Individual Assignment

Reflection Series Paper 1

Reflection Series Paper

Eugene Joseph

B1102169

Department of Psychology

PSY 338

Ms. Jocelyn

Reflection Assignment Marking Scheme (PSY 338)

Part 1: Depth of personal reflection, critical thinking and writing style (Grammar, flow of paper)

/10 marks


/10 marks


/10 marks


Reflections Series Part 1

The past, and its haunting success, or learnt experience? (The influence of experience in the

building blocks of a relationship).

Whenever girls were to get together with me, it is always a huge question mark on her

previous relationships and if she’s still a virgin. Yes, shallow and very short. In initial research, it

is a built in feeling for men for this insecurity, as only a woman would know whose seed she

really bears. Hence, men suffer from paternity uncertainty, even if he is completely sure and

confident that his mate has been faithful to him, he cannot be absolutely certain that her child is

his. (Buss & Schmitt, 1993 as cited by Miller, 2015). Because of this, men are always worried

about their partner’s infidelity, even if women cheat lesser than men (Schutzwohl, 2006 as cited

by Miller, 2015). Perhaps it has changed over time?

In this era, many people fall in and out of relationships from a very young age, as cultures

change around the world. The western practice of cohabitation and defacto relationships has

slowly seeped into the Asian culture where many of these are seen as a taboo. Students, who

study abroad and away from home in fact, are subservient to this belief, and most students have

already indulged themselves in cohabiting relationships. The belief system has changed, the

ideologies which were imparted to them from young is now influenced by other cultures from all

over the world. Whether or not these individuals experience a high level of dissonance, one thing

is for sure, the previous relationship will have an influence on the next relationship.

How so would a relationship affect a person? Although terminologies vary - to include

denial, blocking, avoidance and repression among others – the general theme is that the

intentional suppression of conscious though about lost loves is often attempted as a means of


escaping the negative emotions that accompany the thought (Wegner & Gold, 1995). It is not for

me to conclude that every relationship that ever existed ended bitterly, there are among many

who ended things due to unavoidable circumstances, and remained as friends till the other spouse

found someone else and eventually married off. These relationships may still have a carryover

effect to the next relationships, yet, in many a case, past literature only took note of married

relationships that were dissatisfying.

According to statistics, 75% of those who divorce will eventually remarry (Coleman et al,

2000 as cited by Brimhall, 2005). About one-third of those who are currently married have been

married at least once before (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1997 as cited by Brimhall) and

approximately 4 out of 10 people who marry today are entering a marriage in which at least one

partner has been married before (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1997; Norton & Miller, 1992 as

cited by Brimhall). If this trend continues, professionals estimate that the majority of people in

this country will be married more than once during their lifetime (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley,

1997 as cited by Brimhall).

With this reference, post-divorce adjustment has received a moderate amount of clinical

and academic attention. One of the prevailing theories in post-divorce adjustment is that even

though the marriage has officially dissolved, many spouses report a persistent attachment

towards their ex-spouse (Weiss, 1975). Redefining the emotional relationship between two

former spouses is more prolonged, especially for those partners who are sharing parenting

responsibilities (Madden-Derdich & Arditti, 1999).

However, is it only amongst married people that a past relationship will have a strong

effect in the current relationship? There is a lack of research on the carry over effect of lovers on


its own. For instance, past literature has proven that sharing parenting responsibilities is a factor

of contribution in post-marriage relationships. How about other factors such as duration of time

in relationship, cohabitation, seriousness on marriage or shares interests? A person who ends up

in a bitter break up after a year or a period of five years, which will have a stronger influence on

the current relationship? Most will definitely say that the longer time together, the more the pain.

Yet, I beg to differ in this, as it is not the duration of time spent between two people

which will have a significant carryover effect, but the intensity of time spent with each other. A

person can have a long distant relationship with another person for five years, as opposed to a

person who cohabitates with a person for just one year. Living together, sharing every significant

moment together with the other person, this relationship will have a stronger effect in the current

relationship.

With this, comes the question, should the past be forgotten or cherished memories? Many

people still advocate themselves to believing that every significant relationship must be

cherished and pondered upon as a bittersweet lesson, yet there are some who strongly oppose to

this that bad memories are always haunting and should be forgotten. It is only wiser, if the past

relationship, however bitter or sweet, is not brought into the current relationship. It is only the

best thing to do, because good or bad, people would only like to live in the present, and having

any significance from the past will hurt the person involved in the relationship.


