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12/11/13 t the Feet of the Mother: Yielding to the Storm of KaliOrganized religions have trouble keeping theirformalities flexible enough to accommodate

Ma Bhavatarini Kali eople's desire for a more personalizedreligion. I believe that people want to practice

yoga whether they call it by this name or not. They want to have their ownpersonal connection with God and put sacredness back into every aspect of theirdaily lives. People are reaching out to spirituality, something that can besubstantiated by the fact that Pope John Paul il's new book, Crossing theThreshold of Hope topped the best-seller list, bypassing Faye Res nick's raunchytell-all book about Nicole Brown Simpson.On the scholarly side, there is turmoil. Faith in secular, rationalist humanism-withprogress as the promise and reason as the tool-is eroding for the first time sincethis philosophy germinated in the Renaissance. Rationalist humanism made usbelieve we could discover the "laws of nature" through reason and, applying thisknowledge, things would get better and better.

And since we've failed to harness nature over all these years, the voices ofadvocates of the chaos theory are now getting louder, undermining theconventional theories of rationalist humanism. According to the chaos theory,we're living in a universe of chaos where change is the norm, and where changewithout end does not necessarily mean we are progressing toward anythingbetter.

As a lover of the Hindu Goddess Kali, I have no problem with chaos. I see it as MaKali's divinely intoxicated dance. As the destroyer, Kali clears the path for newcreation. Shouting, "Off with the ego " the great Queen of the Universe clothesHerself in chaos so awesome that our arrogance automatically falls off, givingway to unconditional surrender.

This black goddess Kali is mysticismpersonified. As such, She has atremendous unifying power. She intoxicatesus, fermenting us into the same wine. I'vebeen privy to gain first-hand knowledge ofthis. Over the past couple of years, Ihavesponsored public Kali pujas held in LagunaBeach, California, performed by SriHaradhan Chakraborti, the main pujari(priest) of the Dakshineswar Kali Temple.So many blissful faces, so many diversepeople worshipping side by side-Westerners and Indian, people from theVedanta Society, SRF, Yoga Center,ISKCON and followers of a veritablerainbow of yogis and yoginis too numerousto list.The first time I felt like abandoning myself tothe divine will was when I first saw Ma Kali'sface in the inner sanctum of the a Dakshineswari Kali of Laguna BeachDakshineswar Kali Temple, Calcutta, India.I was so awed that I forgot to ask Her for anything, not even to straighten out anyof my problems. All I wanted was to let go of myself just like a child lets go of thestring, releasing the balloon to ascend toward the vast blue sky.

Perhaps this feeling of wild abandonment was caused by the inexplicable ecstaticjoy I fest at the time, or perhaps it was just the noise of my rapidly beating heartthat drove away my thoughts. Whatever the reason, this feeling came to me quitenaturally and was not something I deliberately manufactured.

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12/11/13 t the Feet of the Mother: Yielding to the Storm of Kali

Yet, what seemed so easy a thing to accomplish at first has turned into thehardest task I have ever attempted. Years have passed, and I still don't know howto completely surrender at Ma Kali's feet. It's a vicious cycle. The more I long tosurrender, the deeper my understanding gets of what it means to surrender to theDivine. One moment I feel I have done it; the next, I realize how much farther Ineed to go.

I found Kali-or She found me-in 1986 while I was traveling in India on assignmentfor a magazine. I was immediately overwhelmed by the very tangible power onefeels in Her presence, and I got frustrated when I could not find enoughinformation on this mystical black goddess. I had so many questions and couldfind no books written about Her in a language my heart could understand. So, Ibegan research and wrote one myself.

