The Personality Development WorkbookThe Personality Development WorkbookThe Personality Development WorkbookThe Personality Development Workbook

By

Gayathri Moosad

For more inspirational and motivational resources visit the author's website at:

www.gayathrimoosad.com

Copyright © Gayathri Moosad 2009

All rights reserved worldwide

Preface

The Personality Development Workbook is a dream come true for me. During

my quest to develop my personality, I have come across so many resources. But

I never quite found a workbook, which brings together both the theory and

practical aspects of personality development. Hence, I decided to write one.

By writing this book, I found that sharing wisdom is important to the learning

process. By researching and developing tools that are included in the book, I

myself learned a lot. This book helped me grow as a person. I hope it helps you

grow, too.

I would be very happy to hear any feedback you may have. Please contact me

through my website and tell me what you felt about the book. Thank you.

I want to thank the Vital Force of the Universe for all Her help in completing

this book. Also, I cannot thank my husband Ravi Moosad enough for his support,

without which this book wouldn’t have happened. I also want to thank all my

family, teachers and books for their guidance. And importantly, I want to thank

you, the reader, for making my effort worthwhile by reading this book.

Gayathri Moosad http://www.gayathrimoosad.com.

Table of Contents Preface

Chapter 1 – Before we begin…

Chapter 2 – Ethics

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 3 – Confidence

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 4 – Emotional Mastery

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 5 – Assertiveness

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 6 – Leadership Skills

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 7 – Communication Skills

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 8 – Positive Attitude

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 9 – Etiquette

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Chapter 10 – Spirituality

The Wisdom

The Action Plan

Before we part…

Chapter 1 – Before we begin…

“The only journey is the one within” – Rainer Maria Rilke

Hello there! Before you begin your journey with this book, I would like to explain a bit about what it is and how you can use it. You see, this is not just a “book.” As the title goes, this is a Workbook. And since this is a workbook, in order to get the best results from this book, you will have to use it as a tool and work towards your personality development. Each chapter in the book, except this one, is divided into two parts. The first part is The Wisdom. This is the theoretical aspect of the chapter. Some of the ideas in The Wisdom section are already covered in my articles published in the website. But this book takes it to a higher level by including more details. The next part is The Action Plan. This is the action which you would need to take in order to get the maximum benefit from the chapter. The Action Plan is what makes this a workbook. After the first chapter, you can take any chapter you wish and read it. Each chapter is fully contained in itself and independent of the other chapters. You are free to take on any chapter you like at the moment. However, I do hope you would finish all the chapters and come back once in a while to refresh your memory. So off to the journey now! Good luck, and May the force be with you!

Chapter 2 – Ethics

“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life

with integrity.” - W. Clement Stone

The Wisdom Ethics are perhaps your most defining traits. Your values are your guides to life. If we do not live our life in sync with our values, we often find ourselves in a state of constant conflict. In order to live a balanced life, it is important that every facet of our lives reflect our values. In life, we often find ourselves in a state of conflict. We sometimes feel that our life is not going the way it should be. Stressors overwhelm us. We cannot feel true synergy in life. We feel that we lack balance and stability. If these ring a bell, then perhaps it is time for you to consider congruent living.

Living congruently means living in a state of balance. Everything in your life, every thought, action, project, dream, everything flows together and in the same direction. All aspects of your life are in sync. Your sense of purpose is startlingly clear, and your life path flows in that direction.

In order to live congruently, we need to tackle the conflicts in life. In order to synergize our life to create a peaceful, fulfilling flow, our values and behavior must be in perfect harmony.

Very often, the cause of instability stems from a conflict between values and action. Our behavior sometimes does not reflect our true values. As a result, we feel guilty, tensed, stressed, unfulfilled and torn. When our values are in conflict with our actions, nothing gives us true sense of achievement or fulfillment. We need to look deep within ourselves and identify our values. Are all the things in your life reflecting those values? Your work, relationships and hobbies should all be in sync with your values. When we align every aspect of our life with our values, we can feel true peace. What are your values? Identifying them is a core step in personality development. In the Action Plan, you do just that.

The Action Plan In order to identify your own ethics, you can use a two-step process. The first is to look at yourself, and the second is to look at others. Confused? Let me explain. Look at yourself Take a blank sheet of paper, and write down everything you like about your character, and don’t like about your character. From this list, you can get your primary value list. How? When you write down something like “I like it that I am honest”, honesty can immediately be identified as an important value you have. When you say “I don’t like it that I am shy”, confidence would emerge as an important value to you. Look at others Select two people, one of whom you admire and another whom you dislike because of their character. What do you admire in the people you like? What do you hate about the people who you don’t like? If you say, “I like how John takes care of his Mother”, you are in fact saying that service is an important value to you. When you say, “I hate the way he talks about people behind their back,” you are in fact saying that you value straightforwardness and loyalty. Once you identify your values in this manner, you can synchronize every aspect of your life to match these values. And that is the essence of congruent living. A well-balanced personality with strong values makes a great leader and human being.

Chapter 3 – Confidence

“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down.”

- Allen H. Neuharth

The Wisdom Ah, confidence! Perhaps the most coveted trait of them all. Self-confidence is probably one of the biggest gifts you can ever give yourself. Why? Because, people like confident people. People trust confident people. People are attracted to confident people. Confident people get things done. Confident people don't let their fears stop them. Confident people do not blame themselves or others beyond a limit when things go wrong. Confident people are naturally assertive. Confident people make the best of the opportunities presented to them. Confident people may feel scared but do it anyway, trusting that either then win or they learn something. Confident people do not need to bully their way through life - they respect themselves and others.

If you have constantly find yourself unable to grab the opportunities life presents you, or live the life you want to live, or make difficult choices, or believe in your own abilities, or if you need everyone's (or maybe just someone's) approval for everything you do, or hide your true self for fear of ridicule or rejection, or live a life that is much below your potential - then this chapter is for you. It will help boost your self-confidence more than you ever thought possible.

Have you ever noticed little children? They are naturally curious, display their true selves, explore the world around them and do what they want to do, despite whether the other kids do it or not. That is our natural state of fearlessness and confidence. Then this natural confidence gets curbed through negative upbringing, peer pressure, skewed view of society and/or a thousand other reasons.

The result? We withdraw our wings and pretend we never had them. We follow the sheep and never venture out alone. We give up our desires and aspirations due to fear of rejection and ridicule. We start believing that everyone else in the world is out to judge us.

Is that how you want to live for the rest of your life? If not, let us examine some cold, hard facts.

1. If you follow everyone else, you will end up like everyone else. 2. If you do the same old things, we will have the same old life. 3. Everyone gets ridiculed and/or rejected at some point of their lives. Nobody except themselves keeps a record of it. 4. Everyone is busy thinking about their own life, and nobody with any amount of respectability employs themselves full-time on judging you. 5. Even if someone occasionally judges / ridicules / rejects you, it is still not the end of the world. You don't have to win everyone's approval. 6. People's opinions change. The very people who ridicule your failure will embrace you when you succeed. 7. You just need to get up one more time than you get knocked down. 8. Confidence does not come from never failing. It comes from knowing that you can always get back up even if you get grounded and squashed to pulp. 9. If you don't have faith in yourself, no one else would have faith in you either. 10. In our death-bed, we wouldn't regret the things we did - we regret those we didn't do. This is the wisdom – now let us proceed to see what actions we can take to achieve complete self-confidence.

The Action Plan

After acquiring the right mindset from the wisdom section, you can try these 12 proven ways to boost our self-confidence.

