Well, That Can't Be Right?!#2

Some sketches:“YOU KNOW”

“THE COMPLIMENT”“DRIVERS, MAN”"BEST MEDICINE"

"I KNOW A GUY WHO..."

Written by

Paul Fisher

“YOU KNOW”

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A MAN and WOMAN kiss in bed for a few beats.

WOMANUh oh.

The MAN turns on the light. They stop fooling around.

MANWhat?

WOMANI think... I think I found a-

MAN Found a what?

WOMANA lump.

MANA lump?

WOMANA lump.

MANWhere’s a lump? I haven’t noticed any lumps.

WOMANOn your... you know.

MANMy what?

WOMANYou know... Your-

MANOh no, my-?

WOMANYeah...

He opens his mouth to speak.

WOMAN (CONT’D)Your arm.

She points to the tiniest little red dot on his arm and...

MANMy arm?

WOMANWe should get that looked-

MANMy arm?

WOMANYeah. And we should go to the D-

MANThat’s not “you know.”

WOMANWhat?

MANThat’s not “you know.” You know?

WOMAN“You know?” “You know “is-

MAN No, “you know” is definitely the-

WOMAN“You know” can mean anything.

MAN“You know” is strictly: “You know.”

WOMANYou know... I’m going downstairs.

She leaves with the blanket but stops in the doorway.

WOMAN (CONT’D)I’m making an appointment.

He’s resigned.

WOMAN (CONT’D)What time should I make it for?

He thinks for a second. And with a shrug...

MANEh. You know.

2.

“THE COMPLIMENT”

INT. BEDROOM - EVENING

A BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND embrace near a desk. They kiss and stare intently into each other's eyes, both spellbound. It is magic. They slowly dance in a circle, silence notwithstanding - love if we've ever seen it.

BOYFRIENDI love you.

GIRLFRIENDI love you too.

They kiss again.

BOYFRIENDI really love you. More than anything.

GIRLFRIENDAww.

BOYFRIENDYou are everything to me.

Another kiss. She smiles.

GIRLFRIENDWhat’s gotten into you today? You’re so romantic.

They stop rotating and look at each other with sublime happiness.

BOYFRIENDNothing. I just realize each and every day how much you mean to me.

GIRLFRIENDReally? That’s so sweet.

BOYFRIENDI mean it. You... you just get me on every level.

GIRLFRIENDI feel the same way.

3.

BOYFRIENDI’ve always felt like this. You just get me. Even times when I thought we might fight or things might get uneasy. There you were. You’re a secret spy, just knowing and anticipating me at every turn.

The mood stiffens a bit.

GIRLFRIENDWhat did you say?

BOYFRIENDWhat?

GIRLFRIENDWhat did you just say?

BOYFRIENDWhat, that you just know me at every turn?

She moves away.

GIRLFRIENDBefore that.

BOYFRIEND(laughing)

That you’re a secret spy?

Quick-twitch like, she reaches, grabbing a letter opener and plunges it deep into his neck. He GURGLES, bleeding, slowly grasping the letter opener.

GIRLFRIENDDon’t pull that out.

BOYFRIENDWhat? Why...?

GIRLFRIENDWho told you?

BOYFRIENDTold me what?

She grabs his face and brings him closer.

GIRLFRIENDWho told you?

4.

BOYFRIENDWhat? What?!

She throws him to the ground. He GURGLES some more his eyes belying this might be it. A fatal wound. She stands over him, her boot in position to finish the job.

GIRLFRIENDOne last chance to tell me who told you I was a spy.

BOYFRIENDWait... What?

GIRLFRIENDWho told you I am a spy?

BOYFRIENDNo one.

GIRLFRIENDWhat?

BOYFRIENDIt was just a compliment - I guess a bad one? - Like, you know everything about me - like a spy would.

(quickly)Or something!

Fear creases Girlfriend’s face. What hath she wrought?

GIRLFRIENDOh...

She ponders this.

BOYFRIENDBut, wait... You’re a real spy?

A pregnant pause.

GIRLFRIENDYes.

BOYFRIENDCool!

He dies.

5.

“DRIVERS, MAN”

EXT. OPEN PRAIRIE - DAY

ZEKE rides in on horseback. Another rider - WALTER - rides in the distance, but Zeke makes ground on him.

ZEKEMan, that guy’s goin’ slow. Hope he picks it up.

He makes up more ground on him, coming within shouting distance. Zeke cranes his neck and tries to look “over” Walter.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Come on. There’s no one in front of you. Step on it old man.

