It's weird being president in what is most

likely going to be my last school term. I've gone

almost 5 full years without really being involved

with the executive team, but having friends that

were on the team fairly regularly from term to

term. Going from friends of execs straight to

president feels approximating 1 as 100. Having

said that, it's been pretty amusing having people

not question your decisions (not that I want to

discourage that). Hopefully the fact that pretty

much the entire team this term are n00bs at this

whole running physclub thing won't trash the

fun events we want to do for you guys.

One thing I did want to bring to all you

nerds' attention is the fact that we've changed

club rooms. Physclub's club room is no longer

the asbestos-filled, salty-butthole-smelling, una-

ble-to-stay-clean-for-more-than-a-week, life-

saving-when-pulling-all-nighters, all-in-one-

kitchen-and-bedroom, awesomely-graffitied,

room that the vast majority of physics students

have grown accustomed to being around. No

longer are we able to say that the stapler is in

the fridge because the hole puncher is in the

freezer, and that the hole puncher is in the freez-

er because the stapler is in the fridge. The new

club room is in STC (room something some-

thing something something), in the same hall-

way as the other new club rooms. Sure, it's

smaller and windowless, but it's a lot cleaner,

and closer to the other club rooms. And to me,

that's okay. With the new club room and the

planned renovations to the phys study room, we

have the opportunity to give the program a

slightly new personality. It's not the most ideal

situation, but if there's one thing we physics stu-

dents are good at, it's making do with what

we've been given. That's just the situation we're

in right now. Will we stay in the new club room

5ever? Probably not, but I'm confident that we'll

make the most of it. I'm also confident that the

current and upcoming years of physics students

will spin their own flavor into the program, and

that that's the new personality that will take root

for the next few years.

On the topic of the club room, I do want

to give a special shout out to Adam Deslauri-

ers ., Kris Mitchell, and Kevin Murnaghan. (and

Gopher?). Wherever the heck you guys are now,

thank you for the 10/10 mural that has graced

the wall of the old Physclub room since May of

'95.

I really hope you guys enjoy the events

we're going to try to put on for you all. And I

really hope you all enjoy your summer, and I

mean this especially for the 2B and 3A students.

Go outside and throw a frisbee around every so

often. Take a nap outside for half an hour. Help

each other out on assignments. Just, find ways to

have fun, even with all the work. It's okay to

hand in only a half completed assignment the

next day because you were too busy trying to

unwind from days of doing work. So from the

dingus you are all unfortunate to have as the shot

-caller this term, good luck with classes and

midterms and finals, and don't die too often.

—The self-described Head Moron

The Presidential Address

After reflecting on my life

choices for many a year, I have de-

cided to switch into physics. You

may be wondering, what kind of

masochist would do such a thing?

This one.

As a proud former computer

science student entering my 3A

term last spring, I found myself

constantly envying my friends in

physics who were taking four or

more physics-y classes, meanwhile

I was stuck taking operating sys-

tems or some crap like that. Oh,

what I would have given to drop

that class.

Fast forward to this spring term,

after a double coop of utter misery,

I once again found myself taking a

CS class that I did not want to take,

once again envious of my friends in

physics who were taking courses I

wanted to take but didn’t have room

for, and once again contemplating

my life choices.

Anyway, one thing I like

about physics is the community;

I’ve made a lot of friends here over

the years whom I love very much,

whom I have struggled with to no

end, and with whom I have con-

quered great challenges and grown

as a person. Also, off the record, the

CS faculty kind of sucks.

The physics faculty wel-

comed me with open arms, and I

have since dropped that bloody CS

class I was taking this term, in case

you were wondering, and I can now

live happily ever after pursuing a

degree in physics. Yes, after all this

time, I have decided to go with a

BSc instead of a BCS.

