Wedding Etiquette In The 21st Century: A How-To Guide Photos, Save-The-Dates And Invitations...
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Business Journal Chats With Great- Great Granddaughter Of Etiquette Guru Emily Post ■ By TIFFANY RIDER Staff Writer W edding celebrations are one of many special events where formal- ities are engrained in their tradition. But as Millennial-generation couples begin to ring wedding bells, the traditions of yesteryear have been slowly fading and upgrading with the 21st Century. Lizzie Post, great-great granddaughter of the famous etiquette guru Emily Post, is an author and member of The Emily Post Insti- tute, which has published five editions of Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette. Post told the Business Journal that there are still proper ways of distributing the responsibilities that come before, during and after the wedding while being realistic in today’s world. Trini Randazzo, president and founder of Nozza Stu- dios Wedding Planning and Invitations in Belmont Shore, has read Post’s Wedding Etiquette and provided her perspective on some of the traditional wedding protocol that is still included in her clients’ weddings. Covering The Costs Traditionally, the groom’s family pays for an engagement party as well as the rehearsal dinner, while the bride’s family pays for the wedding and reception. However, according to the 5th edition of Wedding Etiquette, only 27 percent of weddings are completely paid for by the bride’s parents. Today, anyone can pay for anything. “We’ve really come to respect that not everyone comes from the same place and that the best thing to do nowadays is to have a candid and respectful conversation about the expenses of the wedding and what people are willing to contribute to,” Post said. Randazzo said she has seen parents of the bride and groom contributing on certain items, such as the bride’s parents buying the dress and accessories, but otherwise the cost is mostly on the couple. However the bill is split, an important thing to remember is to not spend beyond your means. “Just because mom and dad are wealthy doesn’t mean mom and dad want a $100,000 wedding on their hands,” Post said. Before dealing out payments and tips, cou- ples should check their vendor contracts to make sure gratuity hasn’t already been in- cluded in the charges. Randazzo said her clients make all final payments ahead of schedule, putting everything in separate en- velopes for each vendor. Tips should be in- cluded in a separate envelope, and all envelopes are delivered at the end of the night. Typically, vendors that receive gratuity are mu- sicians, caterers and wait staff, delivery truck drivers, limousine drivers and bartenders. The officiant also receives a donation or tip. Gra- tuity is somewhere between 18 and 20 percent and is given as long as the vendor performs ad- equately per the contracted agreement. Engagement Photos, Save-The-Dates And Invitations Traditional engagement announcements are not invitations to the wedding. Post and Ran- dazzo have seen the announcement become a photo or photomontage of professional en- gagement pictures. Randazzo also operates a stationery bou- tique through NOZZA, and helps her clients create announcements and save-the-date cards. She recommends only sending out save-the-dates if the wedding is on a holiday weekend, if there are a lot of out of town guests coming or if the wedding is on a Friday or a Sunday. “If, typically, your wedding is on a Saturday and most of your guests are in town and they’re not flying from far away, or if you want to keep your guest count to a min- imum, then I don’t recommend that they send save-the-dates,” she said. Couples are also using engagement photos as save-the-date cards, which are sent out to those who should expect an invitation to the wedding and may need extra time to plan for travel to the big day. The purpose of the invi- tation is to clue in guests what type of attire they wear and what kind of experience they are going to have at the wedding. Handwritten or printed invitations are both perfectly ac- ceptable, as long as the essential “who, what, where and when” are included, particularly who is inviting and who is being celebrated. “Because the costs are often shared, it’s im- portant to make sure that if the groom’s par- ents have contributed that you ask whether or not they would like to be on the invitation, or vice versa,” Post said. Traditional wedding eti- quette is to not put a deceased family member on the invitation as a host. The best way to in- clude someone who has passed away is to honor the person in the wedding program in- stead, Post said. Each delivered wedding invitation comes as a packet with the invite, response card and re- ception card – which are sometimes combined – and a stamped and addressed return enve- lope. Both Post and Randazzo said it’s a no- no to include any registry information on the actual invitation letter, but it could be written on an insert. In Randazzo’s business, she said she recommends creating a card that goes with the stationery of the invitation, following the same style, so it