Dealing with an Addict in the Family
Q: My husband, Steve, is addicted to pain pills. He was in a
car accident last year and had many injuries. After losing his
job, he started relying more on the pain pills and refuses to
get treatment for his addiction.
I’m worried about the impact his addiction is having on
our two children.
Our daughter, Jessica, is only seven years old. Our son, Jamie,
is ten years old. They’re having a hard time understanding
what is happening to my husband, and they’re asking a lot of
questions. My daughter keeps asking about the pills she sees
him take every day. I want to tell them the truth about his
pills, but I’m scared.
How can I tell my children the truth about my husband’s
addiction?
A: Addiction can hurt the entire family, especially young
children, so your desire to protect them is important. Young
children are naturally curious, and they’re also worried about
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their father.
Your children already suspect something serious is
happening, so it’s important to address it. Their questions
will continue until they get answers from you or someone
else.
Children have a remarkable ability to spot lies from their
parents. It’s important to tell them the truth about your
husband’s addiction. However, the conversation must be age
appropriate. First, though, try to determine how much they
understand about Steve’s addiction and go from there.
Jessica and Jamie are young, but they’re still able to pick up on
your emotions and issues. This is why it’s important to
carefully discuss the addiction with them.
Q: How do I start the conversation about Steve’s
addiction with my children? I’m worried I’ll say the wrong
thing and Steve will get upset. I’m also worried the children
won’t understand.
A: You may want to talk to your children alone, so Steve’s
presence doesn’t influence the conversation. It’s important to
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pick a time for the conversation that is calm and free from
other arguments.
Your children need to be reassured that you and Steve love
them, but they also need to hear the truth. You may want to
start the conversation by bringing up the questions your
daughter keeps asking about the pills. This will help you
transition the talk to the addiction without it seeming like an
odd choice.
An age-appropriate conversation will help your children
better understand what is happening in the household. They
already suspect something is going on, so you can’t ignore
the issues.
Your children are aware of Steve’s accident and have seen his
injuries. You can talk about how he started to take the pills
for his injuries. It’s important to keep the language of the
conversation age-appropriate and use simple terms.
You may want to mention that addiction is a disease. Your
children will probably remember their last cold. You can use
this to explain that there are different types of illnesses and
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diseases. Steve is sick and needs treatment, so it’s crucial
they understand that this isn’t normal behavior.
You also want to leave time at the end of the conversation
for Jessica and Jamie to ask questions. This will help them
feel like they’re being heard and understood.
Q: I don’t understand why Steve isn’t worried about the
children learning the truth. Steve’s addiction has progressed
to the point that he doesn’t care what he does in front of the
children. He takes his pills in front of them. He argues and
fights with me in front of them. He even took our son with
him to pick up pills from a friend.
What can I do to show Steve the children are being hurt by
his behavior? He was always a great father, and I feel like his
love for them could help him overcome the addiction.
A: First, it’s important to remember that opiate addiction can
change a person’s behavior in many ways. It’s also important
to keep in mind that addiction can change your entire family
structure.
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Steve still loves the children and you, but the addiction is
stopping him from making good decisions. Addiction can
actually change brain chemistry.
Steve’s addiction to pain pills makes it difficult for him to see
how he is hurting the family. He may not be aware of how his
actions are affecting the children. However, even if he is
aware, he can’t stop or change because of the addiction.
You can’t control the addict, and you can’t blame yourself
for his blindness toward the children.
Showing Steve the impact his addiction is having on the
children may not be enough for him to change his behavior.
His desire to overcome the addiction must come internally
for it to last and work.
Steve can get better, but it will take time and effort for him to
move past the addiction.
Q: I know my daughter is going to ask why we can’t take him
to a doctor. She always wants to take anyone who is sick to
the doctor. She can be very persistent.
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How do I explain to my daughter that Steve doesn’t want
to go to the doctor or get treatment? I’m worried that she
will make Steve angry with her ideas.
A: Children don’t like seeing their parents sick or hurt, so
Jessica is simply trying to help. In her own way, she thinks a
doctor can cure or save Steve. However, it’s important to talk
to your daughter and address this topic.
First, you may want to acknowledge her feelings and state
that you understand why she wants to help.
Next, you want to help her understand that Steve isn’t ready
to go to a doctor. Steve is an adult and can’t be forced to seek
treatment.
You also want to make sure that Jessica remembers it’s not
her fault that Steve is sick. She also needs to know that she
can’t fix his addiction. As you discuss his disease, you want to
avoid blame.
Q: I get it, but I’m still scared for Jessica and Jamie. I keep
thinking about the time that Steve took our son with him to
get more pills. I’m scared he’ll do it again, and they might get
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hurt in his care. However, I don’t want to give up on him and
leave him. He’s still a good father, but he makes mistakes.
How do I protect my children and save my marriage?
A: Your desire to protect the children and save your
marriage is normal. You don’t have to give up on Steve, but
you can take precautions to protect Jessica and Jamie.
First, you may want to discuss his pain pill addiction with his
doctor. You can attend one of his appointments and talk
about the issues you’re seeing. You mentioned that he’s also
getting pills from a friend. It’s important that his doctor is
aware of this.
Second, you may want to consider therapy as you deal with
Steve’s addiction. You may need individual and couples
therapy to help you handle the issues.
Steve’s doctor and a therapist can help you save your
marriage. In addition, you can take steps to keep your
children safe.
You may want to hire a reliable and mature babysitter to
watch the children while you’re at work. Even if Steve is at
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home, a babysitter can protect your children. Addicts often
take their children with them to pick up drugs because they
can’t leave them home alone. A babysitter can help
eliminate this challenge.
Choose the babysitter carefully. It’s important that they
understand the issues in your home and Steve’s behavior.
You can’t hide Steve’s addiction from a babysitter. You may
want to hire a close friend or family member who
understands your household. However, it’s important to be
aware that this will shift the family’s dynamic. Your family is
already changing because of Steve’s addiction, so this can
have another impact.
Q: I understand our family is changing because of Steve, but I
still wish I could stop it. How can I convince Steve to get
help? Every time I bring up this topic he gets angry, and we
fight.
A: It’s important to remember that you can’t blame yourself
for the addiction. In addition, you need to keep in mind that
you can’t change Steve. It may be tempting to wish that you
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could magically restore your family to the point before his
addiction. However, focusing on reality is more important.
You may want to do an intervention to help Steve. Before you
arrange one, you may want to consult with professional
therapists and doctors who treat addicts. Instead of pointing
out Steve’s faults and negative behavior, the intervention
focuses on his positive qualities.
The intervention is designed to remind Steve that people
still love him and want him to get better.
You want to have a professional therapist or doctor attend
the intervention, so they can talk to Steve. They may be able
to convince him to enter treatment and change his life.
However, you need to have realistic expectations and
understand Steve may reject this idea.
Another option is to have a former addict talk to Steve
and encourage him to get help.
Talking to a person who has been through the same issues
may help Steve realize he can change. You can find former
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addicts willing to talk to Steve at various clinics and
rehabilitation centers.
You can also help Steve sign up for local meetings
designed to help addicts in various stages of the disease.
Depending on the circumstances, you may want to attend the
meetings with him or have a friend go with him.
If these steps do not work at first, then consider waiting a bit
and trying them again.
Sometimes people need more space to process the ideas.
Steve may change his mind later about treatment options.
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