—Paul Becker, Mall Cop

Physics Welcomes Paul Becker

Love is a Disease: An Angsty Science Poem by ET & MK

love is a disease more powerful than ATP SYNTHASE!! anaerobic splendor of photosynthesized emotions he is the transfer of energy sexual heat rendering me a viscous material at mere eye contact our complementary hormone action superconducting with the mildest touch passionate assimilation but we are parasitic beings toxicant - a chemical substance producing adverse effects pointless like splitting variance with red-rosed X-chaisma undefined asymptote orthogonal to society F = m * a I'm left with cardiac arrhythmia take the fourier transform of my broken heart your fake feelings leaving bilirubin, yellow on my legs oxygen deficient, stuck in the ventricular diastole stage but the limit for my love does not exist where the limit for yours reaches zero and now I'm a corrupted file left with a crashing sensation triggering myocardinal infarction endocarditis inflaming the inner layer of my being infected with an onslaught of Bartonella naselae simply because of mistake #5: trusting the client L'Hopital's rule does not apply to us an undeclared variable with an error message coming too late infinite loops: not supported I've already crashed I can't be approximated by your Taylor series I'm already infected the uncertainty in your measurements is ridiculously large I'm already diseased left with treatments trying to fix permanent damage because sometimes diseases don't have symptoms until it is too late (#angst)

Why are we here?

What's the point?

Why am I on my eighth cup of coffee of

the day already?

These seem to be the questions that start

to spring up around midterms, especially for

physics students. While the sun shines outside

and most people enjoy the warm weather of

summer, we find ourselves locked in the study

room, enjoying caffeine fueled all-nighters.

Why are we here?

What is it that motivates students to sac-

rifice our time, money and sanity and pursue

physics? We're going to make little money,

graduate school holds bleak prospects and very

little of our education is applicable to the 'real-

world'. Yet every semester students continue

studying quantum mechanics, thermodynamics

and -everybody's favourite- electromagnetism.

Perhaps it's a desire to change the world.

Perhaps we feel we have something to prove.

Perhaps we simply don't know what else we

would do. But through the stress and the as-

signments, something is pushing us to contin-

ue.

This pressure to succeed comes at a cost,

and it's something I've seen a lot. Many of my

friends and peers struggle to cope with stress

and anxiety, particularly during midterm and

exam periods. While this is often shrugged off

as just a normal aspect of our degree, we fail to

acknowledge the effect that it can have on us.

It's on us, as well as the school, to help each

other out. We all have the same goal in mind,

and we have make sure students know the op-

tions for dealing with stress. Whether it's phys

club bbqs or counseling services, we need to

make sure that students get the help they need.

Anyways, it's time to have my ninth cup

of coffee.

And I still haven't figured out why I'm

here.

An Anonymous Lament

United, our power is undeniable, a force of wreck-

oning. Separated, our colonists will leave nothing

unaltered in their wake. We can be the birth, the

fuel, and the death; the changers and rearrangers

you worship and detest. We can be clean, we can be

dirty. But whatever you think of us, we do not cre-

ate and do not destroy. Our states change and may

become unrecognizable. These are our solemn un-

breakable laws.

With the introduction of digital physics and

Bostrom's simulation hypothesis, the idea that our

universe is a computer simulation of a more advanced

form of humanity becomes a probable reason for

our existence. What might be ways to test if these are

true and if this is true then given our current

knowledge of computers, how might we find ways to

manipulate our Universe's rules?

An Untitled Something

Jacob’s Insight: Digital Physics

Nikola Tesla

Fell in love with a pigeon

True mad scientist — Anonymous

A High-Class Haiku

Inspiration from an Unlikely Place . . .

Donated by A Friendly Hobo Out in the Woods

Yevick Quotes

“When I was a kid there were dinosaurs every-where. It was hard walking down the block.” “Phones used to work. If we didn't have a foot-ball, we could unplug the phone, kick it around, and then plug it back in and it would work.” “Stay out of the real world as long as you can because it’s a SERIOUSLY EVIL world.” “I went through UNFATHOMABLE suffering from going to Quebec and not knowing French.” “I liked being in the hospital because there were a million people running around acting like they cared about me, which has never happened to me before.” “There are some seriously scary animals hiding at three in the morning. This place is filled with coyotes, but they aren't even the worse animal out. The two legged animals are the worst. I have a pocket knife. If you see me at three in the morning you might want to change to the other side of the road.” “Once again, please do not mention this to the human rights office.” “If you go into my office and look at the desk, you'll see it was shipped over from occupied Germany.” “If you drop a hydrogen bomb into the toilets in this building, it will continue to flush. I'm not lying.” “The quantum mechanical rest state of the hu-man being is sitting in front of the TV and con-suming beer.” “I live off yogurt and cheesecake.” “Consequently”

Quotes courtesy of Erin Tonita

There is constant debate on which film

deserves to be called the greatest of all time.