The fuel for my passion that drives me to do all kinds of things-such as writing abook on Kali-is love. Life is boring without love. I think that perhaps I need morelove than other people do, because I don't want to live without it. I remember myteenage years, which I spent mostly depressed. Though I got plenty of love, it wasnever enough to satisfy my hungry heart. I was a beggar for love, begging withoutstretched hands: "Oh please, give me love, give me love, give me more love."Today, I am a lot wealthier. Ma Kali's presence in my heart reversed, as it were,the current of love within me. Previously, this current flowed from the outside inand made me depend on favorable external influences. Now, it flows from theinside out. When I stopped depending on people to love me and started listeningto and feeling the love in my own exciting heart, the current of love reversed.

If only people would become lovers rather than wanting to be beloveds, therewould be a lot less hurt and hatred in the world. It's much easier to be a loverbecause the ego gets less in the way. As a lover, I am more prone to loveunconditionally, without expectations. As a lover, I seek happiness more for mybeloved than for myself. It encourages me to be unselfish. In my case,unselfishness did not come over night. I'm still working on it and have a long wayto go.

My ideal is Sri Ramakrishna, theGodman who lived at the DakshineswarKali Temple for 30 years. Hispassionate love and total surrender toKali united his being with Hers, makingHer will and his inseparable."Surrender seems like such a passiveact," remarked my friend Tray during arecent discussion. "Yet, it's really a lotof work."

But it's certainly worth it. The more I goabout loving unselfishly, the deeper thefeeling of satisfaction. It is my sincerebelief that as long as lam unselfish andlive in tune with God, my love willalways be replenished. I'll never run our

of love, even if the people Ilove hurt me. I may not be immune to getting hurt, butwhen I do, underneath the tears continues to flow a sweet current of bliss.

To me, surrender to God means to live constantly in tune with God. This is,indeed, a very hard thing to do. The belief that I am not the doer and Ma Kali isdoing something through me comes with practice. It shouldn't be wishful thinking

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12/11/13 t the Feet of the Mother: Yielding to the Storm of Kalior come from an emotional sentiment that may land me in a mental institution.When it is real and true, it is a tangible feeling beyond doubt.

I have met many people who I thought had attained great spiritual heights. But,after spending time with them, I discovered that their talk and behavior was basedon past spiritual experiences and learned behavior-which is certainly not bad. But,God cannot be realized in the past or future. God can only be realized in thepresent.It is truly rare and great good fortune to meet someone who lives in the presentmoment and whose spirituality bubbles spontaneously from the heart. When onelives constantly in tune with God, every word, every action is spontaneous. Evenwhen one repeats God's name a thousand times, each repetition is fresh andcompletely spontaneous.

Though surrendering to Kali means giving up the ego, depending on which Kaliworshipper one talks to, one gets a slightly different point of view. I may long toannihilate my ego but my friend Gita may not think this is the goal: "I believe thepurpose of creation is to love God-realize one's identity with Kali but retain thesemblance of separation so She can be loved," said Gita. "It is Mother who gaveus this ego and these desires in the first place. It's up to Her to take them away orfulfill them. She gives so much, even the things that lead to pain. We asked forthem and She gives them to let us grow. When you realize that everything is Kali,the desires drop away and you just love Her." My friend Jose does not worry aboutthe ego. "I never made a conscious effort to bring God into my life," said Jose."God is doing everything. I am a Krishna devotee and had no intention ofworshipping Kali. It's Sri Ramakrishna's trick. Somebody brought me an image ofKali, and I now worship Her every day."

One thing all Kali worshippers I met have in common is a sense of fearlessness. Idon't have to be afraid of anything for I worship the Mother who gives birth anddestroys all things created. So, whom or what to fear?Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, one of the most vivacious American spiritual teachers Iknow, has turned Kali worship into a most practical application. Ma Jaya givesKali to people afflicted with AIDS. She tells them, "I can't cure you, but I can teachyou how to die fearlessly in the Mother's arms." Ma Jaya, who is also an artist,activist and humanitarian, is the founder of the Kashi Foundation in Sebastian,Florida.

