Primary

COLOURS

Amy POEHLER

Gorgeous dress in a

striking colour (and

POCKETS! Yay), but I

always feel like this

electric blue looks

better on pale

brunettes. Unfair?

Naomi WATTS

Flawless, really. But I

couldn’t bring myself to

put it in the “Best”

category. Maybe I don’t

like the blingy belt

buckle, or maybe I think

it needs cap sleeves.

Catherine Zeta JONES

Yeah, fine, whatever.

The top makes me

think of red leather

gloves, with no hands

in them. I suppose it

would be awkward if

there were hands in

them.

Cindy CRAWFORD

I mean, she’s not

really sticking her

leg out far enough.

Nancy CARELL

This would be

perfect if not for the

weird bunchy thing

at the waist.

Nancy CARELL

See? It’s like they

started draping the

dress and didn’t know

what to do with the

front, so they just tied

it up and trimmed off

the excess.

Natasha LYONNE

Natasha has a history of

substance abuse and

mysterious evictions, so

credit where it’s due:

there is nothing

remotely chaotic about

this very elegant frock.

Katherine HEIGL

Is it on backwards?

Also, she said on the red

carpet that she chose Zac

Posen because he knows

how to dress “curvy

people.” Why do you make

me hate you, Katherine

Heigl.

Blues, silvers, silvery

blues and bluish

silvers. There was a lot of this going around. With

varying degrees of success.

Amy ADAMS

Amy should probably

go in the “Best”

category, but I

haven’t put her

there, because I was

ever-so-slightly

underwhelmed.

Reese WITHERSPOON

Again, this is

perfectly fine, but

just didn’t wow me.

This is the author of the book Reese’s latest film was

based on. The caption for the pic was “Cheryl Strayed

and Reese Witherspoon.” It almost sounds like a

sentence. I might be thinking of “Hey Diddle Diddle.”

Diane KRUGER

Even Diane Kruger

looks bored with

Diane Kruger. She

was making this face

in all the pictures.

Julianne MOORE

Julianne landed on a

few best-dressed

lists, but there’s way

to much going on

here for me. Ombré,

metallic AND emu

feathers?

Ellie KEMPER

Her smile is writing a

cheque that dress

can’t cash.

Amanda PEET.

Oh boy. Okay, look. I

actually love the dress,

but maybe not for this

occasion, and definitely

not with the homely

fringe and tragic

expression Amanda Peet

brings to every party.

This is a similar flowy

caftanesque frock worn by

Jaime King to some pre-

Globes event, just to

demonstrate where and

how something like this

could be pulled off with

aplomb. Amanda Peet

always lacks aplomb.

That BRASSY orangey

WATERMELON faded

RED tomato colour I

REALLY HATE.

Heidi KLUM

She has never looked so

brassy, in that her skin

literally is the colour of

brass. I know my hatred

of this colour is

irrational, but it always

looks so ‘Miss America

circa 1985’ to me…

Allison WILLIAMS

…not to mention the

associations with organza

Christmas ribbon.

Although, I have to say this

dress looked much better on

TV, and the colour was a

deeper, cherrier red.

Jane FONDA

I’m just not on board

with the whole Jane

Fonda phenomenon. I

feel like I’m supoposed

to love her because she

“looks great for her

age.” She always looks

very dated to me.

Allison JANNEY

Emma Stone did this

better. And before her,

Nicole Kidman.

Just in case you need

reminding.

Kate MARA

BELT?!?

Taylor SCHILLING

I don’t adore this – it’s a

bit too poufy - but I

certainly don’t hate it. It

fits perfectly, and the

saturated rusty red in

matte crepe is so much

classier than, for example,

Heidi Klum’s trashy dress.

Julianna MARGULIES

After my initial response

(EWW!) I decided the dress

is objectively lovely, but

the bouffanty updo,

diamond necklace and

matchy purse and shoes

spoil it. It’s all very Marge

Simpson.

Helen MIRREN

OKAY, Helen Mirren, you

are the exception to my

orangey-red rule. This is

just so sexy. And that’s a

pen for Charlie Hedbo

pinned to her sleeve.

Viola DAVIS

OKAY Viola Davis, you

can get away with it

too. Actually this is

more a pinky-strawberry

red, so it doesn’t really

belong in this category.

Interesting

COLOURS. The diverse palette you see on the runways is

rarely reflected on the red carpet, so I’m

always delighted to see people taking some

risks and wearing unusual colours.

