8/14/2019 Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen

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TenWaysTo

Turn

AroundYour

Teen

(e-book)

by

MARKGREGSTON

HEARTLIGHTMINISTRIESFOUNDATION

POBOX480

Hallsville,TX75650

PHONE:903-668-2173

www.heart

lightresources.org

www.heart

lightministries.org

www.ma

rkgregston.com

2009HEARTLIGH

TMINISTRIESFOUNDATION

Reproductionorduplicationinanyformofanyportionofthemateria

l

containedinthispublicationforthepurposeofsellingorgaininganyfo

rm

ofremunerationforthismaterialoranypartthereofisstrictlyprohibit

ed

byU.S.

copyrightlaw.

MarkGre

gstonisthefounderofHeartlightMin

istries,aresidential

counselingprogramforteens,andtheauthoro

fseveralbooksand

workbook

s.HeisacolumnistandthehostofPa

rentingTodaysTeens

onradiod

ailyacrossNorthAmerica.Apopular

speakerandseminar

leader,M

arkofferspracticalwisdomforparent

swantingadeeper

relationsh

ipwiththeirteen.

Forover3

0years,Markhasbeenhelpingfamiliesandteensthrough

thechalle

ngesofadolescence.InthewordsofDr.TimKimmel,Mark

Gregston

hasnevermetateenagerhecantbelieveinoraparenthe

doesntw

anttohelpbecomebetter....

[he]hasaclearbigpicture

graspofe

ffectiveparenting.ItsformattedbythepowerofGods

graceand

seasonedfromdecadesofexperience.

Markand

hiswifeJanhavebeenmarriedfor34

yearsandhavetwo

childrena

ndtwograndchildren.

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etterwayforthenexttimetheyaref

acedwiththesamedecision.Giving

t

eenagersincreasinglevelsofindependence,coupledwithproperlimitsand

p

arentalguidance,willbegintoteachthemthemostimportanttypeofcont

rol,

s

elf-control.

-2-

LearntoManageCo

nflict

osto

fuswanttoavoidconflictwithourkids,butdidyouknowthat

conflictinafamilycanofferyouanopport

unitytopulltogetherlike

neve

rbefore?Ifreckonedwithproperly,conflictisaforceforchange

thathasthepow

ertobringsrelationshipstogetherra

therthantearthemapart.

Anotherpositiveaspectofconflictisthatithelpsach

ildlearnhowtostandupfor

himself.HowelsewillhelearnhowtosayNowhen

heneedsto,orThatsjust

notright,or,Idontagreewiththat.

So,

howcanyou

effectivelymanageconflictwithyourteeninawaythatmaintains

asolidrelations

hip,whileatthesametimehonorsthehouseholdrules?

First,itinvolves

agreeingwiththeminsomeway,whileholdingyourgroundin

regardtoenforcingtherulesLetmesharewithyouoneofmyfavoritewordswhen

itcomestoman

agingconflict;thewordis,

nevertheless.

Sweetheart,Im

awareyourfriendsthinkthisisagrea

tmovie,andtheymaybe

right,neverthele

ssourruleforthatisthatwedontg

otoR-ratedmovies.

Darlin,youmay

havemeritforbeingupsetandIdprobablybeupsettoo,

neverthelessourruleisthateveryoneinourfamilyisrequiredtoberespectfulof

oneanother,evenwhenwereangry.

Son,Imsorryyo

udontlikethenewcurfewrule.IdidnteitherwhenIwasateen,

neverthelessourruleisthatcurfewismidnight.

Handlingconflic

tinamoreintentionalwaysendsyou

rchildthemessageHoney,

IloveyouandIunderstandwhyyoufeelthewayyou

do,

butwerestillgoingto

liveaccordingto

ourhouseholdrules.Ifyouchoosetodisregardtherules,

consequencesw

illfollow.

Yousee,Ibeliev

econflictdoesnthavetoseparateus

.Theword,

nevertheless

acknowledgesy

ourteensangstorviewpoint,whilea

tthesametimereaffirming

M

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37/55fantasticandcaringadults.Justcallus

at903-668-2173forthenextretreatdate

a

ndmoredetailsorvisithttp://www.familycrisisconference.com.

A

ndfinally,wevedevelopedvariousb

ooks,tapesandvideoresourcestohe

lp

p

arentsdealwithastrugglingteenagerandlearnfromourownexperienceof

w

orkingwithteensfor30years.Toseetheseresourcesonline,visit

w

ww.heartlightresources.com.

-8-

EngagewithYourT

een

newou

ldthinkitisbecomingeasiertoconnectwithourteenagerstoday

withallofthenewer,faster,andeasierways

tocommunicate.Wehave

chat,e-mail,VOIP,SKYPE,instantmessaging,cellphones,textmessaging

andvoicemail.B

utaretheyreallydoinganythingtoim

proveyourparental

communications?

LatelyIwasina

conversationwhereplentyofinformationwastransferred,

lips

weremoving,m

yearswereworking,

buttherereally

wasntaconnection.Iaskeda

youngteenager

inourHeartlightresidentialcounselin

gprogramhowshewas

doing.Itwasas

implequestioninpassing,andIexpec

tedasimpleanswer.Instead,

theyoungladyproceededtotellmeeverythingaboutherself,everythingsheever

did,everythingsheeveraccomplished,everywhereshehadevertraveledand

everytalentshe

had.