One can read a lot about spirituality and surrender, but one doesn't get the tastefor it until one experiences it. It helps to spend time in the company of the holy,people who have dedicated their lives to realize God. Their company stimulatessacred emotion, which, in turn, overpowers mere analytical thought.

lowe India a lot. I have learned so much by just being there. In my book Kali theBlack Goddess of Oaks hineswar, published by Nicolas-Hays, I tried to convey tothe reader what it feels like to stand in the courtyard in front of the temple. Thefollowing is an excerpt:

The closer one gets to the inner shrine, the louderone hears throaty shouts that echo from wfthinthe temple. "Ma, oh Ma, Ma go Ma Jai Kali JaiKali Ma Jai Ma Bhavatariniji ki jail" One alsohears the loud clanking of a bell that rings inspurts. Yet, one still cant see anything in frontbesides heads and raised arms. The frontentrance to the Kali shrine has three archedpassageways. Because the middle one is

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12/11/13 t the Feet of the Mother: Yielding to the Storm of Kaliblocked, worshippers enter and exit at both sides. Today, it is verycrowded, and one is shoved through. Cold sweat stands on theforehead as one suddenly finds oneself inside a cool coveredveranda. It is quite cool although there in no visible air-conditioningsystem. Toward the left, suspended from the ceiling, hangs a bigbrass bell. Every other pilgrim who is pushed past, reaches up andclanks it as loudly as possible at least a couple of times. Parentshold up their children to give them also a chance to clank the bell,thereby proclaiming to Ma Kali that they have arrived, that they exist.Countless bare feet shuffle over the cool, smooth marble tiles.Occasionally one steps on something slippery and wonders what itis. Perhaps it's a flower, spilled water, something indefinable that isbetter not to know. Whatever it is, one will never know because thereis no chance to see the ground. There are too many bodies, pushing,pressing and crowding like moths in the night toward a light that is stilla little farther off.Everyone's focus is on the lighted entrance in the middle of thecovered veranda. A cast-iron gate prevents people from entering, sothey crowd before it, half hanging over it, trying to get a little closerinside. Some people kneel, reach through the gate and touch theground within the sanctum. Immediately behind the gate stand twopriests keeping watch. There white dhotis bear the marks of theirprofession-red sandalwood paste, vermilion and flower stains. Theirforeheads are marked with large vertical lives of vermil ion, the signsof a male Shakti worshipper-women wear large vermilion dots.Pilgrims hand their baskets of offerings to attending priests, who takethe hibiscus garlands and expertly fling them into the lighted innersanctum at Mother Kali's feet. Basket in hand, each priestdisappears inside, utters some mantras over the basket and offers itto Mother Kali with reverence. A few sweets from each basket staywith Ma Kali in a box next to the altar The rest of the offerings,together with flowers taken from the altar, are returned to the pilgrim.These returned offerings are called prasad and considered a greatblessing. God has taken the first bite-eaten the subtle essence of thefood-and the devotee, swallowing the gross elements of the food,takes the second. Anxiety has reached a fever pitch, and the shortdistance walk from the arched passageway to the lighted innersanctum seems to take forever. But, when one finally stands beforeKali, time seems to standstill. Everything stops. The people, thenoise-all is mysteriously gone. One stares with wide eyes, forgettingeven to blink. All one sees is Kali and nothing else.

Nobody can define Kali, the mystical black goddess. My book is just a blueprint,an attempt to take people a little closer to the realm of Kali. After a talk in aBerkeley bookshop, one person came to me and said, "When you talk about Kali,you talk about love, whereas I and my group look at Her as a militant, liberatedwoman. She kills all the demons single-handedly. How do you reconcile the twoviews?" Pointing to the garland of skulls Mother Kali is wearing, I used anobservation Betty Lundsted, my publisher, made some time ago. When you lookclosely at the severed heads, you see that they are all smiling. They are smilingbecause Ma Kali killed their egos. After they were liberated, only love remained.

The heart is such a small place. God and the ego cannot coexist there. If one isthere, the other has no room.Posted by Usha Harding at 5:04 PM

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