A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH ONESELF

Marjana Skalic, B. A. psychologist

Our personality is like an onion. Behaviour is just the visible outer layer that stems from what is inside (see picture). Self-respect is the core of

everything.

CHARACTERISTICS OF A PERSON WITH HEALTHY FEELING OF HIS OR HER VALUE:

- is content with her- or himself- accepts her- or himself and others;-is kind to her- or himself and others, can appropriately

defend her- or himself if necessary;-has no major problems with accepting or giving

criticism.

Accepts and respects him- or herself despite wishing to change some things.

.

He or she assesses his or her characteristics realistically, without exaggerated pride or shame.

Does not assess the value nor of her- or himself neither of otheres. She or he is not burdened with »I must ...«

He or she accepts challenges, tries new things, sometimes takes risk.

He or she develops his or her talents and grows interests.

Balances work and rest.

Takes responsibility for her or his life.

Solves her or his problems.

She or he is willing to accepts consequences of decisions.

Can RECOGNIZE what can be altered

and ACCEPT what cannot be.

Is not burdened with fear and negative tougths.

Can feel joy and love.

Lives in the now.

Live in the present moment.

THE PAST IS GONE,

THE FUTURE IS MISTERY,

THE PRESENT IS A GIFT.

Underrating oneself can lead to

counterproductive behaviour: • avoiding, • isolation, • procrastination, • perfectionism.

W. Shakespeare: »NOTHING IS GOOD OR BAD IN ITSELF. EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON OUR THINKING.«

Let us not tell ourselves: »I am a looser.«

Rather: »This was a mistake. I have learned something new from it.«

Henry Ford:

»IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN OR YOU BELIEVE YOU CANNOT YOU ARE RIGHT IN EITHER CASE.«

SELF-ACCEPTANCE • No self-judgement, please! We are too complex, too changing beings to »measure« our value globally;• We are imperfect, fallible human beings, our value does not

depend on achievements.

IT IS AN INEVITABLE CONDITION FOR CHANGING.

RELATIONSHIP WITH ONESELF SHOULD BE:

• ACCEPTING, CARING, LIKE WITH OUR CHILD OR BEST FRIEND.

• A PERSON WITH SUCH RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM- OR HERSELF DOES NOT CHOOSE HARMFUL BEHAVIOUR. SHE OR HE DOES WHAT IS GOOD FOR HER OR HIM.

• ONLY WHEN WE APPRECIATE OURSELVES, OTHERS WILL APPRECIATE US.

8 PRINCIPLES FOR DEVELOPING A SENSE OF ONE'S OWN VALUE:

1. ACCEPT YOURSELF IN THIS MOMENT.

2. LOOK INTO YOURSELF, NOT OUT OF YOURSELF.

3. STOP CRITICISING YOURSELF.

4. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

5. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS OR AN IDEAL.

6. DO NOT REPROACH YOURSELF YOUR MISTAKES (you are doing your best).

7. YOU ARE WORTH OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

8. TAKE THE RESPONSIBILLITY FOR YOUR LIFE.

Let us turn negative inner dialogue into a positive one. Instead of:

Instead of: • I cannot do that. • Surely everything will go wrong. • I will never learn that. • I cannot give up smoking. We say to ourselves: • I can if I want. • If anything goes wrong, we are going to improvise. • Let me see if I can learn that.

Instead of emphasising our powerlessness let us rather use POWER VOCABULARY:

• »I CAN ACHIEVE THAT IF I WANT.« • »I KNOW I CAN.« -• » I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF.« • »THIS IS NEW EXPERIENCE.«

Let us do away with »I MUST ...« We substitute »MUST« with »It would be good«.

This is not irresponsibility, it means we stop criticisingourselves.

»I must« means conditional self-acceptance.

REMEMBER:

- People are not perfect. Noone is.- We are all equal, regardless of skills and others.

- If someone is talented or trained for something, they are not better person because of this. We can take others for example, learn from them … but not compare!

And for the end …

YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY WITH YOURSELF.

St. Francis of Assisi