Shereportedho

wshecouldplaytheguitar,thecello,theviolin,thepiano,the

harp,thedrums

,thetrumpet,thebassguitar,theflute,theclarinet,andthetuba.

Shetoldmeabo

utallthethingsshelikestodo,andallthethingsshedoesntlike

todo.Shetalkedabouthowsheisaswimmer,agymnast,adancer,anequestrian,

apianist,avolle

yballqueen,andalacrosseplayer.

Shesharedho

wshewashomecomingqueen,themostlikelytosucceedinher

class,winterballqueen,springflingqueen,andstraw

berryfestivalqueen.Shetold

mewhatshewa

ntedtobe,andwhatshedidnotwan

ttobe.Shetoldmeallher

hopesanddreams,andallherdisappointmentsandfailuresinonebreathless

dissertation.

Yougetthepict

ure,right?AllIdidwasaskherhowshewasdoing!Sheresponded

likeaChattydollonsteroids,anenergybunnywitha

mouthinsteadofadrum

onethatkeptongoing,neverstoppingtoheararesponseortoaskmeanything.

O

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39/55H

elpfulPositivefeedbackshouldbedesignedtoservetheneedsoftheperson

r

eceivingit;notthepersongivingit.

R

elevantProvideguidancefortheth

ingsthatyourteencandosomething

about.

B

estWhenSolicitedFeedbackisbes

theardwhenitisgiveninresponseto

an

invitationbytheteentoshareyourop

inionorcounsel.

ImmediateGivepositivesupportatt

heearliestopportunityfollowinggood

d

ecision-making.

U

nassumingTakethewhyoutoftheconversationanddontdouble-gue

sstheir

m

otivations.Instead,

focusonwhathappened.

A

uthenticConstructivefeedbackisa

ccomplishedbestinarelationshipbuilton

c

oncernfortheteenagerswelfare,no

tonparentalconvenienceortoprotectthe

familyimage.

C

onstructiveFeedbackIsNOT

F

orcedWaittobeinvitedbeforeoffe

ringfeedback.Otherwise,itwillsoun

dlikea

lectureandfallondeafears.

O

verloadedOfferfeedbackinsmallbites.Insteadoftellingyourteeneverything

y

outhinktheyneedtoheartofixeveryproblem,

limittheinformationtowhat

t

heycanmostreadilyusetoday.Ifyou

findthisdifficult,youareprobablyse

eking

t

osatisfyyourownneeds,notyourteens.

T

hreatening-Thereshouldbenomixe

dmessagesorhiddenthreatsingiving

c

onstructivefeedback.Ifyouareunsureofhowyourteenisreceivingthemessage,

a

skhimtorephrasewhatyouvesaidt

omakesureitisclear.

Itisntalwayspossibletodeliverconstructivefeedbackwrappedupinneatlittle

p

ackages.Justbesureyourdiscussion

doesntgetoutofhandorturnintoa

cycle

o

fnegativity.Anditwillprobablybenecessarytorepeatorreinforcetheme

ssage

s

everaltimesbeforeyourteenwillclearlyunderstandwhatyouaresaying.That

justgoeswiththeterritory.

Y

oumayconsideryourfeedbacksucce

ssfulwhenyouaresureitisunderstood

e

xactlyasyoumeantit(fortheirowngood).Whetherornottheyheedtheadvice

isanothermatteraltogether.ButIvef

oundthatovertime,suchfeedbackw

ill

b

eginthattakeholdinthelifeoftheteen,especiallyiftheadviceleansmore

t

owardthepositivethanthenegative.

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ntowardyou

rboundariesandtherulesofthehom

e?

eaggressiven

essoropendefiancethatisunusually

ingandActingOutTroublingBehaviors

htthreatsofsuicide,orengaginginself-mutilation,eating

rself-destruc

tiveactivities?Doesheorsheparticip

atein

gerousdrugu

seorblatantsexualpromiscuity?Isa

once

ralcompassseeminglylost?

streatOthers

ple,pets,orb

elongingsinathreateningoroutofcontrol

hideordisconnecttheinternet,telephone,televisionin

omblatantly

andrepeatedlyusingtheminappropr

iately?

norlostbyth

eteenwithanuncaringattitudeaboutit?

considerhidingyourwallet,yourkeys,andanything

orvaluablesoutoffearyourteenmaytakethem?

f-CenteredThinking

rsheisthec

enterofyourfamily(ortheuniverse),show

rfamilymem

berstime,

feelings,schedule,or

ionorthreat

susedasatooltogetwhatheorshe

wants?

cipatewiththeFamily

participateordoanythingwiththefamily,ordisplaya

mily?Isthere

constantconflictwithonefamilymemberor

WereSeeingExtremePeer-DependentAttitudes

Arepeersthece

nterofyourchildslife?Isitnearlyim

possibletokeepyourchild

awayfrompeer

swhoareobviouslyleadingalifestyle

countertoyourbeliefs?Do

youseeyourchildbuyingintotheirattitudesandtaki

ngontheirappearance,their

talk,andtheird

angerousorillegalactivities?Doesyourteenstayupmostofthe

nighttakingcallsfromfriendsorsneakoutorrunawaytobewiththem?

0-1-2-3

-4-5

Never.O

ften.A

lways

TOTALSCORE:_

___________

SCORING:Ifyou

rassessmentscoreis25ormore,you

shouldconsidergetting

immediatecoun

selinghelpforyourteenager.