ALIENATED

DRAMATIS PERSONAE THE PSYCHOLOGIST, ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Focus of the plot. He is involved in nearly all of the individual stories. Everybody turns to him in despair. In the end everyone gets well and he goes mad. Alfonso Antoniozzi THE NUTRITIONISTA, MONTSERRAT MERCURI A vegan health fanatic, practises yoga, lights up Ayurvedic salt lamps 24/7, constantly stressed-out and unaware that her husband is unfaithful to her. Daniela Barcellona THE CHEF, GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO A self-proclaimed food expert who actually lives off canned food and junk food because he doesn’t know how to cook. Quite vain. Roberto De Candia THE MUSICIAN, JOHNNY CORELLI A singer, maestro in all that pertains to music; he has a wide (albeit inattentive) following of pupils on the web, 90% of whom are Chinese who can’t speak Italian. At present he limits himself to organizing singing flash-mobs in condominiums. Luciano Ganci THE BEAUTIFUL SINGLE WOMAN, MARGARITA MARTINI Forever in search of a twin soul to invite to endless cocktail parties, later tempted by the dangerous charm of the Thief Jessica Pratt THE DISSATISFIED MOTHER. (Home Wrecker), THAIS VALERY She is single, her hobby is to destroy happy families by stealing husbands. In the meantime, she is over-protective of her angelic young daughter. Davinia Rodriguez

THE GENTLEMAN THIEF, MISTER X Professional house burglar, presently in a crisis due to a lack of work, seeks escape (in all senses of the word) Nicola Ulivieri CORELLI'S WIFE, ARCANGELA CORELLI Giorgia Serracchiani DAUGHTER OF THE DISSATISFIED MOTHER, MARDÌ VALERY Nearly 10, very active, and definitely more perceptive and intelligent than her mother thinks. Sofia Frizza LAWYER GARBUGLI (Jumble) Husband of the nutritionist and lover of the home-wrecker, only appears at the end of the opera with a few offstage quips

ALIENATED Opera in smart working Subject: Stefano Valanzuolo Libretto: Vincenzo de Vivo PROLOGUE Surprised by the sudden landing of an alien spaceship and in the throes of terror, a group of bizarre characters, forced to stay in the house (own or others), finds nothing better to do than rely on the famous psychologist Romano Antoniazzo. He soon finds himself overwhelmed by frantic requests for help online. Two appliances are ringing at the same time. Who will the Psychologist answer? We can help him choose... The screen is divided into four parts. A TV set is on in each part, displaying the same announcement: YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! AN ALIEN SPACESHIP HAS BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY ABOVE ITALY.

CITIZENS ARE REQUIRED TO STAY INDOORS AND AVOID ANY FORM OF PUBLIC GATHERING UNTIL FURTHER

NOTICE.

OFFENDERS WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDING TO THE LAW.

CORELLI’S WIFE Come quick… look…there’s an alert…on TV JOHNNY CORELLI What? A UFO? It must be a joke! Change channel! The wife switches, but every channel displays the same announcement. MONSERRAT MERCURI A state of emergency! On TV! GUALTIERO CRACCOVACCIUOLO What on earth is happening? THAIS VALERY What is this thing? What is it! MARGARITA MARTINI They’ve interrupted all programs! It’s a state of emergency! MISTER X Why was the program interrupted?! (He watches the screen while frantically clicking the remote control) What? How? All four channels broadcast the same message, with a slight delay from one another: STAY INDOORS UNTIL THE EMERGENCY IS OVER STAY AT HOME UNTIL THE ALERT ENDS JOHNNY CORELLI Until the end of the ALERT… MARGARITA MARTINI In the hour of death. AMEN! GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Pray God, because only by his favor… MONTSERRAT MERCURI Star of the Sailors, Holy Virgin! THAIS VALERY Why, why oh Lord… MISTER X Pray Mary, for me! Romano Antoniazzo appears on all screens.

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Do as you please. I wouldn’t know which Saint to pray to.

SCENE ONE The cell phone ring ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Hallo, yes, doctor Romano Antoniazzo speaking, who’s calling? … sure… an appointment by phone, obviously, here we can't leave the house. Let me see… this evening 8 p. m…what do you mean you can’t wait that long?… I’m sorry, I can’t do it earlier… Bear with me …we can speak later…what, a video call? Yes, it’s possible…I don’t see any problem… No, excuse me, can’t you anticipate what the problem is...Unfortunately I can’t stay on the phone any longer… The house phone rings Ah, there! I’m sorry… 8 o’clock this evening then. Have a good day. Picks up the house phone Hallo! Good morning Madam … sure … tomorrow’s appointment, yes, we can make it a phone appointment, if you wish…No, I can’t any earlier. Calm down, try doing some physical exercises, and relax … Yes, of course, physical exercise … Speak to you tomorrow, Madam. Hangs up with a sigh of relief And all I am is their psychoanalyst The cell phone rings Good morning Colonel, …what? You didn’t sleep? Why? ... Oh, I understand, but weren’t you taking your drops? … Ah, they don’t seem to be doing the trick! For the dosage you have to ask a specialist, not me…ask your family doctor. … He can’t be found…I’m sorry, I can’t help you…Yes, sure, by all means get up and open the window… Then take two or three deep breaths… you’ll feel better… Good, I’ll see you in a couple of days… No, any earlier is out of the question. I wish you a good day Colonel! Hangs up I can’t take this any more. Ruinous phone, monstrous mobile! Why are you all tormenting me? What’s with all the constant ringing? Why call me, for my sins, Without a moment’s peace? What shall I do? Where shall I go? What a hassle! I’m a professional, and greatly esteemed: A Freudian psychologist, I’ve got what it takes, With classy clients to match. I was happy, everything was looking good, But now I’m stuck indoors, at the mercy of all: Short of breath, nerves all a-fraying, I have hives all over, from head to foot, With blood pressure nice and high to boot. And with aliens above us and below us, oh heavens! I’m more alienated than anyone, at sixes and sevens! Things used to be calm: My diary was neat and tidy, And phone calls were there none, From Saturday to Friday, Buzzing flies? A thing unheard. My beloved secretary Filtered everything for me. So my patients were patient the whole day through: They came in on tiptoe, Moving chairs to one side, They stayed put like children. I looked them in the eyes,

