoeachother.Thesewerethetimeswhenwegottoschoolatthesametimeandwewalkedwitheachothertotheclassroomsinceit’dberudeif wedidn’t.Orthetimeswhenwebothhadtophotocopysomething.Orthetimeswhenwewerebuyinginthesamestallinthecafeteria.Iusuallydidn’tknowwhattosayduringthosetimes,aswithanyothermomentthatinvolvedmebeingwithotherpeoplewhoI’mnotcloseto.Inthosetimesweengageinsomesmalltalkandwejokearound for a bit. But when one of us had our thing finished, we parted ways immediately.

Hewasn’tnecessarilyabigcrushof mine.Ialwaysjusthadmyeyeonhim.Wenevercouldbetogetheranyway,sothere’snousetofret.

***

51

Ididnotknowhowithappened.Time flew by in what seemed like seconds. Day in and day out, we slowly became

inseparable.Wewouldworktogetherforseatworksandprojects,andwegottoknoweachotherthroughourlabor.Wewouldseeeachotheroutsidetheclassroom;we’dgotothecafeteriatogether,gotothewashroomtogether,andaccompanyeachotherindoingerrands.Wewouldgohometogether;I’dwaitforhimwhenhestayedlate,he’dwaitformewhenIstayedlate,andwestayedlatejustbecausewewantedto.

Hewaslikeadiamond.Hewasatreasure.Hewasprecious.Idiscoveredinhimhisvalue,hisworth,whichwasundeniablypure,innocent,andpriceless.Isawthroughhim,andhewasn’tafraidtoshowmewhohereallywas.Therewassomethingabouthimthatalwaysdrewmetohim.Hewasvulnerable,buthealwaysstoodstrong.Hewasloquacious, and at the same time reticent. He was silent, yet his soul screamed with vigor. Hewasunlikeanyother.Hewashisownperson.Hewashim.

Theconnectionwastoostrongtobeignored.Iwasdrawntohim.Hewasdrawntome.

Hecalledmeuponedayandinvitedmetowatchoneof hisperformances.Igladlyacceptedhisinvitation,happythathewaswillingtoletmeenterthatpart

of hislife.I’dalwaysfeelalientohimwheneverhewasdealingwithhiscraft.Hewasinalevelthatwasbeyondanyothers’,andtherewassomethingabouthimwhenhesangthatI just could not get my finger into. I could not reach him. I could not grasp him. This timeIfeltthathewasexposinghimself tomehismostvulnerable,yetmostpreciousself.

IwasridingacabandIwasalreadyrunninglateforhisperformance.Oddlyenough,Mikewasn’ttextingmetonagmeaboutmywhereabouts.ItooktheinitiativetosendhimamessageaboutwhereIwas.Ididn’tknowexactlyhowlongitwouldtakemeto get to the place, since the traffic I was in was terrible. He replied, “It’s okay. Take your time.”Smileyintheend.

Finally, I was able to arrive in the place. It was a small bar with quaint designs, and thetableswerefullof spectators.Afterafewsecondsof scanning,thetwoof ussaweachother.HesignaledthathewantedmetowaitwhereIwas,andtherewasaneagerlookonhisface.Heshowedupagainafewsecondslaterdraggingalongagirlwithhim.

She was quite thin, with the sharp angles on her face accentuated by her deep-set eyes.Shehadhairthatfelltothemiddleof herbackandthatswayedwithhereverymove.Whentheystoppedinfrontof me,Inoticedthatshewasalmostthesameheightashewas.

“Thisismygirlfriend,Regina,”Mikegallantlytoldme.

52

Myeyesinstantlywidened,andatautsmileformedonmylips.Inoddedtohertoacknowledgeher.Ifeltatensiongoingonbetweenthetwoof us.Shesmiledback.Hersmilelookedgenuine.Shereachedoutherarmforahandshake.Reluctantly,Iheldherhand.

TheannouncercalledMike’sname.“Oh,that’smycue!Thetwoof youwatchme,okay?”Hesmiled,gavethetwoof usapatontheshoulder,andranoff tothestage.

Theawkwardnessreekedaswestoodbesideeachother,sidebyside.Ididnothavetheinitiativetostartaconversation,butImanagedtopulloutafewwordsfrommylips.Wehadashortchatof smalltalk,aboutschool,hobbies,andourfavoritetopic,Mike.Finally,IheardMikefromthespeakers.

“Goodevening,ladiesandgentlemen,”hesaidthroughthemicrophonewhilehesatonawoodenstoolandheldhisguitar.“ThisisanewsongthatIwroteforsomeonewho is very special in my life right now.” The music started and the bar became quiet exceptforMike.

Iswearhehadhiseyesonmethroughouthissong.

