The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT ISCENE I. Windsor. Before PAGE's house.Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANSSHALLOWSir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir JohnFalstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.SLENDERIn the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and'Coram.'SHALLOWAy, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.SLENDERAy, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in anybill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'SHALLOWAy, that I do; and have done any time these threehundred years.SLENDERAll his successors gone before him hath done't; andall his ancestors that come after him may: they maygive the dozen white luces in their coat.SHALLOWIt is an old coat.SIR HUGH EVANSThe dozen white louses do become an old coat well;it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast toman, and signifies love.SHALLOWThe luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.SLENDERI may quarter, coz.SHALLOWYou may, by marrying.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is marring indeed, if he quarter it.SHALLOWNot a whit.SIR HUGH EVANSYes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,there is but three skirts for yourself, in mysimple conjectures: but that is all one. If SirJohn Falstaff have committed disparagements untoyou, I am of the church, and will be glad to do mybenevolence to make atonements and compremisesbetween you.SHALLOWThe council shall bear it; it is a riot.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is not meet the council hear a riot; there is nofear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shalldesire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear ariot; take your vizaments in that.SHALLOWHa! o' my life, if I were young again, the swordshould end it.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:and there is also another device in my prain, whichperadventure prings goot discretions with it: thereis Anne Page, which is daughter to Master ThomasPage, which is pretty virginity.SLENDERMistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speakssmall like a woman.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is that fery person for all the orld, as just asyou will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon hisdeath's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen yearsold: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribblesand prabbles, and desire a marriage between MasterAbraham and Mistress Anne Page.SLENDERDid her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?SIR HUGH EVANSAy, and her father is make her a petter penny.SLENDERI know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.SIR HUGH EVANSSeven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.SHALLOWWell, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?SIR HUGH EVANSShall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I dodespise one that is false, or as I despise one thatis not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, Ibeseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I willpeat the door for Master Page.KnocksWhat, hoa! Got pless your house here!PAGE[Within] Who's there?Enter PAGESIR HUGH EVANSHere is Got's plessing, and your friend, and JusticeShallow; and here young Master Slender, thatperadventures shall tell you another tale, ifmatters grow to your likings.PAGEI am glad to see your worships well.I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.SHALLOWMaster Page, I am glad to see you: much good do ityour good heart! I wished your venison better; itwas ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and Ithank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.PAGESir, I thank you.SHALLOWSir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.PAGEI am glad to see you, good Master Slender.SLENDERHow does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say hewas outrun on Cotsall.PAGEIt could not be judged, sir.SLENDERYou'll not confess, you'll not confess.SHALLOWThat he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;'tis a good dog.PAGEA cur, sir.SHALLOWSir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there bemore said? he is good and fair. Is Sir JohnFalstaff here?PAGESir, he is within; and I would I could do a goodoffice between you.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.SHALLOWHe hath wronged me, Master Page.PAGESir, he doth in some sort confess it.SHALLOWIf it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not thatso, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed hehath, at a word, he hath, believe me: RobertShallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.PAGEHere comes Sir John.Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOLFALSTAFFNow, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?SHALLOWKnight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, andbroke open my lodge.FALSTAFFBut not kissed your keeper's daughter?SHALLOWTut, a pin! this shall be answered.FALSTAFFI will answer it straight; I have done all this.That is now answered.SHALLOWThe council shall know this.FALSTAFF'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:you'll be laughed at.SIR HUGH EVANSPauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.FALSTAFFGood worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke yourhead: what matter have you against me?SLENDERMarry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,Nym, and Pistol.BARDOLPHYou Banbury cheese!SLENDERAy, it is no matter.PISTOLHow now, Mephostophilus!SLENDERAy, it is no matter.NYMSlice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.SLENDERWhere's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?SIR HUGH EVANSPeace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There isthree umpires in this matter, as I understand; thatis, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there ismyself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.PAGEWe three, to hear it and end it between them.SIR HUGH EVANSFery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause withas great discreetly as we can.FALSTAFFPistol!PISTOLHe hears with ears.SIR HUGH EVANSThe tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'Hehears with ear'? why, it is affectations.FALSTAFFPistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?SLENDERAy, by these gloves, did he, or I would I mightnever come in mine own great chamber again else, ofseven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edwardshovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and twopence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.FALSTAFFIs this true, Pistol?SIR HUGH EVANSNo; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.PISTOLHa, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.Word of denial in thy labras here!Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!SLENDERBy these gloves, then, 'twas he.NYMBe avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook'shumour on me; that is the very note of it.SLENDERBy this hat, then, he in the red face had it; forthough I cannot remember what I did when you made medrunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.FALSTAFFWhat say you, Scarlet and John?BARDOLPHWhy, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunkhimself out of his five sentences.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!BARDOLPHAnd being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; andso conclusions passed the careires.SLENDERAy, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis nomatter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that havethe fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.SIR HUGH EVANSSo Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.FALSTAFFYou hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, followingPAGENay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.Exit ANNE PAGESLENDERO heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.PAGEHow now, Mistress Ford!FALSTAFFMistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:by your leave, good mistress.Kisses herPAGEWife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have ahot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hopewe shall drink down all unkindness.Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANSSLENDERI had rather than forty shillings I had my Book ofSongs and Sonnets here.Enter SIMPLEHow now, Simple! where have you been? I must waiton myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddlesabout you, have you?SIMPLEBook of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to AliceShortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnightafore Michaelmas?SHALLOWCome, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word withyou, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, atender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hughhere. Do you understand me?SLENDERAy, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,I shall do that that is reason.SHALLOWNay, but understand me.SLENDERSo I do, sir.SIR HUGH EVANSGive ear to his motions, Master Slender: I willdescription the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.SLENDERNay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I prayyou, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in hiscountry, simple though I stand here.SIR HUGH EVANSBut that is not the question: the question isconcerning your marriage.SHALLOWAy, there's the point, sir.SIR HUGH EVANSMarry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.SLENDERWhy, if it be so, I will marry her upon anyreasonable demands.SIR HUGH EVANSBut can you affection the 'oman? Let us command toknow that of your mouth or of your lips; for diversphilosophers hold that the lips is parcel of themouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry yourgood will to the maid?SHALLOWCousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?SLENDERI hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one thatwould do reason.SIR HUGH EVANSNay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speakpossitable, if you can carry her your desirestowards her.SHALLOWThat you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?SLENDERI will do a greater thing than that, upon yourrequest, cousin, in any reason.SHALLOWNay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I dois to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?SLENDERI will marry her, sir, at your request: but if therebe no great love in the beginning, yet heaven maydecrease it upon better acquaintance, when we aremarried and have more occasion to know one another;I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; thatI am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is inthe ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to ourmeaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.SHALLOWAy, I think my cousin meant well.SLENDERAy, or else I would I might be hanged, la!SHALLOWHere comes fair Mistress Anne.Re-enter ANNE PAGEWould I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!ANNE PAGEThe dinner is on the table; my father desires yourworships' company.SHALLOWI will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.SIR HUGH EVANSOd's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANSANNE PAGEWill't please your worship to come in, sir?SLENDERNo, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.ANNE PAGEThe dinner attends you, sir.SLENDERI am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon mycousin Shallow.Exit SIMPLEA justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to hisfriend for a man. I keep but three men and a boyyet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet Ilive like a poor gentleman born.ANNE PAGEI may not go in without your worship: they will notsit till you come.SLENDERI' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much asthough I did.ANNE PAGEI pray you, sir, walk in.SLENDERI had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruisedmy shin th' other day with playing at sword anddagger with a master of fence; three veneys for adish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannotabide the smell of hot meat since. Why do yourdogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?ANNE PAGEI think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.SLENDERI love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel atit as any man in England. You are afraid, if you seethe bear loose, are you not?ANNE PAGEAy, indeed, sir.SLENDERThat's meat and drink to me, now. I have seenSackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him bythe chain; but, I warrant you, the women have socried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favoredrough things.Re-enter PAGEPAGECome, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.SLENDERI'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.PAGEBy cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.SLENDERNay, pray you, lead the way.PAGECome on, sir.SLENDERMistress Anne, yourself shall go first.ANNE PAGENot I, sir; pray you, keep on.SLENDERI'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!ExeuntSCENE II. The same.Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLESIR HUGH EVANSGo your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house whichis the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,which is in the manner of his nurse, or his drynurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, andhis wringer.SIMPLEWell, sir.SIR HUGH EVANSNay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for itis a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance withMistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desireand require her to solicit your master's desires toMistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I willmake an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.ExeuntSCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn.Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBINFALSTAFFMine host of the Garter!HostWhat says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.FALSTAFFTruly, mine host, I must turn away some of myfollowers.HostDiscard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.FALSTAFFI sit at ten pounds a week.HostThou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. Iwill entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shalltap: said I well, bully Hector?FALSTAFFDo so, good mine host.HostI have spoke; let him follow.To BARDOLPHLet me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.ExitFALSTAFFBardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a witheredserving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.BARDOLPHIt is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.PISTOLO base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?Exit BARDOLPHNYMHe was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?FALSTAFFI am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: histhefts were too open; his filching was like anunskilful singer; he kept not time.NYMThe good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.PISTOL'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a ficofor the phrase!FALSTAFFWell, sirs, I am almost out at heels.PISTOLWhy, then, let kibes ensue.FALSTAFFThere is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.PISTOLYoung ravens must have food.FALSTAFFWhich of you know Ford of this town?PISTOLI ken the wight: he is of substance good.FALSTAFFMy honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.PISTOLTwo yards, and more.FALSTAFFNo quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist twoyards about; but I am now about no waste; I am aboutthrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford'swife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: Ican construe the action of her familiar style; andthe hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englishedrightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'PISTOLHe hath studied her will, and translated her will,out of honesty into English.NYMThe anchor is deep: will that humour pass?FALSTAFFNow, the report goes she has all the rule of herhusband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.PISTOLAs many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.NYMThe humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.FALSTAFFI have writ me here a letter to her: and hereanother to Page's wife, who even now gave me goodeyes too, examined my parts with most judiciousoeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded myfoot, sometimes my portly belly.PISTOLThen did the sun on dunghill shine.NYMI thank thee for that humour.FALSTAFFO, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such agreedy intention, that the appetite of her eye didseem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here'sanother letter to her: she bears the purse too; sheis a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I willbe cheater to them both, and they shall beexchequers to me; they shall be my East and WestIndies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thouthis letter to Mistress Page; and thou this toMistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.PISTOLShall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!NYMI will run no base humour: here, take thehumour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.FALSTAFF[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBINPISTOLLet vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,Base Phrygian Turk!NYMI have operations which be humours of revenge.PISTOLWilt thou revenge?NYMBy welkin and her star!PISTOLWith wit or steel?NYMWith both the humours, I:I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.PISTOLAnd I to Ford shall eke unfoldHow Falstaff, varlet vile,His dove will prove, his gold will hold,And his soft couch defile.NYMMy humour shall not cool: I will incense Page todeal with poison; I will possess him withyellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:that is my true humour.PISTOLThou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.ExeuntSCENE IV. A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBYMISTRESS QUICKLYWhat, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,and see if you can see my master, Master DoctorCaius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing ofGod's patience and the king's English.RUGBYI'll go watch.MISTRESS QUICKLYGo; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, infaith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.Exit RUGBYAn honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servantshall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, notell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,that he is given to prayer; he is something peevishthat way: but nobody but has his fault; but letthat pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?SIMPLEAy, for fault of a better.MISTRESS QUICKLYAnd Master Slender's your master?SIMPLEAy, forsooth.MISTRESS QUICKLYDoes he not wear a great round beard, like aglover's paring-knife?SIMPLENo, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with alittle yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.MISTRESS QUICKLYA softly-sprighted man, is he not?SIMPLEAy, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his handsas any is between this and his head; he hath foughtwith a warrener.MISTRESS QUICKLYHow say you? O, I should remember him: does he nothold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?SIMPLEYes, indeed, does he.MISTRESS QUICKLYWell, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! TellMaster Parson Evans I will do what I can for yourmaster: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--Re-enter RUGBYRUGBYOut, alas! here comes my master.MISTRESS QUICKLYWe shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;go into this closet: he will not stay long.Shuts SIMPLE in the closetWhat, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubthe be not well, that he comes not home.SingingAnd down, down, adown-a, & c.Enter DOCTOR CAIUSDOCTOR CAIUSVat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.MISTRESS QUICKLYAy, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.AsideI am glad he went not in himself: if he had foundthe young man, he would have been horn-mad.DOCTOR CAIUSFe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Jem'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.MISTRESS QUICKLYIs it this, sir?DOCTOR CAIUSOui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vereis dat knave Rugby?MISTRESS QUICKLYWhat, John Rugby! John!RUGBYHere, sir!DOCTOR CAIUSYou are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.RUGBY'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.DOCTOR CAIUSBy my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.MISTRESS QUICKLYAy me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!DOCTOR CAIUSO diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!Pulling SIMPLE outRugby, my rapier!MISTRESS QUICKLYGood master, be content.DOCTOR CAIUSWherefore shall I be content-a?MISTRESS QUICKLYThe young man is an honest man.DOCTOR CAIUSWhat shall de honest man do in my closet? dere isno honest man dat shall come in my closet.MISTRESS QUICKLYI beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truthof it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.DOCTOR CAIUSVell.SIMPLEAy, forsooth; to desire her to--MISTRESS QUICKLYPeace, I pray you.DOCTOR CAIUSPeace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.SIMPLETo desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, tospeak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for mymaster in the way of marriage.MISTRESS QUICKLYThis is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put myfinger in the fire, and need not.DOCTOR CAIUSSir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.Tarry you a little-a while.WritesMISTRESS QUICKLY[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if hehad been thoroughly moved, you should have heard himso loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,man, I'll do you your master what good I can: andthe very yea and the no is, the French doctor, mymaster,--I may call him my master, look you, for Ikeep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and doall myself,--SIMPLE[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge tocome under one body's hand.MISTRESS QUICKLY[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? youshall find it a great charge: and to be up earlyand down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you inyour ear; I would have no words of it,--my masterhimself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: butnotwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that'sneither here nor there.DOCTOR CAIUSYou jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; bygar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in deepark; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priestto meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not goodyou tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his twostones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throwat his dog:Exit SIMPLEMISTRESS QUICKLYAlas, he speaks but for his friend.DOCTOR CAIUSIt is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a medat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, Ivill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed minehost of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, Iwill myself have Anne Page.MISTRESS QUICKLYSir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. Wemust give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!DOCTOR CAIUSRugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I havenot Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of mydoor. Follow my heels, Rugby.Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBYMISTRESS QUICKLYYou shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, Iknow Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsorknows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do morethan I do with her, I thank heaven.FENTON[Within] Who's within there? ho!MISTRESS QUICKLYWho's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.Enter FENTONFENTONHow now, good woman? how dost thou?MISTRESS QUICKLYThe better that it pleases your good worship to ask.FENTONWhat news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?MISTRESS QUICKLYIn truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, andgentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell youthat by the way; I praise heaven for it.FENTONShall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?MISTRESS QUICKLYTroth, sir, all is in his hands above: butnotwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on abook, she loves you. Have not your worship a wartabove your eye?FENTONYes, marry, have I; what of that?MISTRESS QUICKLYWell, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is suchanother Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as everbroke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. Ishall never laugh but in that maid's company! Butindeed she is given too much to allicholy andmusing: but for you--well, go to.FENTONWell, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's moneyfor thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: ifthou seest her before me, commend me.MISTRESS QUICKLYWill I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell yourworship more of the wart the next time we haveconfidence; and of other wooers.FENTONWell, farewell; I am in great haste now.MISTRESS QUICKLYFarewell to your worship.Exit FENTONTruly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Outupon't! what have I forgot?ExitACT IISCENE I. Before PAGE'S house.Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letterMISTRESS PAGEWhat, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?Let me see.Reads'Ask me no reason why I love you; for thoughLove use Reason for his physician, he admits himnot for his counsellor. You are not young, no moream I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: youlove sack, and so do I; would you desire bettersympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--atthe least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tisnot a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,Thine own true knight,By day or night,Or any kind of light,With all his mightFor thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wickedworld! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces withage to show himself a young gallant! What anunweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkardpicked--with the devil's name!--out of myconversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! Whatshould I say to him? I was then frugal of mymirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a billin the parliament for the putting down of men. Howshall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,as sure as his guts are made of puddings.Enter MISTRESS FORDMISTRESS FORDMistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.MISTRESS PAGEAnd, trust me, I was coming to you. You look veryill.MISTRESS FORDNay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.MISTRESS PAGEFaith, but you do, in my mind.MISTRESS FORDWell, I do then; yet I say I could show you to thecontrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!MISTRESS PAGEWhat's the matter, woman?MISTRESS FORDO woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, Icould come to such honour!MISTRESS PAGEHang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What isit? dispense with trifles; what is it?MISTRESS FORDIf I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,I could be knighted.MISTRESS PAGEWhat? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knightswill hack; and so thou shouldst not alter thearticle of thy gentry.MISTRESS FORDWe burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how Imight be knighted. I shall think the worse of fatmen, as long as I have an eye to make difference ofmen's liking: and yet he would not swear; praisedwomen's modesty; and gave such orderly andwell-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that Iwould have sworn his disposition would have gone tothe truth of his words; but they do no more adhereand keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm tothe tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in hisbelly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revengedon him? I think the best way were to entertain himwith hope, till the wicked fire of lust have meltedhim in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?MISTRESS PAGELetter for letter, but that the name of Page andFord differs! To thy great comfort in this mysteryof ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thyletter: but let thine inherit first; for, Iprotest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath athousand of these letters, writ with blank space fordifferent names--sure, more,--and these are of thesecond edition: he will print them, out of doubt;for he cares not what he puts into the press, whenhe would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find youtwenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.MISTRESS FORDWhy, this is the very same; the very hand, the verywords. What doth he think of us?MISTRESS PAGENay, I know not: it makes me almost ready towrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertainmyself like one that I am not acquainted withal;for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that Iknow not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.MISTRESS FORD'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep himabove deck.MISTRESS PAGESo will I if he come under my hatches, I'll neverto sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let'sappoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort inhis suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.MISTRESS FORDNay, I will consent to act any villany against him,that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,that my husband saw this letter! it would giveeternal food to his jealousy.MISTRESS PAGEWhy, look where he comes; and my good man too: he'sas far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.MISTRESS FORDYou are the happier woman.MISTRESS PAGELet's consult together against this greasy knight.Come hither.They retireEnter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYMFORDWell, I hope it be not so.PISTOLHope is a curtal dog in some affairs:Sir John affects thy wife.FORDWhy, sir, my wife is not young.PISTOLHe wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,Both young and old, one with another, Ford;He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.FORDLove my wife!PISTOLWith liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:O, odious is the name!FORDWhat name, sir?PISTOLThe horn, I say. Farewell.Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.Away, Sir Corporal Nym!Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.ExitFORD[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.NYM[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humourof lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: Ishould have borne the humoured letter to her; but Ihave a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tistrue: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,and there's the humour of it. Adieu.ExitPAGE'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellowfrights English out of his wits.FORDI will seek out Falstaff.PAGEI never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.FORDIf I do find it: well.PAGEI will not believe such a Cataian, though the priesto' the town commended him for a true man.FORD'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.PAGEHow now, Meg!MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forwardMISTRESS PAGEWhither go you, George? Hark you.MISTRESS FORDHow now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?FORDI melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.MISTRESS FORDFaith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,will you go, Mistress Page?MISTRESS PAGEHave with you. You'll come to dinner, George.Aside to MISTRESS FORDLook who comes yonder: she shall be our messengerto this paltry knight.MISTRESS FORD[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:she'll fit it.Enter MISTRESS QUICKLYMISTRESS PAGEYou are come to see my daughter Anne?MISTRESS QUICKLYAy, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?MISTRESS PAGEGo in with us and see: we have an hour's talk withyou.Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLYPAGEHow now, Master Ford!FORDYou heard what this knave told me, did you not?PAGEYes: and you heard what the other told me?FORDDo you think there is truth in them?PAGEHang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight wouldoffer it: but these that accuse him in his intenttowards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;very rogues, now they be out of service.FORDWere they his men?PAGEMarry, were they.FORDI like it never the better for that. Does he lie atthe Garter?PAGEAy, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyagetowards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; andwhat he gets more of her than sharp words, let itlie on my head.FORDI do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath toturn them together. A man may be too confident: Iwould have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.PAGELook where my ranting host of the Garter comes:there is either liquor in his pate or money in hispurse when he looks so merrily.Enter HostHow now, mine host!HostHow now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.Cavaleiro-justice, I say!Enter SHALLOWSHALLOWI follow, mine host, I follow. Good even andtwenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you gowith us? we have sport in hand.HostTell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.SHALLOWSir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hughthe Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.FORDGood mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.Drawing him asideHostWhat sayest thou, my bully-rook?SHALLOW[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? Mymerry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.They converse apartHostHast thou no suit against my knight, myguest-cavaleire?FORDNone, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle ofburnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell himmy name is Brook; only for a jest.HostMy hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It isa merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?SHALLOWHave with you, mine host.PAGEI have heard the Frenchman hath good skill inhis rapier.SHALLOWTut, sir, I could have told you more. In these timesyou stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, andI know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tishere, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my longsword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.HostHere, boys, here, here! shall we wag?PAGEHave with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGEFORDThough Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmlyon his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off myopinion so easily: she was in his company at Page'shouse; and what they made there, I know not. Well,I will look further into't: and I have a disguiseto sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose notmy labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.ExitSCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn.Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOLFALSTAFFI will not lend thee a penny.PISTOLWhy, then the world's mine oyster.Which I with sword will open.FALSTAFFNot a penny. I have been content, sir, you shouldlay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon mygood friends for three reprieves for you and yourcoach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked throughthe grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned inhell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you weregood soldiers and tall fellows; and when MistressBridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't uponmine honour thou hadst it not.PISTOLDidst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?FALSTAFFReason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'llendanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no moreabout me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knifeand a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! youstand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinablebaseness, it is as much as I can do to keep theterms of my honour precise: I, I, I myselfsometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left handand hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain toshuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountainlooks, your red-lattice phrases, and yourbold-beating oaths, under the shelter of yourhonour! You will not do it, you!PISTOLI do relent: what would thou more of man?Enter ROBINROBINSir, here's a woman would speak with you.FALSTAFFLet her approach.Enter MISTRESS QUICKLYMISTRESS QUICKLYGive your worship good morrow.FALSTAFFGood morrow, good wife.MISTRESS QUICKLYNot so, an't please your worship.FALSTAFFGood maid, then.MISTRESS QUICKLYI'll be sworn,As my mother was, the first hour I was born.FALSTAFFI do believe the swearer. What with me?MISTRESS QUICKLYShall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?FALSTAFFTwo thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe theethe hearing.MISTRESS QUICKLYThere is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come alittle nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with masterDoctor Caius,--FALSTAFFWell, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--MISTRESS QUICKLYYour worship says very true: I pray your worship,come a little nearer this ways.FALSTAFFI warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mineown people.MISTRESS QUICKLYAre they so? God bless them and make them his servants!FALSTAFFWell, Mistress Ford; what of her?MISTRESS QUICKLYWhy, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! yourworship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and allof us, I pray!FALSTAFFMistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, this is the short and the long of it; youhave brought her into such a canaries as 'tiswonderful. The best courtier of them all, when thecourt lay at Windsor, could never have brought herto such a canary. Yet there has been knights, andlords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrantyou, coach after coach, letter after letter, giftafter gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and sorushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and insuch alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar ofthe best and the fairest, that would have won anywoman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could neverget an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angelsgiven me this morning; but I defy all angels, inany such sort, as they say, but in the way ofhonesty: and, I warrant you, they could never gether so much as sip on a cup with the proudest ofthem all: and yet there has been earls, nay, whichis more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.FALSTAFFBut what says she to me? be brief, my goodshe-Mercury.MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, she hath received your letter, for the whichshe thanks you a thousand times; and she gives youto notify that her husband will be absence from hishouse between ten and eleven.FALSTAFFTen and eleven?MISTRESS QUICKLYAy, forsooth; and then you may come and see thepicture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweetwoman leads an ill life with him: he's a veryjealousy man: she leads a very frampold life withhim, good heart.FALSTAFFTen and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I willnot fail her.MISTRESS QUICKLYWhy, you say well. But I have another messenger toyour worship. Mistress Page hath her heartycommendations to you too: and let me tell you inyour ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, andone, I tell you, that will not miss you morning norevening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be theother: and she bade me tell your worship that herhusband is seldom from home; but she hopes therewill come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upona man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.FALSTAFFNot I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of mygood parts aside I have no other charms.MISTRESS QUICKLYBlessing on your heart for't!FALSTAFFBut, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife andPage's wife acquainted each other how they love me?MISTRESS QUICKLYThat were a jest indeed! they have not so littlegrace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! butMistress Page would desire you to send her yourlittle page, of all loves: her husband has amarvellous infection to the little page; and trulyMaster Page is an honest man. Never a wife inWindsor leads a better life than she does: do whatshe will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goto bed when she list, rise when she list, all is asshe will: and truly she deserves it; for if therebe a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You mustsend her your page; no remedy.FALSTAFFWhy, I will.MISTRESS QUICKLYNay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come andgo between you both; and in any case have anay-word, that you may know one another's mind, andthe boy never need to understand any thing; for'tis not good that children should know anywickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,as they say, and know the world.FALSTAFFFare thee well: commend me to them both: there'smy purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along withthis woman.Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBINThis news distracts me!PISTOLThis punk is one of Cupid's carriers:Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!ExitFALSTAFFSayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll makemore of thy old body than I have done. Will theyyet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expenseof so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, Ithank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it befairly done, no matter.Enter BARDOLPHBARDOLPHSir John, there's one Master Brook below would fainspeak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hathsent your worship a morning's draught of sack.FALSTAFFBrook is his name?BARDOLPHAy, sir.FALSTAFFCall him in.Exit BARDOLPHSuch Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow suchliquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Pagehave I encompassed you? go to; via!Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguisedFORDBless you, sir!FALSTAFFAnd you, sir! Would you speak with me?FORDI make bold to press with so little preparation uponyou.FALSTAFFYou're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.Exit BARDOLPHFORDSir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.FALSTAFFGood Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.FORDGood Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;for I must let you understand I think myself inbetter plight for a lender than you are: the whichhath something embolden'd me to this unseasonedintrusion; for they say, if money go before, allways do lie open.FALSTAFFMoney is a good soldier, sir, and will on.FORDTroth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, orhalf, for easing me of the carriage.FALSTAFFSir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.FORDI will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.FALSTAFFSpeak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to beyour servant.FORDSir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be briefwith you,--and you have been a man long known to me,though I had never so good means, as desire, to makemyself acquainted with you. I shall discover athing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mineown imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you haveone eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,turn another into the register of your own; that Imay pass with a reproof the easier, sith youyourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.FALSTAFFVery well, sir; proceed.FORDThere is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband'sname is Ford.FALSTAFFWell, sir.FORDI have long loved her, and, I protest to you,bestowed much on her; followed her with a dotingobservance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardlygive me sight of her; not only bought many presentsto give her, but have given largely to many to knowwhat she would have given; briefly, I have pursuedher as love hath pursued me; which hath been on thewing of all occasions. But whatsoever I havemerited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,I am sure, I have received none; unless experiencebe a jewel that I have purchased at an infiniterate, and that hath taught me to say this:'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'FALSTAFFHave you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?FORDNever.FALSTAFFHave you importuned her to such a purpose?FORDNever.FALSTAFFOf what quality was your love, then?FORDLike a fair house built on another man's ground; sothat I have lost my edifice by mistaking the placewhere I erected it.FALSTAFFTo what purpose have you unfolded this to me?FORDWhen I have told you that, I have told you all.Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet inother places she enlargeth her mirth so far thatthere is shrewd construction made of her. Now, SirJohn, here is the heart of my purpose: you are agentleman of excellent breeding, admirablediscourse, of great admittance, authentic in yourplace and person, generally allowed for your manywar-like, court-like, and learned preparations.FALSTAFFO, sir!FORDBelieve it, for you know it. There is money; spendit, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; onlygive me so much of your time in exchange of it, asto lay an amiable siege to the honesty of thisFord's wife: use your art of wooing; win her toconsent to you: if any man may, you may as soon asany.FALSTAFFWould it apply well to the vehemency of youraffection, that I should win what you would enjoy?Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.FORDO, understand my drift. She dwells so securely onthe excellency of her honour, that the folly of mysoul dares not present itself: she is too bright tobe looked against. Now, could I could come to herwith any detection in my hand, my desires hadinstance and argument to commend themselves: Icould drive her then from the ward of her purity,her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousandother her defences, which now are too too stronglyembattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will first make bold with yourmoney; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am agentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.FORDO good sir!FALSTAFFI say you shall.FORDWant no money, Sir John; you shall want none.FALSTAFFWant no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall wantnone. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by herown appointment; even as you came in to me, herassistant or go-between parted from me: I say Ishall be with her between ten and eleven; for atthat time the jealous rascally knave her husbandwill be forth. Come you to me at night; you shallknow how I speed.FORDI am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,sir?FALSTAFFHang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say thejealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for thewhich his wife seems to me well-favored. I willuse her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;and there's my harvest-home.FORDI would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid himif you saw him.FALSTAFFHang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I willstare him out of his wits; I will awe him with mycudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er thecuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know Iwill predominate over the peasant, and thou shaltlie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave andcuckold. Come to me soon at night.ExitFORDWhat a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart isready to crack with impatience. Who says this isimprovident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; thehour is fixed; the match is made. Would any manhave thought this? See the hell of having a falsewoman! My bed shall be abused, my coffersransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall notonly receive this villanous wrong, but stand underthe adoption of abominable terms, and by him thatdoes me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon soundswell; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they aredevils' additions, the names of fiends: butCuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hathnot such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: hewill trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I willrather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hughthe Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with myaqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my amblinggelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,then she ruminates, then she devises; and what theythink in their hearts they may effect, they willbreak their hearts but they will effect. God bepraised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged onFalstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;better three hours too soon than a minute too late.Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!ExitSCENE III. A field near Windsor.Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBYDOCTOR CAIUSJack Rugby!RUGBYSir?DOCTOR CAIUSVat is de clock, Jack?RUGBY'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; hehas pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.RUGBYHe is wise, sir; he knew your worship would killhim, if he came.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.RUGBYAlas, sir, I cannot fence.DOCTOR CAIUSVillany, take your rapier.RUGBYForbear; here's company.Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGEHostBless thee, bully doctor!SHALLOWSave you, Master Doctor Caius!PAGENow, good master doctor!SLENDERGive you good morrow, sir.DOCTOR CAIUSVat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?HostTo see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see theetraverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; tosee thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thydistance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? ishe dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says myAEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! ishe dead, bully stale? is he dead?DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; heis not show his face.HostThou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!DOCTOR CAIUSI pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six orseven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.SHALLOWHe is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer ofsouls, and you a curer of bodies; if you shouldfight, you go against the hair of your professions.Is it not true, Master Page?PAGEMaster Shallow, you have yourself been a greatfighter, though now a man of peace.SHALLOWBodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and ofthe peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches tomake one. Though we are justices and doctors andchurchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of ouryouth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.PAGE'Tis true, Master Shallow.SHALLOWIt will be found so, Master Page. Master DoctorCaius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn ofthe peace: you have showed yourself a wisephysician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wiseand patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.HostPardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.DOCTOR CAIUSMock-vater! vat is dat?HostMock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as deEnglishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, mevill cut his ears.HostHe will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.DOCTOR CAIUSClapper-de-claw! vat is dat?HostThat is, he will make thee amends.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;for, by gar, me vill have it.HostAnd I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.DOCTOR CAIUSMe tank you for dat.HostAnd, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, andMaster Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go youthrough the town to Frogmore.Aside to themPAGESir Hugh is there, is he?HostHe is there: see what humour he is in; and I willbring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?SHALLOWWe will do it.PAGESHALLOWSLENDERAdieu, good master doctor.Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDERDOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for ajack-an-ape to Anne Page.HostLet him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw coldwater on thy choler: go about the fields with methrough Frogmore: I will bring thee where MistressAnne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thoushalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.HostFor the which I will be thy adversary toward AnnePage. Said I well?DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, 'tis good; vell said.HostLet us wag, then.DOCTOR CAIUSCome at my heels, Jack Rugby.ExeuntACT IIISCENE I. A field near Frogmore.Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLESIR HUGH EVANSI pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,and friend Simple by your name, which way have youlooked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?SIMPLEMarry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, everyway; old Windsor way, and every way but the townway.SIR HUGH EVANSI most fehemently desire you you will also look thatway.SIMPLEI will, sir.ExitSIR HUGH EVANS'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, andtrempling of mind! I shall be glad if he havedeceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knoghis urinals about his knave's costard when I havegood opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!SingsTo shallow rivers, to whose fallsMelodious birds sings madrigals;There will we make our peds of roses,And a thousand fragrant posies.To shallow--Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.SingsMelodious birds sing madrigals--When as I sat in Pabylon--And a thousand vagram posies.To shallow & c.Re-enter SIMPLESIMPLEYonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.SIR HUGH EVANSHe's welcome.SingsTo shallow rivers, to whose falls-Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?SIMPLENo weapons, sir. There comes my master, MasterShallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, overthe stile, this way.SIR HUGH EVANSPray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDERSHALLOWHow now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good studentfrom his book, and it is wonderful.SLENDER[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!PAGE'Save you, good Sir Hugh!SIR HUGH EVANS'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!SHALLOWWhat, the sword and the word! do you study themboth, master parson?PAGEAnd youthful still! in your doublet and hose thisraw rheumatic day!SIR HUGH EVANSThere is reasons and causes for it.PAGEWe are come to you to do a good office, master parson.SIR HUGH EVANSFery well: what is it?PAGEYonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belikehaving received wrong by some person, is at mostodds with his own gravity and patience that ever yousaw.SHALLOWI have lived fourscore years and upward; I neverheard a man of his place, gravity and learning, sowide of his own respect.SIR HUGH EVANSWhat is he?PAGEI think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, therenowned French physician.SIR HUGH EVANSGot's will, and his passion of my heart! I had aslief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.PAGEWhy?SIR HUGH EVANSHe has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,--and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as youwould desires to be acquainted withal.PAGEI warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.SHALLOW[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!SHALLOWIt appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:here comes Doctor Caius.Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBYPAGENay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.SHALLOWSo do you, good master doctor.HostDisarm them, and let them question: let them keeptheir limbs whole and hack our English.DOCTOR CAIUSI pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?SIR HUGH EVANS[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:in good time.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.SIR HUGH EVANS[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not belaughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire youin friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.AloudI will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscombfor missing your meetings and appointments.DOCTOR CAIUSDiable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have Inot stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de placeI did appoint?SIR HUGH EVANSAs I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is theplace appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host ofthe Garter.HostPeace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,soul-curer and body-curer!DOCTOR CAIUSAy, dat is very good; excellent.HostPeace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am Ipolitic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall Ilose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and themotions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my SirHugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and theno-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give methy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I havedeceived you both; I have directed you to wrongplaces: your hearts are mighty, your skins arewhole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, laytheir swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;follow, follow, follow.SHALLOWTrust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.SLENDER[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and HostDOCTOR CAIUSHa, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot ofus, ha, ha?SIR HUGH EVANSThis is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. Idesire you that we may be friends; and let us knogour prains together to be revenge on this samescall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring mewhere is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.SIR HUGH EVANSWell, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.ExeuntSCENE II. A street.Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBINMISTRESS PAGENay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont tobe a follower, but now you are a leader. Whetherhad you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?ROBINI had rather, forsooth, go before you like a manthan follow him like a dwarf.MISTRESS PAGEO, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.Enter FORDFORDWell met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?MISTRESS PAGETruly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?FORDAy; and as idle as she may hang together, for wantof company. I think, if your husbands were dead,you two would marry.MISTRESS PAGEBe sure of that,--two other husbands.FORDWhere had you this pretty weather-cock?MISTRESS PAGEI cannot tell what the dickens his name is myhusband had him of. What do you call your knight'sname, sirrah?ROBINSir John Falstaff.FORDSir John Falstaff!MISTRESS PAGEHe, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such aleague between my good man and he! Is your wife athome indeed?FORDIndeed she is.MISTRESS PAGEBy your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBINFORDHas Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he anythinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, aseasy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelvescore. He pieces out his wife's inclination; hegives her folly motion and advantage: and now she'sgoing to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. Aman may hear this shower sing in the wind. AndFalstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;and our revolted wives share damnation together.Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluckthe borrowed veil of modesty from the so seemingMistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure andwilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings allmy neighbours shall cry aim.Clock heardThe clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids mesearch: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall berather praised for this than mocked; for it is aspositive as the earth is firm that Falstaff isthere: I will go.Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBYSHALLOWPAGE& CWell met, Master Ford.FORDTrust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;and I pray you all go with me.SHALLOWI must excuse myself, Master Ford.SLENDERAnd so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine withMistress Anne, and I would not break with her formore money than I'll speak of.SHALLOWWe have lingered about a match between Anne Page andmy cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.SLENDERI hope I have your good will, father Page.PAGEYou have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.DOCTOR CAIUSAy, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-aQuickly tell me so mush.HostWhat say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, hedances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, hespeaks holiday, he smells April and May: he willcarry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; hewill carry't.PAGENot by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman isof no having: he kept company with the wild princeand Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows toomuch. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortuneswith the finger of my substance: if he take her,let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits onmy consent, and my consent goes not that way.FORDI beseech you heartily, some of you go home with meto dinner: besides your cheer, you shall havesport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.SHALLOWWell, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooingat Master Page's.Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDERDOCTOR CAIUSGo home, John Rugby; I come anon.Exit RUGBYHostFarewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knightFalstaff, and drink canary with him.ExitFORD[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine firstwith him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?AllHave with you to see this monster.ExeuntSCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGEMISTRESS FORDWhat, John! What, Robert!MISTRESS PAGEQuickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--MISTRESS FORDI warrant. What, Robin, I say!Enter Servants with a basketMISTRESS PAGECome, come, come.MISTRESS FORDHere, set it down.MISTRESS PAGEGive your men the charge; we must be brief.MISTRESS FORDMarry, as I told you before, John and Robert, beready here hard by in the brew-house: and when Isuddenly call you, come forth, and without any pauseor staggering take this basket on your shoulders:that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carryit among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and thereempty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.MISTRESS PAGEYou will do it?MISTRESS FORDI ha' told them over and over; they lack nodirection. Be gone, and come when you are called.Exeunt ServantsMISTRESS PAGEHere comes little Robin.Enter ROBINMISTRESS FORDHow now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?ROBINMy master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,Mistress Ford, and requests your company.MISTRESS PAGEYou little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?ROBINAy, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of yourbeing here and hath threatened to put me intoeverlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for heswears he'll turn me away.MISTRESS PAGEThou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall bea tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doubletand hose. I'll go hide me.MISTRESS FORDDo so. Go tell thy master I am alone.Exit ROBINMistress Page, remember you your cue.MISTRESS PAGEI warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.ExitMISTRESS FORDGo to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to knowturtles from jays.Enter FALSTAFFFALSTAFFHave I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now letme die, for I have lived long enough: this is theperiod of my ambition: O this blessed hour!MISTRESS FORDO sweet Sir John!FALSTAFFMistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I wouldthy husband were dead: I'll speak it before thebest lord; I would make thee my lady.MISTRESS FORDI your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!FALSTAFFLet the court of France show me such another. I seehow thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hastthe right arched beauty of the brow that becomes theship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire ofVenetian admittance.MISTRESS FORDA plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothingelse; nor that well neither.FALSTAFFBy the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thouwouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firmfixture of thy foot would give an excellent motionto thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I seewhat thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Naturethy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.MISTRESS FORDBelieve me, there is no such thing in me.FALSTAFFWhat made me love thee? let that persuade theethere's something extraordinary in thee. Come, Icannot cog and say thou art this and that, like amany of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come likewomen in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersburyin simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; nonebut thee; and thou deservest it.MISTRESS FORDDo not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.FALSTAFFThou mightst as well say I love to walk by theCounter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reekof a lime-kiln.MISTRESS FORDWell, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall oneday find it.FALSTAFFKeep in that mind; I'll deserve it.MISTRESS FORDNay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could notbe in that mind.ROBIN[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here'sMistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing andlooking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.FALSTAFFShe shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.MISTRESS FORDPray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.FALSTAFF hides himselfRe-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBINWhat's the matter? how now!MISTRESS PAGEO Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!MISTRESS FORDWhat's the matter, good Mistress Page?MISTRESS PAGEO well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest manto your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!MISTRESS FORDWhat cause of suspicion?MISTRESS PAGEWhat cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am Imistook in you!MISTRESS FORDWhy, alas, what's the matter?MISTRESS PAGEYour husband's coming hither, woman, with all theofficers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman thathe says is here now in the house by your consent, totake an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.MISTRESS FORD'Tis not so, I hope.MISTRESS PAGEPray heaven it be not so, that you have such a manhere! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such aone. I come before to tell you. If you knowyourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if youhave a friend here convey, convey him out. Be notamazed; call all your senses to you; defend yourreputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.MISTRESS FORDWhat shall I do? There is a gentleman my dearfriend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as hisperil: I had rather than a thousand pound he wereout of the house.MISTRESS PAGEFor shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'youhad rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethinkyou of some conveyance: in the house you cannothide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, hereis a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, hemay creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, asif it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.MISTRESS FORDHe's too big to go in there. What shall I do?FALSTAFF[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, letme see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend'scounsel. I'll in.MISTRESS PAGEWhat, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?FALSTAFFI love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.I'll never--Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linenMISTRESS PAGEHelp to cover your master, boy. Call your men,Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!MISTRESS FORDWhat, John! Robert! John!Exit ROBINRe-enter ServantsGo take up these clothes here quickly. Where's thecowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them tothe laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANSFORDPray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?ServantTo the laundress, forsooth.MISTRESS FORDWhy, what have you to do whither they bear it? Youwere best meddle with buck-washing.FORDBuck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;and of the season too, it shall appear.Exeunt Servants with the basketGentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you mydream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend mychambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrantwe'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.Locking the doorSo, now uncape.PAGEGood Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.FORDTrue, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall seesport anon: follow me, gentlemen.ExitSIR HUGH EVANSThis is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is notjealous in France.PAGENay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANSMISTRESS PAGEIs there not a double excellency in this?MISTRESS FORDI know not which pleases me better, that my husbandis deceived, or Sir John.MISTRESS PAGEWhat a taking was he in when your husband asked whowas in the basket!MISTRESS FORDI am half afraid he will have need of washing; sothrowing him into the water will do him a benefit.MISTRESS PAGEHang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the samestrain were in the same distress.MISTRESS FORDI think my husband hath some special suspicion ofFalstaff's being here; for I never saw him so grossin his jealousy till now.MISTRESS PAGEI will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet havemore tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease willscarce obey this medicine.MISTRESS FORDShall we send that foolish carrion, MistressQuickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into thewater; and give him another hope, to betray him toanother punishment?MISTRESS PAGEWe will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,eight o'clock, to have amends.Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANSFORDI cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of thathe could not compass.MISTRESS PAGE[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?MISTRESS FORDYou use me well, Master Ford, do you?FORDAy, I do so.MISTRESS FORDHeaven make you better than your thoughts!FORDAmen!MISTRESS PAGEYou do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.FORDAy, ay; I must bear it.SIR HUGH EVANSIf there be any pody in the house, and in thechambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.PAGEFie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? Whatspirit, what devil suggests this imagination? Iwould not ha' your distemper in this kind for thewealth of Windsor Castle.FORD'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.SIR HUGH EVANSYou suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is ashonest a 'omans as I will desires among fivethousand, and five hundred too.DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.FORDWell, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk inthe Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereaftermake known to you why I have done this. Come,wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;pray heartily, pardon me.PAGELet's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mockhim. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my houseto breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; Ihave a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?FORDAny thing.SIR HUGH EVANSIf there is one, I shall make two in the company.DOCTOR CAIUSIf dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.FORDPray you, go, Master Page.SIR HUGH EVANSI pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousyknave, mine host.DOCTOR CAIUSDat is good; by gar, with all my heart!SIR HUGH EVANSA lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!ExeuntSCENE IV. A room in PAGE'S house.Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGEFENTONI see I cannot get thy father's love;Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.ANNE PAGEAlas, how then?FENTONWhy, thou must be thyself.He doth object I am too great of birth--,And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,I seek to heal it only by his wealth:Besides these, other bars he lays before me,My riots past, my wild societies;And tells me 'tis a thing impossibleI should love thee but as a property.ANNE PAGEMay be he tells you true.FENTONNo, heaven so speed me in my time to come!Albeit I will confess thy father's wealthWas the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more valueThan stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;And 'tis the very riches of thyselfThat now I aim at.ANNE PAGEGentle Master Fenton,Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:If opportunity and humblest suitCannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!They converse apartEnter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLYSHALLOWBreak their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shallspeak for himself.SLENDERI'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis butventuring.SHALLOWBe not dismayed.SLENDERNo, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,but that I am afeard.MISTRESS QUICKLYHark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.ANNE PAGEI come to him.AsideThis is my father's choice.O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faultsLooks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!MISTRESS QUICKLYAnd how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.SHALLOWShe's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!SLENDERI had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell yougood jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell MistressAnne the jest, how my father stole two geese out ofa pen, good uncle.SHALLOWMistress Anne, my cousin loves you.SLENDERAy, that I do; as well as I love any woman inGloucestershire.SHALLOWHe will maintain you like a gentlewoman.SLENDERAy, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under thedegree of a squire.SHALLOWHe will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.ANNE PAGEGood Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.SHALLOWMarry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that goodcomfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.ANNE PAGENow, Master Slender,--SLENDERNow, good Mistress Anne,--ANNE PAGEWhat is your will?SLENDERMy will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jestindeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; Iam not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.ANNE PAGEI mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?SLENDERTruly, for mine own part, I would little or nothingwith you. Your father and my uncle hath mademotions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man behis dole! They can tell you how things go betterthan I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGEPAGENow, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.FENTONNay, Master Page, be not impatient.MISTRESS PAGEGood Master Fenton, come not to my child.PAGEShe is no match for you.FENTONSir, will you hear me?PAGENo, good Master Fenton.Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDERMISTRESS QUICKLYSpeak to Mistress Page.FENTONGood Mistress Page, for that I love your daughterIn such a righteous fashion as I do,Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,I must advance the colours of my loveAnd not retire: let me have your good will.ANNE PAGEGood mother, do not marry me to yond fool.MISTRESS PAGEI mean it not; I seek you a better husband.MISTRESS QUICKLYThat's my master, master doctor.ANNE PAGEAlas, I had rather be set quick i' the earthAnd bowl'd to death with turnips!MISTRESS PAGECome, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,I will not be your friend nor enemy:My daughter will I question how she loves you,And as I find her, so am I affected.Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;Her father will be angry.FENTONFarewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGEMISTRESS QUICKLYThis is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you castaway your child on a fool, and a physician? Look onMaster Fenton:' this is my doing.FENTONI thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-nightGive my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.MISTRESS QUICKLYNow heaven send thee good fortune!Exit FENTONA kind heart he hath: a woman would run throughfire and water for such a kind heart. But yet Iwould my master had Mistress Anne; or I wouldMaster Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would MasterFenton had her; I will do what I can for them allthree; for so I have promised, and I'll be as goodas my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff frommy two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!ExitSCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPHFALSTAFFBardolph, I say,--BARDOLPHHere, sir.FALSTAFFGo fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.Exit BARDOLPHHave I lived to be carried in a basket, like abarrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in theThames? Well, if I be served such another trick,I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and givethem to a dog for a new-year's gift. The roguesslighted me into the river with as little remorse asthey would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my sizethat I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if thebottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I hadbeen drowned, but that the shore was shelvy andshallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swellsa man; and what a thing should I have been when Ihad been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.Re-enter BARDOLPH with sackBARDOLPHHere's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.FALSTAFFLet me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for mybelly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs forpills to cool the reins. Call her in.BARDOLPHCome in, woman!Enter MISTRESS QUICKLYMISTRESS QUICKLYBy your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worshipgood morrow.FALSTAFFTake away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle ofsack finely.BARDOLPHWith eggs, sir?FALSTAFFSimple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.Exit BARDOLPHHow now!MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.FALSTAFFMistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was throwninto the ford; I have my belly full of ford.MISTRESS QUICKLYAlas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.FALSTAFFSo did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.MISTRESS QUICKLYWell, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearnyour heart to see it. Her husband goes this morninga-birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetween eight and nine: I must carry her wordquickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.FALSTAFFWell, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid herthink what a man is: let her consider his frailty,and then judge of my merit.MISTRESS QUICKLYI will tell her.FALSTAFFDo so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?MISTRESS QUICKLYEight and nine, sir.FALSTAFFWell, be gone: I will not miss her.MISTRESS QUICKLYPeace be with you, sir.ExitFALSTAFFI marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me wordto stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.Enter FORDFORDBless you, sir!FALSTAFFNow, master Brook, you come to know what hath passedbetween me and Ford's wife?FORDThat, indeed, Sir John, is my business.FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at herhouse the hour she appointed me.FORDAnd sped you, sir?FALSTAFFVery