1. Watch what you tell yourself. I have read somewhere that "it doesn't matter what others tell you. It is what you tell yourself after the others have finished talking, that matters." Once you fail at something, you may tell yourself "Oh, I lost, as usual. I was so stupid to try this in the first place. They always said I wouldn't make it anyway. Well, they are right, and I sure am not trying this again!” Or you can tell yourself, "So it didn't work out this time. Still I was one brave fellow to go after my own heart despite what others said! And next time those people better watch out for me, coz I am gonna come back doubly prepared!" Which one do you think would help your confidence?

2. Keep a Book of Success. Write down every achievement you have in a day. You can include everything from the tiniest little detail to the major, life-changing ones. Tidying up your desk, doing the laundry, waking up early, exercising all can find a place in this book. It will motivate you and help to keep your confidence level high.

3. Record the reasons to honor yourself. Do the following exercise regularly. Take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you did in the recent past, ideally that very day, that you should be respected for. It could be really simple things, or really big this. Your entries could read like "I should be respected for being brave enough to ask her out even though there was a good chance she would turn me down" or "for taking it well when she did turn me down" or "for seeking to improve my confidence by doing this exercise" or "for not letting my friend's negativity get to me" or "for staying clear of drugs" or "for being healthy" or "for having the courage to ask someone out again if I feel like it" or "for getting an idea that could generate extra income for me if implemented" or "for resisting that extra cheese burger" etc. Know that not everyone would have had the courage to do each of these, and that you are a strong fellow to be able to do it.

4. Push your limits a bit each day - or at the very least each week. Decide upon an area to work on each day /week. It could be anything like relationships, public speaking, career-change etc. Then find your comfort zone in it. For example you may find that you are so afraid of public speaking that you avoid it all costs. But you can see that, if you look very closely, you have no problem speaking your mind in front of your family or your closest friends. Now figure out what is lying just outside your comfort zone. If you can only speak confidently in front of your family, then opening yourself up in front of 20,000 people the next morning wouldn't be your cup of tea. But speaking in front of 3 close friends about something that you know more about than they do, would be a reasonable target. If you are looking for a career change, taking

up a part time job besides your day job may be a reasonable first step for you. Once you have found what lies just outside your comfort zone, you can go ahead and do that. You would feel scared, but that is okay. Courage is about being scared to death and yet doing it anyway. Since the action is just beyond your comfort zone, you will probably be able to summon enough courage to do it. Go ahead and do it. If it seems too scary, then break it down further. Try speaking in front of your one absolute best friend about something you know more than s/he does. Once you achieve this, you can see that your comfort zone has just been pushed. Now you are more confident than before and the next activity you take up could be a bit outside this new comfort zone. You need to transition your mind from "failure/low self-esteem/fear" mode to "success/more self-esteem/courage" mode slowly and methodically. This really works!

5. Get in shape. A good physique can do miracles for your self-esteem. Thousands of over-weight people have reported life-changing boost in confidence by just shedding that extra weight. Maintain a good posture. Read up on body language and change yours as needed. Have a great hand-shake.

6. Personal grooming is very important. Looking good automatically makes you feel good. Always be well-groomed, and look professional. Power-dressing is your friend in office and during interviews. If you go out, go out looking your best. Take care about what you wear, whether your nails are cut, how you smell and how your hair looks. You don't have to be a supermodel but you can be someone with fresh breath, clean toenails and ironed clothing. This will help boost your self-image and the way others see you. Anyway, how many shabbily- dressed, poorly-groomed people have you seen that have attained incredible success in their lives?

7. Ask help from the Higher Power. If you are the religious kind, seek help from the Divine to help you do your best. If you are spiritual, remember to draw power from the force that unites us all. Meditation, prayers etc help to quiet the mind and help us focus on the task at hand.

8. Remember the bigger picture always. It is okay to fail, as long as you get right back up. Remember that most of the things that scare us to death when we think about it have no lasting long-term effect on our lives at all. So what if you stumbled or stammered or got ridiculed when you delivered the speech? You are more on your way to becoming a great speaker than the listeners who comfort themselves by laughing at you even though they cannot bring themselves to come on stage or face their fears.

9. Cast your woes and worries away. Write them down in paper, and let the paper hold their weight. You may tear the paper up or burn it as a symbolical gesture. Free your mind of consuming fears and unnecessary worries. You may

want to read about the ways to tackle your fear. Remember that beyond a point necessary for survival, worry is pointless.

10. Join support groups. If you are scared of public speaking, join Toastmasters. Join or create local groups to work towards overcoming your fears. Join online forums where people who have similar ambitions join together to motivate and guide each other. Listen to motivating and inspiring CDs, read inspiring articles. There is always someone or some book out there to help you!

11. Prepare well, educate yourself. Nothing helps us to feel confident more than sufficient preparation. Give it your best shot, be sincere in your preparation and let the rest take care of itself. Be performance-oriented rather than outcome-driven. Always make sure you are really ready before you face the task at hand. Learn what you need to learn. Remember that you shouldn't be so obsessive about the learning part that you never feel satisfied with your knowledge and hence never actually get around to putting it to practice.

12. Tackle guilt. If you have consuming feelings of guilt about something, then write it down. Remember that we all have slipped up and there is no-one who has never messed anything up in their lives. Below each point that makes you feel guilty, write three reasons why you shouldn't feel guilty about it. And below that write down one or two ways you can make it up even a little bit - sometimes this just involves forgiving yourself and resolving to never make the same mistake again. And then write down ways to ensure you never make the same mistakes again. And then, write down that you are forgiving yourself, now matter how big you think your mistake was. Accept it as a learning process, move on. Don't live your life in an abyss of self-loathing, never learning the lessons and never moving on. Free yourself of your past baggage, and remember that everyone has a right to make mistakes, learn lessons and move on with their lives. Don't burn the wings that would take you to the skies, just because you fell down a couple of times.

If you put genuine attempt into boosting your confidence and outlook, the results will astound you and exceed your wildest desires. So do yourself a favor, and start trusting yourself! :)

Chapter 4 – Emotional Mastery

“To increase your effectiveness, make your emotions subordinate to your commitments” - Brian Koslow

The Wisdom Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a remote control to your emotions? Suppose you get fired from your job and feel really depressed and hopeless. You press a button and you feel at peace again, enthusiastic about the opportunity to find a better job. Suppose you fail a subject. Press a button and your feeling of rejection and shame vanishes, replaced by peace and a determination to succeed next time. Suppose someone ridiculed you. You press a button and you are back to feeling calm, cool and confident. Suppose you can just press a button and make you feel at peace, no matter what happens? Would you like that? If yes, read on to discover that remote control within you and how you can access it.

First of all, I would like to clarify two things. One, emotional mastery does not mean suppressing our emotions. It means being able to express them in a way which would provide you with optimal benefits. In fact, some emotions are healthy and necessary, like fear keeping us from jumping down mountains, and controlled anger which helps us to be assertive and positive stress which helps us push our limits and meet deadlines. This chapter is not meant for such emotions – it is purely meant for those emotions that cripple us and prevent us from giving our best. Like for example, fear of public speaking, uncontrollable bursts of rage and anger etc. Two, it is not easy. It takes time, and conscious effort. Having emotional mastery is a journey that will take a lot of patience and sustained effort, but the rewards of each simple step you take in this direction is extremely high compared to the effort you put in. Your relationships, decision making skills, rational thinking, state of mind, quality of life – everything stands to improve by mastering your emotional responses.