Hannah BAGSHAWE

Mrs Redmayne’s hair is a bit drab,

and maybe she needs a necklace,

but I actually love the dress, and

the olive green. It’s surprising,

understated, and it complements

Eddie’s ginger hair. She’s not

trying to outshine her famous

husband, and it works in her

favour.

Felicity JONES

The internet is making

me feel bad for not

loving this more. I adore

the teal, and it’s

perfect for her

colouring, but the weird

neckline is weird.

Katie HOLMES

I have a blind spot for Katie Holmes,

so I don’t trust my objectivity. I don’t

know if it’s because of some lingering

affection for Dawson’s Creek, or

respect for divorcing L. Ron Hubbard

while retaining custody of the kid. But

either way (and creases aside) this

plum frock impresses me.

Jessica LANGE

More unfortunate

creases, but a lovely

dress in a pretty

raspberry shade. I have

a soft spot for sleeves

that look like origami.

Her hair is effortlessly

cute, too.

Jessica CHASTAINE

Jessica didn’t quite make it onto

my best-dressed list. I don’t

know if it’s the shiny fabric or

just a case of plunging-neckline-

fatigue, but it doesn’t thrill me,

despite the perfect draping and

immaculate hair.

Jenna Dewan TATUM

There were at least

three yellow frocks, and

somehow they all ended

up in different

categories. This lemony

one is very sweet.

Gillian FLYNN

Gillian (as you probably

know, but I didn’t) is the

author of ‘Gone Girl.’ Her

gown is a lovely colour,

but a size too small, and

maybe not terribly

flattering below the waist.

She did pretty well for a

Normal Person, though.

Christine BARANSKI

The petal-shaped

cutouts do nothing

for me, but the rich

oxblood shade is one

of my favourites.

Maura TIERNEY

Maura always seems

bored to me, but I think

that’s just the way her

face is. The cut and

colour of the dress is

probably lovelier than it

seems at first glance.

MEH.

The category for people who

just looked all right.

Amal CLOONEY

As the internet has

widely observed, Amal

Clooney is too good for

the Globes. But those

gloves are not good

enough for Amal

Clooney.

Here she is looking lovingly at George

Clooney. I actually love her. She is a

woman with an education, which

makes me think that I, too, could be a

woman with an education.

One of my favourite quips of the

night (at least in the half hour I

could bring myself to watch) was

by Tina Fey:

“[Amal is a] human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an

advisor to Kofi Annan on Syria, and was appointed to a three-person

commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So

tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

Emma STONE

I have a blind spot for

Emma too, because of

her great name, great

hair, and great

personality. These are

not great pants. But she

looks cute as a button

anyway.

Here she is from the

side, still looking

cute. If she wore a

garbage bag, it

would probably

make me want to go

out and buy a

garbage bag.

Greer GRAMMER

I don’t really know what

show she’s in. I suppose

this dress was incredibly

pretty in real life, but I

feel like I’ve seen it a

million times on a

million similar blondes.

Emily BLUNT

Emily seems to end up on

everyone’s ‘best dressed’ list

by default, but I did not like

this. I think there was way

too much flesh showing in

general last night, so I’m

really sick of the cut-out

trend. Her hair looks matted

and unwashed, and her

makeup is a bit harsh.

Laura CARMICHAEL

In the whole last season of

‘Downton Abbey,’ which I

halfheartedly hate-watched,

Lady Edith just moped around

looking depressed the whole

time. So at least she’s

smiling. But the starfish dress

is pretty ordinary.

Here is Lady Edith looking

depressed.

Ana FARIS

Just so boring.

Camila ALVES

Mrs McConaughey usually

brings it. The dress is fine,

and she looks great in pink,

but her hair is a couple of

inches too tall, and the

blonde streaks are

completely unnecessary.

Amelia WARNER

Amelia Warner,

demonstrating the “bell”

effect created by mullet-

dresses, with a dropped

waist, a frill, and some

dirty feathers to

exacerbate the whole

catastrophe.

Felicity HUFFMAN

Fliss actually looks pretty

great here. I just hope

those side panels aren’t

actually transparent. I’m

tired of always knowing

whether people are

wearing underwear.

Gwyneth “Consciously

Uncoupled” PALTROW

Did I mention that I hate

transparency? In governments,

fine. In frocks, not so much.

I’ll add a couple of points for

unflattering lighting, but

deduct two for the beachy

hair and bubblegum pink.

