The Art of

Dealing With Difficult People

Our Cast of Characters

• The Whiner

• The Complainer

• The Arguer

• The Bully

• The Know-It-All

• The Cynic

• The Grouch

• Nicey Nice

• Captain Chaos

• Slick Willy

• Passive Listeners

• Yes People

• No People

• I don’t know People

• Dogmatic People

• Inflexible People

• Manipulative People

• Destructive People

Advantages of Being

a Difficult Person

Difficult people don’t have to do as much.

Difficult people win when everyone else loses.

Difficult people are rarely asked to do extra work.

Difficult people are the squeaky wheel that always seems to get greased.

Difficult people don’t get stuck with responsibility. They’ve proved it’s “not worth the pain” and they always picked out someone else to blame.

Leadership Dynamics

Difficult People to this

Because we have let them!

By avoiding difficult people and notdealing with them, we have enabled,encouraged, and empowered theirdestructive behavior.

Leadership Dynamics

Dealing with Difficult People

Basic Truth

It will be easier to modify your

behavior and attitudes, than it will beto change another human being.

Leadership Dynamics

DifficultVersus

Destructive

Difficult people may be annoying butdestructive people can cripple anorganization's effectiveness by creatingnegative attitudes in others.

Leadership Dynamics

Elements of Character

ASSURANCE

ATTITUDEACTIONS

A3

Leadership Dynamics

Elements of Character

ASSURANCE(How a person views themselves)

Almost invisibleLittle outside effect

Long term effect

ATTITUDE(How a person views the world)

Somewhat visibleSome outside effectIntermediate effect

ACTIONS(Assurance and

Attitude Demonstrated)

Very VisibleCan be affected

Short-term effect

A3

WHAT WE REALLY ARE

HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THINGS

WHAT WE DO ABOUT THINGS

Leadership Dynamics

Elements of Character“Looking inside the M&M”

Do

Think

Believe

Actions

Attitude

Assurance

We are what we do, We do what we think,

We think what we believe

ESSENCE

Desires

Principles

EthicsMorals

Values

IdealsEssence

Be

ha

vio

rs

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AssuranceSelf-Confidence, Self-Image, and Self-Assurance

Benefits and Builders of

ASSURANCE

Optimistic Attitudes

Empathy

Self-Reliance

Humility

Innovation

Barriers and Destroyers of

ASSURANCE

Cynical Attitudes

Fear

DependenceBad Habits

FailureSuccess

Arrogance

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Dynamic of Attitude

3%

Charismatic

Creates Positive Attitude in Others

13%

Cynical

Sees the difficulty in circumstances

3%

Destructive

Creates Negative Attitude in Others

13%

Optimistic

Sees the opportunity in circumstances

68%

Moody

Mental feeling dependent on

situation

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Destructive Attitude’s Influence

3%

Charismatic

50%

Cynical

3%

Destructive

9%

Optimistic

35%

Moody

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MoodyCynical Optimistic

Denies Learns

Excellence

Average

Destructive

Extraordinary

Destructive Charismatic

Avoids Accepts

Actions/ResponsibilityDynamic of Character Model

Attitude

Extraordinary Characteristics(One in a Million)

• Confident

• Positive

• Admits Mistakes

• Persuasive

• Understands Self

• High Energy

• Patient

• Little need for approval

• Decisive

• Self-Disciplined

• Good Self-Image

• Insensitive to Criticism

• Learns from Mistakes

• Communicates Well

• Understands People

• Goal Oriented

• Calm

• Easily gives approval

• Relaxed

• Humble

The Extraordinary Character type is motivated to become Self-

actualized and to compete with their own best work. They are

“permission givers”. They represent the ideal of human ethics.

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Excellent Characteristics(The Few and the Proud)

• Confident

• Good Self-Image

• Communicates Well

• Accepts Other’s Ideas

• Goal Oriented

• Responsible

• Accepts Mistakes

• Positive

• Tolerant of Others

• Understands Others

• Comfortable with People

• Energetic

• Flexible

• Solves Problems

The Excellent Character type is motivated to achieve, to win and

accomplish personally and professionally. They are the “worker

bees” in organizations that get things done.