The right to feel good

The very first step is to realize that you have a right to feel good, no matter what happens around you. Just because such-and-such event occurred, it doesn’t mean you have to feel down, or depressed or angry. Just because everyone else in a particular situation has negative emotions does not mean you have to feel that way too. You can constantly choose to be in a state of peace and love and happiness, and there is no need for you to change that state for anyone or anything.

Some people want to feel bad. Ironic, yes, but they do. For example, some people simply do not allow themselves to return to a positive mindset after a break-up. Sometimes they mistakenly imagine their partner would come back to them, if only they would show them how much shattered they are. Sometimes they feel guilty in feeling good and keep wallowing in sorrow. They resist every attempt from everyone else in trying to cheer them up. Social conditioning has a lot to do with this. People are taught from a very young age as to what experiences should be happy ones and what shouldn’t. Lose a job, then be desperate. Break up with your lover, be depressed and angry. Have someone make fun of you, get defensive and spiteful. Have a lot on your plate at work, be stressed. These reactions are so programmed to us that we actually feel guilty if we still feel good even though we lost a job, or had a break up or suffered some other ‘negative’ experience. It is important to realize that it is very much okay to feel good and not be affected by any of these said ‘negative’ experiences. You have every right to be happy. If someone close to you went away from your life, it is okay to get back to a normal life after the initial shockwave of grief. Remember that you have a right to feel good.

The power to feel good

Some people do not realize that they have control over their emotions. You have the power to feel good. The control is within you. Whenever something happens to you, you have the ability to consciously choose how you feel about it. Just because someone tries to offend you, doesn’t mean you will get offended. You can still choose to ignore it and be at peace. Between the stimulus and the reaction, there is a stage which lets you choose your reaction. Many people sadly forgo or forget this stage, and let negative reflexes take over. Once you regain your control over the situation, you wouldn’t be swayed by what happens to you. You would assume the power you were born with. When a stimulus is thrown at you, pause a moment and choose your reaction. That is really all you need to do.

Let me share with you how you can gain complete emotional mastery and always choose to feel the way you want to feel.

Realization

The very first stage of emotional mastery is of course, to realize you are feeling a negative emotion. Simple as this may sound; it is indeed quite hard to put into practice. We may often find ourselves regretting words spoken in a rush of anger, but while we are actually in that angry state of mind, we lose control over reason. Emotion takes over and we can hardly recognize it, let alone counter it. It is like we completely lose ourselves in a tide of emotion and cannot even realize it.

If we intend to gain emotional mastery, we have to learn to recognize an emotional reaction. We need to be able to pinpoint and say “Yes, I am feeling sad” or “This is angry me talking.” It requires a state of awareness. Next time you find yourself regretting a heated discussion, tell yourself that next time you are angry, you will realize it and stop it. If you continue this, you will soon learn how to realize an emotional response.

Let me share a few ways to help you realize when you are having an emotional response. First of all, you know certain situations always make you feel sad/ angry/ fearful/ drained etc. If you know this, then you can prepare yourself for the situation. For example, if public speaking always makes you fearful, then the next time you have to do a presentation and you feel scared, you can realize this and tell yourself, “I am giving control to fear right now.” Or, if everyday chores make you feel drained, you can tell yourself “I am giving up control to a draining feeling right now. It is not a helpful emotion to me at the moment.” If you continue to do this for all the situations, you will soon be in a habit of realizing when you are giving an emotional response. It will help you use the ideas shared in the following paragraphs of the chapter to control these emotional responses.

There are unpredictable situations too that may catch us off-guard and cause us to fall into emotional behavior. How do you realize you are giving an emotional response in these cases? There are some techniques that can be used.

One way is to program yourself to always realize an emotional response. When you are reading a book or watching T.V and you catch yourself emoting, then immediately tell yourself, in your mind, that you are experiencing this emotion. Do this whenever you can, even in minor occurrences of the emotion. When you feel mildly irritated and tell yourself you are feeling mildly irate, then soon you will be able to tell when you feel stronger versions of the same emotion. Do this for whichever emotion you want to control, like anger or despair or fear.

If you ever do lose your cool and give in completely to an emotion, you can still make it better next time if you tell yourself “I felt so and so way. It was caused by such-and-such incident. Next time I have such-and-such incident, I will behave in a cooler way, which is to respond like this - <fill in your response.> I will know when I feel this emotion and it is under my control.” Repeating this exercise will signal to your subconscious that you want to be notified when an emotion takes over, and that you intend to control it.

Now let us go through various techniques that will help us achieve emotional mastery.

Methods to achieve Emotional Mastery

The Body Language:

Have you ever noticed how your body language changes depending on how you feel? When you feel positive and outgoing and enthused, your body reflects those. Similarly, you will have a body language associated with each negative emotion as well.

Watch yourself the next time you feel angry or afraid. What are your gestures and mannerisms? What about your posture? Take a deep note of all the subtle changes in your body. Do you lean forward/backward? Do you wave your hands or handle small objects around you? Where are your arms? Do you make any gestures? Note all these.

One way to immediately reduce the impact of an emotion is to change your body language. When you feel negative, immediately force your body to stop its gestures. Make it do positive gestures. Or just make it stop its mannerisms. This will cause a break in the flow of your emotion and its impact will be lowered. Reason will get a chance to break in. But please remember that this is a short-term method and it works from outside-in, not the best way. But it is simple and effective and a great beginner exercise. Still, always remember to graduate to inside-out changes soon.

Breathing:

Have you ever noticed how your breaths get shorter and shorter as you give in to negative emotions? Next time you feel a negative emotion, change your breathing style! Take deep, slow breaths. Inhale as you count to 7. Exhale as you count to 10. Long inhalations, longer exhalations. Did you know that sighs are a natural relaxation technique? Give out a deep sigh. This change in breathing pattern works wonders.

Anchoring:

Anchoring is a very powerful emotional mastery tool. By using anchoring, we can learn to program ourselves to control our emotions. It is detailed in the Action Plan section.

Self Talk and Tony Robbins interruption method:

Tony Robbins Interruption method is a very innovative method for mastering emotions. The gist of this method can be expressed as follows:

When you are feeling a negative emotion, do something unexpected. For example, if you are at home badly stressing out about the next day’s work

meeting, do something outside of your usual response to such a situation. If you usually sit down and worry, then start singing a song! Or clap your hands! Such unexpected actions will cause our mind to break its negative thought pattern. It will cause a sudden ripple in the flow of negative energy in you, and your mind will be shaken free from its grip. Then you can use your reason and positive attitude to get the better of the situation.

Watching your self talk is another important step in emotional mastery. Your self talk can make or break you. When you catch yourself saying negative statements, immediately substitute them with positive, life-affirming self-talk.

Reframe:

When a negative situation occurs, you can mentally try to reframe it. Try to see it from a positive angle. Does anything good come out of it? Get creative. Think of how you can make it a positive or liberating experience. Remember that sometimes it is important to get out of your comfort zone and push the envelope on life. Sometimes sudden and drastic changes are necessary to clear the stagnant waters and bring about growth and development. Whenever faced with a negative situation, try to find at least three good things that come out of it. Now think of the situation from these points. It will help changing your attitude and emotions.

Practice:

As with everything else, practice makes perfect here too. You need to constantly apply all the techniques described here in order to completely reach a stage of emotional mastery and a peaceful state of mind. Be the power that you are! Wake the giant within you, and realize you are bigger than your problems. Let your mind always be a calm and peaceful lake, not disturbed by every gust of wind that may come its way!

