Reflection Series Paper 1
Reflection Series Paper
Eugene Joseph
B1102169
Department of Psychology
PSY 338
Ms. Jocelyn
Reflection Assignment Marking Scheme (PSY 338)
Part 1: Depth of personal reflection, critical thinking and writing style (Grammar, flow of paper)
/10 marks
Part 2: Depth of personal reflection, critical thinking and writing style (Grammar, flow of paper)
/10 marks
Part 3: Depth of personal reflection, critical thinking and writing style (Grammar, flow of paper)
/10 marks
Reflection Series Paper 2
Reflections Series Part 1
The past, and its haunting success, or learnt experience? (The influence of experience in the
building blocks of a relationship).
Whenever girls were to get together with me, it is always a huge question mark on her
previous relationships and if she’s still a virgin. Yes, shallow and very short. In initial research, it
is a built in feeling for men for this insecurity, as only a woman would know whose seed she
really bears. Hence, men suffer from paternity uncertainty, even if he is completely sure and
confident that his mate has been faithful to him, he cannot be absolutely certain that her child is
his. (Buss & Schmitt, 1993 as cited by Miller, 2015). Because of this, men are always worried
about their partner’s infidelity, even if women cheat lesser than men (Schutzwohl, 2006 as cited
by Miller, 2015). Perhaps it has changed over time?
In this era, many people fall in and out of relationships from a very young age, as cultures
change around the world. The western practice of cohabitation and defacto relationships has
slowly seeped into the Asian culture where many of these are seen as a taboo. Students, who
study abroad and away from home in fact, are subservient to this belief, and most students have
already indulged themselves in cohabiting relationships. The belief system has changed, the
ideologies which were imparted to them from young is now influenced by other cultures from all
over the world. Whether or not these individuals experience a high level of dissonance, one thing
is for sure, the previous relationship will have an influence on the next relationship.
How so would a relationship affect a person? Although terminologies vary - to include
denial, blocking, avoidance and repression among others – the general theme is that the
intentional suppression of conscious though about lost loves is often attempted as a means of
Reflection Series Paper 3
escaping the negative emotions that accompany the thought (Wegner & Gold, 1995). It is not for
me to conclude that every relationship that ever existed ended bitterly, there are among many
who ended things due to unavoidable circumstances, and remained as friends till the other spouse
found someone else and eventually married off. These relationships may still have a carryover
effect to the next relationships, yet, in many a case, past literature only took note of married
relationships that were dissatisfying.
According to statistics, 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry (Coleman et al,
2000 as cited by Brimhall, 2005). About one-third of those who are currently married have been
married at least once before (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1997 as cited by Brimhall) and
approximately 4 out of 10 people who marry today are entering a marriage in which at least one
partner has been married before (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1997; Norton & Miller, 1992 as
cited by Brimhall). If this trend continues, professionals estimate that the majority of people in
this country will be married more than once during their lifetime (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley,
1997 as cited by Brimhall).
With this reference, post-divorce adjustment has received a moderate amount of clinical
and academic attention. One of the prevailing theories in post-divorce adjustment is that even
though the marriage has officially dissolved, many spouses report a persistent attachment
towards their ex-spouse (Weiss, 1975). Redefining the emotional relationship between two
former spouses is more prolonged, especially for those partners who are sharing parenting
responsibilities (Madden-Derdich & Arditti, 1999).
However, is it only amongst married people that a past relationship will have a strong
effect in the current relationship? There is a lack of research on the carry over effect of lovers on
Reflection Series Paper 4
its own. For instance, past literature has proven that sharing parenting responsibilities is a factor
of contribution in post-marriage relationships. How about other factors such as duration of time
in relationship, cohabitation, seriousness on marriage or shares interests? A person who ends up
in a bitter break up after a year or a period of five years, which will have a stronger influence on
the current relationship? Most will definitely say that the longer time together, the more the pain.
Yet, I beg to differ in this, as it is not the duration of time spent between two people
which will have a significant carryover effect, but the intensity of time spent with each other. A
person can have a long distant relationship with another person for five years, as opposed to a
person who cohabitates with a person for just one year. Living together, sharing every significant
moment together with the other person, this relationship will have a stronger effect in the current
relationship.