Nodded now and then, And hid a little smile Whenever they cried, Listening to them, uttering the odd Quiet word, as if to one side. The telephone and the cell phone ring at the same time Again? Help! What shall I do? Speak…refuse…turn off…I don’t know... How I hate this madness And all those awful ringtones, I can’t stand the ringing any more But I don’t dislike my patients, Don’t want to lose my clients… But don’t let them speak, Let them write: They’ve got the address And the postcode too. Let them pick up their pens And let them not hassle With ringtones and messages, Beeps and whatsapps!

SCENE TWO A

The Nutritionist (MONTSERRAT MERCURI), an expert in souls and bodies, is in embalm: her husband, the lawyer

Garbugli, has left for a congress and, because of the alien lockdown, fails to return. What's more, he's not even

answering the phone. The Psychologist advises her to insist on looking for him and, if he does not answer, to let go, to

console himself, to the "pleasures of the flesh". Montserrat, a self-styled militant vegan, is horrified by this prospect.

Then he reflects on it, and he gets busy...

The home of Montserrat Mercuri, nutritionist. Montserrat is agitated, she calls her psychoanalyst, who does not answer. She hangs up, calls again. The doctor finally answers. Oh doctor, thank you! Luckly you answered…this is Montserrat, yes, Montserrat Mercuri, the nutritionist…I left you a message…No, please, I really need you… Couldn’t you now? ... Just a minute… thank you, thankyou Doctor. I am here at home, alone… …No fear... …I feel safe… …I keep calm, and yet I should be all right - I have all I need: I bought provisions To fill up a truck The fridge is choc-a-bloc With goji berries; There’s no lack of Greek yoghurt Or kefir either. Down in the cellar are Whole wheat flours, Stacks of grain And plenty of seitan; Soy sprouts, Brown sugar, And ginger in chunks (Of which I am fond). …oh no, what are you thinking? Food is important, A fundamental aspect Of my beloved trade. But it’s not everything, And I eat very little. To me it’s almost a game. Do I sound rather snobbish? Of course, doctor Yes, I’ll get to the point. I already have a lump In my throat. I miss my husband! He went to a conference… He’s a lawyer… And now he’s locked down Far from here. Six hundred kilometers, Coming back is forbidden, For the time being he’s secluded And stays in his room.

If he’d taken me with him

We’d have been a pair, Secluded together Not alone, like this. (She breaks into tears) You understand doctor, Now I miss him. It wears me out, it kills me, To think he’s over there… Not even yoga Relaxes me, I get so worked up, I just don’t know… Amuse myself? What do you mean? Be more precise. What? Some form of recreation? On my own, oh no! What are you saying doctor? I’m not accustomed to The pleasures of the flesh. Being a passionate vegan, That’s just not on! As I told you, I absolutely Do not eat meat! What did you say? No? I thought you were talking about food … Someone To play with me? Like Meetic? It's really I quick? A video chat. This man is mad! But who knows? Maybe I’d like it? More yes than no… Can I handle it? You say There is no risk I’ll give it a go! Who knows? It can’t do any harm… Think about it? Not any more. If you put it like that, I’ll say yes!

SCENE TWO B Mr. X is a professional apartment thief in abstinence crisis. For the alien emergency, in fact, the houses are always full of people and the streets of police. Mr. X, not being able to work, is depressed. The Psychologist advises him to indulge in a bit of evasion. And, in any case, to keep your lawyer alive... You never know. In his study, the psychologist Romano Antoniazzo reads a newly arrived message. Please doctor, I’m out of my head. Call me now or it’ll be curtains. It’s now or never. Double three seven two one double three. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO OK, I’ll go for never. He tries to go back to sleep, then lifts up his head and thinks it over before dialing the number in video call… The video of the caller is rather dark: the hands can be seen well, but not the face. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Good morning! MISTER X Is that you doctor? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You called me! MISTER X Help me please, I’m desperate! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO And never was life so dear to you… MISTER X What did you say? I didn’t get it! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Nothing, nothing. Just speaking to myself. Now, you were saying, What’s your name?… MISTER X My name? You’re not suggesting I will talk?… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Now, listen sir, I did not call you. You called me. MISTER X I should explain, my God… I can’t tell you, I can’t disclose this. Please try to understand… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO One must never ask… MISTER X What? Excuse me… how? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You want to remain anonymous.