***

Ilovedhim.IjustknewIdid.EverydayIwasremindedconstantlywhyIlovedhim,whyIstartedtolovehim,

andwhyIcontinuetolovehim.Iwokeuptohiscallseachmorning,andmydaysalwaysstartedrightwhenIheardhisvoice.Histoneresoundedinmyheadandhiswordsleftamarkonme.Hewalkedmehomeevenif itwerelate.Hewrappedmeinhisarmsattherightmoments,andhiswarmthsowedloveinmyskin.Eachpassingmomentwasaconstantreminderof myloveforhim.

IknewIlovedhim.Heknewhelovedme.AndIknewhelovedher,too.ItwasadilemmathatIdidnotreallycareabout,sinceIknewinmyheartthatwhat

hefeltformewasgenuine.Hehadthetwoof us,buthealwaysgavemehisundividedattentionalmosteverytime—andIassumethatwasthecaseforheraswell.Helovedherfirst, and he has loved her for years now, but he found in me a different kind of love, a love that he longed for and did not find in her. He loved the both of us, but he loved us differently.

Iknewabouther,butshedidnotknowaboutme.Inspiteof this,hedidnotmakeanefforttokeepwhatwesharedasecret.Hewasnevershyaboutholdingmeclosetohimwhenwesatbesideeachotherinclass,whenhe’dlockmeinhisarmsforalongtime,whenwe’dwhispertoeachother’searsthatwelovedeachother.Itwasn’tmuchof aproblemforus,anyway,sincehewasnaturallysweettoeveryone,andourclassmateswerereallyusedtoseemeclingingtoattractiveguys.MikeandIwereeventuallyknown

53

tobethebestof friends.

***

Therewasalullthatwentonintheothersideof theline,andthesilencefromthephonepiercedthroughmyeardrumandrattledmybrain.

“Canyousaythatagain?”Ispoke,breakingthesilencethatwenton,almostcatchingmybreath.

Iheardhimheaveaheavysighontheotherline.“Webrokeup.”IdidnotexactlyknowhowIshouldhavefeltduringthosemoments.Partof me

felt bad for him. He and Regina were together for years. They were each other’s first loves.MikewasnothingbututterlysurethatitwasgoingtobeReginawhowasgoingtobehiswifeeventually.Hehaddreamsof raisingchildrenwithher,buildingafamilywithher,anddyingwithher.Iwantedtofeelsympathetic.

Thesilencepersisted.“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Imumbled.Another part of me could not help but feel ecstatic. I can finally have him for

myself andmyself alone.Inolongerhadtosharehimwithanotherpersonwhomheprobably loves more. I did not have to fear that he would finally leave me for her because shecamebeforemeandshewasboundtobeacceptedmorebytheworldthanme.IdidnothavetosulkinjealousywhenIsawnewphotosof themtogether,andwhenIreadtheir messages to each other in their blogs. I can finally have him to myself and myself alone. He can finally be mine.

Therewasgloomthatemanatedthroughthephonelineaseachsecondpassed.Icouldhearhimbreathfromtheotherline,andIwantedtoholdhimatthatverymoment.

Icouldn’tstopthewordsfromgoingoutof mylips.“Wheredoesthatleaveusnow?”

Therewasanotherlullthattookplace,butthistime,thesilencedeafenedme.Ianxiouslywaitedwhathewasgoingtosayinreturn.Isincerelyhopedhewouldsaythatitwasmehereallylovedandwantedtospendhiswholelifewith.YetIstillknewthatitwasn’tgoingtobethateasyforhimtoletgosoeasily.

He finally spoke up. “I love you. And I’m happy the way we are right now.”

***

Mikewasaperformer.Helovedbeinguponstage,sharinghistalentandmakingpeoplehappywithit.Whenhewasonstage,hewouldputonthesmilethatpeopleloved

54

abouthim,andstartgivingthemwhattheywanted.Mikelovedputtingonashow,andhewasalsogoodindoingsoevenoff thestage.

OnethingInoticedabouthimwasthathewasgoodinconcealinghisemotions.Whateverburdenitwasthathehadinsidehim,hekeptitthere,plasteredasmileonhismouth,andfacedtheworldasif nothinghappened.Hedidnotexactlytellmethis,butitwasobvious.Hecouldn’tjusthaveswallowedhisbreak-upwithReginasoeasily.

Maybeit’swhynothingmuchseemedtohavechanged.Westillmeteachothereverydayafterclasses,andspenthourstogetheruntil

weknewourparentswouldbeworriedalready.He’dstillcallmetowakemeupeverymorning,andthenumberof hugshe’dgivemeeverydaydidnotdecrease.We’dstilltalktoeachotheroverthephoneuntiltheweehoursof dawn.Hewasstilltreatingmewiththesamekindof sweetness,butIfeltthatsomethingwasnotthewayitusedtobebefore.

Thetwoof ussatinfrontof eachotheronthebenchoutsideourclassroom.Iwasnotabletokeeptrackof thetime,butitwasstartingtogetdark.Dropletsof sunshineseepedthroughthenightclouds,andthestarswereslowlypoppingout,onebyone.

