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www.ForgiveToLive.net

I. Life Should Be Fair … (BUT It Is Not)! II. My Life Is (NOT) Your

Fault!

III. From Bitter to Better

V. The Birth of a Grievance Story

I. Life Should Be Fair … (BUT It Is Not)!

II. My Life Is (NOT) Your Fault!


IV. What You Tell Yourself Can Kill You

VI. Forgiveness Is a Choice

IV. What You Tell Yourself Can Kill You- Waiting in line to ride a

rollercoaster…-The closer you get the

more alert your body gets!- The body is tensed up,

the heart races, the veins of your neck almost burst.

- The anticipation of the event can be just as real to the body as the event itself.

- One’s perspective of reality - rather than reality itself determines how the body will react.

THE MIND / BODY CONNECTION- I am in the woods and I shout to

you: “A bear… there is a bear!”- Truth doesn’t matter to your

body, because your mind saw the bear already even though I was

just joking! Your mind signaled to the body how to react already!

- Heart attacks occur on one day of the week more than on any other – even at a particular time of that day…

MONDAY MORNING – because most people don’t enjoy their jobs and the thought or returning to work can stress a

weakened heart and contribute to a fatal hear attack.

EXPERIENCE THE PHENOMENON1. Squeeze your fist as hard as

you can for 5 seconds. BEGIN: 5…4…3…2…1… STOP

Have you notices what happened to your body during those 5 seconds?

- You clenched you jaw - You held your breath- You tightened the muscles of your arm

- You slowed your digestions- You released certain hormones into your blood stream

- You increased your heart rate and blood pressure- You altered your cholesterol levels

- You suppressed your immune system

EXPERIENCE THE PHENOMENONYour mind directed your body to

do so and that happened all below your level of awareness.

We will repeat the experiment, but when you squeeze your fist, laugh at the

same time.

BEGIN: 5…4…3…2…1…STOP- Did you noticed anything different

that happened to your body?

EXPERIENCE THE PHENOMENON- You didn’t squeeze as hard- Less tension in your body

- You breathed

- Your body released different hormones this time

- Your blood pressure and heart rate didn’t increase as much- Your immune system actually have benefited from the

exercise.- Even if you used the same muscles in both experiments,

you could not squeeze as hard while you were laughing.

EXPERIENCE THE PHENOMENONWHY these different

results?

BECAUSE … the brain’s message to the body was not clear!!!

- Your laugh confused your mind and it wasn’t sure to feel anger or happiness!

- Your mind couldn't send a clear message to your body!

ANGER KILLS What you think in your mind has

a profound impact on what happens to your body!

This is true especially when your thoughts focus on angry

or hostile feelings.

- Dr. Redford Williams (Duke University) demonstrated in one of his studies that anger kills

and a person’s anger can predict illness, particularly heart disease.

ANGER KILLS American Hearth

AssociationAnger = risk factor for heart

disease, alongside with cholesterol and nutrition.

Sustained anger? … Results:-headaches, stomach disorders, joint pain,

fatigue, chronic lower back pain.

ACUTE VERSUS CHRONIC STRESSORSAcute stress - when a threatening

event appears and then is quickly resolved!

Chronic stress – when the event remains constantly in your mind

and it does not go away!

Chronic stress will harm you – your body has no recovery phase which to rest and rebuild. In this way your body is

depleted of its reserves and postpones long-term rebuilding, which causes the premature deterioration of major organ

systems. Serious illness, even death may result.

THE PROBLEM OF REPRESSIONThe brain tends to repress certain

things – especially what is unpleasant to you.

Repression moves the idea or the emotion from your conscious to

your unconscious level of thinking.

Your past experiences may have shaped your habit of avoiding certain feeling by repressing them even before you

become aware of their presence (especially the negative feelings). Those negative feelings are the ones most likely to

damage your health.

THE PROBLEM OF REPRESSIONPeople who hold anger are the

most stressed individuals that the doctors see.

By drawing blood and reading its chemical composition, specialists

in the lab can literally measure your emotions.

Your anger releases a chemical messenger called CORTISOL. - The physical effects of your anger are very real!!!

- You suffer Physically- You suffer Emotinally

THE PROBLEM OF REPRESSIONEmotional suffering: living in a world

of resentment and bitterness…

Many times we tell ourselves that others forced us to live in that

world, but in reality we have chosen to inhabit that world of pain.