doesn’t look out of place in the invite. Delegating Responsibilities Traditionally, the duty of the mother of the groom is to be the host of the engagement party and to make the first step to reach out to the bride’s parents after the engagement to arrange a time to meet each other if they haven’t met before. “Both should be support- ive of the events,” Post said. If there is no planner and the mother of the bride is paying for the majority of the wedding, Randazzo said the mother typically fills that role by talking to the vendors, negotiating con- tracts, going to appointments with the couple and all of the follow-ups leading to and on the big day. Traditionally the mother of the bride hosts a bridal luncheon the day before or the day of the wedding. Both mothers should take responsibility for talking to each other about what to wear to the wedding, and the couple should be re- spectful of what their mothers are comfort- able wearing, Post said. Post noted the responsibilities of the maid or matron of honor should include being a witness to the marriage certificate signing, helping select the bridesmaids’ attire, address invitation envelopes, carry the bride’s dress train if applicable, hold the bouquet and ring during the ceremony and gather guests for the bouquet toss and the reception. Both the maid of honor and the bridesmaids are responsible for the purchase of apparel and all accessories needed for the wedding and must be able to afford transportation to and from the cere- mony. The attendants are also most likely going to contribute a gift from the brides- maids to the bride, if being at the wedding is not the gift itself, Post said. The opposite supporting role is that of the best man. “He’s your responsible friend,” Post said. The best man’s duties can include being a witness to the marriage certificate signing, organizing the bachelor party, coordinating the groomsmen’s gift to the couple, making sure the groom’s payments to vendors are pre- pared, delivering those payments at the cere- mony, instructing ushers in the correct seating of guests, making sure the groomsmen are properly dressed, keeping the bride’s ring, of- fering the first toast, dancing with the moth- ers, the bride and all of the bridesmaids, and is often responsible for returning rented gar- ments and accessories. The best man may also drive the couple to the ceremony if they have not hired transportation. If a couple decides to hire a planner, Ran- dazzo said a planner should sit down with clients to review what responsibilities the bride and groom are expecting members of the wedding party to carry out. Sometimes, she said, those expectations are too much, and if not properly delegated they can cause fric- tion within the bridal party. “The purpose of them is to be there to support you through the process and mainly to support you the day of your wedding, basically to help you get ready and all of that; nothing from the planning process,” she said. Calling Off The Wedding Once the final decision to cancel the wed- ding is made, the first people who should know are those involved in planning the wed- ding. All vendors have a clause for cancella- tion that allows bridal parties to cancel for any reason up to 30 days before, but must for- feit their deposit. “The only way it’s refunded is if there’s a death in the family or a serious injury to a member of the wedding party,” Randazzo said. Planners typically work a year in advance, so the more notice you can give the better for everyone. Randazzo said she always recommends that couples get wed- ding insurance in the event of accident or bad weather. “It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind,” she said. Start notifying guests immediately in a let- ter. “This should not be a Facebook announce- ment,” Post said. A potential script, Post said, could be, “We’re terribly sorry. This is not the path we should be going down.” Couples don’t need to explain how or why they made the decision to call everything off. There are laws in some states on giving back wedding rings. Post said the ring usually does not need to be returned, but if it’s an heirloom from the groom’s family it should go back to them. “It’s supposed to be a representation of a promise that’s [now] not holding true.” ■ Wedding Etiquette In The 21st Century: A How-To Guide Trini Randazzo, president and founder of NOZZA Event Planning Studio in Belmont Shore, con- sults her clients about proper wedding etiquette as part of her planning services. She also de- signs and creates stationery for things like wedding save-the-dates, invitations and thank-you notes. (Photograph by the Business Journal’s Thomas McConville) The fifth edition of Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, written by the etiquette guru’s great-granddaughter in-law Peggy Post, has details on the before, during and after ele- ments of a traditional American wedding. (Image courtesy of The Emily Post Institute) Lizzie Post February 1-14, 2011
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Transcript of Wedding Etiquette In The 21st Century: A How-To Guide Photos, Save-The-Dates And Invitations...