MISTER X Unfortunately, I must. The name… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Use a pseudonym. MISTER X Mister X, that’s mimetic… Or, Mister Nemo ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Isn’t that a bit hermetic? MISTER X Zorro? Come on. That’s stupid ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Choose one. Now! MISTER X My head’s mixed up… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Get down to it. MISTER X Mister X it is then! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Age? MISTER X Forty-ish… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You’re being vague… The thief’s face is seen on the screen. He wears a half-mask ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Why the mask? MISTER X Perhaps I’m shy… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Tell me your problem, the reason you called. MISTER X I’m terrified… I’m out of work… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Where did you use to work? MISTER X Upper-class establishments… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Your job? MISTER X On the spot investigations. I spent the nights there…

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO With the usual well-known people? MISTER X Yes… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Where? MISTER X In the smoke-filled drawing rooms. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO That are empty now. MISTER X Worse than that! They’re crowded! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO And now, as you’re out of work, You’re feeling hard done by. You feel half dead, As sad as can be. MISTER X Trapped within four walls, In my own home too! I’m a prey to folly, Don’t know what to do! Me! In love with other people’s homes; Me! Who appreciates other people’s things. It’s a constant torment Having to stay at home. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Put up with it. You can’t go around With the aliens here. MISTER X What shall I do? I’ve had a gut-full… Oops! I can’t do it. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You need a hobby, you need to escape… MISTER X Sure, I feel like I’m in jail…

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Think of a pastime, at least… MISTER X Believe you me, I was never an idler. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Crosswords, Sudoku, cards… MISTER X Cards yes, I keep them to one side For the dark days… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Playing cards?

MISTER X Credit cards! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO A professional! Credit where it’s due! Now the picture is clear: So, you work as a … MISTER X A thief! And here I feel as if I’m in jail ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Evasion is the answer! The mind may wander - If the body may not… MISTER X But, how? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Yes, think of sex, chat rooms, Meetic and Tinder, web contacts MISTER X Yes, but… for evasion? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Nothing better. MISTER X I’ll try it now. Hoping it’ll calm the temptation To put evasion into practice. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO In this case, a word of warning: No psychologist but a lawyer instead!

SCENE THREE A Montserrat, the nutritionist, desperately searches for her husband on the phone. After many attempts, someone finally answers her: she is a little girl, her name is Mardi, and she is the daughter of Thais Valery, the Family Ruin, more or less official lover of the lawyer Garbugli. The lawyer, in fact, surprised by the lockdown at Thais' house, was locked in a hurry and fury in the cellar by the lover, to hide it in Mardi. To the little girl, her mother makes her believe that she's an alien. But Mardi, he got it all figured out. And maybe Even Montserrat...

Nutritionist Montserrat Mercuri tries for the thousandth time to call her husband. The phone rings insistently. Eventually a child’s voice answers. MARDÌ VALERY Hello, this is the Valery’s, who’s speaking please? MONTSERRAT MERCURI Excuse me my dear. I got the wrong number… Hangs up and dials again MONTSERRAT MERCURI Hallo! MARDÌ VALERY Hallo, it’s you again. Who are you looking for? MONTSERRAT MERCURI Lawyer Garbugli, my husband. MARDÌ VALERY There’s no lawyer here, although we could do with one, I think… Right mother? The mother, Thais Valery, grabs the phone from her daughter and gestures for her to be quiet. Then answers mawkishly THAIS VALERY Good morning, who am I talking to? MONTSERRAT MERCURI Mercuri, and who are you? I’m the lawyer’s wife. This is his number, But where is he? THAIS VALERY He can’t answer now. You see, he’s busy And his phone… He gave it to me.. MONTSERRAT MERCURI What? What? What do you mean he’s busy? What’s he doing? THAIS VALERY I think he’s presenting his report to the conference… MONTSERRAT MERCURI What on earth are you saying? THAIS VALERY It was his turn, yes, right now… MONTSERRAT MERCURI What? Now …? THAIS VALERY Coincidence...

MONTSERRAT MERCURI Why have you got his phone? THAIS VALERY He left it with me… MONTSERRAT MERCURI His turn? What report? His conference was cancelled. It’s in the papers…But who are you? THAIS VALERY Hallo? I can’t hear you… speak louder… MONTSERRAT MERCURI Hallo, can you hear me? What are you doing? Are you there? Thais hangs up laughing. MARDÌ VALERY Which conference mother? Who is the lawyer? THAIS VALERY Nobody dear… someone who made a mistake.

Bangs on the wall and yells are heard. MARDÌ VALERY Mother, can you hear the noise? THAIS VALERY Which noise, dear? MARDÌ VALERY Below, in the cellar, someone’s banging and yelling, As if they were drunk. THAIS VALERY I’ll go and lock the doors. MARDÌ VALERY I hear him well, Mother. He’s yelling “shithead”! THAIS VALERY Don’t say bad words, I won’t have it… MARDÌ VALERY I’m not saying them, but someone down below is… THAIS VALERY You must have heard wrong. MARDÌ VALERY Anyway, there’s someone inside there! THAIS VALERY All right, there is someone. I’ll tell you. Sits the girl on her lap. THAIS VALERY Last night, while we were sleeping, I heard a noise in the garden.

