Tiger,  Queen  of  the  Suburban  Jungle  

Once  upon  a  time,  in  a  quaint,  quiet  city,  there  lived  a  cat  named  Tiger.    She  

looked  like  this:    

 

 Now  most  people  mistook  Tiger  for  an  average  cat,  but  the  truth  was,  Tiger  was  very  different.    

How?    It  was  her  mind  that  made  her  different.    Tiger  believed  with  all  her  heart  she  was  a  fearsome  majestic  lion.    Whenever  Tiger  looked  in  the  mirror  during  her  daily  fur-­shining  sessions,  what  looked  back  at  her  was  a  fabulous  ferocious  feline  with  sleek  orange  and  black  stripes.    

The  mirror  does  not  lie,  Tiger  thought.    I  AM  the  Queen  of  the  Suburban  Jungle.    

 

 

Although  Tiger’s  tiny  town  was  more  of  a  yawn  than  a  motorcycle  ride  in  black  leather  without  a  helmet,  Tiger  considered  her  home  dangerous  uncharted  territory  where  at  any  moment,  a  screeching  raptor  could  whip  her  from  life  to  death.    Therefore,  she  always  took  precautions.  

In  addition,  Tiger  had  some  very  lazy  servants  named  William,  Alice,  Ashley,  and  Andrea.    [draw  pictures  of  us  looking  tired  with  rings  around  your  eyes]    They  were  very  slow  about  bringing  her  breakfast,  lunch,  dinner,  and  midnight  snacks,  and  for  some  reason,  they  always  complained  about  getting  out  of  bed  to  bring  her  Tuna  Whisker  Lickins’  in  the  middle  of  the  night.  

Once,  her  servant  Alice  tried  to  foist  cheap  food  on  her,  but  Tiger  could  sniff  the  difference  from  a  mile  away.    Sure  enough,  when  she  peered  into  the  recycling  bin,  the  words  “Fancy  Feast  Classic”  screeched  at  her  like  an  insult.    

How  degrading.    They  could  have  at  least  spent  another  fifteen  cents.    Tiger  had  indicated  to  her  servants  over  and  over  (through  sign  language,  as  for  

some  reason,  her  servants  were  too  dense  to  understand  Cat)  that  she  would  only  eat  Fancy  Feast  Grilled  Steak  and  Chicken  with  Vegetable  Medley,  but  for  some  reason,  her  servants  thought  she  wouldn’t  notice  the  difference.    

As  if.    

 

 Another  trial  Tiger  had  to  endure  was  the  issue  of  having  fresh  running  water.    I  

mean,  her  servants  refused  to  drink  water  that  had  been  sitting  around  in  a  slimy  bowl  with  cat  hair  floating  in  it,  so  why  should  she?  

Her  incompetent  servants  never  understood  that  Queens  should  only  drink  fresh  

running  water.    They  were  constantly  trying  to  offer  her  stale  peasant  water  from  God  knows  where  in  an  atrocious  red  plastic  bowl.    To  give  her  servants  a  subtle  hint,  Tiger  often  took  one  look  at  it,  stuck  her  butt  up,  and  pranced  away.    Yet,  again  and  again,  her  servants  never  took  the  hint.    

Finally,  Tiger  embarked  on  a  journey  to  find  fresh  running  water.    She  stalked  her  servants  to  find  their  water  source  and  discovered  her  servant  Ashley  bathing  in  a  waterfall!    She  could  not  believe  it.    Here,  she  had  been  drinking  stagnant  water  when  her  very  servants  were  enjoying  the  luxury  of  bathing  in  strawberry  bubbles!    This  inequality  had  to  be  immediately  remedied.    With  a  huff  of  indignation,  Tiger  parked  herself  next  to  the  shining  white  porcelain  tub  and  stared  at  Ashley  with  a  meaningful  glare.  

“What  do  you  want?”  Ashley  rudely  inquired.  Tiger  continued  to  glare  until  Ashley  began  to  quiver.    Her  eyes  widened,  and  her  

cheeks  turned  red-­-­and  not  from  the  steam.  “O-­kay!”  Ashley  said,  leaping  out  of  the  tub  to  grab  a  towel  and  hide.  Ashley  knew  Tiger  meant  business.  Lazily,  Tiger  waltzed  toward  the  still-­flowing  waterfall  and  took  a  tentative  sip.  Delicious.  