Names like the Godfather, Shawshank Redemp-

tion, and Pulp Fiction are constantly brought up,

and it’s been hard to come to a conclusion, given

the subjective nature of the title.

That is, until today. Your average plebe-

ian may name Goodfellas, Fight Club, or even,

God forbid, The Dark Knight. Your average ple-

beian is wrong. I’m here to tell you today that

the best film of all time is an underground, un-

derrated gem by the name of Synecdoche, New

York.

Starring the unappreciated, indie Philip

Seymour Hoffman, and written by the rookie

Charlie Kaufman, the film scratches an existen-

tial itch that no other piece or art ever has, or

ever will. Touchingly funny, and yet also end-

lessly heartbreaking, the film is also funnily

heartbreaking and amazingly, at the same time,

endlessly touching.

Some might say the film is frustrating.

Some may think that it’s too long. Some may

even say that the film is too inaccessible to your

average moviegoer. But here’s what I say to

these “fans” of film: Why don’t you go back to

your After Earths or your The Last Airbenders?

Better yet, why even bother watching films at

all? Why not just cut out the middleman and just

start watching studio executives talk about how

to maximise profits so that The Machine can

brainwash The Masses more efficiently?

At the end of this article, a few things are clear. Firstly, the argument I’ve made for Synec-

doche, New York’s status as the GOAT is near unassailable. Secondly, all opinions that are not my own are wrong and deserve to be insulted. It

is for the reasons I’ve listed, and others, that I hope I’ve convinced you, the reader, to watch this gem, for it is truly the Batman vs. Super-

man: Dawn of Justice of the first decade of the 21st century.

— Kurtis Meems

Why Synecdoche, New York is

Legit the Best Film of all Time

*Note: The views and ideas expressed in this article do not reflect

those of Physclub or its members, and should be ultimately ignored.

Blinded

By Julia Zangoulos

Lost deep within the suspended abyss-

we cannot observe an unmatched bliss,

with distress and blindness we attempt to

perceive

that which composes a quarter of what's

conceived.

It hides in space with no place to be seen

leaving no trace, a wonder living in between

every molecule and atom we believe may exist,

and yet is ignored as though it is a benign cyst.

A favor of science unnecessary to study,

it's a glorious triumph needing to be de-fuzzied

Explanations for the hypothetical, mass of the

stars

it would be truly magnificent, memories for

memoirs

of the capabilities of the human mind

fathom further than the observed find

We explore and we dream-the journey, the climb

we should never stop searching nor lose sight of

our drive

Curiosity fuels us, let's explore space's surprise

and never stop learning.

—K.K.S. 2016

SHINE LIGHT INTO THE DARK ... MATTER

The physics study room participated in a game of Telestrations. These were the results . . .

A Frog’s Lust Classic Class Mech

Orchestrated by Samson and Akshaya

He graced our lives everyday for

two months. His was a gentle soul. So

full of life; he lived as he loved, loved

as he laughed, laughed as he played,

played as he slurped, slurped as he val-

ued, valued as he desired, desired as he

mourned, mourned as he wept, wept as

he died: on a chalkboard. In the words

of the immortal William Shakespeare:

“Now cracks a noble heart. Good-

night, sweet prince; And flights of

angels sing thee to thy rest.” Rest in

peace, U’Donovan. You shall be

missed.

Obituary

——— Important Notice ———

If you have any information on the

death of Chris U’Donovan, do not go to

the proper authorities; rather, take mat-

ters into your own hands. Together, we

can find justice for our fallen two-

dimensional friend.

We at Physclub encourage and

endorse vigilantism. The rest is up to

you (just don’t burn anyone’s house

down).

Drawing courtesy of Dilraj Ghuman

April 2016 — June 2016

For You to Commit Honourable Sudoku

Dark Matter Introduces your New Best Friend

Between now and the next Dark Matter publication, you can find this fuzzy bud-

dy trolling around the physics study room. If you have quotes from physics lec-

tures that you feel the need to share, simply write them on a slip of paper along

with your name and submit them to hairy bear-y. The person with the best quote

will get a free slice of pizza during the nest Dark Matter writing session.

Note: fuzzy buddy = hairy bear-y = the glass bear, not to be confused with Imtiaz