The Action Plan The action plan for Emotional Mastery is to learn at least one method of controlling our emotions. The technique shared here is called “Anchoring”. Anchoring is the process of attaching an external stimulus, to a desired emotional response. Let me explain. Have you ever noticed that some scents or even songs can remind us of past events, people or places? Those are unconscious anchors – the stimuli that can trigger memories and feelings without any conscious effort from your part.

Similarly, we can custom design the stimulus and the response. This has been demonstrated in the famous experiment by Pavlov. He had a set of dogs, and he always rang a bell while feeding the dogs. After a while, just the sound of the bell was enough to make the dogs salivate, even when there was no food in sight.

This same principle can be used by us to custom design our own anchors. Let us examine how it can be done.

First of all, we need to decide on the emotional response we need to evoke, such as calmness or happiness or motivation. Let us stick with calmness for the moment. Now, we need to choose a stimulus. Now, a stimulus can be anything, really – an object, a song, a scent, a person or a body movement. It makes more sense to have a unique body movement – such as tapping your fingers – as the stimulus. That is because it eliminates the need for carrying around a perfume or a music player.

Once we have fixed these, we can start creating the anchor. First, you need to be in a very relaxed and calm environment, like a spa or a scenic landscape. Really feel the calm around you. And when that feeling peaks, apply the anchor for the first time. Keep the anchor in place until the feeling begins to fade. Remember to remove the anchor as soon the feeling begins to decline, or else you will create an anchor for reducing peace in stead of peacefulness! Repeat this anchor creation every chance you get. Now that we have created an anchor successfully, we can fire it upon demand. Whenever you need peace and quiet, apply the anchor. It is as simple as that.

The anchoring works on a rather interesting principle. Our mind is capable of connecting two unrelated events and seeing it as a single one. When we are studying something while listening to a song, our brain sees it as one event, and not two. It helps us to recall the lesson by recalling the song. It is this holistic approach by our brain that enables us to connect a random stimulus to a specific emotional response.

Now we have seen how we can use the anchoring technique to literally create remote controls for any feeling we need. We have seen how to create an anchor and fire it on demand. So the next time you find yourself happy or motivated or peaceful, create anchors! And when in need of such feelings, fire them away! Remote controlling your feelings is that easy.

Chapter 5 – Assertiveness

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”

- Anthony Robbins The Wisdom Are you assertive? Or are you aggressive? Or maybe you are passive?

The answer to the above question can reveal a lot about ourselves and how successful we are in our inter-personal relationships. So what are these three types anyway? Let us take a look.

Let us consider the following scenarios.

Someone asks you to do an unimportant task when you are busy with an important project. Someone asks you to do an unimportant task when you are finally relaxing after a tiring day. Someone interrupts the queue and positions themselves ahead of you. Someone keeps doing something that annoys you despite repeated requests from your part. Someone focuses on some pleasurable activity in stead of doing a task they promised you they would do. Someone tries to bully you. Someone tries to hold you responsible for their problems, even though you are genuinely not responsible. Someone tries to make you feel you are not good enough. Someone abuses you mentally, emotionally, verbally and/or physically.

How would you respond?

If you tolerate it for the sake of avoiding confrontation or low self confidence, you are the passive type. If you would angrily bite their head off or yell at them or beat them up, you are the aggressive type. If you firmly and politely stand up for your rights, you are an assertive person.

By being an assertive person, you are establishing a healthy balance between being a push-over and being domineering. While push-overs may be liked generally, they suffer from low self-esteem and harbor unexpressed resentments and generally feel life is unfair. Eventually they may have bursts

of venting where they suddenly explode with all their pent up feelings. Domineering, manipulative aggressors try to push their way through life, with no regard for other people's feelings. While they may get their way with passive people, they are generally disliked and avoided. They also suffer from self-esteem issues.

Assertive people respect themselves and others. They won't let anybody push them around, and they won't push others around either. They are calm and collected people who gain respect and are well-liked. Their body language and manner are very confident and trustworthy.

So how do you become an assertive person? The answer depends on whether you are a passive person or an aggressive person.

If you are a passive individual:

1. Remember that every time you fail to say "No" to others, you are saying "No" to yourself. If you don't want to do something, say No. If you cannot accept something, say No.

2. Know that each person is responsible for their own life. So no matter what anybody else tries to manipulate you into believing, you are NOT responsible for another adult's life and problems.

3. Know also that you are responsible for your own well-being. You owe it to yourself. You cannot blame fate or upbringing or partners or society or colleagues or situations for your problems. Take charge of your own life.

4. Remember that Aggressive people "feed on" passive people. You may attract many aggressive people into your life because you seem an easy target for them. Don't associate with them; keep them at arm's length. Invite assertive people into your life.

5. Next time an aggressive person tries to bully you, stay your ground. Start small and work into bigger things as your confidence grows. Repeat your stance with growing firmness, never leaving the limits of politeness.

6. Use the DESC strategy when dealing with people who won't give you what you want. Describe the situation, Explain how you feel, Seek a solution and remind of Consequences. Do it politely and firmly.

7. Try to find a middle ground that is acceptable to both parties. Create win-win situations.

8. If someone is too stubborn and refuses to listen to reason, remember that you don't need their approval. Do things your way - it is your life.

9. Remember that you have a right to make mistakes and not know everything.

10. Remember that you don't have to be liked by everyone. You don't need someone to like you in order to get along with them.

If you are an aggressive individual:

1. Admit to yourself that you have anger management and empathy issues. Read more about these and seek help if it is absolutely beyond control.

2. Remember that the people who obey you when you bully/manipulate them are not liking you or respecting you. They will probably only be too happy to avoid you or remove you from their lives.

3. Get a better grip on your emotions. Control your emotions and don't let them control you.

4. Remember that everyone needs to be treated with respect. You are no more special than anyone else out there, and we are all on the same team.

5. Listen to other people when they speak. Do something nice for others once in a while. You will be amazed at how much happy it makes you.

6. Start small; conquer yourself by first resisting small incidents that make you lose control. Then you can move on to better things.

7. Dealing with assertive people can be good for you. Learn conflict management from them. Stop seeking out passive folks.

8. Try to find middle ground acceptable to both parties. Create win-win situations.

9. Remember that it is only human to make mistakes. There is no need for you to yell at people or beat them up for every mistake they make. Also you don't have to "protect" adults from making mistakes by manipulating them and controlling them.

10. Stop threatening people. It never works in the long run. Remember that there comes in everyone's life a time when he/she needs help and you never know what bridges may prove helpful. Don't burn bridges; we may have to cross the same river many times.

The Action Plan Whether you are in passive or aggressive behavior mode to start with, there are some things you can do to help you on your way to become assertive. One such method is to keep an assertiveness journal. This is your action plan. The assertiveness journal contains 3 parts. The first is the date. The second is the event. Here, you record any event that took place on that day, including your response. The third is the evaluation section. In this section, you analyze for yourself whether your response was passive, aggressive or assertive. Recollect the event, and think how you could have handled it better, if your response at the time was inadequate. Write down the lessons learned. You can not only use this as a diary to record daily events, but you can also do the same exercise on your past – consider any event where you didn’t respond assertively, and evaluate it. Think of how you could have handled it better and write it down. Remember to not feel guilty about any mistake you may have made – we all have our learning curves, even the most assertive person had his/her share of mistakes and growing pangs. Keeping this assertiveness journal makes you very conscious in all situations. You start thinking before you act. You take a moment to use the wisdom from past mistakes to frame the adequate response for the present situation. Soon, assertiveness will be second nature to you.