They ride a bit more. Beats go by and Zeke grows noticeably more exasperated as Walter rides along.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Shit, man! Ride your damn horse; it’s not that hard.

And on they ride... Zeke still making up some ground until they are riding at the same pace within feet of one another. Now Zeke is rather angry and taps his horse twice, with the horse making corresponding HONKS.

Of course, just like in most driving-while-cursing tirades, our horsemen speak to themselves, never quite actually shouting directly at one another.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Come on, move your ass!

(beat)What’s it going to take. Can’t he see me?

Walter, sensing something, holds up a makeshift “rearview mirror.”

WALTERWhat’s this guy’s problem?

ZEKESee! He see’s me. He knows. He’s fucking doing it on purpose. Man!

6.

WALTERShare the road buddy. This is a no-passing zone.

ZEKEThis is ridiculous.

He “lays on the horn,” which means he makes his horse groan some type of terrible, prolonged noise.

WALTERMan! What a dick.

He pulls the reigns on his horse, purposefully and what he thinks is stealthily, slowing him down.

ZEKEAre you kidding me! I’m going to kill this guy!

WALTERI’m going to murder this guy if he doesn’t back off in a second.

They ride like this for a moment. The beats pile up while Zeke seethes.

ZEKEI can’t take this anymore.

He looks over his shoulder, you know, like to pass.

ZEKE (CONT’D)I hope there’s no one around - don’t need a ticket or nothin’.

He looks over his shoulder again. And just as he’s veering his horse to the left, to make a proper pass, another horse with two riders - JED and LARA - pulls along the left rear of Zeke’s horse.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Oh, look at this clown! I can’t believe it.

He looks over his left shoulder a few times.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Come on.

Jed turns back to Lara.

JEDHow you doin’ back there, babe?

7.

LARAI’m good. How are you?

JEDWonderful.

He gives her a kiss.

ZEKEHe’s not even paying attention to the road! Come on!

Zeke slows down and comes even with Jed and Lara

ZEKE (CONT’D)Hey!

The two just ride and don’t pay attention.

ZEKE (CONT’D)Hey!

JEDDon’t look at him honey. He’s just a jerk.

ZEKEHey! I’m trying to pass.

Jed just stares him down.

ZEKE (CONT’D)I’m trying to pass here!

Jed flips him off. But instead of burning rubber afterward, he just keeps his horse at the same pace. Zeke is fuming.

ZEKE (CONT’D)You know what? I don’t care.

Without looking, he jerks his horse to the right.

WALTERHey, that’s the shoulder!

But before Zeke can stop, he’s pulled hard onto the right, attempting to pass Walter, when what should happen? Oops, He cut off and wrecked a cop car! The SIREN goes off, and a pissed off TROOPER gets out. Who knew?

8.

“BEST MEDICINE”

EXT. HOUSE OF MOURNING - EVENING

MATTHEW THE TIMID COMIC stands outside a house. Through the window we can see PEOPLE milling about. Matthew looks a bit nervous. His eyes are closed.

MATTHEWLaughter’s the best medicine. Laughter’s the best medicine. Laughter’s the b-

The door opens.

AUNT LINDAMatthew, what are you doing outside? Is the door locked?

MATTHEWOh... Hi. Ha ha. Hi Aunt Linda. Hi.

AUNT LINDAHi. Come in. How are you?

INT. HOUSE OF MOURNING - CONTINUOUS

MATHHEWI’m OK.

(forgetting where he is)How are you?

The mourners still mill. Someone off-camera WEEPS.

AUNT LINDAWell, my husband died...

MATTHEWYeah. Oh... Yeah. I’m so sorry.

He leans in to hug her but just gets her arm, and decides to hug that. She pats him on the head.

AUNT LINDACome into the main room. There’s some family you haven’t seen for a long time.

9.

INT. LIVING ROOM OF HOUSE OF MOURNING - A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Matthew looks at all the people looking at him. He flop sweats. AUNT PEARL approaches.

AUNT PEARLHi Matthew, I’m your Aunt Pearl. Do you remember me?

MATTHEW(no)

Yes. Obviously.

AUNT LINDAYour mother told me you were doing stand up comedy. Tell me a joke. I could use it.

Finally! The moment Matthew had been waiting for. Laughter is the best medicine.

MATTHEWHa ha. Well. Uhh. There was one I was working on.

Old Aunt Pearl looks on in delight.

AUNT LINDAMorty. Come over here. It’s Matthew, the comedian!

MORTY motions “one moment.”

MATTHEWSo...

(quietly)Girls and me are like oil and water...

He looks to her for approval. She nods brightly.

