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Speakers’ Notes

Session 4 – Managing Other Relationships

Speaker’s preparation checklist:

DVD for 2 minute introduction Copies of recommended books to show the group Enough copies of the ‘Parenting Together’ letter to go round. You will find this handout in

Appendix 3 in the leader’s guide Ensure you have one male and one female volunteer ready to read out children’s quotes Please make sure you have run through the personal story with the person giving this

before the session begins

Note to leaders: parts of the script that appear in boxes can be replaced with the live speaker’s personal story/words on the relevant point being made. Alternatively, the speaker may choose to use the text in the box in order to illustrate their point. If the speaker chooses additional personal stories, then the timings for the other sections should be reduced to ensure that the whole evening does not over-run. Make sure that there is enough time in the groups.

7.30pm – Welcome and notices by course leader (3 minutes)

Welcome to Session 4 of the course. Tonight we are going to be talking about managing other relationships.

Before we begin, let me remind you about the supper party that will be held at the end of the course on [insert date]. This is a great opportunity for anyone who may be interested in attending the course to come and learn a bit about it in a very relaxed environment, without any teaching or group sessions. The party allows us to spend an enjoyable evening together with our guests and fellow course members.

Please take some invitations when you leave this evening and pass them on to anyone you’d like to invite. For catering purposes it would be very helpful to have an idea of how many people are coming, so please let us know if you are able to attend and whether you are planning to bring any guests. Your cost is already covered but if you are bringing a guest please pay [£x] for each guest.

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Last session we looked at letting go and moving on, particularly the topic of forgiveness. let’s spend some time in our small groups discussing these now.

7.33 pm – Exercise (in small groups) (12 minutes)

What did you find useful or helpful from the last session? Has anyone been trying it out?

7.45 pm – Talk: Friends, parents and siblings, in-laws (10 minutes)

The breakdown of our marriage not only affects the relationship with our ex, it also affects our other relationships – relationships with our friends, our parents, our work colleagues and our children if we have them. We’re going to look at these four areas now.

1. Friendships

Firstly, let’s look at our friendships.

Every friendship will be affected by the breakdown. Some may become closer, some may become awkward for a time, and others will disappear completely. This change in our friendships can be very painful and frustrating, however it is very normal.

I remember losing a number of very close friendships, particularly two married couples, which was very difficult and frustrating. Luckily around the same time I got back in touch with some old friends who I had not seen for a while, and they became a great encouragement to me.

You will hopefully find that some people become your close ‘trusted friends’. These are the people who will make more time for us and are people that we feel we can confide in. These trusted friends should be people whose judgment you respect and who will not be afraid to tell you if you step out of line. They are important people to nurture and encourage you because, having this close support through your journey of divorce and separation, is vital. Try and make sure that you have at least one trusted friend.

It is perfectly possible to continue to have mutual friends with your ex, but it’s important to have clear boundaries. You may need to review the access your ex or your ex’s friends have to your Facebook site. It’s a good idea to refrain from asking friends about your ex, as the information that comes from this is usually unhelpful and also puts your friends in an extremely difficult position. It’s hard for us to get used to this but what your ex does now is more likely than not nothing to do with you; so it might be worth telling your friends in advance not to give you updates.

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As your friends change so your social life will also change. You may find that your single status suddenly puts a limitation on your social life. You may not be invited to parties with couples any more, or your friends may try and set you up with someone else. This changing social life is difficult to come to terms with, but remember, this is all because your life situation is changing: it’s got nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Ultimately some friends may cause us deep hurt, either by siding with our ex or by dropping both of you as friends. We may have to accept this situation and forgive them.

Recognise that you can’t change the behaviour of others, but you can change your reaction. You are free to say ‘no’ to invitations you’re not comfortable with. It may be worth practising the line, ‘Thank you so much for thinking of me but I’m afraid I won’t be able to come.’ No complex excuses are needed! On the other hand, if you feel ready for it, you are free to ask friends to invite you to parties.

