Whats Left of Me Final

8/20/2019 Whats Left of Me Final

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What’s

Left of MeA Former Addict’s PilgrimageTo Forgiveness In His Final Days


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What’s Left of MeA Former Addict’s Pilgrimage

To Forgiveness In His Final Days

A photodiary


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This book is dedicated

to my family, my pillar

of strength through my

troubled days.


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4 What’s Left of Me

Mahmood Salleh53 years old


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I was given this opportunity to meet Mr Mahmood Salle

a gentle and soft-spoken man, Mr Mahmood seemed a f

from his wild and carefree persona of his younger years.

Throughout my conversations with him, Mr Mahmo

never failed to smile even though he was in pain. He nev

complained and he never asked for sympathy. A frail Mr

Mahmood sat beside me to share with me his invaluable

journey as a filial son, a caring brother and an ardent ad

against drug use and abuse.


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Mahmood Salleh was born on 11 October

1959. A fourth child of the Salleh family,

Mahmood grew up as a quiet and

withdrawn teenager. Eager to have a taste

of independence and freedom even before

earning his graduate certificate, Mahmood

soon got embroiled in an intoxicating world

of drug use and abuse. Despite several brushes

with the law, Mahmood developed a reliance

on heroin, ecstasy and ganja until cancer

gripped him.

This is Mahmood’s story of the struggles

and triumphs that he faced in overcoming his

addiction to drugs and in finding light from

within his darkened days.

Mahmood


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INTRODUCTION

I was a very wild child, mixing with the wrong company. I wanted to

try everything and live a life of independence and freedom.

I grew up in Redhill Close, a place commonly known to be filled

with youngsters with easy access to drugs. I was one of them. I started

out when I was 14 years of age and still a schoolboy. I didn’t care about

money as my life was centred on drugs, freedom and how to have more

fun. I started to smoke ganja (marijuana), followed by heroin, thenchandu and the ‘blue pill’. I even abused Subutex.

I eventually lost interest in my studies and dropped out of school.

Initially, I received the drugs from friends. When I had pocket money,

I would buy them on my own. Back then, drugs were as cheap as $2,

a price many drug users could easily afford. The drugs I bought were

mainly for my own use but I also sold drugs to make a quick buck

every now and then.My carefree days of careless independence peaked when I turned

21. I earned my motorbike license and travelled anywhere I wanted to

even if I was ‘high’ on drugs.

Death was never a concern for me.

I N H IS OWN W ORDS


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MY PLAYGROUND

It has been 34 years since I last came here.

We lived here, the 12 of us, crammed into this one rented unit at

Redhill Close. The unit comprised a kitchen and a hall shaped like the

letter ‘L’. This corridor is where I slept. Rain or shine, I slept here along

with my other siblings on straw mats.

At that age, I didn’t fear for my health. I even abused drugs right

here at home. I was hardly at home, too, since I was out and about

searching for drugs at nearby places, including Clementi and Telok

Blangah. It was so easy to get your hands on drugs because you would

have already known which of your friends were using (or abusing)

them, and they would be able to tell you where to get the drugs you

wanted.

I was so busy selling the drugs to friends that never once did I fear

getting caught.

GROWING UP

Here I was at Redhill Close spending my secondary school days withfriends I called my ‘brothers’, many of whom were drug addicts, too.

There were more than 13 of us hanging around in this area abusing

drugs together. By Secondary 2, I left school because drugs made up a

huge chunk of my life.

I still remember my first puff.

I was in Secondary 1 at Bukit Merah Secondary School and it

happened during recess time. A friend of mine offered me a cigarettestick. I took my first puff and before I knew it, I was hooked. The first-

hand experience of smoking drugs was in 1975 when I tried out ganja

rolled in newspaper. I was ‘high’ for about 30 minutes and it felt good.

From then on, I was hooked on drugs.

It was a point of no return for me then.


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Days of innocence Mahmood always loved rock

music. The self-taught guitaristoften jammed with his band

after school. He also loved football before drugs took

control of his life.