With this, comes the question, should the past be forgotten or cherished memories? Many
people still advocate themselves to believing that every significant relationship must be
cherished and pondered upon as a bittersweet lesson, yet there are some who strongly oppose to
this that bad memories are always haunting and should be forgotten. It is only wiser, if the past
relationship, however bitter or sweet, is not brought into the current relationship. It is only the
best thing to do, because good or bad, people would only like to live in the present, and having
any significance from the past will hurt the person involved in the relationship.
Reflection Series Paper 5
Reflection Series Part 2
When does communication have its drawbacks? (Communication in a relationship)
Communication and self-disclosure are the key elements to a successful relationship. The
more self-disclosure a couple share, the happier they tend to be (Sprecher & Hendrick, 2004 as
cited by Miller 2015). However, is it all sharing and acceptance in communication, or does it
have its drawbacks?
In the modern era where casual sex is not a very clear taboo in most societies, it is rather
difficult to judge one’s own quality of relationship compared to a previous relationship. Holding
the past on its own, are there any underlying factors to communication and its extent during first
impression?
In a study done, it was discovered that people who open up to each other like each other
more than do couples who do not reveal as much (Laurenceau et al, 2004 as cited by Miller,
2015). This shows that self-disclosure is a very important element in any relationship. It
promotes honesty and helps to maintain loyalty between spouses. Yet again, in a stereotypical
society as today, too much self-disclosure will get a person in the limelight of judgmental eyes.
An instance is when a person does not know boundaries and limitations. For example, a
person who discloses oneself too quick to a potential partner may tend to draw the partner away.
“The most important thing to remember is that you are in control of how much you tell; do not
let anyone manipulate you into sharing more than you feel comfortable sharing.”
— Sean Bennick, Webmaster of Mental Health Matters
Reflection Series Paper 6
This particular quote made an impression on me the first time I came across it. Are we really in
control of how much we disclose to another person? Paralanguage and non-verbal ques might
disclose us easily in fact. When we feel too attached to a person, we have the tendency to
disclose information which we have kept hidden from others. Yet, upon disclosure, we might be
misinterpreted for our good intentions. Research reveals the theory of the interpersonal gap, what
the sender intends to say and what the listener thinks he or she hears. With this theory in place,
one can clearly note that not everybody will understand what we really tend to say and mean, and
the only means of sending a message across, is capped to our vocabulary power. Even if
language is not a hindrance, yet our true emotions and feelings are sometimes too complex to be
substantiated into words for another party to understand. Yet, some of us choose to be opened
about disclosing ourselves to another.
Disclosing oneself to another person may not usually be a problem for many. However,
how soon should we disclose ourselves to another person? Should time be an ultimatum factor to
decide upon who and when we should let another person into our personal realm? Or should
personality traits and attraction deem us upon doing so?
In this era, when a girl discloses herself easily and quickly to another person, she is
deemed as an ‘easy’ target. She is not perceived as to be having high standards when choosing a
mate, because, she may have disclosed herself easily in the first move. Men in particular would
prefer such women for casual affairs, but not for long term affairs such as marriage and family.
Self-disclosure has the potential to destroy relationships. We flippantly use the phrase
"too much information" to tell others they have shared more than we wanted to hear. In an
expressive friendship or relationship, too much information can create severe damage.
Reflection Series Paper 7
Enlightening concealed wishes and other undesirable self-revelations is sure to have an
impression on a relationship. For an example, no one would want to hear that a friend, lover, or
partner would prefer to be with someone else.
The flip side of this is, the person who rejects to unveil anything to those he or she is
closest to; this lack of trust, often caused by fear of rejection, would consequent to hurt and
doubt for the friend, lover, or partner. It is a sign of love, trust, and respect to share the things
that matter to us with the people who matter to us. When this does not happen, the message is
clear: you do not matter to me. That message is almost certain to kill a relationship either quickly
or through a slow deterioration (Steinbach, 2013).
Reflection Series Paper 8
Reflection Series 3
Attachment styles, should there be a mix-up or match up?
Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory regarding
relationships between humans. The most important precept of attachment theory is that a young
child needs to progress in a relationship with at least one main caregiver for social and emotional
development to happen ordinarily. Within attachment theory, infant behavior associated with
attachment is primarily the seeking of closeness to an attachment figure in tense situations; the
caregiver. Infants become devoted to adults who are sensitive and responsive in social
interactions with them, and who remain as consistent caregivers for some months during the
period from about six months to two years of age. During the latter part of this age, children start
to use attachment figures (familiar people) as a safe base to explore from and return to. Parental
reactions lead to the development of patterns of attachment; these, in turn, lead to internal
working models which will guide the individual's feelings, thoughts and expectations in later
relationships. Separation anxiety or grief following the loss of an attachment figure is considered
to be a normal and adaptive response for an attached infant. These behaviors may have evolved
because they increase the probability of survival of the child.