Reflection Series Part 2

When does communication have its drawbacks? (Communication in a relationship)

Communication and self-disclosure are the key elements to a successful relationship. The

more self-disclosure a couple share, the happier they tend to be (Sprecher & Hendrick, 2004 as

cited by Miller 2015). However, is it all sharing and acceptance in communication, or does it

have its drawbacks?

In the modern era where casual sex is not a very clear taboo in most societies, it is rather

difficult to judge one’s own quality of relationship compared to a previous relationship. Holding

the past on its own, are there any underlying factors to communication and its extent during first

impression?

In a study done, it was discovered that people who open up to each other like each other

more than do couples who do not reveal as much (Laurenceau et al, 2004 as cited by Miller,

2015). This shows that self-disclosure is a very important element in any relationship. It

promotes honesty and helps to maintain loyalty between spouses. Yet again, in a stereotypical

society as today, too much self-disclosure will get a person in the limelight of judgmental eyes.

An instance is when a person does not know boundaries and limitations. For example, a

person who discloses oneself too quick to a potential partner may tend to draw the partner away.

“The most important thing to remember is that you are in control of how much you tell; do not

let anyone manipulate you into sharing more than you feel comfortable sharing.”

— Sean Bennick, Webmaster of Mental Health Matters


This particular quote made an impression on me the first time I came across it. Are we really in

control of how much we disclose to another person? Paralanguage and non-verbal ques might

disclose us easily in fact. When we feel too attached to a person, we have the tendency to

disclose information which we have kept hidden from others. Yet, upon disclosure, we might be

misinterpreted for our good intentions. Research reveals the theory of the interpersonal gap, what

the sender intends to say and what the listener thinks he or she hears. With this theory in place,

one can clearly note that not everybody will understand what we really tend to say and mean, and

the only means of sending a message across, is capped to our vocabulary power. Even if

language is not a hindrance, yet our true emotions and feelings are sometimes too complex to be

substantiated into words for another party to understand. Yet, some of us choose to be opened

about disclosing ourselves to another.

Disclosing oneself to another person may not usually be a problem for many. However,

how soon should we disclose ourselves to another person? Should time be an ultimatum factor to

decide upon who and when we should let another person into our personal realm? Or should

personality traits and attraction deem us upon doing so?

In this era, when a girl discloses herself easily and quickly to another person, she is

deemed as an ‘easy’ target. She is not perceived as to be having high standards when choosing a

mate, because, she may have disclosed herself easily in the first move. Men in particular would

prefer such women for casual affairs, but not for long term affairs such as marriage and family.

Self-disclosure has the potential to destroy relationships. We flippantly use the phrase

"too much information" to tell others they have shared more than we wanted to hear. In an

expressive friendship or relationship, too much information can create severe damage.


Enlightening concealed wishes and other undesirable self-revelations is sure to have an

impression on a relationship. For an example, no one would want to hear that a friend, lover, or

partner would prefer to be with someone else.

The flip side of this is, the person who rejects to unveil anything to those he or she is

closest to; this lack of trust, often caused by fear of rejection, would consequent to hurt and

doubt for the friend, lover, or partner. It is a sign of love, trust, and respect to share the things

that matter to us with the people who matter to us. When this does not happen, the message is

clear: you do not matter to me. That message is almost certain to kill a relationship either quickly

or through a slow deterioration (Steinbach, 2013).


Reflection Series 3

Attachment styles, should there be a mix-up or match up?

Attachment theory is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory regarding

relationships between humans. The most important precept of attachment theory is that a young

child needs to progress in a relationship with at least one main caregiver for social and emotional

development to happen ordinarily. Within attachment theory, infant behavior associated with

attachment is primarily the seeking of closeness to an attachment figure in tense situations; the

caregiver. Infants become devoted to adults who are sensitive and responsive in social

interactions with them, and who remain as consistent caregivers for some months during the

period from about six months to two years of age. During the latter part of this age, children start

to use attachment figures (familiar people) as a safe base to explore from and return to. Parental

reactions lead to the development of patterns of attachment; these, in turn, lead to internal

working models which will guide the individual's feelings, thoughts and expectations in later

relationships. Separation anxiety or grief following the loss of an attachment figure is considered

to be a normal and adaptive response for an attached infant. These behaviors may have evolved

because they increase the probability of survival of the child.

