Defusing Volatile Conflict
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Transcript of Defusing Volatile Conflict
DEFUSING VOLATILE CONFLICT
Three Words to Change the World
Jim Donnellan
Creating Dialogue In Dire Circumstances
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 3
Three questions:
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 4
• Have you ever been involved in a volatile encounter – either at home or at work – that you lived to regret?
• Take a moment to reflect upon the impact of that encounter
Question # 1:
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 5
Question # 2:• Would it be worth your while …
• to have a way to address problems like this
• which has the potential for producing a much different outcome?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 6
#3: The core issueWhen two or more people are about to explode ...
What is the last thing that any of them will ever do?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 7
THE LAST THING THAT THEY/WE WILL EVER DO ...
is pause the action and …
inquire non-judgmentally
into the other person's reasoning
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 8
WHY DON'T WE DO THIS?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 10
The human predicamentThree factors
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FACTOR #1: OUR AUTOMATIC RESPONSE
• To threatening situations• The reptilian side of our brain
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 12
Dictates
Fight
Or
Flight
Factor #2
Silos of Certainty …
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 15
A SILO OF CERTAINTY
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 16
PERFECTION
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WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 20
THE HUMAN EGO
• Our silo of certainty tends to stimulate the human egos need to be right
• That need is, in our minds, inextricably linked to our need to survive
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 22
We ignore
Our focus is here
Cocoons of Ignorance
From Silos of Certainty to …
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 25
TO ILLUSTRATE THE POINT
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 26
FACTOR #3: OUR PERCEPTION IS LIMITED
• It cannot take in all that we need to know in order to understand critical issues
• The Invisible Gorilla
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Therefore, …we can safely say:
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We think we know,
But we never do
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 30
There is a solution
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• Prematurely judge
• And focus only on observable behavior
• Or deepen our understanding
• of what is happening here and why
WE HAVE A CHOICE
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 34
THIS APPROACH IS ROOTED IN …
TWO ASPECTS OF HUMAN NATURE…
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THIS APPROACH IS ROOTED IN 2 REALITIES…
1. EVERYONE WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING
2. FEAR OF THE
UNKNOWN OFTEN DERAILS THE BEST OF INTENTIONS
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 37
The challenge is to remove the fear
• We can do this
• by entering into the mindset of the other and
• by becoming a proponent of their well-being.
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BUT IF WE REMOVE THE FEAR …
– and nonjudgmental inquiry might just do that –
then it just might be possible to reach a COMPASSIONATE UNDERSTANDING of the other person.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 39
QUAKER FRIENDS SERVICE COMMITTEE
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 41
Prove it
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WE DON’T DO THIS VERY OFTEN,
• but when we have done it,
• the results have been remarkable.
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• Creates cocoons of ignorance
• When silos of certainty collide
• Two major disasters in less than 60 years
THE REALITY, ALL TOO OFTEN
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 44
TWO MAJOR DISASTERS IN LESS THAN 60 YEARS
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 45
THE VIETNAM WAR
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THE ECONOMIC COLLAPSE OF 2007-8
Commodity Futures Trading Commission
From the Asian meltdown 1998
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 47
IF THIS CAN HAPPEN TO VERY GIFTED LEADERS,
• It can happen to anyone
• The problem is a universal one
• All of our truths are incomplete
04/15/2023 48
Muhammad Yunus
THE POWER OF INQUIRY
Uri Avnery & Yasser Arafat
THE STOOL MAKERS OF JOBRA VILLAGE• He began visiting
villages so as to better understand the life of the poor.
• This led to a revealing interview with Sufiya, a stool maker in Jobra village
04/15/2023 51
SUFIYA’S LIFE
2 centsfor a day’s work
04/15/2023 52
SUFIYA’S LIFE: WHERE DID THAT 2 CENTS GO?• “it was barely
enough to feed her, let alone shelter her family and clothe them properly”
• “It seemed hopeless to imagine that her babies would one day escape this misery.”
04/15/2023 53
YUNUS’S REACTION
• “…this knowledge … shocked me.
• In my university courses, I theorized about sums in the millions of dollars,
• but here before my eyes the problems of life and death were posed in terms of pennies.
04/15/2023 54
SOMETHING WAS WRONG …
• Why did my university courses not reflect the reality of Sufiya’s life?
04/15/2023 55
I WAS ANGRY, …
• angry at myself, • angry at my economics
department &• the thousands of
intelligent professors • who had not tried to
address this problem and solve it.”