Chapter 6 – Leadership Skills

“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.” - John C. Maxwell

The Wisdom Wouldn't you love to be a great leader? Would you like to know good a leader you are now? Wouldn't you love to better yourself? If the answer to these questions is "yes", then you have come to the right place. Here is a check list of 20 indispensable leadership skills for you. Compare yourself honestly to each skill given here, and see whether you feel it rings true in your case. The more of these you have, the better your leadership skills are are. And even if you may not have many of these qualities, improving your leadership skills is just a matter of adding all these skills to your arsenal, and constantly polishing them.

1. Ethics and Values: Being a great leader involves having great ethics and values. If you are out to cheat and manipulate people, then your fan following would be an ever-thinning one. It is important for every great leader to have honesty, integrity, compassion and courage.

2. Respect and Trust: People are only naturally drawn to leaders who they trust and respect. Fear and control based leadership could get you some followers in the short-term, but loyalty wouldn't be their top quality. To build a loyal team, be someone who can be trusted and respected.

3. Confidence: Self-confidence and assertiveness attract people like a magnet. Develop your self confidence and assertiveness, and you can be a leader.

4. Decisiveness: Leaders need to make tough decisions in tough times. Hone your decision-making skills. Learn to be calm under pressure. People will naturally look up to you and want to be led by you.

5. Delegation: You cannot do everything just because you are a leader. You need to delegate tasks effectively. Know your team. Know each member's strengths and weaknesses and delegate responsibilities accordingly. This will make your team members feel appreciated and recognized.

6. Communication skills: Improve your communication skills. Always communicate your vision, goals, plans, strategies, potential problems and expectations to the team members. Get input from your team. Listen, ask suggestions, convey, involve, co-operate. There is no need to be a know-it-all; be open to contributions.

7. Appreciation: A great leader values each team member and makes each team member feel valued. Each member of the team feels their role is important and appreciated. Praise in public and criticize in private.

8. Handling Successes and Failures: It is very important that a great leader should know how to handle each success and failure. Celebrate your successes, learn from your failures and move forward. Remember - whenever your team has a success, attribute it to the entire team. When your team faces a failure, accept responsibility for the failure.

9. Emotional mastery: A great leader has a great control over his/her emotions. S/he is not given to temper tantrums, yelling spells, name calling, nervous breakdowns or guilt trips. Keep your emotions under check. Never ever lose your cool. Calmness is an extremely important trait of a great leader. Develop a high EQ (emotional quotient). Refer to chapter 4 to learn how to achieve emotional mastery.

10. Planning skills: A leader is expected to formulate strategies, plan and organize. Hence, polishing your planning and organizing skills is inevitable when one aims to be a great leader. Time management is yet another vital skill you would need. 11. Conflict management: Having a skill to manage and resolve conflicts is a great skill for any great leader. The leader has to be an expert in interpersonal conflict management if s/he aims to succeed.

12. Change management: Often, a leader's skills are called to play when there is a major change in the offing. The leader has to be open to change and adaptable. And it is the duty of the leader to convey the details of the change to the team, address their concerns, provide necessary support and work with the team to make the transition as smooth as possible.

13. Knowledge: A great leader has a good deal of knowledge about the task at hand. S/he continuously educates herself/himself, and is always aware of the goings-on. It is not necessary to know everything (although that helps ;) ) but a good working knowledge is essential. You cannot expect to lead a team of chefs if you cannot tell one vegetable from the other.

14. Admit mistakes: Everyone makes mistakes. That is probably the oldest cliché there is, but is true nonetheless. If you made a move and it turned out to be a disaster, then admit it. People generally forgive mistakes, but not cover-ups. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

15. Self-improvement: A real leader constantly commits himself/herself to self improvement. It is journey you must take pride in, and feel good about.

Make sure that each day the world sees you a little better than the previous day.

16. Team player: A great leader is also a great team player. S/he always puts the team's interest before her/his own. S/he is willing to forego personal accomplishments for the benefit of the team.

17. Positivity: A leader should be very positive and should be able to convey it to the team. His/her statements should reflect optimism and positivity, both in good times and, perhaps even more importantly, in bad times.

18. Pleasant demeanor: Being pleasant and approachable is very important. If you are rude and distant, your team will probably isolate you, and with good reason.

19. Informality: Sometimes informal environments are very productive. Get to know your team personally. If you control a really vast organization, it would still be helpful if you can do small yet touching things for your employees - like for example you could remember the name of a junior member you came to know briefly, and address him/her by name the next time you meet. Remembering names is a very useful skill. If your environment is really rigid or formal, you could still arrange informal outings and fun celebrations and contests.

20. Health: While this may seem a little out of place, but having a healthy body is important when you are a leader. If you have an over-weight or uncared-for body, it can subconsciously create a feeling of irresponsibility about you in the minds of people who associate with you. Maintain peak health and balance your life.

These 20 skills, when mastered, produce a killer combination in you which automatically propels you to leadership. It takes effort and time, but it is very much worth it and it can be done by anyone. Leadership skills are a very important facet of personality development, so go grab the skills now!

The Action Plan Conflict management is often a key responsibility of any leader. In this action plan, we learn about the different conflict management styles and when to use them. Mastering this can really help foster your leadership skills. Conflict is a very natural phenomenon is most human relationships. Conflict management is an extremely valuable possession when it comes to having great interpersonal skills. And it is indeed something that can be learned and mastered. This chapter deals with various styles of conflict management, when to use each one and how to use it. Each skill has its merits and each is suited to a different situation. If you are currently experiencing any sort of conflict in your work/family/social relationships, you would find a method here that can be effectively used in your particular case. It will also act as a guidepost in any future conflict situation that you may come across.

There are 5 main Conflict Resolution styles, each suited to a different scenario. Some of you may be used to predominantly using one of these styles for all your conflict situations - which means you are not getting optimal results out of every situation. Once you master which style is suited to which situation and how you can apply it, it will greatly benefit your relationships. Please read through the descriptions for all the styles before you arrive at a conclusion as to which one suits your situation the best.

The 5 conflict resolution styles are:

Competing Accommodating Avoiding Collaborating Compromising

Competing

This is a conflict resolution style which is used constantly by aggressive people. But this style is the only way to go in certain situations. Those are the situations which call for some aggressiveness. Let us first examine what this style entails, before we get into details of how and when to use it.

This style resolves a conflict by holding one's ground, without giving in to the demands of the other people involved in the conflict. It assumes that the situation is a zero sum one where one has to lose for the other to win. Here, the party relentlessly pushes his or her agenda till s/he gets his/her way.

This is the style to resort to in the following situations:

(a) When someone is too bullying, stubborn or aggressive and no other tactic stands a chance of working with them (b) When you are completely sure that the other person's demands are unjust or unethical (c) When the consequences of giving in to the other person's demands can cause serious damage.

Now how do we go about this? The WRONG way would be to be too aggressive. But you don't really have to be aggressive or even raise your voice for this to work. You just have to be stable like a mountain - and simply refuse to take "no" for an answer. You can safely ignore empty threats and hold your ground even when the other party threatens and/or tries to manipulate you. Learn to be competitive while maintaining your composure and you have really bagged a wonderful asset for life.

Accommodating

This is a style where you decide that your needs are not important, and sacrifice yourself for the other person. If this is your style of conflict resolution regardless of the situation you are in, you need to learn to be more assertive. You are not helping anyone including yourself by constantly denying your own rights. Yet, there are situations when this is indeed the right way to approach conflicts. Let us examine them.

