Aaron Paul & Lauren

Parsekian

These two are really

cute, and they’re

married, and they

really like each other.

He calls her his “Little

Bird.” Which, you

know, awwwww.

Her dress is lovely; fits

perfectly and suits

her.

Allison Williams

This is a miss for me.

And her eye makeup

frightens me.

Amber Heard

Somebody drove to the

awards ceremony with

the top down on her

Mustang!

The dress might have

been a classic if not for

the ludicrous split and

the weird hair.

(Her Mustang is not

actually a convertible.

Just pretend it is).

Amy Adams

Maybe too much like

an actual costume

from American

Hustle? I like the

unusual combination

of colours, and she

does look really cute,

but I’m not in love

with the top half. (Top

quarter? Top eighth?)

Amy Poehler

Asymmetry gone awry.

She looks great

generally, I just feel like

she put this on wrong.

Like those convertible

jersey dresses

everyone’s making now

(“wear it 12 ways!”). I

just know I’d struggle

with it in vain for half an

hour and then end up

wearing it as a turban.

Anna Gunn

Gorgeous, fits

perfectly, I can’t find

a fault with it; I don’t

know why it doesn’t

wow me. Am I wrong?

Ariel Winter

Ariel Winter is 15, and

her sister has custody

of her because her

mother is a bad person.

So I’m worried that she

has no one to (a) iron

her clothes and (b)

teach her to wrangle

her generous bust.

Someone other than

Sofia Vergara.

Aubrey Plaza

I may say this every

awards season, but I

don’t get Aubrey Plaza.

Her sarcastic shtick is

unfunny. I’ve tried

watching Parks and

Recreation, and I just

don’t find it amusing. I

feel the same way

about this glorified

prom dress.

Berenice Bejo

No, nope, absolutely

not. Did it used to be

a BLAZER??

Caitlin Fitzgerald

I don’t know who this

person is, but I actually

kind of love this. I think

I shouldn’t, but I do. It

looks like something

January Jones would

wear - on the set of

Mad Men. Bonus points

for the random hit of

coral and the stripey

shoes.

Cate Blanchett

Not one of my favourite

looks from our friend

Cate. I love that she

always brings the

quality on the red

carpet, but sometimes

she errs on the side of

joylessness. This might

be less avant garde

(and more palatable)

with a low neckline.

Catt Sadler

I don’t know who Catt

Sadler is, or what

purpose the second

‘t’ in her name

serves, but I’m

getting really tired of

people not wearing

underpants. This

would be pretty if

lined. Lined!!

Drew Barrymore

I like seeing pregnant

women on the red

carpet, because they

tend to look more

normal and human by

virtue of the fact that

their cheekbones aren’t

jutting out.

Drew looks glorious,

and her dress is happy

and pretty and fun.

Edie Falco

Edie came in a

drawstring bag!

Elisabeth Moss

I have no quarrel with

this.

Emilia Clarke

This puzzles me. The

pattern, from here,

looks like TV static,

with blurry patches. I

want to adjust my

monitor. The shape of

the dress is fine, but

my emotional reaction

to the look overall is

one of confusion.

Emma & Gaia Thompson

Emma has been

EVERYWHERE lately,

and I just love her,

because she’s so

smart and funny and

un-Hollywood. So I’m

going to overlook this

mother-of-the-bride

misstep. She doesn’t

look terrible.

Emma Roberts

If someone has to do the

Morticia Addams thing, it

might as well be Emma

Roberts. I do love the

neckline and the

turquoise earrings.

Fishtail hems always

make my think of

octopuses, but she looks

modern and elegant. At

least Kelly Osbourne isn’t

wearing it.

Emma Watson

I’ll illustrate my initial

reaction to this

sequentially, with

emoticons:

1. Oh! This is…

2. …wait, is that…

can it be navy

tights??

3. No, I think it’s

pants!

Emma Watson

Giuliana Rancic

Yeah, whatever.

NEXT!

Hayden Panatierre

Hayden had to pay for

this Tom Ford, because

he only dresses one

person per awards

show. At least that’s his

excuse. It’s hard to

judge her frock

objectively because of

the frightful hair. But I

don’t think it’s worth the

$10,000 she paid for it.

