Write it Tight,Write it Right

Adapted in part from a session presented by Kenn Finkel, formerly of the Miami Herald, at the 1991 APSE National Meeting in San Antonio

Six Ways to Improve Your PublicationKarl Grubaugh

Granite Bay (Calif.) High

How long have you been an editor?

What is your biggest writing pet peeve?

1. Remove the Clutter

The Problem: The worst writing out there – the language of corporate speak, government reports and PR releases – is slipping into newspapers. It’s our job to remove it, to give EVERY WORD a purpose.

Rule of thumb: One idea per sentenceThis is a GUIDELINE, not a hard-and-fast rule. For example: The American flag is red. It is also white. It is also blue. This follows the One Idea rule, but it’s also really stupid.But, using common sense as a guide, sentences should generally contain one idea.

An example of clutter:“But it took a four-yard scoring strike from Sipe to tight end Oscar Roan with 1:11 left in the second period to match an 11-yard scoring spurt by Cincinnati rookie fullback Pete Johnson midway through the first period, which completed a 75-yard march in six plays, aided by three offside calls against the Browns.”

Cutting it out …Are all these words necessary? Can the story be

told as well, or better, without some of them?1. the Hurricanes own a 5-2 advantage in their

series with TCU.2. and he put the blame squarely on Carter’s

shoulders.3. over a period of years.4. registered his objections5. The Middies have a 4-3 record so far this

season.6. in the vicinity of7. got on the scoreboard8. Did not pay attention to

2. RedundancyRedundancy is simply another form of clutter. So, cut it out!

Examples• Future draft choices (aren’t they all in the future?)• A trade in exchange for someone (a trade IS an exchange)• A trade for a player to be named later (When else?)• He expressed a desire to be traded to another team. (not his

own?)• A three-goal hat trick.• A perfect 300 game; A perfect 10 • Going back home• Totally exhausted and completely destroyed• Old adage

More redundancyAwkward predicament, broad daylight,

chief protagonist, died suddenly, exact counterpart, future prospect, gainfully employed, have got, invited guest, just recently, lonely isolation, may possibly, necessary requisite, old veterans, passing phase, quite empty, root cause, smile on his face, temporary reprieve, uncommonly strange, violent explosion, watchful eye.

And yet still more:Ejected from the game, the official

weigh-in, head-to-head competition between two persons, a little town of 1,200, set a new record, join together, matinee performance, flatly refused, favored to win, quarterback sacks, the game’s outcome

3. Misused Words and Concepts

• SYNONYM MADNESS: Synonyms for the sake of synonyms – for example, SAID (a perfectly lovely word)

• TELEGRAPHING QUOTES: He’s as surprised as anyone that sales are so brisk. “It really surprises me that sales are so brisk,” he said.

• INAPPROPRIATE DEPENDENT CLAUSES: “The San Francisco 49ers signed quarterback Trent Dilfer to a three-year deal Friday. The 34-year-old Dilfer …” Either make Dilfer’s age part of a separate declarative sentence, or do it this way: Dilfer, 34, …

T*A*N SyndromeUsing “the,” followed by an adjective, followed by the last name of a previously named person (labeled the T*A*N syndrome by Kenn Finkel) is common … and unfortunate. Here’s an extreme example, courtesy of Finkel:Larry Mattel extended his win skein yesterday by toppling State’s Ed Gilbert 6-4, 6-2 to lead the City College netmen to a 5-4 victory over a surprisingly strong foe. The gangling junior put his big serve to use in keeping the Panther captain off balance. The Clarksville native was in top form as he racked up the first four games, breaking the six-foot, three-inch left-hander’s serve twice. Then the all-conference Wildcat right-hander faltered briefly, and the personable redhead from downstate rallied to cop three tests. But the swashbuckling local ace was not to be denied, and his opponent’s attempt to knot the first stanza at 4-4 failed when he was passed by a cross-court volley on the sixth deuce point.

Other misusesJust a few of my own Pet Peeves:•Sense verbs (think, feel, hope believe): We only know what someone SAYS he thinks, feels, hopes and believes•Prior to•Allegedly•Anxious/eager•Literally•Host as a verb; win as a noun; parent as a verb•Which vs. that (restrictive vs. non-restrictive clauses)

4. Don’t overuse adjectives and adverbs

•Stories should be written with nouns and verbs. The function of adjectives and adverbs should be to modify and qualify. Use them to change the meaning of a noun or verb.•Adjectives are the crutch of the insecure writer•A good story needs very few

Adjective examples:WRONG: A radio blared loudly.

BETTER: A radio blared.

WRONG: A man clenched his teeth tightly … grinned widely … moped dejectedly.

AVOID little qualifiers like too, very, quite, rather, sort-of, a little, pretty much

Some other things to avoid

•SUPERFLUOUS INTRODUCTORY ADVERBS: Here are three – ironically, coincidentally, simply (a careful sentence will show irony, coincidence or simplicity, and the adverb becomes unnecessary)•HYPERBOLE: “Chris Webber exploded in the third quarter for 18 points” … “The New York Mets erupted for eight runs …”•BUZZWORDS: ageless Arnold Palmer, colorful John Daly, flamboyant Reggie Jackson

5. Grammar•Be a grammarian.

•Have a supply of desk references – dictionaries, grammar guides, etc. – available

•Check the AP Stylebook

A few basics …•Subject/verb agreement

•Antecedent errors

•Subject/verb (vs. verb/subject)

•Active vs. passive voice

•Adverbs and hypens (“ly” words)

•And many more!

6. Structure and Flow•Read for STORY, not just for grammar, spelling, adjectives, adverbs, clutter, redundancy, etc.•Sometimes, you just need to move a few words around: “A Geneva man, apparently frustrated over a compensation claim, surrendered to authorities at federal offices in New York yesterday after threatening to kill himself for more than 2 ½ hours with a flare launcher.•Sometimes, you need to change the emphasis of a sentence:

• “Donald T. Regan, the secretary of the treasury, told Congress yesterday that it was not probable that President Reagan would be able to keep his pledge to balance the federal budget in 1984.”

• “President Reagan probably won’t keep his pledge to balance the budget in 1984, Treasury Secretary Donald T. Regan told Congress yesterday.”

The Last Word•Sometimes, it’s appropriate to let a source have the last word. Often, a good quote is a far better way to end a story than an attempt at humor or a “bow-wrapping” summary statement by a reporter. The strong quote offers a far more lasting impression.

Thanks!•Karl Grubaugh

•Granitebayhigh.org

•Kgrubaugh@rjuhsd.us