Disclosure of RelapseImpact for

Addicts and Partners

M. Deborah Corley, PhDSante Center for Healing

www.santecenter.com800-258-4250

Jennifer Schneider, MD, PhDTucson, AZ

www.jenniferschneider.com520-990-7886

Objectives• Examine impact of disclosure of relapse on

trust, communication, sexual relations, and relationship satisfaction for partners and addicts

• Discuss how partners viewed self as co-addicts or victims of relational trauma

• Utilize information contained in this research to better prepare couples for possible relapse and building stronger relationships

Disclosure & Relapse●Disclosure is recommended by both

addiction therapists and relationship therapists

●Disclosure for addict and partner is painful●Partners often experience PTSD symptoms

for lengthy periods of time after disclosure, this is increased when someone staggers the disclosure

●Relapse is common in addiction●Partners threaten to leave, but usually don’t●Partners and addicts can be both triggers

for each other and support to each other’s recovery

Disclosure & Relapse●Our original research - Addicts

●Most reported at least one relapse; (1/3 < 2 yr; 2-5 yr; 5+ yrs);

●91% reported high risk acting out (behavior put partner at risk)

●Disclosure represented hope and end to secret life, but also painful emotions and loss

●Best therapists’ advise – Be honest, be general (no gory details) & wait until partner is less angry

●Most helpful support – 12-step meetings, therapy, spirituality, sponsor

Disclosure & Relapse 2●Our original research - Partners

●Disclosure clarified that they were not crazy, gave them hope for the future, helped them focus on self-care

●33% had self doubt and hopelessness, others were angry & in pain

●Over half threatened to leave; less than ¼ left

●Most helpful advice – finally felt heard, not your fault, take care of yourself, addict should be honest with you

●Most helpful support – therapy, self-care, 12-step meetings, friends

Disclosure & Relapse 3●Our original research – Both

●Despite the pain, disclosure was the right thing to do

●Would recommend to other couples

New Research Questions●Did the addict tell before marriage?●Was outcome of original disclosure

positive or negative?●How many relapses?●Was there separation?●How many people stayed together?●To what level has addict been

honest?●Has disclosure/addiction had impact

on relationship satisfaction?●Why do these couples stay together?

Participants Addicts Partners

• 62 self-identified sex addicts (62/189-33%)

• Mean age 47.5 (SD=12)• 89.5% male• 86% heterosexual• 82% in committed

relationship• 68% college grad +• 72% survivor of past

abuse• Over half had co-

occurring DX, Depression

• 92 partners of sex addicts (92/126/73%)

• Mean age 44.4 (SD=12)• 95.6% female• 95.6% heterosexual• 82% in committed

relationship• 67% college grad +• 58% survivor of other

abuse

Initial Disclosure Addicts Partners

• Pre-marriage o 34.4% said nothing o 21.3% disclosed little

• After initial disclosureo 77% said partner asked for

more information (44% all)• 25% reported all• 40% reported small

amount or nothing

• 48% impact negative• 27% mixed (+/-)

o 29% moved out/other room

• 25% impact positive

• Pre-marriageo 44.4% addict said nothingo 24.4% disclosed little

• After initial disclosureo 90% asked addict for more

information (71% all)• 24% reported all• 40% reported small

amount or nothing

• 28% impact negative • 54% mixed (+/-)

o 57% moved out/other room

• 19% impact positive

RelapseAddicts Partners

• Internet big impacto 66% porn/other OSBo 28% arranged for 1:1

• Relapse commono 24% reported oneo 33% reported 2-5o 7% reported 6-10o 32% reported > 10

• 65% suspected relapse• Partners significantly more

likely to discover the relapse than to be told (r =.29, p =.009)

• 36% of partner said their definition of relapse differed from addict

• Internet big impacto 73.8% porn/other OSBo 26.2% arranged for 1:1

• Relapse commono 27% reported oneo 25% reported 2-5o 13% reported 6-10o 34% reported > 10

• 63% partner suspected• 69% addicts never or rarely

disclosed before discovery of the relapse; high relapse = less disclose

• 53% of addicts said their definition of relapse differed from partner

Impact on PartnerAddicts Partners

• Saw partner co-add/depo 40% yeso 36.8% noo 22.8% somewhat

• Survivor of relational traumao 66% yeso 19.4% noo 9.7% somewhat

• Co-addict/co-dependento 41.3% yeso 40.2% noo 18.5% somewhat

• Survivor of relational traumao 76.9% yeso 7.7% noo 15.4% somewhat

Impact Relationship Satisfaction

Addicts Partners• 68% in same relationship

o 46% for 15 + years

• Overall relationshipo 60% excellent or goodo 23% okayo 17% poor/very poor

Addicts rate relationship as better than partners (Ind. Smp t-test) t =3.75, p <.001