Ainsworth was the earliest to classify babies’ attachment styles empirically, based on an

organized series of partings and meetings between the infant and caregiver, the Strange Situation

(Ainsworth et al., 1978 as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen, 2002). Upon get-together, secure

infants seek heartening contact with the caregiver. These infants learn to trust on the availability

and sensitivity of the caregiver if the need arises. Ainsworth and her colleagues recognized three

differences of insecure attachment patterns. Avoidant infants are indifferent or ignore the return


of the caregiver after separation. Anxious/ ambivalent infants seek contact with the caregiver but

fail to be soothed by it (Ainsworth et al., 1978 as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen). Main and

Solomon (1986) as cited by Eisikovits, Dutra & Westen later added a fourth attachment style,

disorganized, characterized by the lack of a coherent pattern of responding to separation and

reunion.

Two themes are now thought to underlie the four styles. Anxiety over abandonment is an

attachment style which describes the worry that others will find us unworthy and leave us.

Avoidance of intimacy, is describing the ease and trust with which we accept interdependent

intimacy with others. Based on this, attachment theories have a very large effect on the way a

person is in relationships.

For example a person, who is anxious, will usually be clingier as he or she will be in

constant fear of losing a partner. Said person will be happy and comfortable in the relationship

but will be on the constant worry that their partner would leave them. Avoidance of intimacy on

the other hand, is when a person would love being in the relationship, yet would not want to get

too close, for the fear of rejection or being hurt.

A question to ponder upon though; what if a person with an anxious attachment style was

to get together with a person with an avoidant attachment style. It seems the obvious, that one

person will constantly be in the chase for the other, whereas the other party will be constantly

rejecting the closeness. Such relationships should not happen, yet, it is believed that one should

never give up easily in a relationship.

“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”

-Michael Jordan


The above quote shows that nothing comes easy in life. A great relationship, a career you

can be proud of, a family, serving, innovating, and helping others? All of those require deep

thought, self-control, self-sacrifice, and a willingness to put in a lot of effort over a long amount

of time. Likewise, a relationship can only be a success, if one puts in effort into it. Yet, how can

the efforts meet, if there are two very contradicting attachment styles in play?

Many incidents happened to me in this course of relationship I have been in for the past

six months. I have loved, made love, felt intimate beyond measure, and yet had the same share of

pain, hurt and difficulties as any other would face in a relationship. I have learnt the sort of

attachment style I have, and the type of personality I am, and as careful as I may be, when it

comes to falling in love, it sometimes spiteful to know that the mind does not seem to work well

where the heart is at place. Attachment styles and etc only comes out much later in the process of

a relationship, and beforehand, one may not easily know what a person is like. Now the real

question in mind is, if it is worth it? With two contradicting attachment styles, it is definitely

difficult to be in a relationship, yet should one work hard enough to work in the middle? Would

it bring happiness in the relationship?

Be it good or bad, once the knot is tied, there’s no turning back. Through thick and thin,

till death do us apart. The sanctity of marriage and its institution should always be kept scared in

the eyes of people who are in a relationship. Before the marriage is the real test, to be together,

self-discovery, self-disclosure, esteem among one another and to hold the love even when one

almost wears out. That’s the roller coaster of love. Everything else, including attachment styles,

should be mediocre in the eyes of the couple in the relationship.


Reference

Brimhall, A.S. (2005). Learning from the past, altering the future: The effects of past

relationships on couples who remarry. A Dissertation in Family Therapy. 1-195.

Eisikovits, O.N., Dutra, L.A.M., & Westen, D. (2002), Relationship between attachment

patterns and personality pathology in adolescents. Child Adolescent Psychiatry, 4 (19),

1111-1124.

Hyman. I. (2008). Self-disclosure and its impact on individuals who receive mental health

services. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Centre for Mental

Health Services, 1-50.

Wegner, D.M., & Gold, D.B. (1995). Fanning old flames: Emotional and cognitive effects of

suppressing thoughts of past relationships. Journal of Personality and Social

Psychology.68 (5), 782-793.

What impact does self-disclosures have on relationships. Retrieved from

http://www.enotes.com/homework-help/what-impact-does-self-disclosure-have-450924

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