Heidi Klum

At first I thought the

dress wasn’t too bad,

despite the choppy

mullet and the

grungy choker. But

then…

NO UNDERPANTS

AGAIN.

How did the side of a

person’s backside

come to be

considered worthy of

display?

Helen Mirren

While I don’t love the

bunchy (tulle?)

neckline, and the

shade of green may

be a little too gaudy,

she looks absolutely

amazing in it, so I

wouldn’t insist that

she change anything.

Her hair is cute, too.

Jacqueline Bisset

Something about this

whole look, spiky

fringe included,

makes me think of

David Bowie in

Labyrinth.

Also, she was totally

drunk when she gave

her acceptance

speech.

Jemima Kirke and…Friend

Speaking of drunk

people, Jemima Kirke

always looks

inebriated. These

people are both

suitably dressed for

some kind of night-

time hipster

barbecue.

Jenna Dewan

Jenna Dewan is

Channing Tatum’s wife

(ie. a nobody), but she

looks like an a-lister in

this interesting dress.

There were a few

graphic black and white

frocks on the red

carpet, and they look

amazing. Except Heidi

Klum’s.

Jennifer Lawrence

Love Jennifer Lawrence,

hate the dress. Dior is

intent on dressing her – for

every awards ceremony –

in the most ordinary

dresses they can throw

together. They also

habitually put her in

voluminous ballgowns that

cut in below the backside,

for some reason.

See? WHYEEE?

It looks like something

that was hastily

cobbled together at

the last minute with a

bedsheet and a

couple of yards of

black ribbon.

Love the haircut. BUT

THAT IS ALL.

Jessica Chastain

She was absolutely

everywhere for a

while, but I guess

she’s been on

holiday. This look is

unremarkable. I feel

like we’ve seen her in

it before. And maybe

black isn’t her best

colour. But it’s fine.

Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg

I don’t really get Joanna

Newsom. I find her voice weird

and affected. But everyone else

thinks she’s amazing. It’s like

an Emperor’s New Clothes

thing. Which is probably the

title of her next album.

She actually looks lovely here,

although I probably would have

gone with either the flounce or

the frilly sleeves, not both. She

looks like a Spanish doll.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Meh.

Julia Roberts

This has to be among

the worst of the

evening. It looks like

she purchased a

generic black

strapless dress and

wore it over a basic

white dress shirt. The

sparkly belt doesn’t

make it better.

Julianna Margulies

I wasn’t totally sure

about this at first (I

thought it might be too

stiff and puffy), but on

the red carpet it had

more movement and

she looked really

striking. Her hair was

cute, too. And there, as

always, is her

swoonworthy husband

in the background.

Julie Bowen

Julie Bowen always

looks utterly mad. If I

picture this dress on

someone else though, I

think it has merit. The

velvet bodice and

ruched sleeves are

really pretty, and the

combination of three

jewel tones is

surprising.

The original is

prettier: the fabric

used for the skirt

looks more drapey. It

might have looked

better on a pale

brunette, like Emilia

Clarke or Michelle

Dockery.

Julie Delpy.

Time for a stylist. Her

hair looks a bit sad,

too.

Kaley Cuoco

Kaley simply doesn’t

have an innate sense

of elegance. Her hair

and makeup are too

“rock chick” and her

dress is too “mildewy

shower curtain.”

Kate Beckinsale

Kate so often opts for

the strapless fishtail

gown and the high

ponytail. It’s a

signature style that

lacks originality and

maybe isn’t terribly

flattering. I’d love to

see her with her hair

out, or maybe in a

side-swept wavy bob.

Kate Mara

The deep U-neck isn’t

pretty, and the

blonde hair is terrible.

It and the pale

beigey-silver fabric

sap all the colour out

of her face.

Kelly Osbourne

This is the exact

expression on my

face right now.

Kerry Washington

Not one of Kerry’s

more exciting looks.

The dishwater grey

shade and over-vest-

thing fastened with a

brooch is awkward.

She looks like a

cartoon beetle.

Kristen Connelly

Fine, but how many

times to people need

to be told? Legs or

bust, not both!

