Wills at War

What is the Secret to Defusing Conflict?

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.”

- Robert Frost

Conflict’s Hidden Values

• Inoculated by conflict

• The “One Free Murder” Law

• Conflict as a “Guardrail”

“If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, ‘You are wrong.’ This method works every time.”

- Henry C. Link

Conflict, Plain & Simple

Psychologists tell us our psyche looks something like this...

Conflict, Plain & Simple

Attitudes:

“Our predisposition to respond to people, ideas and objects in evaluative ways.”

Conflict, Plain & Simple

Beliefs:

“The way people perceive reality.”

Conflict, Plain & Simple

Values:

“People’s most enduring judgments about what’s good and bad in life.”

Conflict, Plain & Simple

• Financial security• Respect• Privacy• Fairness• Self-determination• Being left alone

The Insureds’ Values:

“Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.”

- John Wayne

The Physiology of Conflict

Human Defense Responses

Fight

Or… Flight

The Effects of Adrenaline

• Increased heart rate• Rapid breathing• Heightened sense of vision and hearing• Pupil dilation• Dry mouth• Profuse sweating• Nausea• Extraordinary strength

“The basic building block of good communication is the feeling that every human being is unique and of value.

- Unknown

Verbal Communication

Languages fall into several categories:

Tonal

Stress

Examples of a Stress Language at Work

• You are not going to the party tonight.

• You are not going to the party tonight.

• You are not going to the party tonight.

• You are not going to the party tonight.

Keys to Effective Communication

• Listen twice as much as you speak• Ask every question you can think of• Convey respect - If someone respects

me, I don’t want to let them down• Even when your emotions

are raging…SMILE!• Remember the “Magic” Words

Non-Verbal Communication

Body Language:

“The gestures, movements and mannerisms by which a person or animal communicates with others.”

Body Language “Factoids”

• A human can produce over 700,000 unique movements

• These can combine to form 60 discrete signals and about 60 gestures

• 55% of what you say is through body language

• 93% of your emotions are communicated non-verbally

Body Language “Factoids”

“You have a ‘vocabulary’ of about 138,000 non-verbal and visual cues, but you can only control about 150-200 of them - and you can only do that for about 15-20% of the time.”

- Corporate Psychologist Ben Johnson (“What Body Language Says”, Hilary Freeman)

The “ROLE” Principal

• Relax - Take a few deep breaths

• Open - Assume an open posture

• Leaning - Leaning in communicates interest and acceptance

• Eye Contact - “Windows to the soul”

Mirroring

• Also called “tracking”• This is a natural part of

the non-verbal process• When we are “in sync”

with another person, we do this naturally

• Mirror the other person’s actions

Non-Verbal Miscellany

• Handshakes• Dark Glasses• Hands in Pockets• Unbuttoned Jacket or coat• Touching• Gestures

Privacy

• Privacy is one of our inalienable rights– 1st, 4th & 5th Amendments - U.S. Constitution (1791)

• Sneaking to the mailbox under cover of darkness

• Policyholders have a limited right to the privacy of their affairs

• This right to privacy is likely also a “value” held by the insured

Conflict, Plain & Simple

Suggestions re: Privacy

1. Be discrete in discussing names/salaries

2. Protect payroll records with your life

3. Return records to the person who gave them to you

4. Avoid taking copies of financial records

5. Never, NEVER discuss what you see on an audit outside your auditor’s duties

Proxemics

• “Proxemics” is the study of human spatial issues

• The term “Proxemics” was coined by social- scientist Edward Hall in 1963

Proxemics in Real Life

• The “phone call”

• The convention

• The cubicle debacle

• The elevator incident

“In real life, the most practical advice…is not to treat pawns like pawns, nor princes like princes, but all persons like persons.”

- James MacGregor Burns

The “5-90-5” Principal

• 5% of the working public are Wonderful people (with warm cookies!)

• 90% are agreeable but not very memorable

• 5% are horribly bitter pills who were obviously abused as puppies

Tips for Handling the “Pills”

• Remember, with this group - the conflict is not likely your fault!

• Bear in mind that these people exist in every walk of life

• Don’t take them too seriously

• Remain calm

• Practice the ROLE principal

• If threatened, Walk Away

Keep Your Eye on the Ball

• Roger Dawson: on John McEnroe

• Taking you out of your game

• Remember what your goal is!

Dealing with Conflict

• Your Options:– Give up…– Blame the conflict on someone else– Rely on your instincts to get you through– Take an “inside” look

An Analogy from Marriage

First of all, you must:• Understand that

conflict is a natural part of life

• Bear in mind that some conflict is unavoidable

• Learn to “fight fairly”

“Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.”

- Ezra Taft Benson

The “So What?” Factor

• Apologize, when appropriate• Avoid personal attacks• Remember that the insured may feel their

values are under attack• Apply the ROLE principal• Convey respect, no matter what

– “If you don’t get your way, you’ll still get your say.”

The “So What?” Factor

• Above all…

BE REAL!

The Secret Within

The Secret Within

For a free .pdf copy of my booklet

“Wills at War”

you can e-mail a me atmbancroft@legacypcpartners.com

Wills at War