EFFECTIVE PARENTING SKILLS

Chapter 3

Journal 1 Parenting is a lifelong process because… What is difference between parenting

and parenthood? Does parenting come naturally?

I.Parenting – A Learning ProcessA. Parenting

Def: A process of caring for children & helping them grow & develop

1. Requires understanding child’s needs in all areas – at different ages No two children are the same Childrens’ needs are different as they grow

up

2. Involves physical care, encouragement, love, support, guidance, and much prayer “nurture”

Love, support, concern, understanding, planting seeds for positive Christian development

3. Takes time, practice, & prayer You can’t do it all by yourself on your

own strength, abilities, and wisdom

LET GO & LET GOD!

4. There is NO one method Each child/family is different Each have different needs

5. Can improve parenting skills by: Seeking advice from friends & family Read books & magazines Observe other parents and children Attend parenting classes – support group Gain experience with children MOPS

B. Understanding Children

Learn about children’s capabilities, interests, & needs at various ages so there will be realistic expectations Needs change as grow and change “act your age” – they naturally do

1. Recognize normal patterns of development yet respect differences between children Puzzles, stranger anxiety, walking

C. Providing Enrichment - Encouragement

1. Teach children Parents are children’s first teachers

2. Children learn by exploring their world, trying new things, & imitating others – must be given “freedom” to learn – eliminate barriers

3. Learning takes place through everyday experiences – shopping etc

4.Stimulate, hold, talk, play5. Allow them to try and fail with understanding

and patience6. Praise7. Unfortunately…deprivation is in many homes

Lack of healthy nurturing environment Unwillingness to take the time to teach & love Both wealthy and poor

D. Providing Love & Support1.“nurturing”2. Showing affection – hugs, kisses,

smiles3. Listening patiently, attentively4. Respecting their feelings, concerns5. Giving time & attention6. Giving affirmation & praise7. Planting seeds for Christian growth

E. Overparenting

1. Overprotective & over attentive2. Too much attention3. too many toys4. too many treats5. not allowing children to make any

choices

F. Communicating Positively1. Be a good listener2. Use kind, respectful tones

Difference b/w yelling & screaming and using firm voice

3. Get on child’s level – sit, kneel, eye to eye or else they feel intimidated

4. Be simple – words they understand

5. Don’t major on minors6. Pick your battles7. Be clear

-remember child’s point of view8. Be positive and polite – instead of so

many “don’ts”9. Give praise & love – often “actions

speak louder than words”10. MODELING11. Open, trusting communication is

foundation of a lifelong relationship…

G. Christian parenting1. Molding & making them in God’s ways, to be

Christ-like, planting seeds of Christ’s love in their hearts so they’ll be equipped to serve

2. God consciousness Do this in whatever area you’re talking about – play,

talking, disciplining, etc. PRAYER is key! We’re not alone in parenting – supported through

family members, Christian community, school, church

3. “Do you promise to receive these children in love, pray for them, help instruct them in the faith, and encourage and sustain them in the fellowship of believers?”

H. Positive Parenting Techniques1. State the rules clearly2. Offer alternatives3. Give praise4. Give unconditional love5. Be a role model6. Give positive messages7. Be consistent8. Allow the child to try

Journal 2

You are the parent of a 3 year old. Your child is joining you to shop at Target. Following Target, you’ll be going to grandma’s house. While shopping, your child is having his fruit snacks and was told that there will be no more snacks. You’re at the check-out counter. Your child wants a snack and when you say “no”, he proceeds to throw a temper tantrum. What would you do?

Define discipline.

Chapter 3 Section 2Guiding Children’s Behavior “One of the most challenging

aspects of parenting is discipline…” Journal 3 – how did you define discipline?

A. Understanding Discipline

1. Discipline = guidance a. Disciplining –

i) directing children toward acceptable forms of behavior – nurturing

2. Some equate discipline with punishment however, punishment is just a small part of guidance

3. Effective guidance helps children learn to get along with others & deal with their feelings in proper ways – emotional/social support and development

4. Guidance also includes moral development a. learn right from wrong & WHY – develop conscience – inner sense of what’s right

5. Ultimate goal – self-discipline – ability to control your own behavior

6. 3 Keys to effective Discipline 1. encouraging appropriate behavior 2. setting & enforcing limits 3. dealing with inappropriate behavior in

effective ways

B. Encouraging Appropriate Behavior

1. Put yourself in child’s shoes –a. must explain what kind of

behavior is expected – need to know expectation or else get frustrated/confused – You want to know what’s expected of you…test etc.