Because of our anger we suffer:- Physically

- Emotionally- Spiritually

THE PROBLEM OF REPRESSIONSpiritual suffering: no purpose in life…

having hard time investing in life.

Because life has been unfair to them, they fail to fully experience

the beauty and excitement and adventure and joy that life offers.

NOT the reality, but their perception of reality makes

them angry!

THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF YOUR MINDThink about that no-good snake in

the grass who did you harm!

Every time you see or you think about that person you

experience your anger anew.

- BUT… if you interpreted the situation differently, would you react in the same way?

- If you re-shape your memory of the event, your body will react in a complete different manner.

- For some people “the snake in the grass” is a friend. Different people have different perceptions of the same reality.

THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF YOUR MINDIt is not reality, but your perception

of reality that affects your body.

While you can not change the reality you can change your

perceptions!!

Carl Jung - (26 July 1875 – 6 June 1961) was a Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology. He is the first modern psychiatrist to view the human psyche as "by nature religious" and make it the focus of exploration.

“It all depends on how you look at things, and not how things are in themselves.”

THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF YOUR MINDWhen two people see a snake…- One may jump back and scream in

terror…- The other one may reach out in delight and pick up the creature.

- The same snake… different reactions! All depends on how the reality is interpreted by

those who see it! The snake does not mean the same to both of them…

THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF YOUR MIND

What do you see?- Your perspective really does

determine your reality and you really can use your mind to change your perspective!

By changing your perspective you keep your anger from destroying your life.

LET YOUR THOUGHS HEAL YOU RATHER THAN KILL YOU!

THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF YOUR MIND

The Power of Forgiveness

- Your perspective really does determine your reality and

you really can use your mind to change your perspective!

Forgiveness had the power to bring healing to the whole person: body, mind and spirit.

“A MERRY HEART DOES GOOD LIKE A MEDICINE!” - King Solomon

V. The Birth of a Grievance Story“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the

thing itself, but your estimate of it; and this you have the power to

revoke at any moment.”

Marcus Aurelius - 121 AD – 180 AD- Roman Emperor (161-180)

- Stoic Philosopher

V. The Birth of a Grievance StoryThe quality of your life is largely the result of

the stories you believe!

When a person offends you…- You start repeating yourself a

story that emphasizes the negative features of the event

– this is what is called a grievance story.

This story fuels your hostility toward the person who

offended you.

V. The Birth of a Grievance StoryThe reason you construct your story is to gain a

sense of meaning and control in your life.But… this process leads you down a

self-destructive path.- You repeat and listed to this story

over and over again until you convince yourself that life is

miserable and there is nothing you can do about it.

- You feel trapped- every time you recall the event you experience the

original anger all over again.

V. The Birth of a Grievance StoryThe reason you construct your story is to gain a

sense of meaning and control in your life.

If you want to ever escape the trap of victimization, YOU MUST TELL YOURSELF A DIFFERENT STORY.

Forgiveness allows you to reframe your story!

HOW YOUR STORY TAKES SHAPE?

HOW YOUR STORY TAKES SHAPE?1. You suffer some kind of wrong

– something happened to you that you don’t like!

- Maybe a comment- Perhaps a broken promise

- An unexpected loss

2. You attach a specific interpretation

to the event.

You feel hurt and begin to blame. The offense

becomes secondary to the meaning you assign to it.

HOW YOUR STORY TAKES SHAPE?3. You take the offense personally.

- That person hurt a vital aspect of your life. Grievance stories always involve things that you consider

very important. - You begin to exaggerate the personal

nature of the offense.HE TARGETED ME! HE PLANNED THE

ASSAULT!

4. You retell the story to yourself and others.You repeat the story again and again to all sorts of people.

You explained itDissect it

HOW YOUR STORY TAKES SHAPE?4. You retell the story to yourself

and others.

- You lay bare the evil motivations and wicked forces behind the hurt

you’re suffering. - You keep rehearsing the story until

the offender changes and makes things right or until the score gets

even. - The story stays with some folks en

entire lifetime.

THE PROBLEM WITH GRIEVANCE STORIESTime does not heal all wounds!- Each time you mentally rehearse

your grievance the story, you reopen the old wound.

- When you refuse to forgive you handcuff yourself to the person

who offended you. - While you wait for that person to

unlock the cuffs, you are holding the key in your own hands.

“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it!” Confucius

NURSING A GRUDGE TAKES ENERGYWhat grudges actually do to us:

1. Consume our lives – we spend more time focusing on our

grudge than we do on living productively.

