Family Matters Dealing With an Addict In the Family

Dealing with an Addict in the Family

Q: My husband, Steve, is addicted to pain pills. He was in a

car accident last year and had many injuries. After losing his

job, he started relying more on the pain pills and refuses to

get treatment for his addiction.

I’m worried about the impact his addiction is having on

our two children.

Our daughter, Jessica, is only seven years old. Our son, Jamie,

is ten years old. They’re having a hard time understanding

what is happening to my husband, and they’re asking a lot of

questions. My daughter keeps asking about the pills she sees

him take every day. I want to tell them the truth about his

pills, but I’m scared.

How can I tell my children the truth about my husband’s

addiction?

A: Addiction can hurt the entire family, especially young

children, so your desire to protect them is important. Young

children are naturally curious, and they’re also worried about

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their father.

Your children already suspect something serious is

happening, so it’s important to address it. Their questions

will continue until they get answers from you or someone

else.

Children have a remarkable ability to spot lies from their

parents. It’s important to tell them the truth about your

husband’s addiction. However, the conversation must be age

appropriate. First, though, try to determine how much they

understand about Steve’s addiction and go from there.

Jessica and Jamie are young, but they’re still able to pick up on

your emotions and issues. This is why it’s important to

carefully discuss the addiction with them.

Q: How do I start the conversation about Steve’s

addiction with my children? I’m worried I’ll say the wrong

thing and Steve will get upset. I’m also worried the children

won’t understand.

A: You may want to talk to your children alone, so Steve’s

presence doesn’t influence the conversation. It’s important to

FAMILY MATTERS: Dealing With an Addict in the Family

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pick a time for the conversation that is calm and free from

other arguments.

Your children need to be reassured that you and Steve love

them, but they also need to hear the truth. You may want to

start the conversation by bringing up the questions your

daughter keeps asking about the pills. This will help you

transition the talk to the addiction without it seeming like an

odd choice.

An age-appropriate conversation will help your children

better understand what is happening in the household. They

already suspect something is going on, so you can’t ignore

the issues.

Your children are aware of Steve’s accident and have seen his

injuries. You can talk about how he started to take the pills

for his injuries. It’s important to keep the language of the

conversation age-appropriate and use simple terms.

You may want to mention that addiction is a disease. Your

children will probably remember their last cold. You can use

this to explain that there are different types of illnesses and


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diseases. Steve is sick and needs treatment, so it’s crucial

they understand that this isn’t normal behavior.

You also want to leave time at the end of the conversation

for Jessica and Jamie to ask questions. This will help them

feel like they’re being heard and understood.

Q: I don’t understand why Steve isn’t worried about the

children learning the truth. Steve’s addiction has progressed

to the point that he doesn’t care what he does in front of the

children. He takes his pills in front of them. He argues and

fights with me in front of them. He even took our son with

him to pick up pills from a friend.

What can I do to show Steve the children are being hurt by

his behavior? He was always a great father, and I feel like his

love for them could help him overcome the addiction.

A: First, it’s important to remember that opiate addiction can

change a person’s behavior in many ways. It’s also important

to keep in mind that addiction can change your entire family

structure.


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Steve still loves the children and you, but the addiction is

stopping him from making good decisions. Addiction can

actually change brain chemistry.

Steve’s addiction to pain pills makes it difficult for him to see

how he is hurting the family. He may not be aware of how his

actions are affecting the children. However, even if he is

aware, he can’t stop or change because of the addiction.

You can’t control the addict, and you can’t blame yourself

for his blindness toward the children.

Showing Steve the impact his addiction is having on the

children may not be enough for him to change his behavior.

His desire to overcome the addiction must come internally

for it to last and work.

Steve can get better, but it will take time and effort for him to

move past the addiction.

Q: I know my daughter is going to ask why we can’t take him

to a doctor. She always wants to take anyone who is sick to

the doctor. She can be very persistent.


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How do I explain to my daughter that Steve doesn’t want

to go to the doctor or get treatment? I’m worried that she

will make Steve angry with her ideas.

A: Children don’t like seeing their parents sick or hurt, so

Jessica is simply trying to help. In her own way, she thinks a

doctor can cure or save Steve. However, it’s important to talk

to your daughter and address this topic.

First, you may want to acknowledge her feelings and state

that you understand why she wants to help.

Next, you want to help her understand that Steve isn’t ready

to go to a doctor. Steve is an adult and can’t be forced to seek

treatment.

You also want to make sure that Jessica remembers it’s not

her fault that Steve is sick. She also needs to know that she

can’t fix his addiction. As you discuss his disease, you want to

avoid blame.

Q: I get it, but I’m still scared for Jessica and Jamie. I keep

thinking about the time that Steve took our son with him to

get more pills. I’m scared he’ll do it again, and they might get


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hurt in his care. However, I don’t want to give up on him and

leave him. He’s still a good father, but he makes mistakes.

How do I protect my children and save my marriage?

A: Your desire to protect the children and save your

marriage is normal. You don’t have to give up on Steve, but

you can take precautions to protect Jessica and Jamie.

First, you may want to discuss his pain pill addiction with his

doctor. You can attend one of his appointments and talk

about the issues you’re seeing. You mentioned that he’s also

getting pills from a friend. It’s important that his doctor is

aware of this.

Second, you may want to consider therapy as you deal with

Steve’s addiction. You may need individual and couples

therapy to help you handle the issues.

Steve’s doctor and a therapist can help you save your

marriage. In addition, you can take steps to keep your

children safe.

You may want to hire a reliable and mature babysitter to

watch the children while you’re at work. Even if Steve is at


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home, a babysitter can protect your children. Addicts often

take their children with them to pick up drugs because they

can’t leave them home alone. A babysitter can help

eliminate this challenge.

Choose the babysitter carefully. It’s important that they

understand the issues in your home and Steve’s behavior.

You can’t hide Steve’s addiction from a babysitter. You may

want to hire a close friend or family member who

understands your household. However, it’s important to be

aware that this will shift the family’s dynamic. Your family is

already changing because of Steve’s addiction, so this can

have another impact.

Q: I understand our family is changing because of Steve, but I

still wish I could stop it. How can I convince Steve to get

help? Every time I bring up this topic he gets angry, and we

fight.

A: It’s important to remember that you can’t blame yourself

for the addiction. In addition, you need to keep in mind that

you can’t change Steve. It may be tempting to wish that you


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could magically restore your family to the point before his

addiction. However, focusing on reality is more important.

You may want to do an intervention to help Steve. Before you

arrange one, you may want to consult with professional

therapists and doctors who treat addicts. Instead of pointing

out Steve’s faults and negative behavior, the intervention

focuses on his positive qualities.

The intervention is designed to remind Steve that people

still love him and want him to get better.

You want to have a professional therapist or doctor attend

the intervention, so they can talk to Steve. They may be able

to convince him to enter treatment and change his life.

However, you need to have realistic expectations and

understand Steve may reject this idea.

Another option is to have a former addict talk to Steve

and encourage him to get help.

Talking to a person who has been through the same issues

may help Steve realize he can change. You can find former


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addicts willing to talk to Steve at various clinics and

rehabilitation centers.

You can also help Steve sign up for local meetings

designed to help addicts in various stages of the disease.

Depending on the circumstances, you may want to attend the

meetings with him or have a friend go with him.

If these steps do not work at first, then consider waiting a bit

and trying them again.

Sometimes people need more space to process the ideas.

Steve may change his mind later about treatment options.


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Family Matters Dealing With an Addict In the Family

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