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Average Characteristics(The Huddled Masses and Good Ole Boys)

• Poor Self-Image

• Doesn’t Understand Self

• Slow to learn from

mistakes

• Low energy

• Apathetic

• Need approval of others

• Sensitive to real or implied

criticism

• Lacks confidence

• Self-conscious

• Indecisive

• Poor Self Discipline

• Non-responsible

• Little Drive

The Average Character type wants to make it through the day,

week, and month and to retire. They want to survive and avoid

mistakes. They are the “pawns” in an organization.

Leadership Dynamics

Destructive Characteristics(The Takers in Life)

• Synthetic Self-Image

• Often Arrogant

• Critical of Others

• Argumentative

• Self-Centered

• Negative

• Doesn’t understand others

• Doubts people’s motives

• Uninterested in others

• Works poorly on a team

• Can’t Admit Own Mistakes

• Can’t see other viewpoints

• Cynical

• Irresponsible

• Defensive

• Tense

The Destructive Character type wants to get something for

nothing. They are experts at failure and want to bring as many

people to their level as possible. They are the “disrupters” in an

organization.

Leadership Dynamics

Dealing with Destructive People

• Choices directly affect Actions and Attitude

• Actions and Attitude indirectly affect Assurance

• To effectively deal with destructive people, a leader must deal with the person’s Actions and behaviors.

• Actions can be affected by using: • driving force (motivation) ,

• controlling force (monitoring),

• making the person responsible for actions,

• documentation,

• communication

• learning (consequences and rewards), and

• by modeling

Leadership Dynamics

Playing to Survive(Dealing with Destructive People)

Do Document

Deal with behavior, not personalities.

Be explicit in your expectations. (Put important desired behaviors in writing.)

Work on Actions and Behaviors before attempting to change Attitudes and Self-Esteem

Constantly reinforce positive and negative behaviors

Don’t Let destructive people drag you to their level

Overreact

(Be proactive in dealing with behaviors instead of reactive)

SMART Tips for Documenting

BehaviorSuccessfully dealing with difficult people requires the ability to be logical and rational with their behaviors. Focus on the facts and write down Who. What, When, and Where events happen.

• Specifics (Write down specific actions of events and behaviors.)

• Measurable (Write down the measurable effect of the action.)

• Accurate (Be accurate and don’t let emotions and prejudice hamper the

ability to document and remember exactly what the behavior was.)

• Relevant (Be sure that the information being documented is important to

the behaviors that are being corrected.)

• Time (Give time limits to explicit instructions and plans for improvement.)

Communication is the Life Blood for an Organization

Leadership Dynamics

Restricted Information Flow

Information flows “One-Way” or is “Broadcast”

Poor Listening Little Respect for Other

Points of View There is a “Knowledge is

Power” Mentality A culture exists, which

does not encourage Open, Direct, and Honest exchange of ideas

Organizations with a restricted flow ofinformation struggle to keep up withmarket trends and have poor adaptivecapability. They struggle to have abroad enough knowledge base tosurvive.

Restricted

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Hemorrhaging Information Flow

Gossiping and the Rumor Mill are in high gear

Poor Listening Little Respect for Other

Points of View “Knowledge is Power” and

the Destructive Character Types will use knowledge to create chaos

A culture exists, which leads people to believe rumors instead of the leader’s signals

Hemorrhaging

Organizations with a hemorrhaginginformation flow are often groups thatare out of control. Chaos andconfusion are common.

Leadership Dynamics

Balanced Information Flow

High levels of trust and organizational integrity exist

Good Listening Behaviors Respect for Diversity and Other

Points of View Knowledge is Power and the

organization is striving to increase the group’s knowledge base to achieve organizational goals

A culture exists, which allows people to communicate openly and honestly

Members at all levels of the organization feel that they have input

Balanced

Organizations with a balancedinformation flow are constantlycreating a vision for the currentreality. They value the group’sperspective and are prepared tosucceed by making adaptive changesto the real circumstances.