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HOOKED

I didn’t exactly fulfil my responsibility towards my family. Even though

they warned me against it, I was adamant about sticking to the lifestyle

that I had chosen for myself, however destructive it was. We were

close but we were also given a fair share of independence to live as we

wished.

My family eventually found out about my drug-ridden lifestyle. My

parents begged me to stop abusing drugs but I refused to listen. I knew

their hearts were crushed but even that didn’t deter me from my errant

ways. As my parents, they tried their best to help me. For one, they

even sent me to a cleansing and detox programme which did not work.

I was beyond help.

Taking drugs was now a vicious habit I could not kick, a dangerous

quagmire I had readily jumped into but could no longer extract myself

from. I didn’t want to get away from the drugs because I was drawn to

the idea of getting ‘high’ and wasted. Never did it occur to me to stop

abusing myself and, in the process, to stop hurting my family, too. I

wasn’t afraid of anything, and was not even concerned about my health

or my parents’ feelings.All the time when I abused drugs, it was with my friends. It’s never

fun to do it alone because there’s no pleasure, no thrill. Consuming the

drugs with friends meant sharing information about stronger drugs

that you might want to try next time. During that time, we shared a

lot about what drugs we wanted to experiment with and where to get

them.

I remember the first time I got caught by the police. I was alone,making my way to meet a friend. I was ‘high’ on drugs and was walking

haphazardly. The police crept up behind me and arrested me on the

spot. I was so scared I cried and didn’t even try to run.

At that time, I was only 16.

My only memory of this place [Redhill], growing up and abusing

drugs here, was almost guaranteed to destroy my future, and it surely

did.


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REGRETI was in and out of prison a total of nine times.

Each time when I was released from prison, I did

try to kick the habit but simply couldn’t do so. Drugs

are really dangerous and you shouldn’t think of trying

them even once. You won’t let it go. No matter where,

when or how, you will eventually find it if you think

about it.Each time you’ve been released from prison, that

chance at freedom is so precious to you that you’d

perversely ‘cherish’ it by sourcing for drugs. Family is

always second priority because getting your hands on

drugs is your first. There will be friends who will ‘push’

the drugs to you. In my case, I eventually succumbed

to their influence and, before long, I was back in prison

again.

“Had drugs not beenmy greatest weakness,things would be different

today…” Mahmood taking time to

reflect. “Drugs ran throughmy blood… I wished it

wasn’t so.” Redhill Market& Food Centre was one of

the places where Mahmoodwould visit often to get

drugs from people he called

his “ friends”.


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I regretted my foolish decisions because they have caused my family

so much pain and wrecked my health and life.

I am the dreadful outcome of years of dallying with drugs.

I want to make the best of the time I have now to highlight to

youngsters not to even touch drugs. No matter which drugs you try,

you will get hooked. You will look for it even if you try not to take it

anymore. I don’t know why it is so addictive but it is. You will never

forget it. You will find your way to it no matter how broke you are.

I first tried ganja then heroin, followed by chandu, the ‘blue pill’,

and Subutex. You would want to try all sorts of drugs thereafter

because you’re looking for the extra ‘kick’ after your first drug.

You would want to experience how different another drug is from the

previous one you’ve tried. When you finally want to stop and kick the

habit, your body and mind are set against that will.

Withdrawing from it sucks the life out of you. Your body constantly

feels chilly and hot, time and again. Nothing feels right and you feel

uneasy all the time. You cannot and will not do anything when you’re

suffering from these withdrawal symptoms. You will have no energy or

interest to do anything. Your mind constantly craves for drugs.Peer pressure also plays a big part in that friends will recommend

you to try drug after drug. When you are in prison, your friends will

also be caught and, one by one, you will see them suffer like you do.

You’ll feel the ‘handcuffs’ around your hands all the time, and your

friends who abuse drugs and the pressure that they exert on you

will always exist even when you leave prison. The longest I’ve been

in prison is three years, from 2009 till today. I am supposed to be inprison now but they’ve granted me permission for early release since

3 August 2012 because of my condition.

I know I don’t have much time left.