If you find you’re on your own more than you’d like, don’t waste energy blaming your old friends. If you’d like to see someone and you feel up to it, then give them a ring – it’s important to stay in touch with people – meaningful friendships are often a vital lifeline at this time.

It may also be a moment when you start thinking about what you want to do. How do you want to change your social life? One woman found Saturdays very hard as they suddenly seemed so long and empty. She joined a walking club and went hiking with a large group of people all day. They didn’t get back till seven pm and by the time she’d eaten and had a bath it was pretty much time for bed. It was a great way to meet new people and build confidence.

Another woman on the course would arrange for a babysitter for her three children and then go out dancing with a friend. They did this regularly and found that dancing late into the night was uplifting as well as exhausting.

This could be a good time to take up a new hobby or exercise – you may not feel like it at first but you’re bound to enjoy it once you start. Take time to think of what you would enjoy doing and then just go for it. Try and join clubs in a social environment rather than just doing it by yourself: so, if you like running, run with some friends; if it’s drawing; join an art club; or if it’s cooking, then cook for a school or charitable event. These new activities can help to build our self-confidence.

2. Working lives

Our working lives may alter temporarily. One friend used to stare at her computer screen for hours on end, going over and over her problems, completely unable to do anything constructive. If you feel your work performance is affected it might be a good idea to tell your manager so that they understand what you are going through. Most people are hugely supportive and helpful.

© Restored Lives Charity 2013

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Relationship breakdown can bring chaos into many areas of our lives, so it can be a relief to keep our place of work free from the stress as far as we can. You might find it helpful to ban calls from your ex at work.

I know someone whose ex rang her at work to tell her that he was getting married to the woman he’d left her for two months before. You definitely do not need that kind of thing at the office!

3. Parents and siblings The breakdown of our marriage will alter the relationship with our immediate family.. It is worth recognising that our parents and siblings could be feeling anything from shock to guilt, anxiety to anger.

It will help if our parents and siblings resist the urge to become overly hostile towards our ex. Their anger may make us more bitter and make the challenge of forgiveness even harder. It will also be harmful to our children. It’s a difficult balance to achieve but we may need to ask our parents to limit what they say to us about their emotional response to our ex and we may also need to limit what we say to them.

We might find ourselves seeking a lot of help from our parents, but we should guard against becoming overly dependent on them once the immediate crisis has passed.

4. In-laws

If you don’t have children, it may well be appropriate just to let the relationships with our ex’s family fizzle out. If, however, you do have children, your in-laws are your children’s relatives, and unless the relationship is dangerously destructive, it should be maintained. It may be helpful to talk only to them about your children and not your ex.

One woman who helped on this course said, ‘I never spoke to my in-laws about my ex (their son) – I only talked about our children. After seven years of hard battling, my mother-in-law now rings me and invites my children to see her on a more regular basis. You have to choose to keep strife out of your relationship with your in-laws and not talking to them about my ex really helped.’

It may seem hard at the beginning, but if you have children, aim to keep the relationship open with your in-laws. Once the initial stress of breakdown is behind us, our children will reap the rewards of a good relationship with their grandparents on both sides.

7.55 pm – Exercise (in small groups) (15 minutes)

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How has your separation or divorce affected your relationships, and how are you managing them?

8.10 pm – Talk: Children – the parent’s perspective (10 minutes)

We are going to spend the rest of this evening looking at the ways in which divorce affects our children and how we can best manage as parents. I am aware that this part of the talk will not be directly relevant to some of you, as your children may have grown up and moved on, or you may not have children at all. I hope you will bear with us as this is a desperately important issue to many people.

One of the hardest things about divorce is the possibility that we will be separated from our children. We may no longer live with them permanently, or we may be separated from them for shorter periods while they are with their other parent. Whatever the situation, it is bound to be hard.

This is what one dad wrote, ‘The breakup of our marriage and all the aspirations I held for our future life together was like a bereavement. So was the realisation that I was never going to live in the same house as my children again. I had to give myself time, space and permission to cry. I wept from my gut for about twenty minutes every day for six months. Thereafter it reduced, but it continued for about eighteen months in total. I found that letting out the pain made me feel better and I am sure it helped the healing process.’