Leadership Dynamics

HIGH

LOW

Dynamic of Communication Styles

Argue

Compete and defend

points of view

Debate

Arguing with rules

Curiosity

Discussion

Negotiation and

Compromise

Dialogue

Seeking

to understand

Synthetic or Arrogant

Uncertain

Assured

Humble

Self-Assurance

Leadership Dynamics

Primary Factors Affecting the Communication Strategy

• Self-Assurance Level(From Arrogance to Humility)

• Concern for Others(From Selfish to Selfless)

• Level of Influence(From Low to High)

• Curiosity Level(From Competing to Learning)

Leadership Dynamics

Argumentative

Selfish to Selfless

Concern for Others

Passive

Manipulative

Argue

OpenDialogue

Negotiating

Discuss

Debate

+

© Bob Perry 2002

Signs That You Are a Non-Assertive Communicator

• You have trouble saying no, even when you really should.

• You feel people take advantage of you or “walk all over you”

• You have trouble keeping your temper under control

• You find it easier to talk about someone than to someone

Leadership Dynamics

What is Assertiveness?

• It’s not aggressiveness…it’s a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat

• It’s dependent on a feeling of self-worth, a sense that you are in control of your destiny

“Many of us are taught that we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't "make waves", that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.”

From Dr. Vivian Barnette, Ph.D. University of Iowa

Leadership Dynamics

How to Become More Assertive

1. Express EmpathySay something that shows your understanding of the other person’s viewpoint. This shows that you’re not trying to pick a fight.

2. State the ProblemFactually describe your difficulty or dissatisfaction. Tell the other party why you need something to change.

3. State what you want or needMake specific requests for the changes you expect in the other person’s behavior

Try writing down your feelings and key points, before talking to the other party. Try to be non-emotional, objective, and factual.

Leadership Dynamics

More Tips to Becoming an Assertive Communicator

• Keep the focus on the problem you’re having, not on accusing or blaming the other person

• Use facts, not judgments or opinions• Express ownership of your thoughts, feelings,

and opinions• Use assertive body language. Face the other

person, stand or sit straight, and maintain eye contact. Be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.

Leadership Dynamics

Advanced Tips to Becoming an Assertive Communicator

• Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice. Don’t get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic.

• Deflect some negative and manipulative criticism by agreeing with some of the facts, but keep the focus on the real issues.

• Let someone cool down if they become agitated. Avoid being drawn into an angry argument.

• Summarize and specify points of agreement and disagreement to insure that all parties are “hearing” the same thing. Possibly make notes to document communication and make the other party accountable.

Leadership Dynamics

The ability to disagree

Agreeably is the

Foundation of tact

And influence.

Words of Wisdom

Leadership Dynamics

Tact Tips Learn to disagree, agreeably.

See things from the other person’s perspective

Respect other’s opinions… agree with them when possible

Make the other person feel important

Look for win-win opportunities

Lose graciously

Give ideas away. Look for opportunities to praise other people’s ideas.

Use these magic words that never get tired…

Thank-you, please, and I’m sorry

Eliminate these words…

“They did” and “We can’t”

Don’t tell people what to do…

Give options and choices while explaining consequences and rewards

Ask more questions…and state less opinion.

To be interesting…be interested.

Leadership Dynamics

Other Tact Tips A soft answer turns away wrath…but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Motion causes Friction and Change Causes Conflict…Lubrication reduces Friction and Tact reduces Conflict.

When you have a little honey…Spread it as far as it will go

Time heals all wounds…for those who want to get well.

Never give up on anyone… miracles happen all the time.

All people have value…sometimes it’s just well disguised.

Knowing the right answer…is rarely as valuable as knowing the right questions to ask.

There’s always at least two sides to a story…with the truth camouflaged somewhere in between.

Still more Tips Never argue with an idiot…They will drag you to their level and beat you

with experience.

Never underestimate stupidity.

There’s just no fixing stupid.

If you can’t laugh at yourself…You don’t deserve to laugh at anything.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.