I went downstairs very quietly, And I found a sort of robot! The alien crossed the corridor, Went down to the cellar. I thought about it for a while, Slammed the door and locked him in. Now he’ll stay there for some time. The girl looks at her mother, unbelieving. MARDÌ VALERY And why does that alien say “shithead”? THAIS VALERY You misheard, he’s saying “pithead”. Perhaps that’s where he planned to land, And the other aliens are waiting for him… MARDÌ VALERY Could be…but I didn’t hear “pithead”… The girl shrugs and leaves, not convinced at all. The mother watches her leave, then blurts out THAIS VALERY He’s no alien! He’s not even A real man, Nor a gentleman. He’s a bad mannered Lawyer. Nevertheless, He is my lover. He has a wife, Jealous indeed, And could never Come and see me With a shrewd plan He told his wife That, by great luck, He was invited, All expenses paid, To a conference Later in the month. This happened a month ago. In fact yesterday, He came over.

But… He arrived early. I was waiting for the girl’s father to come and get her. Then there was the alert for aliens. Everyone was stopped. The father didn’t come and the daughter stayed at home. I lost it, and locked my lover in the cellar. I didn’t want my little girl to see him. She’s too small and defenceless, she couldn’t bear it. In the meantime he went crazy. He’s afraid of everything. He says he suffers from claustrophobia. He bangs his head on the wall. He’s no alien! He’s not even A real man, Nor a gentleman. He’s a bad mannered

Lawyer. Nevertheless, He is my lover. What shall I invent? What shall I do? Oh heaven help me Or I will go mad! The girl comes back MARDÌ VALERY Mother, your friend is destroying our cellar… Why don’t you call his wife and ask her to come get him? All she needs to do is bring along her self-certification. This is a case of extreme necessity…is it not?

SCENE THREE B Since the Psychologist has talked about the pleasures of meat, the Nutritionist, vegan in the way of redemption, decides to take a look at the site of a famous chef, Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo, alleged maitre de cuisine and true cialtrone. Which will try to bribe her, suggesting a riot of cholesterol. As the computer screen scrolls down, the nutritionist feasts compulsively on goji berries and soy sprouts. Suddenly she shouts: (spoken) Jerusalem-artichoke parmigiana! Here it is: now I recall! I want it. I’m going to get in touch with the author of the recipe, no less than the well known chef…Gualtiero Craccovacciuolo. MONTSERRAT MERCURI Good morning! My name is Montserrat Mercuri. I’m a nutritionist. GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Good morning madam, happy to meet you. How can I help you? MONTSERRAT MERCURI I’m calling about your recipe, The Jerusalem-artichoke parmigiana, I find it marvelous, perfect, I’d like to cook it right now. However, it’s not quite clear to me Whether I should use a local tuber, Or a Finnish variety, more compact, Or the Estonian tuber, more tender and healthy. Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo I find your question interesting, And – strictly between you and me – The kinds of tubers are many, But if you’ve run out, do without. Well… they also call it German turnip Or, Jerusalem artichoke: If you can’t find a nice, fresh turnip Use broccolini, minus the sprouts. MONTSERRAT MERCURI Broccolini, what a splendid alternative! Boiled or steamed? Perhaps I may add, there, then and there, A fragrance of sandal, a hint of… Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo Steam cooked? No, that’s against nature. The parmigiana needs frying! MONTSERRAT MERCURI Must I fry it? Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo Fry it in a pan! MONTSERRAT MERCURI Seed oil? Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo That’s a good one! Seed or olive oil, forget it. Frying is done with lard.

MONTSERRAT MERCURI I see, I fry it and dry it, I cover it with sauce in a tureen, And add goat cheese, but in flakes… GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO No, no, that would be a travesty! Use fresh buffalo-mozzarella cheese If you wish the dish to be a success! MONTSERRAT MERCURI But won’t that make it a bit stodgy? Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo Why, does that matter? MONTSERRAT MERCURI But… the calories? Gualtiero Craccavacciuolo Fear them not! MONTSERRAT MERCURI And cholesterol? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Drown it in Nebbiolo! MONTSERRAT MERCURI You speak about wine? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO The red is divine! Barolo or Barbera If you dine in the evening, Bonarda and Amarone If you breakfast. Even with a snack Be sure to have wine: At any time of the day Wine is good for you madam! MONTSERRAT MERCURI You cheered me up! GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO And now I must be off… MONTSERRAT MERCURI One more moment GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Very well, as it’s you…but be quick... MONTSERRAT MERCURI One more recipe? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO With all my heart I’ll give you the best: Order somewhere What you wish to eat. What a great comfort Is take-away food! Tunisian kebab… I think it’s the biz!

Cheeseburger, double! The opium of the people! You’ll see, with fast food Everything is good!

