The Climate of a Healthy Relationship Part 5 - Honesty

8/9/2019 The Climate of a Healthy Relationship Part 5 - Honesty

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The Climate of Healthy RelationshipsPart 5Honesty

Introduction: Relationships are built on trust and honesty. How can we create aclimate of honesty?

1 John 1:7

1. Build ___________________________________________________________.

Luke 16:10-11

2. Be _____________________________________________________________.

Ephesians 4:25; Leviticus 19:11, Proverbs 12:22, 24:26, John 8:32,

Colossians 3:9-10

3. Be _____________________________________________________________.Jeremiah 5:3, Proverbs 27:6

4. Know the _______________________________________________ of honesty.

Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:6

For Life Group Discussion: What next step can you take to create a climate of trust

and honesty in your relationships?


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The Climate of Healthy RelationshipsPart 5Honesty

Opening:Most living things require light to thrive.

Plants and animals will not be healthy without the proper amount ofsunlight.

People require light too. For example, some people suffer from SAD,seasonal affective disorder. As the days get shorter and there is less

sunlight, they may get depressed and moody. How many of you think you

suffer from SAD? SAD is treated by light; sometimes the person may use

artificial lights, or sometimes they have to move to a lighter climate.

Relationships need light toothe light of honesty, openness and transparency.Today, we wrap up our series on the climate of healthy relationshipswere

talking about honesty.

Offering and announcements:

Introduction:

ILL: Its only 10 days until the final installment of The Lord of the Rings

comes out in theaterswoohoo! How many of you have read the books?

Seen the movies? Dont give a rip?

One of the characters that will play a major role in the climax of thestory is Gollum. Originally, his name was Smeagol. While he was

swimming one day with a friend, he found a ringit turned out to be The

RingThe One Ring of Power. Smeagol killed his friend to keep the ring,

and ran far away and hid under a mountain, deep in the darkness. And there

he changed and became Gollum, a miserable creature, controlled by the ring

and twisted by the darkness, living alone and in fear.

Gollum is a parable of what happens to people when they choose to live in the

darkness of dishonesty rather than in the light. You end up lonely, afraid,

miserable and twisted. The Bible says that God is light, and that we need to live inthe light.

1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have

fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us

from all sin.

If we want to have fellowship with God, if we want to have a close relationship

with God, we need to walk in the light. We need to be living in the light,


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truthfully, out in the open. If we live in the darkness, always hiding things, being

deceitful, well never have fellowship. Close relationships only happen in the light,

in the climate of openness, honesty, transparency. Thats true of our relationships

with God or people.

Notice that living in the light not a climate of perfection. We still sin, and

we need Jesus to purify us. But even that is out in the open, in the light. We

acknowledge our sin, rather than trying to hide it. In fact the next verse says:

1 John 1:8-9 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the

truth is not in us._9_

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will

forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

This is part of living in the light too: I acknowledge my sin, my failures. If I claim

to be without sin, Im fooling myselfbut certainly nobody else. I dont pretend

that Im perfect or have it all together. I am honest with myself, with you and with

God. I own up and come clean, and God forgives and purifies me, and we have

fellowship. Thats living in the light.Relationships thrive in the light; they die in the darkness. Relationships

thrive on honesty, openness, transparency, and trust. Just like living things need

light to thrive, your relationships need the light of honesty to thrive and be healthy.

Relationships are built on trust and honesty. Youll never be close to

someone you dont trust, someone who is not honest with you.

ILL: Our family watches Survivorwe enjoy the human dynamics.

Sometimes, people have tried to win the game andbe honest. But in this

particular game, the remaining contestants have all decided to lie their way

to top. And biggest liar of all is John, who lies to everyone. To win one

reward, John told everyone that his grandmother had died back home.

Everyone let him win out of sympathy. He was lyinghis grandmother is

fine! He lies to the other players but swears on his dead grandmothers

grave that hes telling the truth. They believe him! I just want to jump into

the TV and scream, Hes lying!

Thursday night, one of the players, Krista, made an interesting

comment. Were all lying. Its how you play the game. You cant trust

anyone. Its every man for himself. Were not out here to make best

friends. Were out here to win a million bucks.

Were not out here to make best friends. Everyone knows that you dont makefriends by lying to them. Relationships thrive in a climate of honesty. How do

create a climate of honesty?

