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THE [NOT SO] FUNNIES

you!

8

Jack Hegingacham

A retelling of Hans Christian Anderson's "The Emperor Has No Clothes."

Once upon a time there lived a very wealthy King who was notoriously obsessed with his appearance.

Having heard of the King's infamous vanity, a few con artists came to his city claiming to be master designers of the most prized garments ever created. They came with impressive letters of introduction from other Kings of remote and exotic lands which described the wonders of their weaving skills. They proposed making the King an outfit that would be the envy of all who saw it.

The King never spared any expense on such luxuries, so soon after the tailors received a large down payment on their promised masterpiece, they began their 'work' in a locked, secluded room which only the tailors could enter.

Within a week, the crafty opportunists requested even more gold and precious stones to weave into the special fabric. At first, the King was hesitant so the con men agreed that he--and only he--

could arrange to stop by their room to examine the progress. They told him that the reason it was so expensive was that it possessed the most amazing magic which dazzled the eyes of the wise but was invisible to common fools. Intrigued, the King decided to meet the next day so he could preview the garment and deliver another fortune in gold and jewels in payment to the cunning 'craftsmen'.

When the King entered the tailors' room, they proceeded to have him disrobe and drape him with the imaginary cloth in front of a large mirror. Of course the king could not see the robes, but rather than let the two men know he was a fool, he went along with the charade hoping that someday he would see its beauty.

After this initial disappointment, the king stopped by every day and went into great detail about the reflection of the jewels and the intricacy of the gold embroidery. After a few more weeks of daily visits and several more deposits of jewels and gold, the king could still not see this fabulous garment but because the wily con-men described it exactly the same at every fitting, the king knew exactly how it should look.

The Naked Truth is [Not So] Funny

Since the king was not allowed to show anyone the garment until it was finished, he described the garment in great detail to his court every day until the garment was completed and the con men left town with a large portion of the Kingdom’s treasury.

Through a most remarkable piece of luck, the very next week was the Kingdom's largest annual festival and everybody who was anybody for hundreds of miles would be attending.

Since the king still couldn’t quite see his new garment, he thought it best to call a special session of his most respected court officials and ask their opinion before appearing in these new clothes at the festival. When they were all assembled he made his grand entrance wearing his new clothes. Of course no one in the court saw anything but his undergarments, but thanks to his incessant descriptions over the last few weeks, they knew exactly what they should be seeing.

Much to the king’s delight, they all described the garment as the tailors had done for him. Despite the large size of the King's court, no one spoke of his nakedness for fear that all would know

they were fools and not worthy of being in the King’s court.

By the first day of the festival, the foolish King dressed himself as instructed by the tailors, now long gone. All in attendance had heard the story of the magical qualities of the garment, and when the King made his grand entrance no one saw anything but his undergarments.

As the King proceeded up the royal path, all remained silent but one young child who looked up at his parents and asked "Why is that man wearing no clothes?"

Some who overheard the child's question started to laugh, and as others heard their laughter, they could not restrain themselves and also began laughing. Soon, the entire multitude was in tears laughing so loudly that the vain king was never able to show his face in public again.

As the story of the King's foolishness spread, the kingdom went bankrupt and bandits overwhelmed the land.

The moral of the story as said by Edward R. Murrow: Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit.

CRAPPY CONSPIRACY

A man turned to the woman seated next to him on an airplane and said, "What's that book you're reading?"

The New Pearl Harbor by Dr. David Ray Griffin."

"What's it about?"

It's about how the Bush Adminsistration orchestrated the 9/11 attacks so they could invade the Middle East and the subsequesnt 9/11 Commission whitewash."

The man's jaw dropped, his face slowly turned red, and he said "That's so ridiculous it's not even worth discussing."

Silence.

The woman said, "Okay, then. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the man. I have no idea."

"Well then," the woman said, "How is it that you think you know what happened on 9/11 when you don't know $#!+?"

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The liberty your gift can bring: ...Priceless!

BOOK 'EM BOBBY

submitted by Mia Hamel

George W. Bush returned to Booker Elementary School to talk to the kids and get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have three questions. First, why are you President when Al Gore and John Kerry got more votes? Second, why did you just keep reading that book about pet goats? And third, why was Cheney there holding your hand and the 9/11 Commissioners weren't allowed to take notes?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Geoge Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right--question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Bobby," he responds.

"And what is your question, Bobby?"

"Actually, I have five questions. Why are you President when Al Gore and John Kerry got more votes? Second, why did you just keep reading that book about pet goats? Third, why was Cheney there holding your hand and the 9/11 Commissioners weren't allowed to take notes? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off twenty minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

There's something' happening here,What it is ain't exactly clear.There's a man with a gun over there,Tellin' me I gotta beware.I think it's time we stop,Hey, what's that sound?Everybody look,What's going down? ~Steven Stills, 1966

investigative reporters have lost their jobs over the past 15 years—the people who could connect the dots between the money that came from the corporate polluters, to the White House. Then the rollbacks that were engineered by the White House and to the asthmatic kids that you see in New York City and all over this country. Nobody's making those connections. Nobody's connecting the dots. So when you see the asthmatic kid, you're not saying the White House has something to do with that.

The fact that in 19 states you can no longer safely eat any freshwater fish caught in the state because of mercury contamination coming from coal burning power plants that were supposed to have removed 90% of that mercury five years ago, but the White House--having accepted $48 million from that industry, rolled back those rules, so that now there are 19 states where all the fresh water fish are unsafe to eat. And in 49 states, most or some of the freshwater fish, including New York-which most of the fish are unsafe to eat. The only state where all the freshwater fish are safe to eat is Wyoming--where the Republican controlled legislature has refused to appropriate the money to test the fish.

(Laughter)

But all the other states, some, most, or all of them are unsafe to eat. According to the CDC, one in every six American women now has so much mercury in her womb, one out of every six, that her children are in for a grim inventory of diseases—autism, blindness, mental retardation, heart, liver, and kidney diseases. My levels of mercury are 2.5 times what the EPA considers safe, just from eating fish. And all of this could have been stopped except that Bush abolished the mercury rule, but there's no-but Americans just don't know that.

I go and buy my fishing license for $30 a year—every year in New York state and every year I look at the fish advisories which are now this thick (holding up fingers approximating 2 inches.) That basically say there's only a few places where you can safely fish in New York State. I read through that thing and I say, 'That son of a bitch, George Bush,' but most fishermen who buy that thing don't make that connection.

The reason they don't make the connection is there are no investigative reporters out there telling them about that connection.