With the time that I have on hand now, I wish to spend my time

with my family and to pray to God. I pray for His guidance and

to prolong my life because I am afraid to leave this world. There is

nothing much that I can ask for now.

My time is between Him and me.


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MOM

I miss her.

I wish she was still around. One of my biggest regrets is

not being able to be by my mother’s side when she was sick

with stomach cancer. From the time she was diagnosed with

cancer to the time of her death, it was about four to five

months. Because I spent so much time in prison, I hardly

spent any quality time with her. Sometimes, I got to see her

in the afternoons but I would have to report back to prison

by the end of the day. When she passed on, I was not even

by her side. I wished for many things but not spending more

time with my Mom is one of my biggest regrets.

She was my rock.

Growing up during my teenage years, she relied on me

to repair things around the house. I was her ‘handyman’

and whatever she wanted me to repair, I did because I didn’t

want to sadden her further, given my wayward behaviour at

that time. I was particularly close to her and I felt she took

extra care of me – even my siblings could see that. To her, Iwas her favourite. We bonded particularly after two of my

“Mom… my strengthand my rock…”

“I love Mom more than lifeitself. Time spent with her

was just never enough.I hope she knows thatI love her.”


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marriages failed and I stayed over at her place. I wanted to

move out but she didn’t allow me to.

It was comforting to know that Mom was always

around. There are a lot of things I wish I told her before

she passed on but I didn’t have the courage to do so. I

was so ashamed of my wrongdoings that I couldn’t bring

myself to say it to her in person.

I miss her terribly. If I could, I want so much to dream

of her.

FORGIVENESS

I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to forgive myself for my

wrongdoings. I think it’s because of the shame. I don’t even

know how to.

Performing my daily prayers, I think I’ve forgiven

myself a little. I feel I’m lifted from my burdens each time

Say a little prayer Mahmood (left) dedicating

a prayer to his late mother

whom he visits almost everyweekend.Father and son sharing a

laugh (below)“The relationship between

Dad and me was never per fect but his unfailing

support towards me,through thick and thin,humbles me till today.”


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I pray. I can’t expect anyone to forgive me, especially my Mom, but I

feel that she has forgiven me and this touches me, especially when I

think of her. After all that I’ve done, she never judged me and always

accepted me sincerely.

For that, I hold her dearly in my heart. I am always indebted to her

and I wish to repay her kindness some day when I meet her again.

With the time that I have now, I want to take care of my father as

much as possible. My dad is 76 years old and he is ailing. He has several

health complications including diabetes, heart disease and a skin

condition. I don’t know how much time I’m left with; I don’t know

how much time he is left with. I just want to be there for him for as

long as I possibly can.

I can’t turn back the hands of time and I wish I had stayed longer

with him when I was younger which is why I’m spending as much time

as I can with him now. I have committed a lot of sins towards him and

am very remorseful. I hope he has forgiven me for my flaws and my

wrongdoings. I don’t want to fail him as his son. I want to be here to

help him around the house.

I hope it is not too late to ask for his forgiveness.Today, I’m still living in shame but I do very much want to take him

by his hand, to look him in the eye and ask him for his forgiveness.

COPING WITH CANCER

I was diagnosed with lung cancer when I left prison in 2011.

I first experienced chest pains and thought they were the result ofa muscle tear. I went for a check-up and was prescribed painkillers but

the pain never went away. I went to a nearby polyclinic and the doctors

examined my chest. They referred me to the National University

Hospital because they suspected it was cancer.

I was supposed to follow up with an appointment but I didn’t

bother to because, at that time, I was so immersed in my drug activities

that I didn’t really care. Besides, I didn’t have the money for a follow-

up either. When I was serving time in prison again, I told the officers


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that I suspected I might have lung cancer. The doctors

followed up with an X-Ray and they referred me to Changi

General Hospital.

It was confirmed – I was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung

Cancer with brain metastasis.