1. Build trust.

If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships you must

build trust. People will only be honest if they feel safe. They must be able to trust


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you.

There is a symbiotic relationship between honesty and trust. We trust only

people that are honest with us. We are completely honest only with people we

trust. Honesty and trust always work together.

ILL: Patrick Lencioni, in his best selling book, The Five Dysfunctions of a

Team, says that teams are dysfunctional when they cant have honest

conflict. And they cant have honest conflict when they dont trust each

other. So, he says, you start by building trust. When people trust each other,

they will risk being honest.

If you want honesty, you need to build trust. There are two ways to build trust in a

relationship.

First, you build trust by genuinely loving the other person. I placed this

message last in the series, because when you love and respect and forgive and

show kindness, you build the kind of trust that fosters honesty. I can be honest

with someone who loves me, respects me, forgives me, and is kind to me. Its safe.To be completely honest with another human being, to let someone see who you

really are, warts and all, is a very risky undertaking. What will they think of me?

Will they accept me or reject me? Love gives people the freedom to be honest.

When I know that you love me, I can risk being transparent. When I know that youll forgive me, I can risk being honest about my sins. When I know that youll respect me, I can risk telling you what I really

think.

When I know that youll be kind, I can risk sharing how I really feel.Love, respect, forgiveness and kindness create a climate of trust; and that in turn

fosters honesty. I trust people that I know love me, and feel free to be transparent.

People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care.

There is an Arab proverb that says, Ah, the beauty of being at peace with another,

neither having to weigh thoughts or measure words, but spilling them out just as

they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will keep what is

worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. When you

know someone loves you, you can be honestyou dont have to weigh your

thoughts or measure your words, but just spill them out as they are.

ILL: A friend of mine named Doug tells the story of a man who started

attending their church. He was trapped in a gay lifestyle and was looking fora way out, but he feared he would be rejected by the church. One day he

came up to Doug after a service and said, "I'm a homosexual. I've been

attending for several months and been watching your demeanor. I'm

persuaded this is a pretty safe place. I want to commit my life to Christ."

They prayed, and afterward Doug introduced him to the leaders of their

ministry to homosexuals. He joined the program, and 3 months later handed


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Doug a letter.

"The deciding moment in my life for overcoming homosexual desires

was when I came up to you and told you where I was. After sitting in

services for several months, I guessed I would be accepted. When I

introduced myself to you, the look in your eye told me I was accepted. I

knew you saw a person rather than a gay person. At that moment I knew I

was free."

A climate of love, respect, forgiveness and kindness made it possible for him to be

honest.

How is trust built? A little at a time. One loving word, one kind action at a

time. When someone has proven himself trustworthy with a little, we trust him

with more.

Luke 16:10-11 Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted

with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest

with much.It takes time to build trust, but it doesnt take long to destroy it. Years of trust can

be blown up by a single big dishonesty. I can forgive someone quickly; that takes

care of the past. But it might take awhile to trust them again; that deals with the

future. Trust is earned; we build trust one word or deed at a time with love,

respect, forgiveness and kindness. People have to know that its safe to be honest

with you.

The second way to build trust is to be honest.

2. Be honest.

We have to trust each other if were going to be honest. And we have to be

honest with each other if were going to trust. If you are not honest with me, I

cant trust you.

If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you must be

honest! That seems obvious, doesnt it? Honesty invites honesty. Openness

breeds openness. You create a climate of honesty and you build trust by being

honest. If you are dishonest, people wont trust you, and they will be reluctant to

be honest back. Your honesty will invite and encourage others to be honest with

you.

ILL: A psychologist was speaking to a national convention of psychologistsand made an astonishing boast. He said that he could have any patient open

up to him and tell him their deepest secrets within fifteen minutes in their

first appointment. What was his secret? He simply shared some secret from

his own life that if revealed to others could damage his reputation and future.

This personal transparency on his part created a safe atmosphere for his

patients to share their secrets.


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Im honest with you; you trust me; and youre honest with me. Thats how a

climate of honesty is created.

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak

truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Put off falsehoodno more deception, lies, or half-truths. No more making

ourselves look better than we really are. No more exaggeration, distortion or

embellishment. Just tell the truth. Speak truthfully. Why? Because we are

members of one body.