Emmanuelle CHRIQUI

This has been done before,

and better.

The ANISTON-THEROUX’s

I don’t know if Jen was drunk or

what, but on the red carpet,

with that bronzy tan and

sequinned halter-neck dress

with a thigh-high split you can’t

see here, was very much the

‘sassy broad’ of the night. They

look cute though…

…and I respect her decision to

be the ‘anti-Jolie’ that

Hollywood sorely needs. She

does a lot for charity, but

you’ll never see her posing

beatifically in a hijab.

Julia LOUIS-DREYFUS

She did the white dress

better in 2006:

Kate BECKINSALE

The dress is very

bridesmaidy, and not in a

good way. But the real

issue I have with Kate

Beckinsale is her devotion

to the teased updo. It

often verges on beehive

territory.

WHY,

Kate

Beckinsale?

Liana VASQUEZ

Sweetie, I know it’s an ugly

dress, but if you’re going

to wear it, you have to

SELL IT.

LORDE

Bless her for wearing

pants, but if it weren’t for

the crop top she’d look

like a realtor. And the crop

top must die. I also really

hate that song she wrote.

Louise ROE

Louise is some kind of

presenter. She always turns

up to things, and I always

make a mental note to find

out who she actually is and

what she’s doing there.

Maybe next year. This looked

nice on the red carpet. The

makeup isn’t great.

Maggie GYLLENHAAL

Maggie is pretty much

wearing Pantone’s

nondescript and universally

despised colour of the

year, “Marsala.” The dress

is blah, and I don’t know

why she clings to this

unflattering hairstyle.

Michelle MONAGHAN

I guess this is fine, it just

looks like something

Gwyneth Paltrow might

have worn in the mid-to-

late nineties, while dating

Brad Pitt or promoting

‘Sliding Doors.’

Sienna MILLER

This would be lovely with a few

tweaks. There really were a lot

of very-deep-V’s on the red

carpet this year, and I’m

concerned that it’s becoming the

norm. How much lower can they

go? But I would have given the

plunging neckline a pass if not

for the transparent mesh at the

sides and back. It’s overkill.

Renee RUSSO

Ill-fitting, creased,

scrunchy and drab. Which

is a shame, because she

looks spectacular from the

neck up.

BEST I was going to put all these at the

end, but I was concerned that I

was getting too cynical.

Sometimes you have to break

the cycle.

Anna KENDRICK

I don’t usually go for these

neutral netting things with

embellishments, but I love

this. I think it’s my

favourite look of the night.

She looks polished and

elegant – no navels or fake

tan in sight!

Benedict CUMBERBATCH,

Sophie HUNTER-CUMBERBATCH

And introducing

Unborn Baby CUMBERBATCH.

THE CUMBERBATCHES!

This Erdem might be

controversial, I don’t know. I’m

too scared to ask the internet,

because I actually love it.

Dakota FIFTY SHADES

(I can’t remember).

Personally I think this is a

more successful metallic

dress than Reese

Witherspoon’s very safe silver

sheath. Or maybe it’s

because she’s a pale

brunette, and I automatically

assume they have more class.

Jessica Parker

KENNEDY

I have no idea who this

is. Her name sounds

like a mash-up of

various other famous

people’s. But her dress

is very chic.

Joanne FROGGATT

I couldn’t find any really

detailed pics of her dress. I

guess nobody expected her

to win. I actually loathed

the episode of “Downton

Abbey” she won for, but

her gown is really

beautiful.

Julia GOLDANI

She’s apparently some kind of

actress. This might be a bit

out of left field, but I love

the vivid blue with her

almost-goth colouring and

dark red lipstick. She looks

original. It also fits perfectly.

Good use of mesh!

I’m NOT TELLING.

This is a person with bad

hair, who usually doesn’t

look this good. But if you

forget about her hair, you

can’t NOT approve of this

very flattering navy dress

in matte fabric. MATTE,

Heidi Klum. Not everything

has to be shiny.

Leslie MANN

I pretty much always think

Leslie Mann is a ray of

sunshine, even when she’s

not literally dressed as a

ray of sunshine, as she is

here. She just seems so

fun.

Salma HAYEK

I know this is maybe a bit

bridal, and I loathe the

matching clutch with the

heat of a thousand Leslie

Mann’s, but she looks so

fresh and youthful, I just

thought “OOOH! Ahh.”