ill-favoredly, Master Brook.FORDHow so, sir? Did she change her determination?FALSTAFFNo, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto herhusband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of ourencounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thitherprovoked and instigated by his distemper, and,forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.FORDWhat, while you were there?FALSTAFFWhile I was there.FORDAnd did he search for you, and could not find you?FALSTAFFYou shall hear. As good luck would have it, comesin one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford'sapproach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife'sdistraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.FORDA buck-basket!FALSTAFFBy the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foulshirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasynapkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankestcompound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.FORDAnd how long lay you there?FALSTAFFNay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I havesuffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford'sknaves, his hinds, were called forth by theirmistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes toDatchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; metthe jealous knave their master in the door, whoasked them once or twice what they had in theirbasket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knavewould have searched it; but fate, ordaining heshould be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went hefor a search, and away went I for foul clothes. Butmark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangsof three several deaths; first, an intolerablefright, to be detected with a jealous rottenbell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a goodbilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt topoint, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,like a strong distillation, with stinking clothesthat fretted in their own grease: think of that,--aman of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subjectto heat as butter; a man of continual dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.And in the height of this bath, when I was more thanhalf stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to bethrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think ofthat,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.FORDIn good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake youhave sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;you'll undertake her no more?FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I havebeen into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Herhusband is this morning gone a-birding: I havereceived from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixteight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.FORD'Tis past eight already, sir.FALSTAFFIs it? I will then address me to my appointment.Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shallknow how I speed; and the conclusion shall becrowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shallhave her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shallcuckold Ford.ExitFORDHum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do Isleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linenand buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myselfwhat I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at myhouse; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible heshould; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil thatguides him should aid him, I will searchimpossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb gowith me: I'll be horn-mad.ExitACT IVSCENE I. A street.Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGEMISTRESS PAGEIs he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?MISTRESS QUICKLYSure he is by this, or will be presently: but,truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwinginto the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.MISTRESS PAGEI'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my youngman here to school. Look, where his master comes;'tis a playing-day, I see.Enter SIR HUGH EVANSHow now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?SIR HUGH EVANSNo; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.MISTRESS QUICKLYBlessing of his heart!MISTRESS PAGESir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing inthe world at his book. I pray you, ask him somequestions in his accidence.SIR HUGH EVANSCome hither, William; hold up your head; come.MISTRESS PAGECome on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer yourmaster, be not afraid.SIR HUGH EVANSWilliam, how many numbers is in nouns?WILLIAM PAGETwo.MISTRESS QUICKLYTruly, I thought there had been one number more,because they say, ''Od's nouns.'SIR HUGH EVANSPeace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?WILLIAM PAGEPulcher.MISTRESS QUICKLYPolecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.SIR HUGH EVANSYou are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.What is 'lapis,' William?WILLIAM PAGEA stone.SIR HUGH EVANSAnd what is 'a stone,' William?WILLIAM PAGEA pebble.SIR HUGH EVANSNo, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.WILLIAM PAGELapis.SIR HUGH EVANSThat is a good William. What is he, William, thatdoes lend articles?WILLIAM PAGEArticles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thusdeclined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.SIR HUGH EVANSNominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?WILLIAM PAGEAccusativo, hinc.SIR HUGH EVANSI pray you, have your remembrance, child,accusative, hung, hang, hog.MISTRESS QUICKLY'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.SIR HUGH EVANSLeave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focativecase, William?WILLIAM PAGEO,--vocativo, O.SIR HUGH EVANSRemember, William; focative is caret.MISTRESS QUICKLYAnd that's a good root.SIR HUGH EVANS'Oman, forbear.MISTRESS PAGEPeace!SIR HUGH EVANSWhat is your genitive case plural, William?WILLIAM PAGEGenitive case!SIR HUGH EVANSAy.WILLIAM PAGEGenitive,--horum, harum, horum.MISTRESS QUICKLYVengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never nameher, child, if she be a whore.SIR HUGH EVANSFor shame, 'oman.MISTRESS QUICKLYYou do ill to teach the child such words: heteaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll dofast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!SIR HUGH EVANS'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou nounderstandings for thy cases and the numbers of thegenders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures asI would desires.MISTRESS PAGEPrithee, hold thy peace.SIR HUGH EVANSShow me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.WILLIAM PAGEForsooth, I have forgot.SIR HUGH EVANSIt is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,'your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must bepreeches. Go your ways, and play; go.MISTRESS PAGEHe is a better scholar than I thought he was.SIR HUGH EVANSHe is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.MISTRESS PAGEAdieu, good Sir Hugh.Exit SIR HUGH EVANSGet you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.ExeuntSCENE II. A room in FORD'S house.Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORDFALSTAFFMistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up mysufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; notonly, Mistress Ford, in the simpleoffice of love, but in all the accoutrement,complement and ceremony of it. But are yousure of your husband now?MISTRESS FORDHe's a-birding, sweet Sir John.MISTRESS PAGE[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!MISTRESS FORDStep into the chamber, Sir John.Exit FALSTAFFEnter MISTRESS PAGEMISTRESS PAGEHow now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?MISTRESS FORDWhy, none but mine own people.MISTRESS PAGEIndeed!MISTRESS FORDNo, certainly.Aside to herSpeak louder.MISTRESS PAGETruly, I am so glad you have nobody here.MISTRESS FORDWhy?MISTRESS PAGEWhy, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:he so takes on yonder with my husband; so railsagainst all married mankind; so curses all Eve'sdaughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffetshimself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peerout!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed buttameness, civility and patience, to this hisdistemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.MISTRESS FORDWhy, does he talk of him?MISTRESS PAGEOf none but him; and swears he was carried out, thelast time he searched for him, in a basket; proteststo my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him andthe rest of their company from their sport, to makeanother experiment of his suspicion: but I am gladthe knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.MISTRESS FORDHow near is he, Mistress Page?MISTRESS PAGEHard by; at street end; he will be here anon.MISTRESS FORDI am undone! The knight is here.MISTRESS PAGEWhy then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a deadman. What a woman are you!--Away with him, awaywith him! better shame than murder.FORDWhich way should be go? how should I bestow him?Shall I put him into the basket again?Re-enter FALSTAFFFALSTAFFNo, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not goout ere he come?MISTRESS PAGEAlas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the doorwith pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwiseyou might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?FALSTAFFWhat shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.MISTRESS FORDThere they always use to discharge theirbirding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.FALSTAFFWhere is it?MISTRESS FORDHe will seek there, on my word. Neither press,coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath anabstract for the remembrance of such places, andgoes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.FALSTAFFI'll go out then.MISTRESS PAGEIf you go out in your own semblance, you die, SirJohn. Unless you go out disguised--MISTRESS FORDHow might we disguise him?MISTRESS PAGEAlas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gownbig enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.FALSTAFFGood hearts, devise something: any extremity ratherthan a mischief.MISTRESS FORDMy maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has agown above.MISTRESS PAGEOn my word, it will serve him; she's as big as heis: and there's her thrummed hat and her mufflertoo. Run up, Sir John.MISTRESS FORDGo, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I willlook some linen for your head.MISTRESS PAGEQuick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: puton the gown the while.Exit FALSTAFFMISTRESS FORDI would my husband would meet him in this shape: hecannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swearsshe's a witch; forbade her my house and haththreatened to beat her.MISTRESS PAGEHeaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and thedevil guide his cudgel afterwards!MISTRESS FORDBut is my husband coming?MISTRESS PAGEAh, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the baskettoo, howsoever he hath had intelligence.MISTRESS FORDWe'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry thebasket again, to meet him at the door with it, asthey did last time.MISTRESS PAGENay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress himlike the witch of Brentford.MISTRESS FORDI'll first direct my men what they shall do with thebasket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straig