The hospital immediately treated me with

chemotherapy and radiotherapy and told me I didn’t have

much time left. “You just get ready” – these were the words

I remember so clearly. I was told I had no more than three

months to live.

I wasn’t overly sad when I was first diagnosed with

cancer because I thought I might recover. I’ve heard

miracle stories of people getting better from cancer so I

didn’t bother about the disease. But as the ‘deadline’ drew

closer, my life began to feel like a race. I would spend nights

with my heart and mind racing with anxiety. My time is

nearing the end, so to speak, and I’m really afraid to leave

everyone and everything behind in this world.

Temporary relief Morphine pills, carefullyrationed by Ms Junaidah, Mahmood’s eldest sister,

who keeps a vigilant watchover her brother and his

medication schedule.


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My parents weren’t the first to know about my diagnosis.

I didn’t break the news to them because I didn’t want to burden

them further with my problems. Initially, I did not intend to tell my

family because I felt I’d caused them so much sorrow already. I didn’t

want to inflict more pain and hurt upon my family.

I was released earlier from prison but I couldn’t care about where I

was going to stay. The prison’s social workers kept asking me who they

could contact to notify of my condition and to help look after me. I

told them not to call my family and that I could stay anywhere. I didn’t

care about who would take care of me. All I knew was I didn’t want to

burden anyone with my problems. I thought I would be a liability to

others so I wanted to take care of myself.

I had planned to rent a place or to stay at a halfway house but

the prison wouldn’t release me given the circumstances. “You need

someone to look after you,” they said. I finally gave in and they

eventually informed my sister of my condition.


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Junaidah Salleh43 years old

Mahmood’s Sister and Caregiver


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PhiliP Yeo


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The eldest of the Salleh’s family, Junaidah Salleh is like

the ‘glue’ that gels the whole family together. She is a lady

who epitomises positive spirit and courage, particularly, in

how she copes with the challenges of caring for Mahmood

and brings the family together in times of happiness and

hardship. On several occasions where she stopped speaking

to Mahmood as a result of his drug-ridden lifestyle,

Junaidah took Mahmood into the comfort of her home after

realising that he simply had nowhere to go after his release

from prison.

I have been looking after my brother, Mahmood, since

June 2012 when he was released from prison. I still

remember when the prison officers called to inform me

about my Mahmood.

I N H ER OWN W ORDS

“Whatever it is, we

are a family and heis my brother, I can

never change that.”


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On that fateful day, I was in school as a parent volunteer for my daughter’s

school activity. It was very noisy but I remember the conversation I had

with one of the prison officers:

Prison Officer Are you Junaidah?

Junaidah: Yes.

Prison Officer I’m calling from Changi Prison...

Junaidah: Not again...

Prison Officer How are you related to Mahmood?

Junaidah I’m his sister. Anything I can help you with?

Prison Officer May I know, why isn’t anyone visiting your brother?

Junaidah We are all very busy. We all have our own family tolook after. My father is old and we’ve been taking care

of him too.

Prison Officer What about yourself?

Junaidah: I am also very busy; I have two kids to take care of.I can’t afford to visit him these few times.

Prison Officer But you must come.

Junaidah Why must I come?

Prison Officer Our records show that you are the only one he haslisted as family. Do you know that your brother is sick?

Junaidah Not that I’m aware of.

Prison Officer Your brother has been diagnosed withLung Cancer Stage IV.


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At that point, I was shaking, overwhelmed with fear and panic. The

sadness that I felt crushed me completely. It didn’t register in my mind.

I totally ‘blanked out’. I didn’t know what to say.

The prison officer then gave me a number to call to arrange for a

visit to the prison.

I arrived at the prison with my younger sister, Yati. We could hardly

speak with Mahmood because we were so choked up with tears.

The sight of him made it exceptionally difficult to say anything

because he looked like a mess. He was a picture of a man without a

soul, just skin and bones. So pale, weak and haggard – Mahmood did

not look like my brother. The visit was short, lasting just 20 minutes.

But it felt long because Yati and I were bawling throughout that visit.

I told the prison officers to have Mahmood stay with my family. He

is, after all, my brother and I wanted to take care of him.