SCENE THREE C Mr. X is looking on the web for someone who can give him advice on evasion. He is attracted to a site dedicated to the Art of Escape, but only too late he realizes that it is music that is spoken, and not techniques to escape. He will get acquainted with Johnny Corelli, singer and lecturer of Conservatory segregated in the house, along with his wife Arcangela, from the neighbors, enraged after Johnny tried to involve them in a series too dense of flashmob songs from the balcony. The thief is on edge. He’s looking nervously at the computer. MISTER X I can’t stand this house a minute longer. Always the same place, so boring. I need to see more houses…Even the doctor said so: “Evasion. You need to escape”. Here I see a forum on the web that is what I want: “The Art of Fugue”. Let me connect at once… (N.B. The Italian word ‘fuga’ has a number of meanings. It can mean escape or breakout (as in the context of a prison) and it also corresponds to the musical contrapuntal technique (fugue). Mister X seeks evasion, or escape, metaphorical and real, but Corelli’s understanding is musical. The double meaning is untranslatable) JOHNNY CORELLI (sung) GOOOtt, welch Dunkel hier … (Fidelio) (spoken) Mister X I beg your pardon? JOHNNY CORELLI I said it is dark! Who are you? MISTER X I’m contacting you about the art of fugue… JOHNNY CORELLI Fugue…If only…! (He turns and shouts) Come on, enlarge that hole, you can’t see a thing in here… MISTER X What’s that? JOHNNY CORELLI I wasn’t speaking to you. Back to us. What did you want, the fugue? MISTER X Yes, thank you! I want it! (sung) JOHNNY CORELLI Don’t you know it’s too late for the fugue, The lesson was over an hour ago. You are clinging to me like a blood-sucker And now you want me to start again… go to! You must come punctual to my lessons Or go to blazes. Do you think I get paid overtime? You want a fugue at this time? You must be joking. MISTER X But the site says “enter the forum”. I did, and here I am now. JOHNNY CORELLI All I care is to reach the quorum At the exact time. Who’s there is there. I’ve had enough of this rigmarole: Remote lessons via internet.

Every morning I get cut off, The connection comes back, then I lose it again, how come? I am not fit for this business, I’m going to quit it all. Yes, but… MISTER X Don’t drop me, colleague… JOHNNY CORELLI Colleague? We aren’t even on first name terms. MISTER X Excuse me please, I…I didn’t want… JOHNNY CORELLI I am a Maestro. Maestro, nothing more. MISTER X Excuse me, Maestro… JOHNNY CORELLI Now that’s cleared up. You seem new here. Another one enrolled. How many like you have they enrolled? Someone is against me. Well, since we are here, let’s go on. What vocal range do you have, young man? MISTER X In what sense, Maestro? JOHNNY CORELLI How do you sing? MISTER X Never did, not even as a child! JOHNNY CORELLI What key do you adopt? MISTER X More than one… JOHNNY CORELLI Do you know the seven clefs? MISTER X No, not that one. JOHNNY CORELLI My lad, that is a serious gap… MISTER X But I do have the skeleton key. JOHNNY CORELLI How now! I got it: Looks like we’ll have to start all over. MISTER X What about the fugue? JOHNNY CORELLI Are you crazy? (aside) This one promises trouble.

(to Mister X) You don’t know the keys and you already want the fugue? MISTER X Where’s the problem? JOHNNY CORELLI You need time and dedication, Take your time… MISTER X Time Maestro? I haven’t any. JOHNNY CORELLI Well, if you haven’t, my lad, I’ll be bound if I have! Hangs up Another one out of love with music! Whilst I, who would do anything for music, what a great trouble I have to endure!

See those long faces Those sad expressions, Who, for my bad luck, live in this house.

All by myself I have tried To lift their morale… I think it’s normal To want to cheer them up

And with our friends - Who are qualified people - We go and sing on the terraces above.

At six o’clock Tatangelo, At nine Masini, Then Elettra Lamborghini, Povia at 11 p.m.

At midnight sharp They got me: Four guys brought me Down to the cellar They walled me up alive and Here I am in the dark. There’s a hole in the wall That lets the air in. I hope that at noon They give me some lunch: That’s all the hope I am left with. (sung) GOOOtt, welch Dunkel hier (Fidelio) (spoken) Make that hole bigger, I can’t see ...please, I asked you before… what manners!

Walled up for a bit of music! Was that such a big request? A chorus flash-mob, a couple of times a day… everyday… well, alright… the neighbors…fine people! You are humiliating me this way. I am an aaaaartist! No, they can’t do this: I’m calling my lawyer, now! He dials the lawyer’s number and doesn’t let him speak on answering. The person who picks up the phone is actually the daughter of the home wrecker. MARDÌ VALERY Good morning, this is NOT the lawyer’s secr… The Musician all at once gives uninterrupted vent to his anxiety. JOHNNY CORELLI Good morning Lawyer Garbugli sir. Listen to me! No, please let me speak… I have been kidnapped! Do you understand … You must rescue me! You can. They have locked and walled me up. Here I don’t know what to do, I’ve even done distance teaching And it took me quite a while To get the hundred Chinese Of the conservatory class together: After five minutes - a funeral! They were all dozing. Anyway… …now I’m at the end of my tether, Suffering from claustrophobia, And I reckon I’ll do something reckless If I’m not set free! He stops to take a breath and the girl grabs her opportunity to speak. MARDÌ VALERY I’m sorry sir, but the lawyer can’t help you… JOHNNY CORELLI What? Why can’t he help me? MARDÌ VALERY He’s locked up in the cellar. JOHNNY CORELLI Him as well? There’s always someone worse off in the world… MARDÌ VALERY Would you like to talk to my mother? JOHNNY CORELLI No thanks, I don’t want to talk to your mother. Actually… do you know you have a fine little voice? MARDÌ VALERY Thank you! JOHNNY CORELLI Have you ever taken singing lessons? MARDÌ VALERY No. Why? JOHNNY CORELLI Do you know Elettra Lamborghini?