 

 From  then  on,  Tiger  found  a  way  to  make  Ashley  unleash  the  magical  waterfall.  

Unfortunately,  her  paws  were  much  too  delicate  to  perform  such  menial  tasks.  If  you  are  wondering  how  Tiger  wielded  so  much  influence  over  her  giant  

servants,  this  is  why.    The  first  rule  of  power  is  knowing  your  victim’s  weaknesses.  Fortunately  for  Tiger,  her  servants  had  many.    

Her  servant  Ashley  was  the  most  fun  to  frighten.    Tiger  would  hide  behind  the  door  and  wait  for  Ashley  to  shuffle  by.  

“REEERRRR!”  

Ashley  would  jump  so  high  her  head  would  hit  the  ceiling,  and  when  she  landed,  her  hair  would  be  standing  on  end.    It  was  quite  satisfying.    

Beside  her  fearsome  roar,  Tiger’s  claws  were  another  of  her  greatest  assets,  for  compared  to  her  servants’  beef  sausage  fingers,  her  talons  were  lethal  daggers.    They  especially  came  in  handy  when  Ashley  had  the  audacity  to  think  she  would  share  her  bed.    For  some  reason,  Ashley  kept  insisting  it  was  her  bed,  when  clearly,  it  was  Tiger’s.  

 

 

 Tiger  also  enjoyed  spreading  furry  deposits  over  anything  her  servants  owned,  

especially  fresh  laundry.    Her  servants  were  kind  enough  to  launder  their  clothes  once  a  week  and  then  leave  them  all  warm  and  fluffy  in  a  basket  on  the  floor,  which  in  her  mind  made  an  ideal  napping  spot.      

 

 Just  to  mark  her  territory,  Tiger  would  leave  fur  all  over  the  fresh  laundry,  which  for  some  reason  made  her  servants  yell.    How  rude.    In  retaliation,  Tiger  would  pee  or  hurl  on  her  servants’  beds,  especially  the  white  ones.    Another  fun  revenge  tactic  was  ripping  apart  her  servants’  favorite  things,  including  Ashley’s  Hello  Kitty  doll  (a  very  sad  excuse  for  a  cat,  in  her  opinion)  and  shattering  Ashley’s  favorite  glass  teacups  that  she  had  collected  from  around  the  world.    With  one  fell  swipe  of  Tiger’s  paw,  Ashley’s  cups  were  crumbs.    

 

 One  of  the  reasons  Tiger  was  so  sassy  was  that  she  didn’t  feel  wanted.      

 

 For  one  thing,  she  felt  largely  neglected,  as  her  servants  spent  crazy  amounts  of  time  glued  to  their  screens,  large,  medium,  and  small.  There  was  a  tiny  one  they  pounded  on  with  their  fingers  and  stuck  to  their  ears,  a  medium  one  they  shopped  at  Forever  21  on,  and  a  large  one  that  showed  people  kissing  and  crying.    Ew.    

 

   

Another  reason  she  didn’t  feel  wanted  was  she  heard  a  wild  rumor  from  her  next  door  neighbor  Kibbles  and  Bits  that  her  servants  secretly  wanted  a  dog,  not  a  cat.  Apparently,  the  Changs  had  bought  a  non-­refundable  puppy  at  Purrs  and  Grrs  that  had  developed  a  mysterious  eye  disease  and  upon  trying  to  return  it,  had  been  stuck  with  a  cat-­-­her.    

 

 It  was  rough  being  the  second  choice,  but  Tiger  was  trying  to  convey  to  her  

servants  with  everything  she  ate,  drank,  and  did  that  she  was  a  royal  feline  descended  from  the  Asian  leopard.    Why,  even  her  fur  shone  like  gold  in  the  sun,  which  should  be  an  indicator  of  her  royal  lineage.    