It hurts when we are separated from our children. It is important to acknowledge that and to grieve the loss of what could have been. Make sure that you have an outlet for these feelings such as writing them in a journal or speaking to someone who is willing to take time to listen.

In a moment we are going to look at parenting from the perspective of someone who is fully involved with their children on a day to day basis. Before we do, though, I would like to say a few words to those who, for whatever reason, are unable to see their children regularly.

In the UK, children have a legal right to have a relationship with both parents, and that involves releasing our children to be with the other parent. If one parent is seeking to obstruct the children’s time with the other, it can be deeply painful. Here are some suggestions on how to manage the situation, but as I offer them we recognise the depth of pain that being cut off brings.

1. Do all that you can to get contact arrangements that are best for the children. It may be necessary to use neutral outsiders or mediators in order to help with any difficult conversations to achieve this.

2. Try to live close to where your children live so that easier, flexible arrangements can be agreed.

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3. Even if you are not seeing your children regularly, there are ways to stay in touch. Depending on their age, you may like to write them a weekly letter, send an email, regular texts, facebook or Skype messages. If it does not cause stress, then a regular chat on the phone is important, ensuring that the privacy of the other parent is respected and that they do not feel bombarded by you

4. In these emails/letters/phone calls, make sure you remember the important events in your child’s life – which lessons they enjoy, which days of the week are worst, exams, trips away, special days at school, etc. Show them that you are involved in their lives, even if you are not there

5. Pray for them. Those of you who are Christians may want to pray for your children. Your children need your prayers just as much as they would if they were with you all the time

6. Try to remember that however much pain and stress the other parent is causing you, your children are 50% mum and 50% dad. They will still love both and any bad words said against their parents will affect them directly.

One of the best ways to love our children is to respect your ex as a parent. This is hugely difficult following a divorce, particularly if he or she is the person who is causing you so much pain. However, we must always strive to speak kindly and respectfully of the other parent. Even if you do not feel very loving, guard what you say and how you behave. Our children need the emotional freedom and protection to be able to have a relationship with both their parents

Over the years, we have had several dads on the course who are in the desperate situation of having little or no contact with their children. If you would like to talk to someone who will understand, please let us know and we can put you in touch with a relevant contact.

However hard and painful it is, keep forgiving, let yourself cry when you need to and make sure you have some close trusted friends nearby in order to give you the support that you need.

8.20 pm – Coffee break (15 minutes)

8.35 pm – Talk: Children – the parent’s perspective (continued) (20 minutes)

Note to leaders: this is a wide-ranging topic where some parents will have very specific issues relating to their particular situation. We aim to cover the principles and practical tools that will help parents work through their problems and have found that this comes across best using the personal story and experience of a parent who is active on a day-to-day basis with their children. This is detailed below. You may prefer to replace this with a story that is better known to you regarding how parenting issues have been dealt with. To help you to do this we have listed below the key topics to cover to help you to bring out the most important points.

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Recognise that we will get it wrong as a parent – don’t be too hard on yourself. We are in the middle of a massive life change and it’s difficult: we are balancing our own personal survival whilst trying to be a great parent

Recognise the pain that you are personally going through. There are always painful personal triggers: feelings of isolation; fears of abandonment (particularly when the children go); insensitive comments by others; pick-up and drop-off times; speaking to your ex; new relationships being built such as new boy/girlfriends and new step-parents

The way that you communicate with the ex has to change. The goal is now one of co-parenting – where the children experience their parents functioning still as parents, even though they live apart. Parenting decisions about the children can still be exercised together if the parents find a new way of communicating successfully. This is the best outcome for the children.

Don’t try and find out what is going on with your ex – it’s nearly always nothing to do with you now

Try to agree on similar rules across two households and discuss what is allowed or not. Acknowledge that there will be differences in parenting styles that you will need to accept

Getting the children to open up, express their anger, express their concerns is important – how have you been able to do this?