2. Deplete our energy which could be used for more important activities. It is not the unfair

event that keeps us miserable, but our grudge.

3. Make us repeatedly feel the old pain. To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by a single bee.

NURSING A GRUDGE TAKES ENERGYWhat grudges actually do to us:

You hear many men and woman tell their grievance story with such energy, tears , and emotional favor that make you to say: “That’s terrible! When did it

happen?”“Oh, it did happen thirty years ago!”

A grievance story keeps you stuck in a dark and painful spot while the offender goes on with life.

THE ELEMENTS OF A GRIEVANCE STORYTwo significant ingredients

baked right into it:

1. I see my story as reality.- When we tell our stories, we

believe that we’re just telling the truth.

- We want other people to know the facts so they will understand

why we are the way we are.

2. Someone else controls my story. “He is the one exercising the most control over my life!”

THE ELEMENTS OF A GRIEVANCE STORY

Your grievance story:

... Blames the offender for your emotional needs, so you’re

requiring the other person to change before you can feel

better. … it hopelessly traps you.

As long as you keep telling yourself the sad tale of how someone messes up your life, that person remains in control and you remain stuck. CHANGE THE STORY!

IT IS BIBLICAL

2 Corinthians 10: 5“We capture every thought and

make it give up and obey Christ.” NCV

“…bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of

Christ.” NKJ

“…we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” NASV

THE ELEMENTS OF A GRIEVANCE STORY

PAST IS PAST

No matter what happened in the past…

YOU are responsible for the present!

YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!

MOVE TOWARD THE TRUTH

CHANGE THE STORYForgiveness does not ask you to

forget the truth, but to remember it more fully.

Forgiveness does its work best when the story you tell yourself grows

more accurate, not less.

1. Your story is not a tale of reality, but it is a warped version of reality. Your version is not the whole story. You remember only those things that fit the story you

created. You have selective memory.


PRESENTThe present is the ice that shows at

the surface, and stored memories comprise the huge, icy

mass just under the surface. Your brain processes what you

see in relationship to everything below surface.

You relate to people in the present through the eyes of your past experiences. You use the past events to interpret

current circumstances. But this creates a problem because you see each new experience as a repetition of

some past experiences.

MOVE TOWARD THE TRUTHThe Nature of Memory

- We select the information that reinforces our beliefs while

ignoring other evidence.- We, in effect, choose our

memories.

The difference in perspective various individuals have on the same event.

- Victims exaggerate the severity of the event, downplay their responsibility and see the offense as damaging

their future.

The Magnitude Gap:


The offenders, however, minimize the same event,

increase the other’s responsibility and see the offense as primarily over

and in the past. Most victims also believe that they are owed more

than the offender is willing to pay. When you are hurt the focus is on everything is negative about

the incident.

The Magnitude Gap:


The guy in front: “This dummy behind me

wasn’t watching where he was going and

slammed into the back of me.”

To that, the guy in the back responds: “I was driving behind this individual who didn’t where he was

going. Suddenly he slammed on his brakes for no good reason. Still, I barely touched him.”

Ilustration:


1. It is not the tale of reality.2. Supports evil motives that

you can’t verify. You can observe an act, but you can never know for sure

the real motive behind it.

You can hardly identify your own motives, how can you pretend to get in someone else’s head and determine his or her motives?

Your grievance story:


1. Our own negative behavior to external causes: “The devil

made me do it!”2. Others people negative behavior to internal causes:

“That person just likes to hurt people!” BUT you don’t know what prompted the

hurtful act, so stop pretending you do!

We tend to attribute…

Change Your Perspective

“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but

do not forget.”The goal of forgiveness is to remember in a different way!

Forgiveness challenges you change the way you think and to minimize the distortions

that warp your view of reality.

Thomas Szasz - Psychiatrist


What you have been telling your self is not only

inaccurate, but it is causing you to act and think in ways

that sabotage your own growth and well-being.

In order for forgiveness to be most effective, it must revise and correct the inaccurate story

you have been telling yourself.


Truth and reality are the only effective cures for healing the distortions of your grievance

story.Forgiveness helps you to accept

that truth and reality.

1. Evaluate the incident more carefully. How important is this one event in the big picture of

all that's going on in your life and in the world?


1. Evaluate the incident more carefully.

How important is this one event in the big picture of all that's

going on in your life and in the world?

2. Act – don’t react. “Actors” can enjoy life because they make it what they want it to be, but reactors

must take life as it comes to them.


