Founder Communication
Joe Greenstein Nov 14, 2014
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Topics for Today
Disclosure & Vulnerability
Effective Teams & Culture
Feedback & Relationships
Format: Learn together, not talk at you
Working
I ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Respect confidentiality
Minimize distractions
Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
agreements
Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Disclosure & Team stuff 80 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback concepts & practice 75 mins
Break 10 mins
1:1 feedback 50 mins
Closing 15 mins
TOTAL 4 hrs
Agenda
ONE BIG IDEA
Three Realities (The Net Model)
INTENTNeeds
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?
Everyone feels
them, we just
pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information,
absence of
emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance.
Most powerful
motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Stress
Learning
One more quick note: Where We Learn Most
15%
Comfort
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
SELF-DISCLOSUREWe are constantly making the choice of
letting our self be more fully known
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Vulnerability“In order for connection to happen, we
have to allow ourselves to be really
seen.”
VulnerabilityThe Paradox of Trust
You prefer to look strong rather than weak.
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness is
perceived as sign of strength.
More Benefits of Self-Disclosure
1. Build connection, trust2. Repair distortions3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Johari Window
© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011
OPEN/PUBLIC
BLIND
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
The Bottom Line1. Disclosure is critical to connection.
2. Vulnerability is usually seen as strength.
3. Authentic leaders are more influential.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
Team & Culture
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
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Effective Teams1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Problem: Can’t order people to do any of this.
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Essential Conditions1. Mutual trust
2. Group identity (feeling of belonging)
3. Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)
Research: All of these are correlated to group EQ.
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ (Individual)Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Our normsWhat norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Feedback & Influence
What we mean by “feedback”
1. Not formal performance reviews
2. Not teaching functional skills
3. Discussions about interpersonal interactions and
working relationships
Why is feedback important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger relationships
Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.
Can I give you
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
some feedback?
Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
Threat responsePhysiological signs?
Emotional Signs?
Cognitive Signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]
Social threatSocial situations ≈ Physical threats
Many times/day…
Most common location?
The Workplace
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF Model
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David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
More
The Bottom Line1. As a leader, you are a walking, talking social
threat. Be aware of this, be thoughtful.
2. You are also a role model – watch your own
defensive reactions.
A personal aside… The owl & the crocodile.
Dr. Seymour
“The limbic system that evolved to help us survive may be slowly killing us with the internal stress and external damage it produces...“
Who’s talking now?
So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?
THE NET (AGAIN)
INTENTNeeds
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
New Mental Model
1. Feedback is new information about the internal reactions my
behavior has triggered in another person.
2. A feedback conversation is an opportunity for me to share new
information about the internal worlds behind my behavior.
3. Both sides get to decide what to do with that new
information.
Feedback is a gift!
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU
3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions.
(Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)
How to Give Effective Feedback
Stay on your side of the net!
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Lets try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a
good job with this presentation.
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
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● Give more!!!
● Do not praise to overcome resistance
● Do not praise to buffer criticism
● Avoid “The Sandwich”
● Avoid platitudes. Be specific
● Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”
● Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel
excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”
Tips for Complimentary Feedback
• Assume good intent, be curious
• Use a soft start• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint-problem solving
Tips for Constructive Feedback
● Gift mentality
● Listen and ask clarifying questions
● Acknowledge your feelings
● Goal is understanding, not “winning”
● Say “Thank You!”
Tips for Receiving Feedback
Last ReminderStay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions
Thanks, goodbye, & stay on
your side of the net.
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