MARDÌ VALERY No sir. JOHNNY CORELLI Pity. But what if we started straight away? Come on! Something nice and easy… Repeat with me: Heidi, Heidi, the mountains smile at you… Heidi, Heidi, the kid goats say hallo to you…

SCENE THREE D Always looking for escape, Mister X joins a gallant dating site and comes across Margarita Martini, a single no longer a teenager with an unhinged passion for social media and cocktails. Basically, an ethlist. The woman soon became infatuated with the mysterious suitor, but they are not roses and will not flourish. In Margarita you will only have to return to the whirlwind of selfies and alcohol. The Single is putting the finishing touches to her make up in front of the mirror. She seems satisfied with the results. Having finished, it’s time for a selfie. MARGARITA MARTINI Look how this pose becomes me, This pose, too, actually… And this one looks amazing… The phone rings That’s my phone! I wonder who it is? I’m irresistible, And I don’t ask why. If men are after me There must be a reason. Being inaccessible? That’s not me at all. If someone’s looking for me, I answer. Now let’s see who this is. A message appears on the computer screen. The Single reads it eagerly. “I am looking for escape…” Are you there? What are you doing / You won’t be sorry. If you want, you may/ find me if you are bored. And then with me/ you can make your dreams come true. You want me? You’ll have me! / It’s now or never! A second message appears on the screen. “If you like mystery, I’m yours. Call me!” Oh! Come quick. You’ve aroused My curiosity. You’ll see that the surprise Will add to the pleasure! You’ll see what a spicy morsel is in store: warm and inviting, it’ll soon soothe your hunger. The thief phones her. MARGARITA MARTINI Hallo! Tell me who you are. MISTER X I am Mister X, and you? MARGARITA MARTINI I am Bloody Mary!

MISTER X Ok. Happy to meet... how do you do… Perhaps you are a fan of British history? MARGARITA MARTINI Fie! I love not that country. I love cocktails instead! Are you single or married? MISTER X That’s a long story … I’d describe my situation as Temporary freedom… MARGARITA MARTINI I am always free… When I am not engaged, Let’s say semi-free… MISTER X Maybe you are separated? MARGARITA MARTINI Isn’t it enough for you to know That I am alone now? MISTER X And, could I see you? MARGARITA MARTINI Oh yes, stay connected… I’ll send you my photo It’s a selfie And you, on the other hand, mysterious beauty? Send me your picture. They exchange photos. The thief’s is a police mugshot, clearly a mistake. MARGARITA MARTINI What kind of a photo is this? Criminal record? MISTER X What have I done? What did I send! How pathetic … MARGARITA MARTINI This is crazy… MISTER X The police mugshot. MARGARITA MARTINI You’re a criminal! MISTER X You have rather bad manners MARGARITA MARTINI A good-for-nothing!

MISTER X Now hang on a minute! MARGARITA MARTINI A bandit perhaps? Right or wrong? MISTER X Now you understand. Let me explain. I am a gentleman thief. Like Diabolik who, from the roof, As though out of a comic strip, Will materialize for you! MARGARITA MARTINI You speak like a real man, Come, rush, I am waiting for you, Come up, climb down off the roof: I’m ready, I’m here! MISTER X I challenge and break all prohibitions, I’m coming, I’m running, I’m flying, I’m on my way. Bang on time for the aperitif, I will be in your arms. MARGARITA MARTINI Yes, let’s infringe all decrees! Come over for a transgressive cocktail. At aperitif time, I shall open you my arms to you.

SCENE THREE E Accepting the Psychologist's invitation, Mr. X immediately seeks his lawyer. It's Garbugli, of course. The usual cheeky Mardi answers the phone, as the lawyer is locked in the cellar. In the end, Mister X will not be able to talk to Garbugli but, on the other hand, he will find a fruitful collaboration agreement with his mother, Thais, eager to replace the lawyer with a more reliable partner. At the home of the home wrecker, the lawyer’s phone rings. The young girl replies. MARDÌ VALERY Good morning, the lawyer cannot answer. He is locked in the cellar for a conference. I’ll pass you his secretary Passes the phone to her mother. Thais Valery Good morning. If it’s for Lawyer Garbugli you can talk to me. Unless you’re calling on behalf of that idiot wife of his… It’s a work-related matter? What’s your job? Oh, I see. Look for another one, if you can… Another lawyer, not another job. I think he’ll be staying here for a while longer. He’s been locked in the cellar For three days at least, And doesn’t seem willing to Get out of there. He keeps on talking Can’t keep quiet, But he surely won’t Cross the threshold. And between you and me, He’s a bit of a bore, And always complaining, He’s not up to much. As a lawyer, I mean, What were you thinking? I didn’t say he lacks experience… He isn’t… thorough. As a lawyer I mean! And, for all it’s worth, My opinion Only concerns his profession. And in this regard, tell me: What is your job? Oh, you visit houses… An interesting job! Country houses Or town residences? From what you are saying It must be exciting… The latest technologies Valuable objects… Of course, yes, very dear…. Now I guess! You do a splendid job,

You are a burglar! Don’t you need a partner who’s wily and deft? Like me, I mean! I’ve got an idea, Come here and listen. I’ll set up the scam: It can’t go wrong. I’ve had a tip-off: You get inside And whatever you find We’ll split between two. No reservations, No ifs nor buts, Let’s quickly Set up a partnership To begin with I have a project to propose: I happen to have a set of keys…that belong to a house downtown…high class… A lawyer; yes, him… If the house is empty? No, there’s a silly little girl, but I can sidetrack her with an overdose of kefir…What do you reckon? Do you like the idea? I’ve got a nose For business, And I’m not afraid In the least. That’s agreed then, Come at once. And, later, You’ll know all the rest! She’ s interrupted by the young girl MARDÌ VALERY Mother, mother, your friend’s stopped making noise… What’s going on? THAIS VALERY My friend? What are you saying my child...? (Professionally to the thief) Excuse me but I must call you back…my daughter needs me. Good evening! My friend? What are you saying my child…? These aliens have really scared you. Or perhaps it’s the TV? Too much TV is bad… My friend in the cellar? That’s a good one! Come here, let’s order some Kefir online, come here…