2. Setting a good example – kids are imitators

3. Telling what is expected – depending on age

4. Praising appropriate behaviora. Positive reinforcement

i) response encouraging a particular behavior

b. Catch your child being good – praise 1. Be specific 2. Be sincere and positive 3. Give praise as soon as possible 4. Tailor praise to needs of children 5. Takes 4 positive responses to 1 negative

C. Setting Limits

1. Can refer to physical restrictions or others like, “we don’t hit other people” – should keep them from hurting themselves, others, & property

2. Does the limit allow the child to learn & explore? Watch out for too much restriction

3. Is the limit fair appropriate for age level?

4. Does the limit benefit the child or is it simply for parents’ convenience?

5. Make limits clear and firmly & consistently forced

D. Dealing with inappropriate behavior1. Re-directing2. unintentional misbehavior – dropping a

glass of milk, waiting for food at restaurant

3. Using punishment effectively – consequences, negative reinforcement – discouraging behavior form being repeated

4. 1st offense – possible warning?5. Punishment proportional to

seriousness of behavior6. Punishment that fits the crime7. natural consequences8. Loss of privileges9. Ignoring – if not harmful

Sometime misbehave for attention

10. Time-out Take away from others and activity

11. Issues concerning disciplineSpanking – Yes or No?

a. Should never be out of anger or frustration

b. In many cases, other alternatives could be more effective

c. not 1st plan of action

12. Poor disciplinary measuresa. Bribing – learn to expect external rewards

for good behavior- should come from within, the desire to do good

b. Making children promise to behave – mistakes will be made – don’t force them to lie about misbehavior

c. Shouting or yelling – use calm, reasonable voice; otherwise children will learn to “tune out”

d.Shaming or belittling – “you’ll never amount to anything”

e. Threatening to withhold love

E. Handling Conflict

1. Allow child to discuss & express feelings

2. Why did you act the way you did, maybe they have a valid reason

3. Let them help decide the punishment, gives them some feelings of responsibility

4. Why do you feel this way?5. How could you act differently next

time?

F. Consistency

1. The key to avoid mixed signals2. Need to be consistent for the child

to feel she is in a safe environment, need consistent expectations

Chapter 3 Section 3Providing Substitute Care Journal 4 What would be your 1st choice

someday concerning child care? Why?

Parents are the best source for love & learning

A. Need for substitute care1. One parent homes2. Two parent home – both working

outside of the home3. Although one of the parents provide

full-time care for child, parents still desire child to be involved in pre-school for social aspects

B. Types of Substitute Care 1. Home-based care

a. Care in child’s own home – someone comes in to care for child Babysitter, family member, nanny

b. Family child care – small # of children cared for in caregiver’s home

c. Play groups – group of parents take turns caring for each other’s children

2. Center-based carea. Child care centers – provide care for

children of working parents Mostly ages 2 and up, some infants

b. Preschools – provides education program Ages 3-5

c. Parent cooperatives – facility with parents taking turns donating their services

d. Head start centers – helps lower income & disadvantaged children Age 3-5 Meals, health care, and social services

e. Montessori preschools – special learning materials in which children are free to explore on their own Not much structure

3. Care for older childrena.U.S. at least 2 million “latch key kids”

i) Unsupervised from time they get home to time parents get home, or before school

b. Many communities providing care for these older children – supervised recreation, homework help, etc.

c. How would you evaluate quality care? Pg.87

How To Be A Hero To Your Kids – by Josh McDowell The 6 A’s of Positive Parenting

1. Acceptance Unconditional, no strings attached love “Do you love your child for what he does or b/c of

who he is?” A human being made in God’s image with BUILT-IN

value by his Creator “Your lovable, capable, part of God’s creation; a

sinner, yes, but redeemed & forgiven & now you can become all that He wants you to be”

Recognize each child’s unique-ness…celebrate it!!

Unconditional love/acceptance develops security; if we accept them, they’ll accept themselves building self-worth, self-esteem

Accept the child’s “being”

2. Appreciation For their words and actions – their

effort/accomplishments make a difference to someone

“try to catch your child doing right” – honest encouragement & praise

If we base our acceptance on performance, then they don’t ever have the freedom to make mistakes, allowing them to experience consequences & learn from them

Parents like to be rescuers – talk for them; do for them

“I appreciate my child’s effort more than my child’s accomplishments & I appreciate my child’s worth as a human being even more than my child’s effort.”

Acceptance of child’s being gives security & self-worth

Appreciation of child’s doing makes him feel significant

3. Affection – give your child huge doses of affection “Speak love in your home- hug a lot” Often as our children grow older, we give

less & less affection “almost every single one of you has 2 fears.

One is the fear that you’ll never be loved, & the other is the fear you will never be able to love”

SHOW YOUR LOVE TO YOUR SPOUSE – one of the best gifts to give your children

4. Availability Love is spelled T-I-M-E There has to be quantity to get quality Consistent small amounts Make commitment to do things with kids

and don’t break it Go to their activities Do crazy things, ask questions!!

5. Accountability Willing to be called to accountability to

explain or answer for your actions in a responsible way

The children are responsible for their actions; parents certainly are too

Older you are – more choices & responsibility

6. Authority You must discipline your children and have authority

over them PARENTING STRATEGIES

Autocratic/authoritative –big on rules, low on relationship “You’ll do it my way or else”

Permissive “you can do anything you want”

Neglectful “I really don’t care what you do”

Relational/Democratic “I’m listening…I care about you…I want to understand you…this time

we’ll do it this way b/c…”

DO PARENTING STYLES ASSIGNMENT ONLINE Watch “Cheaper By the Dozen”

Boundaries, limitations are necessary – spell them out

Natural consequences – touch a burner, get burned

Logical consequences – if you don’t eat meal, no snack

Consistency is CRUCIAL Forgive & ask for forgiveness “will you forgive me?” Is relational; “I’m

sorry” is not Overall more concerned about relationships

than rules “Heroes are made, not born”