Lupita NYONG’O

I have a feeling Lupita’s

frock will prove

controversial too, but I

love it. It might be because

I love her, but I’m okay

with that.

“OOOH! Ahh.”

WORST. …aaaand we’re back

to the cynicism.

J LO

EWW.

UUUGH.

Kate HUDSON

See, this is what I mean.

It’s just plunging necklines

and cut-outs all over the

place. I feel like we’ve

actually regressed. In fact,

this Versace is just like

that other Versace…

Giuliana RANIC

There was an awful lot of

fake tan around at this

event. But I can’t really

comment on that, or the

ugly pink dress, because

she just looks so

painfully ill.

Tiziana ROCCA

I would have no qualms

whatsoever commenting on

this, but I am actually

speechless.

Jemima KIRKE

In costume as some kind of

cult member from the

sixties.

Katie CASSIDY

I don’t know who you are,

young lady, but it’s LEGS or

CHEST,

NOT BOTH.

Melissa McCARTHY

Melissa actually

admitted to piecing

this…outfit?...together

from things that already

existed in her wardrobe.

So that explains that.

Chrissy TEIGEN

John Legend’s girlfriend in

a frock that isn’t lined. It

would be passable if not

for the unfortunate optical

illusion. It really looks like

a nappy, doesn’t it.

Lana DEL RAY

Lizzie Grant, in costume as

Lana Del Ray.

Laura PREPON

Why does

someone always

do Morticia

Addams?

Ruth WILSON

I really hate this, although I’ve heard

others like it. I rarely approve of the

turtleneck/sleeveless combo, and the

pea-green colour combined with that

superfluous diagonal stripe across the

hips…ugh. If Hannah Bagshawe

represented green-done-right, Ruth

Wilson is the was the poster-girl for

green-gone-wrong.

Zosia MAMET

She literally looks like one

of those cakes with a doll

in it. And is her hair GREY??

Lena DUNHAM

None of the ‘Girls’ girls

really got it right (do they

ever?) but I couldn’t help

noticing Lena was

extremely friendly and

cheerful on the red carpet,

just like a normal person.

Claire DANES

Well, this is just plain awful. I

could potentially handle the

skirt with a completely

different bodice in a plain,

coordinating fabric, but this

baggy top with acres of loose

black chiffon is abominable.

Kristen WIIG

Oh Kristen Wiig. You are so

funny, and I want you to

host all the things. But

what were you thinking,

Kristen Wiig.

Robin

WRIGHT-NOT-PENN

I’m adding Robin to the

Tilda Swinton list (ie.

celebrities I’m frightened

of).

Tina FEY

I’ve actually never seen

anything like this on the

face of the earth.

Patricia ARQUETTE

I always despise these very

fussy, awkward, restrictive

gowns in stiff taffeta. This

one is creased, ill-fitting

and joyless. Which is a

shame, because she won.

Sack the stylist, Trish.

Kerry WASHINGTON

From the waist up it’s lovely, but

why do celebrities keep wearing

these dresses that truncate the

legs? Her little feet don’t even

look like they’re attached to the

rest of her. And the shoes (are

they red and black?) don’t match

anything.

Keira KNIGHTLEY

Wow, this was a rare miss for

Keira. I actually love the fabric

with the feathers and

butterflies, but the Puritan

collar and prairie hem are

simply awful. I’m blaming it on

pregnancy-brain.

Taryn MANNING

Why does someone always do

Wednesday Addams?

Rosamund PIKE

Last - and definitely least - Rosamund

Pike takes first place with what

people are calling a “nursing dress.”

There is no excuse for this monstrous

frock. Moving around on the red

carpet, she looked basically naked

from the waist up, and the pointless

display of flesh was not flattering.

Apparently Vera Wang said “leave it

to me darling, I know how to dress

women who have just given birth.”

Clearly Vera Wang lied, because this

doesn’t flatter Rosamund’s figure at all.

It just exposes as much of it as legally

possible. This hideous frock gave Ryan

Seacrest an opportunity to say something

like “how courageous you are to show so

much flesh after just having a baby.” He

literally used the word “flesh.” In fact,

all the positive comments were about

Rosamund’s “post-baby body,” which is a

really icky state of affairs. She’s so

beautiful, and she should have dressed

accordingly.

Just to end on a high

note, here is a picture of

a person called “margaret

Qualley” in a nice green

dress at a Globes after-

party. She looks

depressed, but I don’t

think she is.