Commando Diplomacy

Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress 

By Meg Delaney and Amy HartmanToledo-Lucas County Public Library

Says WHO?Meg: Main Library Manager

◦Covering things we can do as individuals

Amy: Collection Development Librarian, Union Negotiator, Facilitator◦Covering things we can do as part of a

group

What can we do?Fixing other people?Understanding our own issuesKeeping expectations realisticConfronting (productively!) rather

than avoiding

Never Forget: QTIPQuit Taking It Personally

Refocus Conversation Forward Move toward resultsTry not to move backward toward

◦Real slights◦Perceived slights

Taking the Long ViewThe secret of a drama-free work

lifeTreat others as you’d like to be

treatedFace-saving techniquesRemember: We are each other’s

patrons

Success Lives WithinBeing fully presentAchieving honest dialog,

preserving relationship going forward

Choosing your responseVisualize success

Have a Mentor/VentorJoys of working with passionate

people…Filter/siphon off unproductive

feelings◦Personally and Professionally

Keep focused on the real issues

Mapping conversation for successPreparation for calming a tense

situation◦Stay calm; avoid anger in your

actions or words◦Stick to the facts◦Ask for the other person’s

perspective or opinion◦Propose your solution◦Ask for the other person’s buy-in

Prep for a One-on-One MeetingNotes for a meeting : • My critical needs in this meeting

period: • What’s new: • Status on continuing projects:• How can I help you?• My own professional

development:

Expanding sphere of influenceMaintain common sense

etiquetteStay w/in bounds of professional

ethicsRely on facilitation skillsStay above the fray/Objectivity

◦5,000 feet◦Congruence with values/beliefs◦Avoiding the “gotcha”s

Putting it together : PreparationThe Clerk/Shelver

◦Before conversation Map facts Get Supervisor on Board Anticipate and prepare for negativity Have the conversation Share proposed solution w/ other

appropriate staff for buy-in

Putting it Together: the EventClerk/Shelver

◦Actual Conversation Who should be there? Where should it happen? Follow “Script”

Putting it Together: Follow-upClerk/Shelver

◦Post-conversation Give and get feedback “Test case” – what can be tweaked? Catch good habits, praise and

encouragement for job well done

Dealing with Drama Bible

Drama RolesComplainer - whining, waffling,

resignationCynic – Discounting, sniping,

withdrawingController – Steamrolling,

micromanaging, impatienceCaretaker – Overcommitment,

conflict avoidance, rescuing

ComplainerAcknowledge w/o agreement

◦“I hear what you’re saying”Appreciation

◦Value in their contribution◦Reassure them of your confidence in

them and their capacity to develop

CynicShow interest in their area of

expertise◦Praise novel thinking

Express confidence in their abilities◦Invite them to share wisdom and

experience◦Honor them for welcoming the ideas

of others

ControllerHonor their initiative and

their desire to do the right thing

Demonstrate delegation and share benefits of empowering others

Make boundaries clear

CaretakerCommend projects completed in

a timely manner, tough decisions made, or specific boundaries they’ve observed

Let them feel connected, graciously receive their praise

State how much you appreciate when they set boundaries and make tough decisions.

Handling EmotionAcknowledge & avoid

ridicule/judgmentTake a breakSometimes, venting can be

useful◦System-wide forums for Big Issues

Magic Formula2 + 1 + 1

◦Two positive commentsPlus

◦One “difficult” issuePlus

◦One positive follow-up

Dealing with Larger GroupsThe uses and abuses of

committeesRole of group leaders

◦Focus on task◦Encourage participation◦Keep track of duties/results

Preparing for Difficult MeetingsClear AgendaTimeframes?Agree to Norms and Guidelines:

One meeting – keep on track Agree to Disagree – beware of

interpretation/attack Participate openly and honestly Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality Hanging issues/Parking lot

Ideal Behaviors to Agree UponTalk Straight/Create TransparencyDemonstrate Respect and LoyaltyConfront RealityPractice Accountability and keep

commitments

How to Map a Meeting for SuccessGive a face-saving out

◦Avoid righteous indignation, no matter how smugly satisfying

Balance a difficult request with a “gift” – support you can offer to get the outcome you want

Anticipate negativity or contrary points of view

ChartWhole group can see ideasRemoves personal “ownership”Seeing angry words can help

diffuseFocuses attentionAction items & responsibilities

clear for all to see.

ConsensusPoint of maximum agreement so

that action can follow.Buy-in and support are essential

for successful implementation of any plan

Consensus is best when:The solution is not obviousThe solution impacts more than

one personTime is available for thoughtful

discussionCommitment to the

solution is important

The Numbers Behind Consensus70% Comfort Level

◦Level at which all members “comfortable” Can agree for the most part w/ decision no serious disagreement

◦70% agreeable,100% committed Even if the decision isn’t exactly what

one would choose, all will support it with positive communications/actions

Benefits of Achieving ConsensusProcess was fairUnderstand decision criteriaOpportunity to be heard“No” is okay, but alternatives

must be identified/exploredConflict can be healthy, Q-TIP

Before leaving a meetingRecap, noting what was covered,

action items, assigned responsibility, time frames/deadlines posted where all can see and agree on.

Celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small (beware irony/cynicism)

The End?Success stories?Troubleshooting? Bibliography handout online

meg.delaney@toledolibrary.org

amy.hartman@toledolibrary.org