GROWING UP

We have always been close since we were young but, sometimes,

Mahmood would disappear into his room or the neighbourhood insearch of drugs. We’ve always included him in our family activities like

birthday and Hari Raya celebrations but he would appear only for a

short while before withdrawing into his own world.

Back then, I was too young to comprehend or question Mahmood’s

lifestyle with drugs but quarrels between my siblings and him over

his frequent brushes with the law were common. No matter how he

was scolded, reprimanded and physically hit, Mahmood would alwaysfind his way back to drugs, even after he was released from prison. We

wanted him to stop so badly, we tried many ways to talk him out of

taking drugs.


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You are getting older yet constantly getting in and out of prison

– how do you see your future, Mahmood?

There were several times when my siblings and I had to lie to him,

insisting that we don’t have money. We simply did not want to

‘support’ his self-destructive behaviour anymore.

Why must we help to destroy you further?

That’s when Mahmood and I would start quarrelling a lot. Once, my

father had to ‘trap’ him in between two pieces of furniture and even

beat him. But he was so ‘stoned’ at that time it was pointless to expect

him to tell right from wrong.

Mahmood did try to stay away from drugs. On one occasion, he

asked for both his hands to be tied behind his back so he couldn’t even

try to smoke. Somehow, he managed to untie and free himself from the

dead knot.

It was a constant struggle to put up with him whenever he relapsed

and started abusing drugs again with his friends. We – my parents,

siblings and I – knew when Mahmood would relapse. His friends

would knock on our home door, only to disappear the moment weopened it. And they would call our house phone, only to hang up

when Mahmood was not the one who answered the call. This was the

recurring pattern we all knew so well. We didn’t expect Mahmood to

kick his old habit successfully. True enough, he would be caught again

for another drug offence.

I remember accompanying my parents to Changi Prison to pay

him a visit. It was always scorching hot and the journey was a long anddreary one. I could not understand why we had to make such a tedious

journey only to see and talk to my brother for less than half-an-hour. I

felt it was completely absurd to put our parents through all that trouble

because of his mistakes. So, once my parents were too weak and sick to

visit him in prison, I told them to stay home and rest while I took over

their ‘duty’ of visiting Mahmood.


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I guess we felt Mahmood had let us down time and again. There

was a time when he started to contribute financially to the family and

looked after us when he was released from prison. This continued for

a year and we grew closer as a family. But, before long, he committed

another drug offence. It had always been a ‘rollercoaster’ ride with

Mahmood, as trust was shaky and needed to be established.

But he is, after all, still my brother.

I never gave up on him. I love him despite his shortcomings

because we are a family. I made a promise to take care of him, and will

do so even in his final days. To me, it’s also an opportunity for us to

reconcile with each other after all those lost years. So you can imagine I

was more than ready and happy to receive him into my home.

HOMECOMING

Before I knew it, Mahmood had appeared at my door. He was granted

early release and so decided to make it to my home alone in a white

T-shirt, blue shorts with no slippers on his feet. It was a moment of

shock, relief and amusement all at once. It was a moment I will always

remember.

My brother has finally come home

It’s easy taking care of Mahmood. He’s very independent and he

doesn’t ask for much. I always ask him if there’s anything he wants to

eat but he’s just too shy to tell me.

I’m seeing a different Mahmood today. He cares, prays and repents

now. I believe he is making the changes for his own good. I am proudof him for doing that. He knows he doesn’t have much time and I see

him making amends day by day.

Slowly but surely, he will be forgiven by God. For now, I will be by

his side to guide and to support him.

A blessed day “Nothing can replace the feeling

of contentment and love that your family of fers you.”

Mahmood seen here feast ing andmaking merry with his siblings

during Hari Raya Haji in 2012.


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HOME IS WHERETHE CARE ISA Nurse’s Touch Of Love – By Ms Junaidah

My family and I travelled this unforgettable journey with Nurse Amy from

HCA Hospice Care. I can never put into writing or sum up in any number

of words just how thankful I am for all of Amy’s love, care and dedication

towards Mahmood.