IlookeduptoseeMike.Hewasindeepthought.TherewasagentleinnocencethatradiatedfromhisfacethatIcouldnothelpbutrevelin.Ascarcelighthighlightedhissoftangles,andhiseyesshoneeveninthedimsurroundings.Hishandsstillclaspedmine,andtherewasasoftgrinthatformedinhislips.

Heclosedhiseyesandstartedtohum.Asweetmelodyresonatedintheemptyhallway,asif bringinglifebackinitsbleakness.Hishandsbroughtwarmthtomine,andshiversstartedgoingthroughmyveins.Heopenedhiseyesandunclaspedhishands.The familiar fingers that I’ve grown accustomed to be touched by started caressing my palm.Hishummingcontinuedashehadhiseyesonwhathedid.Thenhelookeduptomeandsmiled.Heletgoof myhandandmovedclosertome.Hishandsmadetheirwaytomybackastheyslidthroughmysides,andhisarmwrappedmeinawarmandtightembrace.

ItwasafeelingthatInevergrewtiredof.Nomatterhowmanytimeswedidit,Istillfoundmyself wantingmore.Mike’sembracemademefeelguardedandprotected.It was an affirmation that whatever problem I had was going to dissipate. It was an assertionthatnoharmwasgoingmyway.Itwasanassurancethathewasalwaystheretoprotectmefromanything,andthathewasnevergoingtoleaveme.

“Ijustwanttostaylikethis,”hewhispered.Hisbreathtickledmyear.Mylipsturnedtoasmile.Icouldfeelhiscomfort,sweetlysurrenderingtomytouch.

Andwestayedthatway.Hisfacewasburiedonmyshoulder,andmychinrestedonhis.Itwasonlyusthere,anditdidn’tmatterif therehadbeenotherpeople.Themomentwasours,andnothingcouldhavetakenthatawayfromus.Therewassomethingabout

55

thatmomentthatwassostrong,sopure,sopassionate,thatitfeltlikeitwastheclosestwehadeverbeen.

“Idon’treallyknowwherewe’reheaded,”hesuddenlysaid.Ifeltmyheartstopbeatingforasecond.

NervouslyIthoughtof whatIwasgoingtosay.“Wedon’thavetogoanywhere.”“Wedo,”heinstantlyreplied.Ourbodieswerestilltangledwitheachother.Slowly,heletgoof hisholdonme.Hishandsclaspedmine,andhisthumbs

caressedthebackof myhand.“IneedtosortthingsoutafterwhathappenedtomeandRegina.AndIhavetodo

itonmyown.”Inailedmystareintohim.“RealizinghowmuchIloveyou…mademerealizehowmuchIreallyloveher.”

Itwasasif myheartwasbeingwrenched.“I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutus.Iloveyou.Iknowthat.Andyouknowthattoo.

ButIdon’tthinkI’mbeingfairtoyou.Idon’twantyoutobewaitingaroundonmewhileI’mwithRegina.”

Andatthatmoment,mymindstartedtospaceout.Fragmentsof hisspeechrandomlyaccessedmyconsciousness.“Youdeservebetterthanme...”Iheardhimsay.“…Someonewhowillloveyouwholly…”Iheardhimagain.“…Withouthavingtoshare with another….” For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to hear him. “I can love youbetterthisway.”

Istaredathimstunned,andmygazegrewsodeepintohim.Iwasthinkingof somanythingsatthesametime.Ilovedhimaswell.Iknowthat.I’mpatient.Icanstillwaitforhim.Idon’tcareif Ihadtosharehim.Ilovedhim.Andthat’swhatmatteredthemost.

Withoutaword,Ipulledmyhandsfromhis,stoodup,andwalkedaway.

Silently,Iwalkeddowntheemptydriveway.Justhoursago,itwasbrightandnoisywith students flocking to their respective rides or hanging out with their friends. Cars filled up the vast space, unhealthy stenches defiling the air that the surrounding people breathedin.Eachnewdaymeantchaosforthatdriveway,butIdidn’tusuallyhavetogothroughitallthetime.Ihadaknackforgoinghomelaterthanusual,andtodaywasnoexception.

Therubbersolesof myshoesscrapedagainsttheconcreteslowerandslower.Thesilenceof thenightdeafenedmyearsandthedimlightfromthestreetlampblindedmyeyes.Ifelttearsthatwereeagertofallfromthesidesof myeyes,withnoneof themsucceeding.Softlythebreezeblew;thenightenvelopedmeinitscold.Slowly,theawfultruththatIcouldn’tbeartobelievesankinmeandmademesickinthegut.

Iwasalone.

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It’s Complicatedistheliteraryfoliopublishedbythemembers,applicants,andalumniof theU.P.EconomicsSociety.

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