Paul uses his favorite analogy of the church. The church is the body of

Christ. We are joined to each other as Christians in the same way that the

members of our body are connected. Now what would happen if the members of

your body lied to each other?

What if your stomach was full, but sent signals to your head, saying, Morefood! (This really happens for lots of us!) We get sickor fat!

What if your eyes see a wall in front of you, but sent a signal to your brain,saying, All clear; full steam ahead? Youd hurt yourself.

What if you broke an ankle, but your leg masked the pain and sent amessage to your brain, Ok down here?

Do you know thats what happens to a person with leprosy? Leprosy destroys the

nerves so a person doesnt feel pain. A leper might break an ankle and keep

walking on it, doing permanent damage; or set his hand on a hot burner and not

feel a thing as his flesh burns.

When members of your body stop telling the truth to each other, what do we

call that? Disease! We go to a doctor to fix it.

And thats true of us in our relationships. When we stop telling the truth to

each other, our relationships are diseased; unless we get help, theyll die.

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

I like that! An honest answer is an expression of love.

Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

If you love me, tell me the truth. Honesty is essential to relationships.

ILL: All of our staff knows the Big 5. When they are hired, we tell them

that there are five non-negotiables, five things we expect, and if you violate

them, youll lose your job. Want to know what those are? We expect our

staff to:1. Maintain a vital relationship with Jesus, so they should have regular PBJ

time.

2. Tithe and give offerings. If we expect our church members to do this, wecant expect less of our staff.

3. Be drug and alcohol free. If you work for me, you dont drink or dodrugs.


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4. Be sexually pure. In fact, we expect them to not even be in acompromising situation where they could be accused of wrongdoing.

5. Be honest. If you lie to me, youre gone.Why #5? Because honesty is essential to relationships.

If you are not honest with me, I cant know you. We only know a person to the

degree that person practices honest self-disclosure. I can only know you if you

want me to, if you are willing to be honest, willing to tell the truth about yourself.

Have you ever thought you knew someone well, and then discovered some secret

that made you say, I thought I knew you, but I was wrong? You only know

someone if they are honest with you.

You have to be honest.

3. Be teachable.

If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you must be

teachable. That is, you must be willing to listen to and accept the truth when otherpeople are courageous enough to give it to you. Someone may love you enough to

tell you the truth, but if you react, if you refuse to listen or get defensive, you shut

down communication. Next time, your friend will not be as likely to be honest.

You will create a climate of dishonesty in which we keep our thoughts to

ourselves; we dont risk rocking the boat. A climate of honesty involves give and

take; you must give itspeak the truth; and you must take itreceive it when

someone else speaks the truth.

ILL: When I was playing football in high school, our coach told us that if he

got after us, it was because he knew we could do better. He told us not to

take it personally, or get our feelings hurt. He wanted us to improve,

become better football playersthats why he would get after us. The time

to feel bad, he said, is when I stop getting after you. That means Ive

given up on you. And Ill only give up on you if you stop being coachable.

We had to be coachable, teachableor the relationship didnt work. The same is

true in any honest relationship. There has to be give and take.

Wise people welcome honest input from trusted friends.

Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy

multiplies kisses.

When a friend loves you enough to tell you the truth, even though it may be painful, listen and learn. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. A wise person

listens and learns.

Proverbs 13:1 A wise son heeds his fathers instruction, but a mocker does

not listen to rebuke.

A wise person listens to instruction or rebuke.

Proverbs 15:31 He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home


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among the wise.

A wise person listens to correction.

Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a

hundred lashes a fool.

A discerning person is impressed by correction.

Proverbs 19:25 Flog a mocker, and the simple will learn prudence; rebuke a

discerning man, and he will gain knowledge.

A discerning person learns from correction.

ILL: Twenty years ago, Gordon McDonald was in Japan on a speaking tour

with a close personal friend, an older man.

As we walked down the street in Yokohama, Japan, the name of a

common friend came up, and I said something unkind about that person. It

was sarcastic. It was cynical. It was a put-down. My older friend stopped,

turned, and faced me until his face was right in front of mine. With deep,

slow words he said, "Gordon, a man who says he loves God would not say athing like that about a friend."