Simply being able to listen to the children is important – often it is best not to fix, criticize or change their feelings; just reflect their thoughts back as this will make them feel valued and understood

Making sure the children know that it is not their fault

Getting outside help: mediators, counselors, doctors – don’t be afraid to use them, even if it means anti-depressants for either you or the children!

Tell the school – they may be able to help

For all the above points, make sure that you mention what has helped you to deal with these issues

The story I am going to share now is that of a woman in her forties. She has three children, and her husband left her for another woman. It describes her experience and the lessons she learnt about caring for her children during her separation and subsequent divorce.

‘Our children were eleven, nine and seven when we split up and I was the fulltime carer for them. If I did a check list for the early years I can honestly say that I have done most of the list entitled “Never do this to your children”, including screaming at their father in front of them; banging my head against the wall; slamming down the phone and calling him a rude name; bad mouthing him when they can hear; and crying constantly for about two years. But I have learnt that these actions damage my children and me much more than they hurt the person they were intended to hurt.

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‘Over the last few years I have tried to change some of these behaviours! The initial weeks and months of intense feelings of: anger, betrayal, jealousy, deep hurt and full-on hatred; were nearly indescribable to the outside world, although I know that you probably all understand those intense feelings.

‘I became very isolated and spent most of the time crying in the garden with a glass of wine and a cigarette (I had not smoked for 14 years!). The isolation was compounded by the fact that the one person I wanted to talk to was the one person who had in a single day become the one person I could no longer confide in. The person to whom I had previously taken every joy and sadness was no longer available to me, and that was truly devastating.

‘I had heard all the stuff about how to help our children through separation and divorce but the reality is that we are just trying to survive and doing any more than that is impossible.

‘For me one of the most agonising and therefore volatile times were when the children would be collected to go away with their father. These points really fed my isolation and feelings of abandonment. So I would either arrange for a friend to be with me in the kitchen or have somewhere for me to go to straight away.

‘This helped the children to go knowing that I was OK (previously I would be crying, which was very difficult for them) and free to enjoy the time with Daddy. It meant that I could cry and talk with my friend until I felt that I could cope again.

‘I think that your children going away from you is the most painful thing in the world, but it does get better! Now, I still usually call someone who I know will understand without my having to explain how I am. I just say the children have just gone and I wanted to talk to someone! I also try to put something nice in the diary for myself when the children go for the weekend – like seeing friends, going to the movies or sometimes I choose to do nothing at all!

‘I remember a girl friend of mine going through this years before me, saying that I would begin to love the times when the children went off with their father. I thought, well, what does she know, I will never feel like that … but well, I now do! I love the peace of the house to myself as it is a rare pleasure with three teenagers/young people with assorted hangers-ons and a lodger!

‘I have found that it is really helpful for the children if I release them with my blessing to their father so that they can enjoy their time with him. This means saying to them before they go “I hope you have a really good time with Daddy this weekend, I am going to be doing X and Y, but do call me if you would like to.” This allows them to have fun with Daddy, because I am going to be fine. I found calling them while they were away quite hard for them and painful for me. The important thing is that they know I am available if needed, but they don’t have to call me. ‘My ex-husband and I used to have a termly meeting to discuss dates, times, school issues, etc. In the early days these were low-level battlegrounds. I longed to see him, wanting him to look awful so that I would feel better, longing to hear about his life so I could wallow in self-pity afterwards and generally beat myself up! And all this was going on while under the heading of talking about the children! No wonder I was going mad!

‘One of the ways round these totally insane times was to have an agenda for what needed to be discussed. I would print out my diary with what suited me and the children and then we would discuss it and come to a compromise on times and dates. This gave me a structure for the meeting rather than a chaotic mish mash

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of feelings.

‘In the second session [of the Recovery from Divorce and Separation Course] we talked about your communication, but it is vitally important and is worth repeating it here. Having a trustworthy friend with no outside agenda is so helpful. Remember, you must not choose someone who dislikes him too! But choose someone who loves you and wants the best for you and your children and is willing to challenge you. It is very important that it is someone that you will listen to if they feel you are out of order.