• Sexual relationshipo 43% got worseo 26% stayed sameo 26% improved

No significant difference between addict and partner

• 79% in same relationshipo 48% for 15 + years

• Overall relationshipo 33% excellent or goodo 28% okayo 39% poor/very poor

• Sexual relationshipo 54% got worse (23% no

sex)o 26% stayed sameo 20% improved

Impact Relationship Satisfaction

Addicts Partners• 26% damage = never

trust again• 56% talked more about

emotional issues• 57% felt partner helped

recovery (t = 3.42, p =.001)

• 38.5 damage = never trust again (t = 2.47, p = .015)

• 57% talked more about emotional issues

• 24% felt addict helped recovery

Relationship Satisfaction Matters ●For partners higher relationship

satisfaction was positively correlated to●Sexual Satisfaction (r = .49, p < .001) ●Discussing emotional issues (r = .37, p < .005) ●Level of trust (r = .55, p < .001)

●For addicts higher relationship satisfaction was positively correlated to:●Sexual Satisfaction (r = .66, p < .001) ●Discussing emotional issues (r = .57, p < .001) ●Level of trust (r = .50, p < .001) ●Viewing partner as helpful to recovery (r = .35, p

<.008)

# of Relapses & Discovery Matters

● For Partners, differences in what constitutes a relapse ● Relationship satisfaction (r = -.42, p =.001)● Sexual satisfaction (r = -.35, p = .001)● Discussion of emotional issues (r = -.20, p =.059) ● Level of trust (r = -.25, p = .016)

● For partners -- the greater number of relapse, the lower levels of satisfaction ● Relationship satisfaction (r = -.22, p = .05)● Sexual Satisfaction (r = -20, p = .08) ● Discussing emotional issues (r = -.26, p = .020) ● Level of trust (no significant relationship with # of relapses)

● Partner discovered before addict disclosure● Relationship satisfaction (r = -.27, p = .011)● Sexual satisfaction (no significant difference)● Discussion of emotional issues (r = -.20, p = .067)● Level of trust (r = -.23, p =.033)

Partner Reasons to Stay VS Leave● Reasons Got Back Together

Mate got help – 49%Commitment/love – 27%Children or finances – 10%Other – 14%

● Stay Despite RelapseValue of relationship to partner – 26%Children or finances – 23% Mate committed to recovery – 23%Faith/hope – 7%Other – 20%

● Reasons to Leave (some gave more than one answer)Relapse – 48% / Dishonesty – 29% / Stops Recovery Work – 26%Fear of Abuse – 6%Other – 19%

Addict Reasons to Leave● Reasons Partner Agreed to Stay

Mate continues to get help/ go to program/stay sober – 80%None/Don’t know – 14%Partner left – 6%

● Reasons to Leave (some gave more than one answer)Partner cheats on me – 11% Loss of hope, giving up – 11%Partner returns to unhealthy relationship behavior (abusive, shames me, belittles me, codependent, no forgiveness – 34% Nothing Could Make Me Leave – 34%Other – 10%

Conclusions - Lies Don’t Help●From the beginning most addicts lie (even to

us) and it hurts everyone ● Fear or trait or both

●Partners often lie to themselves, others as well● Fear, denial, trait, or all

●Addicts nor partners are very good at utilizing each other to support or improve own recovery program; for those that do, it helps● One third of addicts told partner nothing of their struggles

with their addiction● Almost one third of addicts did not know if their definition of

relapse was same as partners● Only a quarter of addicts had plan of what to do if relapsed,

but only one third of those followed that plan

Conclusions - 2●Disclosure trumps discovery

● Agree on what partner wants to know, process will follow

●Relapse happens, plan for it, follow the plan, re-evaluate, improve● Agree on definitions/levels of relapse/consequences● Framing polygraph as tool for sobriety, not failure of

probation

●Time in program; seeing positive progress helps

● Importance of couple commitment

Recommendations●Addicts need to work on 100% honesty●Addicts and partners need a plan for

dealing with lies and relapses●Disclosure process that honors

honesty but also has process for dealing with shame, anger, and fear.

●Couples will benefit from couple goal setting and working to making relationship stronger; cherish don’t trash

●Celebrate recovery and commitment

Future research●Pair addicts and partners in the data

set if can (more risk of emotional harm)

●Role of shame for both addicts and partners

●Responses of those who have had couples therapy compared to those with addiction therapy or nothing but meetings

●Utilize some attachment and satisfaction with relationship instruments to compare.

Q & A

Thanks●Joshua Hook, PhD & Sara Pollard, MA

from UNT for data analysis●David Delmonico, PhD for help

securing IRB from Duquesne University●Bill Herring and his group for input for

addict survey and thoughts about the results

●All of you who helped get addicts and partners to the survey.