(a) You have been proved wrong (b) The other person's needs are more pressing and critical than yours (c) When getting your way is not as important as preserving continued harmony

The WRONG way to use this style is to let the other person have what they want, then make them feel guilty for making you sacrifice your pleasures, or resenting the sacrifice even though you made it. The right way to do it would be to evaluate the situation objectively, decide whether this style is the only logical path to go through, and then just do it in good spirit - if you know you would resent this sacrifice or that the end results are not worth it, then this style is not right in your case. If the issue seems to warrant this style, then do it gracefully - that way you can increase your self-esteem and gain respect and perhaps even gratitude from the other party involved.

Avoiding

Avoiding is the only conflict management style known to many people. They imagine that the conflict will go away on its own if you pretend it doesn't exist. They expect things to always sort themselves out, but sadly that is hardly the case in most real-life situations. Still, it is worthwhile to avoid certain conflicts at least for the time being, to get optimal results. Let us examine what they are.

(a) You need to think over the issue before you can arrive at a definite solution, so you want to avoid taking immediate counter-action. (b) When the issue is a one-time thing or temporary, and you really don't have anything to gain by trying to address it (c) When you are dealing with an issue that could be sorted out later, at a more appropriate time (d) When the issue is too trivial (e) When the other party is just trying to get a rise out of you and biting that bait could lead to more trouble

Collaborating

This is a matured way of dealing with real conflict situations which need to be solved amicably. It takes emotional mastery and a mature approach. The situations which warrant the use of this style are:

(a) Where you work on a team and the issues need to be addressed satisfactorily for best productivity (b) Where you feel that you and the other party do not understand each other's position completely (c) When the situation is emotionally charged and you want to restore peace and harmony (d) When the issue is really a major one

Now how do you collaborate? This is a major skill and takes some patience and practice. But the rewards are really great once you do master it! The first and most important thing to do is to listen to the other person's point of view. Now, everyone may claim they know all about the other person's state, but no one really knows until they ask the person and really understand their position.

As a first step, take initiative and tell the other person something to the effect of "Looks like we have got differences of opinion here. We need to understand each other before we can proceed to solve it, so why don't you go first and tell me your side of it?" This sets the scene for an adult conversation, and the other person would be more open to resolving the conflict. You would also gain their trust as you agree to listen to their side first, in stead of trying to prove a point.

Now, listen to what the other person has to say. If they refuse to communicate, respect their need for space, and politely enquire when you could take up the matter again for discussion.

Once they start to tell their part, you need to listen. This is the most difficult phase, as you would be bursting with counter-arguments and reasons why theirs is not a valid point. Hold those in for now, and listen.

As you listen to them, you need to occasionally paraphrase their point of view so that you both can get to be on the same page quicker. That is to say, once they have made a point, politely tell them what you have understood from their words, and ask whether it is right. This really helps in trust-building and also in helping you see where they are coming from.

Once you have heard their side of the story, you can share yours. Straight out declaring "Now I will tell you my point of view" may put the other person in the defensive. So you could present your position by starting with agreeing to any of the valid points they made, however trivial, and then opening your case gently. "I see where you are coming from, and I agree with you that <statement you agree with>. However, regarding <statement you don't agree with> there is something I think you should know. You see, <fact> and hence I am <your position>."

Now, seek to find a middle ground. Have a clear idea of what you are ready to compromise on, and what you absolutely cannot. Give and take an inch or two, and your middle ground proposition should be accepted, resulting in a win-win situation. Some people get defensive when they feel that you are leading the show and resolving it all by yourself - so make sure you involve them and that they do, in fact, feel involved. You would find it easier to achieve a collaborative conflict resolution this way.

Compromising

Compromising is yet another conflict management style. Here you are ready to give up some of your needs (less than competing) and meet the rest of your needs (more than accommodating). This is yet another conflict resolution style which can be effectively used in the following situations:

(a) When both parties are ready to give-and-take a little (b) When a temporary solution is necessary (c) When the things you are giving up are not as important as achieving a solution (d) When the situation is too trivial to be competitive and yet too important to be accommodating (e) When the situation involves close personal relationships which need to be maintained harmoniously

Here, you arrive at a compromise by finding mutually acceptable middle ground. "I will come to watch the baseball game today with you, and tomorrow you should take me shopping" is a good example of this. This can go a long way in having lasting relationships.

Mediation

When things get too involved to find a resolution by the involved parties themselves, it is always advisable to get a mediator who is more experienced and unbiased. Often, a third party can spot the underlying issues which could go overlooked if the parties try to resolve the issues between themselves. If all else fails, this is the ideal way to go and will save you much heartache.

By effectively using the right conflict management style, we can always ensure harmony and fairness in our interpersonal associations. Taking the effort to manage this skill is a lifelong asset that could prove invaluable to you.

Chapter 7 – Communication Skills

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

- George Bernard Shaw The Wisdom Communication skills are a key to survival in today’s world. Having excellent communication skills immediately brings you respect, and helps you grab more opportunities. There are so many tools available to improve our communication skills. We can browse the internet to get a vast array of tools for that. We can join Toastmasters, which is a communication and leadership program that has benefited so many people around the world, including me. You can keep a journal or a blog and start writing. You can talk the language you are learning in order to get better at it. Also, it is very important to abide by the necessary conversational etiquette. I am outlining some tips for that in the action plan.

The Action Plan Conversational etiquette is a wonderful tool in building relationships and improving the image you present to the outer world. Remembering a few quintessential yet oft-forgotten tips can help you go a long way towards personality development. Here are 10 tips to instantly improve your conversational skills.

1. Mind your volume:

Speaking too loud or too low is considered as a sign of a weak personality. When you want to convey a point, do so in a pleasant tone and comfortable volume. Remember that just because you shout, it doesn't guarantee that you are listened to. Also, when you talk too low that others have to strain themselves to catch your words, people quickly lose interest.

2. Mind your laugh:

A loud, boisterous laugh is a sure-fire way to annoy people. It is considered impolite and a sign of poor manners. Also, covering your mouth when you laugh is a big no-no. So develop a warm, friendly and appreciative laugh.

3. Do not interrupt:

When someone is talking about something, do not interrupt it with a 'wonderful' story of your own (think "Oh, something like that happened to me too!"). Always make it a point to let the other person finish. This can be accomplished with some practice.

4. Do not assume:

Some people have a tendency to finish others' sentences for them. I used to get impatient with slow talkers and finish their sentences with them when it seemed that they took too much time or effort. It took a conscious effort on my part to change it, and it has really benefited me. Do not assume you know what they are going to say. The couple of seconds you wait for someone to finish their sentences will gain you a lot of good will.

5. Do not tune out:

People have a tendency to tune themselves out of conversations that do not interest them. This will cause their minds to wander on their own little world, and they will lose hold of what is being said. In most cases, the person talking to you will instinctively know that you are not listening to them, and feel really hurt and annoyed. It is very important to stay tuned when someone is talking or else you lose out on information and good will.

6. Really listen:

Listening is a great art and an essential tool for any great conversationalist. While this may seem paradoxical, most people feel that the good listeners are the good talkers. You need to nod along and convey that you are indeed listening by asking meaningful questions and expressing your interest. This is very vital.