04/15/2023 56
THE STRATEGY
• Make loans to small groups
• Hold weekly meetings
• Payments are made at these meetings
04/15/2023 59
RESULTS• The poverty rate (as measured by international aid
organizations such as the World Bank) has fallen from an estimated 74% in 1973-74 to 57% in 1991-92, to 49% in 2000 — and then to 40% in 2005.
Poverty Rate
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40%200549%200057%1991-9274%1973-74
61
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 63
The Way out
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• Avoid a first order or gut response• From the human ego
• I am right and you are wrong.
• From the reptilian part of our brain
• An automatic reaction to either perceived threat: flight or fight
THE WAY OUT
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 65
THE WAY OUT (CONTD)
• Create an other focused strategy
• One that scrutinizes the thinking, fears, and needs of one's adversary
• It's purpose is not refutation
• Its intent is to gain clarity of understanding • So that dialogue on the issues that separate can be achieved
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 66
DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT:
• Test it for yourself• Use Three Words to Change Your World for
background information
04/15/2023 67
Uri AvneriThe importance of:
Help Me Understand ...
HELP ME UNDERSTAND ...
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• These words require us to • move outside of the limits
• of our own psychological boundaries• Into the reality of another during
moments of high tension
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 69
• Take your best shot
• Share with a neighbor
GREATEST CONTRIBUTION OF MODERN SCIENCE
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 70
CHET RAYMO: "I DON'T KNOW"
• From the dawn of time, people have resisted saying "I don't know."
• They looked instead for explanations in tribal tradition, sacred books, or the supposed wisdom of shamans, priests and prophets.
• The most common cover up for ignorance is to invoke divinity.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 73
IF SCIENCE HAS GIVEN ONE GREAT GIFT TO THE WORLD
• greater than the wonders of technology,
• greater than modern medicine,
• greater than flights to the moon and planets
• it has given us permission to say "I don't know."
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 74
HERE'S WHAT I WOULD SUGGEST
• The next time, do the following
• Don't respond immediately• Wait till you have gathered your
wits about you and subdued your anger
• This can take anywhere from a minute or two, an hour, a week, or longer
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 75
WHEN YOU HAVE CALMED DOWN SIMPLY ASK ...
•Help me understand why you said or did X?
• Then simply listen.
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WHAT YOU WILL HEAR AND WHY IT IS IMPORTANT
• Assuming that you have in fact calmed down, and …
• If your inquiry is authentic and non-judgmental,
• You will probably get an answer that you did not expect.
• We always think we know what is on the mind of another
• But, especially in those moments of high tension,
we never do.
‘71
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THE END
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The Benefit
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 92
… OF THIS KIND OF APPROACH:
• It will produce a journey of
lifelong learning
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 93
• … will reinforce a strategy rooted in reality
• And not in a
myth of our own making
THIS JOURNEY
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A SOBERING REALITY …
• is that
• during a moment of intense crisis or volatile conflict
• the people we most need to talk to
• and fully understand
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• are the very people that we will be least likely to talk to,
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• which inevitably creates one disaster after another.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 98
PROGRAM SPECIFICS
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 99
THIS PROGRAM: WHAT IT IS
• A set of tools for handling interpersonal conflict
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 100
A GUIDELINE:
• Your Rights End at My Doorstop
My rights, correspondingly, end at yours.
The Doorstep Rule
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 101
WHAT IS MEANT BY THIS?
Good fences make good neighbors
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THE FIRST RULE OF DIALOGUE:
-Such an effort requires a genuine, not self-serving, desire to understand.
1.Inquire into another point of view.
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The challenge:
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 105
Einstein on the ego
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ADAPTTM
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04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 109
Attitude change
Giving up the need to be right.
Suspending judgment
Change your perception
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 110
Data
Describe
exactly what happened
I.E. What was said, what the person actually did.
Pick one critical interaction or event.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 111
Ask
Why
Now that the critical incident is in focus,
we need to take the
next step.
We need to inquire into the other
person’s point of
view.
Therefore, start with an initial question:
Help me understand why you said or did …?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 112
Now that you’ve
identified the key incident
and defined
your first question …
PresentIt’s time to go face to
face.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 113
TestHow did
it go?
Were your goals
achieved?
• Did the encounter produce greater clarity?
• Have you established the basis for on-going dialogue?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 114
ADAPTTM Explained
Attitude readjustment
Data collection: what do I know?
Ask: Questions to promote dialogue
Present
Test the waters
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 115
Questions?