Business Journal Chats With Great-Great Granddaughter Of Etiquette
Guru Emily Post
� By TIFFANY RIDER
Staff Writer
W edding celebrations are one ofmany special events where formal-
ities are engrained in their tradition. But asMillennial-generation couples begin to ringwedding bells, the traditions of yesteryearhave been slowly fading and upgrading withthe 21st Century.Lizzie Post, great-great granddaughter of
the famous etiquette guru Emily Post, is anauthor and member of The Emily Post Insti-tute, which has published five editions ofEmily Post’s Wedding Etiquette. Post told theBusiness Journal that there are still proper
ways of distributing theresponsibilities that comebefore, during and afterthe wedding while beingrealistic in today’s world.Trini Randazzo, presidentand founder of Nozza Stu-dios Wedding Planningand Invitations in BelmontShore, has read Post’sWedding Etiquette andprovided her perspective
on some of the traditional wedding protocolthat is still included in her clients’ weddings.
Covering The CostsTraditionally, the groom’s family pays for
an engagement party as well as the rehearsaldinner, while the bride’s family pays for thewedding and reception. However, accordingto the 5th edition of Wedding Etiquette, only27 percent of weddings are completely paidfor by the bride’s parents.Today, anyone can pay for anything. “We’ve
really come to respect that not everyonecomes from the same place and that the bestthing to do nowadays is to have a candid andrespectful conversation about the expenses ofthe wedding and what people are willing tocontribute to,” Post said.Randazzo said she has seen parents of the
bride and groom contributing on certainitems, such as the bride’s parents buying thedress and accessories, but otherwise the costis mostly on the couple. However the bill issplit, an important thing to remember is to not
spend beyond your means. “Just becausemom and dad are wealthy doesn’t mean momand dad want a $100,000 wedding on theirhands,” Post said.Before dealing out payments and tips, cou-
ples should check their vendor contracts tomake sure gratuity hasn’t already been in-cluded in the charges. Randazzo said herclients make all final payments ahead ofschedule, putting everything in separate en-velopes for each vendor. Tips should be in-cluded in a separate envelope, and allenvelopes are delivered at the end of the night.Typically, vendors that receive gratuity are mu-sicians, caterers and wait staff, delivery truckdrivers, limousine drivers and bartenders. Theofficiant also receives a donation or tip. Gra-tuity is somewhere between 18 and 20 percentand is given as long as the vendor performs ad-equately per the contracted agreement.
Engagement Photos, Save-The-Dates And Invitations
Traditional engagement announcements arenot invitations to the wedding. Post and Ran-dazzo have seen the announcement become aphoto or photomontage of professional en-gagement pictures. Randazzo also operates a stationery bou-
tique through NOZZA, and helps her clientscreate announcements and save-the-date
cards. She recommends only sending outsave-the-dates if the wedding is on a holidayweekend, if there are a lot of out of townguests coming or if the wedding is on a Fridayor a Sunday. “If, typically, your wedding is ona Saturday and most of your guests are intown and they’re not flying from far away, orif you want to keep your guest count to a min-imum, then I don’t recommend that they sendsave-the-dates,” she said. Couples are also using engagement photos
as save-the-date cards, which are sent out tothose who should expect an invitation to thewedding and may need extra time to plan fortravel to the big day. The purpose of the invi-tation is to clue in guests what type of attirethey wear and what kind of experience theyare going to have at the wedding. Handwrittenor printed invitations are both perfectly ac-ceptable, as long as the essential “who, what,where and when” are included, particularlywho is inviting and who is being celebrated.“Because the costs are often shared, it’s im-
portant to make sure that if the groom’s par-ents have contributed that you ask whether ornot they would like to be on the invitation, orvice versa,” Post said. Traditional wedding eti-quette is to not put a deceased family memberon the invitation as a host. The best way to in-clude someone who has passed away is to
honor the person in the wedding program in-stead, Post said. Each delivered wedding invitation comes as
a packet with the invite, response card and re-ception card – which are sometimes combined– and a stamped and addressed return enve-lope. Both Post and Randazzo said it’s a no-no to include any registry information on theactual invitation letter, but it could be writtenon an insert. In Randazzo’s business, she saidshe recommends creating a card that goeswith the stationery of the invitation, followingthe same style, so it doesn’t look out of placein the invite.