In  the  end,  though,  Tiger  suspected  that  the  Chang  family  did  love  her-­-­even  though  they  frequently  joked  about  selling  her  on  eBay.    

She  would  get  them  back  for  that.    

 

   

       

     How  could  such  a  tiny  creature  have  so  much  energy  and  confidence?  was  the  

thought  that  went  through  each  member  of  the  Chang  family  from  day  one.    Tiger  craved  attention  every  waking  moment  like  a  newborn  baby  to  its  mother.    If  she  felt  she  was  not  getting  the  attention  she  deserved,  she  would  swipe  things  off  the  table  in  plain  view  of  everyone  and  carelessly  watch  it  fall  to  the  floor  with  a  loud  bang.  She  also  found  evil  joy  in  hiding  in  corners  and  attacking  Ashley’s  feet  when  she  least  expected  it,  many  times  resulting  in  Ashley  almost  having  a  heart  attack.    It  was  as  if  her  family  members  were  mere  board  games  pieces  for  her  to  play  with.    Tiger  lived  in  the  moment.    She  had  to  be  at  the  center  of  action,  whether  it  be  Alice  washing  dishes  or  Ashley  putting  on  contacts.    They  often  wondered  how  in  the  world  she  was  capable  of  being  at  two  places  at  once.    

 Despite  Tiger’s  exasperating  quirks  and  exuberant  personality,  the  Chang  

family  still  loved  her,  although  they  frequently  joked  about  selling  her  on  eBay.    

 In  life  you  are  either  the  passenger  or  the  pilot  and  in  Tiger’s  world,  she  sure  was  

the  pilot  navigating  the  plane  she  called  her  home.        

Theme:    you  can  be  anything  you  want  despite  your  circumstances  or  appearance  gold  in  her  fur  shines,  silken  soft  instead  of  rough  as  usual  magic  cat  not  allergic  to  her  dog’s  paw  bigger  than  hers  sad  dog  king  cries  when  humans  leave  house  Tiger  does  not  like  to  be  alone  except  on  some  gloomy  days  wants  to  be  left  alone  rubber  mice  her  friends  won’t  drink  out  of  a  bowl  pretends  the  bathtub  is  a  river,  not  scared  of  water  like  most  cats  owners  had  to  take  her  as  there  was  a  no  refund  policy  descended  from  an  Asian  leopard  fast  reflexes  likes  attacking  people,  jumping  out  of  dark  corners/cabinets  but  doesn’t  hurt  you/hide  and  seek  revenge,  cunning,  pees  on  your  bed  tries  to  escape  hits  people  likes  attention  can  see  every  part  of  the  house  from  the  top  of  the  cabinet  queen  of  the  house,  how  to  scare  Ashley  knows  how  to  get  snacks  and  treats  by  using  a  cute  face  (Tuna  Whisker  Lickins’)  humans  her  servants  Body  Ritual  among  the  Nacirema:  https://www.msu.edu/~jdowell/miner.html?pagewanted=al  curious  loves  running  water,  watching  Alice  wash  dishes,  Ashley  putting  on  contact  lenses,  interrupt  Ashley  studying  for  finals  and  writing  papers  Tiger  scared  of  Andrea,  Andrea  likes  to  twirl  her  around  doesn’t  like  to  be  petted  by  Ashley,  hits  her  eats  bugs,  leaves  carcasses  on  floor,  legless  spiders,  delicacies  intelligent  swatted  Andrea  away  when  blocked  her  view  of  watching  TV  bored  when  humans  go  to  Taiwan  but  William  is  still  there,  puts  mouse  on  shoulder  to  play  fetch,  then  puts  mouse  on  head  throws  can  of  Fancy  Feast  on  the  ground  and  swats  it  to  indicate  she’s  hungry  no  stagnant  water,  only  fresh  

likes  to  look  out  the  window  doesn’t  like  leash  so  can’t  go  outside  wants  to  chase  rabbit  loves  to  talk  with  other  cats  at  boarding  school,  in  social  group  likes  spotlight,  photo  shoots,  does  poses  Tiger  jealous  of  other  cat  that  came  to  the  house,  did  tricks,  hissed  at  the  other  cat