I first knew Nurse Amy when she was nursing my ailing mother in

2011. My Mom was dying of stomach cancer and she had only four to five

months to live. Because it was my first time taking care of a sick family

member, there were times when I completely panicked because I simply

did not know what to do.

For instance, I remember my mother shaking in cold sweat in the

middle of the night and wailing in pain for hours. I would call Nurse Amy

even if it was past midnight. She would stay with me on the line for up to

an hour or so, patiently guiding me, step by step, to relieve the pain my

mother was experiencing. Soon enough, my mother would drift back to

sleep. This happened on several occasions.Whenever I called Nurse Amy for help in the day or night, she would

always be there to guide me through any difficult situation. Not only is

Nurse Amy reliable, she is also a competent nurse. She is truly devoted to

her patients and their families.


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A DYING MAN’S FINAL WORDS … AND WISH

– By Mr Mahmood

Nurse Amy took care of my mother last year.

Today, she is nursing me.

Without her, things would have been tougher than

they already are. I feel that her care is complete. From

palliative care to counselling, to the countless house

visits, I feel that Nurse Amy is an outstanding nurse to her

patients. I’m not sure if she realises how much it means

to me when she asks if I have taken my breakfast or if my

chest still hurts. I feel truly indebted to the compassion she

has shown towards all in my family, and towards me.

I don’t see her as a nurse, but a close friend of the family now. I feel that

she’s part of my family and I can’t thank her enough. She’s one of my pillars of

strength and support throughout my final journey. Responsible and caring, youcan always count on Nurse Amy for help – she will be there for you.

I’m going to miss Nurse Amy when I’m gone but while I’m still here today,

our friendship is something I will hold on to for as long as I can. My heartfelt

thanks go to Nurse Amy and HCA Hospice Care.

For now, I pray for more time to repay the kindness of my father, my siblings

and all who have been here with me and who have sacrificed their time to

support me during my final days.Today, I am glad I still have this precious opportunity to speak against a

lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, smoking and delinquency.

Take a look at me and listen to my story – don’t repeat my mistakes and make

it your story.

I hope my voice will reach families who will help their daughters and sons

stay away from drugs so their future stays bright and full of life.


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OUR JOURNEY WITH MAHMOOD – By Nurse Amy

I consider it a blessing to have had the opportunity to make this extraordinary journey w

Mahmood and my team at HCA Hospice Care. My experience of supporting Mahmood

reaffirms the beauty of palliative care, that when unconditional love is put into our work,reap more than we actually sow.

In addition to the clinical care rendered to Mahmood by myself as his primary nurse,

several care providers, including his doctors, medical social worker and counsellor-in-ch

helped Mahmood to come to terms with his past and present self.

Together, we managed to achieve closure in Mahmood’s heart by showing him a tend

touch of therapeutic love that brought forth much needed reconciliation, forgiveness an

meaning to him during his final days.

Indeed, Mahmood has taught my team and I much about the art of holistic healing i

palliative care which also embraces psychological, psychosocial and spiritual support.

I am honoured to have been part of the team that helped to restore dignity and respe

dying man who has had to struggle with years of shame, self-blame and regret.

While our journey with Mahmood and his family has been physically, mentally and

emotionally trying, we consider it a privilege to have met and cared for someone as speci

courageous as Mahmood.

Perhaps, unknown to Mahmood, I believe he has touched our lives more than we hav

touched his.

A JOURNEY TO REMEMBER

– By Nurse Amy

Together with my team at HCA Hospice Care, I consider it a blessing to have had

the opportunity to embark on this extraordinary journey with Mahmood and hisfamily. Our experience of supporting Mahmood reaffirms the beauty of palliativecare, that when unconditional love is put into our work, we reap more than weactually sow.

In addition to the clinical care rendered to Mahmood by myself as his primarynurse, several care providers, including his doctors, medical social worker andcounsellor-in-charge, helped Mahmood to come to terms with his past, presentand future.