In the end, all the characters of "Alienati" will return to the Psychologist, looking for quick and effective solutions. And their stories will tresman unpredictably, in a kind of demented rounding to which poor Antoniazzo, exasperated, escapes only by throwing himself into the arms of the aliens! The psychologist has fallen asleep with his head on the computer keyboard. The phone rings. He wakes with a start. He gropes around for the phone and grabs it. For a moment, he’s undecided if he should answer or go back to sleep. He takes a deep breath and answers. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Hallo, who’s speaking? MONTSERRAT MERCURI Help me doctor! It is me, Montserrat… He’s about to say something rude, but gets a grip and answers courteously. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Good evening madam, what can I do for you? MONTSERRAT MERCURI I heard someone putting the key in the lock. I ran, thinking it was my husband… or, worse still, an alien… But it was a thief. Imagine! A thief! Reeeeeally good looking, like Diabolik! And now, to complete the picture: Click! I changed the keys in a flash, And the lock as well, Made everything safe, So he can’t come in…

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I understand, now you are afraid…

MONSERRAT MERCURI That my husband may come back. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO What about the thief? MONTSERRAT MERCURI He stays here. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Good, the guest is welcome… MONTSERRAT MERCURI Yes, that’s quite right! I won’t let him escape. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Keep him there with you, You might even marry him… MONTSERRAT MERCURI Yes I want him! And I know why… (turning to the thief) Tell me love, do you want to stay? I’ll be your Eva Kant… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Well done, keep it up, now spoil him! Then decide, sell or rent!

MONTSERRAT MERCURI I’ll buy him! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Spoil him a lot! MONTSERRAT MERCURI Diabo, do you know what has befallen you? Greek yoghurt with fresh berries! Close your eyes, open your mouth… Oh, how wonderfully unexpected… By this time the nutritionist has let go of the phone and doesn’t answer any more. The psychologist puts the phone down. Romano Antoniazzo I’m hanging up. She’s not listening to me any more anyway. Cell phone rings. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Again? Now who can it be? He answers. It’s the musician. JOHNNY CORELLI Zu hilfe, Zu hilfe, I’m overcome with sorrow! Zu hilfe, zu hilfe, help me doctor This is a tragic time For a composer… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Cling to The Magic Flute… JOHNNY CORELLI What are you saying? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I’m saying that perhaps, It can provide inspiration… JOHNNY CORELLI I have no more resources Here in isolation… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Compose! JOHNNY CORELLI I’ve already composed Here, in my cave, A demanding piece of Modern music! Four and a half minutes Of perfect silence! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO That’s already been written and sold, Ages ago. JOHNNY CORELLI I am composing for the aliens, Something infinite… Ah yes, unbridled too,

Inspiration has come again: A suite on the planets, That’s the right idea. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Already been done, and pretty well, A hundred years ago: sorry. JOHNNY CORELLI A serenade to the moon, The beloved satellite… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You’re really out of luck: Beautifully done years ago. JOHNNY CORELLI How shall I survive The epochal change? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Why don’t you think about writing A piece for the theatre? Johnny Corelli Yes, people lost… The impending alien … Humans annihilated… I have the title: Alienated! Finishes the conversation

The phone rings before he can even catch his breath. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Hallo! MISTER X Help me doctor. The woman with the girl had assured me It was going to be a cinch. Quite the contrary… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO The contrary? MISTER X Here I am tied to a chair, at the mercy of a fat lady who eats liver-sausage and tripe and calls me Diabolik. Diabo actually! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Could be worse. Tickle your mouth! Titillate your palate! Forget all else. MISTER X Doctor, the problem is: the tripe and sausages are only for her She fobs me off with Siamese berries Then she doles out Danish moulds, Vegan food Allergy-free Lithuanian mushrooms, Algae and lichens, Cabbage wrapped In soaked garlic, Ginger melted in maple syrup, Barley with arugula, Millet and couscous Tofu with turmeric Tajine and hummus.

Whole wheat Miso soup Vegan snacks Of oats and rice, Quinoa in vinegar, Spelt, bulgur Mustard and dill, Jerusalem artichoke. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Bon appetit! And say hallo to your Eva Kant Ends conversation ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Jerusalem artichoke parmigiana style,

is not bad at all Hardly manages to stop speaking than the cellphone rings. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Oh no, again…I’ve had enough! He answers reluctantly ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Good evening… It’s the Home Wrecker THAIS VALERY Doctor, help me! The idiot in tights and black mask gave in, like a moron, to the appeal of sex. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Well my lady, it’s known that man is a hunter… THAIS VALERY No, he’s just an idiot. He went to carry out a robbery, I even gave him the keys… Instead he went in, sat at the table and didn’t move! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I suspect something ties him to the lady of the house… THAIS VALERY Yes, a rope he says. But I think it’s something else ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I’ve got an idea, madam: go down to the cellar, set the lawyer free, tell him to Dash off home … That’ll provoke a real scandal! THAIS VALERY What a wonderful idea! I confess that I’d already thought of something similar… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO What are you waiting for? Go! THAIS VALERY I lost the key. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Scatter-brain, Do you really not recall Where you left it? THAIS VALERY I lost it doctor… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO You will find it. THAIS VALERY What if he dies? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO That won’t happen

