Tiger, Queen of the Suburban Jungle

Once upon a time, in a quaint, quiet city, there lived a cat named Tiger. She looked like this:

Now most people mistook Tiger for an average cat, but the truth was, Tiger was very different.

How? It was her mind that made her different. Tiger believed with all her heart she was a fearsome majestic lion. Whenever Tiger looked in the mirror during her daily fur-shining sessions, what looked back at her was a fabulous ferocious feline with sleek orange and black stripes.

The mirror does not lie, Tiger thought. I AM the Queen of the Suburban Jungle.

Although Tigers tiny town was more of a yawn than a motorcycle ride in black leather without a helmet, Tiger considered her home dangerous uncharted territory where at any moment, a screeching raptor could whip her from life to death. Therefore, she always took precautions.

In addition, Tiger had some very lazy servants named William, Alice, Ashley, and Andrea. They were very slow about bringing her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snacks, and for some reason, they always complained about getting out of bed to bring her Tuna Whisker Lickins in the middle of the night.

Once, her servant Alice tried to foist cheap food on her, but Tiger could sniff the difference from a mile away. Sure enough, when she peered into the recycling bin, the words Fancy Feast Classic screeched at her like an insult.

How degrading. They could have at least spent another fifteen cents. Tiger had indicated to her servants over and over (through sign language, as for

some reason, her servants were too dense to understand Cat) that she would only eat Fancy Feast Grilled Steak and Chicken with Vegetable Medley, but for some reason, her servants thought she wouldnt notice the difference.

As if.

Another trial Tiger had to endure was the issue of having fresh running water. I mean, her servants refused to drink water that had been sitting around in a slimy bowl with cat hair floating in it, so why should she?

Her incompetent servants never understood that Queens should only drink fresh running water. They were constantly trying to offer her stale peasant water from God

knows where in an atrocious red plastic bowl. To give her servants a subtle hint, Tiger often took one look at it, stuck her butt up, and pranced away. Yet, again and again, her servants never took the hint.

Finally, Tiger embarked on a journey to find fresh running water. She stalked her servants to find their water source and discovered her servant Ashley bathing in a waterfall! She could not believe it. Here, she had been drinking stagnant water when her very servants were enjoying the luxury of bathing in strawberry bubbles! This inequality had to be immediately remedied. With a huff of indignation, Tiger parked herself next to the shining white porcelain tub and stared at Ashley with a meaningful glare.

What do you want? Ashley rudely inquired. Tiger continued to glare until Ashley began to quiver. Her eyes widened, and her

cheeks turned red--and not from the steam. O-kay! Ashley said, leaping out of the tub to grab a towel and hide. Ashley knew Tiger meant business. Lazily, Tiger waltzed toward the still-flowing waterfall and took a tentative sip. Delicious.

From then on, Tiger found a way to make Ashley unleash the magical waterfall.

Unfortunately, her paws were much too delicate to perform such menial tasks. If you are wondering how Tiger wielded so much influence over her giant

servants, this is why. The first rule of power is knowing your victims weaknesses. Fortunately for Tiger, her servants had many.

Her servant Ashley was the most fun to frighten. Tiger would hide behind the door and wait for Ashley to shuffle by.

REEERRRR! Ashley would jump so high her head would hit the ceiling, and when she landed,

her hair would be standing on end. It was quite satisfying. Beside her fearsome roar, Tigers claws were another of her greatest assets, for

compared to her servants beef sausage fingers, her talons were lethal daggers. They especially came in handy when Ashley had the audacity to think she would share her bed. For some reason, Ashley kept insisting it was her bed, when clearly, it was Tigers.

Tiger also enjoyed spreading furry deposits over anything her servants owned, especially fresh laundry. Her servants were kind enough to launder their clothes once a week and then leave them all warm and fluffy in a basket on the floor, which in her mind made an ideal napping spot.

Just to mark her territory, Tiger would leave fur all over the fresh laundry, which for some reason made her servants yell. How rude. In retaliation, Tiger would pee or hurl on her servants beds, especially the white ones. Another fun revenge tactic was ripping apart her servants favorite things, including Ashleys Hello Kitty doll (a very sad excuse for a cat, in her opinion) and shattering Ashleys favorite glass teacups that she had collected from around the world. With one fell swipe of Tigers paw, Ashleys cups were crumbs.

One of the reasons Tiger was so sassy was that she didnt feel wanted.

For one thing, she felt largely neglected, as her servants spent crazy amounts of time glued to their screens, large, medium, and small. There was a tiny one they pounded on with their fingers and stuck to their ears, a medium one they shopped at Forever 21 on, and a large one that showed people kissing and crying. Ew.

Another reason she didnt feel wanted was she heard a wild rumor from her next door neighbor Kibbles and Bits that her servants secretly wanted a dog, not a cat. Apparently, the Changs had bought a non-refundable puppy at Purrs and Grrs that had developed a mysterious eye disease and upon trying to return it, had been stuck with a cat--her.

It was rough being the second choice, but Tiger was trying to convey to her servants with everything she ate, drank, and did that she was a royal feline descended from the Asian leopard. Why, even her fur shone like gold in the sun, which should be an indicator of her royal lineage.

In the end, though, Tiger suspected that the Chang family did love her--even though they frequently joked about selling her on eBay.

She would get them back for that.

How could such a tiny creature have so much energy and confidence? was the

thought that went through each member of the Chang family from day one. Tiger craved attention every waking moment like a newborn baby to its mother. If she felt she was not getting the attention she deserved, she would swipe things off the table in plain view of everyone and carelessly watch it fall to the floor with a loud bang. She also found evil joy in hiding in corners and attacking Ashleys feet when she least expected it, many times resulting in Ashley almost having a heart attack. It was as if her family members were mere board games pieces for her to play with. Tiger lived in the moment. She had to be at the center of action, whether it be Alice washing dishes or Ashley putting on contacts. They often wondered how in the world she was capable of being at two places at once.

Despite Tigers exasperating quirks and exuberant personality, the Chang family

still loved her, although they frequently joked about selling her on eBay. In life you are either the passenger or the pilot and in Tigers world, she sure was

the pilot navigating the plane she called her home.