AUNT LINDAOh, I can’t wait...

MATTHEWSo we’re like oil and water... Except. Except... I never get to be on the top or the bottom.

She frowns.

AUNT LINDAI don’t get it. Is that sexual? Like sex humor?

10.

MATTHEWI guess... I guess there’s some sex in it?

Morty comes over and slaps Matthew’s back.

MORTYSo, sonny, you telling jokes?

AUNT PEARL(disgusted)

Yeah, and they’re all about sex!

MORTYOh?

Aunt Pearl walks away.

MORTY (CONT’D)What’s her problem?

Matthew shrugs.

MORTY (CONT’D)So what do you got for me kid? I could use a chuckle.

MATTHEWUh... I have a problem with the, uh, death penalty-

MORTYOh, don’t tell me you’re one of those goddamned hippies. The death penalty is a fine institution.

MATTHEWIt’s part of the joke...

MORTYOh, sorry. Go on.

MATTHEWYeah... So, I have no problem. Oh, yeah, it’s no problem. So, I have no problem with the death penalty-

MORTYMe neither. I like it.

MATTHEWExcept if it’s first thing in the morning. That’s a pretty rude... uh, way to be woken up. Right?

11.

Morty just looks at him.

MATTHEW (CONT’D)I, I thought I had a better punchline than that. Sorry.

Morty still does no more than look at him.

MATTHEW (CONT’D)(vamping)

Hey, so aren’t keys crazy?

MORTYKeys?

MATTHEWYeah, man. Like, keys? Aren’t they, like, crazy?

MORTYWhat the fuck are you talking about, kid?

MATTHEW... It’s a joke.

Morty regards him skeptically and slowly slinks away, never taking his eye off him. Now Matthew stands alone.

RACHEL, a third cousin, walks by.

MATTHEW (CONT’D)Hey, d’you hear about that exclusionary alphabet group?

She keeps walking.

MATTHEW (CONT’D)The Not-Z party? Ha ha.

She doesn’t stop.

INT. LIVING ROOM OF HOUSE OF MOURNING - LATER

He walks over to a young female cousin, DARLENE.

MATTHEWHey, Darlene.

Darlene looks up at him, but even she knows he’s wasting her time.

12.

DARLENE(sighing)

Hi, Matthew.

MATTHEWImagine not knowing what “what” means? Like, how would you even ask, you know? Ha ha!

She SIGHS again and turns.

DARLENEMom.

Finally, Matthew makes his way over to the closed casket where his Aunt Linda is. They look at each other poignantly. She TAPS the casket twice, marking her affection and lamentation. Matthew smirks, looks to her...

MATTHEWWho’s there?

He smiles. She CRIES. He frowns.

13.

“I KNOW A GUY WHO...”

ROBERT, JIM, BARRY, and DOUG - strangers - sip their drinks.

DOUGJim... Jim, right? What do you do?

JIMI work for NASA.

BARRYReally? Making rockets and stuff?

JIM Exactly. I’m an engineer.

ROBERTWow. That’s crazy. Outer space.

DOUGI tell you guys about my guy who fixes the statue of liberty?

BARRYWow. No kidding?

DOUGYep. Whenever the Statue of Liberty has a problem. She calls my buddy.

ROBERTThat’s something. I’ll tell ya. I know this guy who, uh, he lit the entire city of Boulder, Colorado. Just lit the entire thing. By himself. The lights there? All his.

JIMThat’s a big-time guy ya got there.

ROBERTI appreciate you saying that about my guy.

JIMOf course. Gotta give it up for the guys.

(beat)I know a guy, from high school, who actually discovered these Spanish Shipwrecks off the coast of, uh, I can’t recall the country.

14.

DOUGGuatemala?

JIMNah. Anyway, he it was the largest sunken treasure collection in mankind’s history - all these doubloons and whatnot - and is worth something I think like eight hundred billion dollars today.

BARRYCan’t be right, eight hundred billion.

JIMNo, that’s correct. Look it up.

BARRYI just might. Well, I know this guy who was my dad’s friend, he was the second cousin of the King of France. Got to go to the Castle all the time. Whenever he wanted.

DOUGThere is no King of France.

BARRYWhat? Since when?

JIM A long time, man.

BARRYWell, he’s the second cousin of the King of something. It’s true. I do know that guy.

DOUGOf course.

They all sit awkwardly for a few beats.

DOUG (CONT’D)I know this guy who once sacrificed his life for all of humanity’s sins, and all he asks for in return is your eternal love.

They other three inch back their chairs slowly, stand, then sprint the hell out of there as fast they can.

15.