The Polyamorists Next Door: Understanding Multiple-partner

RelationshipsElisabeth Sheff

Georgia State University

What is Polyamory? Openly conducted non-monogamous relationshipsEmphasis on communication, negotiation, self-

reflection, and honestyNot swinging – focused on emotional connectionNot polygyny – same rules for men and womenNot cheating – openly negotiated

Polyamorous Families Some composed of all adults, though my research

focuses on those with children Most commonly an “open couple” with additional

partnersLess frequently cohabitational triads, quads, or

“moresomes” Very similar to other families of sexual minorities,

especially gay and lesbian families

Longitudinal Poly Family Study Wave I 1996 - 2003: all adults, 20 men and 20

women interviewed, extensive participant observation, no contact information

Wave II 2007 - 2008: all adults, 15 previous respondents and 31 new additions interviewed

Wave III 2009 – present: 8 children and 13 (new) of their important adults

Total sample 92 interviewees, 500 participant observation

Sample CharacteristicsWhite Middle classHighly educatedLiberalsBisexual women, heterosexual menUrban or suburban dwellersOverlap with other non-conformists – pagans, gamers,

geeks, kinksters, sci-fi fans, SCA and LARPers

ResultsLimited generalizability

Unknown universe means impossible to gain representative sample

Small sample size, especially of childrenSelection bias and attempts to remedy

Even so characteristic of mainstream poly communities in United States

Only longitudinal study of polyamory to date

Reported Advantages Emotional intimacy Expanded resources

AttentionMoneyExpertiseFlexibility

Consciously created familyMore freedomQuestion other elements of social convention More communication

Reported Disadvantages ComplicatedTime consumingChildren become attached to partners who leaveStigma management

Strategies to Deal with Disadvantages Emotional protection

Extensive contact and communication prior to introducing lovers to children

Clarify with children who is a family member Require lovers to establish independent relationships

with childrenKeep some lovers separate from family

Stigma managementEmotional PassingLiving in accepting areas

Concluding Remarks Children doing extremely well

Born into positions of social privilege (race, class, education) Additional resources enrich lives Consciously constructed families more reflexive Active agents - do not assume all adults will be parental

figures

Larger more diverse sample might produce divergent results

Future research Longitudinal contact with sample More diverse practitioners Continued contact with those who leave poly lifestyle