‘By processing the emotions with a trustworthy friend elsewhere, I found it easier to handle problems with my ex, as our meetings were more business-like. For example if something I wasn’t expecting came up, I was able to say, “I will think about that and get back to you” or “I don’t feel ready to comment on that at the moment, I will email you later”. All these responses give you time to think and to call your trustworthy friend to talk it through. It is very empowering to realise that you don’t have to answer straight away and helps to slow things down and allow you time to think.

‘These are new behaviours and can feel strange because this person was your soul mate. You would never have said to your husband or wife “I will think about it and get back to you later”. But things have changed and similarly our way of relating to one another must also change. When we try these new ways and it goes well, it is so encouraging and we can try again next time. For myself it was about becoming adult in my relationship with my ex-husband, I think that the process of separation and divorce can often push us back into childlike responses and I needed to grow up and take responsibility for where we had got to, this was not easy!

‘When the children first started going to their father I wanted to know everything: “What did they do? How was Daddy?” “Did Daddy cook?” Now previously he had only made tomato soup (if I was ill) so I longed to know how they survived the weekend! It was a nightmare for the children as whatever they said was wrong! If Daddy did cook, I’d say: “Well he hadn’t helped me for fifteen years”. Or if they ate in a restaurant, I’d come back with: “Well it’s OK for some”. It put the children in an impossible position because however awful he appeared to me to be, he was their father and they loved him warts and all.

‘When we criticize our ex, we are also criticizing our children as they are made up of half our spouse. I find this a good picture to stop me when I want to say something unhelpful. Interestingly, now that I have got to the advanced stage of actually defending my ex to my children, my daughter who is now sixteen, recently said to me, “When I am annoyed with Dad please don’t defend him! I am allowed to be angry with him sometimes and I don’t want you telling me he is doing his best – just listen please.”

‘I have learnt just how awful these times of crossover between families can be. To move between two very different households with different rules and guidelines is difficult for adults never mind children – think about how it can be difficult going to stay with adult friends who have different lifestyles and boundaries. For our children it is also difficult, especially as we are the two people who used to live together with the same rules and guidelines!

‘What I have found the easiest for us all is not to ask any questions about their time with Daddy apart from the very vague “Did you have a lovely time with Daddy?” or “Was it fun seeing Daddy’s new dog?”. Then when the dust has settled a bit we go for a walk. This has lots of advantages: walking side by side you are close and can hold hands and have intimacy without eye contact. Also there are lots of distractions if things get tough.

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‘I find this way they will talk about the bits they need me to hear. If you’re finding it hard, it might be good to say, “Perhaps we can talk about that later when I can think more clearly” and then remember to come back to it!

‘Sometimes I will say, “Do you want me just to listen or do you want my opinion or advice?” As they get older I feel it is important to ask if they want our advice or not!

‘If something special crops up, I might write a note to discuss it with their father or send an email. If you were still together a lot of issues would be discussed on an on-going basis and I try to keep that immediacy now.

‘As much as we try and hold it together we will get it wrong especially when your child tells you something upsetting or shocking about the ex. For example, when my kids said to me, “Did you know Daddy is going to the Caribbean with his girlfriend?” Well the first time this happened I really went haywire! I screamed, banged by head on the front door a lot and then rang their father and shouted at him to come back and discuss the issue with me now, telling him what I thought of him in small, bite-sized words – all of this with the children standing in the hall looking terrified – not my finest moment as a mother!

‘Obviously this it not very healthy for anyone concerned! Now my prayer is to try not to overreact! Then I try to get to a phone as quickly as possible to call anyone I know who is in, who can listen and be understanding.

‘At these times it is so important to have someone who can ask the right questions. For example, “What was the most important thing about this to you?”, “What did it trigger in you? Loneliness? Abandonment? Hurt? Anger?”, “What does it mean to the children?”, “What do you want to do about it?”, “What can you do?”, “Is it anything to do with you?” That last one is very tough because often I found that in fact it had nothing to do with me except my inability to let go of my husband.