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 116
THE END
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 118
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 119
ADAPTtm Workshop
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 120
Task• Think of your most
problematic situation – a boss, a peer, a customer, a subordinate.
• That individual will become the primary focus of this section.
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 121
Background
• Current situation• What led up to it
• Primary precipitating factors
• What has the person done that is a source of concern for you
• What attempts have you made to address the situation
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Current attitude
• What is your gut reaction to this person
• What about the situation do you find irritating?
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
• Goals:
Clarity, dialogue
Synergy
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REQUEST:
SUSPEND JUDGMENT!
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 126
SUSPENDING JUDGMENT
• Step back and observe what is actually happening
• Separate interpretation from event or behavior
• Recognize that there are multiple ways to interpret what is going on
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 127
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - BARRIERS
HUMAN TENDENCIES, I• Divine Right: Our need to be right, to feel superior
• Proselytizing: it is the other person that must change!
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - BARRIERS
HUMAN TENDENCIES, II• Fault Intolerance: default to the negative
• Ego lock: The impulse to attack or counterattack
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 134
GAINING DISTANCE
• The invisible shield:
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 135
A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - BARRIERS
Breaking the causal link• Avoid the automatic response
• Stimulus can precipitate multiple responses
• Usually we respond predictably
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 136
A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
• At the beginning of a relationship, how clear is the glass?
The Spectacles of life
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The Spectacles of life
A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
• What happens to the glass as the relationship develops?
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• What’s happening to the view?
The Spectacles of life
A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
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• And finally…
Total FIXATION on the person’s negative qualities.The Spectacles of life
A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
So, you say, what’s the point?
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A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
• Our task:
• Separate out judgement from what we’ve seen
• Why?
• To free ourselves from fixating on only one aspect of the person.
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D = DATA COLLECTION
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D = DATA COLLECTION
• List the observed events that have led up to your current level of frustration. Where possible, also include direct quotes.
• The trick, however, is to list them without your interpretations, without your associated meanings.
• List as many as you can recall.
• BE OBJECTIVE!!!!
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D = DATA COLLECTION
• Share these events with your developmental partner.
• Then, ask for their interpretation of their meaning.
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D = DATA COLLECTION
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D = DATA COLLECTION
• What are others saying?• How are they interpreting
this behavior?
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AND NOW …
• Observe this person doing something right
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A = ASK
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A = ASK
Putting observable behavior
on the table
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A = ASK
• Your initial purpose: put observable behavior on the table, then ask:
Help me understand.
What is going on here?
Or, what is your thinking?
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A = ASK
• Why are these questions so crucial?
It is almost universally true that
what we typically don’t know is the other person’s reasoning.
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A = ASK
• We are setting the stage for the MEETING STRUCTURE
• Purpose• Description of events
•QUESTION(S)
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P = PRESENT
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P = PRESENT
1. Data – Behavior Observed
2. Ask Question(s)
3. Present additional Data: • Other Points of view• Your point of view
04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 169
1. DATA
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2. ASK
• Possible questions: • Help me understand.
What’s going on here.
• Please explain. What’s your thinking?
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
If apprpropriate, share interpretations
• Others• Yours
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
• Why present other points of view first?
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
• Sharing a variety of interpretations, yours as well as others.
• Their perceptions are part of the DATA that is relevant to this discussion
• Remember: this step is a judgment call. It may not be appropriate (especially if this is a meeting with your boss and you just want a better understanding of where s/he is coming from).
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
• Transition Paraphrase: • What you have said is…
• Now, ask:• Are you interested in hearing how
others have interpreted this behavior?
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
• Present:•This is what they are
saying: ...
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3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW
• Question:• Are you interested in my view?
• Present• This is how I view it
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T = TEST
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T = DISCREPANCY TEST
Is there a discrepancy between where you are and where you want to be:
• Has the basis for continuing dialogue been achieved?• Is your understanding more complete?• Is your rapport greater now than it was before the
meeting?
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T = TEST THE WATERS
• If you remain uncomfortable with the meeting result, …
• SAY:• I hear what you are saying, but it doesn’t
seem to explain everything that I’ve seen happening:
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T = TEST THE WATERS
•In particular, several events remain unexplained or unclear:
• Event #1
• Event #2
• Event #3
• Can you help me here?
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RESOLUTION
• AGREE
• AGREE TO DISAGREE
• DISAGREE
• THEN, DEFINE:
NEXT STEPS
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04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 218
Start next review session here
04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 221
End video session here