7. Paraphrasing:

This is a wonderful tool when you need to ensure that both parties are on the same page. Many times, we hear not what is being said, but what we want to hear. And sometimes we unnecessarily read between the lines. This will cause information to be conveyed incorrectly. When you hear something, always tell the speaker what you heard in your own words. This is called paraphrasing. Now the speaker will know you were listening and also get a chance to correct you if you got the wrong idea. Use this technique when you speak as well. Ask the listener to paraphrase your words - tell you what they heard - and it will go a long way in improving your communication skills.

8. Do not whisper:

Whispering in public is considered very impolite and can easily alienate you from others. Always keep public conversations just that - public. Inside jokes and secrets won't make you any popular in a big group.

9. Watch your body language:

Non-verbal cues are as important - if not more - as the spoken word. Develop an open, sincere, positive and trust worthy body language. Maintain good eye contact as you speak. Clenched fists and extreme gesticulations won't win people over to you. And remember that a good body language stems from a good intent - so you need to be genuinely honest, open and trustworthy.

10. Watch your breath:

You may be a wonderful speaker and listener, but if you do not have fresh breath, you would notice a general thinning of population around you. So always watch your breath! :)

Chapter 8 – Positive Attitude

“Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?” - Dennis and Wendy Mannering

The Wisdom A positive attitude can go a long way in achieving success. Have you ever noticed how people are naturally drawn to positive, upbeat people as opposed to gloomy and negative ones? It is because someone with a positive attitude uplifts people, while one with a negative attitude sucks vitality out of them. Having a positive attitude and seeing the cup half full is also important to achieving your dreams. When we feel our dreams are attainable, we automatically start working towards them. If we think they are too big, then we never even take a first step, and sure enough, we never ever get there. In order to develop a positive attitude, we can make use of a strong tool called self-talk. This tool is explained in the Action Plan section.

The Action Plan Everyday, thousands of thoughts cruise through our mind. We can constantly hear chatter in our mind, where we talk to ourselves. You can find yourself having these 'self-talks' inside your mind before making a presentation, while meeting someone new, while looking into the mirror, while preparing for a test, while being in a group - the list is endless.

Power of self-talk

These self-talks have the power of making or breaking our personality - it influences us every waking moment, and creates our self-image. If the self-talk is positive and encouraging - "I can do it!" - then it will instantly energize you. But a negative self-talk - "I am so fat" - can undermine your confidence and weaken you from the inside.

Imagine someone giving you a compliment. How does it make you feel? Elated? Happy? Good? Now imagine the same person criticizing you. How does that make you feel? Rejected? Unworthy? Hurt? Now think about someone encouraging you to do something, vs. someone telling you "You can't do it". When someone tells you, "I trust you, you will do it," it makes you feel as though you can do it. But if you are told that you cannot do it, then immediately you begin doubting yourself and probably won't live up to the mark.

It is the same with self-talk. If you constantly tell yourself how ugly / fat / worthless / careless / hopeless you are, then it wouldn't be long before you become just that. But on the other hand, if you tell yourself you are intelligent / hardworking / early-rising / caring / confident, then you will soon find that you become that, too. In some ways negative self-talk is worse than negative input from others, because in the case of others trying to get you down, you can always choose to not be affected, but in the case of yourself trying to bring you down, your sub-conscious accepts it as the ultimate truth and stops fighting.

Developing a positive self-talk

This is an activity intended at helping you identify the potential pitfalls in your 'self-talk' and correct them. It would require conscious practice for a while before you get it right, but it is still powerful enough to start making positive changes within you from the time you first try it.

Step 1

As a first step in this activity, think about your average daily routine. Which are the times that you feel depressed? Which are the chores you just hate? Which

are the things that make you feel negative? Those are the most probable times when you would be having a negative self-talk.

For example, if looking in the mirror makes you feel depressed, you may be telling yourself "I am too fat and ugly". Or, if washing the dishes is something you try to avoid, you may be telling yourself "I hate washing dishes. It is such a chore!" If waiting in a queue makes you feel annoyed, you could very well be saying "Won't this queue ever end? I will never make it to the office on time."

Step 2

Now that you know where your self-talk gets negative, you can start countering it. How?

The second step of this activity is to make a list with three columns. In the first column, write the situation. In the second column, write the negative self-talk. Now, find a positive self-talk replacement for each negative statement. Write this new self-talk in the third column. It can be a positive affirmation or an action statement which will help you overcome any limitations.

For example, in our mirror scenario, you could replace "I am too fat and ugly" with something along the lines of "I should take up exercising. I shall join the gym this weekend. It will make the trim and fit girl within me come right out! And then I will be just as beautiful on the outside as on the inside." You can also add stuff like "Thank God for my beautiful eyes!" to this. In our dishwashing example, a good replacement would be "I am going to wash these so good that they sparkle! Let us prove that I am indeed the best housekeeper on the planet" or "I love it when the dishes are all cleaned up! Better get to it right away." If the queues bug you, you could tell yourself "I am going to get innovative and find ways to make the best use of this time. If I learn just a couple of words in a new language each day when I wait in the queue, I will soon be fluent in it! And the longer the queue, the more words I learn. Now, which language should I take up?" If you are meeting new people and find yourself getting uncomfortable, tell yourself, "They are as scared of meeting me as I am of them. I am happy, confident and comfortable. This is an opportunity to make friends!"

With a little creativity, you can turn just about any negative self-talk to positive ones.

Step 3

Now, off to the third step. Now that you know when you have negative self-talk and what to replace it with, you need to set up reminders. These are to help you actually do the replacing. You could probably write small notes in post-its and place it where the negative self-talk usually haunts you. It could be simple

statements like "Watch the talk!" or small reminders of your replacement talk, like "sparkling dishes Nobel winner!" etc. You could also use other props to help you. For example, keep a small pocket dictionary of a new language with you in a queue, to implement the positive self-talk. Get creative, and find reminders that work best for you.

Step 4

As a last step, put these new positive self-talks to practice! Whenever you find yourself having negative self-talks, consciously stop the talk and replace it with the most positive phrase you can use in the situation. Use the reminders to help you do just that. After a while, you will outgrow the reminders and positive self-talks become natural to you in situations where you previously suffered from negativity.

One thing to remember is that your positive talk should be just that - positive. Telling yourself "I am not scared" is not interpreted as a positive statement by your sub-conscious mind. In stead, use "I am confident and at ease."

With practice, you will soon find yourself having a happy frame of mind any where, any time! Your quality of life will improve, and so will your self-esteem. Enjoy!

Chapter 9 – Etiquette

“The high point of civilization is that you can hate me and I can hate you but we develop an etiquette that allows us to deal with each other because if

we acted solely upon our impulse we'd probably go to war.” - Stanley Crouch

The Wisdom Having proper etiquette is important in order to gain respect and show respect. The importance of etiquette is evident from the charm of graceful and well-mannered people, as opposed to crude and thoughtless ones. We can all learn the basic manners and etiquette and act accordingly. Etiquette is important in any communication we have with others, whether it is in person, via telephone or email or otherwise. Proper etiquette can send a message of good breeding and trustworthiness. We are not being prude when we are well-mannered – we are actually showing other people respect.

The Action Plan The action plan for this section includes a guide to handshake etiquette. Since this book is too small to list all etiquettes in the world, I decided to focus on the handshake etiquette which is essential in the modern world. 1. Stand when you shake your hands: This may seem simple and obvious, but there are people who mess this up by offering a hand while sitting down or while walking. Always make sure you stand still when you shake hands.

2. Make eye-contact and smile before you shake hands: It is always advisable to make good eye-contact and offer a pleasant smile before you shake hands. These convey that you really are pleased to meet the person you are shaking hands with.