‘So, firstly get on the phone and download to someone who will not be damaged by what you say; process what has happened to you and then make a positive plan. ‘About schools. For about two years, I was unable to manage any contact with the children’s father at their schools; I could not sit with him or talk to him. Slowly, with trial and error we can now manage much better to be parents together at the schools. We even drive to school in the same car – even with me in the front seat at times! To start with I would put a child in the front as sitting next to him in a car was too intimate for me and I was scared that I would slip back into old roles, which were now inappropriate for me. It was a helpful boundary for me.

‘Each time we do something together at school, I see how much it means to the children. It enables them to be the same as other children with two parents who appear to be relatively normal.

‘Another thing that I am learning is to recognise the triggers that pull me down. I have found it really helpful to work out what my personal triggers are, although I would say they are pretty universal. Usually it is abandonment, rejection and where I feel life really closing in again.

‘I was on anti-depressants for eighteen months and I have to say they saved my life in that they made me sufficiently calm to be able to put some of these guidelines into my life. Beforehand, all I could do was cry; making any decision was impossible so changing behavior was a bridge far too far!

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‘Some days I will still cry at the loss – the loss of family, the loss of the dream of my marriage, the loss of the future together with our grand children, etc. I try to look at reality: “what is really happening here?” and as we said before, try to separate the feelings from the facts.

‘Sometimes I am so full of fear, and then I have to stop, try to pray and look hard at the reality of the situation. Often if I can do that, I can unravel the fear and face the reality.

‘For example my ex-husband got remarried a couple of years ago and although I am happy for him and for the children I knew that this would be a particularly difficult time for me, so I went on holiday with a girlfriend and came back refreshed, tanned and having read six books … bliss! It is not always possible to anticipate difficult times but that was one that I knew was coming and looked after myself. What I had totally missed was the children coming home with the photographs, which they wanted me to see but was very painful.

‘So those are my thoughts for my own survival of this challenging phase. We move from being married parents to being co-parents. We are no longer together but we remain co-parents and we can strive for the best as co-parents.

‘As I have said, I have broken most of the rules in the book, and yet I believe that, with the help of the practical steps I have spoken about this evening, my ex and I are moving into a better phase of successful co-parenting and this has to be the very best thing for our children.’

8.55 pm – Talk: The children’s perspective (20 minutes)

Having spoken about the parents’ perspective, we will now look at the child’s point of view. The reaction of a child during separation and divorce will depend on their age and development, although many issues can be very similar. We want to give you an idea as to how they feel. The quotes we are about to read out areall from a group of young people who come from homes where their parents have separated or divorced. They are aged between eleven and eighteen, who come from a broad range of backgrounds and situations. As you will hear, some central themes emerge.

Note to leaders: ask one male and one female volunteer to come forward and read out the quotes alternately.

‘When I think about my parents’ split, it makes me feel alone, unwanted and upset. I am the only one of my friends this has happened to. They always look happy. I try to hide it when I feel sad’

‘I don’t feel we have a normal family without a Dad. My mates say it’s okay and that they understand how I feel, but they don’t’

‘I hate to be singled out. I just want to be like any other kid and feel normal’

‘The worst thing is being confused, not really knowing what’s going on. I wish they would be straight with me. They try to protect me but it only makes things worse’

‘I can now get angry quite easily. Really angry. Takes me a while to simmer down’

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‘I feel the pressure of being the man in the house, now Dad’s gone’

‘I can’t relate to my parents and won’t talk to them. I just don’t trust them anymore’

‘The worst thing is not being able to please them both – like if one didn’t want me to see the other’

‘I don’t want my Dad to spoil me or try to be a buddy or mate. I want him to be my Dad, somebody I can rely on. Just Dad’

‘I can’t really talk about the divorce to my parents. It’s like talking to them about their wrongdoing and I find that really hard’

‘Dad did some terrible things. But he’s still my Dad and I love him’

‘I don’t always want to have to see Dad with his new girlfriend. I want to see him alone, just me and him’