Kristin Chenowith

I like the concept and

colour, but this one

doesn’t have enough

bust/legs! It almost

looks like a turtleneck,

which makes me think

of Star Trek. A wider

or lower neck might

have made all the

difference.

Kyra Sedgwick

I’m not a fan of the

“sporty formal dress”

look; anything that

resembles the kind of

tailoring you’d find on a

swimsuit or something

you’d wear the gym.

But this may be partly

due to the fact that I

don’t frequent gyms,

and resent those who

do.

Laura Carmichael

Hmm. It fits right, but

the details are off.

Laura Dern

Laura looks very weird

here. I’m not sure if

it’s the thinness or the

big brassy hair or the

beige, or the pattern

that at a glance

resembles leopard-

print, or all of the

above. But I’m

underwhelmed.

Lena Dunham

I’m really sick of

talking/hearing about

the way Lena Dunham

looks. Not on moral

grounds, just because

I’m thoroughly bored by

it all. I actually think she

looks pretty great here.

The colour is gorgeous,

and her hair and

makeup are flattering.

Leslie Mann

The frilly peplum does

nothing for me, and

Leslie usually has more

fun with colour, but I

can’t help always

finding her adorable.

Maybe a chunky

turquoise necklace or

something would have

made this look more

fresh and modern?

Lily Rabe

I don’t know who Lily Rabe

is. Could I have Googled it

in the time it has taken me

to type these words?

Possibly.

This is quite lovely, but I’m

just not thrilled about the

black-mesh-over-nude-

lining look that all the kids

are doing these days. It

always looks dingy from a

distance.

Lizzy Caplan

Lizzy obviously hit

her head and woke

up in the 80’s.

Louise Roe

Louise Roe is some

kind of presenter.

Which is probably

ideal, as this dress

screams “D-List.” The

cut-outs and hideous

orange sherbet shade

remind me of cheap

clubwear, a dress code

which really shouldn’t

even exist.

Lupita Nyong’o

I’m not usually into the

cape thing (*ahem*

Gwyneth Paltrow

*cough*) because

people shouldn’t dress

as superheroes unless

they are. However,

Lupita obviously is

some kind of superhero,

and looks stunning in

this vermilion frock.

See? She is obviously

about to fly away and

fight crime. She is no

mere mortal. Easily

one of the best looks

of the night.

Margot Robbie

Margot is an

Australian soap

actress or something,

and just starred in

The Wolf of Wall

Street, a movie I’m

never likely to see.

She looks lovely, if a

bit generic-

Hollywood-actress.

Matthew McConaughey and

Camila Alves

Not one of her best

looks (we’ve seen

this dress so many

times before on so

many people), but

she’s beautiful, so it

doesn’t matter.

Mayim Bialik

Too sedate, but fine.

Megan Mullally

I could have fixed this

in minutes by cutting

off the sleeves,

removing the glasses

and sweeping her

fringe to the side. But

she didn’t ask me,

and now it’s too late.

Melissa McCarthy

The frock fits

beautifully, but the

frayed grey fabric

looks decidedly odd.

Her hair is too severe,

too. Everyone needs

to lighten up. It’s the

Globes, not a funeral.

Melissa Rauch

Everybody needs to

stop lightening up.

It’s the globes, not

Disneyland.

Michael J Fox and Tracy Pollan

Quite lovely, but a

size too small*, so it

doesn’t sit straight

*The dress, not the guy.

Michelle Dockery

I love this. She just

looks exquisite. The

porcelain skin, bobbed

hair, red lipstick and

sparkly dress are

perfect. She looks

elegant and polished.

I’m not usually into

non-colours, but this

fabric is pretty and

luminous.

Mila Kunis

I love this too.

Somehow the silvery

frocks are the

prettiest this year,

and this platinum

shade works

beautifully with Mila’s

olive skin and dark

hair.

Another angle. It

drapes nicely, too.

Minnie Driver

…aaaaand we’re back

to reality.

Naomi Watts

This is the single look

Tom Ford did for free

for the Globes. I’m

not sure it was worth

it. I mean it’s fine, but

I feel like she’s done

this look before, and

better.