Together, we managed to achieve some closure in Mahmood’s heart byshowing him a tender touch of therapeutic love that brought forth much neededreconciliation, forgiveness and meaning to him during his final days.

Indeed, Mahmood has taught my team and me much about the art of holistichealing in palliative care which also embraces psychological, psychosocial andspiritual support.

According to him, the unconditional love and peace that spirituality providesalso gave him the strength and meaning that he needed to complete his final

journey.

While our journey with Mahmood and his family has been physically,mentally and emotionally trying, we consider it a privilege to have met and caredfor someone as special and courageous as Mahmood.

I am truly honoured to have been part of the team that helped to restoredignity and respect to a man who has had to struggle with years of self-blame andregret.

Perhaps, unknown to Mahmood, he has touched our lives more than we havetouched his.


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Aisha majored in public relations and journalism and graduated from theUniversity of Newcastle with a Bachelor of Communications.

A research analyst by profession, Aisha first developed her passionfor writing when she was a freelance reporter for South West CDCand Parkway Cancer Centre in 2010. She enjoyed meeting people anddocumenting their struggles and triumphs as they go about manoeuvringlife’s ups and downs.

“Not everything should be valued in dollars and cents,” she says. “People you meet and the joy and love that they bring into your life – even for

a short while – is simply worthwhile,” adds Aisha who believes there isalways something to learn from each person she meets and writes about.

Personal Reflections

I am thankful for the opportunity to meet Mr Mahmood Salleh. Such agentle and soft-spoken man, Mr Mahmood seemed a far cry from his wildand carefree persona of his younger years.

Throughout my conversation with Mr Mahmood, he never failed tosmile even while he was in pain. He never complained and he neversolicited sympathy from anyone. A frail Mr Mahmood sat beside me toshare his invaluable life journey as a filial son, a caring brother and anardent advocate against drug use and abuse.

For me, writing about Mr Mahmood meant rediscovering life and whatit means to love and to be loved.

MS NURAISHA NASSIR TENG (‘AISHA’)


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Ray started his career as a professional photographer as a pressphotographer with Singapore Press Holdings. Eager to hone his self-taught photography skills, Ray pursued a Bachelor of Arts in Photographywith RMIT University, Melbourne, Australia. In his graduating year, hewas awarded the Australia Commercial and Media Photographer of theYear (2005).

With fifteen years of newsroom experience, Ray started his owncompany offering professional photography service in documentary,corporate, editorial, commercial, events, sports, architectural, portraiture

and wedding photography.A firm believer in sharing his knowledge and experience, Ray alsolectures at the Singapore Polytechnic.

Personal Reflections

After my first meeting with Mr Mahmood, I returned home and sharedwith my wife what a good person I thought this man was. Although ‘good’may not be a word one would immediately or instinctively associate with aformer drug abuser, Mr Mahmood did not come across as one who woulddo any harm to another either.

When we are young, we may be impressionable and easily influenced,and may not always be fully aware of the implications and consequencesof our actions. As such, well-meaning advice from our loved ones may fallon deaf ears. This was, unfortunately, the case for Mr Mahmood – drugabuse had not only landed him in jail; it also robbed him of his life andprecious time away from his love ones.

I applaud Mr Mahmood’s courage to share his story. Hopefully, his story

will help raise awareness of the vicious and spiralling effects of drug abuseand also remind us to cherish our loved ones at all times, as they may bethe only ones to tide us through tough times.

MR RAY CHUA


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ABOUT HCA HOSPICE CARE

HCA Hospice Care is Singapore’s largest home hospice provider which

offers free, 24-hour holistic home hospice service and a day hospice

programme for mobile patients who do not require round-the-clock

nursing care. Its multidisciplinary teams comprising doctors, nurses,

social workers and counsellors manage pain and other symptoms with

specialised care, and also provide psychosocial support to patients and

their families. Caregiver training workshops and medical equipment

loan are also available to those who require these services.

Edited and designed by


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*All information is accurate at the time of publication and is subject to change without prior notice.


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Whats Left of Me Final

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