‘I remember once on my birthday I was playing in a school match and my parents both came to watch me. They didn’t have to talk to each other – just to be there for my birthday. It was so good to see them together – it was one of the best days of my life’

These children were asked what they found helpful in coping with these feelings. This is what they said:

‘Talk to someone neutral’

‘Talk to a pet’

‘Write a diary’

‘Be free to cry. Some people think boys don’t cry but I have cried a lot and it’s been really helpful’

‘Talk to a camera – you can say anything you don’t have the nerve to say to your parents directly’

‘Talk to friends in the same position. You can trust your friends, not adults’

There is a lot to take in here, but some clear principles can be seen. First, children want to be normal – at school, with their peers, with their parents, with others. They do not want to be thrust into a world of ‘heavy’ stuff. They want to go on as usual.

Secondly, they want to be kept right out of the conflict between their parents.

Thirdly, they want to find ways to express what they are feeling – their suggestions are talk to a friend/pet/someone neutral/write a diary/cry. These are all forms of expression.

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So how can we best help them?

Note to leaders: if you are using a story that is better known to you, we have listed below the key topics to cover to help you to bring out the most important points.

Find ways for the children to express their feelings

Find a safe and neutral venue where children can speak

When children express themselves it is best not to interrupt, defend, justify or fix at that moment – just listen. Use reflective listening to bring out their thoughts

Nurture any relationships that your children have with other appropriate adults

Help children to recognize signs of anger or depression

Help them to work out what is making them angry or depressed

Enable them to have space and time to let these feelings out in a constructive way

Help create an environment where the children can forgive both parents

Parents often have to forgive their ex and themselves and also forgive their ex for the impact on their children (which can be harder)

Children copy parenting and therefore if the parent can forgive, then this will help the children

Speak well of the other parent to the children – this will help you and them

Let’s return to the woman whose story we heard earlier. There are three things that she believes her children have found helpful:

‘First, I have tried to find ways for the children to be able to express their feelings. This is much harder in practice than it may seem, because they will be guarded in what they say to either parent for fear of letting the other one down. A safe and neutral place for them must be found.

‘What happened with us is that there were a number of problems early on in the separation and the children were finding it tough. I asked one of my children’s godparents, who is a trained therapist, to set up a meeting around our kitchen table with us all there so that my ex and I could listen to the children. The deal was that we would not interrupt, defend or justify ourselves. We were just there to listen.

‘It was scary – what were they going to say? But in fact it was really helpful. I needed to hear how much they minded me crying and getting upset. What happened was that the children opened their hearts and let it all out. They said what was on their hearts and it was incredibly helpful to us all.

‘Try and set up a safe place where they can talk, with or without you there. If you can encourage or nurture any relationships that your children may have with other adults who would be wise listeners, then do. Do whatever you can to provide your children with the opportunity to express how they are feeling to somebody neutral. It will be such a help to them.

‘Secondly, we can help our children by recognising any signs of anger. We talked about anger in Session 1 [of the Recovery from Divorce and Separation Course] – sometimes we are not even aware that we are angry and yet it affects all our behaviour and makes it hard to move on in peace.

© Restored Lives Charity 2013

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‘The first step is to recognise the anger; the next is to work out what it is that is making us angry; and the final step is to let it out constructively. It is fine to feel angry – in fact we will all experience anger at times in our lives. It is what we do with it that matters.

‘For me, that meant throwing cushions at the sofa while speaking out what I was angry about. My children have at times found it incredibly helpful to throw cushions and let it all out, and I give them permission to say anything they want as they throw.

‘The third thing that will help our children is of course forgiveness. As we talked about this in the third session; when we forgive, we find freedom and the ability to move forward in peace; and our children can do this too. As parents there are two aspects to our forgiveness: we need to forgive our ex for the hurt we feel as a wife or husband or partner, and in addition we need to forgive our ex for the hurt, often deeper, that we feel in seeing our children suffer. For many that is harder than forgiving our ex for what has been done to us. Remember that we cannot forgive on behalf of our children – only they can do that. But we can forgive for the pain we feel as a parent when we see them suffer.