Olivia Wilde

Her hair is really

pretty, but again, the

bottle green spangley

dress has become a

red-carpet staple.

Angelina Jolie

probably started it.

But still, it’s fine, and

she looks happy.

Paula Patton

Paula is obviously

being consumed by

some kind of fungi,

which is probably just

as well, because the

dress that is being

consumed is ugly. The

fabric looks cheap, and

highlights lumps and

bumps that aren’t

even there.

Rachel Smith

Rachel Smith is a

nobody who dressed

like a somebody (FYI I’d

like that to be written

on my gravestone). This

is so pretty, it was

worth trawling the

internet to find out who

she was. (It took me

ages, as the one place

that carried her picture

misidentified her).

Rashida Jones

This dress and

hairstyle would be

adequate for a posh

Hollywood lunch or

something.

Reese Witherspoon

Another “sporty

formal” dress. The

colour is lovely, but

on someone with

Reese’s girl-next-door

colouring, it’s a bit

cheap-looking. Am I

being unreasonable?

Robin Wright

Eeeewww.

Sandra Bullock

Someone obviously

stitched a bunch of

Disney princess

costumes together to

make this. It

truncates her legs,

and the colours and

fabrics are ugleeeey.

Sarah Hyland

Bridesmaaaiiid.

Sarah Paulson

See? Another silvery

frock that takes the

cake. She looks like a

ballerina, in the best

way.

Sally Hawkins

Up close, this may look very

pretty. Otherwise I’m not

sure how it happened.

Sofia Vergara

Behold, the monster

of the deep!

Tatiana Maslany

I have no idea who this

person is, but after

Sofia Vergara she is

like a tall cool drink of

water. This simple

silver sheath is so

timeless, and the hair

and makeup is too. Not

dramatic, but

effortlessly chic, which

is often better.

Taylor Schilling

Gorgeous. The green

may be a little too

grass-green, but it’s

still beautiful. I’d wear

it around the house

while sipping

champagne. Or some

kind of low-cal

alchohol-free

champagne substitute.

Diet Coke, for example.

Taylor Swift

*Sigh*

Her again.

Taylor Swift

I can’t really argue

with this. The

watermelon shade is

striking. She looks like

a really glamorous

Valentine’s Day teddy

bear. But I’m just SO

OVER Taylor Swift, I

can’t be objective.

The Damons

Luciana often opts for

things that remind

me of Christmas

ribbon. She seems

like a quality woman,

I just can’t get on

board with her

lacklustre sartorial

choices.

Tina Fey

Nooooo, Tina! You were

making so much

progress! What

HAPPENED?

I actually love the fabric

(anything that looks like

wallpaper) but the vast

Elizabethan flaps on

either side make her

look huge on the lower

half. And her hair is blah.

Tina Fey

Yeah, it’s reversible.

I’m afraid that

doesn’t help, Tina.

Just ditch the flaps.

Ditch the flaps!

It would look really

pretty without.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Much better. This isn’t the

best picture, but they

both looked stunning on

stage, for all of the twelve

minutes that I could bring

myself to watch. Tina’s

hair was all wavy and

shiny, and Amy’s dress is

a deep teal shade which

complemented Tina’s

garnet frock beautifully.

Uma Thurman

No, Uma.

Zoe Saldana

This looked prettier on the red

carpet than it does in pictures,

but it’s still an odd jumble of

features, whichever way you

look at it. I wish they had stuck

with the black bejewelled

fabric to below the knee, and

then let the lace poke out at

the hem or something. It was

also very tight, and I blame

the dressmakers, not the very

skinny girl.

Zooey Deschanel

Oh Zooey. Somehow you

look both elderly and

childish at the same time.

You can’t just collect beige

things you like and then

wear them all at once. We

may need to stage an

intervention and

confiscate – at the very

least – your hair flowers.

Zosia Mamet

Zosia Mamet is wearing a

beautiful dress. Zosia

Mamet. Is wearing. A

beautiful dress.

This calls to mind Art

Nouveau era ink drawings.

It’s just so…tasteful. It

must have happened by

accident.