Forgiveness had more to do with recognizing the other

person's needs and shortcomings than your own personal injuries.

The other person’s inappropriate behavior is a survival mechanism that kicks in when that

person’s needs are not met. Their behavior is their issue, not yours!

VI. Forgiveness Is a Choice“The Only Freedom that

cannot be taken away is the freedom of

choice.” Victor Frankl

Simon Wiesenthal – prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp

One day a dying German solder asked for a Jew – any Jew to be summon by his bedside. The solder asked

Simon if he would forgive him for what he did.

VI. Forgiveness Is a Choice- Whether out of surprise, revulsion, fear, bitterness, or

something else entirely, Wiesenthal remained silent. The

conscience-stricken German solder died without receiving

the forgiveness he sought. - Should he have forgiven the murderous

soldier? (The Nazis had murdered 89 members of

Wiesenthal’s family, including his wife’s relatives).

VI. Forgiveness Is a Choice- The book publishers asked

53 prominent individuals – theologians, jurists,

psychiatrist, Holocaust survivors, escapees of genocides in Bosnia,

personalities like Dalai Lame, talk-show personality Dennis

Prager: “What would you have done if you would be in

Wiesenthal place?”

- Some said yes to forgiveness, some said no.

VI. Forgiveness Is a Choice“It’s choice – not chance – that

determines your destiny.”Jean Nidtech

“Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious,

than to be able to decide.”Napoleon Bonaparte

The Power of Choice confronts you every time you are

wronged. Will you chose to BLAME? Or will you chose to

FORGIVE?

Psychology teaches us that basic human behavior is largely determined by a

variety of stimuli that trigger our response.

VI. Forgiveness Is a ChoiceSTIMULUS RESPONSE

You act ------- I reactYour grievance storyMy life is your fault

BUT… we can REFLECT on our available choices and

determine how we will respond!

We reflect – draw upon our values, morals, and core values (right and true?).

The choices we make today will determine who

we are tomorrow.

VI. Forgiveness Is a ChoiceSTIMULUS

REFLECTION

RESPONSE

Our choices are shaped not by the event, but by the interpretation we give to the event.

The Elements of Choice1. Intentionality about a

desired result. - We select one course of

action over another because we believe that choice will benefit us more than the other available options.

2. Belief that the goal is attainable

- We choose courses of action that we believe really have a

chance of accomplishing

The Elements of Choice3. Actions that make your

intentions reality- Choices are more than mere

wishes. A choice implies the determination to act.

4. The desire to minimize internal conflict with core

values and competing desires- We make choices that are

consistent with our most deeply held beliefs and

strongest values

Which Road Looks Better1. Is the hurtful experience worth sacrificing my peace of

mind?

2. How much space in my mind am I willing to set aside for

this person I don’t even like?

3. Am I sufficiently focused on my life goals so as not to

allow this event to distract me from what is truly

important to me?

Ask yourself three critical

questions:

Which Road Looks BetterWhat is more important

for you?- TO GET EVEN?

- TO LET GO AND MOVE ON?- TO EXAMINE THE HURT?

- TO SEEK HEALING?- TO CHANGE THE PAST?

- TO IMPROVE YOUR FUTURE?

Critical decision to make: When is the right time

to forgive?

Forgive When You Are ReadyNo one can tell you when to

forgive. You alone make the decision to forgive.

Forgiveness is a choice; it is YOUR choice! Forgiveness

can not happen automatically or when

someone insists that you should forgive.

You can only forgive if you want to, when you want to.

And you will forgive when you realize the price you pay for not

forgiving. You can not forgive unless

you choose to.

KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPENPlan forgiveness on list of

options. If you don’t recognize forgiveness as an

option, you will never choose to forgive.

In the end you will make good and bad choice throughout

your life; everyone does. But when you make a bad choice you can go back and review

it.

If you want to live with freedom and joy, at some point you must choose

to forgive.

CHOOSE A BETTER WAYVICTIMS have no choices. They

simply end up allowing others to determine their

circumstances.

VICTIMS blame other people around them for who they have become and complain about their miserable life,

and then they fail to recognize that in fact they have the ability to chose a

different life for themselves.

VICTIMS are stuck in the past. A VICTOR

learns from the past and then moves toward a desired

future.

CHOOSE A BETTER WAYTO FORGIVE

TO LIVE…………………………………

NOT TO FORGIVE

DEATH

To forgive or not to forgive; that is the question.

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