‘Our children will most likely need to forgive both parents, and sometimes other people as well. Please be aware that the only way to help them do this is to lead by example.

‘An amazing example of this is Gee Walker, the mother of Anthony, a teenage boy who was brutally murdered in 2005 for no reason other than the colour of his skin. Gee has given a number of interviews and speaks of her intense pain: of lying awake crying for him and her loss. She also speaks of forgiveness, saying: “I cannot hate; hate is what killed Anthony. I have to forgive them.”

‘When it comes to her children, this is what she said: “I have always taught my children to forgive; it’s part of our way of life. So when Anthony was killed, I had to lead by example. My desire was to portray love. I can’t expect people to forgive and to love and not hate if I hate and show unforgiveness. I have to lead by example and hopefully, when my children see me, it will help them too. We have no room in our family for hatred.”

‘Another aspect of this, is that I try to speak about their father with praise and point out all the good things that we have, thanks to his provision. I try to show the ways in which he has been good to us. If forgiveness flows from us, it will help them and in their own time they may come to forgive us both for what they have been through.’

Regardless of the role we may have played in the breakdown of our marriage, our children never asked for this to happen. Their whole lives were turned upside down and all that they held precious and sacred was trashed and broken. We are all trying to heal in our own way and I know that the healthier I am emotionally, the better it is for the children. I know that can feel like a huge pressure, especially in the early days when you can hardly get out of bed, but it is also an encouragement. So get as much help as possible for yourself through friends, family, church, self-help groups, counseling and therapy (like the anger workshops!). You can pass what you learn on to your children in time and in a way that is appropriate for them.

Conclusion

The goal for all of us is to shift from being parents who are married, to being separate but successful co-parents. [Research is clear that when two separated parents are able to communicate together effectively about their children then the impact of divorce can be greatly minimized].

© Restored Lives Charity 2013

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One way to help make this shift is to write to the other parent, setting out your guidelines for how you will try to parent together successfully. We have a handout available (a ‘Parenting Together’ letter) that may help you do this.

You may or may not wish to use this version, but I would encourage you to think of sending something along these lines as it emphasizes the importance of moving into a different phase of parenting together successfully. It also acts as a great summary and action plan for you in the future.

Note to leaders: please ensure that you have enough copies of the ‘Parenting Together’ letter to go round. You will find this handout in Appendix 2 at the end of this session.

9.15 pm – Exercise (in small groups) (15 minutes)

Following on from all that we have discussed – what would help you in parenting your children through your separation and divorce?

For the groups that do not have children we would suggest that you discuss this broad question: “Are there any areas that you would like to discuss on this topic?”

Note to leaders: Some people in the group may be children of divorced parents themselves and this may be a topic to discuss. For other people the issue of not having had children could be raised.

9.30 pm – Conclusion (1 minute)

Just before we finish we are going to hear a personal story that will demonstrate how best we can help our children in the wake of a marriage breakdown.

9.31 pm – Personal Story (9 minutes)

Note to leaders: this could be from anyone – ideally someone who is able to speak about the way he/she managed the issues with the children following the relationship breakdown. We find that this personal story is best given using some simple questions, shown below, rather than the speaker simply reading from notes. Please make sure you have run through this with the speaker before the session.

Now we are going to hear from [insert name] who is going to tell us [his/her] story, and how [he/she] managed the situation with the children.

What was your background? What happened to you? What were the issues with the children following the relationship breakdown? How did you manage these issues? How you do you now get on with the children’s other parent? If there was one thing that you would say to someone going through separation and divorce what

would it be?

© Restored Lives Charity 2013

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9.40 pm – Finish with prayer

Thank you for coming, I hope you have found this evening helpful. I will close now with a short prayer:

Lord, thank you that you love us all. Please help us as we seek to relate to all the other people who are affected by the breakdown of our relationship, we also pray for any children of those here who are adjusting to their changed circumstances. May your love and peace offer hope to us all. Amen.

© Restored Lives Charity 2013