Adapted from “When Someone You Love isDying” by Rabbi Amy Eilberg and used withpermission from Jewish Lights Publishing

wrongs, to shed old masks and movebeyond the old rules that limited ourrelationship in the past. These are wordsof love for which some people wait alifetime.

If the person lives longer than expected,there will be more time to say, “I love you,”with less unfinished business in the way.Once death has come, knowing that “I saideverything I needed to say,” can bring real

comfort to the bereaved.There is a Time to Let GoJewish tradition speaks eloquently aboutdeath being a part of life, a part of thedivine plan: (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2): “Foreverything there is a season and a time forevery matter under heaven: a time to beborn, and a time to die….” It can beexcruciating to decide when that time hascome, yet it helps somehow to rememberthat all of us will die someday.

Sometimes a dying person needs to hearloved ones say, “It is okay to let go whenyou are ready,” or “I’ll miss you terribly,but I’ll be okay.” When it is clear that thetime has come, words such as these can bean extraordinary gift of love.

Death Can Teach Us about LifeDeath teaches us about the preciousnessof life and the value of each moment.Death teaches us about appreciating everyday wonders and blessings. Death helps ussee ourselves as part of the whole circle oflife and gives us a glimpse of the mysteryand beauty of living and dying.

Dying can also teach us about trust andabout the courage to grieve and then goon. Death can teach us that change andgrowth are always possible, even at life’send. In the presence of death we findourselves reaffirming what is mostimportant in our lives, and this, too, bringsus a measure of comfort and blessing. Letus find strength and courage in the time ofour grief and may God restore us to life’sgoodness in peace.

Contact InformationRabbi Geoffrey Haber, DirectorDepartment of Spiritual Care

ghaber@baycrest.org

3560 Bathurst Street Toronto, Ontario, M6A 2E1416-785-2500 x3743

WhenSomeoneYou Loveis Dying

Baycrest is fully affiliatedwith the University of Toronto

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All Things PassAs much as we may fear death and fight it,the time will come when we will join thosewho have gone before. All things pass; allthat lives must die. All that we prize is butlent to us and the time comes when wemust surrender it. The truth is that we areall travellers on the same path that leadsto the same end. And we, like them, willknow what to do just as they did and wewill take our place with them in the streamof life and death.

Be Gentle with YourselfAs we care for our loved ones, we willquite possibly find that we are pushingourselves beyond normal human limits,both physically and emotionally. We mayforget that we are engaged in the mostdifficult work possible.

We must try to remember to be gentlewith ourselves. We need to take breaks—meaningful breaks that can bring us rest,refreshment and distraction. We need helpbecause no one in the world can do thisalone. We need other loved ones who canlisten and support us because we may cry

and rage. Our presence with our loved onecan make a profound difference in his/herexperience of the end of life. But we musttake care of ourselves, too, in order tooffer the best of ourselves to our lovedone.

Let Yourself Feel all the FeelingsAlong with the physical work, we mayexperience many different emotions. Wemay feel love and sadness, anger withdoctors, caregivers and family membersand with the dying person as well. We mayfeel helpless, guilty or resentful. We maycycle through many contradictory feelingsin a single hour. All this is part of whatcomes with caring for someone who isdying.

But try to let ourselves simply be. Fightingwith our own feelings will only exhaust usfurther. Try to accept all our feelings asthey are and as an inevitable part of theprocess of loving and letting go. It may behelpful to find someone who can listenwithout judgment or advice.

Death is Rarely BeautifulWatching a loved one die is nearly alwaysheartbreaking. While hospice care cangenerally keep a dying person’s physical

pain to a minimum, there is still fear, grief,indignity and, at times, suffering. Yet, it isnot unusual to encounter moments ofbeauty and richness in the midst of thedying process, interspersed with longhours of managing pain, feeling powerlessor working desperately to relieve sufferingin our loved ones and in ourselves.

If we can be open to the moments ofblessing in the midst of pain and sadness—feelings of deep love, the mending of arelationship, sharing treasured memories—it may also allow us to witness momentsof exquisite gratitude for life’s blessings.These small blessings are the nourishmentthat can help us go on. We can be ready toappreciate moments of love and holiness ifthey unfold from time to time, but weshould not expect them at every moment.

Say Good-Bye As Well As YouCanSome people fear saying good-bye willhasten the moment of death, but this isalmost never the case. On the contrary:words of loving farewell almost alwaysenrich the dying process. Now is the timeto express love, to apologize for past

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