3. Don't have sweaty palms when you shake hands: Always ensure that you have clean, dry palms before you shake hands. If you anticipate meeting new people, it is always advisable to wipe your palms clean beforehand.

4. Greet the other person: When you shake hands, greet the person. If you are meeting him/her for the first time, say "Pleasure to meet you, Miss/Mr ------" or if you know the person then "Good Morning/Afternoon" or "Hi, How are you?" is appropriate. Make sure you use the title (Mr./Miss/Dr./Rev. etc) and not the first name until you are given permission to call the person by first name. Also remember that when you meet a person for the first time, using his/her name (last name/first name as is appropriate) will help you remember it, and avoid awkward situations where you need to be introduced again to the same person.

5. Have a firm handshake: A limp handshake always leaves a bad impression, so does a bone-crunching handshake. If you are shaking hands with a lady, you can still have a firm handshake - many ladies are offended when someone gives them a limp handshake just because they are women.

6. Length is important: Although etiquette books advise that a good handshake should be about 5 seconds long, you can always take cues from the other person and deliver your handshake accordingly. If a person wants a lengthier/ shorter handshake, give it to them.

7. Thumb-to-thumb grip: A good handshake is not a finger or palm shake. The web between your thumb and index finger should meet the web between their thumb and index finger, for a good handshake. Also, remember that your left hand should NOT be in a pocket or otherwise defensive position when you shake hands - it should always be in a visible place, unclenched and open. In an intimate setting, you may use the left hand to cup the other person's hand, or touch the other person's forearm, elbow, or shoulder.

8. Handshake should be an up-down motion: You should shake hands up and down, not side to side. Also remember that when you shake hands, the movement should be from the wrist point onwards, not just fingers.

9. Initiating a handshake: A handshake should be offered by the person of a higher rank, to the person of a lower rank, in a setting. For example the interviewer should first offer the hand to the interviewed person (otherwise it is considered as an attempt to dominate the interview), the CEO to the junior employee etc. This is applicable to both men and women. However, in a social setting, it is advisable that a man should wait until a lady offers her hand first, before shaking her hands. But many women will not be offended even if you offer her a hand first. In a business setting, a senior employee who is a man should initiate the handshake to a junior lady. Also remember, if by mistake you initiate a handshake when you shouldn't have, just go ahead and finish it properly anyway. The worst mistake is to withdraw a hand mid-shake.

10. Always end your hand-shake with a pleasant smile and eye-contact.

Chapter 10 – Spirituality

“Sometimes people get the mistaken notion that spirituality is a separate department of life, the penthouse of existence. But rightly understood, it is a

vital awareness that pervades all realms of our being.” - David Steindl-Rast

The Wisdom Finding your spiritual side is an important step in the journey of holistic Personality Development. However, many people do not realize the importance of being in touch with one's spirituality. Spirituality is not merely following customs and traditions of your chosen religion, although that helps too. Spirituality is an inner awareness of one's connectedness with something higher, call it God or Collective or Source or Life Force. It is the wonderful feeling that we are all part of a big picture, and that each of us is connected.

Let me share 8 ways to embrace spirituality in our busy and often cluttered every day life.

1. Meditation: When we are silent and peaceful, we can hear the gentle rhythm of our soul. Whether we choose to adopt a guided meditation, a trance meditation, a visualization meditation or any other of the thousands of forms available, it will still work as long as you get a few moments of peace, quiet and calm reflection. You don't even have to assume a pose for it - you can do it while you are performing mindless chores or even exercise.

2. Prayer: Prayer is an extremely effective way for us to connect to the spiritual realm, whether we are praying to God, Goddess, angels or other entities. It still is an acceptance that we are all connected, and there is a bigger picture to life. We don't have to pray only during times of distress, or even recite hymns - we can just say a quick, silent prayer before we begin our day and/or retire for the night.

3. Gratitude: Gratitude opens a floodgate of inner peace, and thereby spiritual awareness. Count your blessings. Bless the food you eat. Make a list of things you are grateful for. All these will open us up, and bring us closer to experiencing peace and awakening. When we are grateful for everything from our food to

our life, we are acknowledging the presence of a Universal Energy and welcoming more positivity into our lives.

4. Compassion: Compassion and empathy are true spiritual bridges. When we feel for another and connect with them, we are indeed connecting to the spiritual realm. Only a truly spiritual person can truly feel another's pain and pleasure. And if you can do it, then you are spiritual, whether or not you "believe" in spirituality. :)

5. Rituals: Rituals are very powerful. Having simple 2-minute positive rituals, done in good spirit, can help you feel more connected and peaceful. For example, if you always bless the food before you eat it, or light incense sticks in the evening, or wish goodwill to everyone before you sleep; you are attracting the path of spirituality and awareness into yourself.

6. Chakras: Having knowledge of your 7 chakras and how to open them up, is very helpful in a quest for spirituality. The 7 chakras are Crown Chakra (top of your head, violet/white), Third Eye Chakra (between your brows, indigo), Throat Chakra (throat, blue), Heart chakra (mid-chest, green), Solar Plexus Chakra (navel, yellow), Spleen Chakra (lower abdomen, orange) and Root Chakra (between genitals and anus, red).

7. Company: Spirituality, like any other quality, can be imbibed through constant interaction with highly aware, spiritual and conscious people. Being with people who are too worldly can often bring your awareness levels down, but contact with aware and spiritual souls can really help you boost it up. And if you cannot find such people in your locality, find them online!

8. Kindness and Helpfulness: Being kind and extending a helping hand to another in need is a very spiritual act. If you can selflessly help someone out, however trifle the thing may be, it still boosts your awareness, peace and connectedness. Even if you do not believe that the Universe will repay your kindnesses threefold, you can still feel a sense of elation and fulfillment through acts of kindness. It is essentially what a spiritual experience is all about!

The Action Plan The action plan to embrace spirituality involves a very simple meditation. Take out half an hour from your schedule to be with yourself. Make sure the phone is switched off, the TV is not on and there are no possibilities for distractions. Lie down or sit very comfortably, in an uncluttered room. Soft music, candle light, incense or any other setting can be used to heighten the mood. Breathe in and out deeply and fully. Relax your entire body. Focus on each Chakra, and visualize it opening up and radiating energy. Visualize yourself on a calm beach; hear the ripple of the waves, sense the salty tinge in the wind, feel the moist sand under your feet. Sit there comfortably, rejuvenating your soul. Embrace the inner child. Walk on the beach if you like. Maybe you find a beautiful conch shell. Enjoy it. Be there as long as you want, feel yourself getting stronger and stronger, ready to face anything, restored to your full potential. Make any positive reaffirmations that you may want to do. Feel grateful for being alive, and for everything that is right in your life. Feel grateful for the fact that you always have a choice. Then gently, walk away from the beach and enter the present. Visualize your chakras closing down after leaving you in the protection of a gentle light that surrounds you. Lie down for as much longer as you want, sleep if you will. When you wake up, you will feel relaxed and refreshed.

Before we part…

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you?'”

- William A. Ward Before you put down this book, I would like to take a moment to thank you for purchasing this book, and more importantly, reading it. The soul of this book lies in the value it adds to the reader. As a reader of this book I know you to be an empowered individual who makes a conscious effort towards his personal growth, accepting responsibility for his past, present and future. It is my dream that the tools shared in this book help you on your path to success. If I am able to give you ideas that further your cause of personal development, I will consider this book worthwhile. Thank you again for your time and interest. Gayathri Moosad http://www.gayathrimoosad.com. The Personality Development Workbook