Delegating ResponsibilitiesTraditionally, the duty of the mother of the
groom is to be the host of the engagementparty and to make the first step to reach outto the bride’s parents after the engagement toarrange a time to meet each other if theyhaven’t met before. “Both should be support-ive of the events,” Post said. If there is no planner and the mother of the
bride is paying for the majority of the wedding,Randazzo said the mother typically fills thatrole by talking to the vendors, negotiating con-tracts, going to appointments with the coupleand all of the follow-upsleading to and on thebig day. Traditionallythe mother of the bridehosts a bridal luncheonthe day before or theday of the wedding.Both mothers shouldtake responsibility fortalking to each otherabout what to wear tothe wedding, and thecouple should be re-spectful of what theirmothers are comfort-able wearing, Post said.
Post noted the responsibilities of the maidor matron of honor should include being awitness to the marriage certificate signing,helping select the bridesmaids’ attire, addressinvitation envelopes, carry the bride’s dresstrain if applicable, hold the bouquet and ringduring the ceremony and gather guests for thebouquet toss and the reception. Both the maidof honor and the bridesmaids are responsiblefor the purchase of apparel and all accessoriesneeded for the wedding and must be able toafford transportation to and from the cere-mony. The attendants are also most likelygoing to contribute a gift from the brides-maids to the bride, if being at the wedding isnot the gift itself, Post said.The opposite supporting role is that of the
best man. “He’s your responsible friend,” Postsaid. The best man’s duties can include beinga witness to the marriage certificate signing,organizing the bachelor party, coordinatingthe groomsmen’s gift to the couple, makingsure the groom’s payments to vendors are pre-pared, delivering those payments at the cere-mony, instructing ushers in the correct seatingof guests, making sure the groomsmen areproperly dressed, keeping the bride’s ring, of-fering the first toast, dancing with the moth-
ers, the bride and all of the bridesmaids, andis often responsible for returning rented gar-ments and accessories. The best man may alsodrive the couple to the ceremony if they havenot hired transportation. If a couple decides to hire a planner, Ran-
dazzo said a planner should sit down withclients to review what responsibilities thebride and groom are expecting members ofthe wedding party to carry out. Sometimes,she said, those expectations are too much, andif not properly delegated they can cause fric-tion within the bridal party. “The purpose ofthem is to be there to support you through theprocess and mainly to support you the day ofyour wedding, basically to help you get readyand all of that; nothing from the planningprocess,” she said.
Calling Off The WeddingOnce the final decision to cancel the wed-
ding is made, the first people who shouldknow are those involved in planning the wed-ding. All vendors have a clause for cancella-tion that allows bridal parties to cancel forany reason up to 30 days before, but must for-feit their deposit. “The only way it’s refundedis if there’s a death in the family or a seriousinjury to a member of the wedding party,”Randazzo said. Planners typically work ayear in advance, so the more notice you cangive the better for everyone. Randazzo saidshe always recommends that couples get wed-ding insurance in the event of accident or badweather. “It’s a small price to pay for peaceof mind,” she said. Start notifying guests immediately in a let-
ter. “This should not be a Facebook announce-ment,” Post said. A potential script, Post said,could be, “We’re terribly sorry. This is not thepath we should be going down.” Couplesdon’t need to explain how or why they madethe decision to call everything off. There arelaws in some states on giving back weddingrings. Post said the ring usually does not needto be returned, but if it’s an heirloom from thegroom’s family it should go back to them. “It’ssupposed to be a representation of a promisethat’s [now] not holding true.” �
Wedding Etiquette In The 21st Century: A How-To Guide
Trini Randazzo, president and founder of NOZZA Event Planning Studio in Belmont Shore, con-sults her clients about proper wedding etiquette as part of her planning services. She also de-signs and creates stationery for things like wedding save-the-dates, invitations and thank-younotes. (Photograph by the Business Journal’s Thomas McConville)
The fifth edition ofEmily Post’s WeddingEtiquette, written bythe etiquette guru’sgreat-granddaughterin-law Peggy Post, hasdetails on the before,during and after ele-ments of a traditionalAmerican wedding.(Image courtesy of TheEmily Post Institute)
Lizzie Post
February 1-14, 2011