Ainsworth was the earliest to classify babies’ attachment styles empirically, based on an
organized series of partings and meetings between the infant and caregiver, the Strange Situation
(Ainsworth et al., 1978 as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen, 2002). Upon get-together, secure
infants seek heartening contact with the caregiver. These infants learn to trust on the availability
and sensitivity of the caregiver if the need arises. Ainsworth and her colleagues recognized three
differences of insecure attachment patterns. Avoidant infants are indifferent or ignore the return
Reflection Series Paper 9
of the caregiver after separation. Anxious/ ambivalent infants seek contact with the caregiver but
fail to be soothed by it (Ainsworth et al., 1978 as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen). Main and
Solomon (1986) as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen later added a fourth attachment style,
disorganized, characterized by the lack of a coherent pattern of responding to separation and
reunion.
Two themes are now thought to underlie the four styles. Anxiety over abandonment is an
attachment style which describes the worry that others will find us unworthy and leave us.
Avoidance of intimacy, is describing the ease and trust with which we accept interdependent
intimacy with others. Based on this, attachment theories have a very large effect on the way a
person is in relationships.
For example a person, who is anxious, will usually be clingier as he or she will be in
constant fear of losing a partner. Said person will be happy and comfortable in the relationship
but will be on the constant worry that their partner would leave them. Avoidance of intimacy on
the other hand, is when a person would love being in the relationship, yet would not want to get
too close, for the fear of rejection or being hurt.
A question to ponder upon though; what if a person with an anxious attachment style was
to get together with a person with an avoidant attachment style. It seems the obvious, that one
person will constantly be in the chase for the other, whereas the other party will be constantly
rejecting the closeness. Such relationships should not happen, yet, it is believed that one should
never give up easily in a relationship.
“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”
-Michael Jordan
Reflection Series Paper 10
The above quote shows that nothing comes easy in life. A great relationship, a career you
can be proud of, a family, serving, innovating, and helping others? All of those require deep
thought, self-control, self-sacrifice, and a willingness to put in a lot of effort over a long amount
of time. Likewise, a relationship can only be a success, if one puts in effort into it. Yet, how can
the efforts meet, if there are two very contradicting attachment styles in play?
Many incidents happened to me in this course of relationship I have been in for the past
six months. I have loved, made love, felt intimate beyond measure, and yet had the same share of
pain, hurt and difficulties as any other would face in a relationship. I have learnt the sort of
attachment style I have, and the type of personality I am, and as careful as I may be, when it
comes to falling in love, it sometimes spiteful to know that the mind does not seem to work well
where the heart is at place. Attachment styles and etc only comes out much later in the process of
a relationship, and beforehand, one may not easily know what a person is like. Now the real
question in mind is, if it is worth it? With two contradicting attachment styles, it is definitely
difficult to be in a relationship, yet should one work hard enough to work in the middle? Would
it bring happiness in the relationship?
Be it good or bad, once the knot is tied, there’s no turning back. Through thick and thin,
till death do us apart. The sanctity of marriage and its institution should always be kept scared in
the eyes of people who are in a relationship. Before the marriage is the real test, to be together,
self-discovery, self-disclosure, esteem among one another and to hold the love even when one
almost wears out. That’s the roller coaster of love. Everything else, including attachment styles,
should be mediocre in the eyes of the couple in the relationship.
Reflection Series Paper 11
Reference
Brimhall, A.S. (2005). Learning from the past, altering the future: The effects of past
relationships on couples who remarry. A Dissertation in Family Therapy. 1-195.
Eisikovits, O.N., Dutra, L.A.M., & Westen, D. (2002), Relationship between attachment
patterns and personality pathology in adolescents. Child Adolescent Psychiatry, 4 (19),
1111-1124.
Hyman. I. (2008). Self-disclosure and its impact on individuals who receive mental health
services. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Centre for Mental
Health Services, 1-50.
Wegner, D.M., & Gold, D.B. (1995). Fanning old flames: Emotional and cognitive effects of
suppressing thoughts of past relationships. Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology.68 (5), 782-793.
What impact does self-disclosures have on relationships. Retrieved from
http://www.enotes.com/homework-help/what-impact-does-self-disclosure-have-450924
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