Perhaps you can break down the door to the cellar… THAIS VALERY But that would be a real commotion and my child might get upset… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Put the girl to bed… Then go get the tools THAIS VALERY I feel like a fool… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Calm down, you can. Take a deep breath… Hold it… Take another… THAIS VALERY I already feel dizzy. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Remain seated… Rest an hour or so. Sleeping helps you… And then …there’s no hurry… The Home Wrecker seems to have fallen asleep. The psychologist ends all communication. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Oh, finally! The mad woman has calmed down. And now some peace … for me too… My job is tough… Calming down the others and keeping myself calm… No easy task… The cellphone rings again. It’s a video-call. The face of the chef appears. GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Help me Doctor. I have do a TV programme live from my home ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Well, fame at last! What more do you want? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO I have to talk about cooking and recipes, And teach how to make elaborate dishes… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO My compliments chef, it will be a success. GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Success? / I’m depressed… I’ll be in trouble / It’ll be a disaster! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Are you serious? Why would A well-known chef /end up in trouble? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO It must be nearly a thousand years, My dear doctor, That I haven’t cooked At home for myself.

I don’t touch the stove, I know not what an oven is, Around me I have Only pre-cooked gourmet items All I have is Canned food, Or frozen food. In the refrigerator ROMANO ANTONIAZZO A bit of creativity! GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO I’ll be cut adrift… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Try, please! GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO If I had a plan B… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO One moment, I have it… GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO What have you come up with? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Tell me, have you got any glass-jars In the house? GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Empty jars of paté or ready-made sauces Finished some time ago… ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Well, take them, and fill them up With canned food. And you will then say: these are my mum’s Homemade recipes. GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO A brilliant idea! Exceptional! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Not bad, Actually. GUALTIERO CRACCAVACCIUOLO Doctor you are a genius!! And so am I: Bio-products Paté maison Bouillon a l’ancienne Liofilisé, Pate brisée Filet mignon… The psychologist is at first incredulous, then indignant on seeing the metamorphosis of the chef. He quickly ends the conversation and lets off some steam.

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO He is so conceited The horrid cook! It’s best to hang up…

But he’s interrupted by another telephone call: it’s the single. MARGARITA MARTINI Help me doctor. I am out of the house … What a fright ROMANO ANTONIAZZO But madam it’s forbidden! MARGARITA MARTINI Due to force majeure – necessity called! I was out of Campari! ROMANO Antoniazzo But this is dangerous. The aliens are around! MARGARITA MARTINI Oh the aliens. But what kind are they? Tall? Slim? Young? Beautiful? Do they love selfies, doctor? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I don’t think so madam… MARGARITA MARTINI What a pity! Let me tell you something I go out in the street, dressed to the nines, All by myself, I stroll around Looking for a wine shop: Everything closed, not even a café… Suddenly, a front door opens And a woman walks out Into the street: shocking! She wanders around blindly, and doesn’t stop yelling.. The poor woman asks for help, And she tells me about a cellar, And a locked door That must be broken down. The cellar! So I think, With pleasure, there must be drinks, And I follow her at once To conquer the cellar.

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Did you manage in the end? MARGARITA MARTINI With just a push of the shoulder The door came down, But there was no wine in there, Just a middle-aged guy. MARGARITA MARTINI In bad shape, weak Emaciated…

ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Is he sick? MARGARITA MARTINI Worse still! He’s a teetotaler! Bursts into tears ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Don’t despair. Remember the aliens And mind all your comings and goings. MARGARITA MARTINI Stay here without a drop? Better the aliens! So I’ll wait for them… Perhaps they love Martini and Spritz, Mojito, sidecar, B and B, Gin fizz, Bellini, Bronx, Rob Roy, Bacardi White Russian, Paradise or Garibaldi. Doctor, do you know which are to their taste? ROMANO ANTONIAZZO I know nothing about that! Leave me alone! The phone rings immediately. A black square appears on the screen and a mournful voice can be heard. LAWYER Doctor help me! Noo, I don’t like mojito… I don’t know what a ‘Margarita’ is… help, heeeeelp …. This time the psychologist refuses to answer and interrupts the communication. The cellphone rings. He grabs it nervously and is tempted to throw it into the distance, but thinks twice, pulls himself together and answers. ROMANO ANTONIAZZO Hallo… MARDÌ VALERY Good morning, this is the secretary of lawyer Garbugli speaking. Is this doctor Freud? Good morning doctor. The lawyer requires an urgent appointment. His wife has pledged herself to Diabolik. My mother has left him – not before time -

and now a drunken woman is molesting him…

The computer screen of the doctor opens up. All his patients occupy spots on are an operating system page. ALL THE PATIENTS Help doctor! Listen to me! This is urgent, I beg you! Help! Have mercy! ROMANO ANTONIAZZO That is what happens to anyone who does good deeds. If you listen to all the mad people You go mad yourself. Aliens, I’m coming! I’ve had more than enough… Phone … home! It’s now or never!

He opens the window and throws himself out

Translation by Derek Rex Allen