He could have put a knife into my ribs, and the pain would not have

been any less. But you know something? There have been ten thousand

times in the last twenty years that I have been saved from making a jerk of

myself. When I've been tempted to say something unkind about a brother or

sister, I hear my friend's voice say, "Gordon, a man who says he loves God

would not speak in such a way about a friend."

When we are teachable, when we welcome correction, when we are willing to

listen to the painful truth, we create a climate of honesty in which we grow and our

relationships are healthy. On the other hand, if we are too insecure or too proud to

be rebuked, we create dysfunctional relationships.

Proverbs 9:7-8 Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes

a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;

rebuke a wise man and he will love you.

Correct a mocker and what do you get? Insults, abuse, and hatred. Tell someone

the truth who doesnt want to hear it and theyll hate you for it. Not a healthy

climate.

ILL: In Business @ the Speed of Thought, Bill Gates, of Microsoft, writes:

A good e-mail system ensures that bad news can travel fast, but yourpeople have to be willing to send you the news. You have to be constantly

receptive to bad news, and then you have to act on it. Sometimes I think my

most important job as CEO is to listen for bad news. If you don't act on it,

your people will eventually stop bringing bad news to your attention. And

that's the beginning of the end.

The willingness to hear hard truth is vital not only for heads of big corporations but


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also for anyone who wants healthy relationships. Sometimes the truth sounds like

bad news, but it is just what we need. When we stop listening and learning, thats

the beginning of the end.

Healthy relationships are honest relationships. Each person knows that he is

loved, she is respected, and can give and take honest feedback.

4. Know the boundaries of honesty.

If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you need to

know the boundaries of honesty. What do I mean by the boundaries of honesty? I

mean that you should not say everything you think and feel. There is a time to

speak and a time to be silent, and you need to know the difference.

There is a right and wrong kind of honesty. Some things are really better

left unsaid.

ILL: Do you remember the TV commercials for Jim Rhomes sports talk

show called The Last Word. Rhome is famous for being outspoken, sothats what the commercials advertise: brutal honesty.

In one, a young man introduces his girlfriend to his parents, who say,

Oh; we were expecting someone pretty. Brutal honesty.

In another, a proud mom points out her cheerleader daughter to a man

who says, Gosh, shes pretty light on her feet for a fat girl. Brutal honesty.

In another, an expectant couple ask a doc doing an ultrasound what

the baby is going to be, and the doc looks at them and says, Ugly. Brutal

honesty.

When someone says he is going to be brutally honest, its usually more about being

brutal than being honest. The next time you catch yourself saying, Im going to

be brutally honest, you ought to stop yourself. You wont create a climate of

honesty by being brutal. Instead youll destroy relationships. The Bible says that

we need to speak the truth in love.

Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things

grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

Speak the truth, but in love. It has to be helpful. That doesnt mean that it never

hurts or is never hard, but it has to be motivated out of genuine love, not a careless

commitment to brutal honesty.

ILL: In the car Eileen Munros four-year-old granddaughter asked her whyshe was wearing a brightly colored scarf.

"I thought it would make my blue suit look much prettier," she said.

After a moment's consideration, she replied sympathetically, "It didn't

work, did it?"

Thats funny from a four-year-oldbut not from an adult!

Other people feel like they have to be totally honest. They have to tell


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everything they think or feel, even if its inappropriate. For example, the followers

of Rabbi Shammai in Jesus day were so concerned about truth-telling that they

forbade ordinary politeness. They wouldn't tell a bride that she looked beautiful if

she was a little homely. A new baby may be dirt ugly, but you don't need to tell his

doting parents! There are times when you should keep your opinions and feelings to

yourself!

ILL: Many years ago, a lady approached Laina and asked if they could talk.

Laina sensed she wanted to share somethingshe did. She told Laina, I

feel really bad about this, but Ive always hated you. You seem too perfect

and you intimidate me. But I feel better now that Ive told you.

What was Laina supposed to do? Gosh, thanks for sharing that! I

wanted to thump that lady on the noggin!

Her intentions were good, but she stepped across the boundaries of

honesty.

She spoke the truth, but it wasnt motivated out of love for Laina, just selfishness.She got it off her chest and she felt better, but she left Laina feeling badly.

If you want to create a climate of honesty, you have to know the boundaries

of honesty. Speak the truth in love. Never be brutally honest.

The Climate of a Healthy Relationship Part 5 - Honesty

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